Sharing going wrong!

[Leandy]

Would you want to just revert to the same deal you had before you were pregnant and had the baby? If so, say so and implement it straight away. I can't see how she can reasonably object to that, it must have been what she was expecting! If you want to make changes as compared to the previous arrangement then be clear what those will be (it is your horse so you get to dictate) and give her the relevant notice as stipulated by your agreement. I think it will be easier to try to discuss this as a business arrangement and not mix it with your friendship. If she is not happy with what you suggest then I think the only workable option is to terminate the share. If she now wants a greater involvement with horse ownership then perhaps it is time for her to buy her own, or pay to ride elsewhere. You could offer to sell or lease your horse to her fully - at the market price of course! This might make her think about how grabby she seems to be being. Would that be an option? And you start again with a youngster or similar? You don't need to feel pushed into accommodating your friend though. the horse is yours, if you want it back to compete then take it back, with or without her still having a day or two to ride. £25 per week is absolutely nothing compared to your full costs, you don't owe your friend anything here. Rather she owes it to you to be appreciiative of what you have already done for her and grown up and accepting of your plans for your horse. Whether your friendship will be impacted is impossible to say without knowing you both!

 

[Winters100]

You need to sit down with her and discuss it, but you have nothing to feel guilty about, and to be honest it sounds to me as if she is being rather immature. I could see a child feeling this way, but she is an adult, and I would have thought that it would have been obvious to her that you would at some point come back to riding, after all if not then why would you have been paying to keep a horse for all these months? She has an exceptionally good deal, especially with the horse on full livery and use of a trailer thrown in. In your position I would be kind but firm, there is value in having a good sharer, but not if you are left feeling uncomfortable about riding your own horse.

 

[blitznbobs]

How about sticking all the competitions you both want to do on bits of paper in a hat and then taking turns to pick one out… 50/50 split and she can’t say that’s not fair… if she does she is behaving like a spoilt brat and should be asked what she thinks fair looks like

 

[Winters100]

How about sticking all the competitions you both want to do on bits of paper in a hat and then taking turns to pick one out… 50/50 split and she can’t say that’s not fair… if she does she is behaving like a spoilt brat and should be asked what she thinks fair looks like

You are much kinder than me - there is no way I would do this. OP is paying for the vast majority of the cost, and as the owner also has the risk of vet treatment, or even keeping the horse retired should something go badly wrong. To me the sharer needs to understand that if she wants to call the shots then she needs to buy her own horse.

 

[MissTyc]

How about sticking all the competitions you both want to do on bits of paper in a hat and then taking turns to pick one out… 50/50 split and she can’t say that’s not fair… if she does she is behaving like a spoilt brat and should be asked what she thinks fair looks like

LUCKY DRAW TO RIDE MY OWN HORSE??? That would be the day ....
It's not FAIR on the owner to be made to feel like she needs to find a compromise to ride her own horse.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

You are much kinder than me - there is no way I would do this. OP is paying for the vast majority of the cost, and as the owner also has the risk of vet treatment, or even keeping the horse retired should something go badly wrong. To me the sharer needs to understand that if she wants to call the shots then she needs to buy her own horse.

100%
I have a share arrangement.
My deal: I have a committed, skilled sharer who adores my horse and keeps her fit & healthy. She rides her well, does the hacking/fittening work I don't treally like. Takes her to camps and clinics, Pays for lessons with top trainers - always asking my permissin first for each trainer to ensure the training is consistent with what I want. Pays 50% of shoes and supplements. (Which is still more than £25 a week as Lottie is a high maintenance diva. But it's a drop in the ocean compared to my costs). I am grateful for her help, she never misses a day whatever the weather. She folllwed the rehab plan to the letter during Lottie's injury lay off. I feel very lucky to have her.

