Opinions please! Am I making progress?!

[Evie91]

I suffer with anxiety - sometimes it can be crippling. Just feeling a bit of a failure currently, not looking for sympathy but some honest opinions from strangers on the internet. I have lovely, supportive friends who are encouraging but interested to know what the wider population thinks!
Bought a five yr old last August, smaller than I wanted, younger than I wanted and only very recently backed, ridden in the school and one dressage outing. Very sheltered upbringing. Shouldn't have bought a youngster but something about her I really like.
Did a little bit, work was horrendous and anxiety got really bad; in December I couldn't get on the horse without crying and being led round in walk by yard owner - I was so worried I would ruin horse or she would do something (to date the most she has ever done is a small buck when cantering). Ended up taking December off riding, work improved I got better, horse on full livery, still being ridden, just not by me!
For a month or so after I could only walk and trot.The little bucks tend to happen when I ask for canter so avoided that for a while! We are now cantering in the school.
Have one large field to hack around (yard on a main road, will not take horse due to how fast cars and motorbikes speed around the bends! Other folks do, that's just my personal choice), so have been riding round on my own and in company, only trotted so far on my own and in company.Ride around the paddocks when the others are in and around by farm machinery.Started just going with a friend, then five mins riding round the top of the field on my own, progressing to going round in various formations (I can hack for the most 40 mins by going, round and back etc). I am up to 20-30mins on my own, longer in company. I have to set myself a time limit when I go, to stretch my nerves!

Have been transported to local bridle path (in company) and go further each time before losing my nerve - up to forty mins. Been up a quiet road for five mins then back.

Taken horse on hols to beach but only walked on beach and rode in school.

Taken horse to local show just to ride around lorry park. Been to a lesson elsewhere twice. Reliant on lifts as currently saving for transport.

Have a rider jump once a week/fortnight and I recently started on cross poles - prob on 40cm!! Have regular lessons.

Hacked in different company today, grass is v long and track has been cut - went a different way to the field horse was wired, then a duck flew up, spotting a person on the other side of the hedge was the end of the world - horse jig jogging, head up, wired, managed 15 mins and called it a day as horse just looking for trouble (completely unlike her!), walking back past other horses (on other side of electric fence), horse feels like coiled spring, does one little bunny hop fortunately other horses in field remained calm, so we made it home, I wanted to get off but didn't, went in to school just to walk and chill. So basically nothing happened but i did feel anxious- catastrophising.

Anyway question is, am I wasting this horse? Am I making any real kind of progress? Should I just swap for a rocking horse and be done with it? If I can't even ride round one field am I failing at the whole thing?
So frustrating I used to love hacking, bit of low level jumping and dressage and just want to get back to that. I know I need to put the work in but I do miss my old horse that I knew inside out and could hack for hours, she had her quirks but I knew them. I worry about what this horse will do, so far nothing but keep saying to myself that she is young so bound to do something!!!

Any tips or advice would be appreciated!

 

[McFluff]

Anxiety is so crippling, and you sound like you are doing a great job of managing your condition while still keeping going.

My view is that horses don't feel wasted - they just need their needs met, fair consistent handling and to be kept free of pain. It sounds like you are achieving lots with her, and that you have a good support structure in place that you are willing/able to use.

For what it's worth, my 21 year old, who is usually as safe as houses can go very tense in an unknown situation. And you should take comfort from the fact that you were able to stay on board today.

Hopefully by writing your post, you will be able to see all the successes that you have had and feel able to keep going.
Wish you all the best with her in the future.

 

[Red-1]

I would not worry about wasting the horse at all, as long as their needs are met I don't think they give it a second thought.

All that really matters is that you enjoy spending time with your horse. I guess that is what you need to ask, and if not then maybe change expectations until whatever you plan to do feels fun.

 

[paddi22]

Have you bought the wrong style horse for what you want to do?. How would you feel about selling her on and getting something that give you confidence, and that you can have fun on. That way the horse will get an owner that will suit it better. and you can get something that helps you feel better, not worse and you can be out with a confidence-giver like your old horse.

You have had huge successes with the horse, and you have pushed yourself so much and should be proud. But why not get a horse that makes you feel like your old one did?

 

[lizziebell]

Anyway question is, am I wasting this horse? Am I making any real kind of progress? Should I just swap for a rocking horse and be done with it? If I can't even ride round one field am I failing at the whole thing?!

Evie, to me is sounds like you are being very positive and embracing the challenges your new horse is bringing, despite your anxiety.

Horses have no idea of their worth, so no, you are not "wasting" your horse.

