What to do - persevere or move on?

To be honest I think a lot of people go through this at one time or another! She does sound lovely. Every horse has its quirks so you will find there will be mini disasters along the way. Ive only ever had one good traveller in 15 years of horses. Just take it nice and slow. Some horses prefer horse boxes or vice versa. She will get better with practice. I would bring her somewhere and just lunge her in the next place you bring her and do that a few times. A lot of people do this but rather even say it. Not hacking will not help dealing with show nerves tbh if you hate it ask someone to bring her for you. Would a more experienced sharer help?
 
oldie48 said:
At my lesson today I joked with my trainer about how much I loved my horse. We've had our ups and downs but two years in we have a pretty good partnership, are having fun and I trust him. My trainer said that most of his clients love their horses but many of them would be much happier with something more suitable. Why not ask your trainer for a really honest assessment of your partnership and take it from there?
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Absolutely this, on every level.

You need your trainers support here, someone who knows you well.

She sounds like a fab horse, and if the trainer suggests you sell, I imagine she will find a home very easily if shes capable of eventing
 
Thanks Pigeon - a dually or similar is worth a go I think, as is giving her X amount of trips to see some improvement. She isn't a bad traveller per se, I think being alone had a lot to do with it. Perhaps it was a step too quickly & more frequent and more relaxed outings are the way forward. But, I've been told I make too many excuses for her so...

The overwhelmingly ridiculous thing is, every time I've put on my brave pants and made her get on with it - whether leading, hacking or getting back on after some fairly impressive spooks (fear of splashing noises from the water, a specific thing that we could work on) out XC schooling, she hasn't actually done anything wrong so far. So this problem could just as easily transfer to another horse because it's me that's the idiot, not her.

Trying to find a balance between realistic and hasty. As you can probably see, I'm a bit all over the place at the moment - I bought her as a forever horse so while I know that something else could be a lot more fun a lot sooner, I don't want to give up.
 
Unfortunately my trainer hasn't been well lately but I'm thinking perhaps boxing down to her, with a travelling companion, for a lesson might be a good idea.
 
I haven't read all the posts so could well be wrong, but You did not mention if you did any prep work with her prior to travelling to the show in regards to loading and travelling. Based on your experiences with this horse and the way she has responded to changes in her life during your ownership, I feel it was extremely unfair of you to one day just load her up and go off to a show. I think you may have said you had confidence issues and therefore I can only imagine these feelings would have been exacerbated on the day of a show and then transfer onto the horse.
Perhaps if you had spent weeks before hand loading and unloading daily and going for short drives she would have been much more prepared for her outing.
If no prep work was done, the way she responded is not surprising.
 
Zipzop said:
I haven't read all the posts so could well be wrong, but You did not mention if you did any prep work with her prior to travelling to the show in regards to loading and travelling. Based on your experiences with this horse and the way she has responded to changes in her life during your ownership, I feel it was extremely unfair of you to one day just load her up and go off to a show. I think you may have said you had confidence issues and therefore I can only imagine these feelings would have been exacerbated on the day of a show and then transfer onto the horse.
Perhaps if you had spent weeks before hand loading and unloading daily and going for short drives she would have been much more prepared for her outing.
If no prep work was done, the way she responded is not surprising.
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Not trying to gang up but this is a good point. part of the bonding process is knowing her well enough so you know what will shake her confidence vs test her. she needs to be able to trust that you wont put her in an unsafe position.
 
No that's completely fair, and is something I kicked myself for after - for assuming that because she had travelled and behaved nicely previously she would be OK doing so on her own. I think because she was so good moving yards, which I expected to completely blow her mind, I assumed that she was more able to take anything in her stride. But, as you point out - perhaps quite unfair to expect that of her.

Happy to hear constructive criticism, I'm not perfect, she's my first horse & will take on board any suggestions.
 
