To those who have lost horses...

[Serenity087]

Did anyone else just find theirs gone?

I'm beginning to find myself haunted by all the stuff I couldn't do, like say goodbye, and although I hugged and kissed her when they came to collect her it just wasn't the same

How long did it take people to recover? It's 15 months now

 

[Sparkles]

I was there till the end, though it was terrifyingly quick and out of th blue. That was 8 weeks ago yesterday.

I hate that memory left, as its the strongest one currently. Which is confusing, as equally was glad I gave him some dignity and could remin with him throughout. Yet still resent the fact that I now have to keep that memory with me. All the happy memories I have with him to choose from....and that is the strongest and first.

I go about my business, and carry on. At nights or if I'm not busy....then I still blubber like a baby out of sight in all honesty.


So not the same...but I don't think you ever recover, you just make yourself carry on as really, nothing else to do.

If that helps.

 

[HBM1]

I lost my boy six years ago..it was very traumatic and I still grieve. I think it took two years for the painful part to go away.

 

[Serenity087]

ChristmasSparkles - My last memories focus on the long walk across the yard to find out why she wasn't standing at the door, which gets longer every time I remember it, and the moment I put my hand out to touch her face. I already knew she was gone but feeling her cold like that confirmed it. There was nothing I could do.

HBM1, thank you, that's some comfort. I was beginning to wonder if I'm just going mad cos it still hurts so bad

 

[Spring Feather]

I found one of my oldies dead about a month ago. He was 40 years old and had fallen down in the field a few days prior but then he seemed to be larger than life the following day which I've found is often the precursor to them dying, so every morning I did actually expect to find him dead. I gave him the run of the stable block and a small paddock right next to his friends. When I went out to feed one morning a few days later I called him and he didn't come out of the stable block, so I went in and there he was dead. He looked totally at peace and hadn't been rolling around, he'd just died. He was still toasty warm so he hadn't been gone long. I was sad as he was a nice little thing, but it was nothing to what I felt last week when my mare, who I completely and utterly adored, died totally unexpectedly and the loss of her devastated me. I am coming to terms with it now but I still have my moments.

 

[elijahasgal]

The first one I lost was a riding school horse, but I had a teriffic bond with him, and being close to the owner of school, he was essentially mine in all bar name. I was 200 miles away, and felt him shot. It took me a long time to get over it.
Second was my first horse, given to me by said school. He had tendon injuries. More intense in some ways, haunted in my sleep by him, slept under his rug for a long time. I had let a friend ride him, and he spooked and took off with her, ending up coming down the road at racing gallop. Blew his tendons again. I was given him with the condition that if they went again he would be shot. She also gave me the most comfort.
third was 15 months ago. she had an old back injury, that was getting worse. I knew for months. Strangly I cried about it before, and talked to her, and feel that in telling her everything she gave me acceptance.
I miss her in some ways more, but I have her first daughter, who is expecting at the moment. She was so gentle, and no bother, not pushy or demanding, just a very restful horse to be around. I had rescued her originally, and she had changed my horse path! Seeing as she was glowing health, it seemed hard, but with her back issue getting worse, I couldnt bear the thought of her going down in winter and not being able to get purchase to get up, and possibly being down for hours, which would have been the end of her anyway. Then the thought that if that happened we wouldnt have been able to move her body. Her last thoughts if that had happened would have been fear, stress, panic, and I couldnt do that.

Difficult, as I still find myself looking up for her in the field (she hated being stabled) But I am seeing more of her in her daughter at the moment, and comfort myself with that

 

[Liath]

Give yourself time... I know it's a cliche, but it really is true.

I lost my beloved mare suddenly and unexpectedly coming up on two years ago, and for a long time after the only memory I could clearly picture was of her 'going down' as the vet did what had to be done- it is only fairly recently that I can think of her without bursting into tears, and definitely only in the last couple of months that my first 'picture' when I think of her is of a happy, healthy pony bounding over the field to greet me, and in fact, only last night that I was able to look through my photos of her without ending up a mess.

It will get easier.

 

[merrymeasure]

Though I was able to say goodbye to my two beautiful boys, it still hurts. I lost my old ex-racer Bob two years ago in May, but even now I still grieve over him. I know he was 29, but that doesn't really make it easier. And how I miss that big black head over the stable door, whickering a greeting to me in the mornings. And my big strong, feisty cob Murphy was my rock when I lost Bob, and I thought he and I would grow old together, but it wasn't to be. He was taken from me by colic (same as Bob), one snowy Saturday morning in January this year. I had left a happy, healthy horse on the Friday night, and by Saturday morning he was gone.

