What do I say?! Arg mother. *LONG*

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I have my first ODE in three weeks (interschools, so i'll know half the people there making it more embarassing when i fall off in the dressage or something lol)
My mum is semi-horsy. I say semi because she has only really 'got into it' the past year or so since i've started competing more regularly and got a different horse which is at a predominately eventing yard- and she is now on her way to being a) a pushy parent
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and b) a nervous spectator
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- she doesn't ride.
The last few events i've been to, or even just school training, she has been standing at the side, gasping very audibly whenever anything goes 'wrong'- even if i just get a bit deep to the fence or whatever. Afterwards, she gives me her very measured, 'tactful' opinion of what i did wrong and what i could/should have done that everyone else did apart from me, coupled with sympathetic stuff about how it's ok, i'm/ my pony's not as experienced as the rest or something like that, which i know is said with entirely good intentions, but up until that point- i usually think i've done okish! (may not be true, but still)
At a hunter trial i went to at easter, i was riding my friend's horse (as a confidence-giving ride after some hellish ones on my then horse in which my mum was quite right to say were awful to watch!) i tried to talk to my mum after friend's mum had giving her a very blunt 'talking to' in which she told her that her attitude was holding me back etc. Mum came to me and said 'what rubbish etc etc' and i thought that might be a good time to tactfully say 'well actually...'- because her nerves do give me nerves!!- and she appeared to take it on board. Then the next week we did evening SJ and she was the same.
She is now saying she is coming to the ODE to give me support as Dad (trailer driver
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) has to 'dump' me, trailer and pone at the venue as he has stuff to do. I don't mind this, i have a friend who is 'grooming' for me, lots of adults around etc, but she has said i need her there to help. (I repeat, she doesn't ride, and can just about hold onto pone, but def not tack/boot up etc.)
Understand that i am SERIOUSLY thankful to her and always will be to her for allowing me to have horses etc, but I want her not to come to competitions, or at least not this one. Please tell me whether this sounds fair, or if i sound like a b*tchy, ungrateful spoilt brat- which looking back at this post i do sound very much like
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Why not just tell her to keep her opinions to herself this is what i would say to my mum lol nothing worse when they try and pretend they know more than you luckily my mum isn't like that at all my horse jumped out a showing ring with me and she just stood there and laughed and eventually came and helped lol
 
I have a related issue with non-expert but opinionated parents! You'd probably be happier with mine though as they refuse to come to shows with me - I actually can't remember either of them ever coming to watch
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(i'm 27 now - lol!). But they both love providing commentary when I force them to watch the videos from time to time. My dad has only ever ridden once, that I can remember, but does love to tell me that I see rubbish strides SJ ('isn't that your main problem, though?' he asks..
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If I were you, I'd be grateful for her interest and support,
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even though it's not quite what you would wish for. Can you just go into autopilot with her and let it wash over you? If you really don't want her to come, I think you'll have to come straight out with it, but maybe she is just a proud mum and doesn't understand the effect she is having, or how at least, how her comments come across.
 
Ah, the joys of being a child. And the joys of being a parent. When I watched daughter ride Big Cob at a dressage event, Friend had to remind me to breath
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I think that you are going to have to learn to develop a thin, transparent and protective skin hun. From a parent's point of view, the sport you love is one fraught with danger and very few parents would be able to stay away. Learn to smile sweetly, say thank you kindly, and ignore as applicable.

Don't forget, your Ma is used to being in control and taking control - I bet she doesn't do back seat too well.

The only other way would be to get someone to invite her out for the day
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I'm 36 and a novice horse owner, although I have ridden since my teens. My other can't ride but can't resist telling me how to all the same and I don't even compete. I want to strangle her with my reins. I realise this makes me an awful, awful daughter. Can you imagine what I will be like with my own when she is competing?
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Alas, Mollya, it was ever thus with mothers and daughters, its the price you pay for unconditional love!
 
From the mother's point of view (as one myself) I guess she is supporting you in your horsey endeavours so you have to be very tactful.

I would try and say, before hand, that whilst you really appreciate her support (and you realise you wouldn't be doing it without her) that while you are actually taking part in the competition you will only listen to advise from your instructor (make up one if you don't have one).

So ask her to stay in the background and say that you will be happy to listen to her advice after its all over but to keep you in the best positive frame of mind then could she please just keep it all in till the aftermath. Try to be tactful and keep her happy and then you will be happy and all will be well.
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Mrs M - you put it much better than I did but I think we were on the same lines
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Ah, the joys of being a child. And the joys of being a parent. When I watched daughter ride Big Cob at a dressage event, Friend had to remind me to breath
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Do you know my mother!? She gasps when she's watching my xc vids, as though some disaster is about to happen... but I'm sitting right next to her on the sofa
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She knows what happens in the end!
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lol Mrs Mozart! My seven year old was a fun show last week riding my big dope on a rope and my mother said I was muttering advice under my breath the whole time even though number one child hadn;t a hope of hearing a word I said! I'm going to turn into a pushy PC mother aren't I?
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You are all right (as usual
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) i need to develop a thicker skin, be grateful she is interested at all, maybe even try and take her advice
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and practice my sweet smile
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Thank you. *deep breath to calm hysteria*
 
[ QUOTE ]
You are all right (as usual
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) i need to develop a thicker skin, be grateful she is interested at all, maybe even try and take her advice
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and practice my sweet smile
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Thank you. *deep breath to calm hysteria*

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This reminds me of a girl I used to know. A talented young rider, who with support would have reached the stars. Had a seat to die for, a leg position that I envied like mad, and parents who really couldn't give a damn that she was in the ribbons every show. Never once watched her. It broke my heart. We used to go and wach her just to let her know she had people who were proud of her.

