Tips for anxiety in children

[Bobthecob15]

Hi all, can anyone offer any advice on anything else we can be doing? Our 8yr old daughter has had her pony for 10 months now, he is an absolute gem of a pony you literally couldn't ask for any more of a first ridden type. They've done local shows out and about and won, she is really confident riding it the arena and is working on her confidence doing little jumps in the school and with her pony club. She has major anxiety though when we go out hacking, particularly on the roads. She'll be fine one minute but then she'll think something bad is going to happen then she'll ask/demand that I hold on to him. He's literally never put a foot wrong...i just don't get it. There is never an obvious cause to it, she thinks/feels he's getting faster (he isnt) or she worries he's seen something that might spook him.

We don't do a lot of hacking, the roads are super quiet but we have nobody to hack with and I don't have a horse so I go on foot. She just isn't interested she'd rather be in the school. We've not done much in the way of sponsored or fun rides yet which I think would probably help, but we do have friends over from time to time who she hacks with. She had a great 3 days at pony club camp this summer, I think me not being there was actually really helpful because if I'm there she wants me to hold him if she gets anxious.

I've tried being rational about her fears, tried the softly softly approach but after 10 months I'm not sure where else to go. I've even now resorted to the option of not having him because she is definitely being held back by her own worries...which obviously she finds upsetting as she adores him.

has weekly lessons in the arena and her instructor has been fab getting her more confident over small jumps...she is very nervous of those too as she fell off jumping when we first got him and has never gotten past it.

I think she is mainly anxious about what could happen rather than what has happened. She told me tonight she read in a book a story about a girl who fell off on the road when her pony reared and she cracked her skull...so I'm sure this hasn't helped.

Any words of wisdom?! She never used to be anxious riding its only the past year since we've had her own pony really. Thanks.

 

[Red-1]

At 8 years old, I wouldn't worry about it and would simply stop hacking. The roads can be scary and unpredictable.

I would allow her to do whatever she likes. If the pony needs to do straight lines, I would walk in hand myself for her.

She can start doing more lessons in ever increasing arenas, start shows with fields for car parks, generally start to organically increase the situations she is happy in.

Pony camp again next year sounds great, but could she also do Pony Club rallies on fields?

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

She obviously has a good imagination!. I would speak to the instructor and ask for support with hcking, perhaps her instructor would accompany your daughter on her own horse.

 

[HashRouge]

At 8 years old, I wouldn't worry about it and would simply stop hacking. The roads can be scary and unpredictable.

I would allow her to do whatever she likes. If the pony needs to do straight lines, I would walk in hand myself for her.

She can start doing more lessons in ever increasing arenas, start shows with fields for car parks, generally start to organically increase the situations she is happy in.

Pony camp again next year sounds great, but could she also do Pony Club rallies on fields?

This! She's very young still, I'd just let her do what she enjoys and build her confidence that way. I suspect you'll find that at some point in the future she'll be more enthusiastic about hacking, especially if she has someone to go with.

 

[Bobthecob15]

At 8 years old, I wouldn't worry about it and would simply stop hacking. The roads can be scary and unpredictable.

I would allow her to do whatever she likes. If the pony needs to do straight lines, I would walk in hand myself for her.

She can start doing more lessons in ever increasing arenas, start shows with fields for car parks, generally start to organically increase the situations she is happy in.

Pony camp again next year sounds great, but could she also do Pony Club rallies on fields?

Yes she has done rallies in fields, she seems ok with that. She's also fine charging around fields at local shows..it just seems to be nothing that sets her off e.g. he takes a couple of steps backwards and that's her worried and begging me to hold onto him. It's really weird!

I'm trying not to worry myself about it as i know some of this is age and inexperience...but I'm really cautious about making her worse by totally avoiding the situations she is scared of. So tricky x

 

[Bobthecob15]

This! She's very young still, I'd just let her do what she enjoys and build her confidence that way. I suspect you'll find that at some point in the future she'll be more enthusiastic about hacking, especially if she has someone to go with.

I hope so, she is nervous riding in bigger groups as she thinks he'll take off...he never has. We'll maybe try some smaller hacks with 1 or 2 kids...problem is her friends enjoy going fast!