Oh how I miss them both, like ChristmasSparkles, I carry on through the day, and in my private moments to myself, I cry. Doesn't take much. I now have a little filly, and, bless her, she has helped me so much, but I shall always love my two boys.

It takes time, and I think you don't really get over it, just get used to it. They will always be there, whatever you do, and wherever you are. I do so feel for you. A bit of me went with them, but I know I'll see them both again one day. Take care x

 

[HBM1]

I will always let mine go with an injection. Losing them is bad enough..with memories of the event replaying over and over..the last thing I could cope with would be that sound too. Personal I know...but I just could never

 

[JinglebellJessi & MistletoeMagic]

I just remember turning him out in the morning the going on a road trip to ingatestone saddlery to buy lots of treats and a new headcollar, I came walking up the lane and he was just laying there. He was only a 1.5yo colt so at first i didn't worry as he loved to lay, but as i got closer i noticed his eyes open and just broke down.

That was 2 years ago, I still think about it from time to time yet when i knew my gelding was being out down, I'd known for month yet that haunts me more because i go over what i did, what i could have done, could i have changed it? ect

 

[quirky]

It'll be 10 years in September. He was part of my life for 17 years and at times I can still feel the tears well when I think of him.
I'd say it was a good year before I felt 'better' about it all.

 

[googol]

Our old boy died in the stable. Suspected heart failure / heart attack. The shock was completely overwhelming but once I came to terms with it I sort of accepted it in a strange way. It did take some time tho and even now although I feel like I have accepted it, I still can't quite believe it? He was perfectly fine the night before he died and the vet said it would have been quick and painless which gives a small amount of comfort. For me it was actually harder when I had to PTS my mare after she broke her leg. I think it's cos I made the decision for her, and I know she was stood for about 2hrs before being PTS. It was clearly a very difficult decision to make but the vets words "u need to make ur decision now or else this will become a welfare case" will haunt me forever. I know what he meant but it made me feel like I had let her suffer but my head was all over the place. Losing a horse is unbelievably painful and my heart really goes out to everyone who has, u really must treasure each day

 

[Nudibranch]

It's very difficult, especially when you've had them a long time. I lost my mare of 28 years before Christmas and her injection was botched, the cannula missed the vein... won't go into it again but one of the hardest things now is remembering how hard she fought. I know it was just one of those things, and she was such a tough little thing, so it was her way. The only thing that gives me peace is that while the vet was away to get his gun we had a long time on our own (OH was away for the day) and when she finally went down I was able to cradle her and calm her, and at least I know she understood then that she could go. Even typing it makes me cry though! I wish she'd just gone peacefully in the field.

I have a lovely framed photo of her in the living room so I can see her every day, and I have kept a lock of tail hair which one day I'll do something with. Never been hit so hard by losing one, I've always been the rational one.

 

[micramadam]

I lost my first 30 years ago. This was the pony I grew up with and a fantastic brood mare. She broke her hind leg whilst at stud and at the tender age of 17 with no support from non horsey parents I had her shot. What made it worse was that she had a 5 week old foal at foot. I bottle fed him for a while till we found a foster mum. There wasn't the network those days that there is now in finding a replacement mummy. Unfortunately I also lost him 2 weeks later to a brain haemorraghe (sp). I am still convinced he died of a broken heart.
Have never got over Kitty's death. Even 30 years later I still cry over her.

My latest loss is still very fresh and the grief very raw. Ruby, my once in a lifetime horse. Many of you followed our struggle on here and we had huge support. As another poster said, if you keep busy, you're ok. It's the quiet moments or a song on the radio that sets me off. Even typing this I am quietly sobbing. Don't think I will ever get over her. and not sure I want to.
I do however have a lovely momento of her (see below) and when I can part with it, I will send her tail hair to be made into jewellery.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

I wasn't allowed to stay with my lad at the RVC, but it was my decision to let him go. I had hoped he would miraculously pull through but it wasn't to be. I can talk about I now without bawling, but it took a couple of years before I could.

 

[alwaysbroke]

Lost my horse of a life time nearly 5 years ago. Abbas Dancing Queen was her 'song' everytime I have heard it since I lost her I have cried, but strangely associate it with M sending me a message, I wouldn't have bought my boy J if on the morning I was due to pick him up I started the car and Dancing Queen was on. Strangely this week I channel hopped on the car radio and it was on for the first time I found myself smiling and asking M what she was sending me........a few hours later I had a phone call to say I had won a very expensive bridle! Only thing I have ever won

 

[Farma]

I lost my horse of 20 years before xmas i still cry every day, i have been devastated by the loss of her, i keep wondering when i will feel better about it

 

[Holzdweaver]

