Opinions please - to quit with new horse?

[Racheljazz]

I am in a dilemma... I am a competant novice but have lost lots of confidence over last 18 months or so. I wasn't going to buy another horse but took the plunge recently. When i tried the horse i had no doubts at all and was very excited, however when i took delivery of her, that all changed. The horse was very very strong, bolshy, rude and was bolting to and from the field, i, or others at the yard could not hold her, we had to lead in bridle everywhere. In short it was horrible and trashed any confidence i had. I didn't want to go and see her, let alone do anything with her, but i did as i generally don't give up easily and i am very aware it was a new yard for the horse and she needed to settle etc etc.
However, things didn't settle so have moved her to another yard where to be fair she has settled very quickly and can get to and from field no problems.
The new problem is that now i don't trust her and we have no signs of a relationship starting. I know it can take time to build new relationships and bonds, but with my last two horses, the bond was very quick and i couldn't wait to go and see them! I don't look forward to going to see her, have barely ridden her and don't get any 'fuzzy' feeling knowing i am going up to see her. This to me, is all wrong. I don't expect an overnight connection at all, but i can't ignore that i feel the disaster in the first week/10 days of having her has ruined any chance we have together. She was sold to me as a total schoomistress and i'm sure she is, but her behaviour initially was certainly not a schoolmistress and i have lost all confidence around her and any horse. Everyone at the first yard all asked was i sure she was a schoolmistress due to her behaviour.
I am seriously debating selling her and giving up horses altogether now.
Helpful opinions be appreciated.

 

[exmoorponyprincess1]

Is there an instructor that you trust who could come and help you get on her initially and build your confidence though regular lessons? I would be inclined to go down that route, particularly as you mentioned that you are a novice, rather than quitting so soon after getting your mare? There must've been something about her you liked when you went to try her - you need to rediscover that spark. Good luck!

 

[southerncomfort]

Forgive me for saying this Rachel and I truly hope I don't come across as harsh....but it doesn't sound like you've given her much of a chance.

The reason I feel ok for saying this is because I did the same with my daughter's current pony. I didn't really click with her when we first bought her so i didn't make any real effort to get to know her or understand her. The result was that she didn't think much of me either and avoided me. I couldn't catch her and found her difficult and aloof to be around.

I had a good long hard look at myself and had to admit that I'd never really given her a chance. So I decided just to catch her and groom her every day for a couple of weeks. Within 4 days she was following me around the field like a puppy. I started doing a bit of groundwork with her a couple of times a week and now we are good pals.

I suspect that your past experiences are clouding your judgement a little around this horse. Perhaps your barriers have gone up a little because you are afraid of being hurt again.

Maybe she isn't the horse for you but before you make that decision why not relax, take the pressure of you both and just spend a few weeks getting to know her and let her personality shine through.

ETA: it's also worth looking at things from her point of view...she's had an awful lot of change in her life recently and she really needs a human to be her rock for a while. xx

 

[PorkChop]

How long have you had her now? Have you contacted the previous owner and asked them for any suggestions?

Definitely get some help, and if you can get someone else to ride her, even if it is just to show you that she is safe.

 

[Racheljazz]

Thank you for your replies.
Maybe i should have put in the title, how long to give a new horse before you decide it not working.
Southerncomfort - not harsh at all and you may well have a point that i have put a barrier up indirectly.
I should have also said i have been going up to yard, bringing her in, grooming her, feeding her and turning back out on days that i don't ride (which is most of them)!.. Looking back on my initial post, it may have come across that i have just left her in the field and not spent any time at all with her.
I have had her a month now, which i know is no time at all, but i just can't ignore what i feel about this situation and the mare. Maybe i have to face it that the initial difficulties i had with her have knocked me so much that i feel i made a wrong decision in buying again. I didn't rush into this and this is my 4th horse.
I have spoken with last owner quite a lot and has been surprised to hear this but has also been very supportive. If i decide that the mare isn't for me, if she is in position to buy her back, she will. I am not saying i want that to happen, it is just a real possibility. So, i guess i am trying to decide how long to give her and us before taking the step of not keeping her.

Irrespective of the hard time at first yard, she does deserve a good home and i would only really want the last owner to have her, if it got to that stage.

 

[soulfull]

Is the horse work strange. When you looking to buy everyone says 'you will know the right one when you find it'
But when you bring it home and months later you don't get on they say ' give it time"

Hmm been where you are twice and both time I persevered once for 8 years second time I leant my lesson and sold him after 18 months. Would have been sooner but had to give him a chance to recover from gastric ulcers.

