What would you do if someone you new had lied A LOT (horse related)

R2R

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Though I was very unsure as to whether this should be in NL

The drama of my life I tell you!

In short, I have been friends with someone since I was 7 and we went to primary school together. We lost touch when I changed schools but stayed in touch via xmas/birthday cards etc. When facebook was invented we got back in touch again, caught up, and have been close friends for a year. In the past year she has been a massive part of my life and is now dating one of OH’s friends etc.

She has told me
1) She competed her now retired pony to JA level
2) She broke in my ex-YO’s top youngster
3) She has competed to novice eventing and schooled to intermediate
4) She has competed to medium affiliated dressage
5) She had a very successful yard in Hampshire which she ran a business in, and sold in mid-2008 for £50k
6) As part of this yard she had a successful dealing business
7) She has her AI

As well as a host of other stuff, but these are all horse related.

Even though I do not actively compete very often, the majority of my friends do, and no one knew her from the circuit. One of my friends had particular issue with this as sees right through people, and called the BSJA to check her horse/personal record. Neither friend or horse were registered. Further digging has shown she has never been registered BD or BE either, and that she didn’t ever have a livery yard or dealing business. I really want to confirm this for definite, and find out more about her life in Hampshire, as if I am going to confront her I want firm conclusive evidence. I am now seriously doubting whether she has her AI, or, in fact, anything she says is the truth.

So, my question is, how to handle it? I recently asked (subtlety) her about her BSJA record and she completely flew off the handle. She has infiltrated (is that the right word) my social circle, even going on one of my best friends hen do’s in the Summer. I am so upset by all of her lies and manipulation I called the maid of honour last night and said I couldn’t go – so I am missing one of great friends hen’s because of this girls lies and oddness. Am also stuck with the issue that she is dating one of my OH’s friends, so there really is no escape :(
 

Angua2

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You are sadly older and wiser because of it. Personally I would let her get on with digging her own grave, take everything she says with a pinch of salt don't get involved with her stories and just enjoy her company if you still want. You know where you stand with her now, as does your other friend. I wouldn't miss out on your friends hen do though. just smile, smile and let the **** hit the fan from her own idiocy.

does it sound like I have been there.... oh yes! what is the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer!
 

Parkranger

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Some people lie and cheat and can't help themselves. If you don't want her in your life cull her! What's the point in spending your time digging around to find out about her lies? Believe me, if just makes you feel bitter and doesn't achieve anything.

Life isn't all about massive show downs, if you don't particularly believe everything someone is saying, or think she's telling porkies, just stop seeing her?
 

JVB

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Not easy but I would try to laugh it off and feel quite sorry for someone who has to make up such things to try and win people over, it shows real lack of confidence and is a shame... as long as she isn't causing any harm I would try not to be too affected by it, as and when she talks about these stories maybe just roll your eyes and and say 'Oh really?' then move on to another conversation and don't pay it another minute's thought.

If she is causing harm by these things then maybe consider saying something, but it also won't look good on you if you have gone digging behind her back as if she is lacking in self esteem, this will hit her hard and you don't know how she will react, or what stories she may start saying about you to your social circle, depends on how close she is with them now...
 

Spudlet

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How sad that someone feels the need to lie about their life in this way:(

As long as she isn't trying to profit by these lies - such as trying to get business through your yard etc - I would ignore them, as you say you can't get rid of her, so just rise above it and take whatever she says with a pinch of salt. I wouldn't bother confronting her tbh - just let her drift off again on her own sweet way as happened before. After all, how does it affect you if she's a lier? Unless of course she is trying to profit from it in which case you need to rethink things, but that's a whole other matter IMO.

People like that need pitying but that doesn't mean she has to be your bestest mate. And I wouldn't miss the hen do either - it's not like it will just be you and her after all, you will presumably be in a big group so go out and enjoy it! :)
 

Faro

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Sorry, this might not be what you want to hear. But are 1 - 7 really that important? They're not lies which are going to change your own life in any way. If you like her as a person, continue to like her - but just take what she says with a pinch of salt, I reckon her lies probably come from either a real sense of insecurity or jealousy. Don't take it to heart (which is what it sounds like you have done). If you've seen through her lies as easily as this, I am sure your other friends will do so to - and it will be her that loses out - not you.

