When does it get easier ?- Loosing a horse

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bearTessy

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I had Tessy put to sleep on Friday due to a tumour on her lymphatic system.

Since Friday and I know its early days I've gone from telling myself it never happened, getting home from work and crying for hours realising she wasn't there...

I went to visit her grave on the farm and since have been worrying what if she feels lonely & cold etc, sounds stupid I know as clearly she cannot feel anything anymore. But I still feel guilty knowing she's out there ....

I keep forgetting it's happened , woke up panicking that I was late to do her breakfast and then it hits you like a tonne of bricks again.

I need to go into my tack room, I need to clean my tack its filthy and will start going mouldy, I need to fold her rugs away. But I can't , I can't bare the though of going in there and doing it.

I feel incredibly guilty, my friend held her when she was PTS , she was asleep before she hit the ground, but I'm winding myself up thinking what if she was wondering why I wasn't there.

I know how stupid this all sounds, as horses don't think like that, yet I cannot get these stupid thoughts out of my head.

Half of me still hasn't accepted it's happened yet.

Half of me is still waiting for her to appear in the field one day.

When does it get better, because I don't want to face a future without her currently.
 
You never stop missing them but the burning pain eases after a bit

Other horses helped me focus, if I hadn't already had a collection then I'd have had another straightaway
 
Nothing you are thinking is stupid, you are grieving and your thoughts are naturally all over the place. It's easy to say but you need to give yourself time. If possible, I would ask a friend/relative to help you tidy up her things (or even do it for you). Don't force yourself to do anything other than getting her things home/storage.

In my experience, grief makes you feel guilty about all sorts of things. You did the right thing for both of you by getting your friend to be there as she passed away because you gave her a peaceful end.

I'm sure more experienced people than myself will offer better advice but I didn't like to read and run. Take care of yourself.
 
bearTessy said:
I had Tessy put to sleep on Friday due to a tumour on her lymphatic system.

Since Friday and I know its early days I've gone from telling myself it never happened, getting home from work and crying for hours realising she wasn't there...

I went to visit her grave on the farm and since have been worrying what if she feels lonely & cold etc, sounds stupid I know as clearly she cannot feel anything anymore. But I still feel guilty knowing she's out there ....

I keep forgetting it's happened , woke up panicking that I was late to do her breakfast and then it hits you like a tonne of bricks again.

I need to go into my tack room, I need to clean my tack its filthy and will start going mouldy, I need to fold her rugs away. But I can't , I can't bare the though of going in there and doing it.

I feel incredibly guilty, my friend held her when she was PTS , she was asleep before she hit the ground, but I'm winding myself up thinking what if she was wondering why I wasn't there.

I know how stupid this all sounds, as horses don't think like that, yet I cannot get these stupid thoughts out of my head.

Half of me still hasn't accepted it's happened yet.

Half of me is still waiting for her to appear in the field one day.

When does it get better, because I don't want to face a future without her currently.
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I lost one of mine almost a year ago. It takes a while. I find it helps a lot to talk about it and to make sure to cry if you need to. Fwiw it can be better if the owner doesn't stay with them they can sense the emotion. It will get better.

I made a shadow box with a photo and some tail hair. I put a box of her things together, like her rosettes and passport. I also got a nice sketch of her framed. I planted some nice flowers on her grave aswell. I found things like that helped x
 
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Frumpoon said:
You never stop missing them but the burning pain eases after a bit

Other horses helped me focus, if I hadn't already had a collection then I'd have had another straightaway
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I don't think I'm quite ready for another one just yet, it's been a big routine change which isn't helping. The thought of going out and starting the process of finding something else makes me feel sick !

I went and helped a friend who was eventing today and that was a nice distraction,
 
Griffin said:
Nothing you are thinking is stupid, you are grieving and your thoughts are naturally all over the place. It's easy to say but you need to give yourself time. If possible, I would ask a friend/relative to help you tidy up her things (or even do it for you). Don't force yourself to do anything other than getting her things home/storage.

In my experience, grief makes you feel guilty about all sorts of things. You did the right thing for both of you by getting your friend to be there as she passed away because you gave her a peaceful end.

I'm sure more experienced people than myself will offer better advice but I didn't like to read and run. Take care of yourself.
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Thank you I know how crazy some of it sounds but I think once you've experienced the feeling it's not crazy at all .

She's been a big part of my life I feel bad for not being there whilst she was PTS but I wouldn't have been able to keep calm , now I feel I should sort though her stuff so she knows I care ...

I'm lucky that she's kept at home so don't need to worry about moving stuff out just yet , just got very mucky tack from hunting and would like to clean it up as it seems fitting to her stuff clean and cared for

Thank you
 
mule said:
I lost one of mine almost a year ago. It takes a while. I find it helps a lot to talk about it and to make sure to cry if you need to. Fwiw it can be better if the owner doesn't stay with them they can sense the emotion. It will get better.

