When to give up?

GreyDot said:
You have spoken alot about the horse and sound like a very competent and caring owner. But what is it that you want, as a rider going forward? It doesn't sound like you want to give up horses, just that this one has ground you down, and that can happen, much as we love them. If your trainer knows you well, maybe have a heart to heart with them next session and talk through your goals. Maybe this horse needs to be someone else, or turned away for awhile while you re-assess.
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This is very valid and I think I’ve got a bit lost along the way. I spent the first year just getting him down off the ceiling and getting some basics in place and suffering ‘new horse syndrome’, year 2 starting to get him out and making some progress, year 3 actually starting to enjoy him and getting a bit ambitious….and then we hit a wall. So now I’m a bit “what is the end goal” and the heart to heart with my trainer really gave me a bit of a wake up call of what DO I plan to do with this horse…. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Writing all this down and talking it through though has made me realise I’m not playing to his strengths at the moment. I did have a lovely summer with him last year, but I haven’t actually jumped him all winter and as such I’ve lost my bottle to start up with him again. So I decided to focus on flatwork for a bit, which I know isn’t our strong point, and we’ve spiralled into one bad ride after another. So I’ve gotten myself in a place of “can’t jump my horse and can’t do flatwork with him, and if I can’t even do flatwork with him there’s no hope of jumping again”…. When actually perhaps I just need a kick up the backside to get going again. 😬

But I understand where trainer is coming from as it really shouldn’t all be this hard!
 
You could put some feelers out to see if a nice home is out there for him? You just never know. If you are completely honest about him, you might be lucky.

Or like someone else said, go down a different route with your training of him.

Or thirdly, even though the vets think he’s ok, he maybe actually isn’t, and the stressy behaviour could be down to pain, and it’s time to retire him.
 
You sound like such a wonderful owner, and I really hope you manage to work something out.

Your horse does sound tricky, but you also sound to have made so much progress with him - you need to give yourself credit for that, for the much better life you are giving him compared to what he might have had.

I don't really have many suggestions beyond those already given - I totally understand and respect why you don't want to sell or laon him out. If you could find the perfect sharer it might take the pressure off you, but perfect sharers are hard to come by :(
 
Cragrat said:
You sound like such a wonderful owner, and I really hope you manage to work something out.

Your horse does sound tricky, but you also sound to have made so much progress with him - you need to give yourself credit for that, for the much better life you are giving him compared to what he might have had.

I don't really have many suggestions beyond those already given - I totally understand and respect why you don't want to sell or laon him out. If you could find the perfect sharer it might take the pressure off you, but perfect sharers are hard to come by :(
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Thank you that’s so kind. I do love him and he’s really not terrible, he’s just ‘hard work’ and I think trainer is just worried I’m not always emotionally resilient enough to take it on the chin as I’ve been in a bit of a rut with him lately.

He basically said my options are keep pushing on and accept it’s always going to be hard and I might not get where I want to be. Sell him to hunt for a few years. Sell him to a crazy teenager who wants a cheap horse to gallop around on. Find the funds to run a 3rd horse alongside him.

I think I’ve always been hoping if I worked hard enough we’d suddenly turn a corner and it would all get easier, so being told with a bit of tough love that isn’t going to happen and I’ve got what I’ve got basically was a tough pill to swallow.

I totally get what he is saying, and I hate to be that frustrating person who comes on here asking for advice and rebuts all the suggestions, but I think that’s how I ended up in this place mentally - I do know my options but I just don’t like the idea of any of them!

I do really appreciate everyone letting me get my thoughts out and it’s genuinely been really helpful just to talk it through. If nothing else, the thought of actually selling him horrifying me so much has made me realise I need to get a grip and suck it up then if I’m not prepared to do so!
 
Jellymoon said:
You could put some feelers out to see if a nice home is out there for him? You just never know. If you are completely honest about him, you might be lucky.

Or like someone else said, go down a different route with your training of him.

