Telling someone they can no longer use your horse

[AmyMay]

Just be careful about telling this person that you want to be the only person riding your horse. You may want other friends or an instructor to ride. They need to be aware that you specifically do not want her riding the horse - that’s the message that needs to get across.

It doesn't matter what she tells her. It's her horse.

 

[JFTDWS]

Personally, I would avoid thanking her for riding your horse, or saying you "no longer need her" to ride it - it implies she was doing you a favour and you "owe her". I certainly wouldn't be buying her anything. It's simpler all round to have a clinical and frank statement that you weren't happy with her lending him to friends, riding more than she was offered, and not following your feeding regime. All of these are valid concerns, and make it clear that she is in the wrong. If you apologise or thank her, she may well think it's fair game to pester you about borrowing your horse in future (or worse, do it anyway), or whine about you taking advantage / not paying her for exercising him to mutual friends or other liveries.

 

[Cecile]

I suspect the difficulty here with how it is dealt with is they are both on the same yard, WW3 can break out on some yards if a wheelbarrow is moved, yards should be an enjoyable place
This situation is very different to a share at your own property or taking back a loan horse from someone you are unhappy about, this started as a kind gesture by the OP and has turned sour,
somehow the situation has to be handled diplomatically or one or the other will end up feeling that they need to leave the yard due to stress, tension and bad feeling ... OP seems to want to try to deal with this as best she can
with lots of good advice from people on here, I admire the OP for asking for advice and thinking hard about how to deal with this situation........ I would probably have gone off like a stick of dynamite which would not bode well if I was on a shared yard, I loose the connection between my brain and tongue with situations like the OP is describing

 

[Ambers Echo]

Personally, I would avoid thanking her for riding your horse, or saying you "no longer need her" to ride it - it implies she was doing you a favour and you "owe her". I certainly wouldn't be buying her anything. It's simpler all round to have a clinical and frank statement that you weren't happy with her lending him to friends, riding more than she was offered, and not following your feeding regime. All of these are valid concerns, and make it clear that she is in the wrong. If you apologise or thank her, she may well think it's fair game to pester you about borrowing your horse in future (or worse, do it anyway), or whine about you taking advantage / not paying her for exercising him to mutual friends or other liveries.

This 1000%!
It does not have to be hostile but she's significantly overstepped the mark and should know that. If she is genuinely clueless about acceptable vs unacceptable behaviour then you are giving her the opportunity to learn something (whether or not she does learn from it). If she knows she's taking the mick then at least it didn't pay off for her long term so she may think twice in future before taking advantage again.

 

[Cortez]

This thread is driving me mad. FGS just tell the girl not to ride your horse any more and get on with it.

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

This thread is driving me mad. FGS just tell the girl not to ride your horse any more and get on with it.

Tactless as ever.

Why upset someone or start tension on a yard when it can be avoided, especially when OP has to go up there everyday and see to her horse and most like see this person. Regardless of what this lady did, there are more polite ways to end someone's riding or loaning their horse than being rude or hurtful.

 

[Cortez]

Tactless as ever.

Why upset someone or start tension on a yard when it can be avoided, especially when OP has to go up there everyday and see to her horse and most like see this person. Regardless of what this lady did, there are more polite ways to end someone's riding or loaning their horse than being rude or hurtful.

There is no need to be rude; just tell the girl that you don't want her to ride the horse any more. If she asks why, tell her. No need to keep fannying around with half truths, "nice" lies and dishonest, saccharine-coated excuses. Communication is about conveying meaning.

 

[Lucyloo162]

This feels very similar to a situation I was in, I had a part loan that I didn't need to pay for (she wouldn't let me) I'd been riding her horse and looking after the other two for a few months when I had a phone call saying "It's not you it's me". If she had told me what, if it actually was me, the issue was, I would have been able to change either with her or with another loan. Now I'm just left missing those beautiful ponies. Always better to explain what you're thinking so they understand what's caused what.