One thing that is important though - I think you should phone back the maid of honour and say that you will, after all, be able to go to the hen night. No way should you be the one to miss out on a great night, just because of someone else.

Just carry on being casually nice to her - but don't go out of your way to be with her or do anything for her - and as I said before, just take what she says with a pinch of salt.
 

Sarah Sum1

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Why are you choosing not to go to your great friends hen night? I would tell her you know she has lied, tell her to move along nicely and get you rfriends and life back. Go to the hen do :) I certainly would not pussyfoot around her.
 

Dubsie

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See it all as a positive: be flattered she feels the need to exaggerate her horsemanship skills/life to keep up with you. Feel sorry for her that she feels the need to do this, but don't let the knowledge upset your life, it'll all come back and bite her on the bum when the truth comes out and don't let it be you that spills it, it'll come out eventually without ruining your reputation amongst your friends (as it might). Agree with Sarahsum, you should go to the hen night and enjoy yourself regardless..
 

R2R

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Why are you choosing not to go to your great friends hen night? I would tell her you know she has lied, tell her to move along nicely and get you rfriends and life back. Go to the hen do :) I certainly would not pussyfoot around her.

Becasue it is a week away, and I am not sure I can go a whole week biting my tounge or tolerating it, and I dont want my friends hen do to be marred by any bad vibe or me having one too many and trying to throw this girl in the swimming pool.
 

Luci07

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Been there, tried to confront and bring it out into the open but finally came to the conclusion that the lies covered up a much bigger issue which I was not in a position to deal with neither did I have the skills.. but boy oh boy did it cause massive problems in my own social circle till her lies became public knowledge.

So, plan of action. Firstly you need to go on the hen night. This is your friends do and her feelings are more important! 2. Take this girl to one side, quietly tell her you know she is prone to exaggerations. Tell her people are questioning you about her so suggest she tones it down a bit. You need to take this slightly roundabout route because in a scenario like this, it is always a good idea to give people a way out to save face. If you confront her directly, she can only fly at you. 3. Realise this is not your problem, you cannot solve it and her lies will out her anyway so just ... put the stick down .. and back away! honestly I confronted this head on and it just reflected very badly on me until the truth came out..
 

spaniel

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Dump her, shes no good to you as a freind if this is the effect she is having on you. I wouldnt waste my breath personally.
 

NeedNewHorse

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I would go on your friends hen do and ignore the lies your other friend is saying. It's a shame she has to lie, but that's how you have to see it. A shame. Cannot be much fun, having to lie about what you have or haven't done, so I would feel pity if anything to this friend, as like someone else said, she is no doubt very insecure.

Don't take it too seriously, she is probably only doing it to try and compete with you in terms of achievemens, not to manipulate you.

If she is fun to be with, ignore the lies and get on with life. If you don't enjoy her company phase her out slowly.

x
 

Darkly_Dreaming_Dex

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Been there, tried to confront and bring it out into the open but finally came to the conclusion that the lies covered up a much bigger issue which I was not in a position to deal with neither did I have the skills.. but boy oh boy did it cause massive problems in my own social circle till her lies became public knowledge.

So, plan of action. Firstly you need to go on the hen night. This is your friends do and her feelings are more important! 2. Take this girl to one side, quietly tell her you know she is prone to exaggerations. Tell her people are questioning you about her so suggest she tones it down a bit. You need to take this slightly roundabout route because in a scenario like this, it is always a good idea to give people a way out to save face. If you confront her directly, she can only fly at you. 3. Realise this is not your problem, you cannot solve it and her lies will out her anyway so just ... put the stick down .. and back away! honestly I confronted this head on and it just reflected very badly on me until the truth came out..