Or thirdly, even though the vets think he’s ok, he maybe actually isn’t, and the stressy behaviour could be down to pain, and it’s time to retire him.
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He’s a funny little thing, he can be Mr Chill, and then he isn’t. I think he’s had a bit of a rocky past which is why I’m so protective of him I guess. His breeder told me he was never off the leg and quite lazy but reactive, his pictures from when he was hunting he was always hunted by big strong men in spurs and a gag. When he arrived I literally couldn’t touch him with my leg and he went everywhere at 100mph with limited brakes, so he obviously learned that going forwards wasn’t optional at some point. I still can’t adjust my reins without him having a small panic, I think he was whipped across the shoulder with the loose loop of rein at some point as he anticipates something and shoots off. If you approach him in the stable he hides at the back of the box, but fine in the cross ties. These are all things from his past I should add, the people I bought him from only had him for 3 months and I know they treated him fairly and kindly so it’s nothing against them at all.

He trusts me implicitly now and has gone from being so uptight and anxious to a daft, cuddly gelding that trots down to the field gate when he sees me and pulls silly faces to ask for a treat. So I do have a big emotional feeling of responsibility towards him and would protect him at all costs. It would be easier if I didn’t and I wish I could see it more pragmatically as a tick box exercise like my trainer does!
 
Exasperated said:
Team chasing, hunter trials, hunting? Plenty of horses like that continue into their twenties, doing rather less as years go by, on the hunting field. Actually, those horses might survive longer than hunting does.
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I'd do the same. Better a shorter life doing something he really likes, than a long life being a square peg in a round hole. If he's a safe hunter or team chasing, I'd try to find him that kind of a home, probably on long term loan so you retain control over what happens when he becomes incapable of doing the job he likes.

ETA Sorry, just read all your replies and seen that you don't think that would work.
 
Widgeon said:
I'd do the same. Better a shorter life doing something he really likes, than a long life being a square peg in a round hole. If he's a safe hunter or team chasing, I'd try to find him that kind of a home, probably on long term loan so you retain control over what happens when he becomes incapable of doing the job he likes.

ETA Sorry, just read all your replies and seen that you don't think that would work.
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No I can see it would be the most logical suggestion and if he was younger I probably would but I just feel a bit like he’s ’lived that life’. He really has improved massively and we do have lots of fun together, this thread has definitely made me realise I’ve just gotten hung up on trying to fix all the things he ‘won’t’ do - hence the square peg and round hole! Rather than just enjoying what he’s good at.

He’s a very happy horse I promise, it’s more a case of me accepting he doesn’t align with my ambitions and being realistic about where we go next I think.

And of course my trainers job is to want me to achieve my goals and to get me there, so I can absolutely see his point of view that I’m banging my head on a brick wall a bit at times. From a professional stance you find a horse that can do the job you want, but from an amateur view instead the reality is you have to pivot a bit and find a job that suits your horse.

I think I will take a step back, give myself some breathing space, aim to get him out jumping again and see where we go from there. I’m going to ditch the eventing plans once and for all I think and give some hunter trials a whirl instead and see what that brings!
 
I think you really love this horse and you aren't ready to give up on him.

My best suggestion would be to give him plenty of variety in his work to keep him happy. As a for instance, could you take him to the gallops every now and then and let him have a bit of a blast to keep him sweet.. Pole clinics, riding club clinics, TREC obstacles.

If he's not working well in his weekly lesson, could you have a lesson every other week instead?

You don't have to give up doing what you enjoy, but meet him halfway and let him have a bit of fun too. 🙂
 
What do you want to do with a horse/riding wise?
Is eventing the dream and 100% focus, or could you change your ambitions to fit his strengths more?

This winter has been tough. Can you give yourselves a break for a bit, take some time to consider what you want out of riding and maybe pick him up again in a month with the aim of a summer of fun (which it sounds like you had last summer).
Or do a month of TRT or similar ground work. Something completely different and low pressure that you both might enjoy.
The recent weather and grass is sending most horses a bit potty, so after a break and more turn out you might find yourselves back, slightly more, on the same wavelength.


Depending on your decision I would either have a frank chat with your instructor about goals and how to find a happy middle ground between what you want and how your boy likes to go, or find a new instructor who is happy to help you work around/with his preferred way of going.

He is 16 and sounds like he has fallen on his hooves with you.
I hope you can find a solution that works for both of you.
 
southerncomfort said:
I think you really love this horse and you aren't ready to give up on him.

My best suggestion would be to give him plenty of variety in his work to keep him happy. As a for instance, could you take him to the gallops every now and then and let him have a bit of a blast to keep him sweet.. Pole clinics, riding club clinics, TREC obstacles.

