Random but really need advice!!!!

[Ownedby4horses]

^^^^This.

Have you explained to your parents that you have concerns about your mum’s safety? If it was me, I would quietly explain that you’re worried for your mum’s safety, while the cob might look easy to ride, she can have her moments (as all can) and you want to make sure mum is safe.

It’s a non starter anyway as you’ve said the owner won’t let the cob move yards anyway, so it’s not going to happen (Stop worrying about it damaging the relationship as it’s your parents, not you, that will be asking, your relationship will remain intact as you’ll be liked for you).

Perhaps suggest to mum that you look together for a new loan horse, that you’d feel happier with her riding and you could excitedly suggest you have a few fun lessons together (the key here is to get her to learn some key areas like how to stop properly etc).

It sounds to me like your argument with your parents is falling on deaf ears as they are you are perhaps not explaining from the outset what your worries are (hence them saying “it’s not about you, it’s about mum”. Trying to be tactful with parents especially can be tricky at times (I’m almost 50 and there are still moments where you need to plan the conversation if it’s going to be sensitive, so it’s doesn’t change - you’re always a child in your parents eyes!

Tell her you‘re excited but let’s do it right mum from the start, so you’re safe!

Oh and don‘t go to the owner and discuss, your parents have asked you not to and don’t rely on someone else keeping your confidence. It is most likely to come out that you have spoken to the owner and then you will definitely lose more credibility in your ”arguement”.

 

[Squeak]

It is a really awkward situation but I think it's probably one that you wont even remember in a couple of months.

Firstly I wouldn't go against your parents and talk to the owner - that would have far longer consequences for you than people at the yard thinking you're entitled. If the owner and yard takes offence then that's their problem, you'll have your own horse and place in the summer and may not see very much of yard and owner anyway.

Tbh I'd have loved having my mother able to ride and hack with me and share some of the chores of the horses so I wouldn't put her off. Hopefully she'll end up with a more suitable horse due to the owner saying no and at that point you can excitedly swoop in with a list of more suitable horses and you can both enjoy the horse search.

 

[Annagain]

I'm Welsh and there's a great saying in Welsh which translates as "don't go ahead of worry", which basically means don't fret about things that may never happen. Between about 14 and 17 I was mortally embarrassed by most things my parents did and hated being seen with them in public. If I thought my mum (who rode as a child) was going to take on my loan horse at that age I would have been mortified too and convinced she was just doing it to embarrass me. But now, 20+ years on I see friends ride out with their teenagers and feel a pang of jealousy that I didn't share that with my mum. Even if your mum does come across as entitled, I'm sure you loan horse's owner knows you well enough to know you're not the same or she wouldn't let you share her horse. Even if she is offended by your mum, it doesn't mean it will ruin your relationship with her or the yard - and if you're giving the horse up and leaving that yard anyway, you're likely to drift out of contact with them as time goes by anyway, that's just life, so it won't be the big deal you fear it to be.

Just to play devil's advocate... Let's assume for a moment that the horse's owner says yes (I doubt very much that she will). You said "I think she underestimates the exercise and level of skill needed to ride the loan horse." Is it possible that you're overestimating it? I know a mother and daughter. They bought a horse for the daughter at 16 - she was very irresponsible, entitled, flighty, over-confident and unreliable - like a lot of 16 year olds. The mother was totally non-horsey but ended up looking after the horse because her daughter wouldn't. She then decided to start riding him. She'd never ridden and he didn't appear to be an easy horse when the daughter rode. She took everything very slowly, started off hacking out quietly in helpful company, progressed onto lessons and eventually started competing locally. He's an absolute poppet for her, mainly as she never put him under pressure - the daughter would get on having not ridden for ages, attempt to drag him into an outline and jump the biggest jump she could find / build and he (understandably) would react against it. Because the mum started so slowly and never pushed him, he did it all willingly for her, and is still doing it for her at 25. Just because it's not the way you would do it, doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

 

[rara007]

You need your parents on side if you’re planning on keeping your speculative horse (alone?) at home. I’d be inclined to keep quiet and see how it pans out.

 

[Double_choc_lab]

Wouldn't the owner of the loan horse want to see your mother ride it before continuing the loan, even if it could move yard. The situation should then resolve itself when it becomes apparent that mum can't ride.

 

[Kat]

If you are really worried you could say to the owner "I think my Mum was planning to ask you if your horse could move to our new house, I understand that you don't want him to move and won't be offended or upset however you respond. I enjoy the current arrangements and wouldn't want to risk any awkwardness so I wanted to give you the heads up but please don't let on to anyone else, including my parents that I have said anything"


Don't paint it as a negative or give anymore information just make it clear you are happy and want to preserve the relationship.

 

[scopeybay98]

I'm Welsh and there's a great saying in Welsh which translates as "don't go ahead of worry", which basically means don't fret about things that may never happen. Between about 14 and 17 I was mortally embarrassed by most things my parents did and hated being seen with them in public. If I thought my mum (who rode as a child) was going to take on my loan horse at that age I would have been mortified too and convinced she was just doing it to embarrass me. But now, 20+ years on I see friends ride out with their teenagers and feel a pang of jealousy that I didn't share that with my mum. Even if your mum does come across as entitled, I'm sure you loan horse's owner knows you well enough to know you're not the same or she wouldn't let you share her horse. Even if she is offended by your mum, it doesn't mean it will ruin your relationship with her or the yard - and if you're giving the horse up and leaving that yard anyway, you're likely to drift out of contact with them as time goes by anyway, that's just life, so it won't be the big deal you fear it to be.

Just to play devil's advocate... Let's assume for a moment that the horse's owner says yes (I doubt very much that she will). You said "I think she underestimates the exercise and level of skill needed to ride the loan horse." Is it possible that you're overestimating it? I know a mother and daughter. They bought a horse for the daughter at 16 - she was very irresponsible, entitled, flighty, over-confident and unreliable - like a lot of 16 year olds. The mother was totally non-horsey but ended up looking after the horse because her daughter wouldn't. She then decided to start riding him. She'd never ridden and he didn't appear to be an easy horse when the daughter rode. She took everything very slowly, started off hacking out quietly in helpful company, progressed onto lessons and eventually started competing locally. He's an absolute poppet for her, mainly as she never put him under pressure - the daughter would get on having not ridden for ages, attempt to drag him into an outline and jump the biggest jump she could find / build and he (understandably) would react against it. Because the mum started so slowly and never pushed him, he did it all willingly for her, and is still doing it for her at 25. Just because it's not the way you would do it, doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

I’d love for my mum to be able to ride with me and that’s the goal! Just don’t want her to lose confidence due to an unsuitable horse.

 

[scopeybay98]

You need your parents on side if you’re planning on keeping your speculative horse (alone?) at home. I’d be inclined to keep quiet and see how it pans out.

We have a companion lined up so no mine won’t be kept alone.

 

[scopeybay98]

Spoke to my mum and convinced her that the loan horse is best left in the yard in Wolverhampton. Decided to bite to bullet and just be honest. She took it very well and has owned up to her need for lessons. I assured her that there’s nothing wrong with starting from the basics and we’ve decided that we’ll do lessons together to make it into something fun. Also decided that once she’s ready we’ll look into a full loan/horse of her own. This was a quick fix so thank you all for your advice. I know it probably seemed superficial but I’m a worrier, it’s what I do and it had been stressing me out for ages. Many thanks!

 

[Ownedby4horses]

Good for you OP, so pleased to hear you’ve got it resolved, it must be a big weight off your mind. I hope you and mum have great fun together. ?