Struggling with a difficult decision - to sell or not

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Dufus

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Hello, just looking for some advice on whether to sell or not.

I have owned my mare for 8 years and she has been through it with injuries but is sound and has a clean bill of health now but I just can't get back into riding her, I just don't enjoy it and find it a chore to force myself to ride for the sake of both our waist lines.

I don't know if I feel this way because I split with my partner last year and we sold our house and I'm now lucky enough to rent a house on the farm where I keep my horse, I feel like I'm living my childhood dream however I can barely afford to keep a roof over my head as managing on one wage is almost impossible, I have no family members or friends I could move in with so moving house isn't an option.

And now I feel like I just don't enjoy her at all, I spend barely any time out on the yard with her and I just get the basic jobs done and back in the house, I live in fear of another vet bill as I just couldn't pay it, I couldn't even borrow the money and because of previous injuries she has exclusions to her insurance.

I have thought about loaning but from a financial point of view I worry about someone injuring her and then I still won't be able to pay a vet bill for her so would be no better off.

So I have decided that maybe it's time to let her go if I can find the perfect home, someone who has time and has the money to make sure she has everything she needs and doesn't have to do without and someone who will enjoy her and spend time with her and love her as much as I do.

Has anyone else felt the same and gone through with selling? and coped with it and felt like no matter how sad it is that the decision was right for the horse and they have a better life?

Sorry it was long winded and please no nasty comments the decision is hard enough and I already feel like a terrible person as it is.

Thank you
 
I would sell her. It will give you a chance to regroup, financially, and saving while owning a horse is never an option.
She can be sold to someone who will love and appreciate her and both of you will be happier.
It is too expensive and draining to not be enjoyable.
 
You have been through a lot in a year and what a year last year was anyway.

It is very hard managing on a single wage (I know, I am in the same position), you have no back up and the buck stops with you. However, that is also an empowering situation in many ways, you can make the choices that suit you and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

What do you enjoy about your horse? If you don't like riding, don't ride, there are other ways to exercise her. I haven't ridden my mare for a fortnight and she is a bit chunky but she is currently rugless to lose weight and we are quite happy to do some lunging or long reining instead.

Would it be worth moving to a cheaper property to rent? Yes, you would need to travel a bit to see your horse but if you could significantly reduce your housing outgoings, it may help.

I guess your other option may be a long-term loan, which may allow you to save some money. It has to the decision that you are comfortable with though and if you feel that selling her would be best for both of you in the long run, then that is the right decision for you.
 
meleeka said:
What will you do instead? You sound as if you are down about life (no surprise, you’ve been through a lot!) so could it be that you are lacking motivation about everything, not just the horse?
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Hi, I'm not sure really, I work full time so by the time I have finished work and then gone to the gym (or done a home workout at the min) it's usually getting late so I just have tea, shower and go to bed! Got to admit everyday is like ground hog day although I'm very lucky to be able to go out and muck out on my lunch break whilst working from home so that gets it out the way.

I think everyone is down at the moment aren't they? But I probably have felt like this for a while and kept thinking that when our house was sold I would get the bug back or when the pandemic was over I would or when I was living on site I would but I'm just not ☹ and I worry more about not being able to cover bills for my mare than I worry about being sad and missing her but then I equally worry about letting her go to the wrong home or something happening in the future to her , I just don't know what to do, can I live with the guilt if I sell her is what I keep asking myself ☹
 
I find the decision to sell is really difficult, especially if you intended to give the horse a long term home.
For things to work, it has to be the right horse for the right person at the right time. Unlike most pets, horses often don't stay in one home for life, and it's good that they can move on to where they are a better match for that stage in their life or their owner's.
Sell her - you may be relieved and happy to find her a fab new place, and it will give you time to sort things out for yourself.
There will be plenty more horses waiting if you decide in time to get yourself another.
 
If you are just not enjoying any aspect of owning her then I would sell. It sounds as if you need time to come to terms with all that has happened recently - apart from the pandemic - and make some decisions about how you are going to take life forward. It's never wrong to take time over such big decisions but it might help if "horse ownership" were out of the equation if that is one aspect that is troubling you.
 
