Scared of my own horse

[Circe2]

I’m posting this one with a really heavy heart (and plenty of humiliation), so please be gentle with me.

I bought a lovely and safe horse from a family friend. He’s a bit grumpy in his stable (nothing frightening, just not super cuddly or anything), but otherwise lovely, if a bit lazy to ride, hacks well etc. Literally the furthest thing from a “problem horse” possible. I’ve been riding my whole life, but he’s my first horse as an adult (had one as a child, stopped riding after university, picked it up again now I can afford it). I had a loan horse for a year before I got him, that I really gelled with and made an offer on - however, the owner declined, and as I wanted my own, I bought my boy instead. I know his whole history, still in touch with the breeder etc. What I’m trying to say is, there’s nothing wrong with the horse.

Now this year has been full of setbacks. I had a bad riding accident a year or so ago (different horse), which meant I couldn’t ride or walk for months. Then lockdown happened. Horse was turned out for months. When I finally got back on, I was mentally ok with it, although I felt very vulnerable with my injury being exposed/being high off the ground again. I moved the horse to be near me - he settled in ok at the new yard, and although everyone is lovely, everyone also rides really well and seem to have great relationships with their horses (or I’m just talking myself down?).

Because of the whole pause (lockdown+recovery) I felt like I was still getting to know my horse, plus learning to ride again, plus making sure I wasn’t getting overly anxious about both of these things in a new place, surrounded by new people, with strict covid rules in place. I felt extremely insecure, so insecure I started only riding in the evenings and in the indoor school as to not embarrass myself in front of anyone else.

Things were going really well - I was getting confident, having weekly lessons with a brilliant and very kind instructor, I felt like my horse and I were getting comfortable with one another. My injury is still painful, but it was starting to get less painful. Then lockdown happened again, my lessons were suspended, and it also got really cold. Arthritic pain set in, I could only spend limited time with my horse because of covid rules, and I was anxious about not having my regular lessons.

Then disaster struck. A month ago or so, at the very start of the new lockdown, we were hacking out with a friend and my horse got attacked and then chased around a field by a dog off the leash. The first loop round the field I managed to control the bolt and calm him down; but then my horse bolted again, thinking he was being chased a second time. He threw me off with a string of violent bucks, and ran all the way home. I was beside myself, bruised and concussed (I also filed a police report later, with the help of witnesses).

Because of the concussion I couldn’t ride for a week (a friend of mine rode my horse, and did an amazing job). I made myself start riding 5 days a week, as usual, again after that. Things did not go well - I was really tense, so my horse got really tense. It was soul destroying riding session after session like that, with no possible help by lessons, and being ogled by other people riding brilliantly. I almost became convinced I should just avoid the stables altogether and ask my competent friend to ride my horse instead, as I felt that I was ‘ruining him’.

Since lockdown lifted I’ve had one lesson, where I almost started sobbing in front of my instructor. She noticed that I’m so tense it’s blocking my horse - anytime he speeds up, even if I ask for it, I immediately tense up - so badly that I’ve stopped cantering altogether (instead he gets tense and barges on in a wild trot). When my friend rides, he canters absolutely fine, slow and measured. With me it’s chaos.

We’ve done some homework and at least the walk and trot are ok now (I’ve started relaxing, he’s now falling into his normal comfy outline etc). But I just don’t dare to canter. I cantered in my lesson and it went perfectly fine, but I’m too scared to initiate it - so my instructor has said I can hold off until our next session, if it makes me feel safer that way.

I’ve also started getting nervous around my horse on the ground, having paranoid thoughts about his perfectly normal stable grumpiness (‘he doesn’t like me’, ‘he’s going to spook at that gate’, ‘he’s going to kick me if I walk around him’, ‘the rug’s going to slip off and he’s going to knock me over’). It’s totally crazy as my horse has never done any of those things before.

I feel better now having vented just how ridiculous this whole thing is getting. In a way I probably just wanted to see if others have struggled in the same way, and find out if it resolved itself (or how they resolved it). I love my horse, and riding, and my friends at the yard (only social life I have during covid) and don’t want to sacrifice it because of this irrational fear/insecurity. But my irrational fear/insecurity is telling me I should hide in bed and never go to the yard again.

