Sexism when buying/ training a horse

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Emily T

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Ok, so this really makes me made. I’ve had more men (and women) tell me to sell my slightly wild and spirited horse because he’s “no lady’s horse”. Like, what?! No lady’s horse? I’m sorry gentlemen, but why dont you ride him? Am I jut not good enough because I’m a 5”4 thirteen year old girl and this is a 15hh, strong cob? What if I were a boy? Honestly I want to slap these men. Apparently my ability doesn’t matter. Because I’m a young “pony girl” (I’ve been called that too along with it being suggested that all Im good at is reading my little pony books and baking cupcakes with icing shaped like unicorns on them)
When I got my horse assessed I was told I should get rid of him because he’s “no little girls pony” and he’s dangerous and can’t be fixed. A few weeks later of intense training and after one of my “little stunts” (I rode him without my instructor riding him first to get the “kick out”. I only did it because my instructor was a no show!) I was told that “wow, she’s a brave one to get on THAT horse!”. My very strong horse was assessed again and I was told that it would be a long road ahead for me to be able to control my horse. I can stay on him, can’t I? And he’s the kind of horse who wants to be asked, not told, but that’s what works for me. And the farrier also chipped in last week by telling me I should let my dad ride him and buy a sweet little pony. I’m the only rider in my family and because my horse hates the farrier and bit him he’s now so dangerous that I wasn’t allowed to keep my gelding calm. But my dad was. Even women and a few friends have said he isn’t right for me because he’s too strong or wild and that I’m a girl. I get funny looks when I’m riding him and asked if I came off that lesson, was i still keeping him, would I ever sell him and so forth. And, by the way, I’m the only one who can get him to lift a foot nicely, follow me and lick me. I’m the only person in the world who he walks across a frozen field for and then walks out of the gate and waits for me to get his head collar on. He’s even stood his ground against a larger cob who bullies him for food when I’m there because he knows I’m a lot smaller. He even watches me leave the yard as I walk up this really long track which goes up to the yard. The one time he bit me in the early days and I walked off to show him that he couldn’t bite me and that I wouldn’t stay. Next thing I know my mum’s shouting “hey! Look out!” I turn around to see my horse sprinting down the lane towards me. Hey, it took him ten minutes to notice what had really happened but he never bit me again.
As I walk up the track he follows me along the gate until I get to the end and go out of sight. He loves me, and it’s clear, so let this “lady” have this horse. We might be an odd match but we are making progress. For one, if he hears me panicking if he bolts or something I can watch his ears turn towards me a listen to my voice as he stops. He knows me because I’m the only I’ve who uses a pet name for him etc. This “lady” loves her horse, so just let us be.
Sorry for the rant! Just needed to let that out!
 
I dont believe its 'sexism' - more that you are obviously a child, and people are thinking that a more experienced adult would be more able to handle what sounds like a rather bolshy, stubborn cob.
I have never come across 'sexism' in my 50 odd years of horses, more that some people suit certain horses more than others both temperamentally and physically.
 
I said on your other thread, you are 13 , you are out of your depth and you need an experienced adult to help you with this cob who has been a bolshy so and so since a few weeks after you bought him. You posted about him in the last school holidays and not again until now, during which time things have got a lot worse.

You are a child, if you are for real, do what the adults are telling you before you end up in hospital for New Year.
 
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Tend to agree with that. You are clearly quite young and slight in build. Its annoying to be patronised when you feel you are almost an adult but as a mum I do have some sympathy with the grown ups around you who warn you that your lad could potentially be dangerous to you. Not because he would necessarily intend to hurt you but because he is bigger, stronger and clearly not particularly well mannered. (The term lady's horse means well mannered - not specific to which gender can ride.) The sad fact is that if you had a well mannered smaller horse or taller pony you could be doing a great deal more than you are now. You have very little time as a junior - and as a young person - and it is great to get out and try everything to see what you want later. That is much easier on something that is more mannerly.

It is great you love your horse and you get on with him. Do think about working with him to be sure he is mannerly for everyone not just you because you are only 13. You need to be sure that he can have a home if you decide to go to Uni or, if once you are independent, you can't afford to keep him.

And enjoy your Christmas day with him today!
 
I think people are more worried for your safety than anything else. I'm 14 and had a cob with a lot of issues but once I found my instructor we could gradually work through them. But it was sheer luck I wasn't killed twice before she started training her. You need somebody who can help you with her. You're mum is probably only saying that because she is worried about you.
 
This thread, and others like it, makes me rather concerned that unhorsey parents are going out and buying unsuitable animals, possibly from slightly unscrupulous dealers who would say anything to sell a horse, for their children rather than spend the money on lessons and getting the child experience with horses with pony camps etc.
Is this part of the 'I want I want ok you get' culture that is prevalant now?
 
The horse world in the UK is about 90% female so I highly doubt it is sexism causing these comments, more like concerned common sense. For goodness sake get a good instructor before you are seriously hurt. Silly girl (<< not sexist).
 
The thing is, my cob isn’t dangerous. He’s just got that go in him. He isn’t crazy or anything, just strong and every time I fell off (before, I haven’t come off in about four months) he always stood still and waited patiently for me to get back on &#128514;
 
Yes, but it isn’t I much about me not being old enough, but more the fact that many people are telling me he’s a man’s horse. It’s just the way they never once say that it might not have anything to do with I’m a girl. This guy told me that it was typical for a girl to get so attached.
 
