Random but really need advice!!!!

[scopeybay98]

So...here goes.
I’m 17. I’ve been riding for over 6 years and I’ve got a loan horse at the moment. I part loan her and she’s really lovely and has a lovely temperament. However, her capabilities are limited and I knew this when I started loaning her. This is fine because I’m planning on purchasing my own horse towards the end of this year as I’ve finally saved enough. My family has bought a small holding with house, stables, arena and paddock and we are moving in the summer, not just because I ride but because my parents wanted more space. This is amazing and I’m so thankful however...my mum wants to move the loan horse to the new farm. Not for me though...for her. She has never ridden her but has decided that she is the perfect horse for her? She had a few months of lessons years ago and then quit and even then she was on the lead rein and cantered maybe once, still struggled with trotting. She thinks it’s funny that she can barely ride so I can’t really get it into her head that she needs to be able to actually ride to have a horse. She won’t do lessons either. Her EQ pains me but that’s not the point. She doesn’t need to be a dressage star, or even be able to jump, but at the very least she should be able to trot and canter and not be scared of riding a 14 hh 20 year old cob as she had no confidence when riding this at the riding school. What would happen if the horse spooked? Or bolted? She has no understanding that although my loan horse has a lovely temperament, anything could happen! And she is not an easy horse to ride, i guess it just looks easy to my mum. So there’s that but then there’s also the case that I know 100% the owner would never move her horse. She’s had a bad experience before and has stated multiple times that she would never move the horse again. I understand and respect this. However my mother does not. She thinks that by offering free livery she will win her over. She’s basically asking for full loan when she can’t even ride. I’m positive that if and when she asks it’s going to ruin my relationship with the owner and the yard as gossip travels fast up there. I’m not going to loan this horse for forever but I don’t want to have to stop because my relationship with the owner has been ruined. Whenever I try to voice my opinion my dad shoots me down because “this is for your mum, not for you”. There are so many horses out there I don’t understand why my mum can’t take lessons and then either full loan or buy a horse that the owner actually wants to be full-loaned or sold! I know she doesn’t understand the unwritten rules of the horse world but if she asks I’m going to look like a spoiled pony club brat who thinks she owns her loan horse! I don’t know if I sound spoiled to you all but I’m just trying to save the worst from happening. My mum is far too inexperienced and I’d hate for her to get her way only to discover she’s not confident at all.
Any advice is welcome- let me know your POV whether it agrees with me or not.

 

[Btomkins]

I’d think that as you say the owner of the horse you loan wouldn’t consider moving, then you have your answer and it’s a non starter anyway?

 

[scopeybay98]

I’d think that as you say the owner of the horse you loan wouldn’t consider moving, then you have your answer and it’s a non starter anyway?

Yes, the horse is never moving whether my mum asks or not, but my mum doesn’t understand this so the goal is to stop her from asking as it would ruin my relationship with the owner and the yard.

 

[coblets]

If you're this concerned, speak to the horse's owner. Ultimately it's their decision, and they'll know what's best for their horse.

 

[scopeybay98]

If you're this concerned, speak to the horse's owner. Ultimately it's their decision, and they'll know what's best for their horse.

Forgot to mention that I’ve been forbidden to speak to the owner about it because it’s my mums decision? ? It’s all very complicated and I feel like every piece of advice I get there’s something that goes against it.

 

[throwawayaccount]

I would still speak to the owner if you can, and ask for her discretion- and for the owner herself to ultimately let your mum know that moving yards is out of the question. Not necessarily there and then, but perhaps in a way so it isn't obvious you have had a word?

 

[smolmaus]

Forgot to mention that I’ve been forbidden to speak to the owner about it because it’s my mums decision? ? It’s all very complicated and I feel like every piece of advice I get there’s something that goes against it.

No part of this is your mum's decision. It is only the decision of the person who owns the horse.

I'm sorry that both your parents seem to have temporarily lost their minds, I know it puts you in a sticky situation, but if you figure out the worst case scenario that will better inform your decision here.
A) Don't say anything to the owner, she thinks you are as entitled as your parents and maybe you lose your loan horse and what seems like a positive relationship but your mum will be annoyed with someone other than you. You then can buy your own as planned and your mum can look for something else.
B) You do explain the situation to the owner, ask her not to mention to your parents that you said anything, maybe they find out anyway. Then what? Will your mum get over it eventually or will that have even worse repercussions? Will she then stop you buying your own?

