Ok... Try this situation!

[WelshD]

I got a lot of useful help on a recent problem on here, putting it down and seeing responses really helped (if you go looking for the thread I'd appreciate it if you didn't bump it and start the debate again though!) i wonder if I could get some perspective on this problem.


I have two lovely ponies. I don't ride but am showing mad.

I advertised for a rider a few years back. A six year old child came in to my life with her horsey mum and we blundered our way along with two newly broken green ponies and a whole lot of walking and trotting. Lots of mistake making and a huge learning curve for them.

Child 1 is now 9 and her and her mum are virtually part of the family, I bought a horsebox and the three of us truck to shows, lessons and fun stuff endlessly. They use my choice of instructor and follow my every instruction on turnout etc Admittedly I spoil the child rather, she has the best show stuff, a set of jumps here etc. they come most days to ride and help look after the ponies, I meet the costs of the ponies, we share costs of lessons and shows. It is a system that works well and we are all happy.

A year ago I advertised for a second rider purely to ride here and keep child 1 company this was explicit in the advert. . Child 2 comes in to my life and came once a week to have some fun (she has riding lessons elsewhere)
They aren't able to come as often but over time I tried to include them more, we did a couple of shows and I drove both ponies to her instructor where both girls had lessons together.

Unfortunately I lost one of the ponies recently (indisputable terminal problem) and the relationship between me and family 2 started to go downhill as they didn't understand the reasons and instead of speaking to me put mum 1 under huge pressure. they declined to say goodbye then let the 9 year old girl come running to the field at the last minute in a misguided move, thank GOODNESS they missed the body being removed by about five minutes. I wasn't impressed.

On the lookout for a second pony I asked them if they wanted to still come here as otherwise I would maybe consider a companion pony instead of a second ridden one. They said they'd keep coming and could child 2 please go to more shows to which I said yes I'm sure I can find a few for them.

New pony arrives with a disclosed slight issue caused by a loan home. I promptly go on a pre-booked holiday. While I am away family 2 are jealous that mum 1 is in charge and a battle of wills starts....

On my return and knowing the slight issue with the new pony I get child 1 on first and take her to our normal instructor who already knows the pony, progress is intentionally slow as foundation is important to me.

Family 2 approach me and offer me some money for the maintenance of the ponies which I turn down as ultimately I want full control of the situation

I then get a hostile message from them asking me why child 2 isn't getting the same opportunities that child 1 has and why she isn't riding the new pony, why is child 1 on the new pony? My Facebook is full of pics of child 1, what is the point of me looking for another rider if child 1 gets the opportunities......

I reply to say child 1 has put in considerable work over three years, her previous hard work is the reason that child 2 can enjoy the other pony it will be the same with the new one in time but not yet.
I reiterate that I advertised for a companion rider only and that although I will take child 2 to some shows I cannot hand on heart say she will get all the same opportunities as keeping child 1 on the road is my priority.

Child 1 going great guns with new pony, brilliant. Feeling under pressure I let child 2 get on, situation unfolds which means I don't want child 2 back on the pony anytime soon and child 1 has now lost some confidence. I could kick myself for giving in to pressure.

The relationship is very strained, family 2 started to look for a loan pony and drifted away for a couple of weeks but I think reality has kicked in with regards to the full time care needed and they have come back to my place

I've heard from a third party that they are not happy with my decision making so they are discussing it elsewhere

I know I'll come under more pressure for child 2 to ride the new pony again

I really like child 2 and want the girls to carry on their friendship however they have started to come with the aim of just riding now, it's almost like now they feel they don't get the same opportunities they have pared it back to just riding. Child 1 comes nearly every day sometimes even just to feed and cuddle the ponies so surely they can see why the balance is not equal.

I feel the relationship is almost irretrievable, I don't like being slagged off when I offer free riding.
I'm not a riding school which offers a service level, I resent the message I had almost demanding me to explain myself and my decision making about MY own ponies

ive tried clearing the air but that's given way to forced joviality and I can see that they are still noting every perceived snub.

where do I go from here?

 

[MotherOfChickens]

sack family 2, its unfortunate for the kid but its her parents' fault for being entitled asshats.

