Those of you who have had to PTS

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Flicker

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When do you stop blaming yourself??

It has been a couple of months now for me. Vet and I made decision together, so that's not what I am blaming myself for (I know it was the right decision for my lad). But I OBSESS about every tiny thing I did whilst caring for him. Maybe if I'd done x instead of y. Maybe I missed the signs. What if I hadn't gone on that hack up that steep hill...
My friends, YO, horse's former owner etc, all go on about what a wonderful home I gave my lad, but I am just left with this feeling that I failed him.
It is stopping me from celebrating the remarkable animal that he was.

Is this normal? Does it get better?

My mum also fell quite seriously ill about two weeks after he was PTS. I have had to concentrate on her. I feel that the mourning he deserves is taking second place. More guilt.

Sorry, I know this is probably hard for everyone who has been through similar. Mi just want to know if I am normal.
 
For me I only have one horse for whom I still feel guilt, and that won't ever go away. However, I do know that for that particular situation it was not the wrong thing to do - but there definitely could have been a better solution.

I think generally, though, there's often guilt associated with making such a difficult decision. But thankfully for the most part this diminishes with time, along with our grief.
 
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Hey, we have had our little pony pts last thurs. part of you will always feel you could of done something different. It's human nature.

We had my sister pony pts two years ago too, he was 25 had gone down hill in a week and was is pain and stopped eating. He was at the horspital on drips and IV antibiotics. Vet wanted to get a specialist in and do cameras in tummy but my sister said no, he has had enough and wouldn't want that. He had a hard life before coming to us so she knew he couldn't cope with that. Also money was a factor as he wasn't insured.
But it still doesn't lessen the guilt.

My vets are fab and agree 100% with our choices. With little pony it was easier and harder at the same time but we still think maybe if I had a bit more money or did that differently we wouldn't have to do it even though it was the best choice for him.

Have a look a my other thread titled saying goodbye for the info on little pony, it might help to see you are not alone.

Xxxx
 
Thank you. It is comforting to know that we do have these doubts. Maybe the fact that we do doubt shows we truly do have our animals' best interests at heart.

I, too, was limited financially in terms of how far I could go. I don't think it would have made a difference to the outcome (maybe diagnostic clarity, very unlikely to cure) but it left me feeling so powerless.
 
same really - mine was pts 3 weeks ago and i do think "what if i just tried x"....but i know deep down it would have concluded the same due to how she was.

I will always feel guilty as she was truly the best horse ive ever owned. :(
 
I think you will always have the 'what ifs' as you are human but I felt a massive relief once I'd done it as for me the worry of him being in constant pain was worse than worrying about the past. Unfortunately life with horses is a complete rollercoaster ride (well it is for me anyway!) and I am always worrying about something! I also found that having a new horse took my mind off the past as well...

Big hugs, it's not easy x
 
Nearly 6 months for me and I still feel guilty. I still can't say "my pony died" because he didn't just die. I sent him away. My head knows it was the right thing to do but I miss him so much. Maybe I could have done more or kept him going for longer but he was never going to recover.

If it's any consolation - my pony was insured and I tried all of the latest treatments and none of them worked - the only thing that worked was time but even then it only turned out to be a temporary recovery and the initial injury was still what ultimately led to me losing him.

Hugs and sympathy from me. xx
 
I felt incredibly sad but not guilty, not even for not being with him at the time(his owner was as i couldnt get out of work)

What i felt most guilty about was spending time with other horses and feeling tormented by guilt when i was offered a share on a lovely horse who i ride now.

My wonderful boy is gone, it was his time and it was 100% the right decision so no, no guilt. Only sadness that i will never touch his beautiful face again. :(
 
I haven't been through losing a horse yet, but my old dog was PTS in August and I've seen many people die.

There are stages of grief that you dip in and out of in no particular order.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Guilt
Acceptance

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

It's normal to flit between one stage and another as part of the brain working through the trauma of loss.

Interestingly, at uni I attended a talk on Breaking Bad News and the stages of grief are the same whether you have misplaced your wallet or lost a loved one!
 
With my shetland, yes. I will always feel guilt that I didn't act sooner. He died days before I had booked days off for 'that' visit. He was just going downhill, nothing specific, just age, but appeared to have had a major colic between my visits (I found him dead in the stable). I can't remember who said it to me, but they pointed out that equally I could have done other things that caused more damage than good or produced a miracle, or could have booked the visit sooner, or not. The fact is I didn't and have to move on.

I had a definitive diagnosis with my cat (kidney failure caused by a tumour) and it didn't help one iota when it came to having him pts and then the grief after. I think that feeling of powerlessness is irrespective of that, sadly. :(
 
(((((((hugs))))))) to you.

