We're just not bonding and it's getting worse : o (

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Scaty_Bird

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I feel like all I do is moan when I post! So sorry!! But I need to get it out...

I've had my new loan horse for about 8 weeks now (I KNOW THIS IS NOT VERY LONG!) and I just don't feel like we're bonding. I don't know what it is but it just doesn't feel right. With my last horse I was nervous of the 'what ifs' but we got on so well and he was so lovely on the ground. My new ned is not really the type who enjoys a fuss but he likes his grooms. He is just recently getting quite grumpy and has started trying it on.

He tried to bite me again last night when I approached him to take his rug off and he bucked with me on him the other day - he generally just feels a bit tense. I've had his teeth checked and I'm going to get his back and saddle done. He is never allowed to get away with anything but it's still getting worse.

The main thing I want to ask everyone is how long do you give it before you decide to give them back/keep them???

I'm loosing my confidence fast and the for the first time ever have thought of giving this up - I love my time with horses and am miserable without them but the enjoyment is fading.

Has anyone else had this issues when settling a new horse in but then grown into a great relationship??

Or has anyone had this feeling and ended up giving them back and not regretted it???

Again sorry for the moan I will try and be more positive in the future!!!!
 
Most horses - and even the most laid back animal, will be out of sorts and try it on when they are with new people. If your horse is grumpy in the stable, either tie him up or see if he is happier outside his box. If he is starting to buck, then go back and check your routine (work, turn out, feed) compared to what he was on previously - and try to change things so it is similiar or compensate ie. if you are (and be honest) are not getting the same amount of proper work into him, then cut his food back etc. My horse is extremely straightforward. A friend's mum borrowed him for a hack (she is an ex eventer so knows her stuff). Friend commented how my horse seemed to go up several gears including suddenly becoming very spooky. Nothing had changed, just didn't stop my horse trying out his new rider!
 
I bought a mare once that I simply never, ever bonded with and it did get worse. I got to the stage that I had great difficulty in just making the effort to go and feed/check her because I never got anything back from her. She bred me a lovely foal (now a 3 year old) but I sold her exactly two years ago and she went to her new home with never a backward glance from either of us.
 
You've only had the horse two minutes - 8 weeks is no time at all. If you feel the same in 6 months - then have re-think.
 
amymay said:
You've only had the horse two minutes - 8 weeks is no time at all. If you feel the same in 6 months - then have re-think.
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This is what I keep telling myself it just gets hard when you feel your confidence being knocked a peg or two each time your with the horse : o (
 
Faithkat said:
I bought a mare once that I simply never, ever bonded with and it did get worse. I got to the stage that I had great difficulty in just making the effort to go and feed/check her because I never got anything back from her. She bred me a lovely foal (now a 3 year old) but I sold her exactly two years ago and she went to her new home with never a backward glance from either of us.
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I do have moments where I feel like we could get on, then next day it changes. Did you ever have good moments with the mare?
 
I felt the same with my little lad, until about 2 months ago. The other horse we have always winneys when he see's me but my horse never did, then one day when I was asking myself does he "like me" (if you know what I mean) he just let out this masive winney at me. He was looking me in the face when he did it, and that was it, now he never leaves me when I go in his field he follows me instead of eating!! He's a cob so this is a big thing.

I cann't make my mind up on if it was me stopping him from trusting me coz I thought he didn't, or if it was him that just needed time. (If that make sence)

I would try it open minded and see if he changes, I think if you think you don't click then you never will. Hope it works out. x
 
Luci07 said:
Most horses - and even the most laid back animal, will be out of sorts and try it on when they are with new people. If your horse is grumpy in the stable, either tie him up or see if he is happier outside his box. If he is starting to buck, then go back and check your routine (work, turn out, feed) compared to what he was on previously - and try to change things so it is similiar or compensate ie. if you are (and be honest) are not getting the same amount of proper work into him, then cut his food back etc. My horse is extremely straightforward. A friend's mum borrowed him for a hack (she is an ex eventer so knows her stuff). Friend commented how my horse seemed to go up several gears including suddenly becoming very spooky. Nothing had changed, just didn't stop my horse trying out his new rider!
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Again - I keep telling myself this but I just can't take my own ruddy advice ; o )
The yards are very different - he came from a quieter yard so I am worried that a busier yard is not suited to him.
 