In your position I would sell. If horse is worth it I would get her schooled and taken to a couple of shows so you get the best price and home.

It's supposed to be fun!! I now have a mare that I love spending time with both riding and otherwise. Despite being slightly disabled i can take her anywhere on my own. Too me that is what it SHOULD be like

 

[Louby]

Hi your post is a bit similar to my experience.
After my lovely boy who Id had 11 yrs had to be pts, I went out and bought a 5yr old just backed. My old boy wasnt easy, Id brought him on myself and never gave it a second thought when buying another young inexperienced horse, more fool me, he was totally backwards, spent more time running backwards into anything in the way and the final straw was his rearing, I got professional help but my confidence was shattered and he knew it. I never thought I could feel the way he made me feel so he was sold to an experienced producer who sorted him out and sold him.
I then bought my current boy, he wasnt really the type I was looking for but he felt so safe which is what I needed. The day he arrived he was like psycho horse and continued to be for the next few weeks, I was mortifed and wondered what on earth I had bought. He was so bad in the stable I had to chuck him out 24/7 and he was a wreck when I brought him in. We moved shortly after and like your horse he settled in a couple of days, was great to ride at first in the honeymoon period then he tried it on but he'd had time off with a soundness issue so I wasnt sure if it was pain related or not so I let him get away with it. My confidence was knocked again. We've had on off problems since, Ive had to be really firm with him and grow a pair but after my holidays I returned a chilled out person and touch wood hes finally returned to the horse I bought. Infact today was the first day Ive actually said 'I love my boy!!' hence me replying to your post as its taken me nearly 12 mths to finally feel like this. Im so excited now for the future. He certainly hasnt been easy but Im feeling its finally all been worth it. Its early days for you, I hope things work out for you.

 

[Hexx]

I had the same!

When I first saw my horse, I fell in love instantly - we clicked when I got on him to try him out and I knew that he was the right one.

When I got him home - a different matter! He was cantering round, in his box, yelling his head off. He was skittish, bargey and did not stop screaming. A very different horse to the schoolmaster I bought. It got to the point where I had to have someone on foot to hack out with me as he would spin and turn for home or spend the whole hack yelling. He did improve gradually but was still spooky.

Due to unforeseen circumnstances we had to move yards about 6 months after I got him. I was really worried he would not settle. however, he just marched into the new box, looked at the enormous pile of hay, sighed and got on with eating. He settled almost instantly. I mentioned what had happened when I first got him to the new YO and she said - silly girl - he's settled because he has you with him! that was the turning point, he went back to being the perfect horse. I even moved him a couple of times since then, and he always settled.

We went from strength to strength and I trusted him and he trusted me. We had 15 wonderful years together before he passed away in March.

Stick with your new girl! I am sure she will come right.

 

[honetpot]

Buying a horse is not like getting a boyfriend or even a friend, you have to be objective. Its hard but your personal feelings on how you feel about it and how you will bond are last on the list. Yes its great if you like the horse, I always say with children if they like the pony they will forgive them anything but the adult is the purchaser and has to be objective.
For instance. I bought a pony from a friend, he had separation anxiety, barged out the stable, first time I went to get him in the field he bit me, and he meant it, he could be a right royal pain to load but he was a safe as houses when ridden and could make the most novice rider look competent, he was obedient, safe as houses and a PC schoolmaster . In the 12 years I owned he was never really the friendliest pony but I respected him and cared for him for the star he was, and would have bought him again.
A schoolmaster knows an awful lot about being ridden and handled can weigh up riders almost as soon as they get on and this horse may have decided, if you are not going to take charge I will, being a mare more so. So I would get a knowledgeable rider to get on her and ride her for a week or so and see how they do, if they get on with her, be objective in deciding if you can replicate that. If you can not you must move on. Like all relationships the horse/rider relationship takes work, the rider has to put in most on the work and hopefully you end up with what you want.

 

[Barnacle]

To be clear OP, she is now settled, you have no trouble handling her etc? If that's right, the problem is completely in your head. Get someone to show you how to do some groundwork - that will make you feel more bonded to the horse. Then suck it up and start riding. To me it sounds like you had a couple of bad experiences and are now contemplating giving up even though everything is fine.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I have found that it can take mares, especially, years to settle into a new home. I have had many mares and have found that those who are, eventually, the most affectionate/giving can be the ones who take about 2 years to get to that stage. Of course they are not unsettled for all that time but when you look back you can see how your relationship with them has changed. Mares in particular, WILL take charge if they don't think you are up to it.
As it seems that your horse is happier on the new yard, and you are handling her without trouble now, I suggest persevering for a while longer and getting a good instructor to help you to build your ridden relationship with her.

