Struggling after mare PTS

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flow

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3 months ago I had my mare PTS due to her arthritis pain.
I thought things got easier with time but as time goes by I’m finding things harder.
I know in the grand scheme of things 3 months isn’t a long time but I can’t even look at her pictures without crying my eyes out.
I’m getting a small amount of horse contact by helping out once a week with a friends horse. She has an amazing mare but all I find myself doing is comparing her to my mare.
I have piled on the lbs too through comfort eating and lack of chores the yard.
I wondered if you guys had some tips to help the grieving process ❤️
 
So sorry for your loss - they really do leave hoofprints on your heart. I lost my mare in August, and I still get upset when I think about her. For me, I use distraction - I'm lucky as I have another horse to focus on. If I didn't, I would be looking at setting myself a goal or two - either horse related or fitness related, depending on what you are planning next. I've also got involved in my local riding club, and helped on competition days. This weekend I found my desire to compete returning, which is a good sign.
If you are planning on getting another horse, then you could look at getting lessons in different places, or booking a horse holiday to have something to look forward to. If you think you'll take a break for a while, then why not pop along to your local gym and chat to the instructors about setting yourself a goal.
Three months isn't very long, and it will get easier, just be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. Everyone moves at their own pace.
 
Another who can really empathise. I lost my beloved mare on 5th September, due to lami, cushings and various other chronic issues. I made the decision to PTS before she deteriorated too much, and I don't regret it, but I am very much still grieving as I miss her greatly.

You have changed your way of life as well as losing a close friend who depended on you for her wellbeing (and vice versa!). There is no timescale for grief.

I keep catching myself in floods at certain songs on the radio ('nothing compares to you' being a real ruiner of my face); I stroke the photos I have of her, and I broke into little bits when my yard friends got me a little model of her which is lovely. I don't want to ride, as I know other horses won't come close to her at this point, and it isn't fair to them to carry my disappointment.

Don't be afraid to let your emotions out, and don't be concerned about seeking professional help to manage. I already see a counsellor and discussing my mare has really helped a lot. Your feelings are in no way unusual.

I am thinking of you; one day, we'll look back on our happy memories and smile, it's just not time yet.
 
I lost my mare in July and still can't look at the last photos of her on my phone. Don't think I'll ever stop missing her, or the others that I've lost before.
Each time I think of her, it's like a short sharp shock, an involuntary gasp of sadness. I actually welcome these moments because it illustrates how much she was loved and a loved horse, was a lucky horse.
It would be so sad, if it was easy to forget them. . The memories of happier times are the gift of grief.
 
I lost my old girl in the Spring and the pain was indescribable.

I've only just now found myself able to look at pictures of her without that kick-in-the-guts feeling. I still feel sad but it's more bearable now.

I know it's a terrible cliche but time really is a healer. You'll get through this, I promise, but it'll hurt for a while.

Xx
 
So sad to read this. I would set yourself some goals. If it's about weight loss why not do something like signing up to a 5 (or 10!)km and training for that, starting yoga (which will also help with grief) or committing to a class a few days a week at the gym? This will give you a new focus and I often find when I have a lot on my mind exercising is a lot easier and more rewarding...as you can take the pain and turn it into physical exhaustion - not sure if that makes sense but there's no better feeling than being sweaty and exhausted at the end of a workout when you're having a bad day. xxx
 
I really feel for you. When I lost my horse it was only knowing I had the others to look after that stopped me doing myself in. If he'd been my only horse then I daresay I would not have gone on

With that cheery thought could you get another one quickly, a rescue perhaps or something that really needs you?
 
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a funny thing. Everyone has to handle it in their own way and own time. And some days will be better and some days something will trigger the grief and the crying. If you need to see a grief therapist. Take care of yourself.
 