My mare had been in her former home - a riding school - for many years before being sold to a dealer. When she first came she was very quiet but once she'd found her feet she became quite bolshy and I found her a bit intimidating. She would turn her back end on me when I entered the stable, though she never attempted to kick. Riding she would buck whenever asked for a change of pace. It took a long time, almost a year, but she did eventually settle and has become the most loving and affectionate of horses. It has been worth the wait and she certainly has a home here for the rest of her life.

Horses build strong relationships and I think they grieve when they leave former homes. It can take a while for them to settle and feel secure and eight weeks isn't anywhere long enough.
 
picolenicole said:
I cann't make my mind up on if it was me stopping him from trusting me coz I thought he didn't, or if it was him that just needed time. (If that make sence)
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You have hit the nail on the head! Everything you have just said makes total sense to my situation!!!!! It's a real trust issue and I keep telling mysefl that he doesn't like me (I sound so stupid! lol).
 
I would give it a bit longer he seems to be testing the water with you and you just need to lay down some boundries. What about getting a couple of lessons on him? Mayb a different view from the ground might help? The both of you need to time to adjust to each other and it would be a shame to give up so soon. I would give it another couple of months at least and see how you get on but you will need a positive attitude towards it or you might as well give up now (and i in no way mean that in a nasty kind of way i just wasnt sure the best way to word what i mean)
 
jendie said:
My mare had been in her former home - a riding school - for many years before being sold to a dealer. When she first came she was very quiet but once she'd found her feet she became quite bolshy and I found her a bit intimidating. She would turn her back end on me when I entered the stable, though she never attempted to kick. Riding she would buck whenever asked for a change of pace. It took a long time, almost a year, but she did eventually settle and has become the most loving and affectionate of horses. It has been worth the wait and she certainly has a home here for the rest of her life.

Horses build strong relationships and I think they grieve when they leave former homes. It can take a while for them to settle and feel secure and eight weeks isn't anywhere long enough.
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It's great to hear a success story of where it wasn't 'perfect' to start with but turned out to be a great relationship - fingers are firmly crossed that this is where I will be heading.
 
Scaty_Bird said:
I do have moments where I feel like we could get on, then next day it changes. Did you ever have good moments with the mare?
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Nope, she blanked me pretty much all the time. I never had any problems with her physically - I could always catch her and she didnt mind me being around the foal etc but she completely ignored me, I simply wasn't there. The lady who bought her from me loves her to bits and bonded pretty much immediately.
 
Billsmam said:
I would give it a bit longer he seems to be testing the water with you and you just need to lay down some boundries. What about getting a couple of lessons on him? Mayb a different view from the ground might help? The both of you need to time to adjust to each other and it would be a shame to give up so soon. I would give it another couple of months at least and see how you get on but you will need a positive attitude towards it or you might as well give up now (and i in no way mean that in a nasty kind of way i just wasnt sure the best way to word what i mean)
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No offence taken, totally understand what your saying : o )

I will have some lessons on him, it's just getting my confidence up to be a bit firmer when riding. Luckily I have an instructor who has known me a long time and knows how to push me without it getting upsetting for both horse and rider.

Thanks for all your advice everyone, I best get on and do some work! ; o )
 
Your treading in to unknown water, your learning about him, he's learning about you, so there is going to be uncertantiy and lack of trust on both parts.

Make sure there is nothing wrong with him to start with like you said your doing, then don't try to get attatched, in fact do the opposite, treat him like a horse not a pet, he's there to do a job and serve his master and don't compair him to your other horse....thats the worst thing you can do.

Once you have established who's who and stuck to the above attitude, then your horse will slowly learn to enjoy your company and I promise you, you will bond, then you can fuss/cuddle etc him as much as you want when he learns to respect you.

8 weeks is not long, sometimes it can take 8 months to 8 years to form a good partnership with a horse, try to focus on the postive things about him, the rest will follow providing you are confident and know how to handle him correctly.
 
Its a tough one, it does take a while sometimes to bond. My old mare and me didnt really bond until we had been together for about 18 months. Now you seriously couldnt offer me enough money to buy her (even though she is pretty much retired now!).