Help?

 

[Marigold4]

No, you are not being ridiculous at all. I think I would be tempted to sell or loan though and start riding again when you feel up to it. Horses are expensive and hard work and if you are feeling like this, then I would stop. You shouldn't have to make yourself ride. Take a break. Ride some smaller, more ploddy horses and see if your confidence comes back. Let your injury heal properly and go from there. Maybe find somewhere else to keep a horse where you don't feel so much pressure from others.

 

[twiggy2]

If your happy in walk and trot and the horse is settling for you (showing you are making progress) then stick with that, don't be so hard on yourself, do what you enjoy and in time you may be happy to do more if not so be it.
I would suggest you speak to your doctors about some help with gaining your confidence back in general, it sounds like the injuries you suffered in your accident and more than just physical and you need some help getting back on track in general.
Pm if you feel the need to chat to someone.
I used to teach and have taught a few people who suffered with nerves and anxiety around riding anf a an instructor you have to balance encouragement with pushing, as the person having the lesson you need to speak up when you really feel that too much pressure is being applied, speak to your instructor and say you are not going to canter for the next 6 months and you want to concentrate on a, b and c, so balance, rhythm and straightness for example or maybe controlling impulsive and power in time when you feel safe to do so as it will lead into a feeling of being in control.

 

[blodwyn1]

I am in a very similar place after a serious riding accident last year. I had started riding again but only on a lead rein. I then stopped for the first lockdown and when I tried again still on a lead rein I was paralyzed with fear. I own my own stables and have two retired mares so even if I sold the younger one I would still have horsecars to do. ATM I employ help and my instructor schools my pony twice a week. I don't think I will get back to full strength or be able to ride independently again but I do still love my ponies. I still get on every week and get led out into the woods for a walk as I am now so disabled I can't walk that far so I still get a small pleasure from it all.

 

[Meowy Catkin]

Confidence is very fragile and it shatters quickly. It is then very slow and hard to put it together again.

I find that if you want to keep going with horses, you need to start building up good successful experiences. If he's on livery and is cared for, just start small, maybe just feeding him a carrot and giving him a pat. If that goes well a few times, do a tiny bit more. Maybe tie him up and groom plus a carrot. Tiny, tiny, baby steps that tot up a string of 'successes'. It is by building up memories of things going right, that you can drown out the memories of fear and things going wrong.

 

[MissTyc]

Big hugs to you!

I used to work with clients that were in the same place as you. It's OK to be scared and it's fantastic that you're writing about it and reflecting on it.

Is your current instructor the right person to help you?

I don't work in confidence coaching any more, but my friend's 15yo daughter recently had a scare on her 4yo, so I've agreed to help them out once a week as a favour. That's the only time in the week the daughter rides. The rest of the time she does groundwork that I have set her. So far, she tells me she doesn't feel like riding in between but has started to look forward to her lessons, which is a super progress. All lessons are out on hacks so we're just the two of us,. alone. I bring my super horse as a steady second. We haven't left the walk in the 4 weeks since we started, but have talked so much and laughed and cried (and also done flexions and leg yields and halts and turns on the forehand and quarters); this morning she asked if we could trot next time - she's finally ready to take that step and it's on her terms. If she doesn't feel like it next week, no matter, but my gut feeling is that I set it up so she wants that trot. I think she'll soon start riding between her lessons too ... Confidence is very easy to lose; very hard to build up.

I bet you the "amazing riders" on your yard have their own share of fears and problems. Ignore them. Or get to know them and search for shared experiences or emotions.

Mostly important - you can do this! You're already doing this!

 

[doodle]

As said above, teeny tiny steps. You don’t have to canter. You don’t even have to trot. Keep going with lessons if you want but again you don’t have to. Get on and walk a circle or lap or a few steps and get off and congratulate yourself on that. And either acknowledge nothing bad happened or horse got tense/had a spook whatever but nothing bad happened and all is good. You don’t have to ride 5 days a week. If your friend is happy to ride him then let her continue so horse is getting a bit of work and you can hopefully see that all is going well and that can give you confidence too.

