Plats in tails

[jodie3]

Well I've been to see Oliie's Mum's matron for some happy pills after realising I had inadvertantly sent my old fence into the live wood trade and I've finally stoppped crying so |I have some questions about my shiny new fence.

I would really like to do some showing with it as it is a truly beautiful fence but I don't know what classes to do. I feel it is probably more of a heavyweight, native type of fence but it has plenty of scope and ability so do you think it could do a workers class? Would I need to trim up the barky bits on its rails or should it be completely natural? I quite fancied a couloured wood stain but I suppose it should be brown?

Also, how much weight do you think it can carry? There are some pretty hefty rambling roses it needs to support not to mention the honeysuckle and I really wanted a couple of clematis too. Do you think that is going to far? I've got a big sign up asking the crows and pigeons to use the scales I've left out to make sure they are not too heavy. Some pesky little bird keeps leaving purpley stains on the wood though. I hope I can get the stains out before our first show.

 

[Littlelegs]

Firstly, I have to assume your new fence is the result of indiscriminate breeding, and therefore ineligible for showing, you can just take him in nicest post & fence the judge would most like to nail at home. Perhaps your fence could have a future as a breeding prospect itself, lots of cute fencelets, happy days! As for weight, I always suggest 19 stone, its a popular no!

 

[Ollie's Mum]

Blimey Matron must have been in a good mood to be dishing out happy pills - make sure they aren't laxatives (you'll find out when you laugh) as she has a wicked sense of humour

As to showing well they seem to like the really rugged type for workers these days - breeds like New Forestry Commission do well. Coloured wood stain is frowned upon for Traditional Log classes - oh and don't trim side splinters, they have to be shown in the natural state.

 

[Spit That Out]

YAWN!!! Is this (fence) post still going...

You are all sitting on the fence so much you've got splinters on your bum.

I'm off to push the button and get TFC to shut this thread down

 

[Littlelegs]

No, quick we need a Facebook page, save our fence thread! And we could get donations too!

 

[jodie3]

Thank you Ollie's Mum, New Forestry Commission class sounds perfect! I would love to maybe one day qualify for FOYS.

I think that littlelegs is just jealous of my obviously county standard fence. Nicest post and rail the judge would like to take home - pffft. My fence is far better than that. As for indiscriminate breeding, I did say before that this is a home bred fence with impeccable pedigree. Its parents (whats left) are still in the wood here on the farm and my fence was left to season properly, none of this rushing and making these poor immature fences have straining wires and staples far too early.

As to Matron, I though there was a wicked glint in her eye. Excuse me a moment, I just have to........................................................................................................................................................................

 

[Ollie's Mum]

YAWN!!! Is this (fence) post still going...

You are all sitting on the fence so much you've got splinters on your bum.

I'm off to push the button and get TFC to shut this thread down

Oh dear - a whiff of jealousy from someone with a sub standard fence. (Probably plastic)

 

[Littlelegs]

Jodie3 I am not jealous of your foys standard fence, poor thing will be off to the sawdust man if it doesn't win. And has nobody told you the phrase homebred must mean of dubious parentage, bred by a fool & its irresponsible regardless of whether you keep it? Some people are soooo touchy.

 

[Ollie's Mum]

You don't think this post will vanish do you? There's just so much useful advice on here and not a word of criticism or argument from anyone. Fencing people are just the best.

I'm worried if it goes as I'm not on Fencebook

 

[Beausmate]

Does anyone have a quality beech rail I can put to my oak post? I'm looking to breed a top class fencelet.



Ollie's Mum-was that vanish or varnish? If it's the latter, they'd best make sure is FEI (Fence Examination Institute) approved

 

[Ollie's Mum]

Hmmm, Beech and Oak are not the best combination - I'd suggest English Elm if you can get hold of it - problem is the Dutch bred stuff that came over here brought disease.

 

[Fools Motto]

Help,

I've been reported to the RSPFP (Royal Society for the Protection of Fence Posts)... I was seen bashing one of them back in after it was trying to do a runner and fell over!
I don't know what to do?!
I also have one that has been almost chewed in half, but haven't had the Sawdust disposal team in yet, so it is still laying where it fell and died. The evidence is stacking up against me... I feel awful.

 

[tonitot]

And Ollies mum said my fences were bad, Fools Motto is PURPOSELY killing and abusing her posts!!!

 

[Fools Motto]

And Ollies mum said my fences were bad, Fools Motto is PURPOSELY killing and abusing her posts!!!

Really am not guilty.... I was trying to make it feel better before it tried to run away and fall over..
And as for the sawdust collection team, well, they keep changing their minds on when they can collect, I tell ya, I've been had!
Bluddy nosey neighbours for reporting me!!!

 

[Beausmate]

Excuses, excuses. Someone call Fencewatch.

 

[Fools Motto]

Excuses, excuses. Someone call Fencewatch.

No no, don't do that. I haven't stolen anything, It is legally mine - I have signed green and pink papers, I just bashed it on the head - thats all!

 

[tonitot]

I assume you were practicing fenceinelli when you were bashing it on the head?! Totally cruel!

 

[Littlelegs]

By any chance do you race your fence posts on the road fools motto? I'm not one to jump to conclusions but from the posts on this thread one can only assume.

 

[Fools Motto]

I don't race them on the road, honest and tethering them to the hedge to keep them in place - well they didn't like that. I've learned my lesson, the posts and the hedge don't like each other. I think the hedge was trying to grope the posts tbh... they gonna have to get on though. I can't put anymore boots and dead sheep on the posts for protection. I told the hedge off, and cut it.
I'm worried that the hedge may get back at me now, treat em mean keep em keen and all that!

 

[Cinnamontoast]

That's a very common novice problem cinnamon toast. You simply fasten it in place with a flash fence band, you need to show it who's boss. I also suggest you smack it under its bolt with electric tape.

I see. Despite owning this fence for 3054 years, you claim I am a NOVICE?! How very dare you? I see there is little point in asking for advice on a forum that isn't fence specialist.

 

[Littlelegs]

What do you expect, would you like a post rammed in your bush? No, thought not, so don't go ramming rails in someone else's either.

 

[Beausmate]

No no, don't do that. I haven't stolen anything, It is legally mine - I have signed green and pink papers, I just bashed it on the head - thats all!

Well, I hope you have all your fences properly postported and registered and woodchipped correctly.

 

[jodie3]

HELP!! I've just thrown my fence's Grandma in the logburner.

 

[Beausmate]

HELP!! I've just thrown my fence's Grandma in the logburner.

How could you do such a cruel and unnecessary thing!

 

[jodie3]

It was unintentional! She is/was retired from fence duties amd must have been lying in the sun on the log pile and got brought in with the common logs.

 

[Littlelegs]

I'm calling wfw. I know everyone has to start somewhere but I think its time you did some fence management at an approved barrier centre. Call the tree surgeon quick to save her, cold hose whilst you're waiting.

 

[jodie3]

Its too late.

The creosote I had put on her to help in her old age flared up too fast for me to save her and all thats left is a pile of ash.......

Will anyone beleive it was a tragic accident or do you think I should hand my other fences over to WFW now?

 

[Littlelegs]

Get them pts (put to shavings)

 

[Ollie's Mum]

Honestly I turn my back for 5 minutes to do a bit of wood whittling in my shed and I come back to read this I think this seems to be the dodgy end of the fencing fraternity that's inflitrated this thread now

 

[Fools Motto]

You calling me dodgy? Come tell the hedge, he's the one who is dodgy! I'm innocent, I always am!