I bonded with the chestnut in my siggie in about the first 30 seconds

On the other hand (and I never ever thought this would happen to me) for 2 years I had a mare who I finally sold around a year ago because we never bonded at all. I didnt enjoy riding her. She wasnt scary/naughty or anything, I just didnt enjoy it and was always happy when I got off. She was angelic to handle so it wasnt that. Finally after 2 years I was paying someone to ride her because I just didnt have the enthusiasm to do it myself and I realised that I would sooner give up riding altogether than ride her. I sold her to a girl who adores her and I am embarrassed to say I havent missed her at all.

That said I think that unless you are very very sure its not going to work I would give it a bit longer. Two months is really not long. The summer months are so much easier and you may well find that when your horse is a bit more laid back you will start to get attached to each other.
 
I just wanted to add that I have a funny old mare who I have owned for 3 years and I love her to pieces but I never used to think that she even knew who I was. I had had her for about 2 years and when I used to do her all I got was miserable faces, she never liked cuddles and still doesn't and is generally just a cantancerous mare. Anyway, about 2 years in to owning my mare I went on holiday and when I came back I excpected her to not even register me but Maggie came rushing down the field calling her head off had a CUDDLE(un heard of) and we had a lovely ride etc, the next day I went up the yard and she pulled the most horrid of faces and turned her back on me and kept eating! But I know she loves me really and I have her sussed now. So long story short, horses are horses and not all of them show their love in a personal and effectionate way as after all they are horses but this does not mean that you dont have a bond with them, you just might not be picking up the small signs. Hold tight, have some lessons and dont get down if it is not how you expected a bond to be as you never know what they are thinking.
 
You need to give it time. Remember, horses don't care what or how you FEEL about them, you are just another member of the herd.

I am lucky, as we bought a really affectionate and personable gelding who pretty much gets on with everyone. He and I are best mates and he would follow me through the gates of Hades if I asked. But there are times when he is really pissed at something I have done. Maybe I could not get to see him for a week, leaving my OH to do all the chores, or maybe I took him hacking on one route and he would have preferred to go on another, but we always make up and always end up the best of friends.

Consistency of approach I believe is critical. If he's all licks and kisses or if he's as grumpy as you like, I always treat him exactly the same way. It also helps if you can find something your horse really likes doing. H will put up with schooling, provided there is some fast work, preferably involving some jumping at some point. If I did nothing but schooling with him, he would soon get very grumpy / bored (and so would I).
 
Don't expect too much of him this early. He has lost all his points of reference and is unhappy. My mare was very compliant when I first bought her (she was still on the same yard) but after a couple of months she started to misbehave and try it on. She wasn't at all affectionate, and only saw me as something to provide her food. 15 years later, it is still incredibly rare for her to call to me - if she does it usually means she is feeling stressed. The best I can hope for is a flutter of her nostrils - if I'm lucky. However, she shows her affection in other ways. When I have been away for the huge time of 4 days, she likes to stand beside me in the field, or hang about grazing very close, and even, gosh, lean her forehead against my chest. I suspect that in the past she has had as many owners as I've had hot dinners and she has learned that trusting and liking people isn't a good idea because they just send you away and reject you. It took a good 10 years for her to be less stand-offish to me, and to show some signs of affection.

Take your time, stand you ground and be clear what you expect. Be generous with praise, but don't over-fuss him. Alot of animals don't like it. Talk to him when you groom him and keep talking when you ride him. It forces you to breathe steadily which will help to relax you and speech is soothing to horses.
 
Don't forget that spring is just round the corner so some horses are undergoing a bit of a personality change at the moment.

I once bought a horse who came from a professional competition yard. He did not seem to have any personality and I didn't get any 'feedback' when I rode him. Fast forward a couple of years and he was the yard favourite!
 
Hi. Just remember your horse needs time to settle in as well and learn to trust you. When we bought a horse a year ago for my other half he was really worried because he thought she didn't like him, a year on and they are great together. OH said the other night that he would cry if she died! People have told me that it can take a horse up to a year to settle in a new home. Give it some time, I'm sure you'll be ok.
 
There's an old saying that it take a year for horse and rider to get use to each other and very true it is too. Remember he's having to get use to your ways are you trying to get use to his. They are not machines with no feelings and at 8 weeks he's most probably feeling lost and alone and wondering when he's going home. think of yourself as a young child dumped on to strangers and wondering what the hell is going on and where's mum and dad, you'd get bolshy too.
 