I understand not wanting to ride in front of people. I wouldn’t ride if anyone there. Now I don’t care so much apart from one person who has been nasty to me. But I’m pretty sure they are not watching and critical of you, they are probably thinking about what to make for tea!

So little steps. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.

 

[PurBee]

It’s understandable after all the set backs youve written about to land you in a zone of feeling insecure and tense.

You’ve had many ‘episodes’ happen that were not nice experiences, completely out of your control, your first injury, new horse, being turned down your other horse, move to new yard, new people, dog attack, it’s not something easily to just brush off and still feel confident when they come in thick and fast like they have for you.

Your negative thinking loops are self-protective in a way because your mind is trying to prepare for the ‘next bad thing’ to happen, and because you've had recent experience of them happening out of the blue, your mind is trying to ‘prepare for danger’, because no-one, absolutely no-one, likes being out of control. Your mind therefore is trying to spot potential dangers before they happen. It’s normal and understandable.

Remedy the negative thinking to slowly gain back confidence. Do this by realising that, whatever happens you’re willing and able to deal with the event. Even if you fall off, it doesnt matter, you brought you boy under control from a bolt, yet we’re talking about a very unusual incident, a dog attacking a horse. Whether good or bad rider, these exceptional circumstances with 500kg flight animal, experience is irrelevent, it will go as it will go and all anyone can do is try their best to calm a situation. Be fine with your horse bolting off to the horizon, be fine with the possibility of falling off again. I’m not saying dance for joy about these things!....what im really saying is that if we have in our minds absolute fear of something ‘bad’ happening, its that state of tenseness and anxiety which can illicit the very things to happen we dont want to happen. So to neutralise the anxiety about ‘worst case scenario’, releases the tension.

Whenever negative thinking takes hold, switch your thought to your goals and what you’re able to do, good at etc. Completely turn around negative thinking by noticing it, stopping it, and focus on thoughts opposite to the negative ones. Its hard to do at first. I know this myself. Yet, with persistence it works.
I tell myself, ohhh this could be tricky, x, y,z could happen”. - i stop that track of thinking and instead visualise the best scenario in my minds eye...and think instead “ this session is going to be great learning and will give me and my horse more confidence”. This active thought change will ‘over-write’ negative thought patterns and habits.

I’ve done this myself, it works with persistence. When i realised i was instilling tenseness into my horse, i ‘tested’ how reversing my attitude to positivity, helped tremendously.
Depending on how long the lack of confidence has been felt depends on how long and easy recovery takes. Once i ‘broke’ the usual negative thought loops, despite it being a long issue for me, i noticed a change in my horse.

When we lack confidence we think of what we DON’T want to happen, and to break that pattern of thinking we have to re-instate thoughts of what we DO want to happen.
Focus the mind on what you want, rather than what you don’t want.
When we have confidence our mindset is naturally focused on positive goals, achievements we have etc. It makes sense when confidence tumbles the mind traverses the negative states.
Our minds are like horses - trainable. Negative life events train the mind to be alert, anxious. Instil positive mental/visual goals once more to turn the mindset around and confidence is the natural bi-product of that mindset.

Start thinking about what goals you want to achieve with your boy. Embrace thoughts of how tolerant he is...how sweet he can be. Spend time on the ground with him, now its cold and your physically suffering more, dont force yourself to ride, just be with him on the ground. Do some lunging with him, grooms, liberty training in a closed enclosure....play with him and forget riding Him. You’ll both benefit from the no stress/expectation time together. He’ll learn to be less stressed by your stress too, and you’ll find there’s more trust built, more confidence, less stress and tenseness.
In the meantime, ride other horses if you feel you want to, allow your friend to ride him to keep him fit. Take the pressure off.

As horse people, we know its possible for anyone to be going through a rough patch with their horse, and confidence falls. Im sure the new folk at your yard are not as critical as you’re thinking they are. You’re projecting your insecurity because your judging yourself, so its natural you’ll think others are judging you too, but 9/10 they never are.

Take small steps - youve had 2 falls this year and are still suffering physically from one. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal too. spoil yourself with self-care....whatever you love. I find animal lovers give a lot of themselves out to others and rarely give it to themselves.
The expectations we place on ourselves can debilitate us further....wind back the pressure you’re putting on yourself.
Its wonderful you have a friend to ride your horse...what a mercy that is!

