Sorry, sad post - advice about logistics of having dog pts when you have children

[Catbird]

Hi, I'm after some advice please and sorry for the long post
Our amazing dog Archie is going to be put to sleep on Thursday as he needs to come off his pain medication due to side effects from being on them long term. The vet has been great and we had a frank discussion about options and at the age of 15, we've decided that it's time to let him go.
The advice I'm after is how to tell our 7 and 9 year old children. We've chosen Thursday as Archie needs to come off the medication v soon and me and OH have the day booked off work already so the plan is to head to the beach before going to the vet. Kids will therefore be at school unless they came along with us. I don't want them to come home and then find out what has happened, but I don't think we can tell them beforehand and pack them off to school. I also don't want them to come to the vet as they'd be so upset and while one of us could be with kids and the other with Archie, we both want to be with him until the end. The kids know that he hasn't been well and I sadly had to have my horse pts in August so they understand that side if things, I'm just not sure what to do about the logistics of it all. We've recently moved and don't have family nearby so don't have the support network yet for the kids to go to someone else's house.
If anyone can offer advice I'd be really grateful
Adulting sucks.

 

[Barton Bounty]

I would let them go to school, and you do what you need to, and later let the kids know that he felt unwell and you took him to the vet , but sadly he passed away. I would rather tell them he passed away on his own, than you arranged it. Honesty is best but agree with you, not before school and also not have them there, maybe a bit young to cope with that.
So sorry your going through this ?

 

[PurBee]

It’s really tricky knowing what’s best, but you know your kids best, how they are about understanding death.

When i was around that age i had rabbits that were ill i cared for and one had to be pts. So i went to the vets with the bunny and was there as he, to my mind, fell asleep. It was peaceful, and it showed me early in life, that pts for animals is a kind painless way to end their suffering.
I didn’t get upset, i was very accepting that life isnt forever, for any of us.

If my parents had taken one of our dogs to the vet for pts, and didnt mention anything beforehand, and i found out after the deed, i would have been upset. Purely because i’d want to have a last hug, or last walk, just to say goodbye.
I wouldn’t have wanted to be there at the vet if i was at school, as dogs were family pets not my personal pets like my rabbits.
We had one very ill dog who was at vet hospital and we were warned by parents she may well be pts as she’s very poorly. She recovered in the end, but it was nice to have the probable bad news as it prepared me for her loss.

Having knowledge of what’s going on really helped me accept the death of dear pets. To find out suddenly after pts would have been more heartbreaking. But i was a kid really involved with all animal care, i was more emotionally invested.

It’s so kind of you to consider the impact on your little ones, they’re lucky kids ?

 

[Clodagh]

I think I agree with BB. But maybe let them know the time is coming .
‘Archie really isn’t well and so we aren’t sure how much longer he’ll be with us. We are worried one day he won’t be able to get up and then sadly he will have to be put to sleep by the vet.’
Just a thought. It’s a horrible thing to explain.

 

[HashRouge]

I would talk to them about it beforehand - explain carefully and clearly that he is poorly and it is the kindest thing to do. Then ask if they would like to go to school or if they would like to be there when he is put to sleep. My sister and I (at the time aged 7 and 10) were both there when our first cat was put to sleep and I think it was much easier to come to terms with because we got to be there and say goodbye. We had her put to sleep at home - Mum, Dad, both us kids and the vet all cried. Death is a normal and natural part of life and I actually think it is good to be open with children about it and give them a choice as to whether they would like to be there or not. I would certainly not have the dog put to sleep in secret and only tell them after - I don't think that is fair and it also may be much harder for them to come to terms with that way.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Or you could say to them the evening prior, that ‘archie is feeling poorly, and you will take him to the doggy hospital in the morning but would you like to give archie and extra kiss and cuddle just in case’

or something along those lines, they are still young kids afterall. Be different if they were 11/12 or over. ?

 

[Catbird]

Thank you for all of your replies
We've had the discussion about being responsible for animal happiness etc and what happens when they are pts as we had a very elderly pony on loan who kept worrying us but then bouncing back and they asked lots of questions about what would happen.
It's the dilemma of them knowing in advance as it would be fine to say that he took a turn for the worse while they were at school and I think they would accept it, but I wouldn't want them to not get to say goodbye. But I don't know if them saying goodbye and being upset would upset Archie and that's not fair either. Urghhh.
I'm going round in circles!