Unfortunately, just as I got to the point where I could financially help her, she gave up due to pressure of school and lack of support from home.

This isn't meant to make you feel 'bratish', etc., just a different angle.
 
Sorry Mollya, I think you are very lucky to have a mother who loves you and wants to support you - many children will never experience that wonderful, warm security blanket that, paradoxically, gives them the confidence to think they can go it alone. Appreciate your mother - you won't always have her.
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I am now in my late 40's and was thrilled to bits last year when my mum came to watch me show the mare she and my dad had helped me to buy. She and my Dad used to take me and sister to riding lessons every Sunday, watch if it wasn't too wet etc. When I was 15 they bought us our first horse. I hadn't shown in years until last year, when dutifully they turned up again on a Sunday afternoon, they also came to the fancy dress ride at Christmas. Why am I posting this drivel? My Mum died in March of this year and I will always be so pleased that she came to watch me in that show last summer
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As a final one, and sorry if I'm going on, it's obviously touched a nerve
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. My Mum used to take me around when I was younger and helped all she could, whilst being quietly bemused as to where this passion for horses had come from.

Since we've owned horses, the last three or so years, she didn't see a single one of them. We're within easy driving distance and she passed the end of the road numerous times. She died on Boxing Day. She'll never see me or my daughter ride our horses. Daughter will never have any of my parents to watch and to be there when she finishes a class, neither will I. It hurts.
 
Oh Mrs M
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I am so sorry for your loss and that your mum didn't see you and your daughters ride your own horses. My mum could never understand how she ended up with two horse mad daughters either. I think it hurts no matter which way things worked out
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Oh your Mrs M:( I am so sorry for your loss and that your mum didn't see you and your daughters ride your own horses. My mum could never understand how she ended up with two horse mad daughters either. I think it hurts no matter which way things worked out
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Yup YG. Having seen both options, I know which I'd prefer
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. Hey ho. Onwards and sidewards as they say
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I don't take my mum to sporting events because she gets quite stressed by it all, and therefore quite squealy! She is just the same about watching the tennis or the rugby - doesn't want anyone to lose or worse get hurt! However, I am now old enough that I can do it on my own.. Do you have a friend competing with you whose mum might take you under her wing for the day? That way, someone 'adult' is there in case you have an accident or whatever but you won't be under the same pressure.

As an aside, competing is competing. You have to learn to cope with pressure and nerves and to block out all the other people (mothers included!) and focus on what *you* plus *horse* are there to do. When you can do this, your mum won't bother you and you will be a much better eventer as a result!
 
Arrh bless her, i'm sure she is just aching for you to do well and trying to show her support. But I can understand how off putting and distracting it can be for you, my grandfather used to do the same whilst shoving a video camera in my face and I just learned to try to be professional and let it go over my head and get on with it
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maybe you could ask your dad to have a word with your mum, to tell her to back off a little. Or sit her down and tell her that allthough you love the fact that she's interested and would like her to be involved, you are finding it hard to concentrate and it's making you tense and stressed and that it goes straight through to your horse which is hindering your performance?
good luck though !
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I just so wish either of my parents, or even my children or OH were interested in my competeing. I end up doing it all on my own. I love it any way, would just be nice to have company at events to hold pony when I wanted a coffe or wee or to share when things went well or badly. Don't knock it.

Jane
 
Thanks to all who have replied. I will now try and think differently about my mum coming- I (selfishly)hadn't really thought about people whose parents are unable or unwilling to come. Even if she can't help etc, and does irritate me, I'm sure i would miss her if she wasn't there
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To all who have lost parents/grandparents, or whose hobby was not respected by parents, I'm sorry if I touched a nerve and made you upset.
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I wish my parents could come and see me compete, even if all they are capable of is holding horsey and getting me drinks! I live 200 miles from them and usually have to go to competitions on my own.

Why not get your mum up the yard and give her a crash course on what you need as a show groom/camera man this way you get parental support and groom all rolled up in one and she gets to feel useful.
 
I also can see this from 2 sides...... My parents are non-horsey and my mum would only ever watch me ride if I begged her - otherwise she sat in the car with a book and sighed if I was late! She became mightily relieved when I was old enough to take myself to the stables......

I am now the mother of 2 children and my 7 year old daughter rides...... I am a bit control-freaky about it so I watch every lesson, try to hear what her intructor tells her so I can reinforce what she needs to work on, and I'm hating watching her learn to jump!! In a way I wish I could be that parent who greets their child at the end of the lesson with 'did you have fun? Great, let's go hone for tea'...... In reality I'm the 'your reins are too long and your heels need to be more down'!!

Maybe somewhere in the middle is good!!!
 
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