Tips for anxiety in children

[Abacus]

I’m another that would just pop her on the lead rein rather than try to convince/cajole/reason with her. I did the same on foot when my son (then probably only 6) was worried. Half the time I could throw the rope over the pony’s neck and he was fine, but held it if he really wanted me to. He got through it.

 

[Bobthecob15]

Thank you all, some fab suggestions! ?

 

[Bobthecob15]

The suggestion of livery at a riding school is a good one but sadly there are no riding schools within 30 mins of us that do livery (other than working livery which we don't want). We are at livery now but it's mainly a retirement place and she is the only one that rides regularly so we have no company on rides out sadly. We live in a part of the world where kids don't have ponies on livery....all her friends have ponies at home as they all live on farms. We are the only family we know of who use a livery yard, it's really bizarre! We've shopped around and this is the best yard we could find so we are a bit stuck.

I'd love her to have other kids to ride with and hang about the yard with (as i did as a kid) but unfortunately they don't exist where we live. So taking her to shows and rallies and hacks out is the best we can do

 

[Tiddlypom]

I'd back off and put her back on the lead. Let her dictate the pace. I went through a phase of being terrified to ride as a youngster - apparently I had had a fall and got dragged, though I don't remember that.

Despite the perfect set up at home, I was frightened and barely rode age from 4 to 10. Then I got the riding bug again, got my mojo and my nerve back and here I am, 60 years later ?...

 

[Bobthecob15]

I'd back off and put her back on the lead. Let her dictate the pace. I went through a phase of being terrified to ride as a youngster - apparently I had had a fall and got dragged, though I don't remember that.

Despite the perfect set up at home, I was frightened and barely rode age from 4 to 10. Then I got the riding bug again, got my mojo and my nerve back and here I am, 60 years later ?...

Thanks I think you're right x

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

For clarity, in my reply I wasn't suggesting 'avoidance' and talking about something. My thoughts have a different feel altogether.

My approach is that she is 8 years old and enjoys many aspects of riding. I was talking about letting her pick what she enjoys in her hobby and do it. This is a feeling of power. She enjoys it, she chooses to do it. I wouldn't even mention hacking unless she asks to go. "What would you like to do today?" is a good question. OP says, "She just isn't interested she'd rather be in the school."

I may suggest other fun things that she might like to do, all of which look progressively more like hacking, such as field rallies or boxing to ride with friends. But, if she says she wouldn't find that fun, the subject would be dropped. As she successfully went to Pony Club camp this summer, she is hardly doing nothing, for one so young especially. I would champion what she is doing and show her how happy I was that she enjoyed that experience, rather than dis-ing her fears.

The successful young riders I know who have stuck at it until adulthood have been allowed to pick what they do, even stopping riding altogether for a time. I feel this is natural in a child so young.

One young child I was teaching, same age, was nervous and losing interest at home where it was her and mum. A change for winter at a riding school, with the pony as a livery, was ideal. Many kids had ponies there, it was like a year-round pony club. Suddenly everything was fun and everything was done. No need to force, counsel, cajole. It was simply all fun. By the next summer, she was happy for said pony to come home as she had her mojo.

I do agree with the allowing a short period of distress and overcoming it when applied to a situation that requires it, such as a visit to the dentist or fear of riding a bus. These are required life skills and these fears have to be overcome.

I would address the broken skull fear, asking where that was from and reassuring that this is why there has been so much research into protective headgear, and why we wear it all of the time.

To me, pony riding is a hobby for her (even if the mother finds it more serious in their life). She is 8 years old and can learn valuable life skills simply from being able to decide what she enjoys and what she doesn't. Because it is a non-necessary hobby, I would just allow the 8 years old to do whatever is fun.

The last line is a sore point for me. I spent ages telling a horse I had that hacking was safe. I am convincing and he believed me. Happy days, safe in traffic. Until a drink driver came along and slammed into his backside and tossed us both down the road. I have never told a horse it is safe since, and much less a child. Crikey, there are many adults who choose not to hack as they believe the roads are dangerous. Sometimes small quiet roads are the worst as they are also narrow with nowhere to escape if a drink driver comes crashing down there.

I do hack, my subsequent horses have been confident in traffic, but that is because of a choice I made. If people had continually told me it was safe (i.e. their disbelief in my fears), it would not have helped my self belief.

I certainly think winter isn't the ideal time to tackle this, so my plan would be to let her do whatever she feels is fun, without drawing attention to the lack of hacking. Suggest fun stuff. Then, next summer, as a 9 year old, she will be back at camp and maybe will feel like doing more. Her choice. I would organically allow her to develop, whilst basking in her pleasure at any activity she chooses to do.

I would feel different if she was sitting at home, bemoaning the fact that she wanted to hack but daren't. Then I would be actively listening to her wants and help her to find a solution. But it sounds like she actively wants to do other stuff, which is fair enough IMO, and then it is affirming to her if you simply enjoy what she chooses to select.

This, just...all of this.