^^ matches my experience and its taken several years for the others to see through her endless lies :(
 

applecart14

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I am in exactly the same situation with someone I know. However they are not a close friend of mine, otherwise I would feel like you do in that you feel bitterly dissapointed and sad about being lied to. I feel very frustrated and extremely angry at the constant lies that come out of their mouth and find it almost impossible not to react and bite back, although some people think that it is 'sad' that someone needs to make up stuff to feel self important and therefore an element of sympathy towards this person comes into play. It irritates me to think that this person actually thinks that you believe them, they must think you are stupid or something. I guess what is worse is that they actually drag those that do believe they are genuine down with them. I have actually been involved in a full scale row with this person about their lies, which I found later to be extremely embarrasing. I was thoroughly ashamed of myself for reacting in the way I did but they pushed me too far. Now they have made up a web site with false claims on it, completely inflating their true abilities and self worth. The consequences of this could be disasterous should someone wish to use the services offered on this website for either training or buying/selling. I feel very sad that someone could lose out should they believe in these claims, but I feel helpless to do anything. Everyone on the yard laughs behind this persons back at their antics but it really makes me angry and sad at the same time, I guess because I am the total opposite of them and do not lie or inflate my self worth.
 
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Fransurrey

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I can only confirm what others have said. Some people are just better liars than others are truth tellers. I have bitter experience of this, too. As Darkly Dreaming says, it can take others years to see through the lies, but it's you who would live through the fall-out of confrontation.

Be the bigger person. Go to the hen night and just avoid the girl as much as you can, or take her to one side as suggested. For God's sake, don't confront her in a drunken rage. Don't drink if you're so worried, but go!
 

Lila

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I also have a friend (ex-friend now) like this. She told so many lie's while she was on our farm even making up sick lies about when my horse died (she wasn't even there) and trying to split a couple up who had been together for 30years!! She really was living in her own world and after finding out what she had said about my girl i couldn't speak to her without my blood boiling and really wanting to say something to her!!! Glad to say she has now moved and hasn't been in-touch.
 

Quadro

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I know someone like this, he has recently won 1m45 at devon county on a 25 year old ex racehorse and nick skelton has asked him to school and jump russel and arko for him ;););) but i just ignore him and dont let it bother me! Other people will slowly realise!
 

R2R

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I know someone like this, he has recently won 1m45 at devon county on a 25 year old ex racehorse and nick skelton has asked him to school and jump russel and arko for him ;););) but i just ignore him and dont let it bother me! Other people will slowly realise!

OK maybe she is not THAT bad!!!
 

Sparklet

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I find it quite incredible that you have gone to so much trouble to check out her story!!......and I think refusing to go to someones hen do is very petty. A friend wants you to share her wedding celebration and you are refusing to go because you dont trust yourself no to ruin it.......I think you need to stop being so selfish and petty, go to your friends hen do and make sure you keep your mouth shut for her sake. As for the friend who lied.....remove her from facebook, keep your distance and get a life bascially.

Sorry but life is far to short.
 

R2R

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I find it quite incredible that you have gone to so much trouble to check out her story!!......and I think refusing to go to someones hen do is very petty. A friend wants you to share her wedding celebration and you are refusing to go because you dont trust yourself no to ruin it.......I think you need to stop being so selfish and petty, go to your friends hen do and make sure you keep your mouth shut for her sake. As for the friend who lied.....remove her from facebook, keep your distance and get a life bascially.

Sorry but life is far to short.

I was told (by friends of mine, and the guy who schooled my horse) that her comp. record was all lies...me being me then dug deeper about the yard....
 

Sparklet

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I was told (by friends of mine, and the guy who schooled my horse) that her comp. record was all lies...me being me then dug deeper about the yard....

Why is any of it relevant....if you dont want to associate with her dont....but I stand by what I said about your other friends hen do, is it really necessary to spoil it by saying you wont go because this girl is going to be there.

