Sharing going wrong!

[Neigh100]

Looking for some advice, I currently share my mare with my best friend and have done for nearly two years successfully. She’s on full livery as I’ve just had a baby and don’t have the capacity to do all the jobs. This means there’s minimal jobs for her to do too.
For the past 5 months she’s done majority of the riding whilst I’ve been pregnant but following having my daughter, I’ve now wanted to do more riding again and I can feel the tension building. I’ve always tried my best to make her feel like shes not just a sharer because she has done the lion share of the riding due to my pregnancy.
Whenever I try to arrange training with an instructor or a competition, I can sense she’s not happy and makes comments about not being left out. Or says to me that she’s doesn’t want to just sit around and watch.
For the past 5 months I’ve supported her at as many competitions as I can, and I hoped with me coming back, I would get the same support back.
She does pays £25 PW towards the costs, but that is because livery, insurance, shoes, full use of trailer etc costs a fair whack but as I say hardly any jobs are needed.
I am extremely grateful she’s looked and cared for her so well during my pregnancy and it’s certainly taken the pressure off of me knowing she treats her like her own but now I feels like I’m having to bend and accommodate on everything to make sure she’s not feeling left out when the same isn’t being returned.

I don’t want this to spoil our friendship and the reason she doesn’t have her own is because of her financial position and not being able to afford a competition horse so I felt the share suited us both. It worked really well prior to my pregnancy but it’s changed since she’s taken over the riding and majority of the care. I want shift the balance back to 50/50.

I have tried to talk to her about it but she jumps straight on the defence and makes me feel like I’m trying to take her horse away.
It’s really upsetting me and I don’t know what to do.

Any advice in how I navigate this so I don’t lose my friendship but also get to enjoy my horse as well? Or am I being unreasonable?

Thanks

 

[The Bouncing Bog Trotter]

What a sad situation you find yourself in and I empathise having been there myself.

You have clearly articulated your concerns and show great empathy - you could just say to your friend what you have said to us. Maybe share your words with them?

A good friendship will survive this bump in the road.

 

[smolmaus]

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I'm sure your friend has a massive emotional investment in this mare now. Its not fair, but it's understandable that she might feel like your mare is "her" horse in a way.

She might just need a reality check that a horse that she can compete and doesn't have to do any jobs for doesn't cost £25/week and a reminder that you've been doing her as much of a favour as she has you. You shouldn't need to point that out, really. She should be able to come to that by herself when she overcomes her feelings (again, understandable feelings). Its a hard one when nobody here knows your friend.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Firstly as mean as it sounds, it really is not her horse. You are the owner and I know she is your friend but maybe suggest to her that you have set days now. Ask her what suits her best and you can then juggle your babysitting etc round about that.
I really think she has a great deal here ? Explain to her that she has done an amazing job riding and looking after her and you really appreciate she loves her like her own but now you are feeling more yourself , you would like to build your riding up as you have missed riding her for so long?

 

[ycbm]

I could understand your friend's attitude if she had been doing all the work for your mare and paying all the bills.

But she's had a very valuable horse in full livery and she's barely paid what it costs to shoe her. I don't really understand why you are so grateful that she "looked after and cared for" your mare. Surely that was being done by the livery stables?

I'm sure she's sad this is coming to an end but she needs to get real and I'm afraid you're going to need to point this out to her, as at the moment it sounds like she is extremely ungrateful and walking all over you. I can't see that she has done you a favour, quite the reverse, it's her that has received the favour. You could have left the mare unridden while you were pregnant, even turned her away and saved your livery costs.

The only thing that would change this, for me, is if you are expecting/needing her to look after the baby while you ride. That probably would be rubbing salt in a wound.
.

 

[Red-1]

As you have tried the softly softly approach, I think you need to be more direct. I would set down how you feel in writing. Send it to her. Allow her to digest, shout, scream, cry or whatever while you are not present.

I think it would help you to think of it as the five stages of grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

As this is not just for grief following a death, but also for the feelings when we lose something, or something we are comfortable with changes.

It sounds like she is in denial, as in she thinks she should do all the riding, with some crossing into anger. Be careful when she gets to bargaining to make sure the deal you come up with really does suit you and you aren't just trying to appease her. The depression will be hard too, but think of it as just another step in the road. Eventually, hopefully, she will come to acceptance of the new situation.

From what I can tell, £25 would get you 2 or 3 days a week. Probably more like the 2 days a week, as no jobs are included. Why does she not simply book a lesson for herself if she is jealous of yours? I would not expect you to have to fund her lessons, unless it also benefits you.

 

[Sandstone1]

Maybe a general chat about New year resolutions etc. Saying how much you are looking forward to getting back in to riding now and any aims you have for lessons or clinics etc. Maybe set days that she has and even consider increasing what she pays?

 

[Red-1]

I could understand your friend's attitude if she had been doing all the work for your mare and paying all the bills.

