PTSD after a series of traumatic falls from a young horse

[Marilyn91]

So, last September I bought a 4-year-old Connemara pony and due to a series of unfortunate events and mistakes on my part, she became completely unrideable.

I could ride her normally at first. She was, understandably, very green and bucked and bolted a couple of times, resulting in me falling off - once in the school and once while out hacking. But I got back on and continued having lessons, and my instructor also continued riding her. Then we changed yards, she had some time off and she developed a habit of bombing off when you try to mount or as soon as you get on. My very confident, capable friend gave it a go and ended up in hospital because the horse took off the minute she got on.

It was almost impossible to find anyone prepared to ride her, so with the help of two experienced trainers helping me on the ground (one holding her and one giving me a leg-up), we slowly (over several months) started de-sensitizing her to riding. It seemed we were making progress but she bombed off twice resulting in me falling off and the person holding her falling over. The last time really shook me and that was the point where I said I can't do this anymore. Luckily I managed to find a pro who is willing and able to retrain her - frankly, it's what I should have done in the first place. After three sessions, he was able to walk around the school with her. He's making good progress but she's still very explosive and just worlds away from being a normal, rideable horse.

The horse has been checked for everything under the sun, including back x-rays for kissing spines, ulcers, teeth, and her saddle was recently fitted by a master saddle fitter. I literally tried everything from the chiropractor to a pet psychic (lol), to no avail.

While the pro is working with her, I'm taking lessons on a school horse who is an absolute saint with an extremely patient instructor. I tried forcing myself to take group lessons last year, and I experienced almost uncontrollable panic as soon as my butt touched the saddle and I ended up getting off after a few minutes. Now, I can now walk, trot and canter in an arena with an instructor but sometimes I still tense up. Only a year ago I was very confident, trail riding for hours at a time, jumping cross-country etc. I am enjoying my lessons now and my seat is improving, which compared to where I was three months ago, is huge progress. But I feel like there's this mental block in my head. Like if my instructor leaves me alone, I feel nervous (totally unlike me - I always preferred riding alone and did so for years). I dread cantering and my canter seat is so tense and stiff that it impedes the movement of the horse.

My instructor has recommended looking into some kind of therapy. She says I'm a good rider but the fear in my head is holding me back. She mentioned the wingwave technique which is based on EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I've heard good things about NLP as well. Can anyone recommend types of treatment for PTSD and overcoming anxiety? I'd love to know what worked for you (and what didn't, so I can save my money!)

 

[PurBee]

EMDR is used often now with trauma, and accounts from people are positive. Its worth a try.

Theres a lady who does riding courses for these specific issues who keeps popping up on my facebook feed - ill add her link to the thread when i find her details.

Its understandable youve hit a road block - a very unpredictable horse causing endless falls and injuries will knock the most confident person, as we all essentially dont want to get hurt doing what we love! So know your reaction is a completely normal nervous system response.
In time, your brain will realise you are and can be safe riding, the neuronal wiring has just readjusted to thinking its not safe due to the unpredictable horse experience.
It takes time for the neurons to re-wire, but it can be done, works well.

Also, from a ‘practical perspective’ - if you feel having an air jacket, quick-release stirrups and other safety features for helping you feel safer riding would work for you to be more at ease, then go that route too.

When young falling off seemed like part of the joy of riding! But something about self-preservation when we get older especially means we all have a ‘i really dont wanna fall off’ mindset as we dont bounce so well on the ground!
Stick with horses known for their laid-back temperament to gain your confidence back. It sounds like youve found a perfect new horse for this already...thats a great start.
Ride a horse that suits your confidence level rather than suits your riding ability, if the 2 dont currently match.

The folks that ride anything are truly fearless and dont mind falling off...i truly admire that fearless spirit!

 

[Birker2020]

Like Purbee says an air jacket is an excellent choice and can make you feel much more confident. It's expensive but one of those necessary expenses, get a 0% credit card and pay it off weekly.
It will help your confidence so much.