 

[Jellymoon]

I do think they go through a phase at that age when they start becoming aware of danger. Prior to that, they are oblivious to it, and when they get older they can get a bit braver as they are stronger and more balanced. It’s really boring for you, but maybe stay in the arena where she’s happy.
The other thing it could be is that perhaps the pony is a bit much for her - I know you said he doesn’t do anything but she did fall off jumping, so maybe he’s doing something to rattle her that you are not really seeing. Perhaps a feeling of speeding up or jump/spookyness that she’s picking up on. Not what you want to hear, I know, but if this has just started since you got the pony, maybe it’s not quite the right match.

 

[Barton Bounty]

I would buy her a little helmet cam, and encourage her to make her own little adventure videos only in the countryside though, that she can share with her friends ? that might encourage her to go out hacking ?

 

[Flyermc]

is your child a naturally anxious child in general? im only asking as my 8 year old daughter is, so i do feel your frustration.

 

[Bobthecob15]

is your child a naturally anxious child in general? im only asking as my 8 year old daughter is, so i do feel your frustration.

Not especially, she's quite confident in most areas I'd say. It'd frustrating to say the least! X

 

[maya2008]

Stick her on the lead and go out (if you are riding too then obviously so long as pony can be led from another horse - if not teach the pony first!). She’ll build her confidence that way and eventually will tell you to take the lead off. My nearly 8yo daughter is off lead on her foot perfect first ridden, but I would still pop her on with a young or unfamiliar pony. If she hasn’t had much experience hacking on lead then her anxiety is understandable, she doesn’t have much experience so doesn’t know what to expect. Taking her out on the lead will eventually fix that.

If it helps, my children have mostly hacked and ridden in open fields - they tend to be more nervous in an arena…it’s all about what you’re used to!!!

 

[Bobthecob15]

I would buy her a little helmet cam, and encourage her to make her own little adventure videos only in the countryside though, that she can share with her friends ? that might encourage her to go out hacking ?

That's a lovely idea, we actually did her times tables the other day when she was hacking which totally took her mind off it and she was so much more relaxed!

 

[Bobthecob15]

I do think they go through a phase at that age when they start becoming aware of danger. Prior to that, they are oblivious to it, and when they get older they can get a bit braver as they are stronger and more balanced. It’s really boring for you, but maybe stay in the arena where she’s happy.
The other thing it could be is that perhaps the pony is a bit much for her - I know you said he doesn’t do anything but she did fall off jumping, so maybe he’s doing something to rattle her that you are not really seeing. Perhaps a feeling of speeding up or jump/spookyness that she’s picking up on. Not what you want to hear, I know, but if this has just started since you got the pony, maybe it’s not quite the right match.

I get what you are saying, but he really is a total saint of a pony! He's not doing anything to warrant the responses we get from her. I'm so thankful he is so chilled and laid back because I dread to think what she'd be like with something that wasn't x

 

[Barton Bounty]

That's a lovely idea, we actually did her times tables the other day when she was hacking which totally took her mind off it and she was so much more relaxed!

Are you able to go past a shop? Let her hop off and get a sweetie? Hop back on? Something to work to ? ?

 

[SEL]

Is she hearing about accidents on the road or speaking to others who are worried? I started to over think when various road vs horse incidents were shared on FB - increased my anxiety no end

 

[FestiveG]

Would it be worth her going on a hack with a riding school steering, on one of their ponies? She will be in the safety of a string and probably more competent than other 8 year olds there.

 

[MidChristmasCrisis]

When my daughter was younger she also got worried to hack out after her naughty gelding frightened her with his forwardness…he was sold and new mare was foot perfect schoolmistress…..if I was around she would allow her anxiety to cripple her but if her trainer was there she would listen to her advice and ride out. For a third party it seemed she would focus on the moment and not allow her imagination to run riot…she would listen and take on board advice from others that she wouldn’t from me..even though it was the same advice. So my advice is ..step out of the equation and get a trusted other person to walk/hack out with her…small ones to start and build on that.
YorksG idea also very good….