The adage “whatever you’re going through in life, you have the tools and resources to cope with it, even if you may think you don’t - we’re never given more than we can handle, despite it feeling like too much”

When you’re a few months from now and have made steps of progress you’ll realise the above is true. These things test us hugely...especially horses!...but they’re never insurmountable.

Big warm hugs for you on this chilly day!
Keep reaching out on here, there’s so much experience in all the members...such great support.

 

[soloequestrian]

Some lovely replies here. Totally sympathise with you - I've not had anything nearly as nasty happen to me but still struggle with confidence sometimes. Recently I've been mixing up my riding a little - lunge horse, ride for a bit walk and trot, lunge in canter, stop or get back on and do a bit more. It's helped me relax a bit - I'm looking to teach the horse to go up into canter from a short balanced trot rather than from a long excitable one, so I do still feel like I'm schooling but without the fear factor. Maybe think about doing something similar - a groundwork session where you just ride for a couple of minutes in walk. Maybe incorporate some trick training, look into clicker training which would make it more fun for you both and you might be able to use to help with the grumpy stable behaviour.

 

[Circe2]

Thank you all so much for your brilliant, helpful and really kind responses - I’m genuinely getting a bit teary reading them. I’ve always thought the community here is super, but I didn’t quite realise how supportive everyone is. Thank you so, so much. I’ll respond at greater length later on (as I’m just heading to the yard!), but I do really want to take my time responding to and thanking you all individually, as these comments are just really in depth and clearly took both time and empathy. It really means so much!

 

[sport horse]

Could you be brave enough to confide your fears to the people in your yard? I am sure that if they understood yourproblems and your past injuries they would surely help you to get going again. You will do this xx

 

[DabDab]

Hugs, you've been really unfortunate xx

Lots of lovely, helpful replies above. You can get back to being confident again, just lots of small steps. First you need to put the load down, like you have in your OP, so that you can stop beating yourself up, because a loss of confidence in your circumstances is totally understandable. Then you need a simple plan, just doing something little with him a few days a week - a groom, a little in hand work, a sit on and walk exercises etc., and then see where it goes.

Xxx

 

[paddi22]

the accident you had sounded extremely traumatic for both you and the horse. don't go hard on yourself. I had a horrific accident years ago and I had a kind of PTSD from it for ages after. it's a totally natural reaction the way you are feeling. my counsellor explained it to me as the fear part of your brain trying to keep you safe now, that's why you are questioning everything. the only way to get over it is to take all pressure off yourself and just try and enjoy your horse again. give riding a break for a while until you really have a genuine urge to get back on (instead of just feeling pressurised). in the meantime learn something like massage or inland work. no-one will bat an eye if you say your arthritis is bad so you are just doing something else. just go at your own pace. and when you get back riding don't try and push yourself through the block. if you get on and walk 20 metres and dismount, that's still a win if you are doing it comfortably.

 

[Quigleyandme]

Nothing constructive to add to the responses above. I just wanted to send you my support X

 

[Season’s Bleatings]

You have had a rough time of it. Be kind to yourself.
I’ve only skim read the other responses so forgive me if I am repeating what others have said already, and also if I am way out of line. To me it sounds a wee bit like you have developed real anxiety about riding, maybe a slightly separate issue to a loss of confidence. The way you describe feeling really echoes with me, but not around riding, around a different work related issue I had a few months ago.
That said, I think the solution is probably the same as it would be with a crisis of confidence. To me though the anxiety element totally clouds our logical thought processes and makes it a little bit more difficult to tackle.
I’d echo what others have said. Continue with your lessons, maybe have a heart to heart with your instructor and set some tiny milestones and goals. Feeling a sense of achievement will give you back a feeling of control. Confide in your horsey friends. They will want to support and help you. And finally, please please do be kind to yourself. By recognising the issues, you are already on a positive pathway to resolving it. Progress won’t always be linear, but if you do set some little goals, you will be able to reflect on these when times are tough. X

 

[maya2008]

You need some canter lessons on another horse and then a buddy when you start up again on yours - could your friend hack out with you? Is there a local RS where you could have a couple of canter lessons on something super steady? Your brain is screaming that canter is dangerous because you fell off and hurt yourself. Best to get past that on something that won't react even if you are panic stricken with fear! Then once you know you can do it, it'll be easier to do it on your own horse. If you were my friend, I'd take you out on the lead if necessary for that first canter in the open. Not because you can't ride, but because it would give you confidence. Then once you know you can stop when you need to, you'll be fine on your own. I do have a reliable gelding I can lead anything from though!