Get a shetland! Not only will they cheer you up with their antics they will also keep you fit by chasing the little blighters around when they escape or won't be caught! They love going on adventures so you can go out walking and take them showing. If you have/know of a wee kid you could do lead rein showing or you could break it to drive. Everyone should have a shetland in their lives!
 
You need to be kinder to yourself. It's only been 3 months and what you describe sounds normal to me! It's really sad and it's ok to be sad about it. I've lost a few over the years but, after one particular horse went, I cried every day for a year. I was so incredibly sad and nothing could change that. Let your friends help. True friends won't mind you crying at random moments.
 
I lost my mare in February I still get upset about it . I had her at home for 15 years so see her everywhere in her favourite places. I am lucky enough to have other horses so am still busy. I imagine it must be a very difficult situation if you have nothing to fill the space . I think trying to keep busy in whatever you can does help.xx
 
So sorry that you are having a tough time. I lost Diva just over a year ago and I still miss her so much that it hurts. In fact, I can’t really think much about her still as it just seems so unreal that she’s gone.
I’ve lost many horses, but losing her was just awful. She was my soul mate.
I’ve found that keeping busy helps, but I do have other horses to help with that.
Hugs xx
 
flow said:
3 months ago I had my mare PTS due to her arthritis pain.
I thought things got easier with time but as time goes by I’m finding things harder.
I know in the grand scheme of things 3 months isn’t a long time but I can’t even look at her pictures without crying my eyes out.
I’m getting a small amount of horse contact by helping out once a week with a friends horse. She has an amazing mare but all I find myself doing is comparing her to my mare.
I have piled on the lbs too through comfort eating and lack of chores the yard.
I wondered if you guys had some tips to help the grieving process ❤️
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been there in your shoes 4 times, 1995 2007,2012,2015 it does not get easier I miss all my 4 mares every day, cry for them too when their song some up, can't get rid of their stuff including tack. No words for you apart from hugs and feel for you .:( when I lost one , I had another already to grieve on and cry on. Have you tried rescue remedy or such like
 
I'm so sorry and understand how much it must hurt - I couldn't say my horse's name for a year. But don't hold back from riding, horses are great healers and the good ones will help you move on from this stage of grieving when you feel ready. xx
 
Can you buy/rescue another? When I lost my special horse, I was off sick for 4 months and honestly thought about ending it all. I then bought back his son that I had bred and sold as a 2 year old and he is now my special chap. If anything happened to him though, I wouldn't get another. Time does help .... mostly.
 
Am feeling very much for you OP; it will soon be the anniversary later this month of when I had my two oldies PTS; we did them both on the same day as that was the kindest thing to do, so I can feel your pain very much as I'm feeling a bit fragile too right now.

Two years ago (again, anniversary approaching, near Xmas), I lost my mum, and immediately had to get my arse in gear and out to find a job; which I now have, but TBH I'm not sure I went through the grieving process for her in the way that was best, and sometimes feeling her loss makes me a bit leary.

So dealing with grief in the right way is important, and whether we are talking about a human or an animal which is precious to us, it is a process: and this process has several stages ranging from the "Acute" Stage which is the immediate sense of loss and shock, and then going through to the "Acceptance" stage, and then eventually moving on to being "Able" to deal with the loss. This process and the time is takes is individual to everyone, there is no "set" period of time in which this should all happen, but it cannot be bypassed.

I did have two other horses (one a youngster, the other a project) after they'd gone, so it wasn't as bad as not having any horses as I was kept busy. This is the key to dealing with grief, I believe. Its not about a frenzied "must-do" sense of feeling rushed or pressured, but something that needs to be a natural process; and doesn't have or need to be anything to do with horses, you may feel that you cannot deal with being around other horses right now as that accentuates the sense of loss you feel, and I think you need to tell yourself that this is OK, if you decide to stay away from horses for a bit.