 

[The Fuzzy Furry]

I mean feeding when I don't want him fed! He is a ridiculously good doer! He is currently living out 24/7 unrugged and is a very good weight for this time of year. He will live on fresh air. Ive explained that I am strict with what he is fed and how often due to my concern with his weight. He will only have a tiny handful (and I do mean literally a handful) of low calorie hard feed after hes been ridden. The rest of the time he is just getting the grass in his paddock, which obviously this time of year isn't a massive amount but enough that he has grass to pick at without gorging himself 24/7.
She has been bringing him in almost every day, giving him feed, and or taking feed/treats up to the field to him. She is aware of my concerns for his weight but obviously feels she knows better.
For those who asked her age she is in her late teens.
I will be having a conversation with her over the weekend. As much as she is a lovely girl and isn't doing anything out of malice, I need to put my horse first.
Will let you know the outcome everyone. Again many thanks for all the replies

Have you had the conversation yet? Hope it went ok

 

[Wagtail]

Once when my horse was out of action for a few months, a friend let me ride her mare. My friend was not at the same standard as I was as tended to either hack or just go round the school with her horse hollow, where as I was competing at dressage and show jumping and had regular lessons. At first she seemed pleased that her horse was receiving some proper schooling and now working correctly over her back. But then as time went on and I started to teach her some more advanced schooling such as walk to canter and shoulder in, my friend just took me aside and said she no longer wanted me to ride her. She was completely frank about why, saying that she felt jealous that her mare was learning all these new things and she wanted to be the one teaching her. I was grateful that she had been so honest, and although I was disappointed that I had no horse to ride, I completely understood where she was coming from so did not take offence. So my advice would be to just tell her the truth.

 

[Theocat]

There is no need to be rude; just tell the girl that you don't want her to ride the horse any more. If she asks why, tell her. No need to keep fannying around with half truths, "nice" lies and dishonest, saccharine-coated excuses. Communication is about conveying meaning.

Yes, but communication is almost always - as in this case - an ongoing dialogue. They need to get on after the girl stops riding as they share a yard. Human beings aren't all logical enough just to accept a telling and get on with life, and if the odd white lie oils the wheels of daily interaction, it's a small price to pay!

Although the fact that this person has been letting others ride is a clear enough reason and ought to be accepted without murmur in any case ...

 

[Flicker]

It doesn't matter what she tells her. It's her horse.

My point exactly. Lying or half truths just make a difficult conversation harder in the long term because they obscure the true message.

 

[poiuytrewq]

No. She's taken the pee and has let others ride the horse without permission. She has made the owner feel like the horse is not their horse anymore. The arrangement must stop completely IMO.

The OP can be very polite and kind when they bring the arrangement to an end and I definitely understand about avoiding confrontation and not wanting an atmosphere at the yard, but the horse is the OP's horse and they have the right to stop the 'share'.

I agree! Tbh though the first time my proper sharer (years ago) posted a photo of her and friends riding my horse on fb i put a stop to it. So rude to allow other people use of him. Completely overstepping a mark and, although i too avoid confrontation usually in this case i'd be so p'd off i'd no longer care!

 

[Goldenstar]

My point exactly. Lying or half truths just make a difficult conversation harder in the long term because they obscure the true message.

Exactly
OP have you done the deed yet I hope it went ok .

 

[rascal]

I mean feeding when I don't want him fed! He is a ridiculously good doer! He is currently living out 24/7 unrugged and is a very good weight for this time of year. He will live on fresh air. Ive explained that I am strict with what he is fed and how often due to my concern with his weight. He will only have a tiny handful (and I do mean literally a handful) of low calorie hard feed after hes been ridden. The rest of the time he is just getting the grass in his paddock, which obviously this time of year isn't a massive amount but enough that he has grass to pick at without gorging himself 24/7.
She has been bringing him in almost every day, giving him feed, and or taking feed/treats up to the field to him. She is aware of my concerns for his weight but obviously feels she knows better.
For those who asked her age she is in her late teens.
I will be having a conversation with her over the weekend. As much as she is a lovely girl and isn't doing anything out of malice, I need to put my horse first.
Will let you know the outcome everyone. Again many thanks for all the replies

Had similar problems with a previous share. Having good doers and natives we are VERY careful what we feed, but these people knew better, and were feeding molasses coated mix and chaff to ALL our horses, because we did not give them enough, even though they were the correct weight, and on good grazing. We asked them time after time only to feed the food we bought, because we were concerned about the horses/ponies rapidly expanding girths. They ignored it and carried on. They also insisted on leaving ALL the horses (Including one daughters 25 year old, and the other daughters youngster) stood in the stables hour after hour, with no water or hay, they also ignored our repeated requests not to do this. We put a bed in the youngsters stable and they emptied it. In the end, i told them to leave the ponys tack, and the key for the gate, as they were putting all our horses at risk, not only of laminitis, but they were left (in summer) shut in stables with no water or hay for hours at a time. They also used give them treats in their hands, my daughters horse started to nip,they do get treats, in the buckets.