I would also add that someone needs to give your horse his confidence back around dogs before you take him out though.

 

[Mrsfarmer]

I’m so sorry your feeling this way, you haven’t exactly had it easy and it’s understandable you feel this way. After I had my son I noticed my anxiety went up when riding and I honestly think it’s our natural instinct to become more careful than we were before. Before I would ride anything and now not so much and it’s not just because “I’m a Mum now” it’s because I simply don’t want to get hurt.
If I were in your position I would go right back to basics. Don’t worry about pushing yourself, spend sometime at the stables with your horse even just on the ground or lunging him. Try and rebuild the relationship and confidence from the start again. Ask a friend to continue riding him if possible while you also do your own thing with him. If your up to it, jump on and go for a quiet walk around, quiet trot and leave it at that until your ready to push it further. Eventually you’ll find yourself back Where you wanted to be. Don’t push yourself into something that makes you anxious and in turns makes him anxious. If you have time, take it slowly.

 

[Red-1]

Some wonderful responses. My extra - leave it until summer. Warm balmy days mean relaxed horses that feel oh so different than they do in winter.

 

[ozpoz]

I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been said but recognising a perfectly normal reaction to a horrifying incident is the first step forward. Take your time and enjoy your horse. Thank goodness you are both still around to recover.

 

[Lydia700]

You have had so much lovely and sound advice which i don't wish to distract from. I have recently been exploring Liberty training with horses which emphasises the bond with horse and rider and the need to connect before backing a horse. So different to BHS teachings. It may be interesting to check some YouTube videos out. Taking the pressure off your riding and performance anxieties around this and just spending time pampering your horse may be another way to proceed atm. It will also give your body and emotions time to recover.

 

[laura_nash]

There have been so many good responses.

I just wanted to add that when I had some similar confidence issues (with far less justification!) I was helped considerably by a short course of hypnotherapy. The hypnotherapy wasn't actually for riding nerves, but a different fear altogether. The basic principles of being able to relax and control the physical response to fear, as well as understand why the mind starts throwing up all these worse-case scenario and how to deal with them, applied equally to riding though and had a huge benefit which I hadn't at all expected.

 

[EllenJay]

Everyone suffers from a confidence crisis, and to get over it you need to take your own time.

This is a true story. One of my instructors was competing at BD Grand Prix level, she was a brilliant rider, and would get on anything. One day she was hacking her horse, who threw a paddy, she came off and sustained a nasty injury, which kept her off riding for 6 months.
When she got back on board, she rode like a beginner - she was so scared. She asked me for help. So, weekends, I used to back out with her. Me on my 14.2 Welshie, her on her 17.0 dressage horse. Me riding on a loose rein - whilst leading her. We walked for hours, the first hack was a 20 minutes walk round-the-block. We progressed to her having the lead rein around her horses neck, so I could grab it if necessary (it never was). We progressed to adding a bit of trot. One day I suggested we needed to try a canter. She was petrified! So we selected a ride where the first canter was a long uphill. It all went well. We had a number of canters, she was smiling - and she is back competing at a level I have no hope of ever achieving.

All the "brilliant" riders at your yard will all have their own demons. Take the pressure off, ask for help, and enjoy your horse. If you only ever walk, that's fine.

 

[Circe2]

Update: So this evening.. didn’t go particularly well.

I was feeling a bit more confident on my way to the yard (having talked myself into facing my fears, as our last session was really good, albeit only in walk and trot). Told myself there was nothing to be frightened of.