 

[southerncomfort]

I have found that it can take mares, especially, years to settle into a new home. I have had many mares and have found that those who are, eventually, the most affectionate/giving can be the ones who take about 2 years to get to that stage. Of course they are not unsettled for all that time but when you look back you can see how your relationship with them has changed. Mares in particular, WILL take charge if they don't think you are up to it.
As it seems that your horse is happier on the new yard, and you are handling her without trouble now, I suggest persevering for a while longer and getting a good instructor to help you to build your ridden relationship with her.

I agree with this. And I think with mares you really do have to earn their respect!

 

[PeterNatt]

I am sorry but one month is not nearly long enough to get used to each other.
Some horses find it very traumatic and unsettling to move and take a long period of time to settle in.
I allow about 2 years for us to get used to each other and that is with a fairly strict routine which includes hacking out each day.
My 'Horse of a Lifetime' which was a mare took at least two years to settle in but turned out to be an amazing horse.

 

[BlackRider]

I'll agree with the others, it does take time, and some horses look to their owners for confidence, and if they see nervousness will mirror it back - which creates a viscous circle.

Try to think of positive things that happen each day, i.e. was she good to groom / catch etc.

Also, give yourself a break and split tasks / goals into baby steps, and set yourself goals that you think you can easily reach.

 

[stormox]

I think you are expecting too much. A 'bond' with a horse isnt instant, it takes time to build. At first, with a new horse, just look after it, handle it and ride it. By doing this, you will get an 'understanding' or a 'bond' if you like, with each other. A month is no time at all, especially as she didnt settle in the other yard.

 

[Cortez]

If you don't like the mare, sell her and get another that you like better. Horses are much easier than boyfriend or husbands: you're not allowed to sell THEM.

 

[Pigeon]

One of ours was a complete psycho (and I do not use the word lightly) for about eight months after he moved to us. And after that he suddenly reverted back to being a delightful schoolmaster, and remained so for the rest of his days. I think people underestimate how traumatic moving yards (or rather, herds) is for a horse. They are a creature of routine.

And I'm sorry, but ten days (!!!)

 

[pippixox]

A month is nothing, you could have any other horse and still find the same thing. horses can like relationships go both ways- sometimes you fall head over heals in weeks but then after a few months of fun reality kicks in and it is not so exciting and you start finding faults. or at first you are not so sure, take things slow, and in a few months realize actually you really like them....
yes, some horses click more with you than others, but all relationships take time to grow.
you have said yourself that your confidence was knocked when she was unsettled, but since then, in less than a month, she has started to behave and has done nothing wrong.
i know you said you have had more than one horse, but still when looking for a new horse you can get unrealistic and forget how long it took to bond with your last horse, I am sure it was not always perfect straight away with previous horses? but you are left with an idealized memory of them when you lose them.

 

[Bertolie]

I bought my young mare three weeks after losing my gelding. Things were okay at first then doubts started to set in. She was younger and bigger than my bombproof gelding and although I liked her, we hadn't 'clicked'. She frightened me but hadn't really done anything wrong, but I started making excuses not to ride her. I then found a lovely instructor that took us both back to basics. Last weekend I had a lesson and the following day I hacked her out on her own and something just seemed to click. I've had her nearly four months now and am finally starting to enjoy her.

 

[Pixxie]

I bought my mare as a 5yr old broken at 4 first youngster I'd had, tried her, loved her didn't want to get off. Got her home gave her a few days, got on.....wouldn't go out of walk, simply reared and said no, flew round her stable at a rate of knots when a horse moved, incredibly bolshy to handle, royal pain in the proverbial. Luckily very experienced and trusted instructor to help me out took a good six months for her to realise under saddle that I was categorically boss and no matter what she tried I would win......eventually haha. Took me a good year to say I loved her and mean it 4years on.....I absolutely adore her with all my heart took a good two years I'd say for her to really truly settle and I trust her and love her dearly to the extent six weeks ago I was kicked in the face after falling off a friends horse (not his fault clipped me as he ran away) and have sufferered extensive facial injuries including loss of most of my teeth....today I was allowed to ride again got back on her without a moments hesitation and grinned my gappy grin lol I'd never have done with her having had 6 weeks off 4 years ago I'd have laughed in your face if you'd suggested it. If she was right when you tried her give her time and find a good trainer if she's wrecked your confidence too much get rid not worth the pain of waiting if by the end your nerves will be shattered but if you still have ask me fight left in you and possess an irritating stubborn streak like I do haha stick with it

 

[Spreebok]

My mare was a miserable git for the first few weeks I had her. Always turning her back to me, putting head in the corner, suspicious of everything, even treats. It did concern me as to if I'd gotten the wrong horse after all. It's been nearly 6 months now and we've made progress, and I wouldn't say we've got that tight bond just yet, but it's getting there. Today she left her fieldmates to walk back down the field with me, which was lovely.