Only YOU can decide if you are making progress. Progress is only defined by what you are aiming to achieve. If you are aiming to go XC at Badminton next year, then yes you're probably not progressing very quickly, however, if you are aiming to jump 70cm by the end of summer then sounds to me like you are well on track to getting there.

Does this horse make you happy? If it makes you happy then you haven't failed. I know people who can't progress out of walking in a school - but they are happy just doing what they do. They haven't failed. Being happy is not a failure.

 

[catroo]

Don't worry about 'wasting' her, horses don't have ambitions. It sounds like you are making progress which is great

But I would say it doesn't sound like she's helping your confidence. Do you ride any other horses or just her?

 

[Evie91]

Thank you for the responses. My old horse was a tb, but was pts at the age of 24- she had her quirks but I knew what they were. With this horse I don't know what she will do in certain situations.
I do really like the horse. I wouldn't say I always enjoy the rides. Sometimes I do, sometimes I just get a great sense of satisfaction when I've gotten off and realised we have progressed a little!
It is a real dilemma for me. I was offered a lovely cob for a few rides to get my confidence up. He was lovely, very biddable, very easy, bomproof etc but I wouldn't have wanted to own him as I found him a bit too quiet. Seems I'm quiet fickle!!!
As for my girl I know she has the makings of a fab little horse - there is nothing about her I don't like. I just have days when I think she'd be better off with someone else. I'd probably go through the same struggle with another horse as would still be in the same position of not knowing how it would react with me! A youngster is such a huge responsibility, I so don't want to screw things up for her!

 

[DabDab]

You're not alone - I've been backing and schooling youngsters for years, I've done hundreds, and I still worry about screwing a new one up. They've all got their own personalities and inclinations and physicalities and I always worry that I'll miss something important about them or overlook a particular behaviour....but I wouldn't be doing the best by them if I didn't worry about those things. It's important to care and worry a little, but you also need to learn to breath, put it to one side, and trust that whatever comes along, you will find a way through it. And that's what you did today - she was a bit hot to trot so you thought on your feet, took her back and got her walking calmly in the school before calling it a day. That was a perfect reaction to the young horse behaviour. So no, she's not being wasted, she sounds in a far better training environment with you than many young horses are.

Keep going, it will be so so worth it.

 

[FfionWinnie]

I don't think you are wasting her but you might enjoy things more on another horse. Only you can decide. After an accident I've got problems with nerves. I've thought about selling my horse but actually he is about as close to perfect for me as any horse I could find. He is 11 this year and well established in every way tho. I know I couldn't be riding a youngster like you are describing despite being the person who would get on "anything" and improve it, in my youth.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

Agree with others, your horse really doesn't have aspirations like you or I do so the concept of being wasted isn't something to worry about.

That said, it really doesn't sound like you're having much fun with your horse, and lets face it, they're too blooming expensive to not enjoy! I guess in your shoes I'd have a think about whether your anxiety is exacerbated by having a youngster or whether you feel you'd feel the same about it/your progression with a more established confidence giver?

The thing with youngsters is they generally take a vast proportion of their confidence from their rider. It sounds like you've got a great support network around you, but I worry your fear of her doing something bad will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you catastrophise each time she gets her back up a bit as I suspect she'll be picking up on your anxiety in these moments.

 

[SpringArising]

How old is the horse, Evie? You're not wasting her, but you're wasting your time with her, I think from the sounds of it.

She sounds like a good horse but not suited to you. Why don't you sell her and get yourself a real ploddy four legs in each corner type, to get your confidence up?

 

[windand rain]

you are not wasting her and as long as you are happy to move slowly she will be a wonderful horse for you eventually as you will learn her quirks too. If you are in a hurry you could change her for a quieter one but then you would have to learn all about the new one. Confidence is weird sometimes it is in one thing that you gain that confidence you are progressing just slower than you think you should

 

[Laika]

Horses don't think the same way we do and as long as they're healthy, for the most part they're happy. You sound like you really care about this horse and are doing everything you can to give them the best possible life. You've done an awful lot by the sounds of it with a 5 year old, they can be quite tricky and it sounds like you've really done quite well. Nothing wrong with taking things nice and steady. All the while - you're struggling yourself with anxiety, that's quite impressive.

I think sometimes you need to take a step back and realise how far you've come. You bought a 5 year old, only recently backed and you've managed to keep it calm enough to go on the beach and stick to walk? That's quite an achievement - go you!!!