Her deal: she gets to ride a high quality horse 2 days a week guaranteed for a small contribution to costs. Lottie is on full livery so there are no jobs to do. She can ask for me for special events - I usually agree but it depends if I have plans myself. My plans take priority. But this year she has been allowed to take her on a 4 day hacking holiday in the Welsh mountains, a 4 day cowboy camp with Guy Robertson and a 2 day jump camp at Somerford. For free as it was one of my camps and we had a spare stable so she just came along! She has no longterm care or cost commitments if the horse is ill/injured. SHE feels very lucky too.

That is how it should be. A mutually beneficial agreement that suits both people - both of whom would struggle to replace the deal with anything better. I'd struggle to find a sharer anywhere near as good. She would struggle to find a horse anywhere near as good without shelling out a hell of a lot more money. So it works. But neither of us ever forget Lottie is my horse, I pay her livery. I pay her vets bills, I manage her care needs and I am responisble for her in a way a sharer never has to be.

I do think there needs to be fundamental perception shift on the part of your sharer. She is seeing things in a very self serving and unrealistic way. Somehow viewing the fact that she 'treated her as her own' and 'stepped in when you weren't around' etc means you owe her now. When she was in fact extremley lucky to have exra riding time while you were pregnant and you owe her nothing.

 

[Cowpony]

There seem to be three areas of conflict here - set days for riding; competitions; and support when the other is competing. The first is easy - each have your set days, and if the weather is bad and either of you decide not to ride on your allocated day, that's your/her decision and neither gets to shift to another day.

For competitions, as others have said, agree in advance which competition each of you will do. You haven't said what discipline you compete at, but could you do one class each at the same event?

The support at events is harder, as it's voluntary and she can always find reasons why she can't go to your events. How has she been getting to competitions while you've been off? If you've been driving her and are expected to continue that, then I'd be making it quite clear that support works both ways. If she doesn't groom for you at your events, you won't be driving her to hers. Then just crack on with your competitions alone and if she can't go to hers, tough!

 

[Chianti]

We do have a planned days but with the bad weather etc it does make it challenging to stick to those specific days. Majority of the challenge is around the weekend, with lessons / competing with us both wanting to do the same events.
As I’ve had so long out of the saddle, I need more time back in the saddle to find my feet again. I think this is where she finds it unfair as she’s done majority and is used to riding a lot more.

When I had a sharer the understanding was that if someone needed to change their day because of other commitments then they could ask the other person if they would swap, but they were under no compulsion to do so. I would negotiate set days of the week and stick to those. This may mean that you might not be able to do all the events you want to do but that's the negative side of having a sharer. If you both want to compete then you're going to have to agree when that can be - presumably you don't want your horse competing both days at the weekend? If you haven't got a written agreement I suggest you make one. BHS do a draft that you can amend to suit your situation.

 

[Barton Bounty]

LUCKY DRAW TO RIDE MY OWN HORSE??? That would be the day ....
It's not FAIR on the owner to be made to feel like she needs to find a compromise to ride her own horse.

I really laughed out loud at that ? but you are right.
I would probably keep on full livery and take back full ownership now and help your friend find one of her own to loan ?

 

[Glitterandrainbows]

Would not dream of letting a friend making me guilty for riding my own horse no chance ! But a true friend I feel you can have frank conversations with and she should be supporting you to get back into the saddle now your a mum sorry but some friends are not friends there users she’s getting a very good deal it would be different if she was mucking out for you for 9 months but she wasn’t

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I used to ride other people’s horses quite a lot and it was always hard when you felt you’d developed this amazing partnership and had built up all these goals… and then the owner decides to sell or move the horse or wants to ride it themselves.

It may not be the case in your situation but I would often be offered the quirky or green ones and then I would put so much time into developing them, working through issues and getting them going nicely. It was always a bit grating to take a step back when the owner wanted to change things.

But I had to accept that this is just part of the deal - it is not my horse, I have no control over the decisions and life isn’t fair. And I was always polite and gracious, and I felt it more important to have kept great relationships with everyone I rode for.