If he's not working well in his weekly lesson, could you have a lesson every other week instead?

You don't have to give up doing what you enjoy, but meet him halfway and let him have a bit of fun too. 🙂
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Thank you, yes you’re right. Over summer he’s out up to 3-4 times a week doing clinics, out jumping, farm rides, on the gallops etc. but it’s been such an utterly miserable winter I've realised we’ve been stuck doing his 2 least favourite things for months on end - flatwork and hacking on our own. So I’m really just seeing the worst side of him all the time and have got myself in a slump!

There’s a few other factors that I think have compounded how I’m feeling, winter in general being so miserable, I also lost one of my best riding buddies a few months ago when they moved yards so I’ve had to try and motivate myself to do more alone, and it’s coming up to the anniversary of the death of my heart horse 3 years ago. He was ‘Mr Perfect’ in many ways and while I never compare them or resent new horse as they are totally different personalities with completely different strengths and weaknesses, I do think I’m more sensitive and tend to think about him more at this time of year and reminisce about how easy life was with him.

I think you’re right and I need to get out of my own head a bit and stop sulking and crack on for a while and then see where we’re at in a couple of months!
 
YourValentine said:
What do you want to do with a horse/riding wise?
Is eventing the dream and 100% focus, or could you change your ambitions to fit his strengths more?

This winter has been tough. Can you give yourselves a break for a bit, take some time to consider what you want out of riding and maybe pick him up again in a month with the aim of a summer of fun (which it sounds like you had last summer).
Or do a month of TRT or similar ground work. Something completely different and low pressure that you both might enjoy.
The recent weather and grass is sending most horses a bit potty, so after a break and more turn out you might find yourselves back, slightly more, on the same wavelength.


Depending on your decision I would either have a frank chat with your instructor about goals and how to find a happy middle ground between what you want and how your boy likes to go, or find a new instructor who is happy to help you work around/with his preferred way of going.

He is 16 and sounds like he has fallen on his hooves with you.
I hope you can find a solution that works for both of you.
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Thank you. You’re right, I have no idea what I want! I got very hung up on wanting to event him and I knew dressage was our weak phase, so gave myself winter to ‘crack it’ , when in reality I think I’ve realised I’ve been hammering us both at something he just doesn’t enjoy or excel at. So I’ve got myself in a rut of seeing the with side of my horse every day.

I’m also a very self-critical rider and this horse is the sort that highlights all your flaws, which is my trainers biggest concern. He’s worried I’m taking a battering emotionally from it all and just not enjoying the process, which is true. We’ve basically had a pretty rocky 6 months as I put a lot of pressure on myself to ‘get better’. Horse has always been very bold jumping but not very rideable, so I decided to stop winging it and strip it back and get some control in place. He’s improved massively but we had bumps along the way as we were teaching him a completely new way of going which wasn’t easy for him, and that rattled my confidence in him and myself as we were having stops and dramas etc. (which we worked through and came out the other side but I’m just not a very resilient rider and beat myself up over every mistake).

He’s also a very talented jumper and I feel a lot of pressure that we ‘should’ be doing X, Y and Z and that I let him down.

I think you’re right, I need to take the pressure off and realise we’re not training for Badminton and just enjoy him for what he’s good at. I’ve realised we had a lot more fun when I wasn’t overthinking everything and always wanting to get the perfect stride or the perfect round, or trying to prove something to myself all the time!
 
I mean this with a massive helping of kindness as I know how hard it is but loving him and adapting to him as much as you can isn't necessarily the best thing for him. Having been in a similar position (with a horse there wasn't much wrong with but I just didn't get on with) and not being one to sell horses, I totally understand where you're coming from but, despite the fact that you love him dearly and take excellent care of him, there IS a better home than you out there for him. I don't think 16 is too old for him to go to team chase, he could easily go another 5 years if you find him the right home who will support his needs and reflect that in his price.

When I sold Charlie, our confidence in each other had taken a big hit. He never really did anything wrong (the odd buck and one mini-meltdown on a solo hack when for the first time in my life, I turned round and came home) but he always felt like he was about to explode and I just couldn't make myself ride him through it. After the meltdown we had investigations which led to him getting his spine medicated. I needed to do his rehab and ride him properly to get him correctly muscled but I just couldn't do it. I sold him with full disclosure and honestly never really expected any new owner to do much more than I had been doing (a bit of everything at low level riding club) but he's now out doing BE90 and aiming for 100 this season and it honestly makes me so happy to see him enjoying his life in a way he couldn't with me. In the meantime, I bought Wiggy and had done more with him and felt more connected to him in our first 2 weeks than I did in 2 years with Charlie. You only have to read the way I gush about him to see how perfect he is for me.

