Scared of my own horse

[Circe2]

Some more brilliant advice that I will be adding to the list.

On the points around selling, moving yard, and turning out completely for the winter - I’ve thought these options through, but I don’t think they’re something I would consider at this stage. I really like the yard I’m at - the staff are lovely and so are the other liveries. It’s also close to my house, and yards are rare around me - and has the best facilities around, including indoor, plus resident instructors and riding school horses. I basically think it’s my own insecurity I need to work through, and try to turn the fact that everyone there is really good into a positive thing, ie they’re all nice and helpful and I should see it as a learning opportunity (the small fish, big pond mindset). I also really like my instructor and gel well with her, and hold on to the fact that things were going really well before the dog incident and lockdown 2 struck. So I’d like to stick it out and not subject my boy to any more upheaval.

The turning out point is similar - I’m just not quite ready to admit full defeat, and would like to try spending small amounts of time with my horse and build that up, which wouldn’t be possible if he was far from me and turned out. So it makes sense to keep things as they are for now. Obviously that might change if things get any worse!

On the last point about selling him - well, this one has crossed my mind a couple of times, but I don’t think it’s the right thing to do. I was really enjoying my horse before the dog incident, and he was responding well to me - yesterday was the first time he raised a leg at me, and I’ve never come off him before the dog attack (he hasn’t bolted, or even spooked before), so I’ll put it down to hangriness and a lack of turnout. All things considered, he is a safe and good boy - much safer and better behaved than my old loan horse, who I adored, who couldn’t stand still on his spidery legs for a second be it tied up or loose. I feel that if I can’t ride my current horse, I shouldn’t be riding any horse at all - he really is that decent. I’ve also always been more uncomfortable with smaller horses/ponies (mine’s 16.2), so I feel that he’s right for me and not too much horse - it’s just that my trust isn’t quite there anymore (it was there before the dog incident) and needs to be built up again. Which is funny, as I 100% used to trust my old loan horse, who used to skip around, bolt (even in a Universal) and reverse into ditches - and had to be ridden around in circles to calm down on a hack!

To summarise, the brain really is a strange place - I’m not at all convinced that the “outside” is the problem..

 

[J&S]

From everything you have written you seem really self aware and rational. To my mind, what might help is a really steady hacking buddy. Some one who is prepared to ride out with you for even 100 yds to start with! I lost all confidence at 50 yrs old, never ever thought it could happen to me, newish mare chucked me and i got back on and rode home, but next time i got on, wow, even an ear twitch had my heart revving! A dear friend took me in hand and we walked for miles together during spring, literally step for step, interspersed with flat work lessons. By the autumn we did a 15 mile endurance ride. Take it really slow, step by step and set each experience up for success.

 

[Boulty]

Figured I'd add to some of what I'd said earlier to say that it is possible to move forwards with a horse who you've had a really bad experience with but it does take time, support & sometimes a kick up the arse / being put in a situation where you can't dance around the issue. (But not before you're ready)

The Welsh idiot bolted (as in ran through 2 other horses / part of a hedge & honestly felt like had there been a wall or a few cars in the way he'd have run into them too) down a road with me after going into a blind panic over a cow that tbh was just minding it's own business. I'd not had him very long at this point (maybe a few months?) He took off in panic with me several more times shortly afterwards & several people banned me from riding with them. (Oddly not the people I was with when he bolted) He also would not hack on his own & I stopped trying to persuade him otherwise. I more or less stopped hacking him out as it really wasn't fun anymore having a panic attack every time he jumped at something wondering if this would be one of the times he'd take off again / manically checking that routes were planned to avoid cows & I very nearly sold him. He then went lame(in hindsight I think there was a vague link to this & the trying to run away being his go to thing when scared) & we also had to move yards due to the old one closing down. I continued to mostly avoid hacking or if we did then we would only walk (although he also took off with me in the arena) & we only went out with a few select people. He ended up going away for rehab at Rockley farm to bring him sound (he relaxed a lot when at Rockley & I sorta got to see what he COULD be with ideal management) & I also found an amazing super confident friend who was also great at pushing me to do more "scary" things like letting him go in front or going for a canter in a field etc. I also HAD to sort the hacking issues as he needed to do lots of roadwork as part of his rehab plan & superfriend was only available once a week. This meant completely changing my mindset about getting off & walking rather than having a pointless unwinnable argument. It took us 20 minutes at first to walk the hundred or so metres to the bottom of the drive & back & at first he spooked at everything & there were definitely days where it seemed impossible. Somewhere in amongst all this we went away to camp with a load of other rehab horses (on paper a bloody terrible idea as we were just about trotting at this stage) with a load of people who knew about his lameness issues but not about all the other problems I'd been having & our utter lack of trust in each other. We went on a massive group hack with a load of people who I'd no idea how their horses would behave & we went in strange arenas & walked around the XC course whilst people were jumping & we didn't die! Baptism of fire & all that! It still wasn't company plain sailing from there but things did slowly get easier & although always sharp & spooky he did finish up as a semi- reliable hacking pony. There's friends to this day who think I was totally mad to keep him & persist with him & I completely get why as it was a very hard slog for a very long time & I did spend quite a lot of the time just moaning about the bad stuff.