I lost Lucy, my pony of a lifetime, over 2 1/2 years ago and still feel terrable guilt.
I feel like I let her down. Lucy was ill and had been for 8 months. I threw everything at her to keep her happy in her last months. She was doing realy well. I took her on a sponsoured ride which she loved but afew weeks later she went down hill rapidly. I realy thought I was going to loose her but she perked up again. I went away on holiday with my parents. (A holiday that had been booked long before Lucy fell ill) I wasn't going to go but as she had picked up and seemed to be doing well I desided to go. Three days into the holiday I got the worst phonecall of my life. My vet was nearly in tears and she told me Lucy had gone down hill over night and it seemed like she was giving up the fight. I had no way of getting home and had to make the heartbreaking desition to have her PTS without even getting to say goodbye.
I still feel guilt for doing that sponsoured ride, even though Lucy loved every second of it. I feel guilty for going away. I feel like I abandoned her when she needed me most and no matter how many people tell me I did the right thing, The only thing to do in Lucys best intrest I can't shake the feeling of guilt.

I know it's easyer said than done (as i'm crying writing this reply) but try not to feel guilty. Your horse wouldn't want to be the cause of such pain. He will have known you loved him. You loved him enough to let him go and end his suffering. He'll be forever thankful to you for that. xx
 
Although I've never had a horse put to sleep I tend to take elderly animals from rescues and so have done it many times with smaller animals. What I can say is that you always second guess yourself about whether you did things right, but I always find the saying "better a moment too soon than a moment too late" is very comforting.

I also know that it is only worth spending money on diagnostic tests that identify something fixable. Otherwise you make a call on quality of life and if the vet agrees with your decision it is the right one.

PTS is the tough, brave decision. It's so much harder than keeping on trying things with less and less chance of success

Paula
 
4 years for one, 18 months for the other. Your opening post OP could have been my exact words. It does get easier with time, but never goes away.

((((hugs))))
 
It's human nature, & it does fade in time. I've always blamed myself, regardless of how far fetched my reasoning is. Sometimes with really ludicrous reasons, & I always have done. Eg when my dog had cancer when I was 16, I spent ages telling myself if I'd paid for weekly blood tests, scans etc for the last year, I'd have noticed sooner & been able to treat it. And countless other illogical ideas. Only one I feel some degree of guilt for still, I could have done things differently but it wouldn't have effected the outcome. Wasn't my horse, but being the groom I noticed he had no self preservation. I did try & tell both boss & owner I felt him dangerous, but they didn't believe me. He ended up with multiple broken legs at the side of the road. And a pm revealed a brain tumour that would have been untreatable anyway. Even if I had been insistent, horse could have lost it in the field & fatally injured himself, & even if he'd been diagnosed first pts was still the only option. So not my fault, but I still blame myself for his traumatic end.
 
My horse was only pts on sunday it has ripped my heart out and i feel like my life is turned upside down, people keep telling me it will get easier but for now i cannot see that this pain will go away :(
 
Firstly, massive hugs- I know how extremely hard it is.

I think feeling guilty is part of the grieving process, you know fully that you made the right decision but in the back of your mind you always wonder if things could have been different. But one thing that helped me through was the saying "everything happens for a reason" and I truly believe in this. Sadly as much as our horses bring us happiness and joy, they also bring us a lot of heartbreak and sadness and having to decide your horses future is the biggest test for any horse owner. Time is the greatest healer, it's been nearly 6 months since I lost my beautiful girl and sometimes I can't work out if it feels like yesterday or years ago I said my final goodbye. I was in a very bad place for a while and I won't go to much into detail but my mare had a bitter end (long story) and even to this day I blame myself for it, but one thing that keeps me going is that I know I did the kindest thing by not letting her pain and suffering continue.

It does get easier- honest. Over time the good memories outweigh the bad and even though I still grieve for my girl, my memories of her are positive and I am so grateful I was able to be apart of her life. I always wondered why me, but as a HHO member told me "somewhere someone knows you were the only person strong enough to let her go"

Feel free to PM me, it really helps talking to others who have been through something similar- you don’t feel as alone.

xxx
 
I went through exactly this when I had to have Bob PTS ,18 months ago. My wonderful vet tried everything he could to save him, but the colic and the combination of his age just was against him, and I know, in my heart of hearts, it was the right thing to do for him, but that didn't stop me questioning what I had done. A million things went through my head, what if I'd done this, what if I'd done that. It was one of the worst days of my life, and I still miss him, but I look back and know he's out of pain and stress, and I can remember him with a smile, and yes, still a few tears. Looking back, I remember the look in my beautiful boys eyes, and I knew he had had enough, and just wanted to rest. So yes, I did feel guilty, for not being able to help him, and make it better, but I did the right thing. Just as you have done. It does get easier, I promise, though there will always be days when you wish if only............... Lots of us know how you are feeling, and we're all on your side. Lots of (((hugs))). I hope you feel better soon. x
 
Oberon said:
I haven't been through losing a horse yet, but my old dog was PTS in August and I've seen many people die.