Then I found out he hadn’t been turned out today because of the weather. That chipped at my confidence a bit, but I tried to stay optimistic. I went in his box and then everything turned sour rather fast. He was restless and grumpy, waiting for his new hay net to arrive. I took his rug off and he kept moving about. I went and got a brush to brush him down, and he got irritated with me brushing his neck. I went to brush his bum and he lifted his hind leg high, properly threatening.

At that point something in me just snapped. I started sobbing and went and hid in my tack room, feeling physically sick. Everything in me was screaming that I should leave, that if I got on him something bad would happen etc. So I literally just walked out and went home, crying the whole journey. I messaged my friend to ask if she could ride him, as I just couldn’t get myself to do it.

When I got home I couldn’t stop crying - my partner put me to bed, I was shaking, got sick, stomach was upset, nausea and a splitting headache. I’ve had some ibuprofen but the tension feels like I’ve swallowed a brick.

I spoke to my partner’s mother (we’re close) on the phone, and she advised me to have my friend ride him tomorrow, then have two lessons next week (Monday + Thursday) and bring my partner with me when I’m there if covid restrictions allow, as I psychologically really struggle to be there alone and the paranoid thoughts just consume me. She also recommended me a sports psychologist her friend used after an ugly fall.

I feel guilty but also relieved not having ridden this evening. I feel like the first step is removing the guilt I feel around taking any time out of exercising my boy 5 days a week. I’ve put myself under a huge amount of pressure and I need to accept that it’s ok to let things slip a bit over the winter, as long as my horse is having a decent time. I’ve also decided to take him down to forage/chaff/supplement only, just for my peace of mind (he’s a good doer, and can always have more hay).

What I’ve realised from these responses is that I’ve been pressing on far too hard, and that other people - with less reason for this level of paranoia - have been a lot kinder and more patient with themselves in similar situations. It’s genuinely filled me with awe to understand that it’s ok, that there’s a different way to go about things. It sounds so stupid writing this, as it’s clearly really obvious. I’ve been beating myself up so much about not being “over it”, about not cantering, about being a wuss, that I’ve completely missed the wood for the trees.

 

[TPO]

Some excellent advice already on this thread.

Your partner's mum's advice is good too. I think a sport psychologist is a very good idea and even better if you have a personal recommendation.

On that same ilk there are some good books on that subject like The Chimp Paradox, Brain training for Riders and Transfor Pressure to Power (this is eventing focused but can still be applied to every day horse stuff).

I also second the suggestion to tell the people on your yard that you are struggling. You've had so much happen and 2020 had been hard in one way or another for just about everyone.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Telling friends from the yard what's going on will be a weight off your mind and one less thing to be worrying yourself about while riding.

You'll probably find that most people have their own tales of incidents that shook their confidence. Most people will have had a wobble at one time or another over the years. If they know they'll be able to offer support and help.

The plan to have someone with you is a good idea too. Everything is less scary when you've got someone there.

You've been through a lot. How you are feeling is perfectly understandable. Please treat yourself how you would treat anyone else who has been through what you have and is feeling how you feel. Take care of yourself

 

[Boulty]

Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with in a short space of time & sounds like your brain is quite rightly struggling to cope / a bit overwhelmed by it all at the moment.

Would highly reccomend ringing your GP to discuss how you're feeling as they should be able to point you in the direction of resources to help you control the feelings you're having a little better. I started having panic attacks related to work & the general covid situation back in March & did some of the online talking therapy stuff / mindfulness / breathing exercises as well as regular contact with my GP which along with coming off the night rota helped a lot. The sports psychologist also sounds like a really good idea. Would also agree with taking the pressure off yourself to do X,Y&Z. I can assure you the other horses & owners at the yard will have had / be having their own struggles & most of them won't think any less of you for feeling the way you do at the moment. (There's always one or two small minded idiots but please for the sake of your sanity ignore them).

