Total Confidence Crisis

[Blythe Spirit]

Ok so this is a bit of a long story... I have never been the worlds bravest rider but given a sensible enough horse this has not stopped me hacking for many miles, jumping 85cm, xc schooling over small fences and riding up to medium dressage unaffiliated. 18 months ago my father was killed in a riding accident (no one knows what happened but in short he fell and despite wearing a hat was knocked out and never came round) my father was a good pal and often a riding pal. He was not a super duper rider but was riding a horse who he had ridden several times a week for 15 years without any major mishap. I was conscious that I might suffer a confidence wobble at at first I didn't in fact I did more, Happily taking over the ride on his horse and doing more jumping with my horse than I had ever done. Then at Christmas I had a bad fall (my first nasty fall in some 20 yrs of riding) and got knocked out and lost a good chunk of memory - apparently my horse over jumped (which he has always done on occasion) I lost my balance, my horse panicked and accidentally kicked me on the way down. Since then I have just got more and more anxious about it. Hacking out terrifies me - I can just about force myself to walk and trot round the village so long as I lead back over the last fields. I have gone from enjoying jumping 80cm to just about managing 1foot6. but for a while I could still hack my older horse (the one which was my father's) but about 6 weeks ago I had a close shave with a tractor who didn't slow down on a main road, horse span and almost collided with traffic behind him - saved by the fact the car behind saw what was going to happen and had stopped. Now the horse is terrified of his own shadow and I am in no position to help him. so I have this old horse who we have had since he was 6 who I have hacked miles and miles and miles on and never had a wobble and I am terrified to hack him out now too. so I have two horses who I can only enjoy riding in the school mostly on the flat - this is no life for them - they both loved to hack and have both covered many miles with me and in reality neither horse is too much for me. But I just get terrified, this panic just wells up - last week I rode to the yard gate and my horse jogged just jogged ONE step, that was it I couldn't do it, I turned round and got off. So many tiny short hacks have ended with me leading back in tears. I am 40 and perfectly sensible but I just cant get passed this.... Any ideas? anyone else overcome serious confidence issues? Should I just give up? swap my younger horse who is a nice talented forward all rounder for something which is 900% bomb proof? I just have no idea how to get passed this....

 

[Shay]

First thing... deep breath. You feel like you are the only one in the world that this has happened to etc.etc. Take heart. Personal and painful and intense as this is - you are not alone. Everyone on here has either had the same thing or will do. No-one is immune. That is not to say everyone feels to the same intensity you do - this is your pain and it is personal. But just know you are not alone.

There are loads of options for help - you need to find what is most suitable for you. As best you can without guilt or baggage. You are not a bad person, nor are you betraying your dad, if you want to give up. Nor are you a bad person etc if you want to carry on. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do.

Have a think about things like confidence riding courses. If looking at this in the company of others appeals then you can recommendations from here as to good ones. Alternatively - what about sports coaching / NLP and pursue a resolution with just you and an instructor? There are loads of equine specific NLP practitioners. (Which probably tells you something about how common confidence problems are.) There is help available. And if the first help isn't right - its OK to change it too.

And yes - I was where you are. For me, because of physical injury - riding wasn't a long term option. But I did get back on a horse and I have ridden since. Something I never thought I would be able to do. I get my horse fix on the ground with my daughter's. And thats OK too!

 

[be positive]

So sorry about your father, losing someone close to you in a riding accident will have an impact on your confidence and it sounds as if you are in a type of delayed shock from that as well as taking a serious fall which will compound the issue.

Buying another bombproof horse will probably be a mistake, however bombproof they are supposed to be often moving home will make the horse change slightly just at the time you need it to be totally safe, your older horse recently proved that horses are horses and even the most sensible can overreact at times.

It sounds as if you ride alone and that is probably the main issue, you have to be confident for yourself as well as the horse, riding with company would reduce the risk of something going wrong, make riding more of a pleasure than the stressful situation it currently is, could you find a good instructor or even a friend who rides well and will give you a boost, to come and ride out with you, it would in my view be a better investment than selling one horse and possibly being in a similar situation with a new one.

There are confidence clinics and trainers who specialise in helping riders with this type of issue, rather than giving riding lessons as such which would also be worth looking into.

 

[Blythe Spirit]

Thanks your right I was feeling at the end of my tether - I might investigate NLP I've heard that can be very helpful. I guess I am just so cross with myself that I have always managed despite my nerves and now I just cant seem to do things which were previously not an issue

 

[Dave's Mam]

Breathe & go easy on yourself. I had a terrible confidence wobble when a friend got killed by one of her horses in the field & subsequently my confidence dropped, which I think contributed highly to me getting trampled last week.

You're not alone. You have all of us, but I'd get help in. Nothing wrong in getting a hand when you are struggling, in fact it's half the battle.

*Hugs*

 

[Blythe Spirit]

Thanks 'be positive' - I am better when I hack out with the friend (esp on the older horse) its just hard to fix it up due to working hours etc more than occasionally. My other horse is more jiggy in company - my husband who knows horses offered to come on foot but he did it once and got fed up. Which is pretty typical.