 

[blitznbobs]

why would it ruin the relationship? Mum asks for something, owner says no. end of. I was always told 'Shy Bairns get nowt'. There is no harm in asking. If they take offense at a simple question then the problem really isnt with your mother

 

[Arzada]

What if ... your mother's conversation with the owner is perfectly civilised and neither side is offended and your loan horse stays where she is because the owner is not swayed by free livery or any other carrot AND your relationship with the owner and the yard isn't ruined.

 

[Winters100]

Speaking personally if I had a horse out on loan I would not let it move, but neither would I be offended by someone asking. In fact I might be rather happy that they liked the horse enough to want to take it along to their new home. Personally I would not worry about it. Most likely scenario is owner says no, if they for some reason say yes then you Mum can see how she gets on. If she does not like it she can always end the arrangement. Seriously don't worry, I can't see anyone being angry at you, and even if they are it is always worth remembering that no one stays angry forever

 

[Goldenstar]

Your Mums an adult and so are you .
I would shut up and let this run if she does end up getting the horse then she can take her own choices even if they are bad .
When the owner comes to discuss this with you be honest in a delicate way as possible .

 

[brighteyes]

Yes, the horse is never moving whether my mum asks or not, but my mum doesn’t understand this so the goal is to stop her from asking as it would ruin my relationship with the owner and the yard.

Why would it? Can you not have a quiet word in the owner's ear and forewarn them? If the owner is happy with your care so far and the 'not moving yards' is established and agreed, why are you worrying? Maybe write down the embarrassing situation you find yourself in and give a copy to the other two parties. Your dad sounds equally 'idiotic or deluded as your mum, IMO.

 

[HeyMich]

How about a 3rd option...


When you get your new horse at the end of the year (by the way, how exciting!) and you take him/her to the new house, you'll need some sort of companion... Why don't you suggest that you keep the 20 yr old cob on a semi-retirement basis, as a calm, gentle companion for your new horse, and for your mum to occasionally ride. You could hack together, and we all know that you learn so much by hacking. Then, when your mum gains her confidence and realises that there's still a lot to learn, she can have lessons with you when you get local instructors to your arena.

Just, y'know, another way to solve the dilemma.

 

[alibali]

As the last few posters have said, say nothing at the moment, wait until and IF your Mum asks and is refused. Then and only IF the owner seems to have a problem with you try to find aquiet opportunity to let them know your point of view. Don't rush in and potentially create a problem which has not yet and may never actually occur Fingers crossed!

 

[cobgoblin]

If the owner doesn't want to move the horse, that's the end of it.

 

[Not_so_brave_anymore]

The thing with parents, is sometimes you've just got to let them make their own mistakes ?‍??

Seriously, you're right, your mum has got caught up in the romance of thus amazing new property, and she had temporarily lost her mind. But I don't think many people hold teenagers responsible fo their parents actions.

On another note- keeping a horse at home by yourself is really different to being on a yard. If you have a bad experience, or lose some confidence, it's much harder to get it back. I would go for a horse a couple if notches below what you're really capable if riding, if that makes any sense? And it will defo need a companion, and actually something semi retired that your mum could hack on might work well.

 

[ester]

As you only part loan I presume the owner is pretty involved/still riding so to me you seem to be worrying about a non-problem.

Mich I think the RS horse was a 20yo cob, not the part loan.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Yes, the horse is never moving whether my mum asks or not, but my mum doesn’t understand this so the goal is to stop her from asking as it would ruin my relationship with the owner and the yard.

Tell the owner what you have told us, that way she will be prepared for your mum's request and will also know that it isn't your idea.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

I’d be having a quiet confidential word with the owner to let her know that you love part loaning her amazing horse, but are planning buying your own soon. Meanwhile your mother, who can’t ride is on about offering to full loan the horse for herself even tho she can’t ride (I’d get this into the conversation as many times as you can!)

Your mum is being unreasonable, of course. Who would end up doing all the hard work (turn out, feed, muck out etc)? You will of need a companion for your new horse.

 

[Muddywellies]

I wouldn't get involved. Your mum is big enough to deal with this herself. Let her sort it with the horse's owner. At least when it doesnt go your mum's way, you can't be blamed. Nope, I'd be keeping my head down.

 

[Arzada]

ester that's a neat number of messages 55,555!

 

[scopeybay98]

why would it ruin the relationship? Mum asks for something, owner says no. end of. I was always told 'Shy Bairns get nowt'. There is no harm in asking. If they take offense at a simple question then the problem really isnt with your mother

The owner has made it clear multiple times that the horse is not for full loan, will not move yards and has had a previous bad experience with full loan, therefore I feel that even asking is just cheeky and entitled if that makes sense?