 

[Fruitcake]

I agree with what others have said about horses not feeling wasted. I know my horse could do far more with another owner but, as my friend recently pointed out to me, he doesn't know the difference between popping over a few jumps in the field and a cross country competition or a riding lesson at another place in a group and a dressage competition. He's a horse and seems quite happy doing what he does.

I think it sounds like you've made loads of progress since December! Well done! Things like taking your horse on holiday and starting to hack out are massive steps.

I also get the impression from your posts that changing your horse is not necessarily the answer as it's the unknown that seems to affect you and any new horse is going to seem like this to some degree. You're obviously developing your knowledge of this horse and it'll probably just take more time to get to know her inside out like your old one.

A few years ago, I had a complete loss of confidence with a new(ish) and not at all sharp horse. He did start to feed off my nerves though and it got to the stage where I was quite scared to ride. My absolutely fab instructor sorted us both out by putting another instructor on my horse while I rode one of hers in a joint lesson so I could get my confidence back on a horse I knew would be safe and also see how safe my horse was ridden by someone else at the same time. We did this for a number of weeks and I simultaneously worked on my own anxiety away from the horse. It now just seems like a distant memory and, although I still get a bit worried about cross country or tractors on the road, Im so glad I persevered and didn't sell as my horse is just perfect for me.

It sounds as though you're doing really well, setting yourself goals and building up in small steps. If you'd like to PM me, I'm more than happy to chat.

Good luck!

 

[southerncomfort]

I think you are a great example of how to keep making progress without overfacing yourself or your horse, but still slowly pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for how far you have come.

Only you can decide whether your horse is the right one for you. I do not think you are wasting her or ruining her at all however if you don't enjoy riding her then I don't think selling her and finding something a little more established would be admitting defeat in any way. You've done a good job of managing your anxieties and bringing on your youngster but maybe now would be a good time to review how things are going and whether you feel happy to keep her long term.

 

[Evie91]

Thank you to all those of you who have taken time to reply; definitely some food for thought. No definitive answers though and basically reflected the way my thinking swings between -we are making progress - to - she would be better suited to someone else!
What a difference a day makes; tonight decided I needed to hack again otherwise too easy to build nothing into something! Went with our nanny horse - my horse is often braver and walks past thing her friend is worried about but seems to take confidence from her presence. We had a fab hack, 30 mins round the field, round the bit we had an issue yesterday, back to the yard and then I went off for fifteen minutes alone - so had to leave friend. We had a brilliant time, she was fab.
We are making progress, is is slow. When I talk about stretching my nerves it's how much I can do, feeling normal and relaxed before anxious thoughts creep in, which I know will make me tense so aim to finish before. Sounds odd but I can keep at bay for so long then not - hence my building up slowly as I always want her to feel confident and not pick up my worry.
Thing is I have tried true confidence givers and they are not for me - bit too quiet. I can ride a confidence giver but choose not to as he doesn't float my boat. Took him out recently so a friend could hack her 4yr old - he's ace but just not for me.
I do enjoy my horse, do get a sense of achievement when we have good experiences - not all of the time but most and are taking things VERY slowly.
My friend helped me put last nights episode in perspective in that horse has never felt like that before (so wired) and we both managed to hold it together and finish on a good note - everyone had a bad day now and again.
I am back to being happy with my horse! I do swing between just wanting an easy life, confidence giver to thinking the best, most satisfying achievements take work and mean I need to leave my comfort zone.
I really do appreciate all responses, I am aware it is tricky to advise as you can only go on what I have written. Upon reflection, I will continue to plod along, until the next time!
Thanks again, all opinions were appreciated but some of the positive ones were most kind

 

[rachk89]

Everyone has bad days, horses do as well. They dont have ambitions though to go round badminton or compete in the Olympics. They just want well fed and cared for.

I was the same as you 2-3 years ago. Broke my leg falling off a horse just over half way through 2014, got better but terrified of getting on horses but determined to ride again. Ended up buying a 6 year old wbx as he did give me confidence and I slowly got better. Last year, moved him to a new yard and we were fine at first but then he changed around may/June time and since then he has been a devil at times to deal with. We have our good days too but on our bad days I am repeatedly told to sell him.

The thing is if you're like me you've developed an attachment to your horse, and its easy for people to say sell it, they dont have that attachment. I can't bring myself to sell him because I love him too much, and I dread that if I sold him he could end up being passed around from home to home, being given severe bits he doesn't need, probably being pts as someone would label him dangerous when he isn't (he has been before but I can ride him with no tack so I'm not in agreement). He is a sensitive horse and he has bad days if the conditions aren't to his liking (I am working him through this but its slow progress) and I can't see anyone else putting up with him or even trying to help him. We seem to be in a bad phase right now, but a few weeks ago we were doing great and was even jumping a lot, tiny jumps but still jumping. He's 8 now but still seems to be in youngster mode, he's just quite a big youngster.