 

[PurBee]

Scrolling through facebook looking for the woman who does confidence coaching im being advertised at by ‘fearless riding success’ so not sure if youll be interested but from a brief scroll through their page there are podcasts to listen to and they have a website, plus the lady who runs it has written a book/has audiobook covering gaining confidence methods.

i thought id link on the off chance its of interest too:

https://www.facebook.com/yourridingsuccess

(ill update with link i was originally hoping to find!)

 

[Marilyn91]

Scrolling through facebook looking for the woman who does confidence coaching im being advertised at by ‘fearless riding success’ so not sure if youll be interested but from a brief scroll through their page there are podcasts to listen to and they have a website, plus the lady who runs it has written a book/has audiobook covering gaining confidence methods.

i thought id link on the off chance its of interest too:

https://www.facebook.com/yourridingsuccess

(ill update with link i was originally hoping to find!)

Thanks a lot PureBee, I really like Natasha Althoff and I listened to her free fearless riding live stream a few months ago! It was really good and I got a lot from it (even made notes!). I almost signed up for the full program but it's $497 and I could get a lot of lessons with that money.... That said, if it gives me the breakthrough I need, it might be worth it. I'll need to have a think about it.

 

[Marilyn91]

Like Purbee says an air jacket is an excellent choice and can make you feel much more confident. It's expensive but one of those necessary expenses, get a 0% credit card and pay it off weekly.
It will help your confidence so much.

I have a body protector. Fortunately, the last two times I fell off I was wearing it and I do feel it helped a lot. I pretty much just bounced and didn't really feel anything! I don't wear it in my dressage lessons though because I feel it gets in the way. Is an air jacket better than a body protector? I'm not sure it would give me that much confidence though because it won't stop you from breaking a leg, or an arm, or various other body parts...

 

[littleshetland]

I have a body protector. Fortunately, the last two times I fell off I was wearing it and I do feel it helped a lot. I pretty much just bounced and didn't really feel anything! I don't wear it in my dressage lessons though because I feel it gets in the way. Is an air jacket better than a body protector? I'm not sure it would give me that much confidence though because it won't stop you from breaking a leg, or an arm, or various other body parts...

I feel your pain, I really do, and there have been some excellent suggestions above....but wrapping yourself in cotton wool isn't really going to help if your concerned that you might come off and break a limb. For what its worth, I don't think any amount of body protection will really restore your confidence - that comes from within. I do speak from some experience having had a very bad loss of confidence, but I never really felt anything I could have worn would have helped. I just got through the whole thing with my trusty riding hat and a grim determination to get back to where I was. I got to the point where I either gave up completely or got on with it....giving up was not an option. The turning point was I got so sick to death of myself being like that, and I met a woman in hospital who was having her foot/ankle amputated because her whole ankle had become infected due to a bad break .....she'd tripped down a kerbstone. Just take your time, and if you really want to...you'll get there.

 

[Frano]

I think people underestimate the trauma of this or similar situations. I think you should sell this horse and look for an older confidence giver type. Do not hurry or be hard on your self. Carry on with lessons on a horse you feel confident on. You need to be kind to yourself and not put your self under pressure.

 

[Neddie123]

Look up what PTSD actually is - unless a psychiatrist has actually diagnosed it you'll find it very difficult to get treatment on the NHS for EMDR. Frankly I think you should give up riding if you truly find it that scary.

 

[Ceifer]

OP you are brave to get back on so give yourself a pat on the back.

If you are considering getting back on the horse using an air vest, whilst they are brilliant for rider protection safety. They aren’t ideal for a reactive horse. I retrained a very reactive horse that was explosive to mount. It took a long time and I think the only thing that saved him was the fact he was incredibly talented jumping and went to a competition home. Anyway, he started Eventing and his owner came off xc and the noise completely freaked him out. Back to stage one virtually and he came back for training.

 

[Emilieu]

My colleague had EMDR following a car crash. She said it helped hugely. I hope you find a solution; I have been there and it is incredibly difficult.