But she's had a very valuable horse in full livery and she's barely paid what it costs to shoe her. I don't really understand why you are so grateful that she "looked after and cared for" your mare. Surely that was being done by the livery stables?

I'm sure she's sad this is coming to an end but she needs to get real and I'm afraid you're going to need to point this out to her, as at the moment it sounds like she is extremely ungrateful and walking all over you. I can't see that she has done you a favour, quite the reverse, it's her that has received the favour. You could have left the mare unridden while you were pregnant, even turned her away and saved your livery costs.

The only thing that would change this, for me, is if you are expecting/needing her to look after the baby while you ride. That probably would be rubbing salt in a wound.
.

I would agree with this but quoted to specifically say that I have presumed you weren't using her as free childcare. I am not into kids and this would be a deal breaker for me altogether, even if you pain me LOL.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Everyone above us being very kind! I’m feeling less indulgent towards your friends who needs a serious reality check. It is not her horse and she has an unbelievably good deal. A valuable competition horse, built in competition groom on full livery for less than a cost of a weekly riding lesson! You need to let her know that you appreciate she has enjoyed more or less full loan (without the associated costs!) due to circumstances but you want to get back into riding so need to agree set days from now on. If she kicks off I’d tell her the arrangement is no longer working for you as shares only work when BOTH parties feel like they are very lucky and happy. As she is not happy about you prioritising riding your own horse then she needs her own. Or a full loan.

My sharer is great and adores Lottie so it works. The minute I felt awkward about riding my own horse, the share would end.

 

[Neigh100]

I would agree with this but quoted to specifically say that I have presumed you weren't using her as free childcare. I am not into kids and this would be a deal breaker for me altogether, even if you pain me LOL.

oh no, I wouldn’t expect her to watch my daughter.
in all fairness, I only like me own ?

 

[Hannahgb]

Have you both got set days to ride? So that she knows when she can book things/ ride and then the same for you?

 

[Red-1]

Everyone above us being very kind! I’m feeling less indulgent towards your friends who needs a serious reality check. It is not her horse and she has an unbelievably good deal. A valuable competition horse, built in competition groom on full livery for less than a cost of a weekly riding lesson! You need to let her know that you appreciate she has enjoyed more or less full loan (without the associated costs!) due to circumstances but you want to get back into riding so need to agree set days from now on. If she kicks off I’d tell her the arrangement is no longer working for you as shares only work when BOTH parties feel like they are very lucky and happy. As she is not happy about you prioritising riding your own horse then she needs her own. Or a full loan.

My sharer is great and adores Lottie so it works. The minute I felt awkward about riding my own horse, the share would end.

I would be the same, TBF. I've had 2 sharers in my time and they both worked beautifully, everyone benefitted. I wouldn't have out up with any silliness.

 

[Neigh100]

Have you both got set days to ride? So that she knows when she can book things/ ride and then the same for you?

We do have a planned days but with the bad weather etc it does make it challenging to stick to those specific days. Majority of the challenge is around the weekend, with lessons / competing with us both wanting to do the same events.
As I’ve had so long out of the saddle, I need more time back in the saddle to find my feet again. I think this is where she finds it unfair as she’s done majority and is used to riding a lot more.

 

[twiggy2]

Sit down , have a chat and arrange set dats for each of you, one of you doesn't need to groom for or watch the other ride.
I would be clear that if you cannot sit down and chat to arrange the set up to work well for both of you that you will be looking for another sharer.
The horse is not hers, she pays a token amount towards keep and has had a free hand whilst you have been pregnant, point out I has been great for you too and why but that things need to move forward, you don't want to lose her as a loaner or friend but things cannot continue if you are made to feel bad about wanting time with your horse.

 

[Neigh100]

Thanks all for your advice. Really appreciate it.
I need to be more firm and have a proper sit down with her as a conversation clearly needs to be had.

 

[twiggy2]

We do have a planned days but with the bad weather etc it does make it challenging to stick to those specific days. Majority of the challenge is around the weekend, with lessons / competing with us both wanting to do the same events.
As I’ve had so long out of the saddle, I need more time back in the saddle to find my feet again. I think this is where she finds it unfair as she’s done majority and is used to riding a lot more.

If the weather is bad on someone's day and they can't ride then they ride on their next set day, either of you could miss out and that's life.
If you want to have all the competing then you do so, if you want to give her a weekend a month then do so.
Be realistic though and don't set yourself more days than is practical with a little one, also don't be bullied into having less than you want and can cope with

 

[ycbm]

As I’ve had so long out of the saddle, I need more time back in the saddle to find my feet again. I think this is where she finds it unfair as she’s done majority and is used to riding a lot more.

Why does she think she has done you a favour by riding your horse?
.

 

[Sleipnir]

Your friend has been enjoying an incredibly good deal and needs a reality check to remind her that the horse is, in fact, yours, not hers, and it is she who has been receiving a favour (of which she should be grateful). If she wants a horse whose riding regimen is totally under her control, she simply needs to get her own.

 

[Sandstone1]

Why does she think she has done you a favour by riding your horse?
.

