The grieving process 💔

[tobiano1984]

4 weeks ago today I said goodbye to my best friend, she was 15 and her time had come, but it was still the hardest decision of my life. We spent all day every day together, from years on the yard to her last couple of years pootling in London with me after our lives changed quite significantly (relationship end, moving etc).
I’ve actually found the grief has got worse and worse as the weeks have passed, and just wanted to see how others cope, as I figured people on here would be able to sympathise! It’s an odd one with animals, if you haven’t had them and lost them I’m not sure you quite understand their importance. I had hoped that my horse would fill the space a bit, but to be honest I’ve slightly lost interest in him as although we’ve always been close, losing my girl has almost highlighted how much less significant the relationship with my horse is. It’s feeling like a bit of chore to go and see him now.
For the last 3 or 4 years it was just me and her, always together. I knew it would be hard losing her, but I really want to get to the point where it’s just fond memories of a happy life well lived.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking, I guess just to see what other people’s experiences and thoughts are?

 

[tobiano1984]

 

[AmyMay]

I know it’s trite, but time is a great healer and you have to allow yourself the space to grieve. We lost Jack nearly a year ago. I loved him (but wasn’t in love with him). I still cry if we talk about him. I dread the day we loose Daisy because I’m truly in love with her.

You have my absolute sympathy.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Ime, you (one) have to make a choice to move on and look back on the memories with confidence that you made the right decision at the right time. It does no good to wallow in your misery.

 

[Bluewaves]

It’s so bloody hard. I’ve lost pets before and got over them. But I lost my big 15 year old love bug fluffy cat two months ago and I agree the grief has got worse as time has passed. I’m trying to allow myself to feel the feels when they happen but not actively bring them up. It’s hard because I still have my other two much loved 15 year old cats and they help me but I know how shit it’s going to be when they go too.

I guess time is the only thing that really works for big grief.

 

[Cortez]

I'm so sorry, I absolutely know how you are feeling.

 

[Burnttoast]

So sorry for your loss We lost the best cat last September (day of the queen's funeral so I'm not likely to forget that ) and I thought after a couple of months I was getting through the emotions ok, but after Christmas for some reason they came back and I'm crying just typing this, even though I don't think about her very frequently now. She was an eternal kitten and only 10 when she died so I think I feel a bit cheated too (of her later years). But in time it will get better, I'm sure.

 

[Spotherisk]

I’ve found it’s different for different animals ie dogs or horses, and the pet itself has made a difference. I was devastated when my lurcher went aged 14 and vowed never to have another dog (OH has his dogs but they’re not really mine, and they’re kennelled), but 18 months later I got another lurcher, it was a snap decision and the right one for me.

The horses have caused all different emotions within me. Tinner (the chestnut skewbald in my avatar) was pts aged 10 in February 2020 after years of complications after probable AM which caused laminitis and founder in all four. He represented the future dreams to me, I had plans and wishes but they didn’t come to fruition. I have really struggled to get over his death as he and I were very close on the ground, less so ridden. I can still cry at the drop of a hat over Tinner. Harley was pts in June if this year, aged 31, after 26 years of ownership. Although it was immediately devastating I was overwhelmingly grateful that he had been taken ill next to the house and that I was able to end his pain as soon as the vet arrived. I have wonderful memories and they have already overtaken the sadness, he wasn’t my future, he was my past.

We are all different, we all feel and process differently, and other things which are happening in our lives affect our feelings. Maybe it will be worse for you for some time, maybe some outside help is your way forward. I don’t know and maybe you don’t either. Big hugs, because it is horrid, but you are not alone, many of us have travelled that road.

 

[claret09]

lost my beautiful jerry cat a month and a half ago. he was only seven - we suspect he developed fip as he went down hill really quickly - i spent a lot of money trying to save him - i would have spent more if i could have had a positive outcome. margo (his sister) and i miss him every day - i keep opening the front door and expecting see him there or sit in bed and expect him to mooch round the door and jump onto the bed. we have just adopted two new kittens - benson and beau - margo is still getting used to them being in the house. i completely get how much you are missing your girl. they are so special - life never seems to feel the same without them.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

View attachment 119513

I'm so sorry for your loss, she looks so lovely.