 

[Sossigpoker]

I broke my back 18 months ago and have suffered serious anxiety, panic, flash backs , the lot about riding.
I can't tell you how much Karl Greenwood's book and hypnosis tape have helped me , as well as following him on his Facebook feed. He can give you tips and techniques but you still have to do the work to change your thinking. I've had my new horse for 8 months and I'm only now starting to trot , that's how hard it has been , but we are getting there ! To start with I would listen to the hypnosis tape in my car before every time I got on.
I also wear my air jacket every time i ride.
Karl's background is in working with people with anxiety so might be worth even asking him about a private session or two?

 

[Sossigpoker]

I have a body protector. Fortunately, the last two times I fell off I was wearing it and I do feel it helped a lot. I pretty much just bounced and didn't really feel anything! I don't wear it in my dressage lessons though because I feel it gets in the way. Is an air jacket better than a body protector? I'm not sure it would give me that much confidence though because it won't stop you from breaking a leg, or an arm, or various other body parts...

Air jacket is in a different league to a body protector! I broke my back in a body protector! I won't get on without my air jacket now and now realise just how little the body protector does when it comes to serious injuries

 

[Sossigpoker]

Oh and the HitAir blows up around your neck and your lower back so whilst it won't stop you breaking your leg or arm , it will make the chance of breaking your spine an awful lot less likely than a body protector.

 

[SEL]

It takes time to get your confidence back so along with everything suggested above, just keep working within your confidence zone. My falls off an unpredictable youngster were at canter and i hadn't realise how much it had affected me until my instructor asked me to put her schoolmaster into canter for the first time and i felt physically sick.

You will get there in time. Just keep going with school horses and don't feel bad for moving the youngster on to a more suitable home

 

[Marilyn91]

I feel your pain, I really do, and there have been some excellent suggestions above....but wrapping yourself in cotton wool isn't really going to help if your concerned that you might come off and break a limb. For what its worth, I don't think any amount of body protection will really restore your confidence - that comes from within. I do speak from some experience having had a very bad loss of confidence, but I never really felt anything I could have worn would have helped. I just got through the whole thing with my trusty riding hat and a grim determination to get back to where I was. I got to the point where I either gave up completely or got on with it....giving up was not an option. The turning point was I got so sick to death of myself being like that, and I met a woman in hospital who was having her foot/ankle amputated because her whole ankle had become infected due to a bad break .....she'd tripped down a kerbstone. Just take your time, and if you really want to...you'll get there.

Yes I absolutely agree, it's about the mindset, not the equipment. Thanks for sharing the story, it really helps put things into perspective.

OP you are brave to get back on so give yourself a pat on the back.

If you are considering getting back on the horse using an air vest, whilst they are brilliant for rider protection safety. They aren’t ideal for a reactive horse. I retrained a very reactive horse that was explosive to mount. It took a long time and I think the only thing that saved him was the fact he was incredibly talented jumping and went to a competition home. Anyway, he started Eventing and his owner came off xc and the noise completely freaked him out. Back to stage one virtually and he came back for training.

Yikes, good to know! Yes I'd be worried about it going off and causing more problems, that's the main reason why I haven't got one.

I broke my back 18 months ago and have suffered serious anxiety, panic, flash backs , the lot about riding.
I can't tell you how much Karl Greenwood's book and hypnosis tape have helped me , as well as following him on his Facebook feed. He can give you tips and techniques but you still have to do the work to change your thinking. I've had my new horse for 8 months and I'm only now starting to trot , that's how hard it has been , but we are getting there ! To start with I would listen to the hypnosis tape in my car before every time I got on.
I also wear my air jacket every time i ride.
Karl's background is in working with people with anxiety so might be worth even asking him about a private session or two?

I got Karl's book a while back, maybe I should give it another read and look into the tape as well.

Look up what PTSD actually is - unless a psychiatrist has actually diagnosed it you'll find it very difficult to get treatment on the NHS for EMDR. Frankly I think you should give up riding if you truly find it that scary.