Griffin said:
You have been through a lot in a year and what a year last year was anyway.

It is very hard managing on a single wage (I know, I am in the same position), you have no back up and the buck stops with you. However, that is also an empowering situation in many ways, you can make the choices that suit you and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

What do you enjoy about your horse? If you don't like riding, don't ride, there are other ways to exercise her. I haven't ridden my mare for a fortnight and she is a bit chunky but she is currently rugless to lose weight and we are quite happy to do some lunging or long reining instead.

Would it be worth moving to a cheaper property to rent? Yes, you would need to travel a bit to see your horse but if you could significantly reduce your housing outgoings, it may help.

I guess your other option may be a long-term loan, which may allow you to save some money. It has to the decision that you are comfortable with though and if you feel that selling her would be best for both of you in the long run, then that is the right decision for you.
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I just don't enjoy anything to do with her at the moment, I tend not to lunge as she's 17.1hh and I worry it will strain her joints a bit but I have done some in hand stuff with her.

I would struggle to find somewhere cheaper as the rent is very reasonable and the added bonus is no travel costs to see to my mare ?

I just can't workout If I don't enjoy her because I just don't enjoy it anymore or if is because the financial pressure is too much, I take my hat off to you for managing on a single wage. I would never have stayed with my partner for financial reasons and he has moved on and found a new girlfriend so it was definitely the right thing but there are times where I question whether the relationship was so bad that this was a better option because right now it's not feeling like it ☹

Thank you for your kind words, I think if I wasn't living hand to mouth I would feel empowered! But there are days where I think my relationship has gone , my in laws (to be) have gone, my house has gone, he kept the dog so she has gone (although she comes for sleep overs) and all I have left is my horse but if its right for her then I am happy to let her go to someone who can give her a better life as don't want to selfishly hold onto her but equally don't want to find myself regretting it of my financial situation was to change but then that is highly unlikely
 
Dufus said:
I just don't enjoy anything to do with her at the moment, I tend not to lunge as she's 17.1hh and I worry it will strain her joints a bit but I have done some in hand stuff with her.

I would struggle to find somewhere cheaper as the rent is very reasonable and the added bonus is no travel costs to see to my mare ?

I just can't workout If I don't enjoy her because I just don't enjoy it anymore or if is because the financial pressure is too much, I take my hat off to you for managing on a single wage. I would never have stayed with my partner for financial reasons and he has moved on and found a new girlfriend so it was definitely the right thing but there are times where I question whether the relationship was so bad that this was a better option because right now it's not feeling like it ☹

Thank you for your kind words, I think if I wasn't living hand to mouth I would feel empowered! But there are days where I think my relationship has gone , my in laws (to be) have gone, my house has gone, he kept the dog so she has gone (although she comes for sleep overs) and all I have left is my horse but if its right for her then I am happy to let her go to someone who can give her a better life as don't want to selfishly hold onto her but equally don't want to find myself regretting it of my financial situation was to change but then that is highly unlikely
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How about a sharer in the short term? You’ll get a financial contribution but it won’t be final?
 
JunoJones said:
I find the decision to sell is really difficult, especially if you intended to give the horse a long term home.
For things to work, it has to be the right horse for the right person at the right time. Unlike most pets, horses often don't stay in one home for life, and it's good that they can move on to where they are a better match for that stage in their life or their owner's.
Sell her - you may be relieved and happy to find her a fab new place, and it will give you time to sort things out for yourself.
There will be plenty more horses waiting if you decide in time to get yourself another.
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Thank you, that does put it into perspective from my horses point of view and perhaps she isn't so reliant and attached to me a I think she might be.

I will never have another horse, she is my last one and if I sell her all of her stuff will be going with her and my stuff will be sold or tipped.