Maybe forget about riding for a few weeks until you've spoken to GP / Sports Psychologist & started to formulate a plan with them esp if your friend is able to keep him ticking over. I'd also say (from past experience with a horse who wasn't always the most amenable to deal with in the stable) do what you need to do to make your life as easy as possible. If he's hangry & fidgeting then get him a bit of hay to distract him, if he won't stand still loose then tie him up. It doesn't make you any worse of an owner if you can't brush him loose in the stable, just means he's not one of those horses who particularly likes being brushed (The orange one used to turn his arse on me on a regular basis when loose in the stable when I first got him... this was especially fun when he was on boxrest & went around booting the walls in anger! He was a completely different horse with a headcollar on, well sort of anyway! I could eventually normally brush him without tying him up but it took years & I still had the odd day when I had to... Fergs who I got as a 3 yr old is putty in your hands if you have a nice scratchy brush in your hand, they're all different!) I'd also say when you DO feel better about riding again maybe start just getting on with your instructor there if she helps you feel more confident & don't set a day by which you think you need to be doing stuff on your own, just see when you feel ready

 

[Circe2]

I just wanted to say again, that I am so enormously grateful for all these responses, the advice and just the general support. I’ve gone through all the comments and made a list of all the suggestions (plus ones from my partner’s mum, plus ones from my partner). Please keep adding any more suggestions to the list, as they’re extremely welcome.

Mental health:

• Speak to my GP
• Speak to a therapist / sports psychologist (recommended)
• Read up on anxiety management and possibly PTSD
• Look into hypnotherapy
• Look into mindfulness and breathing exercises
• Keep in mind that other people aren’t watching/don’t judge
• Accept possibility of not always being in control
• Accept that it was a rare incident and simply bad luck - not a “sign”
• Tell people at the yard in order to take the pressure off
• Pamper self / self care
• Be kind and forgiving to myself - how would I treat a friend in a similar situation?
• Stop having expectations and putting pressure on myself
• Know that my reaction is normal
• Look into the books: The Chimp Paradox, Brain Training for Riders, Transform Pressure to Power

Riding / Training:

• Continue weekly (or more) lessons
• Friend/sharer to initially ride a few times a week, I can ride less (1-2 times, including lessons)
• Ask friend/sharer to hack horse
• If I want to, take a few days/weeks break from riding or going to yard
• Only walk or walk/trot in my sessions - canter can take place in lessons until I’m comfortable
• Bring my partner along to the yard so I don’t have to get ready alone
• Ask partner to lead/hold if I’m anxious
• Tie up/put on head collar when getting ready - or ensure he has hay to distract
• Build up and tally each successful experience, however small
• Don’t push myself outside of my comfort zone until ready
• Small steps - carrot over stable door, grooming, in-hand work
• Free schooling/lunging
• Look into clicker training
• Speak to instructor in depth about situation and set small milestones and goals
• Positive mindset when riding - think about what I can do/want to do, not what I can’t/don’t want to happen
• Plan my sessions - think and research fun small exercises in walk and trot that are easy to achieve and keep horse interested
• If I don’t want to ride and anyone asks, say my injury is flaring up
• Look into canter lessons on a school horse or on the lunge
• Ask friend to reintroduce my horse to her dog, to make sure that fear won’t linger
• Potentially leave anything I find difficult or outside my comfort zone until the summer, when horse not so sharp
• Decrease hard food or go forage-only
• Look into Liberty training, massage, Tellington TTouch
• Bond after sessions when horse is relaxed (scratches)
• Once more confident, hack with friend on lead rein at a walk or walk/trot

Physical care

• Get a heated pad for injury to avoid arthritic pain on colder days
• Sheepskin soles/thermals etc to generally stay warm
• Rest injury - if it hurts, don’t ride
• Do daily physio exercises

Thank you all so enormously much

 

[Red-1]

I am not sating that this is right for you, and this is the reason that I only did a small moment above, but this is my own personal experience...

I used to compete over huge fences too. I took early retirement I 2014 to do more and bigger competitions. Then... My horse became a wobbler and I 'wasted' 2 years with him retired (it didn't feel at all wasted at the time, I worshipped that horse and he could have lived here in retirement forever, but his symptoms got worse).

I then had a couple of false starts with horses.

Finally I found my last horse, a lovely young sports horse, 2018. All dreams were back on. She was ace. Then, mum had a fall that caused her huge problems, and I have, for 2 years, been all consumed with that. I did fall from my horse 3 times in 2 1/2 years, but only bruises. But, I no longer wanted to ride her. I simply felt that I didn't have the necessary ingredients. I was stressed elsewhere, I was not physically as I was in 2014, not emotionally strong.