 

[Bobthecob15]

When my daughter was younger she also got worried to hack out after her naughty gelding frightened her with his forwardness…he was sold and new mare was foot perfect schoolmistress…..if I was around she would allow her anxiety to cripple her but if her trainer was there she would listen to her advice and ride out. For a third party it seemed she would focus on the moment and not allow her imagination to run riot…she would listen and take on board advice from others that she wouldn’t from me..even though it was the same advice. So my advice is ..step out of the equation and get a trusted other person to walk/hack out with her…small ones to start and build on that.
YorksG idea also very good….

Thank you, that makes perfect sense as she does listen more to other people than me when she gets anxious. She's so much better with her instructor.
He's a total schoolmaster, he once spooked when he got bitten by a horse fly (we think) at a show in summer and she fell off sideways so that is the only weird thing that has ever happened out and about...perhaps she is remembering that too who knows

 

[teapot]

She hasn't suddenly been doing something like road safety at school has she? (No idea what age they do it, if they do it) - just pondering if there's something that's sparked it.

I do think though that if she's not happy hacking and pony doesn't need to, avoiding it isn't a bad option. Do you have any access to off road riding without roads?

 

[Bobthecob15]

She hasn't suddenly been doing something like road safety at school has she? (No idea what age they do it, if they do it) - just pondering if there's something that's sparked it.

I do think though that if she's not happy hacking and pony doesn't need to, avoiding it isn't a bad option. Do you have any access to off road riding without roads?

Other than reading the book with the fall and head injury no not really but she does watch stuff on you tube like Esme who talk about falls etc!

No off road hacking unfortunately, the roads are really really quiet, we never meet traffic but we can't get to off road hacking without going on roads for a good distance.

I plan to box to a hack with some of her friends over winter which will be off road x

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

I'm not sure what to suggest specifically but as an adult who has felt nervous/anxious on a saint of a horse (I agreed with this, it didn't put a foot wrong), people telling me how much of a saint it was all the time made me feel a lot worse even though I knew it was meant with good intentions.

You've said a couple of times she has fallen off this pony? Plus reading the book, plus the YouTube stuff. So her fears aren't entirely unfounded by the sounds of it. Perhaps not in proportion to the risk as you see/assess it but in term of how she feels it.

I think if she is really not happy on the roads/hacking just now why not just let her stick with the things she does enjoy? It's supposed to be fun. Boxing up to an off road hack sounds like a great idea.

 

[PurBee]

I can imagine if at 8 years old i had read or heard stories about serious accidents others had riding i would have been a ball of panic. I wasnt aware of any such thing, and rambled on with cheeky ponies, and i did fall off a lot, bounced a lot, and really didnt mind, because i literally had no idea or awareness i could be seriously injured riding a pony/horse.

In a way, my ignorance of potential dangers at that young age saved me from being nervous. What you dont know cant hurt you type of thing.
I rode all sorts at the large RS i went to, and some were very fresh indeed!…yet i never hurt myself within my bubble of confidence and ignorance! Sometimes our naivety protects us.

I was quite strong willed thinking ‘i try to and can control the pony’, rather than ‘the pony could do anything freaky he wants, and im at his mercy’ - one is a mindset of being confident and in control, the other is a mindset of fear.

All i can suggest is talk to her about focusing on what she wants to achieve when riding, rather than what she doesnt want.
With fear we can always have that ‘potential’ looming over us, distracting our attention, and we completely forget to focus on the good/joy/aims etc.

To focus our attention on what we want, allows any fears to recede and diminish into the background of our awareness, barely perceptible.

I’d remind her how good she is doing all the activities so far with her pony, remind her she has reins and legs and feet that the pony listens to, even when the pony gets confused or scared, she has tools to use to help direct the pony.

You could practice these principles with desensitising work with the pony. Not ridden, on the ground, with some unusual objects the pony isnt familiar with. Your daughter needs to see in action the pony, when unsure, will listen to whoever is handling him. Sometimes seeing is more demonstrable to our minds than just having to believe she has control of him.
I would try to think of ways to demonstrate for her with him, in a safe enclosure, him listening to her when unsure. This also trains her when she senses he is unsure, she becomes very clear with her rein, leg and voice aids.