 

[gallopingby]

I think it depends on the childrens outlook on life, sometimes it’s easier to just be a little ‘economical’ with the truth. When l was about 10 my grandfathers elderly golden retriever died and we were told she’d been found ‘asleep’ in her basket. We were very upset but never thought to question what had happened. When one of my dogs had to be pts suddenly my daughter was away at school and according to her house mother, didnt really seem too bothered although maybe that was because she wasnt her favourite!

 

[Books'n'dogs]

I wouldn't have them present when you have to say the final goodbye, I realize most euthanasia is peaceful and quick but occasionally it isn't and I think that would be too hard for a child to witness, I'm an adult in my late thirties and am still struggling with my memories from earlier this year of a rather traumatic pts experience.

 

[Bionic Boy]

I was going to say maybe speak to them the evening before. Exactly what BBB has said in the second post so they can have a cuddle in the morning.

 

[Clodagh]

I think it depends on the childrens outlook on life, sometimes it’s easier to just be a little ‘economical’ with the truth. When l was about 10 my grandfathers elderly golden retriever died and we were told she’d been found ‘asleep’ in her basket. We were very upset but never thought to question what had happened. When one of my dogs had to be pts suddenly my daughter was away at school and according to her house mother, didnt really seem too bothered although maybe that was because she wasnt her favourite!

Great idea.

 

[scats]

When I was 9, my dad took our elderly cat to the vet. I assumed to have her jabs (what I was told) but he came home with her collar and told me the vet said she was poorly and needed to be put to sleep. I
The reality was my parents knew and had planned it. I never got to say goodbye as I assumed she was fine and coming home.
I didn’t realise until a few years later that it had all been planned and I felt sad about it and wished they hadn’t done that, but I realise they were in a difficult position. I think honesty is always the best way.

 

[rara007]

Lots of kids cope way better than you’d expect. I’d start with a few warning blows then tell them in the evening he had to go to the vet and it was kindest to put him to sleep/he died (whichever easiest!).
https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-loss-support-children-missing-my-friend

 

[CorvusCorax]

My Mum was very matter of fact with me in terms of animals and even her own mother, IE 'dog/Nan ? isn't getting younger and will not be around forever' so was always prepping me for bereavement (although Nan hung on til I was in my mid 20s )
I was around that age when I realised that all the cats who had gone 'to a nice farm in the country' over the years had gone to the farm run by Jesus....but anyway.

I came home from school one day when I was about six and Mum told me our old dog had been put to sleep. I was a bit sad but I knew she had been struggling and Mum herself now knows she kept her on too long. We also had a younger dog which took my mind off it, but I never really questioned it that much.
I don't remember it being a trauma or anything.

I wouldn't have them there, dogs can involuntarily evacuate, fight the drugs etc which isn't always nice to see.

I also wouldn't tell them anything the night before/morning of which could make them spend the whole day worrying.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

You've had some good advice above but sadly, only you and their father know what your children can cope with. I would certainly warn them that the vet might say that he is too ill to go on without his medication but the medication is upsetting him.

 

[Moobli]

It’s really difficult isn’t it. I’m sorry you are having to let Archie go. My children were brought up on a farm so death isn’t unfamiliar to them. I hope you can decide a plan of action with the children that works for you all.

 

[Catbird]

Thank you all - you've been very kind and really helpful

 

[Boulty]

I'd say maybe have a talk the evening before saying that he's very poorly and going to see the vet but that they might not be able to help him so that they have chance to say goodbye to him & are prepared for him not being there. I was involved in PTS discussions for my hamsters & rabbits at that age

 

[Jenko109]

I remember having to say goodbye at about that age knowing my old dog was off to the vets to get put to sleep.

I think it would have hurt considerably more if I had not had the chance for a last hug and kiss.

I know you both ideally want to be there with your dog, but if nobody else is available then I would have one of you stay with the kids and one go with your dog. I would take the kids with you to the beach too and let them enjoy that last memory. I would allow them to take the day off school to process and reflect.