Give it a little more time OP, especially if she seems to be more settled in this new place. Why not get an instructor in to work with you both?

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Our first mare (2nd horse) was a complete nightmare for the first six weeks! Then we moved yards, which was an experience in itself. We led her the 4 miles or so from the old yard to the new and seriously at one point we considered putting her in a field and coming back for her later when we had all got our breath back. Shortly after that, about halfway to the new yard, she settled down and walked sensibly, even along the short stretch of main road that we had been dreading.
We kept her for 25 yrs and although she was always quirky and opinionated to ride she was rarely really difficult to handle after those first six weeks.
We never did work out what the problem was at the first yard - there was a stallion on both yards and many similarities between the two. Her first stable was in a barn while the 2nd was in a more traditional block, possibly she felt claustrophobic in the barn but did that really explain why she was so difficult in all situations, except to catch?
Funnily enough when we moved her to our own place, she had to be in a barn here but despite quite a low ceiling, she was never worried about being indoors. The only real explanation seems to be that we moved with her, each time and that constancy helped her to settle.

 

[JaneHogan28]

I'm not going to say what I think you should do. When I bought my horse I got a call two days later to say she's a nightmare, and I totally panicked. She was also showing some signs of being quite a handful so I went into a tizzy. I also had an offer to send her back which I have to say calmed me down. Everyone wanted to help and I got the full gamut of advice about what to do. It ranged from send her away to be 'sorted' to stop riding and just do groundwork. But in the end it just comes down to me and her and what I can and can't do. I had to stop listening in the end and let my instincts take over. I'm not brave but I have been riding for a long time. Sometimes I'm feeling brave and I can take it on, other times I just get off and lead her past what she's planting about because I either think she's genuine or I feel not up to it.

Only you can decide what's right to do or not do. I know it sounds weird on a forum but I would try to stop asking and sharing all the bad stuff because that becomes how you define things and your relationship and it might not be as bad as you think.

GOOD LUCK xx

 

[smja]

When we get a new horse, we expect them to abide by our rules (which might be different from what they're used to), to leave their old friends behind, to move to a strange new place, and to behave in exactly the same way as they used to. Madness, no? It does take time, and there's no set rule.

I also think you're placing a little too much emphasis on the 'bond'. Partnerships take time and testing to truly form, and it's different for each one.

 

[Sukistokes2]

If you don't like the mare, sell her and get another that you like better. Horses are much easier than boyfriend or husbands: you're not allowed to sell THEM.

This!!!!^^^^^
Life is too short, Cortez is right, if you don't get on with this girl let her go to someone who will love her and find yourself a horse you will love and will build up your confidence not knock it further, What ever you decide I hope it works out for you and the girle.

 

[PaddyMonty]

Just curios, what went wrong with the other 3 horses?

 

[Annagain]

I spent the first 2 years wondering if I'd made the wrong decision buying my boy. I wasn't scared of him, but constantly compared him unfavourably to my old (late) boy who had become a saint in my memory (he really wasn't. Then we cracked it (or rather I decided I had to get over myself) and we had the most wonderful 2 years together before he broke. Having now owned him 10 years. I don't regret a single day, not one fall (well maybe the one when I broke my engagement ring - there's probably still a diamond somewhere in a sand school near Cardiff ) not one frustrating dressage test where he couldn't contain his anxiety any longer and exploded. The only thing I do regret is not letting the good stuff happen sooner. He still has the odd explosion in a dressage test but I (and usually the judge, the writer, my caller and anyone else watching) just laugh at him now. It's just him - and the explosions these days aren't anxiety, he just can't possibly be good any more!

Now, I look back on the clear rounds and rosettes rather than the stops, I remember the two 8s we one had rather than the 1 (ok I do remember the 1, but with a smile!) and tell anyone who listens how he's THE best horse I know in traffic and wonderful to hack. He's also the cwtchiest horse I've ever come across and comes as soon as he's called every time. It's probably the treats or the promise of a nice warm stable full of hay and a feed but I'd like to think it's me he's coming for! The tints in my glasses have definitely got rosier the longer we've been together.