What a ridiculous comment. I don't even live in the UK so obviously not expecting the NHS to fork out for it. I was a confident rider until a series of injuries on a horse no one else would even get on. I need some help getting my confidence back and because of that I should give up what I love? Jog on.

 

[Marilyn91]

I think people underestimate the trauma of this or similar situations. I think you should sell this horse and look for an older confidence giver type. Do not hurry or be hard on your self. Carry on with lessons on a horse you feel confident on. You need to be kind to yourself and not put your self under pressure.

I'm going to let the pro train her for now, because if I sold her in this state god knows where she would end up. She is so sweet and lovely on the ground and we have all really bonded with her. The jury's out as to what will happen long-term though.

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

Ptsd sufferer here from being deliberately hit with a car.

Emdr works. I had it for two years, also hypnotherapy and mindfulness helped me. You need something to help you find your grounding, once you have that you can help yourself calm down when the anxiety is chipping away.

Reflexology also helped me, I would get a session every four weeks, helped me find out what essential oils helped create calm for me and what my body responded to the most.

I also have medications but I have reduced these over the years to maintenance with the help of all of the above. Doesn’t mean I don’t have bad times, I do, but not as frequently in the beginning before my therapies.

Good Luck it’s horrible to have and hellish to live with at times x

 

[scats]

Look up what PTSD actually is - unless a psychiatrist has actually diagnosed it you'll find it very difficult to get treatment on the NHS for EMDR. Frankly I think you should give up riding if you truly find it that scary.

I think the OP is entitled to feel nervous after what has happened to her.

OP, I had a vaguely similar thing happen to me a few years ago. After a number of really nasty falls (and broken bones) off a horse who would turn himself inside out for no reason, I started to expect the same response from every horse if it tensed up. I would happily get on any horse, but if it tensed up even a little bit, I got the crippling sense of dread that I was about to get flung into orbit.

I found a lady on FB who did NLP. It really wasn’t my thing but I was desperate. It was weird- she spent an hour on the phone talking to me and making me tap various areas of my body. I wasn’t too convinced to be honest, but it did make an incredible difference. My extreme dread reaction to a tense horse became probably 70% less instantly. Perhaps a placebo effect? Who knows, but it did the trick. I then found that with the combination of the right horses to ride, I was able to eradicate the remaining fear.

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

Look up what PTSD actually is - unless a psychiatrist has actually diagnosed it you'll find it very difficult to get treatment on the NHS for EMDR. Frankly I think you should give up riding if you truly find it that scary.

If I went by that advice I’d never get in a car again as they cause me extreme stress and anxiety and for 3months after I was hit I would have physical reactions to cars starting, moving, making any loud noises etc.

Hypnotherapy helped me get back behind the wheel and able to walk a pavement. It’s a horrible thing to have and I’ll have mine for life so imagine being scared by something that is around you all the time, so advising someone just not to do it isn’t good advice ?

 

[Birker2020]

I have a body protector. Fortunately, the last two times I fell off I was wearing it and I do feel it helped a lot. I pretty much just bounced and didn't really feel anything! I don't wear it in my dressage lessons though because I feel it gets in the way. Is an air jacket better than a body protector? I'm not sure it would give me that much confidence though because it won't stop you from breaking a leg, or an arm, or various other body parts...

An air jacket is way better than a body protector as it inflates in 0.1 of a second and will cover vital areas like your neck which your body protector won't cover.

It can also prevent your head following through in a whip lash action. When I was thrown a couples of times by my last horse jumping I would knock myself out because I'd fall on my back and my head would follow the motion and hit the ground after my shoulders.

It fits like another layer of clothes (so like a gillet over the top of your outer clothes) so wouldn't get in your way like a body protector does, you don't even notice you are wearing it. Here are photos showing it uninflated and inflated after a fall. See how it protects the spine, coccyx and neck? It's around £445 from their shop. I think I paid £420 for mine from the lady at Hit Air Stand at Your Horse Live and that included 3 spare canisters. I know its a big outlay and there are cheaper air jackets on the market but I don't believe from the ones I researched in 2014 when I bought mine, that anyting was as good with as much coverage.

