Quandry .. Advice please

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Bedford Joy

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Hello all, I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice regarding my situation? I currently have two horses on a lovely yard but they are on full livery so it's quite costly. I am considering the possibilty of letting one of my horses go to make the monthly costs more manageable but it's not as straightforward as that ...

My horses adore each other and have bonded so strongly (both mares) so I am worried about the psychological effects on both horses if I seperate them. Also they are both "special" in their own ways. The older mare is 16 and has lameness issues so is only suitable as a gentle hack and I'm worried what her future would hold if I gave her away. My other mare is 11 and an ex broodmare. She is buzzy and stressy and difficult to hack so again she would be difficult to rehome.
Aside from the practical side of things I absolutely adore my horses and would be heartbroken to let them go so what are my other options?

I could move to a local Polo yard who have offered 24/7 turnout all year with stables whenever I want them and the costs would be greatly reduced as they would be out more and the polo yard are happy to help me out whenever I need to as my time is very limited due to a 15 month old son and a hubby who does not like me spending more than one or two times a week with the horses hence the full livery.

I am not sure what to do .. It would be easier to let one of them go but kinder to keep them and move ... What would you do ???

My homemade blackberry and apple crumble with custard for anyone who gets this far x
 
Sort your husband out first them move to polo yard if you want to. If he pays for the horses and complains about it explain options are stay the same or get cheaper livery but you need to be there every day.
 
What is it with all these men demanding their wives and girlfriends don't spend too much time with the horses? Twice a week for two horses? That is completely unreasonable. I do understand a bit if it means that he is looking after the child, but it IS his child! I think he has a choice to make, not you. Either he lets you do the horses more often and saves money, or you don't go very often but it costs money. If you sell one of the horses you will resent him, believe me. You may not think so right now, but in years to come it will eat away at you and damage your relationship. Does he want an unhappy wife?
 
I go to the yard before OH goes to work in the morning (and before little one gets up) about 6am! Then I either take her with me in the afternoon or if I have things on the yard to do, wait till OH gets home from work then go - about 6pm. Could you not sort something like that out? Muck out etc in the morning so it minimises time spent in the evening.
 
I would take them to polo yard and tell the OH to get real. The horses need you to be there to see to them. He his able to see to himself for a couple of hours at night and he is cabable of seeing to his child aswell. Have you considered getting in a share to help with the horses or they not suitable for someone else to ride?
My OH would be told exactly what i thought if he told to spend less time with my horses!!
 
I don't know what it is with men (or women!) thinking they can dictate like this regarding what their partner does. Mine complains at me riding out a few times a week. Keep mine at home and they are out 24/7 so it is literally a couple of times he comes home and I want to go out. Usually my daughter is in bed or ready for bed and I work full time too so he has utterly no reason to try and dictate to me what I do yet he still thinks he can :rolleyes::mad: only a few weeks of getting a decent hack after work and I am damned if he will stop me.
 
Ditto Wagtail - either it costs more or you spend more time with them and he gets more quality time with his baby!! Or tell him to buy somewhere with land and a fieldshelter! Final option - move them to the polo yard and find yourself a nice rich, horsey polo bloke to run off with...

On the other subject, my mare gets very attached to other horses too - one at a time, but has been fine when one has been sold or she has gone to stud etc - she just attaches herself to something else!!

I would say both horses would be hard to find decent homes for really.

ps. Ladies do you not vet these men?? I made sure mine was an accomplished mucker outer and groom before I married him!!
 
Honey08 said:
ps. Ladies do you not vet these men?? I made sure mine was an accomplished mucker outer and groom before I married him!!
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Mine already had a horse!!! And he proposed when I was riding my hombred 4yr old!!

In all seriousness, it doesn't sound like the horses are the real issue. I think you need a long chat with your OH.
 
Love the idea of moving to the polo yard and running off with a fitty polo player :D


Do you know what? This week on here has really made me realise what an absolute treasure my OH is :o
 
I think the polo yard then new polo playing rich hubby sounds just right :p

Honestly these men, I just couldn't be with someone who dictates my horsey time to me, or anything else for that matter.
 
Wagtail said:
What is it with all these men demanding their wives and girlfriends don't spend too much time with the horses? Twice a week for two horses? That is completely unreasonable. I do understand a bit if it means that he is looking after the child, but it IS his child! I think he has a choice to make, not you. Either he lets you do the horses more often and saves money, or you don't go very often but it costs money. If you sell one of the horses you will resent him, believe me. You may not think so right now, but in years to come it will eat away at you and damage your relationship. Does he want an unhappy wife?
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Agree totally it's bizarre what are these men on ?
They need a decent kick up the backside or ignoring.
 
Thanks everyone for your advice. My marriage is complicated but suffice to say DH pays for everything. I have my own business but as I have a 15 month old son I've not done much freelance work lately. I am still considering my options but you have all given some great advice which I will consider when making my final decision :)
 
I am always busy, I run the finances of 3 companies from home, look after our 3 children aged 7,5 and 15 months. I had one day off work to have my son :)
 
Unless he's paying for someone else's son, he really shouldn't be restricting you access to your horses, which I presume you had before you met him?

I feel for anyone in complicated relationships and admire the angle you have re the 'separation issues' of your mares when most people never consider this initial upheaval on long-term pair bonds. Unless either one is left without a replacement friend, is is unusual for a horse to get depressed once moved into a new herd, if a good new home is found.

However, I really don't think it's ridiculous to want (or be allowed) to see your horses on a daily basis! And I'd move yards ;)

All the best with this one.
 
Bedford Joy said:
I am always busy, I run the finances of 3 companies from home, look after our 3 children aged 7,5 and 15 months. I had one day off work to have my son :)
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Are they his companies?

Maybe you should stay at the full livery til the kids are a bit older. Just visit to check out the rich good looking polo players :D
 
Lol :)
Yes they are his companies :)
Good advice, full livery means I don't have to worry that if he's having a bad day that me seeing the horses would cause a huge row. They are very happy where they are too ... I have thought of leaving but after 20 years and the impact in the children I'm not strong enough. Besides if I did I'd definitely lose the horses. I'd have to be homed by the council and I am positive I'd lose the horses then :(
 
Bedford Joy said:
Thanks everyone for your advice. My marriage is complicated but suffice to say DH pays for everything. I have my own business but as I have a 15 month old son I've not done much freelance work lately. I am still considering my options but you have all given some great advice which I will consider when making my final decision :)
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You do the paperwork for three of his companies but don't draw a wage? You need a new accountant.
(I would say a new OH)
 
I honestly think you need to reconsider how you feel about yourself, then perhaps you might be able to sort the OH out.

If you are doing the finances at home for his companies, you are a part of them, so its not OH paying for everything. its you earning it.

If you cant afford the time for your own business because of his, tell him to find someone else. You could then earn your own money and give you some independance.

As for leaving, why do you have to leave, you have the kids. As they are so young he would have to pay, kick him out. You probably have a claim to his businesses as well.

Perhaps it might do you, and him, good to find out exactly where you would stand. You might be pleasantly surprised.

I know its easy for us to say this, so good luck with whatever you decide.
 
Bedford Joy said:
No point, he thinks I'm lazy ..
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That is the saddest thing on this thread
You know all the stuff he thinks you don't do - take a week away and let him do it all.

More sensibly go to Citizens advice and find out what you would be entitled to if you chucked him out.
 
Sorry Rockysmum reply was to thread above. I have no self esteem which I think makes his position stronger .. 20 years of abuse will do that to you. That's why the horses are so important to me, they make me feel free and happy, and I can't feel that at home x
 
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