As hard as it is, there will be a perfect home out there for him where he gets to do what he loves and there will be the perfect horse for you. Best case scenario for you is that you realise the problem was the two of just weren't the right match and you will want to carry one riding, worst case, you don't get another and have an extra £1000 a month to do something amazing with like a dream holiday or a new exciting hobby that's a bit less demanding on your time.
 
FieldOrnaments said:
You can event without amazing dressage if consistent in the other phases; you're not doing it as a job /income so just have fun and appreciate that - ok, you might not be where you want to be yet - but you've come a long way from where you started
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Thank you. Yes the issue is he gets a bit yee haa and leaves the boards 😳🤣 so sadly an instant elimination! I have a whole thread on it on here somewhere, it’s a bit of an issue 😂
 
He sounds like good craic and one person's 'Uh oh' moments are another person's 'Ye-haw!' moments. He sounds like he needs a job and hard work to stay sane. You've said a few times you've lost your confidence and there's no shame in that, but is it fair to him that he's navigating that plus his own anxiety? Not to make you feel bad but to put another slant on it!

I had a horse years ago I couldn't for the life get on with, I though he had a screw loose and he probably did a bit back then, he bolted with me twice and I had to chuck myself off before he crossed an A road both times, I broke my foot the first time and buggered my knee the second. I was going to have him put down but a friend of a friend bought him for peanuts. He's been in the same home for nearly a decade now team chasing, hunting, eventing etc etc. and turned into a cracker. I think he needed the balls worked off him for a good few years!

Horses are too expensive in every sense to keep when they're not right for you.
 
IrishMilo said:
He sounds like good craic and one person's 'Uh oh' moments are another person's 'Ye-haw!' moments. He sounds like he needs a job and hard work to stay sane. You've said a few times you've lost your confidence and there's no shame in that, but is it fair to him that he's navigating that plus his own anxiety? Not to make you feel bad but to put another slant on it!

I had a horse years ago I couldn't for the life get on with, I though he had a screw loose and he probably did a bit back then, he bolted with me twice and I had to chuck myself off before he crossed an A road both times, I broke my foot the first time and buggered my knee the second. I was going to have him put down but a friend of a friend bought him for peanuts. He's been in the same home for nearly a decade now team chasing, hunting, eventing etc etc. and turned into a cracker. I think he needed the balls worked off him for a good few years!

Horses are too expensive in every sense to keep when they're not right for you.
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That’s him in a nutshell! And he did very well last summer when I did indeed work the balls off him 😂

He loves to be busy and thrived last year when he would regularly do an 8 mile hunt ride, SJ comp, clinic, lesson and trip to the gallops in a week. It’s just been a crap winter and I’ve got in a viscous cycle I think of not doing enough with him then lacking the motivation to crack on because he’s being difficult as a result.

My lack of confidence at the moment is 100% not his fault to be fair, he hasn’t done anything wrong or unusual for him and we finished last summer in a good place, I’ve just not been doing enough over winter with the hideous weather and gotten out of practice and need to get over the hump of starting up again.

I will give myself a talking to and 3 months to see where we are at!
 
It’s very rare we sell a horse to a guaranteed future, it’s mostly the unknown. But I think you’d both be happier parting ways.
 
KikiDee said:
Thank you it’s comforting just to know I’m not alone. Its also a bit depressing when you’re surrounded by people telling you that your horse is a write off and that you’re just not going to get there and call it a day. I totally understand why and they have my best interest at heart, but it’s just made me feel very glum about it all!
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I’m the other way I have people around me telling me that Standie has a lot going for him, but it’s just me that can’t put my finger on why I’m not gelling with him as I would have liked. Today he gave me the run around for 5 mins catching him in the field and my teen daughter said hes sensing my negative vibes and she may indeed be right. We applied hoof armour to his hooves in an attempt to harden them off and ditch the hind boots sooner rather than later later. We tried to trot him up and he just wouldn’t trot up on the gravel lane. I said I would ride him tomorrow but I’m not entirely sure I will?
 
