Notes for BSers thinking about eventing

Rosiefan

Rosiefan

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Just to redress the balance :D. I'll start:

Most dogs are not on leads in the lorry park and eventing dog owners haven't heard of poop scoops.
Lorry parks are mostly deserted because everyone is over studying the scoreboard to try and work out if they'll be placed.

Carry on folks
 
Lose weight!! really. Stop smoking, unless power walking the XC and that M/W WB will just have to go dahling. You have to have a 16.2 TB bay gelding, overbent, who can canter very very slowly.
 
Oh, and you need lots of stuff to put on your horse's legs when it's finished XC - and before it starts for that matter.
Don't worry about leaving kit in full view - it won't get nicked in your absence.
 
'Dressage' is the first phase. Your horse must appear with its nose within acceptable distance of its chest whilst carrying out several pointless circles and changes of rein. You are to stay within the white boards, not jump them. During the warmup ALWAYS look down at your horse's ears, it is said this is where true dressage riders find the path to enlightenment.

The second phase should come more naturally, however, this is eventing show jumping and there are a few minor differences. Horses should be put either on very long, or very deep strides to a fence and ridden in a forward canter/verging on gallop. You are expected to have at least one pole down, to not do so is considered rude and elitist.

The final phase is cross country, think of it as your jump off round. Go as fast as you can whilst screaming at walkers to get out of the way. Run over any that don't, after all you did give them a fair warning. Many eventers are permenantly drunk, hence their 'gung ho-ness' over solid fences. To achieve this drink half a bottle of champagne to celebrate your 4 fault sj round. Talk to your horse as you go round the course, this is useful once you have been promoted to the ranks of the hatcam users as commentary for your adoring fans.
 
Think of the worst nickname you were called as a child. Now register yourself using this name. Names of animals are popular for this, but really, anything eccentric and reeking of a costly education will do.

Think up a back story which involves a childhood of poverty, disinterested parents and a neighbour who just happened to have won Badminton back in the days when you went XC in a beagler and no back protector. It doesn't matter if your parents actually rode at 4*, just stick to your story and even you will believe it in time.
 
I love the two above! The path to enlightenment indeed.

Enter months in advance. Buy an alarm clock which registers pre dawn times. DO NOT WINGHE when EVERYTHING is cancelled. Even if you are half way there. Or even all the way there.

Make sure you are well versed in frangible pins, fully secured portables, and your local orthopaedics surgeon's favourite cake.

Plaiting is absolutely compulsory. You will offend everyone, and it is disrespectful to everyone. Except no one really knows why it offends people, or even who it offends exactly.

Tweed is necessary. Even in roasting temperatures, suffering heat stroke for tradition in woollen coats is required.

The showjumping will be tiny in comparison, yes there really are only nine fences, no, you haven't missed the treble/water tray/ 4and a half strides to fence six/ most of the fillers. They aren't there.

Five point breastplates. Even if your saddle fits, it is still the done thing.

Regardless of how settled your horse is in its current tack arrangement, mecca lies with snaffles and cavessons. Do not care about your horses comfort, the size of it's tongue, whether it likes a drop/grackle. Strive in all activities to achieve the snaffle status, and once you have done so, mention it at every opportunity.

Purism is next to tradition. Both of which are steps from godliness.
 
You need 3 different types of hat - one that won't protect your head at all, one with a fixed peak that'll break your forehead and a skull cap (silk optional) that'll protect you when going at high speed over solid fences.

None must have bling but must have a yellow tag which are an absolute pain to put on ;)
 
Just in case anyone is confused on what TROT is at eventing.
trot.png
 
Having been at Barbury today, you need several dogs to take round on the cross country course walk and must be very tall with incredibly skinny long legs.
 
You absolutely must get your dead sheep euthanised immediately, or maybe cut up into 3 large patches and affixed somehow to your martingale. Your coloured velvet saddle cloth will look out of place - leave it in the sun to bleach out or better still, wash it with copious quantities of bleach so that it becomes white. Remember that you will need to unpick the stitching on it which bears your name - or at least have it restitched in an approved colour and shade, which BE will tell you, at huge cost to yourself, at the correct size.

Remember if you are competing at a level below Intermediate, you must absolutely wear beige or cream breeches for dressage and showjumping, and your sponsors name can only appear on it, in a prescribed size and in a way laid down by BE, again at great cost to yourself. If you flout this rule, you will be disqualified by an over zealous steward or judge - know your place, you are at the giddy heights of Intermediate as yet, take it on the chin, or better still buy two pairs of breeches and change into the tight white ones for xc. The same applies to sponsors names on shirt collars and probably to the sponsors name/your names on the backs of your Bronte style jackets worn by your grooms, friends, supporters. Again, you will need to check with BE on the size and style of this, yet again at great cost to yourself. Remember BE have the final say in this before you go trotting off to have this done. Oh and dont forget if you are sponsored, you MUST pay for membership for your sponsor as well. You will need to leave that tight red jacket back in your wardrobe. Even if its 100 deg in the shade you absolutely must wear a thick heavy tweed, and not moan about the heat - this is BE darling!