Personally think doing that is worse than what your ex-mate has done because it has a bigger impact.
 

fatpiggy

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You'd be amazed how many people go through life on a raft of exaggerations and confabulations. Some are incredibly skilled at it and are totally believeable, others gradually give themselves away by telling different versions of the same story to different people who then get together and play spot the mistake! I suspect some people eventually convince themselves that the stories are true, and lose touch with reality altogether. At the end of the day, she must have very low self-esteem or an entirely boring life if she feels the need to behave like this. The things you list are hardly going to cause the next world war and I really wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Just gently distance yourself and say, wow really? when she spouts more tall stories.
 

aro

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Knew someone like this, my mother in law to be, and it is so frustrating. Thankfully we never got married so I don't see her now and no longer have to listen to her drivel. Just think that they are pretty sad people to feel the need to do this. In my experience they will trip themselves up eventually. The more lies they tell and get away with, the bigger they become until people really see them for what they are. Her lies got to the point where she had ridden olympic horses. This was from a woman who fell off nearly every other day and felt the need to scream if going faster than trot!
 

LaurenM

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A girl in my work was like that. It got to the stage that her sister had a baby without knowing she was even pregnant (which after all the lies we'd had enough but it turned out to be true)!

Leave her to dig herself further. She is either trying to impress you and others or has a disorder.

Give her the opportunity to confess and leave it at that (unless she is a good friend and you think it's worth it).
 

Latiano

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If you found out about her lies then other people will too. I would distance myself from this person if I were you, but don't let her stop you from attending your friend's Hen 'do' you friend who is getting married hasn't done anything wrong so don't take it out on her.
 

Quadro

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R2R- they were the more believeable ones!!!, his father was the master of the local hunt (who i actually knew!), but could'nt walk and was in a wheelchair. He had a 16 horse (!) oakley supreme which he drove everywhere (he had no licence?) and went off to jump at HOYS in June!
 

PucciNPoni

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We had a woman on our yard (who is gone now, TG) who was absolutely pathological with her lies. It was very disruptive to our yard and it was from small silly stuff like "Your horse is hooning about and I would have brought him in..." (go up two seconds later said horse is grazing or even better...sleeping!) to telling folk that she was a GP, no, a registrar, no - a consultant - yeeeahhhh, that's the ticket! And that she was going to fastrack to be a vet because she already had a medical degree - in fact the closest she ever got to being a physician was working as a care assistant in a nursing home. She would fabricate stories about arguments that never happened, about galloping and juming her pony (that she was terrified of and would require being led from the ground). Most of the lies you just knew that she made up to make herself feel better - and it was only when it was starting to affect others or had the potential to that it got dangerous (ie telling a local RDA that she was a GP) and needed to be addressed. But who to do it?! Half the time I think she really WANTED to be caught in her lies so she could be confronted.

Anyway, my advice, cut your ties because if she's as bad as you say, then you don't need to be dragged down with her. I'm not sure whether or not you should tell her why you're dumping her though. Or even that you are...but I agree totally with everyone else about the hen-do ---GO if you want to go. Don't let her ruin it for you. I think part of a liar's gig is that they are trying to get all the attention for themselves - so by dividing and conquering she's accomplishing that a bit.
 

Pedantic

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Blimey, maybe you should feel sorry for the sad cow she is, do what the others say, let her dig her own hole to fall into, if you tell others it will look like you are stirring it for her and jealous.
 

Mithras

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As above, if she is not causing any actual harm, I would hope I would treat her sympathetically and let her work her own way out of this. It might just be a phase she is going through. Has she had any recent trauma in her life to explain her behaviour? I know its more difficult when you are confronted with blatant lies but I would hope I would tend to ignore the more obvious ones while showing her the notion that she was maybe not being believed, while perhaps keeping a slight distance from her and being a bit wary.
 

reddie

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Just echoing what everyone else has said, I would still go on the hen week, after all your friend should mean more to you than her; I would just let her continue digging that hole, sounds as though plenty of people already know what she's like.
 
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