I have accepted that I will never be comfortably able to afford a horse and I'm ok with that going forward but I just need to make the right decision for my mare now , in hindsight I should never have bought her but in some ways she plugged the gap of a failing relationship all that time ago and she owes me nothing but I owe her everything to make sure she is happy, healthy and taken care off and knowing I can't give her that breaks my heart.

I think I know that I need to sell though and as long as she is ok then I think I will be ok.
 
meleeka said:
How about a sharer in the short term? You’ll get a financial contribution but it won’t be final?
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Yes I did look into that but then had a few enquiries from people who just wanted to gallop around the countryside basically! And because she moves well and has the sweetest nature I had people interested who weren't capable at all but thought they would "wing" it I think.

I may be wrong and could have an incorrect view of it but I feel like I would find her a better quality home for her if I sell her , thats possibly because i've had bad loan experiences with my previous horse and I know if I wanted a horse and was financially capable of keeping one I would buy one and wouldn't loan, but perhaps that is my incorrect view towards loaning.

It makes me feel worse as I kept my old mare until she was put to sleep and have never sold any of my other animals, they have been with me to the end
 
from everything you have said, honestly i think i would sell her if i were in your shoes.
I have been in your position stressing out over how to keep all the plates spinning on one wage and it can get overwhelming, the stress kept me awake at night and i was miserable all the time.

I know you said she will be your last horse, but you do never know what's round the corner. You can always return to it, even as a sharer yourself if you wanted less financial commitment. in the meantime it would give you a chance to get on top of things and spend a bit of time doing things you enjoy. you've had a big life change, it's normal to reassess things.
 
I would sell. Regroup, take some of the burden off those shoulders and get back on track. You can love a horse and sell it, I know, i sold two when i started a new job and knew the pressure would make me and them miserable (or them totally wasted in a field)

With no horse you can find a nice rich farmer and once you marry him you can surround yourself with ponies for the rest of your life :D Win win :D Joking aside, chin up x
 
I'd get a sharer, it can be short term while you see if the extra time and money help / make you change your mind / or focus your decision to sell.

I had to sort through some awful ones (1 jumped at Hickstead but couldn't canter / wash down and went off in a huff when I rang her to ask what she'd done with my grey mare because she was in the field soaked in black stripes) before I found a gem and although she doesn't share any more she really helped me out timewise and financially when I needed it. I'd worry about selling her now as everything else has changed so much for you. Do you have a RI you can ask about a sharer - they may know someone ? Or the local Riding Club etc ? Or any of the other liveries - one of them may know someone ?

Good luck anyway.
 
So sorry to hear you have had a tough year or two.
As your mare is sound perhaps now is the time to sell her. It is a good time to sell and she sounds like she is a lovely horse. I do get your reluctance, as once they are sold you have no control over their lives, but there are some lovely people out there who would enjoy having your mare as their own.
Just be wary of selling her, and then finding that you have lost a bigger part of your life than you expected. Having a horse gives your life a structure and purpose, even if you are not riding, Mind you, you can possibly get the same sense of purpose and structure from owning a dog, and they have the added bonus of sleeping on your bed at night :-)
 
Scotsbadboy said:
I would sell. Regroup, take some of the burden off those shoulders and get back on track. You can love a horse and sell it, I know, i sold two when i started a new job and knew the pressure would make me and them miserable (or them totally wasted in a field)

With no horse you can find a nice rich farmer and once you marry him you can surround yourself with ponies for the rest of your life :D Win win :D Joking aside, chin up x
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Ha ha thank you, that made me laugh ? I don't think I want any more ponies ever again! Guinea pigs are my new passion and I plan to live my life as a crazy old single guinea pig lady because I'm done with men and I'm done with financially living outside of my means!
 