Exactly, you could simply have given your horse time off while you were unable to ride. I think you have been doing her the favour. It would cost more than £25 a week for a decent lesson and shes pretty much had free use of your horse.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

There should be nothing she finds unfair about any of this. She is more or less gas lighting you to think she’s been doing you a favour!

But then again you are letting her by not keeping a firm grasp on reality yourself. It is not her horse. Having free rein was a fantastic perk for her while also helpful for you but you want your horse back now. Her making you feel uncomfortable about that is a real problem and you would feel forced to end the share if she carries on acting like it’s her horse and expecting nothing to change. Plus what do you mean she won’t talk about it? It’s YOUR HORSE and your share agreement. If you want to talk about the share, you have every right to. Imagine a tenant refusing a requested meeting with a landlord?!

I think you need to have set days - I reckon no more than 2 a week. Up to you whether that ever includes a weekend. Your comps take priority. And zero guilt. She’s taking the mick.

 

[Fieldlife]

Why does she think she has done you a favour by riding your horse?
.

Has she schooled / rehabbed/ improved the horse by riding it?

If not I don’t see any favour being done by the friend.

 

[meleeka]

With regard to weekends/events/clinics that you both want to do, you could sit down with her and go through them all and between you, decide in advance who’s going to be doing what, so that you both get a turn. Of course, it shouldn’t be necessary as it’s your horse, but it might help preserve the friendship if she at least feels she’s being considered. I think Id also want to suggest if she’s going to want an equal share that she pays an equal contribution.

 

[Trouper]

Presumably the share worked well before your pregnancy when you were both wanting equal riding/competing time? - she just needs to understand that things have to revert to the way they were.

If she wants more time there is no bar to her taking on another part loan.

 

[maya2008]

Sit down and agree a schedule. If horse is on full livery, then to be honest if she is arguing about days she can pay a greater percentage of the cost! Start by pointing out how much you pay vs how much she pays. If 50:50 still suits you, then point out how good a deal financially that is for her. Write down an agreement that works for both of you and give her a copy. Job done. If she now wants her own horse as she has got used to riding all the time, you can always offer to help her find one on loan?

 

[ecb89]

This is no different to a temporary promotion while covering someone’s maternity leave. Now you are back then she has to step down.
£25 a week is probably a drop in the ocean compared to your full livery bill and various other expenses. Good sharers are hard to find but she needs to understand she is sharer, not a part owner or has the horse on full loan.

 

[Red-1]

We do have a planned days but with the bad weather etc it does make it challenging to stick to those specific days. Majority of the challenge is around the weekend, with lessons / competing with us both wanting to do the same events.
As I’ve had so long out of the saddle, I need more time back in the saddle to find my feet again. I think this is where she finds it unfair as she’s done majority and is used to riding a lot more.

I don't see the challenge with the weather to stick to specific days? If it is bad weather on her day, it is her choice weather to ride or not. If it is bad weather on your days, then you have the choice weather to ride or not.

I think she has had a spectacular deal but, TBH, if I were in a share and had a day allocated to me, so I planned my week round it, then had a call or text saying it was cancelled at short notice, then I would be cheesed off too. Especially if it were because the owner didn't fancy riding in the rain on her day. It is about valuing my time and planning.

I would give her 2 days a week, agree one weekend a month (1st weekend of the month each time?) for her to do as she wishes, and stick with it. That way you have 5 days a week and 3 or 4 weekends a month.

If the goalposts keep moving, it is hard to know what you are agreeing with. If a day needs to change, it can be mutually agreed.

Maybe some of the discord is because you yourself don't know what you want, so it is harder for her to reconcile to it?

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

You definitely need to have a talk with her and sort out which days your doing and stick to it, on the days you ride I wouldn't expect her to be around the horse on those days, so her saying she doesn't want to sit around just watching should not happen, you need to set clear boundaries now.

If they are not what she wants or they are not stuck to I would just end it, you cannot be dictated to by a so called friend about what you do with your horse.

Please don't think she has been doing you a favour while you were pregnant she definitely hasn't and I would make that quite clear.

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

It's ok for her to feel sad about an end of an era, sounds like she's had a blast, but! Not okay to be cross with you/guilt you about it.

I agree you need to be clear in your mind what you'd like to renegotiate so that you can be clear with her. This will help her decide whether she wants to continue on that basis or to look for something else.

 

[Rowreach]

I must be missing something. If the share arrangements have been in place for two years and only varied because of your pregnancy then surely it was obvious that things would revert (or a there would be another variation) once your baby had arrived and you were back in the saddle?

She's taking the absolute p*ss and I'd be pretty annoyed if a sharer started acting as if my horse, that I bought and paid to keep, was their property.

 

[FlyingCircus]

"Sorry, now I'm back up and running I'll be doing more riding. If that doesn't work for you, I could help you look for another horse and share an idea of what X costs so you can work out a budget."


But then, I can be abit passive aggressive when people are taking the piss...