I lost my mare over three years ago now, she was my best friend, my family and everything i had in the world. I don't think you ever get rid of that empty feeling and total devastation. I think your body and mind just gets used to it, and so it seems easier to cope, rather than it actually going away. I can at least talk about some things but i still have moments when i think of her death and it all gets a bit much. Sometimes for a split second il expect her to be waiting at the gate for me and feel utterly crushed when she isn't

 

[1stclassalan]

Ooow - what a thread! I'm not overly sentimental or dwell on things maukishly and can deal with many sorts of tragedy in a realistic, practical manner. I saw my first dead person - another child - that occurred in the most ridiculously stupid circumstances that if you put it on YouTube every viewer would say that it was faked - but it wasn't. Us children - there were quite a few about - were shooed away by adults though some of the blood remained on the scene and was used to test manliness amongst the boys and to scare the girls ( we were all sterotypes in those days!)

Later, I saw many dead, some died exceeding close by and not prettily - to be honest the ONLY consideration I gave the experience was like the last words in Moby Dick - "I alone survive!"

I've sat and pondered ( wonderful places - stables) why is it that we cannot feel a vast shudder from Giaia over a disaster on the other side of the globe? There's no such thing as ESP - but I understand and relate to people who want to imagine there is - the outpourings of sympathy and good vibes posted on here are much the same sentiments.

Most posters will know how deeply I connected with my mare - my wife's "old plodder" that I dismissed but later bought for her in secret as a love token and how the mare revealled herself to be very different from her riding school persona - my journey ( hate the term ) into besotted mare worship. So yes, despite me knowing it was on the cards with growing certainty each year - her departure to the Happy Paddock left me bereft - I still have great difficulty reading "Stop all the clocks" to myself and rarely get to line three before me old mincers are misting. Twenty years ago this January and I still feel loss and doubt that it will ever leave me.

 

[Parachute]

The first horse i've ever known die was a lovely grey mare called 'Cindy' for about 3 years I used to go and groom her and she was lovely, one day I went and found a note on her stable door saying she'd died. I was devastated!

Next was lovely Willow, she taught me to ride for a good 7/8 years and - not making this up - for about two days before I had dreams of her dying and then my dad sat me down and told me she'd died, I cried for about 2 days but it wasn't really a shock as I sort of already knew.

I think it depends how they're taken from you to how you react!
Sorry for your loss xx

 

[Spring Feather]

I think it depends how they're taken from you to how you react!

Yes I think that's more what Serenity is asking. If I'm understanding her post correctly I think she wants to know how people were with finding a horse dead, rather than going through the usual being there and having your horse PTS in your presence. In my case where I found the old one dead, it was expected so there was no shock involved for me. In Serenity's case there was and she's thinking about Dorey dying with her not there and all the things she may have wanted to say, couldn't be said as Dorey was already gone when Serenity found her. I expect the hurt, sadness and shock could be greater, and last longer, in that case than when we go through the motions of knowing we are having our horse PTS.

 

[Parachute]

Yes I think that's more what Serenity is asking. If I'm understanding her post correctly I think she wants to know how people were with finding a horse dead, rather than going through the usual being there and having your horse PTS in your presence. In my case where I found the old one dead, it was expected so there was no shock involved for me. In Serenity's case there was and she's thinking about Dorey dying with her not there and all the things she may have wanted to say, couldn't be said as Dorey was already gone when Serenity found her. I expect the hurt, sadness and shock could be greater, and last longer, in that case than when we go through the motions of knowing we are having our horse PTS.

Oh sorry, I must have misread it

 

[Rosiejazzandpia]

Lost my lovely mare 10 days ago. I stayed until the end when the vet gave her the injection but I wish I hadnt. I never will stay till the end again as all I see now is that. I keep replaying that moment everytime I close my eyes.
I can go about my business in the day no problem, but as soon as I stop doing anything or try to sleep I find myself blubbering like a silly baby over the fact that I wont be abke to groom that lovely little snip on her nose or wont see her at the fence when I go to bring her in.
Sorry to anybody who has lost a horse either recently or a while ago, it hurts like hell xxx

 

[Holding]

I had sold mine, so not exactly the same, but I was still devastated when I got the text from his owner saying that he had been found dead. The worst part was that I had been meaning to go up to visit him for ages, but not had the chance, and so I never did get to say goodbye. For a long time I kept thinking about all the what ifs, and kicking myself for not having seen him when I had the chance. Haven't been back to that yard since - not sure I could stand walking out to the field without him headbutting me in the back to push me up hills. Getting the new horse has helped a lot, but you never really get over it - they always stay with you. But, if it helps at all, now I can smile because he was in my life rather than cry because he's gone.