After spending the last years always together in her loving company, I presume it feels as if a part of yourself is missing.

You say it feels a bit like a big chore to go see your horse now, and that you've slightly lost interest in him, but is there anything else you do that feels easy, and enjoyable at the moment? Based on the sound of your post, I'm guessing you probably haven't really lost interest in your horse, without that it's your grief that have shrouded your feelings in a big heavy cloud of emptiness, and sadness.

It's such a difficult balance, grief can come in waves, and it's important to give yourself time to grieve, and heal. At the same time, if after a few weeks it feels as if it only gets worse, and worse, maybe you can't wait for time to numb your feelings, without need to deal with it a bit more actively.
If you're constantly just reminded about that she's not by your side anymore, can you change something in your daily routine? If you don't feel ready for another dog, could you go to a rescue, and volunteer as a dog walker? Or maybe get a soft toy that you can give a little squeeze when you feel lonely at home, take up broidery, or lose your thoughts by focusing on a difficult puzzle... It's a situation where one solution doesn't suit all, you have to keep trying until you find what works for you.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}

 

[Chucho]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We've lost two in the last 18 months, one was an old girl and the other a very young lad. Both were devastating in different ways and we are far from over the cumulative effect on our lives of dealing with these losses. It is absolutely ok to feel devastated but be sure to look after yourself while you heal.

I remember reading on here something someone wrote: 'don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened'. It's been a huge comfort for me to remember those words and think about the things that made me smile about them whenever I feel down.

We have found welcoming a new dog into our lives helps. They never replace the ones that you've lost but they do fill a void and eventually they write their own special stories in your life together. But you'll know if and when you're ready for that. Sending big hugs.

 

[Sprout]

I am so very sorry for your devastating loss.
I lost one of my dogs a few months ago, Peggy was only 4 and had battled Epilepsy for 3 years. I have had many dogs over the years, but she truly was my soul mate, and I just feel so lost and empty without her, even though I have my other dog and the horses to care for. I cry thinking about her and can’t talk about her. I know time is a healer, but this loss is going to remain with me forever.
I hope all your wonderful memories will help to ease your pain. Sending hugs. xx

 

[Errin Paddywack]

After I lost one particular cat who was my shadow, I felt completely shut off from our other cats, as though there was a pane of glass between us. It took a long time to get over her and that was despite having several other cats, horses and a husband. For you, your dog was your partner, you don't mention an OH so I assume it was just the two of you. That makes it a lot worse. Time will help but it won't be quick.

 

[Flowerofthefen]

So sorry for your loss. When I lost my jrt, 4 years ago, at the age of 13, I couldn't breath. I have never felt anything like it. It didn't help that I lost my mum 4 days before. Grief is strange, my head sort of blocked her out over the following few weeks although I couldn't sleep at all as she always slept in my bed. Once I could think about her again my grief came in waves. It was awful. Time did help and I can now talk about her and look at photos. I have a photo of her and my other lab whom we lost last year by my bed and I say goodnight to them every night. Grief is different for everyone. Sending huge hugs x

 

[tobiano1984]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice, it really does help. Having lost her at a ripe old age, it’s not like I’m losing a future, just a past - but she was definitely my soulmate and has been my constant through some turbulent times. I don’t miss having a dog that much, especially as the last few years have been in London and it was quite hard work having a large and later quite geriatric dog in tow! But I just miss her, and they way she was just ‘there’ and would look me in the eyes and let me know she understands and she loves me unconditionally.

 

[Moobli]

Ime, you (one) have to make a choice to move on and look back on the memories with confidence that you made the right decision at the right time. It does no good to wallow in your misery.

Initially I thought wow that sounds a little harsh to someone struggling with the huge loss of a much loved companion (and dogs really are family aren’t they). On reflection I actually think this is how I coped with one of my hardest losses. I’ve loved and lost six very special dogs over the years but one in particular was my “dog in a million” and he just epitomised everything I’d ever dreamed of in a dog. When he had to be pts at just age 8 due to cancer I thought my world had collapsed. I don’t know why or how I started to think about it, maybe just reflecting on life itself, but I started to contemplate on how life is short and to spend years grieving a loss would detract from all the great times we had together. Also how human life is also short so I should be as upbeat and happy as possible because life can change in an instant. I think I probably shut the grief in a little box in the back of my head and it would occasionally pop out but on the whole it helped me deal with it so much better than I had previously.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

I’m so sorry, the sadness is appalling. I think the Blue Cross do pet loss grief counselling. I read recently that losing a pet you’re very bonded to can be worse than losing a person. The idea of one of mine being 13 is such a worry. I still cry about losing one of my first dogs, it was very traumatic.