I think your right I don't think my issue is about the individual horse so buying a quieter one wouldn't help - In real terms (ie in every way except in my head) I can easily ride both horses in all kinds of situations.

thanks for your reply

 

[Blythe Spirit]

Thanks for understanding 'camilla's Aunty Em' I hope your ok after last week
Thanks

 

[tiga71]

Don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. You are bound to lose some confidence with what has happened.

Do you have people you can hack out with? I would hack out with other confident riders and horses so that you don't have the same worry about 'What if...' and you don't need to be super confident for your horse. Let both you and your horses borrow someone else's confidence for a bit while you rebuild yours. If one of the horses is a bit nervy on the road after the tractor, can you box out to do some completely off road hacking and meet some friends?

Could you find some confidence building clinics? Fun pole work sessions, baby jumping sessions to just get you out and about having fun.

Where are you? Could you meet up with some local H&Hers for confidence building hacks?

 

[Dave's Mam]

Thanks for understanding 'camilla's Aunty Em' I hope your ok after last week
Thanks

A bit battered & bruised, but with a new sense of determination.

When something happens to one we know & love, it reminds us a lot of our own mortality. I'll be ok, so will you. XX

 

[Red-1]

I am sorry to hear of the death of your father, and think this would give most people a nasty reaction with their own riding. I do think you can get over this, with help.

Asking for help on here would be a great first step, but help itself could come in many different forms. It may be that you would be better only hacking out in company, and to achieve that you may need to make some more contacts, or even move yard.

I would also look at getting some therapeutic type help. If you google Jo Cooper she helps people with just this problem, using tapping and NLP. She even does consultations on the telephone.

A good coach can also help, they can see any issues on a practical level, and can be on the ground to hold your hand, metaphorically or even for real!

Another way may be to just set a time period to stop and draw breath. Maybe give yourself 6 weeks where you are not even going to get on, to take stock and decide what to do. By making a conscious decision to stop puts you back in control.

I do know that usually, just pressing on regardless does not help.

I have looked up Jo's website.... http://www.equestrianconfidence.com/

 

[atropa]

You're not alone and you can and will get through this if you want to. I used to be so anxious about hacking that even the thought of it when I was nowhere near the yard was enough to make me feel physically sick.

 

[Dave's Mam]

Thanks for that Red-1. I think that would be beneficial to me too.

 

[Blythe Spirit]

A bit battered & bruised, but with a new sense of determination.

When something happens to one we know & love, it reminds us a lot of our own mortality. I'll be ok, so will you. XX

Thanks again - I kinda needed to hear that. best of luck and all

 

[Blythe Spirit]

Tiga71 - my older horse hates travelling (Ive pretty much decided at his age its his prerogative) - younger one happily travels but since the fall I cannot get on him without him being held as 1 time in 50 he panics and runs - so hard to box up and hack out. I been doing pole work and baby jumping etc which is helping and at least I do enjoy it. I do hack out with friends (who I trust) as much as I can

 

[View]

OP, in the circumstances that you describe it is no wonder that your confidence has taken a knock. I echo those who have said to stop, take stock and take back control. Red-1 has made some excellent suggestions.

In the meantime, what do you enjoy doing with your horses? Grooming, cuddling? If so, go and do it - give yourself permission to do something you enjoy and take control.

You need to rebuild trust in each other. Groundwork?

 

[Blythe Spirit]

Thanks Red - 1 thats an interesting idea - Just stopping to put myself back in control - I can see the sense in that. I could just accept that I am going to just school for 3 months or so and not beat myself up etc - I can school without being terrified as that's my comfort zone I guess.

I will also look up Jo - thanks for your thoughts

 

[Damnation]

Some fabulous ideas on this thread (that I may even look into myself!!).

Where are you based OP? There may be a HHO'er near you that can help?

 

[Michen]

OP haven't read rhe whole thread so not sure if it's been suggested already. If you are feeling guilty about the idea that your horses will be resigned to the school (which I don't think you need to feel guilty about at all btw) then how about leading them in hand out hacking or long reining. It might actually help your confidence a bit to spend some time out "hacking" with them but without being on board, you could then hope on and off for short stretches if you feel like it and there's absolutely no pressure.

 

[Sukistokes2]

Just wanted to say I wish you all the best, having had confidence issues and with none of the very good reasons you have talked about, I just wanted to say your not alone and it is possible to come though the other side. The only advice I can offer is do only want you want to do and in the time scale you want to do it in. No one knows how you feel so don't listen to anyone except your self. I found having lessons helps a great deal and hacking out with someone. I'm Billy no mates so I pay a professional rider to ride out with me, she is worth her weight in gold because her focus is me not enjoying herself, although she does that too....