Thanks to everyone who has replied so far.

I was hoping to reply saying how much better we're getting on but that is far from true! I am starting to wonder if the yard setting is not suited to him as he is getting quite uptight at the slightest change. I turned him out in the school last night and he went nuts - not a 'i'm having a great time' nuts, a 'get me out of here and in that field' kind of nuts. He came from a private yard of about 10 horses and he is now at a livery/riding school of about 25 horses that is quite busy.

I only have him on loan and I don't want to give back a 'broken' horse, it's just fair on him and his owner so I'm thinking it better to give him back sooner rather than later. It's also starting to make me soooooooooo nervous and I haven't even ridden him in the last two weeks because I'm scared to (there we go I've admitted it!).

Helllllpppp!!! What to do! I think I've made my mind up to give him back but have moments where I'm unsure. I don't even know where I'd begin if I rung the owner (she does know what has been going on and I have been honest with her). I just end up going home in tears everytime I've seen him.
 
I think you know the answer deep down - to give him back. I fully appreciate that it takes time to bond with a horse but looking after one should be a relaxing and pleasurable past time, with getting to know each other being part of the fun - not something that causes you both stress.
Horses are like people - we don't get on with everyone we meet and the same goes for horses. There is no shame in admitting it is not working out and I suspect if you leave it longer, things may go more wrong.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!
 
I was in the situation where 'beggars can't be choosers' with my boy. After losing my confidence on my showjumping pony I loaned this big, heavy, stupid, annoying, bargy, pig-headed cob - it took 6 months and his owner to tell me he was being sold to fall completely head over heels in love with him. He's now all mine and I don't even know if I'd be riding if it wasn't for him.

Perhaps tell the owner how you are feeling, give them a bit of warning, try and make it work for a few months and decide then?
 
"Bonding" can take ages. It must have been about 9 months before I felt that my Arab actually started to like being around me. Before that he felt like just another horse, and I was just another person doing things to him. I think it's important not to try to force your "love" on them. If they don't want your hugs, scratches and tlc, then don't give it untill they are ready. I used to just go to the field, give him a treat and leave. Or go to the field, offer him a scratch and leave.
With your horse there is something else to consider. Maybe you're right, maybe he isn't settled on this new and bigger yard. Maybe it's noisier, maybe the people who handle him are a bit different to what he's used to. So I wouldn't wait to give the owner back a broken horse, but if you've got any doubt, maybe the owner could visit and give you some input before you make the decision.
For bonding, 8 weeks is nothing though.
 
Ask yourself do you like him!? It took me a long time to bond with my ISH but from day one I liked and trusted him, and knew he was right for me.
Similarily I have been in a sitaution where I thought I had bought the perfect horse, but within days knew I had made a mistake - I sold him on quickly to somone who does get on with him and they have a lovely time together.
As in my previous reply, life is too short.....
 
As others have said it can take a while, few months minimum. One lady I know said it took a good 18 months before she and her lad really got on and bonded, I would say 6 months as it seems that first month they settle in and act good as gold, second month try it on and depending on how this goes either get worse or better.

I have to say though, when I bought my mare she was 3, unbroken and pretty wild. She was hard to handle in every way and I didn't even think about whether we had bonded or not, I had bought her for life and that was it. Five years later, it's probably only recently that we are now close and a great team and have more of a connection, it's our history that had made us a good partnership, if I'd have thought about it too much early on I would have sold her years ago - so glad I didn't!
 
Thanks for the further advice everyone.

I feel really awful doing this to the horse and owner. I did have a really successful loan previously and don't want to upset the owner of this horse. I also feel the poor lad deserves a chance to chilll out and feel settled before I make a decision - I'm just worried that I'll loose my confidence and he'll loose his. I also do agree that some horses and people just don't get on that well.

Typically this loan was sorted by a friend and don't want her to feel like I'm letting her down/putting her in a difficult position too. She is a good friend and I think she'll totally understand.

Sorry people, just babbling now!

I'm going to give it a good think, see how it goes over the weekend, maybe see if someone confident will sit on him for me too. I might even get a personality transplant so I stop moaning!
 
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