 

[windswoo]

I've posted a little about losing my one dog, how it basically left me heartbroken and it wasn't just me in the family that it profoundly hurt. He was a younger dog and we'd literally found him when riding along a bridlepath where someone had just dumped him.
Even as I got him to the vets to check if he was micro-chipped, I knew that if no one claimed him he would be coming home with me. A week later (and £100 worse off) he was ours. We only had him for two years before he died of septicaemia - the vets treated him and us appalling during him being ill (saying he was a drama queen - how he's a dog?) and a lot of lessons in regards to trusting vets were learnt by us after he died.
I still get upset about him now and it's been nearly 10 years, but I try to think at least we gave him two "happy" years. The worst thing is we haven't got that many photos of him in relation to the other animals that we had for longer.
So what I'm trying to say is grieve, don't try to keep it in - let it out. You've had her for so long and now you are on your own - you're going to feel it and it will be raw, but remember all the good times too.
The Blue Cross is a good shout if you need someone to talk to and you can always let it out on here.
Big hugs.

 

[Jenko109]

It's just the worst pain isn't it.

I lost my last whippet about 2 years ago now, at just 8 years of age, following an undiagnosable neurological disease.

The day I let her go, I howled. She was too young and honestly just the most perfect little creature. It seemed so desperately unfair. I sobbed regularly for months. It even makes me tearful now, typing the words and reminding myself of the hurt. I would say it took about a year before I could watch an old video of her without crying.

I still have the card that the vets gave me of the rainbow bridge. I am weirdly sentimental about it and still, two years on, cannot bring myself to take it down. My partner tried to bin it a few months ago and I had a full on melt down, like a hoarder who does not want to give up their worthless clutter. It is a card. I had no longing to keep her ashes. Why am I so emotionally attached to a poxy card!?

When you eventually get to that stage where you can have some happy reflection, it is like a weight has been lifted, but it will take time to get there.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Initially I thought wow that sounds a little harsh to someone struggling with the huge loss of a much loved companion (and dogs really are family aren’t they). On reflection I actually think this is how I coped with one of my hardest losses. I’ve loved and lost six very special dogs over the years but one in particular was my “dog in a million” and he just epitomised everything I’d ever dreamed of in a dog. When he had to be pts at just age 8 due to cancer I thought my world had collapsed. I don’t know why or how I started to think about it, maybe just reflecting on life itself, but I started to contemplate on how life is short and to spend years grieving a loss would detract from all the great times we had together. Also how human life is also short so I should be as upbeat and happy as possible because life can change in an instant. I think I probably shut the grief in a little box in the back of my head and it would occasionally pop out but on the whole it helped me deal with it so much better than I had previously.

I have had a lot of animals die, either of natural causes at home or pts, in an emergency or otherwise; horses, dogs, cats, young and old. I have learned that wallowing in your grief does nothing for your own MH or to help you to look after those you have left. Of course you feel sad, that is natural but concentrating on how sad you feel is unhelpful ime.
The same attitude got me through losing both parents and my OH, fortunately.
OP, I'm sorry for your loss, try to concentrate on remembering the good times that you had together.

 

[misst]

I have had a lot of animals die, either of natural causes at home or pts, in an emergency or otherwise; horses, dogs, cats, young and old. I have learned that wallowing in your grief does nothing for your own MH or to help you to look after those you have left. Of course you feel sad, that is natural but concentrating on how sad you feel is unhelpful ime.
The same attitude got me through losing both parents and my OH, fortunately.
OP, I'm sorry for your loss, try to concentrate on remembering the good times that you had together.