You might ultimately decide that sticking it out with him isn't the right thing & that's also a very valid choice, just saying that the place you're in right now with him is not impossible to escape from. I have never been a very confident rider & I'm still not... Just very stubborn!

 

[Circe2]

I thought I’d add another update, as today was a weird one - positive, but also difficult. I’ve been talking to another friend for a while, about making her a permanent sharer of my horse (mainly due to obvious time constraints/worse turnout this time of year/injury making me tired), so today she came out to the yard to try my boy.

I got there a bit before she did, and walked into his box. He was happily munching his hay. Gentle as a lamb. I took off his rug, brushed him, he didn’t make a single face at me. Put on his boots, saddled up. Good as gold! My friend (new sharer) showed up - he was a bit grumpy with her, but didn’t do anything but give her the eye - we chatted as he munched away, I told her about my anxiety being around him and how weirdly nice it was to have her around. I told her about hyperventilating in the tack room and leaving the last time I was there. She was really empathetic and it made me feel so much better actually confessing my fear.

I popped the bridle on, took him to the arena, did his girth up - no problems. I’d initially said I was going to get on him first, and for a minute I was thinking maybe I’d settle for this level of success and not push it any further - anyway, in the end I thought I could push it a bit more. So I got on him, and walked around, and felt ok. Trotted a bit and he went into a lovely relaxed outline. Was chatting to my friend the whole time I was doing this, which I think kept my nerves in place. I confessed to her that when we’re alone in the school, I normally sing to him to control my breathing. She was so supportive and it felt so nice and safe to have someone there.

After a while (maybe 15-20min) it was time for her to have a go. I felt extremely out of breath - I’ve had this realisation over the last couple of days that due to the fact that I bruised and cracked some ribs in the dog incident (as well as the concussion), a lot of the pressure in my chest isn’t just anxiety - it’s bruising, which feels more pronounced the faster my heart rate gets. I’ve been feeling this sort of drawn out ache which I thought was a stress thing, but it’s definitely also a physical thing.

Anyway, my friend got on - I think my boy liked her, she’s more hunting/evening/jumping than I am (I’m a dressage person, my horse is a former show jumper) so I think they clicked quite naturally. She didn’t demand an instant frame or anything upward, and I think it put him at ease. She rode him really well in walk and trot, did some lateral work. I think she liked him. She asked me if she could have a canter, and I said of course! And sort of held my breath, hoping nothing bad would happen. I’d told her I’ve had some trouble with the transitions, but I didn’t expect her to give him a big smack on the bum to get going. He took off like a rocket, gave a massive air kick and tanked off for half the arena’s long side, but my friend sat it out really well and didn’t seem phased. I think I kind of died a little bit watching it, but she didn’t seem to mind!

I’ve decided to put the air kick down to the smack on the bum and his current lack of turnout due to the weather. However, it did cross my mind that had I been on top of him, it would’ve been another nail in the coffin of our relationship. But I’ve tried to see past that as he’s never done that with me (and I don’t normally give him big smacks on the bum!).

Anyway, it was all round a success - friend liked him, I added it as a success to my tally, all is good. But I’m still going to go ahead and decrease his hard food!

 

[Kat]

I wouldn't dwell on the air kick, it sounds like a miscommunication.

You'd told her you were having canter transition issues, she asked too strongly probably anticipating a greater issue than there is and your horse registered his displeasure.

It wouldn't have happened to you as you wouldn't have asked for canter that way and it probably won't be repeated as your friend will be more subtle next time.

It has happened to me, I rode my instructors eventer years ago, and asked for canter as I would on on the less responsive horses I was used to. He thought I was being very rude and warned me to be more gentle in future in a similar way. The next canter was much less eventful.

Don't dwell on it, it sounds as though apart from this having your friend there was very positive.

 

[Keith_Beef]

My initial gut feel on this is that you should find livery holiday for the horse and turn him away until at least spring.

During this time work on your mental health through all the avenues you list above. Once you are in a slightly better place I think you should probably go and have some regular lessons at a riding school with a good instructor who should be told the background.

Only once you are riding a variety of school horses confidently should you bring yours back in. Have someone else ride him initially and then you start. Hopefully it will all work out, but if that deep fear returns I’d then sell him.

This seems to me like good advice.

From your story, I don't think you have a bad horse, and I don't think that you are a bad rider, simply that you had a bad experience and the pair of you and your horse is the source of the tension. I think that if you could ride a different horse, you would feel less nervous, and you've already described that your horse behaves well for other riders.