I made a shadow box with a photo and some tail hair. I put a box of her things together, like her rosettes and passport. I also got a nice sketch of her framed. I planted some nice flowers on her grave aswell. I found things like that helped x
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Shadow box is a brilliant idea ! I've got some of her tail air , some has gone away to be made into a glass horse shoe , a lady does them on Facebook and it's lovely .

But it's also nice to have a bit of tail hair that's not going to be all chopped up . We are going to buy an apple tree and plant it , as apples were a firm favourite of hers .
 
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You just grieve and everyone does it differently.
One day you may want another horse, or you may not, which ever you do is right.
I have lost horses too and I know your pain but remember you did the most loving thing you can do for you horse.
Especially remember the great times you had together.
Sending big hugs.
 
bearTessy said:
Shadow box is a brilliant idea ! I've got some of her tail air , some has gone away to be made into a glass horse shoe , a lady does them on Facebook and it's lovely .

But it's also nice to have a bit of tail hair that's not going to be all chopped up . We are going to buy an apple tree and plant it , as apples were a firm favourite of hers .
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The glass shoe and the apple tree sound lovely:smile4:
 
Meredith said:
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You just grieve and everyone does it differently.
One day you may want another horse, or you may not, which ever you do is right.
I have lost horses too and I know your pain but remember you did the most loving thing you can do for you horse.
Especially remember the great times you had together.
Sending big hugs.
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Thank you , I think my worry is I have had a few people say ' oh you're not as upset as I thought you would be' . Which makes me feel terrible as it looks like I don't care ! I'm just rather numb at the moment it's still not set in what's happened hence why I'm not spending most of my day crying .

I spend most of my day forgetting what's happened , then having an abrupt reminder and that's when it makes me emotional.
 
I remember when you got Tessy and am so sorry to hear this latest news :(
It does get easier as time goes on and I am glad that you are keeping in touch with the equine world.
Tessy had a good life with you and landed on her hooves, which I am sure she knew. You and your family always behaved responsibly with her and this carried on to the end. She is not alone, or cold, or in pain, or ill any longer. The price we pay for the joys these animals bring to our lives, is the gap they leave when they go. I am sure, in time, you will be able to use all that you learned with Tessy to give another horse a good home and a lovely life.
 
bearTessy said:
Thank you , I think my worry is I have had a few people say ' oh you're not as upset as I thought you would be' . Which makes me feel terrible as it looks like I don't care ! I'm just rather numb at the moment it's still not set in what's happened hence why I'm not spending most of my day crying .

I spend most of my day forgetting what's happened , then having an abrupt reminder and that's when it makes me emotional.
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Don’t take any notice of those people because they have proved they do not understand by their comments. Anyone who understands and really cares will be ready to help in any way if you need them.
It does get easier I promise but you never forget. Even now I can cry about my first pony who has been gone over 25 years because something innocuous makes me remember.
 
When my horse died, I had owned her 20 years and got her as a wild foal, she was my world and it felt like my world ended when she went, nothing has ever hit me harder than that did I was truly heart broken.
Everyone gives you advice and kinds words but only time will help to heal your pain.
It’s been 7 years and I still can’t even talk about her I miss her so badly but it does get easier to live with x
 
The memories will always be there. Time will slowly turn everything into a smile. Take your time, you should be so very proud of how you loved and cared for Tessy, and that love and care will never go away.
I'm, still, some 18 months after losing my mare, often found waffling to myself, trying to get Megs approval or opinion!!
Tears will flow randomly for many weeks, months and years. It's normal. Sometimes tears won't flow. That's normal too.
I wish you so much love, it DOES get easier. Time is a healer. Memories will last forever.
 
Frumpoon said:
You never stop missing them but the burning pain eases after a bit

Other horses helped me focus, if I hadn't already had a collection then I'd have had another straightaway
Click to expand...

I had a second in most cases and it is easier to grieve if you have another horse to cuddle and care for and sometimes traits of your lost one start showing in the other one. I hate the emptiness left behind, I feel your pain as I have been there several times and still miss All my babies so much. xx
 
My heart goes out to you reading this. You are grieving and there is no right way or wrong way to do it. Take peace from knowing you did absolutely the right thing by your beautiful mare and that what was hardest for you was kindest for her.
It does get easier with time but will be with you always. Grief and losing a loved one, whether human or animal, is not something you get over, you just learn to carry it better so that life becomes easier and full of light again.
Give yourself time and space to grieve how you need to grieve. The love for your girl shone through all you wrote about her and made us all feel we knew both her and you. We are all grieving a little with you, but hopefully all the support from people will help to carry you through this time, to happier times to come.
 
Your Facebook post made me cry because it made me think of the horse I had PTS 10 years ago. This is extremely recent for you. The pain eventually lessens, mostly I think of mine with fondness, but I’m afraid it takes a long time to stop hurting. Give yourself time to grieve, don’t be pushed into another or doing anything you aren’t comfortable with. {{{Hugs}}}
 
I'm so sorry. It is very hard to lose a horse you love and only time will heal. There is shock and grief to deal with and it is all part of a process. You gave your mare a wonderful life, cared for to the end. When you are ready to do your tack and rugs, look at it a if you are making everything perfect for her memory and it will help to put it all beautifully in order.
 