OR....... you may - when you feel ready - decide that you DO feel able to integrate with other horses again, and this may be your chance to perhaps try a new equestrian discipline, something that you haven't tried before and wouldn't ever have tried, and something for which you don't need your own horse, like say, Western or Side Saddle riding where you could go for some sessions and taste-and-see. Or perhaps Driving, or Polo..... whatever.

But, for now, all this is perhaps too far ahead. Grieving is a process, and I think you need to be gentle with yourself for a while and allow the grief to come out of your system. It isn't an easy process, but it needs to happen and you need to be gentle with yourself and allow your system to process what has happened and the loss involved. You may find that something gentle like art or crafts, or something creative where you're not necessarily thinking about horses, might help you.

Perhaps, for your weight issue, you could consider joining an exercise class near you which would give you an added social dimension. Perhaps swimming? Or again, something you've not tried before like joining a Running Club, or similar. Or maybe something gentler like Tai Chi or Stretch-and-Tone, or whatever.

In due course, when you are ready, and ONLY when you feel ready, you may perhaps feel that you can consider getting another horse; that isn't in any way over-riding the memory of what you have lost and in any way putting that into a bottom-drawer, but it just might be that there is a lovely horse "out there" some time in the future, that has your name-tag on its bridle. Do be aware though, that the first time you ride another horse after losing one, it is liable to break you up; it did me when I got on another horse after I'd lost my lovely old boy several horses back, and I ended up having to get off as I just felt sooohhh disloyal......... and in floods of tears. So just warning you on this one, you might just feel a bit wobbly so the first horse you ride needs to be a "nice" ride, if that makes sense.

Bless you, just feeling for you. I still shed a tear for my old pony when his anniversary comes round, and that was 34 years ago.

(edited) Just to say OP that if you find you are really really struggling, then there ARE people that can help; most vets surgeries will be able to tell you about services who provide support and/or counselling for those struggling with the loss of a pet; there is no stigma attached, this is something that is increasingly being recognised.
 
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It is very hard, and there is some sound advice above. I am still feeling the loss of my mare in August very keenly so I have every sympathy. I am lucky in a way that I have the other ponies (section A and C instead of shetlands ;) ) to keep me going horse wise.
Otherwise I just keep plodding on, put a smile on for work and keep going. Not always easy.
 
I'm 8 months on from losing my old mare and time does help. I had my young mare to keep me going and I've just got a second horse again a couple of weeks ago. The old girl was a grey Anglo Arab so I've gone for a chestnut cob gelding so he's completely different to help with the comparison thing.

It's been really tough and I still have days when I want to just pack in all in. I'm hoping that it will continue to get easier.

If I hadn't had the second horse when I lost Poppy (just typing her real name makes me cry!) I think I would have found it much harder. You've had some very good advice above though.

I'm so sorry for your loss. X
 
It is so hard and the grieving process is a strange one. I lost my mum when I was 22 and my only horse had to be left behind when I moved 400 miles from home. I never saw either again dad refused to let us go to mums funeral so I never grieved properly or got closure. Now 40 odd years later it is still hard to grieve for things its almost like its not allowed. The point being please get councelling or allow yourself time to grieve it is very very important that you do. Take care of you and there is a lot of good advice on here but only and when you are ready you will have fond memories of the fun you had together in a kind of bitter sweet way
 
I had my mare in foal PTS with lipoma colic. I bought her as a two year old, and although she was the herd witch I miss her a lot.
Everyone is different, when it happened I hardly cried, sometimes I get a bit teary about it. I think a good blub
is cathartic for me.
I have a lot of oldies so its happened before but when I lost a younger horse I got a rescue, not because I needed another one, just to make sure something positive came out of it.
There are stages of grieving, but for me doing something positive makes it easier.
My dad died when I was 20 in front of me, all I can say is that thinking of positive things doesn’t make them go away, it makes your life and their life worth while.
 