Its your choice to sell her obviously. If you aren't attached to her it will be easier to do so. But you aren't ruining her by a long shot.

 

[thegreenergrass]

I know I need to put the work in but I do miss my old horse that I knew inside out and could hack for hours, she had her quirks but I knew them. I worry about what this horse will do, so far nothing but keep saying to myself that she is young so bound to do something!!!
Read more at http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/foru...e!-Am-I-making-progress-!#HVStxcHv8IgRrtOH.99

That makes sense. But remember you won't learn her quirks until you have experienced them. Don't be afraid of them, just see them as an opportunity to get to know her better and your confidence will just continue to improve.

You have definitely made progress and you are 100% not wasting your horse. Don't be so hard on yourself and keep focused, you're doing great!

 

[BayWelshThing]

I think it sounds like you're doing great! I can relate to a lot of what you say, I bought a 5 year old last year, bigger and younger than I had been planning to buy and I'm always worrying I'm going to ruin him! Overall he's very good, he does have moments but never nasty. But I feel like until he's slightly older I'm going to be waiting for him to have a rebellious teenage phase or do something naughty, not because of any past behaviour but simply because he is young!
I don't think it sounds like you're wasting your mare at all and you've had some good achievements already. I've been taking it very slow with my horse aswell and I'm sure it does them no harm in the long run!

 

[Fruitcake]

That makes sense. But remember you won't learn her quirks until you have experienced them. Don't be afraid of them, just see them as an opportunity to get to know her better and your confidence will just continue to improve.

^This is really good advice! I'm going to remember this!

I also agree with your friend's perspective of everyone having bad days. My instructor once gave me some similar advice when I was nervous about cantering in open spaces as my horse had once got a bit excited and had a hooney. She reminded me of a time my OH had come home drunk, having lost his keys and thrown stones at the window to wake me up when I had to be up early. Yes, I was a bit peeved with him but I didn't hold it against him forever and I don't assume he's going to do this every time he leaves the house.

 

[Evie91]

Fiona 36 - love the comparison, made me chuckle, but so true too!!!

 

[Evie91]

Little update for anyone interested!
Think I have decided to sell (constantly changing my mind on this one- only last week posted that I wouldn't sell but will work through).
Horse went out for dressage test couple of weeks ago- scored 63% prelim but not me riding.
Boxed out for a hack and she was as good as gold. Our hacking together coming on a treat but I'm still paying someone to jump and cantering still an issue for us together but no one else who rides her. I constantly worry she is too small and I'm too heavy - I'm not overweight. She's smaller than anything I've had before.

I'd quiet like to be out doing stuff myself rather than standing on the side lines or paying someone else. I'm quiet a capable low level rider. I'm sure we would get there in a couple of years but she loves being out and about and has lovely paces and cracking jump.
I have a very stressful job and horse is my relaxation but it's hard when sometimes I'm psyching myself up to ride after a stressful day, sometimes it's nice to just bimble without thinking, but I'm constantly aware I should be doing things properly and teaching her well.
Seem to be a few nice sports horse type all rounders about in my budget. Just worry about selling her, should I consider loan instead? don't like the idea I'd have no control where she ends up. I'd have her back if needed as have bit of land at home and she's a lovely horse to be around! But don't want someone to take her on break or spoil her then want to return. Ideally I need a swap- someone who has older been there done that and wants a younger model!!! Decided teaching a young horse is not for me, want someone to tell me the quirks then I can deal with them, don't like the fear of the unknown!!
Taking the weekend to think about it, you never know I might change my mind again!!!

 

[Red-1]

Glad you are thinking the options through.

I do sometimes sell if the horse is not a match for me, but it is rather like an adoption interview. I ask pertinent questions on the phone, assess the rider and their goals when they come and do a home visit before I allow payment (usually by dropping the horse off to the new home). I also offer to take the horse back if they are unhappy.

I have a couple of times upset people if I feel they are not a match for a horse. I have even had a bidding war on my first eventer, ended up turning down 3X the original asking price as the other owner (who paid the asking price) was a better match!

Although there are no guarantees when you sell, done well I do find it ethical.

Good luck in your search for a new horse. Buy one that makes you feel like you don't want to get off.

 

[Evie91]

Thanks Red, some good advice. So tricky to know the right thing to do!!