Another tip I often read on here, from adults with nerve/anxiety issues with riding, is that singing helps. It is something that helps focus the mind, relaxes the body. Ponies sense us get tense and anxious, which can cause tension and anxiousness in them. So if your daughter can understand remaining physically relaxed helps her pony be relaxed thats another tool she has that gives mental confidence.
Us being relaxed around horses is the number 1 prescription all owners need to master, because theyre flight animals so have an ultra sensitive system for picking up danger. They take cures from their handlers/riders, so being relaxed helps them to automatically be relaxed.
Breathing in and out slow and deep, is another exercise while riding that forces relaxing hormones in the body, and helps muscles relax.

I’d start with singing and breathing exercises, so her brain focuses on that and relaxing rather than ‘what if’ thoughts. Bless her, i can completely understand these nerves of ‘what if’ fears, but shes young enough to re-train her mindset. Youre right to be concerned to not encourage avoidance, but depending on her level of fear, if shes crying to not go hacking, then do arena work and singing/breathing exercises, and those shall help train her , so she can control her nerves and induce relaxation by herself. Then suggest mini hacks doing breathing and singing, and take it from there.

Best of luck…it sounds like shes doing so well with riding achievements considering her age, and the pony sounds like a sweetie.

 

[Bobthecob15]

I'm not sure what to suggest specifically but as an adult who has felt nervous/anxious on a saint of a horse (I agreed with this, it didn't put a foot wrong), people telling me how much of a saint it was all the time made me feel a lot worse even though I knew it was meant with good intentions.

You've said a couple of times she has fallen off this pony? Plus reading the book, plus the YouTube stuff. So her fears aren't entirely unfounded by the sounds of it. Perhaps not in proportion to the risk as you see/assess it but in term of how she feels it.

I think if she is really not happy on the roads/hacking just now why not just let her stick with the things she does enjoy? It's supposed to be fun. Boxing up to an off road hack sounds like a great idea.

You're right, she has fallen twice in 10 months, once was when she first got him when he cat jumped over a small upright and she bounced out the saddle and the second time was the horse fly incident. But that's it...I guess to a young child those things are memorable but to me as an adult with experience I'd totally brush those off!

Thanks for the suggestions ill definitely try some of those and perhaps just let her be led for a while on the roads...hopefully she'll get past the anxiety in time

 

[ester]

Would she enjoy leading him out? With the option to hop on if she fancied it?

I do suspect a lot of it is because you're there, send her off with her friends that like to go faster and she'd probably be fine!

 

[fiwen30]

If she is comfortable in the school, why not just let her ride in the school? If she is comfortable out hacking on a lead rein, why not just pop her in a lead rein?

I’ll never understand nervous children not getting the support they need, especially if they ask for it. Really, their needs should be anticipated and support given before they need to ask.

It’s not the end of the world if she hacks on a lead rein, or spends her riding time in the school paying gymkhana games at a walk, is it?

 

[Fred66]

I assume you have transport as you are doing shows and pony club. Possibly speak to a few of the mums of her pony club friends and see if they can get together to go off-road hacks, farm rides etc. Mention needing help in building up her confidence, in groups in open spaces.

For the hacking on roads then make sure you walk closely and try and distract her from overthinking things, reassure her when she wants you to hold him that you don’t think he’ll do anything but you’ll pop him on the lead rope if she wants you to. Just loosen it as she relaxes. As she gains in experience she will gain confidence but try to keep it positive and relaxed at her pace.

 

[Wheresthehoofpick]

As someone who has learnt with the help of psychologists to deal with children with anxieties I have a mixed response here.
The old me would say she is young, let her build her confidence doing the things she enjoys etc etc. I do still think that is an appropriate response.
However I have learnt a lot in the last three years about how anxiety works.
Fundamentally avoidance only builds anxiety and over talking about something builds the neural pathways and strengthens the worry. As parents it seems alien to put the child in the situation that makes them distressed. And we listen to them and try and talk it through. Instead we need to teach the anxious part of their brain, the amygdala, through experience and evidence that it will be ok.
So... the new me in this situation would set a short and achievable hack goal. Say this is what we are going to do. Make it really short 10minutes. Don't overtalk it. If she starts to worry. Say Something like. We have talked about this. We know it's going to be ok. This is the anxious part of your brain being unhelpful. When you get back it's really important to use the evidence. So we went for a hack. Nothing happened. We had a good time. When you are out talk about anything at all other than riding. And repeat.