It is not very nice when people take advantage, and it sounds like the person riding your horse is doing exactly that, hope you tell them why you no longer want her to ride him, they need to know they overstepped the mark.

 

[miss_c]

Any update OP?

 

[Gallop_Away]

Hi everyone. Apologies for not updating you sooner. Very busy weekend. So saturday I went up to the yard. I had exactly what I wanted to say planned out. A very calm reasonable conversation. So just my luck she didn't come up at all saturday.
Yesterday morning, went up. Couldn't see my pony in his field. Where was he you ask? In the stable stuffing his face. Straw-camels back. Weny and sat in the car for a few minutes to gather my thoughts (and fight the urge to scream). Got out and went to find her. I was a little more ranty than I wanted to be but I basically said that I felt my views as an owner were not being respected and that I felt I needed to take the control back for my horse's sake. There was some sulking but she got the message. I imagine it may be awkward for a week or two but I'm sure she will get over it. Hopefully it has taught her a valuable lesson and she won't make the same mistake next time with someone else's horse

 

[Fiona]

Well done OP......

Hope all goes well from now on x x

Fiona

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

Hi everyone. Apologies for not updating you sooner. Very busy weekend. So saturday I went up to the yard. I had exactly what I wanted to say planned out. A very calm reasonable conversation. So just my luck she didn't come up at all saturday.
Yesterday morning, went up. Couldn't see my pony in his field. Where was he you ask? In the stable stuffing his face. Straw-camels back. Weny and sat in the car for a few minutes to gather my thoughts (and fight the urge to scream). Got out and went to find her. I was a little more ranty than I wanted to be but I basically said that I felt my views as an owner were not being respected and that I felt I needed to take the control back for my horse's sake. There was some sulking but she got the message. I imagine it may be awkward for a week or two but I'm sure she will get over it. Hopefully it has taught her a valuable lesson and she won't make the same mistake next time with someone else's horse

Well Done OP at least you caught her in the act not doing something you did not approve of.

 

[mytwofriends]

Very well done OP! You have your horse back.

 

[cremedemonthe]

Well done, Oz

 

[Mule]

Job done. Well done

 

[Gingerwitch]

Job done. Well done

I hope so..... lets just hope that she does not do things behind your back now - some folk will continue to think it is their right to do what they choose with your animals.

Back in my youth a girl would ride my little pony without my permission, it became so bad as I would get to the yard to find that my pony was missing, even after speaking to her parents and the farmer she continued to take my pony without permission - or his fitted tack - it became so bad that dad had to move my pony to a different yard.

 

[ycbm]

You aren't a confrontational person like some of us, and that took a lot of guts. Well done.

 

[Antw23uk]

Hi everyone. Apologies for not updating you sooner. Very busy weekend. So saturday I went up to the yard. I had exactly what I wanted to say planned out. A very calm reasonable conversation. So just my luck she didn't come up at all saturday.
Yesterday morning, went up. Couldn't see my pony in his field. Where was he you ask? In the stable stuffing his face. Straw-camels back. Weny and sat in the car for a few minutes to gather my thoughts (and fight the urge to scream). Got out and went to find her. I was a little more ranty than I wanted to be but I basically said that I felt my views as an owner were not being respected and that I felt I needed to take the control back for my horse's sake. There was some sulking but she got the message. I imagine it may be awkward for a week or two but I'm sure she will get over it. Hopefully it has taught her a valuable lesson and she won't make the same mistake next time with someone else's horse

Well done OP, good result. I did laugh at the 'may be awkward for a week or two' comment ... man she is gona hold a grudge for life lady, lol. She's horsey ..... she is gona hold that grudge and nurture it like a baby, lol!