Now the tables have turned and I have other people riding my horses. I often have to make decisions about who is riding and where horses are going. Whilst I make my decisions based on what I feel is right for me and the horse, I do try to take into account that others will feel invested and remember the disappointments I had when the shoe was on the other foot. It may not change the outcome but the manner in which I handle the communication.

In your shoes, especially as it is a friend and the relationship is important, I would acknowledge the situation.

I’d probably write a nice thank you card and buy her a little gift. I’d then say something, verbally, like,

Thank you so much for stepping up whilst I was out of the saddle. I know you went over and above with Horse, and it has meant so much to me to have the peace of mind knowing that Horse is looked after. I know that it must be difficult to step back to our previous arrangement now that I am riding again. I would love for you to continue as we did before I had Baby but I will understand if you feel you need more and want to look for a horse where you have more riding time. Our friendship comes first and I would always want you to be able to talk to me about it.

 

[Sossigpoker]

People get comfortable and get used to things so she's assuming things will carry on as they have been.

I'd sit down with her and state clearly that now you're back,.you want to set up a fixed arrangements where she can have X days in the week plus one weekend day (or whatever you decide). I wouldn't have a debate or a negotiation, I'd just tell her that this is the way forward .

If the weather is bad on her or your day , that's just tough, welcome to Equestrian life lol !

 

[Abacus]

Sorry, haven’t managed to read all the lovely long replies on here but another vote for ‘she’s had a really good deal and sounds like she’s being a bit of a diva’.

Ok, you have both benefitted up to now. Your horse was kept in work and to competition standard presumably by a decent rider. She got a damn cheap deal to ride and compete a good horse with minimal chores. Personally I’d say she got more benefit than you, but great if you’re ok with that. But your situation is changing - and it’s your horse. Be clear about what is now on offer (which days, and the opportunities for riding and competing) and what she’d have to contribute. Do say thank you for the work she has put in, while quietly remembering she has had a good deal. A few of her comments (about not wanting to sit and watch, when it’s what you’ve done several times when she was riding your horse) are frankly rude, and I hope she will become a better person and not be as entitled as this sounds.

One last thing regarding your future arrangement. If you are dividing the days of the week for normal riding (separate from lessons and competitions) the horse could sometimes work twice (E.g. hack in the morning and school in the afternoon) without coming to harm, if you are really struggling with poor weather days and suchlike.

 

[maya2008]

Regarding the weather, perhaps a move to a yard with an indoor school?

Full waterproofs, regularly cared for tack (that therefore repels water) and riding in the afternoon when the school has defrosted = the key to still being able to ride on the set days that have been agreed. Equally, most horses easily tolerate twice a day work - if you are still building up your fitness and need to hack more, for example, your horse could hack at one end of the day and school at the other.

 

[magicmoments]

I'm afraid she needs to remember that she is a sharer, who has had an exceptionally good deal. £25/week for a horse on full livery, plus extras, especially with the rise in costs too. She's clearly not the friend you thought she was. Even if she paid 50% of costs, you still have the long term responsibility, that she doesn't have.
With the pittance she pays, the owner should certainly get preferential days upto a point. Perhaps it would be a good idea to give her a rough breakdown of costs for the horse, so that she can see what a fabulous deal she has had.
If the owner or sharer chose not to ride on their day for weather reasons, that's just tough.

 

[PipsqueakXy22]

We do have a planned days but with the bad weather etc it does make it challenging to stick to those specific days. Majority of the challenge is around the weekend, with lessons / competing with us both wanting to do the same events.
As I’ve had so long out of the saddle, I need more time back in the saddle to find my feet again. I think this is where she finds it unfair as she’s done majority and is used to riding a lot more.

to be honest I think it should be the other way round and if she wants to ride or do a lesson or go to a show on a weekend day she should be asking you, not you checking with her. When I was paying £25p/w I got 2 weekdays and if I was lucky and asked I could do a show once a month on a weekend in the summer months. Definitely agree with most of what has been said. She needs a reality check it’s your horse after all not the other way round

 

[ConstantStressage]

Thanks all for your advice. Really appreciate it.
I need to be more firm and have a proper sit down with her as a conversation clearly needs to be had.