 

[Mildlander]

Hi Blythe Spirit
Firstly condolences with regard to your father.
I've been in the same place as you. I had a really bad fall last August from my go to for confidence mare. Had her for 8 years and like you have hacked for miles on her and done everything jumping/dressage etc together, then on a quiet ambling hack she was spooked by I think deer, turned through 90-180o, set off, saddle slipped and I hit the deck harder than I ever have before. X-rayed for fractured pelvis but fortunately ok. For a month just thinking of putting a foot in a stirrup made be feel sick and want to cry, thought I would never ride again.
In the end thought I had to try it so went to a local riding school and explained the situation and had a private lesson on their plodiest horse in the indoor school and it was ok.
I slowly got myself back into it, I invested in an air jacket that I now use for hacking and I only did what I felt like. But the best thing I did was I had 2 sessions of NLP and hypnotherapy which transformed how I felt. Can't explain how it worked but it did. As a result by the spring I was back competing upto 80cm and loving it again.
The best advice I can give is give yourself time and don't feel pressurised to do it if you don't want to. If you get to the gate and feel that's enough then that's fine.
Having been there I do know how it feels and hope that you find a path that works for you.

 

[Blythe Spirit]

Just wanted to say I wish you all the best, having had confidence issues and with none of the very good reasons you have talked about, I just wanted to say your not alone and it is possible to come though the other side. The only advice I can offer is do only want you want to do and in the time scale you want to do it in. No one knows how you feel so don't listen to anyone except your self. I found having lessons helps a great deal and hacking out with someone. I'm Billy no mates so I pay a professional rider to ride out with me, she is worth her weight in gold because her focus is me not enjoying herself, although she does that too....

Thanks - that's all good advise - I do have dressage lessons - but I am not nervous doing that at all. although I am sure it does help having regular encouragement

 

[Blythe Spirit]

OP haven't read rhe whole thread so not sure if it's been suggested already. If you are feeling guilty about the idea that your horses will be resigned to the school (which I don't think you need to feel guilty about at all btw) then how about leading them in hand out hacking or long reining. It might actually help your confidence a bit to spend some time out "hacking" with them but without being on board, you could then hope on and off for short stretches if you feel like it and there's absolutely no pressure.

I did think about in hand hacking - and I would long rein too but for the HUGE main road you have no choice but to navigate which i think would be lethal on long lines all good ideas

 

[Blythe Spirit]

Hi Blythe Spirit
Firstly condolences with regard to your father.
I've been in the same place as you. ... But the best thing I did was I had 2 sessions of NLP and hypnotherapy which transformed how I felt. Can't explain how it worked but it did. As a result by the spring I was back competing upto 80cm and loving it again.
The best advice I can give is give yourself time and don't feel pressurised to do it if you don't want to. If you get to the gate and feel that's enough then that's fine.
Having been there I do know how it feels and hope that you find a path that works for you.

Thanks several folks have mentioned NLP - Ive done a bit of googling and sent a couple of e-mails - so lets hope that may be a way forward - Ive been ignoring the issue for 6 months now and last night when I was reduced to tears yet again by a tiny tiny spook at a bird in a bush on the same horse I have galloped across open land many times - I decided I needed to stop pretending I didn't have an issue here. I love to ride, nothing compares to the freedom and fun and I want to enjoy it again.

 

[Dave's Mam]

You've made a huge step. Onwards & upwards, even if it is baby steps, they are still steps.
We've got your back.

 

[OWLIE185]

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father under tragic circumstances and also of your and your horses confidence issues.
Do you know who the tractor driver was as they should be reported to the police and may I also ask you to report the incident on the www.horseaccidents web site.
Now to getting your confidence back.
I have been very fortunate in always having a very safe, steady and fearless horses and over the years have escorted a number of different riders that have lost their nerve as a result of an accident and have restored them back to their former selves by escorting them on nice laid back hacks on the roads and bridleways etc. In some cases it has taken many months of regular hacking but their confidence was restored and they were able to eventually ride out by themselves again. (I used to box my horse up and go over to them as it was company for me as well).
You need to find yourself a nice sensible riding partner who has an equally laid back horse to regularly ride out with you.
I wish you good luck.

 

[buddylove]

So sorry about your dad.
I have suffered with confidence issues so I went on a confidence clinic run by Amanda Kirtland-Page. It was enlightening, and one of the big messages was to be kind to yourself. Your inner little girl has had a horrible shock, be kind to her.
Definitely worth looking her up!!

 

[Equi]

To repeat, breathe! Im sure everyone has been there. Personally i only started riding again a year ago and i was walk and trot in an arena only after spending 15mins umming and ahhing to mount, anything more was NO.

Take a step back - sometimes i find the more you worry about "force" yourself to do things, the worse things get. Do what you feel comfortable with for now, do it until you are bored with it and want to push the boat a little more. Youll find it creeps back in for you. I was jumping a few weeks ago, from not being able to trot over a pole due to absolute terror

 

[debsflo]

I was going to suggest jo Cooper as well. It's hardly surprising you feel like this having had some major life events including a bereavement of someone very close in a riding accident. Our brains are designed to protect us and that's what yours is trying to do but it's over thinking now. I wish you the best of luck as acknowledging the issue and wanting help means your half way there already.

 

[Blythe Spirit]

I have e-mailed Jo - no reply as yet but hopefully soon I also found a person called Clare Goldie offering a similar service in whitney who I have e-mailed and who has replied ... has anyone heard of Clare? good or Bad