 

[meleeka]

I’ve had to do this and sent the kids off to school as normal. They knew the dog wasn’t well so it wasn’t such a big shock. I certainly wouldn’t have told them in the morning, then sent them off to school. That seems a bit unfair to me.

 

[nagblagger]

I know the question is about your children, but thinking of you at this sad time.

 

[Ratface]

Our permanently grumpy old Wire haired Fox Terrier was pts whilst I was at school. No warning. I got back and both him and his basket were gone. One day, several years later, mother told me that she'd had my old retired pony shot earlier in the day.
She wasn't good with death. The second day that I was at secondary school, aged 10, I was told in front of the whole class that my father had died and that I should go home. An hour+ walking and bus. I did. Mother was sitting with a particularly loathed aunt. She told me to go away and ride the pony. I was forbidden to speak of him again.
As a consequence, I have no trouble about talking about the dead to their relatives, but w very lightly.

 

[blackcob]

I know the question is about your children, but thinking of you at this sad time.

Just popped on to say exactly this, don't forget to look after yourselves too.

I think BBB and Boulty have it, acknowledgement that he's been very poorly, that you're taking him to the vet but that he isn't going to get better, and best we cuddle and kiss him now while he's with us. A chance to say goodbye without the burden of knowing the exact plans. It sounds like you've set them up wonderfully with the discussions of the old pony and it would probably be fine to tell tham exactly what's happening in other circumstances, but perhaps not if they have to head off to school upset.

 

[fankino04]

Is there a friend or relative who could pick them up from the beach so they could be part of the final family farewell but not have to be there at the very end?

 

[Catbird]

I can't reply to posts for some reason but thank you for the replies - Ratface, that sounds awful I'm so sorry

Unfortunately we don't know anyone yet who they can go to and family are a long way away. Me and OH are going to have another talk about it and go through what you've all said as it's been helpful reading it all. The plan was to tell the kids today so they can say goodbye and hope they want to go to school tomorrow for the distraction. I think they'd want to come to the beach but selfishly I want them at school so me and OH can do it together as the 3 of us have been through a lot and neither of us want to not be there.

 

[P3LH]

Plant the seed that he is a bit poorly and the vets are trying to do what they can to help him. Send them to school none the wiser on the day. Don’t take them straight home after picking them up, go for a walk or a drive etc. I’d always suggest avoiding terms like ‘he went to sleep’ or ‘he’s having a long sleep and we can’t wake him up etc’ I’ve seen this have quite a bit of impact professionally.

It really depends on the children. I remember being seven when my grandparents had one of their rough collies, my favourite one, put to sleep. He hasn’t been sick for a long time or visibly different etc so I think I found it hard to understand - but he was 14 and diagnosed with a mass. They brought him home, fed him all the wrong things over night and the next morning he was taken back. Funny, I do the exact same where possible. I was told to go and give him a hug as he was ‘going on his way now’ and he was going to die as he was very old and very unwell. I knew he was going to the vets so said I would see him when they had fixed him. My Nan told this couldn’t happen, he was too poorly and it was his time. I said goodbye - it was very sad at the time but I always say it instilled in me personally a very matter of fact, black and white, no nonsense approach to euthanasia with my own pets.

 

[Moobli]

I hope it was a peaceful end for your beloved dog and the kids are okay, with whatever you decided.

 

[JJS]

I hope it was a peaceful end for your beloved dog and the kids are okay, with whatever you decided.

Just came to echo this sentiment. I hope you, your OH, and your children are coping okay and that your precious boy passed peacefully

 

[nagblagger]

[QUOTE="JJS, post: ]Just came to echo this sentiment. I hope you, your OH, and your children are coping okay and that your precious boy passed peacefully [/QUOTE]
As the 2 posts above, thinking of you today.

 

[Catbird]

Thank you for your thoughts, we ended up telling them last night and heading out for a sunset walk for a big goodbye. The girls went to school as they wanted to be distracted (was a relief not to have to tell them they had to anyway!) and we dosed Archie up and took him to the beach for a run about which he loved. The girls helped bury him in the garden after school and they want to plant an apple tree as he loved apples. We're exhausted but it all went as well as it could ?