PaS I do agree with your sentiment but sometimes a good wallow is what we need. I still struggle with sadness sometimes over the loss of one very special horse. It was 15+ years ago. I can still shed a tear and there are a couple of pieces of music I associate with him that trigger tears. I avoid them like the plague. However 98% of the time I do not think of him or if I do it is with a smile. Grief is strange. My mum died 6 weeks ago and I have not really shed a tear except at her funeral. She was 88 her life was hard she had pain and had had enough. When I scatter her ashes in Spain where she lived for 25 years and where my dad died and his ashes are I will probably have a bit of a melt down - we go in a month and I feel emotional already. Spain is where my memories of them are strongest and happiest so I will have a "wallow" for the 4 days I am there. I expect I'll come back and things will return to normal.

OP I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. Grieve as best you can, accept the sadness and know that this too shall pass. Time does help. Give yourself permission to be sad and depressed but perhaps limit the time/places you can do it. I used to save an afternoon a month to really allow myself to think about my boy and read sad stuff and remember things. this helped me so much for about a year until I didn't need to anymore. (Sorry for the italics I'm not sure what is going on).

 

[Pearlsasinger]

PaS I do agree with your sentiment but sometimes a good wallow is what we need. I still struggle with sadness sometimes over the loss of one very special horse. It was 15+ years ago. I can still shed a tear and there are a couple of pieces of music I associate with him that trigger tears. I avoid them like the plague. However 98% of the time I do not think of him or if I do it is with a smile. Grief is strange. My mum died 6 weeks ago and I have not really shed a tear except at her funeral. She was 88 her life was hard she had pain and had had enough. When I scatter her ashes in Spain where she lived for 25 years and where my dad died and his ashes are I will probably have a bit of a melt down - we go in a month and I feel emotional already. Spain is where my memories of them are strongest and happiest so I will have a "wallow" for the 4 days I am there. I expect I'll come back and things will return to normal.

OP I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. Grieve as best you can, accept the sadness and know that this too shall pass. Time does help. Give yourself permission to be sad and depressed but perhaps limit the time/places you can do it. I used to save an afternoon a month to really allow myself to think about my boy and read sad stuff and remember things. this helped me so much for about a year until I didn't need to anymore. (Sorry for the italics I'm not sure what is going on).

I'm so sorry for your loss but your strategy is exactly what I mean, you don't spend your time thinking about how upset you are.

 

[misst]

PaS I thought that was what you meant but I think it sounded as if you meant you shouldn't allow yourself time at all. I did have to be strict with myself as I realised it was going to take over otherwise.

 

[splashgirl45]

The only way I can deal with losing both people and animals is to wallow for a while and then file them away in my mind. Threads about other peoples losses sometimes bring it all back but on the whole I try to look forward and try and think about the lost ones with fondness rather than tears. This works for me but we are all different and have to find our own way to move forward, whether that is getting another animal or spending time helping other people with theirs or donating to a specific charity which is linked to a loved one … maybe volunteering at an animal sanctuary may help to give you something to look forward to ?

 

[tobiano1984]

Yes I think you’re all right! I don’t think it helped that literally the morning after I had my old girl pts, my parents lurcher collapsed paralysed with a spinal injury (very weird, it’d been brewing for a while in hindsight but considering he did nothing active to trigger the disc going it seemed odd timing) so I was forced to go into crisis mode and help them with him. So shelved the wallowing in my own grief. Hence it seems to have come back with a vengeance at a later date. Last weekend I had to go to my parents for the first time since I’d said goodbye to my girl there, and collect her ashes, so that was all a bit emotional and then had to support a close friend with their elderly dog being pts! Bit of an emotional roller coaster, for someone who usually tries to avoid emotions

(Parents lurcher is on the road to recovery after they spent a chunk of my inheritance on surgery )

 

[splashgirl45]

That was a lot to deal with so grieving is quite understandable , hopefully you will feel a bit better in time.. I lost my last lurcher in 2016 , 2 weeks after I lost my horse so I know how difficult it is when you have 2 lots of trauma close together. There is one song that if I hear it I immediately think of my lurcher and am in tears so you are not alone

 

[Birker2020]

4 weeks ago today I said goodbye to my best friend, she was 15 and her time had come, but it was still the hardest decision of my life. We spent all day every day together, from years on the yard to her last couple of years pootling in London with me after our lives changed quite significantly (relationship end, moving etc).
I’ve actually found the grief has got worse and worse as the weeks have passed, and just wanted to see how others cope, as I figured people on here would be able to sympathise! It’s an odd one with animals, if you haven’t had them and lost them I’m not sure you quite understand their importance. I had hoped that my horse would fill the space a bit, but to be honest I’ve slightly lost interest in him as although we’ve always been close, losing my girl has almost highlighted how much less significant the relationship with my horse is. It’s feeling like a bit of chore to go and see him now.
For the last 3 or 4 years it was just me and her, always together. I knew it would be hard losing her, but I really want to get to the point where it’s just fond memories of a happy life well lived.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking, I guess just to see what other people’s experiences and thoughts are?