Tarragon said:
So sorry to hear you have had a tough year or two.
As your mare is sound perhaps now is the time to sell her. It is a good time to sell and she sounds like she is a lovely horse. I do get your reluctance, as once they are sold you have no control over their lives, but there are some lovely people out there who would enjoy having your mare as their own.
Just be wary of selling her, and then finding that you have lost a bigger part of your life than you expected. Having a horse gives your life a structure and purpose, even if you are not riding, Mind you, you can possibly get the same sense of purpose and structure from owning a dog, and they have the added bonus of sleeping on your bed at night :)
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Thank you, she will be sold (possibly) With a fill run down of injuries and a Copy of her current insurance listing her exclusions so that I know she is going to the right person who is aware of her history and happy to accept that and isn't then going to try and pass her on with some rubbish excuse of not knowing her history ( this worries me and keeps me awake at night as have heard some nightmare stories from other ppl)

But yes that is a massive worry that at some point when I pull my head out my a**e that I realise I have done a terrible thing in selling her as she's totally irreplaceable but I do have faith that there are good people out there who will love her and give her what I can't.

If only our horses could sleep on our beds at night! Would save a fortune on livery costs lol.
 
zandp said:
I'd get a sharer, it can be short term while you see if the extra time and money help / make you change your mind / or focus your decision to sell.

I had to sort through some awful ones (1 jumped at Hickstead but couldn't canter / wash down and went off in a huff when I rang her to ask what she'd done with my grey mare because she was in the field soaked in black stripes) before I found a gem and although she doesn't share any more she really helped me out timewise and financially when I needed it. I'd worry about selling her now as everything else has changed so much for you. Do you have a RI you can ask about a sharer - they may know someone ? Or the local Riding Club etc ? Or any of the other liveries - one of them may know someone ?

Good luck anyway.
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Ha ha that made me giggle , I hope that I would get a feeling for anyone coming to view or loan her but some people do talk a good talk and i'm bound to end up with a dingbat who kills themselves and my poor horse! Which the thought of is just terrifying!

I don't have a riding instructor per say as haven't been able to afford lessons for a long while but I think she might be open to helping me find someone as she's a very nice lady so might get in touch with her.
 
I think it would be best to sell your horse. Once you have done this you can stablalize your self financially and perhaps get your self another dog instead. A dog makes you get up, go out and perhaps meet up (Covid allowing) with other dog walking people. Working from home and living on a farm gives you a lovely base, with out the pressure of horse owning maybe you could start to enjoy life again.
 
So sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time, I can imagine how it would affect your enjoyment of everything, not just horses.

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about if you decide to look for a good home for her and take a break. Hopefully without the financial pressure you will be feel a bit better, and you don't need to make a decision now about never having another horse, we really don't know what is around the corner.

As you are living on the farm are there perhaps other liveries who would let you ride from time to time in exchange for you lending a hand? There are many other ways to enjoy horses than owning them, and if you have to constantly worry about vets bills it is not much fun.

Take care of yourself, and whatever you decide I hope that you are soon feeling better about life.
 
You're having to make a very hard decision. It sounds as though you would sell her if a suitable new owner came along. Let a few people, like your old instructor, farrier, other suitable contacts know that she is for sale. You will know when the right person turns up and make the final decision then.
 
Winters100 said:
So sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time, I can imagine how it would affect your enjoyment of everything, not just horses.

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about if you decide to look for a good home for her and take a break. Hopefully without the financial pressure you will be feel a bit better, and you don't need to make a decision now about never having another horse, we really don't know what is around the corner.

As you are living on the farm are there perhaps other liveries who would let you ride from time to time in exchange for you lending a hand? There are many other ways to enjoy horses than owning them, and if you have to constantly worry about vets bills it is not much fun.

Take care of yourself, and whatever you decide I hope that you are soon feeling better about life.
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Thank you for your lovely reply, I'm touched by the nice replies and advice on this post.

It has made me realise that there are good people out there who will love her as much as I do and give her more than I can.

I think I will pull together an advert this weekend for her and put it out there, I suppose I don't have to sell her if no one "suitable " turns up but if they do I hope that I have a gut feeling they are right and that they would be open to keeping in touch, it would make me so happy and proud if someone was to get out competing on her and doing pleasure rides and all the things I had hoped to do with her and if they could let me follow their journey then I couldn't wish for anymore really ?
 