Open your mind, give her a bit of time and a chance. Get yourself a good patient instructor and have plenty of lessons. You'll get there with her.

 

[misskk88]

You have had the horse a month? You really need to give her a chance to settle, and to get to know her. Some horses take a good few months to settle into new routines and homes, and sometimes that means dealing with behaviour that perhaps is undesirable (but what you need is the confidence to deal with it). Bonds with horses do not happen overnight, and some take long and hard work. They won't magically appear, but I have found the ones you have to work a little bit with, usually give you the most rewarding relationships.

A month is nothing, and after having confidence knocks you are bound to doubt yourself, the horse, your bond, your relationship. I had a mare I hateedddddd for the first 6 months. I wouldn't however have managed turning it around alone. I had a patient and understanding instructor, who built my confidence and skills to handle her appropriately, and lessons which helped me learn to ride and 'speak' to her with tact and skill. I cannot speak highly enough of investing in some ground work lessons and a good instructor to help you.


I had tears and tantrums (away from her- not near her), and cried, and battled to turn what was a 'school mistress' into a 'school mistress with ground manners'. I got to the point at the 6 month mark where I said 'I will give it a few more weeks, and no more'. And overnight something changed. She became amenable, easy to be around, I looked forward to seeing her, and she started to try really hard to please me both ridden and on the ground. That didn't just happen by magic though. just hadn't realised the subtle changes that were happening because I was so caught up on 'I dislike this horse, why did I buy her'. I had to work bloody hard to keep going over the same old ground of 'move back' when I tell you, 'move over' when I tell you, 'stand still' when I tell you. It was frustrating, she annoyed the hell out of me, she stood on me numerous times, but it WORKED.

You liked her for a reason when you tried her. She needs time. You need time. And you probably would hugely benefit from the right instructor.

Unless you truly in your gut feel this isn't the right match (and no one would blame you if you did, because after all it is meant to be fun), then sometimes holding out a little longer, will see things turn around.

 

[Merrymoles]

My current horse was a nightmare for the first three months I had him - rearing in hand if anything worried him, jumping out of his stable twice, completely destroying a webbing "gate" put up to prevent it the second time, biting and really meaning it (bruises and destroyed clothing), refusing to stand to be mounted and then scurrying off at trot or canter once I was on.

Then we moved yards and he realised I was still with him and his behaviour started to improve. Seven months later we moved yards again when he had to go on box rest because of an injury and he settled beautifully.

He still has the odd "moment" but what horse doesn't! However, he meets me at the gate as soon as I go to the field, knows which car is mine and settles with a wither scratch when he's having a worry. I would say that nearly three years on he is still a work in progress but, boy, is he a different horse to the one that arrived! However, it took a year for us to develop any level of mutual trust.

I guess it depends on how much you want to build a bond with your horse. I realised early on that most of my horse's "bad" behaviour was down to fear and anxiety and that he needed some constants in his life. I was his fifth home in 12 months and it had all been too much for him. However, despite his behaviour, I liked him enough to want to give him a chance but it has taken time, patience and brave pants!

 

[AceAmara]

a month is nothing and especially if you are having no problems with her now behaviourally then Id stick with it for a while. On the other hand if after a month or so you were still finding her difficult to handle/ride and felt your confidence couldn’t take it, then that’s when to accept it’s not working imo.

Ive been in the same situation as you and as another poster said, i also had to give myself a severe 'talking to’. We all have this idealistic idea of what owning a horse should be and such high expectations and we see other horse owners happily and confidently going getting on with things. However once you accept that NO relationship with a horse is always rosy, that there are always highs and lows and then adjust your expectations to ready yourself to deal with the blips, you will feel a lot more able to bond with your new horse Im sure. You must have been so disappointed, thinking that she wasn’t the horse you set out to buy but ANY horse can change and behave in the way you have described in a new environment - because they are living breathing animals and unpredictable. You can try a horse you like a zillion times and be assured it is a schoolmaster only for them to be so unsettled in a new yard that they don’t seem like the same horse. Often Ive found, those who are schoolmasters and have been in the same home for quite some time are actually the ones who take it hard going somewhere new. When I was in your situation the previous owners said to me, look just bring her back and to be honest I really wasn’t expecting that. The thought of giving up so easily made me take myself inhand and knuckle down and a year later I have a super little horse that I adore. Take little steps with her, join a RC, get an RI... just spend time with her and it does come together.