There are stages of grief that you dip in and out of in no particular order.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Guilt
Acceptance

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

It's normal to flit between one stage and another as part of the brain working through the trauma of loss.

Interestingly, at uni I attended a talk on Breaking Bad News and the stages of grief are the same whether you have misplaced your wallet or lost a loved one!
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Thats very interesting and I can see I went through all those when we lost our girl. Loosing a horse/having one PTS - is heartbreaking without the added heart ache of an ill relative. OP I hope you feel at peace soon.
 
Thank you, everyone for your stories and your messages of support. I have been so moved to hear your very, very sad experiences, and although how you have each dealt with your situation in a unique way, what is so apparent is your determination to do what is right, practical and humane for your horses and ponies, and other animals.
What has helped me with this post is me wanting to say to you all 'you have done the right thing - you so obviously loved and cared for your animals, you should be proud not guilty'
Hopefully one day I will be able to say this to myself.
Thank you xxx
 
There was no alternative so I don't feel any guilt, just an ongoing sadness to have said goodbye to a very special horse and friend.
 
My boy was PTS a week ago and I am in tears reading these posts. The heartache is crushing. Each time I think about a different "what if" in his last months I am filled with guilt.
Unfortunately I was " a day too late."

I do hope I can move on to the "acceptance stage", and you can too x
 
Flicker, just want to send you (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))).

Try taking some Rescue Remedy, it does help. And something that really helped me (and I'm not religious) - I went to Durham Catherdral, lit him a candle, and cried as I sent thoughts up for him. Told him i was so sorry and that I loved him. That was a turning point for me. x
 
So sad for you OP, remember you made that choice because you loved him and couldnt bear him anymore pain.

Shysmum what a wonderful idea, maybe OP could plant a tree and dedicate her time to making it grow big and strong.

Hugs
 
What a wonderful idea. My OH actually collected the last poo's from his stable and paddock and is rotting them down to use in the garden in the new year. It will be lovely to watch our garden flourish thanks to him. Think I will definitely plant a special flower bush for him :)
 
Just had a thought could you incorporate bird bath/feeder as well like you were giving back life esp as winter is coming, just incase the plant dies due to frost or something then you would be very sad, i know i would.
 
merrymeasure said:
I went through exactly this when I had to have Bob PTS ,18 months ago. My wonderful vet tried everything he could to save him, but the colic and the combination of his age just was against him, and I know, in my heart of hearts, it was the right thing to do for him, but that didn't stop me questioning what I had done. A million things went through my head, what if I'd done this, what if I'd done that. It was one of the worst days of my life, and I still miss him, but I look back and know he's out of pain and stress, and I can remember him with a smile, and yes, still a few tears. Looking back, I remember the look in my beautiful boys eyes, and I knew he had had enough, and just wanted to rest. So yes, I did feel guilty, for not being able to help him, and make it better, but I did the right thing. Just as you have done. It does get easier, I promise, though there will always be days when you wish if only............... Lots of us know how you are feeling, and we're all on your side. Lots of (((hugs))). I hope you feel better soon. x
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OMG this is scary - you have written exactly what i was thinking / going to say. Even more scary that my boy was called Bob too. I lost him in February this year to colic and was that combined with his age (27) which took him from us. I saw in his eyes that he was saying "its ok... let me go" :-(

It gets easier over time but will always leave a gap. Has been a totally rubbish year - not only have i lost my lovely Bob but my amazing Dad was also taken.
RIP my angels i love and miss you both so so much - always and forever x
 
katiey said:
OMG this is scary - you have written exactly what i was thinking / going to say. Even more scary that my boy was called Bob too. I lost him in February this year to colic and was that combined with his age (27) which took him from us. I saw in his eyes that he was saying "its ok... let me go" :-(

It gets easier over time but will always leave a gap. Has been a totally rubbish year - not only have i lost my lovely Bob but my amazing Dad was also taken.
RIP my angels i love and miss you both so so much - always and forever x
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Oh bless you katiey. You have brought tears to my eyes, reading your post. My Bob was 29, and I still miss him so.
I am so sorry to see you also lost your Dad this year too. I'm sure your Bob and your Dad are watching over you together. (((hugs)))
 
My boy was PTS last Wednesday. I think some guilt is inevitable and I am going through the what if I had done this or that stage, but in reality I know it was the right thing for him, to spare him the suffering that was coming. I now realise i am grieving for the healthy beautiful horse he was, rather than the old tired horse he had become, and his death has marked the end of an era in my life.
 
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