Kirstd33 said:
I’m the other way I have people around me telling me that Standie has a lot going for him, but it’s just me that can’t put my finger on why I’m not gelling with him as I would have liked. Today he gave me the run around for 5 mins catching him in the field and my teen daughter said hes sensing my negative vibes and she may indeed be right. We applied hoof armour to his hooves in an attempt to harden them off and ditch the hind boots sooner rather than later later. We tried to trot him up and he just wouldn’t trot up on the gravel lane. I said I would ride him tomorrow but I’m not entirely sure I will?
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It’s so hard with a new horse, and I can’t imagine how much more stressful it’s been with the added drama you’ve had with his feet and your bad ride/fall the other day. It honestly took me a full 12 months to really click or feel any enthusiasm for my horse, it probably shouldn’t take that long but in reality I struggled a lot at first and only persevered because I did like who he was and told myself I’d see it through a summer and see where we were at….but god he tested me! I also couldn’t catch him half the time at first which really does feel like insult added to injury doesn’t it 🙃

I will say it did turn out ok in the end, I know that sounds hypocritical from me given this thread but he’s truly given me some of the BEST times, I’ve just got myself in a rut over winter I think.

On the other hand, could I have had a much easier and carefree few years with a different horse and be in a very different place now? undoubtedly yes.

So I really do sympathise and it’s incredibly tricky to make the call in the early days, I think it really comes down to whether you feel any attachment to their personality in your heart, or you’re just going through the motions and hoping it will improve?
 
Kirstd33 said:
I’m the other way I have people around me telling me that Standie has a lot going for him, but it’s just me that can’t put my finger on why I’m not gelling with him as I would have liked. Today he gave me the run around for 5 mins catching him in the field and my teen daughter said hes sensing my negative vibes and she may indeed be right. We applied hoof armour to his hooves in an attempt to harden them off and ditch the hind boots sooner rather than later later. We tried to trot him up and he just wouldn’t trot up on the gravel lane. I said I would ride him tomorrow but I’m not entirely sure I will?
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You’ve mentioned before about him being barefoot and a physio (IIRC) saying he was lame behind. If he doesn’t want to trot on the gravel he’s footsore and he needs boots on. If that’s not working he either needs shoes on or to stay on soft ground. It’s like forcing a person to run on gravel.
 
Kirstd33 said:
I’m the other way I have people around me telling me that Standie has a lot going for him, but it’s just me that can’t put my finger on why I’m not gelling with him as I would have liked. Today he gave me the run around for 5 mins catching him in the field and my teen daughter said hes sensing my negative vibes and she may indeed be right. We applied hoof armour to his hooves in an attempt to harden them off and ditch the hind boots sooner rather than later later. We tried to trot him up and he just wouldn’t trot up on the gravel lane. I said I would ride him tomorrow but I’m not entirely sure I will?
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Why do you want to ditch the hoof boots? It sounds like he needs them. He probably doesn't want to be caught if he's going to be asked to move on gravel if he has sensitive feet
 
FieldOrnaments said:
Why do you want to ditch the hoof boots? It sounds like he needs them. He probably doesn't want to be caught if he's going to be asked to move on gravel if he has sensitive feet
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To prevent the incident that happened last Monday when one came off the hoof but the gaiter kept it flapping round his fetlock and he did an almighty buck in canter which unseated me and hebolted off down the road bucking to try to lose the flapping boot. Then bucked me off again trying to remount! Obvs I don’t want him to be in discomfort though I’m not cruel. Just currently still black and blue from hitting the concrete deck twice from 15.3hh high!
 
Kirstd33 said:
To prevent the incident that happened last Monday when one came off the hoof but the gaiter kept it flapping round his fetlock and he did an almighty buck in canter which unseated me and hebolted off down the road bucking to try to lose the flapping boot. Then bucked me off again trying to remount! Obvs I don’t want him to be in discomfort though I’m not cruel. Just currently still black and blue from hitting the concrete deck twice from 15.3hh high!
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When I had previous horse barefoot he did very well on most surfaces but always struggled with fine gravel for some reason even after fully transitioned, he’d potter over it like he was crippled. Like you we had a gravel drive that lead from yard to our hacking, he was fine once we were off it but I used to have to lead him very slowly in hand and let him pick his way down and then get on once we were off the gravel. Thankfully track was quite short and he was barefoot for medical reasons so I just had to do the best I could really.