In all honesty he has improved while riding and has only bolted about three times in about 20 weeks which is a lot better than before here he was bolting every time I asked for canter. The bucking has also stopped but only with me. When others ride him you can see that he still has it in him. Whenever I ha be a friend ride him i have to keep talking so he won’t freak. The only thing that has gotten worse is his stress but that might be linked back to the face that I’m away at school 8 to 6 every school day so I’m not around as much as I used to. He’s also young and high strung and is terrible about farriers
 
It's not sexism, it is sense. If you were a boy, people would still be telling you that it is a man's horse.

Basically, they are saying he is too much horse for you, you aren't in proper control of him (biting the farrier?!) and are at risk of getting hurt.

There is not shame in admitting defeat with a horse and going for something less challenging, safer and more fun.

After all, Mary King gave up the ride on Chili Morning because he was more of a man's ride, likewise I think it was Ginny Leng who gave up with Murphy Himself to Ian Stark for the same reason and these are pro riders at the top level.
 
iagree with all replies. Some horses are better suited to men and some to woman. Its not sexist they are individuals and so are riders and finding a good match is the key to a good and happy partnership. I gave up a good jumping horse as he was out and out strong and was used to being ridden by men. I am small and light framed (or was lol) and we just didn't suit.

I hope you get some good help to sort out the issues you are having before it ends in tears.
 
Emily T said:
Tbh the farrier did start shoving him about and it I guess it hurt his ego
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Horses dont have ego's. Humans do. He probably bit the farrier because the farrier was making him behave! Maybe you let him do as he likes more.
'He's only bolted 3 times in 20 weeks which is a lot better'.... WHAAT???? Are you serious? (Although i doubt ithey were proper bolts, more like you just werent able to hold him).
Get a good instructor and listen to them.
 
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stormox said:
This thread, and others like it, makes me rather concerned that unhorsey parents are going out and buying unsuitable animals, possibly from slightly unscrupulous dealers who would say anything to sell a horse, for their children rather than spend the money on lessons and getting the child experience with horses with pony camps etc.
Is this part of the 'I want I want ok you get' culture that is prevalant now?
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And now OP is saying 'when he was playing up my mother straight away offered to buy me another horse.
The words 'spoilt brat that doesnt listen to people who are trying to help' springs to mind.......
Sorry if that sounds rude, OP but you do need help and you need to listen to whoever you get to help you.
 
I actually don't see this as just a spoiled brat - but a young girl desperately looking for someone - anyone - to tell her something different from what everyone else is telling her. And in fairness what her heart is probably telling her too if she is starting to mature a bit. (But the point about over indulgent non horsey parents I am totally with!) But the end point is the same. The pony needs qualified and adult care. Much as she won't think so now - and I'm a Mum too - she will be happy again with another. And she will love another one. (Bit like men really... the first crush is devastating!)
 
I personally see it as a 'my horse is a wild spirit and I am the only one who can understand/tame him, everyone is telling me how I can't do it but I am determined to beat the odds.. please praise me everyone'.
But then maybe I am grumpy because I'm hoovering on Christmas day! :D
 
AShetlandBitMeOnce said:
I personally see it as a 'my horse is a wild spirit and I am the only one who can understand/tame him, everyone is telling me how I can't do it but I am determined to beat the odds.. please praise me everyone'.
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I see someone who has read too many silly pony books and has an ego the size of Mexico. I think the OP needs a heavy dose of reality, and parents with enough common sense to sort this situation out for her.
 
JFTD said:
I see someone who has read too many silly pony books and has an ego the size of Mexico. I think the OP needs a heavy dose of reality, and parents with enough common sense to sort this situation out for her.
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I see a normal naive teenager - and parents who probably don't have a clue, but who have at least worked out that this cob needs to go, and are happy to replace it with something safer if that's what it takes to move this one on.

OP - you are surrounded by help and advice. If you do not take it, you will end up injured, or with your confidence ruined for life. You might destroy the joy you find in horses.

More importantly, you are doing your horse no favours- if his behaviour continues or gets worse, what exactly do you think the likely outcome is for him? You can't "fix" him - you have been trying for weeks - and the longer you keep him, the most likely it is that he'll be ruined for life. For both your sakes, he needs a new home asap, and you need a been-there done-that horse you can have fun with. I'm sorry - it's tough - but I wish someone had given me the same advice twenty five years ago when I was in exactly your position.
 
To be fair I am not a spoilt brat and have not completely unhorsey sensible parents but I don't know they would have intervened if other knowledgeable people said it was OK. This may come down to lack o professional help as I always had experienced people around on yard to advise and I learnt through working with them. this seems a rarer situation now
 
Ah sorry I thought I read that the instructor was saying it needed ridden on? getting a bit muddled with the various threads running now. In that case they need to be listened to.
 
I feel for you, OP, but I agree with the other posters that this is a dangerous situation for you. I was in the same boat not too many years ago when I got my boy as a teenager. He was, and remains, absolutely lethal in the wrong hands and my parents were horrified once they realised how far removed he was from the stubborn but safe natives I'd grown up on. Knowing what I know now, I can understand why I was being told by so many people to give up and I can honestly say they were right. The first difference is, I had an amazing instructor who went to the lengths of letting him live at her yard for free with set lessons twice a week and expert supervision at all times until we got through to him. The second difference is that my boy was reacting due to fear, not lack of manners. We worked out his triggers and built trust with him in environments where he felt safe so I never had to truly confront dangerous behaviours that we're the symptoms of his lack of trust. You can't do that the same way with a rude cob. Your horse sounds like he needs an experienced adult who won't let him get away with anything and I fear you don't have the sheer physicality to lay down those much needed boundaries. You need help, OP, and you need it now. My boy turned out to be the best horse I've ever ridden, but if I'd insisted on doing it my way we'd likely both have ended up hurt or worse. If you really want what's best for your horse, you have to listen and you have to know when you're out of your depth. Good luck to you both
 
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