 

[Shooting Star]

I agree with MOC, the relationship with family 2 has run its course and is affecting your enjoyment of your own ponies so time to end it.

 

[Jayzee]

I would tend to agree with above. Life is too short and you are letting them ride for free. Let the dust settle and if you are desperate for a second rider look in a couple of months time, if not can child 1 just ride both?

 

[Pearlsasinger]

If this is the parent, rather than the child who is causing the trouble, I would talk to her without the child in attendance and explain that you are under no obligation to provide a pony for her child to ride, that your original advert was for a child to be a companion rider not to go to shows, because you have no need of a 2nd show rider and that you are very disappointed that your generosity is being taken for granted. Make it very much about how you feel, because she can't argue with your feelings.
If you are willing to do so, you could make some arrangement about the child getting to ride for an hour in exchange for every hour she/mum comes up to do chores, which might make mum think about the way they are behaving towards you and about what owning a pony entails.
Otherwise you could terminate the arrangement and find another child rider who will appreciate the opportunities that you are providing, tbh this is my preferred option .

 

[paddi22]

you don't need to justify your reason for anything.It's your call at the end of the day. family 2 sound like they have got a super deal from the past few years and are totally taking the piss. Let them go off and get their own pony and have complete control of it. Get rid of them, not work the hassle.

 

[DiNozzo]

Tell them to get screwed.

Your ponies, your decision. I think you've been more than generous throughout!

 

[Goldenstar]

Get rid of family 2 pronto .
Return to calm enjoyment with family one .

 

[asmp]

Definitely say goodbye to family 2, especially if they have been "discussing' things elsewhere. Mum 1 would probably be very relieved too! Child 1 would, I'm sure, make friends with another child if you get one.

 

[bonny]

Aren’t people strange ? Hard to believe after having such a good opportunity that it’s ended up so badly and that the 2nd mother is so ungrateful. It’s a shame for her daughter though, she can’t help how her mum behaves but I agree with the others, you don’t need her in your life. Could you advertise again for a new rider or maybe just stick to one but then I suppose she has no company ? Seems unfair when you’ve done so much for them all.

 

[SatansLittleHelper]

Agree with everyone above, though I feel sad for Child 2 as it's not her fault. I think as PAS said; get the Mum on her own and explain to her how you feel. It might just give her the boot in the arse she needs in order to appreciate all you do..!!!

 

[w1bbler]

Agree I'd sack family 2, but if you want to save the relationship can you write a letter, pretty much what you have put above, then hand it to her as part of a discussion, outlining you issues & the amazing opportuniy you are giving daughter, then there is no misunderstanding / thing you forget to say etc. Then its up to mum if she toes the line or walks away
If mum takes offence its her loss not yours

 

[milliepops]

Totally agree, sack family 2 and go back to enjoying your ponies with family 1.

i was in a similar position when at uni, I wanted to keep my horse where she was as I was home most weekends and often for long weekends/whole weeks in my final year, but needed someone to keep her ticking over and do the care while I wasn't there. So I offered a local pony mad teen who had been riding YOs horses the share, at no cost to her or her family, she was dead keen. I had alternate weekends and the week days I was home, she had the rest of the time, I paid everything.

She was slack with things, there were mishaps, I tried to be understanding and paid for her lessons etc. Eventually I decided the mishaps and near misses were getting too frequent and I'd rather the horse was turned away... I approached her family to explain my position and they kicked off at me big time about taking the opportunity away from their daughter etc etc, how dare I and so on. They had free use of a competition horse for 6 months and caused a great deal of extra expense with broken tack and so on but didn't accept any of that. I had to just explain my position, take the abuse from the dad who was incandescent and walk away.

Talk about entitled. I think some people are just like that. And if you try and bend to accommodate them then they will just push you more and more.

 

[blitznbobs]

If you want to give child 2 a chance get the mother alone and tell her that the attitude is causing you to be miserable - but you want to give her child a chance ... so we should have a new start from today leaving the past in the past... and a trial period of a month to see how things go and then you will reassess the situation. It’s then up to the mother to behave for the benefit of the child and if she can’t we’ll you tried your best.