 

[scopeybay98]

What if ... your mother's conversation with the owner is perfectly civilised and neither side is offended and your loan horse stays where she is because the owner is not swayed by free livery or any other carrot AND your relationship with the owner and the yard isn't ruined.

That would be the best case scenario but knowing my mum that’s just not how it would go ?‍ The owner has made it clear many times that the horse isn’t moving so I feel that my mum even asking will make the both of us seem quite entitled. Gossip spreads like wildfire at this yard too. My mum has said a few things already that make me seem like an entitled loaner so even thought I know the answer is no to moving the horse I’m just trying to stop my mum from even asking so I can maintain my relationship with the yard and owner.

 

[scopeybay98]

How about a 3rd option...


When you get your new horse at the end of the year (by the way, how exciting!) and you take him/her to the new house, you'll need some sort of companion... Why don't you suggest that you keep the 20 yr old cob on a semi-retirement basis, as a calm, gentle companion for your new horse, and for your mum to occasionally ride. You could hack together, and we all know that you learn so much by hacking. Then, when your mum gains her confidence and realises that there's still a lot to learn, she can have lessons with you when you get local instructors to your arena.

Just, y'know, another way to solve the dilemma.

The cob was the horse at the RS but that’s basically my mums plan actually but the problem is that she can’t ride and has never ridden said loan horse. This horse also needs a proper exercise at least 5 days a week, which my mum will not be capable. She’s looking for a happy hacker that never ever spooks or does anything a horse would do...so kind of rare. I don’t know why she thinks the loan horse is perfect for her as she’s never even ridden her but I feel that she would benefit from more lessons and working around the horses more so that she could gain confidence and actually learn to ride, however she’s convinced she knows all she needs to know. We have a companion lined up- a colleagues polo horse which I will be exercising so I wouldn’t have time with college and 2 competition horses to exercise to exercise another one because my mum wouldn’t be capable. I think she underestimates the exercise and level of skill needed to ride the loan horse but I don’t know how to get that across without being cheeky.

 

[scopeybay98]

The thing with parents, is sometimes you've just got to let them make their own mistakes ?‍??

Seriously, you're right, your mum has got caught up in the romance of thus amazing new property, and she had temporarily lost her mind. But I don't think many people hold teenagers responsible fo their parents actions.

On another note- keeping a horse at home by yourself is really different to being on a yard. If you have a bad experience, or lose some confidence, it's much harder to get it back. I would go for a horse a couple if notches below what you're really capable if riding, if that makes any sense? And it will defo need a companion, and actually something semi retired that your mum could hack on might work well.

I wish I had the budget to buy 2!! I’m looking for a forever h

I’d be having a quiet confidential word with the owner to let her know that you love part loaning her amazing horse, but are planning buying your own soon. Meanwhile your mother, who can’t ride is on about offering to full loan the horse for herself even tho she can’t ride (I’d get this into the conversation as many times as you can!)

Your mum is being unreasonable, of course. Who would end up doing all the hard work (turn out, feed, muck out etc)? You will of need a companion for your new horse.

we’ve got a companion lined up but ovc my mum could always get her own horse when the time is right. I think she just loves the temperament of the loan horse so is convinced it’s the only horse for her.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

we’ve got a companion lined up but ovc my mum could always get her own horse when the time is right. I think she just loves the temperament of the loan horse so is convinced it’s the only horse for her.

But if the owner isn’t interested, (quietly persuaded by you) then it’s a no go, isn’t it?

 

[scopeybay98]

But if the owner isn’t interested, (quietly persuaded by you) then it’s a no go, isn’t it?

Yes definitely! I just don’t want the owner to think we’re entitled or cheeky.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

Yes definitely! I just don’t want the owner to think we’re entitled or cheeky.

Just give her the heads up about your mum’s crazy plan.

 

[GSD Woman]

Wow, you are between a rock and a hard place. If you can give the loan horse owner a heads up that your mother has taken temporary leave of her senses and you don't want her to think that you're being pushy.

 

[windand rain]

I think it is best left to the owner she shouldn't take what mum says out on you. It is all a bit irrelevant as the horse is staying put and the owner is unlikely to change her mind. However if the owner asks your opinion you are entitled to politely point out you families lack of experience but dont go in and be disloyal to you mum you will only create problems at home. No parent likes a pushy teen laying down the law thinking they know better (sometimes they do) and it sounds like you need to take a step back and let mum and owner discuss it without interfering unless you are asked