I'm with the idea of sharer, or as we call it; part or full loan. At least that way you're more certain to see her still and can have the pressure of taking care of her, and cost reduced if not gone altogether and can still do what you want with her and even have her back should the time ever come that you might want to. For me they are like family, like your pet dog, so I beg to differ on those who claim it's not like that because honestly? and I'm pretty sure I speak for alot of people around here when I say; horses are like family to us!
Frankly I find this alot better to share/loan your horse than to sell them as they could be past on from pillar to post in some cases, or god forbid land up with a really bad owner, or seller/breeder, and that so-called forever home may never even come for some horses. And I say so-called because as much as some people like to fantasize and wish for these kind of things for their horses the truth is it is quite a slim chance, especially considering how many people, just like yourself, change their mind and/or simply cannot keep up with the requirements, maintenance and upkeep. Got to take the pros with the cons as they say. Anyway, that's my two-cense on the subject. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
 
Obv it’s very personal and sometimes it’s difficult if you’re in a bad place mentally regarding other things or circumstances.

Not the same position as you but I did sell in order to give my horse a better future and more suitable home. I really cared for him and he had been so good for me, and I was reluctant to sell, but he was also not suited to what I wanted to do. I wanted him to be in a home where he’d do what he loved and be cared for. So whilst there is a risk with selling, there are good homes out there. In his case, I sold him to his sharer, who become his loaner, and then his owner.
 
My response when reading your post is why wouldn't you sell? You are not enjoying having the horse, she is sound and presumably in a reasonably saleable condition and you are short of money. I think you need to put yourself first here and take those pressures away. In your shoes, I would sell, or at least try to. If you put her on the market but don't find a buyer then the decision is made for you. Once you have regrouped, you can consider your options if find you miss horses and riding but you will have a better idea and will have saved some money in the meantime.
 
milliepops said:
from everything you have said, honestly i think i would sell her if i were in your shoes.
I have been in your position stressing out over how to keep all the plates spinning on one wage and it can get overwhelming, the stress kept me awake at night and i was miserable all the time.

I know you said she will be your last horse, but you do never know what's round the corner. You can always return to it, even as a sharer yourself if you wanted less financial commitment. in the meantime it would give you a chance to get on top of things and spend a bit of time doing things you enjoy. you've had a big life change, it's normal to reassess things.
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This. Having another life (of any description) to care for and struggling financially to do it is brutal if you are the sort of person (like me) who is affected by it. And after a while that constant worry starts to scar permanently. Even though I am comfortably off now I still have panic attacks a few times a year about being able to afford XY or z for horses or dogs, even though logically it's a ridiculous concern.

Sell the horse, save yourself the grey hairs and see where life takes you from there.
 
I think I'd probably sell.
I did it (including renting on the yard very reasonably) while only just being able to afford it as the horse was already 21 so I knew I wouldn't be there indefinitely as it wouldn't have suited a retiree.

I've been essentially without one for the last 4 years (I am V lucky that in part due to transport distances/in part ability to tailor management he is now retired with my mum, who does still technically own him lol).

I've found that I haven't terribly missed it, particularly the day in day out bit, I've had plenty of other things to fill my time with and managed to buy a house - I did miss the people dreadfully. I've only really missed riding when I've gone ridden again and realise I do lol. I get a horsey fix by helping Rara on here with the carriage ones and have very recently started riding with another HHO friend who moved herself and her horses closer to me and I'd lost some weight.

But I'm still really not sure I would definitely want my own again.
 
Different circumstances, but I sold my horse when I realised we wanted different things out of life and we'd both be happier going our separate ways. It was really stressful as I really cared about him, but it was also absolutely the right decision.

I sold him through a reputable dealer and was confident she'd find him the right home; I didn't want to know who bought him as I needed a clean break. Several years later a friend spotted him on a popular Instagram account and he's clearly living his dream and is loved and well cared for. He's happier than he ever was with me. Just sharing to give some reassurance that selling can have a happy ending ☺️
 
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