Gosh, over the past 20 years we've had a lot of horses/ponies, some youngsters and some established, and although I'm not the most confident handler I can honestly say that I've never had a horse that I wouldn't happily load and travel both on it's own and in company. I've had a couple of sticky loaders which were cured quite quickly but as far as I'm concerned loading and travelling sensibly is an absolute "must". I must have been very lucky!
Cluelessblonde said:
To be honest I think a lot of people go through this at one time or another! She does sound lovely. Every horse has its quirks so you will find there will be mini disasters along the way. Ive only ever had one good traveller in 15 years of horses. Just take it nice and slow. Some horses prefer horse boxes or vice versa. She will get better with practice. I would bring her somewhere and just lunge her in the next place you bring her and do that a few times. A lot of people do this but rather even say it. Not hacking will not help dealing with show nerves tbh if you hate it ask someone to bring her for you. Would a more experienced sharer help?
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Are you close to anybody else on your yard? Sometimes a bit of support can go a long way and people who see you with her on a daily are likely to be best placed in offering opinions on wether or not she is suitable (since your instructor isn't well at the moment) I've had horses my entire life and I love nothing more than a bat **** crazy project especially moody mares lol but my tiny sec A gelding drove me nuts (and tbh he wasn't ever that bad, I've fixed far worse issues in bigger horses) it got to the stage that I tried to give him away, he was sent back in the same week and I even contemplated PTS because I didn't think he was ever going to be usefull to anybody but the lady I share my yard with along with her 10 yr old nervous daughter have given me an inspirational amount of support, the pony is now an absolute super star! I couldn't have done it without them, so if you could reach out to somebody you trust at your yard it may be all you need if you truely want to work with her
 
oldie48 said:
Gosh, over the past 20 years we've had a lot of horses/ponies, some youngsters and some established, and although I'm not the most confident handler I can honestly say that I've never had a horse that I wouldn't happily load and travel both on it's own and in company. I've had a couple of sticky loaders which were cured quite quickly but as far as I'm concerned loading and travelling sensibly is an absolute "must". I must have been very lucky!
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Nope, all the horses I've owned or ridden have been good travellers - some get a bit lit up but most take it in their stride. I had one that we always had to chase up the ramp with a broom :o but other than that, all happy campers :) not just you :)
 
starfish8 said:
No that's completely fair, and is something I kicked myself for after - for assuming that because she had travelled and behaved nicely previously she would be OK doing so on her own. I think because she was so good moving yards, which I expected to completely blow her mind, I assumed that she was more able to take anything in her stride. But, as you point out - perhaps quite unfair to expect that of her.

Happy to hear constructive criticism, I'm not perfect, she's my first horse & will take on board any suggestions.
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I can be a bit direct with my responses but well done OP! It's lovely to see you taking everyone's thoughts on board.
When I started taking my nervous boy out I loaded him on and off ten times a day for weeks and took little drives round the block.
Knowing and learning all about your horse and what support they need in situations is absolutely invaluable.
Mine gets extremely worried on new hacking routes so I have been known to walk them with him in hand the first couple of times to help alleviate any potential problems. The things we do! Lol
 
Cluelessblonde said:
To be honest I think a lot of people go through this at one time or another! She does sound lovely. Every horse has its quirks so you will find there will be mini disasters along the way. Ive only ever had one good traveller in 15 years of horses. Just take it nice and slow. Some horses prefer horse boxes or vice versa. She will get better with practice. I would bring her somewhere and just lunge her in the next place you bring her and do that a few times. A lot of people do this but rather even say it. Not hacking will not help dealing with show nerves tbh if you hate it ask someone to bring her for you. Would a more experienced sharer help?
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oldie48 said:
Gosh, over the past 20 years we've had a lot of horses/ponies, some youngsters and some established, and although I'm not the most confident handler I can honestly say that I've never had a horse that I wouldn't happily load and travel both on it's own and in company. I've had a couple of sticky loaders which were cured quite quickly but as far as I'm concerned loading and travelling sensibly is an absolute "must". I must have been very lucky!
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I have had very few that have not loaded and traveled well, 1 was a monster to load for ages but did get there in the end, of all my others and there have been hundreds through the yard, none of the "made" horses were ever bad travelers most love to go out and jump on, a few more challenging ones have had issues but they would never have been described as first horses, the first horse types should load, travel and arrive at the venue with no fuss it is part of the job description, first horse = sensible, been there done it, no hassle.
 
Over the years we have had a few that have been a**holes to load travel, mainly due to separation anxiety. I know I am lucky but my solution was to always travel with a pony. I have two you can tie up and leave with a hay net for hours. The rat bag goes in the trailer using screaming and pawing, buddy gets on and order is restored. The strange thing is they seem not to mind leaving the companion at the other end, they hunt, dressage, PC then calmly go up the ramp to go home.
One of these travel nightmares was bought from a friend, we realised he had probably never been travelled alone, but if he realised there was no one in the box he would try and wipe you out on the lorry gates.As we were cubbing at the time and loading at five in the morning the easy way out was loading the fat hairy pony first, he would then drag you up the ramp.
It may not be your solution, but if you have decided to take her out, and mares are notoriously clingy, and felt a bit uncertain she may have picked up on it and decided if she is worried there must be something to worry about.
Buying a horse is such a mine field and you have done so well,that a few short trips and a hack home, hire an arena and just play for half an hour and go home, could get you over this hiccup. Pat yourself on the back for the progress you have made. Most of horse care is learning to read them and plan a head, but they always catch you out.
 