 

[WandaMare]

I don't think the Child 2 family sound the right people for the opportunity being offered. They have come along in response to a companion rider advert and yet have more ambition for the child, wanting to go to more shows. They also didn't support you when you lost the pony which suggests they are the types who like to be in control maybe? If this is their personality type then they would be better to find a loan pony or their own pony for the child so they can call the shots. I can't see them being able to adapt to watching Child 1 be the lead rider while their child follows along behind. Even if you speak to them I think there will be more friction soon enough.

They are probably feeling very torn between the free riding and being in control with their own pony so I would be tempted to make the decision for them.

 

[SpotsandBays]

Might I say that this sounds like a brilliant opportunity for both children! I think that mum 2 should be much more grateful, as they aren’t spending what they would if they just had weekly lessons or had a pony of their own!
If I was you I would talk to mum to and basically explain that she has two options. Option 1, suck it up, this is what you advertised, you’re doing the for free in your time, offering an amazing opportunity to not only ride but also compete occasionally. Many people would kill for an opportunity like that. She’s very lucky.
Or two, find somewhere else to take the girl. This is a them (mum 2) issue not a you issue! Stay strong and don’t be bullied

 

[littlefluffball]

Agree with the above. It's a shame on the child but the harsh reality is you offered them a fantastic opportunity (I'd have LOVED this set up as a kid) and really gone above and beyond really and it seems they have become somewhat entitled..... you should be enjoying your own ponies not having this stress over you!

 

[milliepops]

For me, it's not even that they need to be more grateful, they need to realise what the arrangement IS. By bitching to other people and being sniffy when they are with the OP, it's like they think they are doing her a favour rather than the other way round.

I think I would struggle to overlook this, it's pretty shoddy behaviour, even though it's sad for the child i would think it's unlikely that mum 2 will get back in her box.

 

[meleeka]

By being accommodating to child 2 you are risking your relationship with child 1, which sounds like one you value. What does child 1’s mother think about it all? I think their opinions should count for a lot as they haven’t caused you trouble and you get pleasure from having them around.

 

[Leo Walker]

I know the set up you provide and it makes me want to be a kid or have a kid I can bring over. It sounds like you've tried with child 2 and family but its time to end the relationship. its light nights and summer holiday are looming. stick an ad up for another child now and you shouldnt have any issues.

 

[southerncomfort]

Family 1 sound lovely. Family 2 sound entitled, lazy and ungrateful. The minute they started snarking behind my back they would been gone to be honest.

What a lovely kind thing you have done for both children. You sound very kind and generous. 🙂

 

[conniegirl]

get rid of family 2

 

[dogatemysalad]

You've been lucky to find family 1. They are worth looking after. I feel really sorry for child 2, but her parents aren't doing her any favours. I'd ask them to leave. Unreasonable, selfish people worry me. If the child had an accident, I'd be concerned.

 

[Merlod]

I'd sack family 2. They are also affecting family 1 and I wouldn't want to risk losing family 1 over them if it came to that.

 

[milliepops]

If the child had an accident, I'd be concerned.

good point.

 

[LaurenBay]

Mum 1 and child 1 sound brilliant. Mum 2 sounds like a royal pain in the bum and a hassle you don't need. I'd tell her the arrangement has ended.

 

[Denbob]

Where were you when I was a pony mad child?? What an incredible set up you have! Agree with other posters who say get rid of the 2nd family, it's a shame for the child but it's not okay for them to be affecting your enjoyment of your ponies and the enjoyment of family 1.

 

[milliepops]

Where were you when I was a pony mad child?? What an incredible set up you have! Agree with other posters who say get rid of the 2nd family, it's a shame for the child but it's not okay for them to be affecting your enjoyment of your ponies and the enjoyment of family 1.

I was really lucky that when I was a pony mad kid I was kind of adopted by a very generous horsey lady who let me ride her horses in return for tack cleaning etc. My parents drummed it into me not to abuse that kind of generosity which makes me a bit cross on OPs behalf that other families can behave in such a rubbish way.

 

[JFTDWS]

Good lord, sack family 2 without a hesitation - and tell the parents exactly why. Maybe they'll learn from it and stop screwing their kid's life up! You pay the bills, you own the horses - why on earth should you have to put up with this sort of nonsense?!

 

[Nasicus]

Bin family 2, before their attitude and entitlement affects your relationship with family 1!