3 years ago I lost my boy suddenly to colic. In the following weeks I made a collage of my favourite photos of him, had a stock pin made with his tail hair and bought a rose in his colours. I also had the other pony to deal with so it kept me going. Now I remember the happy times and only flinch a little when I drive passed the vet surgery where it all happened. As others have said it does get better allow your self to grieve in what ever way you need to.
 
I'm sorry lass.

Time. I've lost horses over the years and some days for no apparent reason I just ache for them. Time has made it more bearable and I admit I don't think about them all too much if I can help it as, if I'm in the wrong mood, I just get so bloody sad that they all went before what should've been their time. They were loved and looked after, I just wish they were still here.

Sorry. Not much use really, other than to say it does, on the whole, get better with time.
 
it's almost a year since I lost Mr B, it was a huge shock as I had no warning and was completely unprepared, it was one of the worst evenings of my life and if I dwell on what happened I would still feel very upset, but I try not to. I bought a new horse very quickly, not to replace him but to keep me riding and because I felt so totally lost and empty without him. I still miss him but I focus not on the loss I feel but on what he gave me and how lucky I was to have him in my life. I'll often spend time looking at photos of him. Do you think you might have depression as this can greatly reduce our resilience in dealing with what life throws at us? I think if you spoke to your GP you might find that will get help to find a way through your sadness. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.
 
Sorry for your loss. There are some very poignant threads on here today. Im following in your footsteps with my mare at the moment. Ive lost my favourite dog and one of my best friends this year, plus nearly lost my husband (3 hospital trips, 3 major ops, sepsis etc) and my mum has had two minor heart ops and a cancer diagnisis, so Ive comfort eaten a lot too this year, probably put on two stone.. You've got to cope with things however you can. It takes as long as it takes.. 12 weeks isnt long really. If youre not going to get another horse perhaps do something that gets you active via a charity? Dog walking for a rescue etc? Start your own ball rolling and make a small step. Time will heal eventually. When we lost our last lab suddenly i was v upset for a good six months, but 18 months on i can look back with a smile now.
 
Honey08 said:
Sorry for your loss. There are some very poignant threads on here today. Im following in your footsteps with my mare at the moment. Ive lost my favourite dog and one of my best friends this year, plus nearly lost my husband (3 hospital trips, 3 major ops, sepsis etc) and my mum has had two minor heart ops and a cancer diagnisis, so Ive comfort eaten a lot too this year, probably put on two stone.. You've got to cope with things however you can. It takes as long as it takes.. 12 weeks isnt long really. If youre not going to get another horse perhaps do something that gets you active via a charity? Dog walking for a rescue etc? Start your own ball rolling and make a small step. Time will heal eventually. When we lost our last lab suddenly i was v upset for a good six months, but 18 months on i can look back with a smile now.
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You and i have had some year !! Mine is very similar to yours!

OP time is a great healer and it is always going to hurt, throw yourself in and get yourself busy with another 😍
 
i lost ,my mare in 2016 and my dog 13 days later..i was devastated and ..i thought i would never have another horse but someone my YO knew wanted a loan home for an ex hunter.....i had her for 2 years and she really helped me to cope with the loss of the other 2....i had to give her back as i am pretty old and physically couldnt manage the hard work involved any more. i have now put weight on as i dont do as much exercise but also got a new dog and walk further so not as bad as i could be. 3 months is not long and i can still get upset 3 years on. dont be too hard on yourself as its much too early to be fully recovered from the shock of losing your horse,,we all cope in different ways but if you have a dig rescue not too far away you could volunteer to help....
 
dogatemysalad said:
I lost my mare in July and still can't look at the last photos of her on my phone. Don't think I'll ever stop missing her, or the others that I've lost before.
Each time I think of her, it's like a short sharp shock, an involuntary gasp of sadness. I actually welcome these moments because it illustrates how much she was loved and a loved horse, was a lucky horse.
It would be so sad, if it was easy to forget them. . The memories of happier times are the gift of grief.
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A loved horse was a lucky horse.I like that.
 
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