I'm a novice rider and have fallen a dozen or more times since I began riding as an adult in 2013; I've not broken any bones or had concussion but I have had quite bad bruising (from the small of my back that spread down to behind the knees and took perhaps six or eight weeks to clear up) and crushed tendons (still holding my crop when I fell and trapped my thumb under the crop and my body)... but after living in this body for a shade over fifty years, and after really putting it through the mill, I know it well enough to think that you really have to be unlucky to be able to break a human body beyond repair.

I've written this before: learning how to fall should be part of learning how to ride. I don't know why it's not taught more.

 

[YorkshireLady]

You have had wonderful advice here. I just wonder if you need to ride something other than him that is very very safe to enjoy the riding and not worry about him as well...who has others have said has also had trauma.

and perhaps just hand graze him spend time with him in a calm way with no pressure to ride and see how it goes?

Then later you may feel more like you can be confident for him as well? Also if you do have to sell dont feel bad...you I am sure could find him a good home.

 

[Circe2]

So I thought I’d give another update on how things are going, mostly in case there are any curious people out there and/or anyone in a similar situation comes across this thread and wonders if things did improve.

Short answer is: I think things are getting better, though I’m aware that improvement isn’t always linear (so shouldn’t get hung up on that!).

I’ve thought about/started following a number of pieces of advice that everyone so kindly offered me.

From a mental health perspective, I’ve done a fair bit of reading about anxiety, “catastrophising” and coping mechanisms online and discussed it with my partner - I haven’t yet spoken to the sports psychologist, but I am still considering it as an option.

I’ve also made some changes to my horse’s management that have removed some of my fears/stressors - I’ve decreased his food to forage + balancer + a handful of nuts, managed to convince my yard that he should be turned out three nights a week regardless of what the weather’s like (the most they can do, but at the moment he wasn’t getting any turnout at all, as the weather’s been so bad - I had this huge fear he’d explode from lack of turnout alone). My new sharer has also been riding him twice a week and is loving him, so I’ve been riding him the day after she’s ridden (and she does a fair bit of canter work). That way it’s completely taken the pressure off me doing any fast work, and allowed me to focus on things that I am comfortable with and enjoy - sitting trot, lateral work, serpentines etc. I feel like these changes have made my horse a lot happier and less grumpy in his box - I suspect he was finding the hard food difficult as well, as he was doing runnier poos and a fair bit of farting before I took him off it.

My Christmas plans got cancelled (thanks Bojo!), which means I’ll be staying home for the time I was meant to be gone. I’m actually sort of excited to spend time with my horse without the pressure of work/hurrying to the yard to get him ready. I’ve spoken to my friend re reintroducing him to her (very well behaved) dog, which we’ll try to do. Another livery is also a clicker training coach, so we’ll do some sessions with her to see if we can lift some of that grumpiness in his stable, and also teach him turn on the forehand in-hand. So a couple of things to look forward to! That said, he’s bound to be a lot less grumpy now he’s being turned out proper-ish again.

Unfortunately tier 4 has meant my lessons have once again been suspended, but I did manage to sneak another one in before the announcement. It went really well and for the first time in weeks (since the dog incident), I felt like a competent rider and not an emotional mess. I didn’t canter, but agreed to have a canter lesson on one of the easy school horses when lessons are running again. That said, my horse has always been tricky in that transition (the stars need to align, otherwise he won’t do it), and my sharer seconded that opinion! So I already feel like much less of a fluke, and am starting to feel ready to make another attempt.

I’ve made a point to myself to be as open and honest about the issues I’m going through to the other liveries and staff as possible, and it’s taken a huge weight off my shoulders - I thought I would feel shame, but amazingly I just felt relief, and now a sort of shared sense of achievement when things go ok and anyone else is there to witness. I feel so much less judged (though i doubt they were judging in the first place). My friend/fellow livery also offered to be there at the same time as I am, just to chat/give me a hand whilst I get ready and get on/warm up, which is the time I’m the most emotionally sensitive and overthinking. I’m hugely grateful for this as I can’t catastrophise and banter at the same time!

Lastly, the other evening I was walking my horse back to his box, and it was very windy. The wind made a door slam, and my horse pulled back in a bit of a fright - and funnily enough, I didn’t melt down or let go. I just calmly held the end of the reins, spoke to him, as walked him onwards without a fuss. And he was fine - no bolt, nothing happened. And for the first time, in weeks, my mind didn’t tell me ‘hey, you could’ve died’ - it said absolutely nothing. Another day in life. And I felt confident, and sort of proud.

Long may it last!

 

[J&S]

This all sounds like good progress. Well done.

 

[TPO]

Well done, so lovely to read such a positive update.

I hope you enjoy your time over Christmas with him ?