It does get easier, i had my boy pts last March and still think of him everyday. Give yourself time, cry when you need to. My new girl landed in my lap a couple of days after Zac had gone, i know a lot of people thought it was too soon but that was just the way it happened. Deal with your girls stuff when you are ready, she won't mind. I eventually had a bracelet made from Zacs tail hair. He comes out and about with me now. It will get better xx
 
Even reading this brings me to tears one year after loosing my boy suddenly and horribly. I still cry all the time tbh, but the bear on hysterical crying has vanished.

My new boy helped so much, I bought him unseen from Ireland as I couldn’t bear to horse shop, he was the best thing I could have done and kept me in a routine/focused.
 
My heart really goes out to you, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Grief is a strange thing, it isn't a linear process, it is unique to you and the relationship you had with Tessy. As others have said, she was a true HHO horse, and the forum is a safe and supportive place to discuss your feelings. There is no right way to grieve, do what is right for you.
 
So very sorry for your loss; she was a very beautiful, very loved horse xx

Nobody but you can tell you how long getting over the shock grief stage takes, what to do, what to keep where to go etc. Do what feels right to you is right. Be kind to yourself.
 
I absolutely get how you're feeling. It's totally rational to feel the way you do. I was in your position 10 months ago. I wish I could tell you that in x ammount of time you will feel better, but what I can tell you is that gradually the pain eases. I'm still a mess at times. I've not cleaned my mouldy tack or addressed what I'm going to do with it all. I kept my horses ashes and when I move house I plan to plant a tree and scatter them. I had some jewelry made too and I've kept his shoes to make something special with.
I'm not planning on getting another horse, he was my horse of a lifetime. Finding a purpose is proving a challenge but I'll get there, as will you.
Allow yourself to grieve. It takes time. Do those awful jobs on a day you feel stronger and take a friend to distract you.
My heart goes out to you
xx
 
I'm sorry for your loss. If you feel you need to talk to someone about Tessy, The Blue cross has a free helpline with trained volunteers. You can email too if you prefer.
 
So sorry to hear about your loss. Nothing much to add to what everyone else has said, except to remember back to how Tessy was before she got ill and the life you had together. I still look for our old dog who was put to sleep at the end of December. You just need time.
I love the idea of the apple tree.
 
There are five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You may go through all these, or only one or two, and they may not be in this order, but every human goes through the same. It might help to speak to someone or buy a book. I bought something on kindle on Saturday as I've lost my Dad before Xmas and its hit me really hard. I'm finding it comforting to know I'm not going mad. There are books on Amazon that deal with the loss of a horse as I've bought one before now. Have a search and buy one and have a read. Above all speak to your friends at the yard. I've always found it comforting going to the yard and messing around with my stable and getting all my grooming kit cleaned, saddle cloths, rugs, etc. I liked to be around my horse stable and talk to my friends. Look for something that reminds you of your horse. We have found a rose named after my dad, we did the same with the dogs and horses we've lost and planted rose trees. The blue cross have a memorial web page to put your memories of your beloved pets on, and I've done this before now.

https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-memorials
 
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So sorry - I had my boy PTS four weeks ago and I'm still coming to terms with it. My husband has been amazing - he used to ride Troy and although he's not that horsey loved him too. I guess I come into the 'not as devastated as expected' camp too, but my horse had been suffering from PSD for more than two years and had been rehabbed twice, so I always knew it was something I'd have to face. I'm just missing him at the moment, although there was a strange timeliness to the return of severe lameness that made the final decision for us - a week after he was PTS I was diagnosed with a prolapsed L5 disc and have just had surgery, so there's no way I would be able to look after him now, let alone continue his rehab.
As for the process of PTS, everyone handles it differently - he was so relaxed because he knew the vet practice, the vet and her assistant really well having had so much treatment. I held him when they put the needle in but then they took him from me as I didn't want to see him hit the floor. I have the comfort of knowing it was a peaceful end, with people who were fussing and petting him, which makes a big difference.
Take your time getting tack etc sorted out - a bit of mould won't hurt it. Our livery yard was amazing and said his stuff and even our lorry could stay there as long as we wanted, but I've just bundled the tack in our storage container to sort out later - obviously I can't do it at the moment, and our lorry has gone away to be sold.
I will have another horse, probably this time next year, but I just think my husband deserves a break and it will be good for me too, after the trauma of having a poorly horse for 2 years. The change of routine is difficult - I was planning a big fitness campaign, but now that is on hold and I'm just focusing on my own rehab!
We're also thinking about a nice portrait from one of the millions of photos we've got, but I'm very fussy!
 
For me personally, I cleared her stable the day she was PTS, I packed away her things in the garage the same day too. Her things will never be sold or used on another horse (apart from her saddle that I have used)
My girl was PTS April 2015 and I still get upset. It takes time.
 
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