As someone who has learnt with the help of psychologists to deal with children with anxieties I have a mixed response here.
The old me would say she is young, let her build her confidence doing the things she enjoys etc etc. I do still think that is an appropriate response.
However I have learnt a lot in the last three years about how anxiety works.
Fundamentally avoidance only builds anxiety and over talking about something builds the neural pathways and strengthens the worry. As parents it seems alien to put the child in the situation that makes them distressed. And we listen to them and try and talk it through. Instead we need to teach the anxious part of their brain, the amygdala, through experience and evidence that it will be ok.
So... the new me in this situation would set a short and achievable hack goal. Say this is what we are going to do. Make it really short 10minutes. Don't overtalk it. If she starts to worry. Say Something like. We have talked about this. We know it's going to be ok. This is the anxious part of your brain being unhelpful. When you get back it's really important to use the evidence. So we went for a hack. Nothing happened. We had a good time. When you are out talk about anything at all other than riding. And repeat.

The theory is that the next time she tries it her anxiety spike will be lower and she will come down faster.
We have to train our brains to cope.
Obviously all this only works if the hacking is genuinely safe.

I have three children with different anxiety profiles. For us this has really worked.

It needs to be the child's goal though, particularly when it's to do with their hobby.

OP if you are going to use this approach please do get in touch with a qualified person to guide you through it because it could backfire. The goals need to be achievable and the level of anxiety tolerable enough. If the child is spending that whole 10 mins terrified, it's not going to work.

Being able to communicate when we are uncomfortable and to feel we can say "no" is also an important life skill. Some situations we can't opt out of, or if we do it will cause bigger problems long term. This doesn't seem like one of those. If your daughter enjoys her riding generally that's great. Roll with that!

 

[scruffyponies]

It is very much about what you're used to. That said, don't force. I would also put her on the lead for confidence if it helps.
We do so much hacking on the road that my sharers (mostly about 10yo) are, if anything, a little too confident. They're quite settled bombing into gallop on a lane if the mood takes them, but will sometimes have panic attacks if we suggest 'going around the fields' for the first time in a while.
Usually this is only before we get on. IME they usually calm down once mounted.

 

[eahotson]

For clarity, in my reply I wasn't suggesting 'avoidance' and talking about something. My thoughts have a different feel altogether.

My approach is that she is 8 years old and enjoys many aspects of riding. I was talking about letting her pick what she enjoys in her hobby and do it. This is a feeling of power. She enjoys it, she chooses to do it. I wouldn't even mention hacking unless she asks to go. "What would you like to do today?" is a good question. OP says, "She just isn't interested she'd rather be in the school."

I may suggest other fun things that she might like to do, all of which look progressively more like hacking, such as field rallies or boxing to ride with friends. But, if she says she wouldn't find that fun, the subject would be dropped. As she successfully went to Pony Club camp this summer, she is hardly doing nothing, for one so young especially. I would champion what she is doing and show her how happy I was that she enjoyed that experience, rather than dis-ing her fears.

The successful young riders I know who have stuck at it until adulthood have been allowed to pick what they do, even stopping riding altogether for a time. I feel this is natural in a child so young.

One young child I was teaching, same age, was nervous and losing interest at home where it was her and mum. A change for winter at a riding school, with the pony as a livery, was ideal. Many kids had ponies there, it was like a year-round pony club. Suddenly everything was fun and everything was done. No need to force, counsel, cajole. It was simply all fun. By the next summer, she was happy for said pony to come home as she had her mojo.

I do agree with the allowing a short period of distress and overcoming it when applied to a situation that requires it, such as a visit to the dentist or fear of riding a bus. These are required life skills and these fears have to be overcome.

I would address the broken skull fear, asking where that was from and reassuring that this is why there has been so much research into protective headgear, and why we wear it all of the time.

To me, pony riding is a hobby for her (even if the mother finds it more serious in their life). She is 8 years old and can learn valuable life skills simply from being able to decide what she enjoys and what she doesn't. Because it is a non-necessary hobby, I would just allow the 8 years old to do whatever is fun.

The last line is a sore point for me. I spent ages telling a horse I had that hacking was safe. I am convincing and he believed me. Happy days, safe in traffic. Until a drink driver came along and slammed into his backside and tossed us both down the road. I have never told a horse it is safe since, and much less a child. Crikey, there are many adults who choose not to hack as they believe the roads are dangerous. Sometimes small quiet roads are the worst as they are also narrow with nowhere to escape if a drink driver comes crashing down there.

I do hack, my subsequent horses have been confident in traffic, but that is because of a choice I made. If people had continually told me it was safe (i.e. their disbelief in my fears), it would not have helped my self belief.

I certainly think winter isn't the ideal time to tackle this, so my plan would be to let her do whatever she feels is fun, without drawing attention to the lack of hacking. Suggest fun stuff. Then, next summer, as a 9 year old, she will be back at camp and maybe will feel like doing more. Her choice. I would organically allow her to develop, whilst basking in her pleasure at any activity she chooses to do.

I would feel different if she was sitting at home, bemoaning the fact that she wanted to hack but daren't. Then I would be actively listening to her wants and help her to find a solution. But it sounds like she actively wants to do other stuff, which is fair enough IMO, and then it is affirming to her if you simply enjoy what she chooses to select.

Well said.