May I suggest setting out a new share agreement (BHS does a good template) and saying she can take it or leave it. Or write it out together, have agreed set days and some flexibility where there are certain events/shows (which she needs to agree with you in advance, not the other way around).

She needs a reality check. I'm a long term sharer and am fortunate enough to be friends with the owner, who is v reasonable and we tend to be flexible for one another (for example, I tell her she is welcome to join me on my days to ride as I want her to get back in the saddle and enjoy her horse, she gives me additional days for free when I am off work). If we both went to a show, we would simply choose different classes or I would go without (at the end of the day, it is her horse - not mine!).

 

[splashgirl45]

Basically she has had a horse on full loan for £25 pw. !! I had a horse on full loan and paid for everything, a hell of a lot more than £25.. I paid in full for all food, farrier, vets fees, and livery, which is right as I had a horse I could ride every day, compete whenever I wanted to . I also provided my own tack which was fitted to the horse and any rugs she needed. Your friend is taking the mickey, let her read this thread so she can realise how lucky she has been ..and she should now be helping you to get back to riding fitness not putting things in the way, I am cross for you!!!

 

[PurBee]

The guilt you feel is unfounded. Your friend has been lucky, very lucky to ride a fabulous horse everyday for 25 quid a week.

Its a shame she cant see that.

All friendships get tested, and as said by first response, one worth holding onto, will easily ride this bump in the road.

 

[Sandstone1]

I wonder if she thought you would not get back in to riding again with a new baby and she could carry on pretty much having her own horse.

 

[blitznbobs]

LUCKY DRAW TO RIDE MY OWN HORSE??? That would be the day ....
It's not FAIR on the owner to be made to feel like she needs to find a compromise to ride her own horse.

it is a compromise _ I would’ve already told her to do one but people tend to think I’m fairly black and white… maybe too much so … but it would at least open up the conversation if there doesnt seem to be any common ground

 

[black and brown]

If your friend wants this level of control over arrangements I think she should look to get her own horse. You mention this is not a financial possibility in which case she may like to think long and hard about the favourable aspects of her loan and how accommodating you are trying to be.

 

[motherof2beasts!]

I think you need to be quite firm, she didn’t do you any favours , your horse is in full livery so not like she’s been mucking out , pooh picking etc sounds like it worked to her advantage. I would send a text email politely pointing out that you are the owner and therefore these are the days you will be doing and these are the competitions you’ll be doing, if she comes back objecting I would tell her to find a full loan.

 

[Glitter's fun]

I wonder if she thought you would not get back in to riding again with a new baby and she could carry on pretty much having her own horse.

I agree - I think she has probably had a bit of a jolt. She has had time to come to terms with the change now. Make it clear that a line has been drawn.

I’d probably write a nice thank you card and buy her a little gift. I’d then say something, verbally, like,

Thank you so much for stepping up whilst I was out of the saddle. I know you went over and above with Horse, and it has meant so much to me to have the peace of mind knowing that Horse is looked after. I know that it must be difficult to step back to our previous arrangement now that I am riding again. I would love for you to continue as we did before I had Baby but I will understand if you feel you need more and want to look for a horse where you have more riding time. Our friendship comes first and I would always want you to be able to talk to me about it.

That's very well worded but I'd write it as a note with the gift & add an invitation to meet somewhere for a glass of something . Make the necessary future arrangements or say Goodbye to the share & raise a glass to the continuing friendship.

 

[honetpot]

I know I am direct, but I would draw up an agreement to suit me, and then say have you any objections, and then compromise if I think I needed to, on my terms.

Friendship or not it's a balance, what are you giving, against what you are getting, write it down on paper she has had a very good deal. It sounds like your friend has control issues, and in her head she has been doing you the favour.
In September, I had a pony out on loan that was PTS, in all about £1000 for euthanasia and disposal. As an owner you have full responsibility, even if it is insured, and that is what you have to balance against £25 a week.