If the horse was here I would be travelling somewhere to work every other day I would hire schools in different places once that was going ok I would go to every clinic I could particularly any were they teach in a group .Once the horse was completely convinced that loading up and going out to work was as normal as the sun coming up in the morning I would go to a show and then keep going until the horse settled .
 
We all try our best and make mistakes! Jeez I make them definitely daily!! Also the horse I mentioned is an absolute disaster under saddle so id take the loading issues anyday haha but grass is always greener :)
 
Do you know anyone experienced who could ride her a couple of times at local shows for you? You might find you have more confidence in your horse if you can see someone getting her to do her job without any dramatics - or at least working through the dramas!

Btw - mine hasn't travelled anywhere at all and tends to throw her toys out of the pram rather badly when out of her comfort zone. My plan for our first trip is 40 mins to my friends yard. Strange place, strange horses but a safe place to have a wobbly.
 
starfish8 said:
Unfortunately my trainer hasn't been well lately but I'm thinking perhaps boxing down to her, with a travelling companion, for a lesson might be a good idea.
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This is exactly what I'd do, I have spent months dealing with my nerves, which made my very laid back horse behave differently. I used to take him to my friends yard for a lesson, he'd revert to how he behaved when I first got him - which was to fidget when being mounted. I then took him to a competition with a friend to hold my hand, I did an in hand class with him and evidently I felt confident and he behaved better. It will take time and practice, to start with you could load her up and take her around the block, unload and ride (or lunge) and take it from there.
 
I think you should cut yourself some slack and take the pressure off a bit. It does sound like this mare is a bit more horse than you thought you were buying or intended to buy, but that doesn't mean you can't crack this if you commit to it. It might mean that you need to accept that you will need to spend many months working towards being able to take her out to comps on her/your own, and only you can decide whether you're up for that. But you've worked through the other stuff, so why shouldn't you be able to work through this with the right support?

My first horse wasn't really an ideal first horse (to a greater extent than yours by the sound of it) so I know exactly where you are at. I chose to accept that there were things I would have been able to do with a more straightforward animal that I was never able to do with him, but I was happy to accept that in exchange for everything he had to teach me, which was a lot, and the fact that I adored him. That wouldn't have been everyone's choice though.

I lost him two years ago and bought a just backed 3yo WB, who is a walk in the park by comparison, and enjoys all manner of things my old horse would have found absolutely terrifying.

You have already had lots of good advice here, but my two penn'orth:

- the hacking thing is really important. There is no shame in paying someone else such as a trainer to do it if you don't want to initially, especially if that will build your confidence in her. Could you go along on a borrowed horse to see her behaving herself, and then have them accompany you on horseback to provide support the first few times you hack her out?

- when I was introducing my youngster to going out and about, I was very conscious that I have just about enough common sense to break things down into baby steps and try and avoid problems, but I may not have all the skills to decisively fix problems if I screwed things up and allowed them to happen. So we did each of the following until he was really quite bored and nonchalant about them before moving on to the next thing: loading practice, short 10 minute trips both alone and with another horse, trips out for school hire, both alone and with another horse. Trips out hacking to meet a friend, going both alone and with another horse. When we went to our first show I made sure we had been to the venue for school hire the week before, and went to the show fully prepared to just toddle around and have a walk and trot in the warm up if he felt tense. As it happened he did a cracking little test, but I would still have counted it a success if I had decided to withdraw from the actual test bit. I kept everything really short and sweet and although he had to pay attention and focus on me, I didn't put too much pressure on from the point of view of quality of work etc. Now loads of people would say "ffs, just get on with it!", but I didn't want to risk creating a problem I wasn't fully equipped to solve. Had it not gone so smoothly I was fully prepared to pay my trainer to take him out to a few shows to give him a good experience with a much more confident and experienced competition rider.

Equally if you decide she's not the horse for you that's totally your prerogative. But it just sounds like you need to enlist a bit more support, break it down into smaller chunks and take the pressure off yourself to be out competing in the next x weeks/months.

Very best of luck!
 