Any way you can avoid the track for now at least? Or boot up until you’re off the track then hop off and remove them? Did you say you were debating putting shoes back on or did I imagine that? The odds are really stacked against you to be able to get going and enjoy him at the moment aren’t they bless you 😞
 
Kirstd33 said:
To prevent the incident that happened last Monday when one came off the hoof but the gaiter kept it flapping round his fetlock and he did an almighty buck in canter which unseated me and hebolted off down the road bucking to try to lose the flapping boot. Then bucked me off again trying to remount! Obvs I don’t want him to be in discomfort though I’m not cruel. Just currently still black and blue from hitting the concrete deck twice from 15.3hh high!
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If you don’t want to re shoe (for whatever reason), and the horse needs protective hoof boots to hack comfortably, you simply need boots which do not also attach around the fetlocks, like Flex, or G2s with their figure 8 strap.
You need a different type, very simply: a boot that generally stays on with your horse’s paces, but spins straight off when detached, rather than remains anchored and flapping round his ankles!
Obviously, you will then have to find the damn thing, one reason garish colours are now so popular.
Can be a pain trying out boot shapes and styles, basically the best boot is the one which fits your horse, but the safety considerations described are equally important to both your enjoyment.
Doesn’t sound like you’re ready for the Tevis Cup yet - there are plenty of other hoof boot styles, including older, more ‘clumpy’ designs which would answer just fine for hacking about. Good luck
 
I know you have said you won't entertain selling or loaning so feel free to ignore. But I was once told that it was better for rider AND horse to suit each other. And that if the horse is not right for you, that often means you aren;t right for the horse either. And that landed for me. He sounds like a busy, fun horse who could be having a whale of a time with another rider. Or with you if you regain your mojo. So my advice, for what it's worth, is to set a time linit, crack on as much as you can, and then see if you rediscover the love. If not, sell on. Or even long term loan with a view to retiring with you when it gets to that point. He'd be snapped up and you can make sure he's near enough to check up on and vet riders carefully. You can then save for your new horse with the saving on full livery which presumably is a big chunk of that £1500 per month.
 
Tarr Steps, who used to be a regular and well-respected poster here, used to say 'don't try to teach a pig to sing - you'll waste your time and annoy the pig'. That sounds apt for your situation!

I struggled for over 3 years with my PRE, who I had from a weanling and who wanted for nothing. I couldn't make progress in the dressage arena despite him having plenty of talent for it - we did find hock bony changes eventually, which were treated and one subsequently fused of its own accord - but ultimately he just loves going fast and working hard. He's now at a friend's riding holiday place and loving his new job.

It's hard to accept that (a) your hard work is going to waste and (b) that your approach / management / ambitions aren't working for the horse. But someone else may have heaps of fun with him (and sounds like there are options that would work!) while you could move onto a more rewarding horse that enjoys the job you want to do.
 
Kirstd33 said:
I’m the other way I have people around me telling me that Standie has a lot going for him, but it’s just me that can’t put my finger on why I’m not gelling with him as I would have liked. Today he gave me the run around for 5 mins catching him in the field and my teen daughter said hes sensing my negative vibes and she may indeed be right. We applied hoof armour to his hooves in an attempt to harden them off and ditch the hind boots sooner rather than later later. We tried to trot him up and he just wouldn’t trot up on the gravel lane. I said I would ride him tomorrow but I’m not entirely sure I will?
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Is there any reason he can't have shoes on? I've just seen someone i know spend a huge amount on vet investigations only for all her problems to vanish with front shoes.
 
I think if you are confident the issues arose over winter for very specific reasons which you can pinpoint and redress so you aren't in the same position next year, I would give it a good go over the next few months. I mean, you've done the worst of winter.

But, with some clear parameters:

• Define what fun and success would look like for both your horse and yourself if you stay together as a partnership.

With two questions in mind:

• Is the horse enjoying the experience?
• Are you enjoying it?

Then I'd reassess in 3 months time with a plan to loan or sell in the late Summer/Autumn if not going so well.

I think buying horses is like a long term relationship - no one ever moves in with their partner wanting it to not work, but sometimes two people are just better suited and happier with other people long term. And there's no shame or blame in that.
 
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