 

[Renvers]

When a friend was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth of her second child she found the medical approach was either it will pass or medication. She eventually used something called EFT which had been found to help soldiers recover from PTSD. I think she got treated privately but remember she found it really effective from the start and the difference in her was remarkable when I saw her after her course of treatment.

 

[TotalMadgeness]

I was in your shoes and I part exchanged the horse making me terrified to another horse (a young green IDx who'd only just turned 5). The good news is despite a rocky start (with my nerves) I still have this lovely boy after 6 years of ownership. The scary horse went to a more confident lady who loved him to bits and wasn't phased by him in the slightest.

 

[maya2008]

You took on a sharp young horse you didn’t fully have the experience to train. If she had been more placid/forgiving, if you’d had help with the saddle issues quicker (from previous threads) or you had had more experience in general, you and she wouldn’t be here. Plenty of people make that mistake - everyone has to start somewhere, and often it is not clear at purchase how sharp that sweet 4yo might become as they get stronger. My son rode the mare I now have at 3yo and 4yo, she was perfect. At 5yo she was much too full of herself for him, so she’s mine for now! She will grow and learn, and then he will probably take her back. Many professionals also have limited experience with young horses (stage 3 BHS/AI doesn’t include that sort of thing for example) so cannot really help. It was a series of unexpected, unfortunate events and things got out of hand. Your fear is completely justifiable.

You do need therapy, and some great suggestions have already been given. But you also need a regular ride that gives you confidence once you get to that point. This mare may never be for you, as you will always remember what she was like, not how she will become. You’re doing all the right things for her now, it may be that once she is going really well, finding her a home that is experienced with sharp young connies would be best, and you can find something amazing for you - that gives you your confidence back in spades and makes you feel you can do anything.

I sold one on because she was just too reactive for anything we wanted to do. She had had a start a bit like your mare, and had come to us in a bit of a state mentally. I got her relatively calm, safe to ride and in a happy frame of mind - then found her a home where she could do something she enjoyed (pony games) and didn’t have to hack solo or do dressage (which she found too spooky)! She was so happy when I visited her, it was lovely to see her doing well and in her element.

I hope everything works out well and you’re soon happy and enjoying horses again to the full.

 

[hoofprints1994]

Continue to give yourself lots of time and stick to horses you know and feel 100% on. It sounds like you have already come a very long way so be really proud of yourself for that. It is a very difficult thing to overcome. I have been there too after a series of falls from a pony who suddenly started bolting which shattered my confidence. When you feel ready, maybe start seeing if there are other safe horses at your riding school who you can start to have lessons on as well, learning to regain trust in more than 1 horse, especially in canter, has been a massive step for me! I think it can be important to accept you may not be the same rider as you were before too...and that that's completely fine. I will probably never have the confidence to ride green/young horses again and whilst that's a bit sad as I enjoyed it, it's also fine as there are plenty of fun yet safe horses out there and I'm quite happy being a lot more selective/cautious about what I choose to get on now. So try to separate your past self from where you are now, you'll just end up feeling more down/frustrated if you keep comparing. Just keep chipping away at achieving little goals and remember to keep whatever you are doing fun and enjoyable.

Also - lots of brilliant suggestions above re therapy, but I'll suggest something a bit different...Not sure where you are based but if in the UK, the Centre of Horseback Combat offers rider confidence courses and/or horseback archery lessons (on their own horses who I imagine are exceptionally well trained). I'm sure there are similar places elsewhere. I haven't been so can't personally vouch for anything, just thought it might be something to consider. A friend of mine who is very nervous riding new horses & cantering in open spaces, did the archery day and was happily cantering along in a field with no reins shooting at targets by the end much to her complete disbelief! It has been a massive boost to her confidence and so could be something a bit different to look into!