Now to your horse. You will need to factor a lot more time getting your horse ready for an event. That lovely curtain style mane, which is at least six inches long and which took ages to grow simply must go. It must be replaced with a neatly pulled mane, which will then need to be plaited, with the plaits neatly spaced along the neck and neatly fastened with plaiting bands, which actually match the colour of your horse's mane. Your horse must also need a bath the night before, and in the morning before you leave, especially if it has any white on it. Stables stains are absolutely so not allowed, you will be stared at, and not in a very nice way.

Also, make sure you buy yourself a good alarm clock - you will need it for the very early starts. Also, dont worry if you are parked in the lorry park next to WFP or another well known 'name', whose lorry is bigger than your house. Its quite ok and quite the done thing, and you will not be frowned upon by the organisers and asked to move it to the other end of the lorry park with the rest of the 'trailer trash'.
 
Rather than just thinking hat, bridle, saddle, jacket, boots to go and have a day out you need to pre-plan for several days in advance to make sure you miss nothing.

Rather than seeing a deep spot for jumping you are not a true eventer unless you see several long ones while Sjing in order to prepare yourself for the challenges ahead on XC.

Expect to see more green faces for jumping poles that fall to the ground than fixed fences which do not move.

Kingsland, Animo, Equiport and John Whitaker are rarely seen brands. Its a bit like seeing Kappa and Adidas track suit bottoms on the Kings Road.
 
I have just entered my first event since 2006. I had forgotten the planning and colour co-ordinating involved. Everything I own I think is on the banned list. Patent leather - yes/no?

I did get smart and buy a completely brown horse so no washing involved.
 
brighteyes said:
'All the gear' types are not easy to spot. EVERYONE has ALL the gear. Silly-coloured XC ensembles are to be applauded.
Click to expand...

A few more hints on 'all the gear'......

You need to buy the the very best quality equipment you can afford and then abuse it to make it look 'worn'.

Fancy garish xc colours are fine for those intermediate and below. If you are riding at 4* then the only xc colours generally worn by the pros will be a black or navy top with a plain hatsilk unless you are matt ryan. The same tends to be said for 5 point breastplates.

Many eventers 'grease' their horses legs prior to the xc to help them slide over the fences they hit. Your showjumper shouldnt need this as it picks its legs up but again it will help you look the part.

after the xc you need to smother your horses legs in all sorts of lotions, potions and ice - even if you would never normally do this at home when your horse has worked hard.
 
PMSL at both of these!

SpottedCat said:
Think of the worst nickname you were called as a child. Now register yourself using this name. Names of animals are popular for this, but really, anything eccentric and reeking of a costly education will do.

Think up a back story which involves a childhood of poverty, disinterested parents and a neighbour who just happened to have won Badminton back in the days when you went XC in a beagler and no back protector. It doesn't matter if your parents actually rode at 4*, just stick to your story and even you will believe it in time.
Click to expand...

Llanali said:
Enter months in advance. Buy an alarm clock which registers pre dawn times. DO NOT WINGHE when EVERYTHING is cancelled. Even if you are half way there. Or even all the way there.

Plaiting is absolutely compulsory. You will offend everyone, and it is disrespectful to everyone. Except no one really knows why it offends people, or even who it offends exactly.

The showjumping will be tiny in comparison, yes there really are only nine fences, no, you haven't missed the treble/water tray/ 4and a half strides to fence six/ most of the fillers. They aren't there.

Five point breastplates. Even if your saddle fits, it is still the done thing.

Purism is next to tradition. Both of which are steps from godliness.
Click to expand...


Next year buy a horse with webbed hooves and a tracked horsebox so you don't need a tow in and out of the lorry park ;):D
 
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Do not forget that despite the fact it is so muddy you will need to be towed onto the lorry park as well as off it, meaning that anything (especially the horse) which comes outside the lorry will be filthy in seconds, it is essential to set off with an immaculate horse and very clean tack, including clean boots. You will have an army of grooms to clean everything again as soon as it is finished with!

Also, whilst you may be used to the class finishing and the results being announced within minutes, when eventing expect to wait at least 3 hours after the end of the class. Appeals are common due to mistakes when adding up dressage sheets and due to the excessively complex rules governing what is classed as presenting at a fence.

There are alternative fences to jump on the XC - read the rules as to how you are allowed to approach these as to test that expensive education, the powers that be alter them at least once a season as they think of new and more complicated ways to try and eliminate you. Don't ask the fence judges, they won't know or care since they have been in the rain for 15 hours in exchange for a cup of weak Luke warm tea and a stale sandwich.
 
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