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If it was me I'd stick with it, but only you can decide! It was a long time before I got over similar issues with my first pony..bolshy,wouldn't load etc but like you it was more a confidence issue with me than any real issue with her!

If it was her first time in a while travelling on her own, especially on her own I can understand she's be a bit shaky about it. Mine went to her first show on sunday and sweated up badly on the way there so we abandoned first test, had a wander on the lead around the venue and then rode the second test.
I'd maybe just do a bit of practise loading and driving short distances until she gets used to it?
 
Why aren't you capable of it? I assume you have done the sort of stuff that you want to do before with other horses like dressage jumping beach rides hacking etc just not with her.

If that assumption is correct and I think it is then you are capable of it. There is nothing wrong with your capability what you are lacking is confidence but that can be fixed too.

A lot of it is self belief and a stubbornness to not give up. Most people here know how stubborn i am as i have refused to give up on my horse even though we went through most of the summer in a bad way. He was napping spinning rearing bucking anything to get out of doing work because he had me fully worked out. He knew by scaring me i would get off and he didn't have to work.

So I have forced myself to change my attitude and basically gone to him "you will do as you are told you over grown donkey, I am more than capable of riding you and nothing you do will scare me again". And you know the last few weeks we have made brilliant progress. In my last lesson a lot of people from the yard were watching and going "wow she can ride". Now I get yelled at by a friend if he sees me not working hard enough haha.

If it helps write down a list of everything she does that frightens you. And then write down a list of every time you have handled such an incident on another horse well and not been scared. Then list the things you like about her. Read over the two positive lists regularly and believe that you are capable of it again. You are you just don't believe you are. You know how to handle a spooking horse. You know how to handle a bargy horse. So do it. :)
 
Thanks again all for your comments - it's nice that there are people with both views, now I don't feel quite so ridiculous at being completely confused by the whole situation.

I have made a couple of minor decisions over night, namely that I don't want last weekend to be the defining moment in our relationship, and that I'm not quite ready to give up with her just yet - looking back, the first time she stood politely to be mounted seemed like a huge achievement to us, the other week she behaved like a fool coming in from the field and at no point did I think 'oh crap I better let go'. There has been progress, and I think I would be doing us both a disservice if I didn't try and make a little more. Between myself and my lovely YO, trainer and friends I think we'll know if we've genuinely hit a wall and can go no further.

That said, I have also accepted that she may not be the horse for me in the longer term - she's definitely not the easy, straightforward no stress first horse I thought I was getting. Yes, I'm probably overhorsed at the moment. The possibility remains that I may sell her and go on the hunt for something easier, older, more established. A friend has suggested trying a few out - horses that are in no rush to sell (I don't want to waste anyone's time), that the whole history is known etc - to see if I get that 'safe as houses' feeling that I don't currently have.
 
It sounds like you aren't ready to give up just yet. I don't think they fully mature until 8 anyway so she was still very much a baby when you got her and hopefully now you will see the benefits of the last year together. My mare's attitude changed dramatically once she hit 8 and she is the ultimate diva! I also think it takes much longer to bond with a mare but once it clicks into place there is nothing like it. She will also totally be feeding off your nerves and even if you don't realise it you will have been nervous about going to a show and travelling. Good luck I hope you can see it through but at the same time there is no shame in admitting defeat as, after all, it is meant to be fun!
 
Good luck with what ever you decide to do long term. That first horse is always difficult to find and tbh, I don't think it necessarily gets any easier with a second or third especially if you end up getting something more competitive each time (which is what I've done). Two years on I'm in a completely different place with my horse than I was after a year, I think many people underestimate the time it takes for the average leisure rider to get to grips with a new horse (especially if it's got a bit about it) Best wishes.
 
Let me tell you about my horse who I've had since a 2 year old.

He's now 7, and if I had advertised him 6 months ago his ad would have read something like this:

16hh WB X Gelding, lovely RC all rounder with ability to do more with a braver rider. Competed SJing 90 (jumped a full 110 course at home when said not brave rider had a completely mad moment), eventing 80cm (schooled over 100 fences), dressage to novice.

Fantastic to hack alone or in company, good to shoe, load, catch, clip and lovely to have around.

Ridden by complete novices and very kind and genuine, verging on slightly lazy.

Well, I moved yards (with his 4 friends) and if I had been sold said horse I'd have sent him back if I could thinking the advert was a pack of lies! He turned into a monster for the first month, huge fight to get him to hack off the yard, like he had a rocket up his backside to ride, bucked, planted, wouldn't stand tied, screamed the first time I took him out in the lorry after the move and was all around vile!