 

[Leandy]

I have no direct experience but I would query whether it is helpful to have in your mind that you may get back on the same horse again at some point in the future. I wonder whether it would be helpful to put that behind you? I would decide now to find the horse another home once it is suitably saleable, then move on yourself with suitable therapy and help and riding more suitable horses and see where it leads. Don't force yourself to think that you may be able to ride that horse again. No need to think of it as failure, just accept the horse is not for you and move on.

 

[Marilyn91]

Ptsd sufferer here from being deliberately hit with a car.

Emdr works. I had it for two years, also hypnotherapy and mindfulness helped me. You need something to help you find your grounding, once you have that you can help yourself calm down when the anxiety is chipping away.

Reflexology also helped me, I would get a session every four weeks, helped me find out what essential oils helped create calm for me and what my body responded to the most.

I also have medications but I have reduced these over the years to maintenance with the help of all of the above. Doesn’t mean I don’t have bad times, I do, but not as frequently in the beginning before my therapies.

Good Luck it’s horrible to have and hellish to live with at times x

Thank you for sharing your experience ?

I found a lady on FB who did NLP. It really wasn’t my thing but I was desperate. It was weird- she spent an hour on the phone talking to me and making me tap various areas of my body. I wasn’t too convinced to be honest, but it did make an incredible difference. My extreme dread reaction to a tense horse became probably 70% less instantly. Perhaps a placebo effect? Who knows, but it did the trick. I then found that with the combination of the right horses to ride, I was able to eradicate the remaining fear.

Thank you for sharing your experience ?

You took on a sharp young horse you didn’t fully have the experience to train. If she had been more placid/forgiving, if you’d had help with the saddle issues quicker (from previous threads) or you had had more experience in general, you and she wouldn’t be here. Plenty of people make that mistake - everyone has to start somewhere, and often it is not clear at purchase how sharp that sweet 4yo might become as they get stronger. My son rode the mare I now have at 3yo and 4yo, she was perfect. At 5yo she was much too full of herself for him, so she’s mine for now! She will grow and learn, and then he will probably take her back. Many professionals also have limited experience with young horses (stage 3 BHS/AI doesn’t include that sort of thing for example) so cannot really help. It was a series of unexpected, unfortunate events and things got out of hand. Your fear is completely justifiable.

You do need therapy, and some great suggestions have already been given. But you also need a regular ride that gives you confidence once you get to that point. This mare may never be for you, as you will always remember what she was like, not how she will become. You’re doing all the right things for her now, it may be that once she is going really well, finding her a home that is experienced with sharp young connies would be best, and you can find something amazing for you - that gives you your confidence back in spades and makes you feel you can do anything.

I sold one on because she was just too reactive for anything we wanted to do. She had had a start a bit like your mare, and had come to us in a bit of a state mentally. I got her relatively calm, safe to ride and in a happy frame of mind - then found her a home where she could do something she enjoyed (pony games) and didn’t have to hack solo or do dressage (which she found too spooky)! She was so happy when I visited her, it was lovely to see her doing well and in her element.

I hope everything works out well and you’re soon happy and enjoying horses again to the full.

Wow, you have been paying attention! Yes, that absolutely hits the nail on the head.

It's great that you are able to train the pony and give her confidence, and then give her back to your son when both are ready. Don't suppose you want another one? ?

I am taking lessons 1-3 times per week and someone at my yard is offering part loan on two of their horses, so that might be worth exploring. I am thinking of loaning her out when the pro is finished with her, in the hope that we will meet in the middle after a year or so. I do want to be the kind of rider that is skilled and confident enough to ride young and sensitive horses and I would hate to sell her because I love her to bits. I'm reluctant to sell because she is a sensitive soul and I see enough people treat their horses like machines. We have really bonded and on the ground she does take confidence from me. But I know I can only keep her if I can ride her and give her confidence under saddle too, anything else is just not fair to her.