The theory is that the next time she tries it her anxiety spike will be lower and she will come down faster.
We have to train our brains to cope.
Obviously all this only works if the hacking is genuinely safe.

I have three children with different anxiety profiles. For us this has really worked.

 

[Wizpop]

NLP

 

[cauda equina]

The book with a girl falling off and cracking her skull sounds really weird - do people write books for children with stuff like that going on?
I wonder if it's something she made up because she's imagined it happening to her

Does she need to hack?

 

[Red-1]

........
......Fundamentally avoidance only builds anxiety and over talking about something builds the neural pathways and strengthens the worry. As parents it seems alien to put the child in the situation that makes them distressed. And we listen to them and try and talk it through...........


............Obviously all this only works if the hacking is genuinely safe.

.

For clarity, in my reply I wasn't suggesting 'avoidance' and talking about something. My thoughts have a different feel altogether.

My approach is that she is 8 years old and enjoys many aspects of riding. I was talking about letting her pick what she enjoys in her hobby and do it. This is a feeling of power. She enjoys it, she chooses to do it. I wouldn't even mention hacking unless she asks to go. "What would you like to do today?" is a good question. OP says, "She just isn't interested she'd rather be in the school."

I may suggest other fun things that she might like to do, all of which look progressively more like hacking, such as field rallies or boxing to ride with friends. But, if she says she wouldn't find that fun, the subject would be dropped. As she successfully went to Pony Club camp this summer, she is hardly doing nothing, for one so young especially. I would champion what she is doing and show her how happy I was that she enjoyed that experience, rather than dis-ing her fears.

The successful young riders I know who have stuck at it until adulthood have been allowed to pick what they do, even stopping riding altogether for a time. I feel this is natural in a child so young.

One young child I was teaching, same age, was nervous and losing interest at home where it was her and mum. A change for winter at a riding school, with the pony as a livery, was ideal. Many kids had ponies there, it was like a year-round pony club. Suddenly everything was fun and everything was done. No need to force, counsel, cajole. It was simply all fun. By the next summer, she was happy for said pony to come home as she had her mojo.

I do agree with the allowing a short period of distress and overcoming it when applied to a situation that requires it, such as a visit to the dentist or fear of riding a bus. These are required life skills and these fears have to be overcome.

I would address the broken skull fear, asking where that was from and reassuring that this is why there has been so much research into protective headgear, and why we wear it all of the time.

To me, pony riding is a hobby for her (even if the mother finds it more serious in their life). She is 8 years old and can learn valuable life skills simply from being able to decide what she enjoys and what she doesn't. Because it is a non-necessary hobby, I would just allow the 8 years old to do whatever is fun.

The last line is a sore point for me. I spent ages telling a horse I had that hacking was safe. I am convincing and he believed me. Happy days, safe in traffic. Until a drink driver came along and slammed into his backside and tossed us both down the road. I have never told a horse it is safe since, and much less a child. Crikey, there are many adults who choose not to hack as they believe the roads are dangerous. Sometimes small quiet roads are the worst as they are also narrow with nowhere to escape if a drink driver comes crashing down there.

I do hack, my subsequent horses have been confident in traffic, but that is because of a choice I made. If people had continually told me it was safe (i.e. their disbelief in my fears), it would not have helped my self belief.

I certainly think winter isn't the ideal time to tackle this, so my plan would be to let her do whatever she feels is fun, without drawing attention to the lack of hacking. Suggest fun stuff. Then, next summer, as a 9 year old, she will be back at camp and maybe will feel like doing more. Her choice. I would organically allow her to develop, whilst basking in her pleasure at any activity she chooses to do.

I would feel different if she was sitting at home, bemoaning the fact that she wanted to hack but daren't. Then I would be actively listening to her wants and help her to find a solution. But it sounds like she actively wants to do other stuff, which is fair enough IMO, and then it is affirming to her if you simply enjoy what she chooses to select.