I have a friend who is going through the same and I know she is struggling. I feel in some ways it's harder to lose a companion animal like a cat or dog than a horse as you spend so much time with them especially those who become your shadow.

Thinking of you x

 

[Bellasophia]

Hi tobiano.
Im looking at the photo of your beautiful old dog.
Beautiful indeed.Faithful and true.

I would send that picture away,to get a huge print and frame it…

….I have pictures all through my house of my beloved past dogs and they still give me comfort and a smile when I pass them.
Pearlsasingers post comes with life’s experience of love and loss and I agree with her. I’ve lost family and friends and many dogs…but it was a blessing to have had them in my life. You have to move forward and life will give back to you.
Life gives and it takes away.Some say you have no control over this,but you have beautiful memories and they can be treasured and never taken from you.
I have to say you should not try to replace your dog with a replica,but consider where your life is right now and maybe add a different dog to fit into the dynamic of your life today.
Grief will tear you apart if you let it.Don’t let it.
I found the phrase” the cycle of life” repeating in my mind when I’ve had a loss…it’s the cycle of life..and you rejoice in the good years you had that make the memories that will make you smile( or cry) when you are touched by a memory.…
Your sweet ,beautiful dog went through the fullest cycle of life,with you at her side.Fifteen special,lovely years.

 

[tobiano1984]

Hi tobiano.
Im looking at the photo of your beautiful old dog.
Beautiful indeed.Faithful and true.

I would send that picture away,to get a huge print and frame it…

….I have pictures all through my house of my beloved past dogs and they still give me comfort and a smile when I pass them.
Pearlsasingers post comes with life’s experience of love and loss and I agree with her. I’ve lost family and friends and many dogs…but it was a blessing to have had them in my life. You have to move forward and life will give back to you.
Life gives and it takes away.Some say you have no control over this,but you have beautiful memories and they can be treasured and never taken from you.
I have to say you should not try to replace your dog with a replica,but consider where your life is right now and maybe add a different dog to fit into the dynamic of your life today.
Grief will tear you apart if you let it.Don’t let it.
I found the phrase” the cycle of life” repeating in my mind when I’ve had a loss…it’s the cycle of life..and you rejoice in the good years you had that make the memories that will make you smile( or cry) when you are touched by a memory.…
Your sweet ,beautiful dog went through the fullest cycle of life,with you at her side.Fifteen special,lovely years.

Thank you for your lovely words. I've actually just today received a book I had made from Papier of all my favourite photos of her. Something to look through and remember good times, rather than the memory of her last moments.
I don't have any desire to get another dog at the moment, but I'm sure I will when I'm settled (a dog in London was never my intention, it just happened that way). I don't miss having 'a dog' I just miss her, so definitely don't want to replace her.

You're right, she had a very full cycle of life with rarely a bad day, and the decline at the end was not the worst and not the longest. It could have gone on for longer, but it hurt me more to see my strong alpha female not feeling strong anymore, and I knew it wasn't the life she wanted, being carried around and treated like an invalid. I am incredibly lucky to have had such a wonderful animal choose me as her person (she was never bought, let alone owned!). She leaves a huge void but an even more huge selection of wonderful memories.

 

[scats]

So sorry for your loss Tobiona xx

In the vet waiting room today, a family came in with their elderly dog who was being put to sleep. There were two ladies in tears but one was inconsolable. It broke my heart to see and I keep thinking about it. It felt even closer to home as I know we will face that day with our old girl soon.

Dogs are the most beautiful animals with the purest souls. It’s just so sad that they only get to stay with us for a relatively short time, but my god that time is so special. Take care xx