Continue to give yourself lots of time and stick to horses you know and feel 100% on. It sounds like you have already come a very long way so be really proud of yourself for that. It is a very difficult thing to overcome. I have been there too after a series of falls from a pony who suddenly started bolting which shattered my confidence. When you feel ready, maybe start seeing if there are other safe horses at your riding school who you can start to have lessons on as well, learning to regain trust in more than 1 horse, especially in canter, has been a massive step for me! I think it can be important to accept you may not be the same rider as you were before too...and that that's completely fine. I will probably never have the confidence to ride green/young horses again and whilst that's a bit sad as I enjoyed it, it's also fine as there are plenty of fun yet safe horses out there and I'm quite happy being a lot more selective/cautious about what I choose to get on now. So try to separate your past self from where you are now, you'll just end up feeling more down/frustrated if you keep comparing. Just keep chipping away at achieving little goals and remember to keep whatever you are doing fun and enjoyable.

Also - lots of brilliant suggestions above re therapy, but I'll suggest something a bit different...Not sure where you are based but if in the UK, the Centre of Horseback Combat offers rider confidence courses and/or horseback archery lessons (on their own horses who I imagine are exceptionally well trained). I'm sure there are similar places elsewhere. I haven't been so can't personally vouch for anything, just thought it might be something to consider. A friend of mine who is very nervous riding new horses & cantering in open spaces, did the archery day and was happily cantering along in a field with no reins shooting at targets by the end much to her complete disbelief! It has been a massive boost to her confidence and so could be something a bit different to look into!

What is it with ponies and bolting? ? Sorry to hear you've been through the same thing!

This is good advice. Just for fun, I did have a little ride on the 18hh horse my partner rides in his lessons! It was fun and I felt like me again. My instructor recommended I start riding other horses in my lessons, which is something I feel quite excited about. I feel safe if she is there and approves, she's kind of like my "anchor". I guess the next step for me is to feel confident riding alone again and on different horses. I am actually hoping to be a better rider than before, because I think my old confidence was based on naivety and ignorance rather than skill. But I agree with keeping it easy and fun!

I've heard about their rider confidence course and it looks AMAZING. I think part of what is contributing to my lack of confidence is that I've mostly ridden reasonably well-behaved horses and I'm not prepared to deal with it if the shit hits the fan. In the course they teach you how to fall properly and sit a rear. I live abroad but as soon as the Corona regulations are relaxed and I can get into the UK and back, I'm going to book my place.

 

[Fransurrey]

I have no direct experience but I would query whether it is helpful to have in your mind that you may get back on the same horse again at some point in the future. I wonder whether it would be helpful to put that behind you? I would decide now to find the horse another home once it is suitably saleable, then move on yourself with suitable therapy and help and riding more suitable horses and see where it leads. Don't force yourself to think that you may be able to ride that horse again. No need to think of it as failure, just accept the horse is not for you and move on.

I agree with this. I was in a position to retire my mare that trashed my confidence and wouldn't ever consider getting back on. I also would sell the horse (or retire/pts if it turns out to be physical after all).

 

[Cutgrass]

I went through something similar after being decked by an older but green horse. I'd got to the point where I felt dread even thinking about riding. Luckily lots of very experienced friends and family members told me to not get back on and to ride confidence givers in very safe situations (as safe as possible, anyway, as we all know risk can't be totally eliminated). At first, I'd tense if I saw any parallel between the horse I was riding and what had happened before (even down to coat colour), and horses would react to it, so I've had to really force myself not to. Seeing results after that has been very positive.

The biggest thing for me was accepting, and being relieved at knowing, I would never ride the horse my fall occurred on again. As others have said, I'd try and sell your horse eventually. You will have feelings of dread and stress hanging around even just thinking about possibly riding her further down the line and these will affect your riding now. Good luck moving forward with it all whatever you decide, and I'm sure you'll get to the point where you can again enjoy doing what you love!

 

[Spotherisk]

I hope you find a way forward. As scats said, tapping is weirdly helpful… like how the hell will tapping make a difference?! But it does!