I pretty much stopped riding her over the winters, she was sharper, I had no extra resources to throw at the problem. That was OK though, we did ground work, lungeing, led out round the village and each summer I was back in the saddle, we managed hacks, lessons, dressage up to Novice, even though she was working well enough in lessons that we could do well elementary and we were riding through medium too. I got a friend/pro to jump her each year, she would do a couple of jumps at home and rock up to a BS show and the horse was very capable. I was still enjoying having her. When summer was here I would box out to beautiful places to ride, did RC camps, went to my trainer for the weekend. She was a VERY clean grey. Immaculately presented. It was fun.

This summer, mum took a turn for the worse, my emotions plummeted, I rode rubbish, I realised I was not really enjoying my horse. Horse prices were, at the time (and pretty much still are) high. I sold her. She is now doing fantastically well with a 13 year old girl, who had only competed on a pony before. They got to a late event. Nothing wrong with the horse.

In her place, I bought a medically challenged, furry faced, unfit, teenage cob. Just to have a horse to love, not even knowing if he would make a ridden horse. The stakes were low with this one! No one would ever ask if I rode, when we were competing, what my plans were.

Friends started to comment that they had never seen me smile so much. He is the horse for me, now. When life and my resilience improves, I may get a more competition type again, but he will stay. Hopefully he will make a lovely horse for friends to hack out on. I may get a sharer, or may not. It may be that this horse becomes my horse of a lifetime (although TBH I have already had a couple of those).

I tell you this tale as I wonder if this horse is not delighting you, and maybe you would prefer a different one? One who is less challenge, who doesn't scowl and raise a leg? I wonder if that would make you smile? I wondered if your priorities had changed?

When I sold the other horse and bought this one, a friend said she was jealous. She had been going with her horse for years, and didn't like to admit that she wasn't enjoying the experience. She saw me sell the sports one, but said nothing, until she saw me smiling with this one. Now, she has sold hers too, and is out looking for a new partner in crime.

There was nothing wrong with my last horse. She just wasn't what I needed at that time. ETA - my new one is actually naughtier than the sports one, it is just somehow comedic rather than anything else.

 

[ihatework]

My initial gut feel on this is that you should find livery holiday for the horse and turn him away until at least spring.

During this time work on your mental health through all the avenues you list above. Once you are in a slightly better place I think you should probably go and have some regular lessons at a riding school with a good instructor who should be told the background.

Only once you are riding a variety of school horses confidently should you bring yours back in. Have someone else ride him initially and then you start. Hopefully it will all work out, but if that deep fear returns I’d then sell him.

 

[asmp]

Loads of brilliant advice above and apologies if you do this anyway but my little bit of advice (which has helped me when my confidence dips) is to make things a safe as possible. Wear your riding hat around the yard and the field (I recently sported a lovely bruise after accidentally getting hit in the head by a horse’s head). Get an air jacket and wear sticky bum breeches - these all help me feel safer. In the past I’ve used a monkey strap on the saddle to grab onto and my latest buy is some safety stirrups.

 

[Kat]

You have had lots of good advice. What happened recently sounds like a panic attack, talk to your doctor about that, beta blockers can help. Also don't underestimate how long the effects of concussion can last, a few high level riders have spoken about this recently and recognising the effects might help you recover.

This year has been horrible for mental health, lots of people are struggling more than usual so be kind to yourself. Take the pressure off.

Can you get a sharer to help with your horse so you feel less guilty about not doing things with him?

Do talk to others on your yard, while some may not understand the majority will have had confidence issues at some point and they will be willing to provide support and encouragement.

Talk to your instructor too. Consider looking for an instructor who specialises is confidence building, some get it more than others. You need someone who can build you up gradually. Consider whether riding a steady plod at a riding school might help and whether being lunged might help.

Look into NLP with someone like Jo Cooper. Look up Centre 10 coaches as they have some good confidence building strategies.

Download the confident rider podcast and read the books mentioned above.

Try taking your horse out of his stable to do any care, some are much happier that way. But if you are really struggling there is no shame in selling and buying something quieter that suits you better when you feel like it.