Now I was lucky in that I knew how nice my horse was, so basically just firmly corrected the really awful behaviour and ignored the rest and he settled down and turned back into my sweet and slightly lazy horse I had had for the last 5 years. Now for you, you don't have the previous history, but I guess that the lovely horse you tried and bought is still there and is worried by you being worried of her and as you said it's a vicious circle.

As a few people have said if you can't make it fake it - but you have got to be convincing. Pretend it's someone else's horse you are dealing with for a month if you have to, decide what is acceptable behaviour leading/manners etc and correct. Try and handle and ride her without the emotional pressure of her being YOUR horse and deal with her as A horse.

I wish you all the best, she sounds like she could be lovely, but if she's not the right horse for you at the end of the day I am sure she will be for someone else and that would be you, her and her new rider all happy.
 
A brief update for anyone who is interested - today we attempted a dressage competition again having taken on board all your advice and constructive criticism. Thanks again.

We went with another, incredibly sensible laid back horse, and despite getting lost, utter chaos at the venue and not a lot of warm up time managed a respectable 58 & 6th place in the intro test.

Lots for her to cope with - debris/building materials everywhere, indoor schools with mirrors, about a million trailers and lorries, not at all what we thought it would be like and something of a baptism of fire. Yes she was a little tense, but we managed and I'm delighted with how sensible and calm she stayed.
 
Well done you have defeated the stress of getting her out got to the venue did the test and loaded and got her home all without trouble she is only being a diva if she is on her own so for the time being go with someone else, but once you arrive, move away fro her companion and work her in away from it. make sure you to touch base from time to time to make sure she knows you are still supporting her need for her friend, you can then go further and further away for longer and longer and as long as you keep returning to the same place she will know she is not completely alone. At home you are getting somewhere again she needs to trust that you or her friends are still on her side. I do all this with foals and youngsters and all are quite happy to be on their own in fact the only one that might kick off is the old girl who is pretty much retired now, and seems to think she should be the only one to go anywhere and hates being left behind. If she behaves well enough for you to trust in company then it wont take long for you to trust each other while on your own. Proves the point a bit that she was fine while on her own doing her test
 
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starfish8 said:
A brief update for anyone who is interested - today we attempted a dressage competition again having taken on board all your advice and constructive criticism. Thanks again.

We went with another, incredibly sensible laid back horse, and despite getting lost, utter chaos at the venue and not a lot of warm up time managed a respectable 58 & 6th place in the intro test.

Lots for her to cope with - debris/building materials everywhere, indoor schools with mirrors, about a million trailers and lorries, not at all what we thought it would be like and something of a baptism of fire. Yes she was a little tense, but we managed and I'm delighted with how sensible and calm she stayed.
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Well done to both of you! Lots to build on there, I am sure you will continue to progress.
 
Wow what a lovely story. You've come such a long way with her. She's very lucky to have you. I honestly think you should persevere - I think you have a very promising future ahead of yourselves. These horses are rarely straightforward - we are all on a journey of some kind. Surely you look back and feel proud of how far you have come together. At the dressage I probably would have unloaded her and let her see the show ground. I would lead her round for a while and once safe to do so, mount up and walk around or try to ride her quietly round the warm up ring. Then once you're happy with things, load up and go home. It doesnt matter in the slightest that you didn't get up the centre line. You'll get there in time and you're doing brilliant with her !
 
OP I haven't read all replies so apologies if I'm repeating others.

I was in a similar position to you this time last year. I'd owned my boy 3 and a bit years but had reached a point where I was beginning to get frustrated with his lack of consistency and that 90% of the time I was in the saddle I'd find myself battling with him.

For me it wasn't a lack of confidence as over the years that horse had thrown every toy he had out of the pram at me and I knew I was capable of riding him through anything. I loved the very bones of him but I just wasn't enjoying him anymore. Riding became a chore to me. I was fed up of having to battle him every time he decided to nap...particularly when the day before he'd have just strode on past and knew deep down that whilst my passion is dressage, he'd be much better suited to a more varied life....some of my best ever rides have been sponsored rides with him!

Long story short, he went to a fab new home last Easter and I now have my baby mare (who unfortunately has a damaged tendon, so is a lady of leisure at the moment) and my wonderful new boy who's a complete dressage schoolmaster that teaches me so much each time I ride. I'm enjoying riding so much more these days and my riding has improved ten-fold. Whilst I miss my old boy, I wouldn't change the horses I have now for the world.
 
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