Why am I in such a state?

[My_breadbagel]

I’m heading off to uni in a few weeks, to a great university (Russell Group) , close to home, with my dream dorm room, and I was feeling pretty chuffed. I’ve been crying on and off, feeling a bit dreary about leaving my two horses behind (admittedly, I’m crying most my over my beloved first horse, who I’d had for five years and have one of those deep connections with). I’m coming home every weekend, but will have to ride less. Anyways, today I was organising my trip to drop my things off, completing forms, and I was feeling so incredibly great about it. Then, about an hour ago, i realised I wouldn’t be able to ride today and started crying. I don’t know why. Someone please help me out and make me feel better… please?

 

[TealH0rse]

You’ll be ok! Once you get to university you’ll be too busy working and having fun to be upset. You’ll still be able to ride at the weekends and you could always get a sharer in the meantime so you know they’re getting some love in the week.

Change is incredibly scary, but this is going to be a great time for you. Congratulations on getting into a Russel group.

 

[Shoei]

It's a huge milestone and a big change to life too, you are bound to be emotional, so please do be easy on yourself!

It will also take some time to adjust and settle in to the new routine when at uni so you may continue to feel like this for a little while, I think that's why so many people quit uni in the first term, but keep at it and it will soon be life and you will feeling much better in your new routine.

 

[babymare]

Congratulations for being accepted to your uni.Change is always hard but it’s what happens in life. But let’s fast forward to when you graduate. You will then look back and think “what a blast I have had at uni”. Your horses will be there at weekends and will be happy to see you. So take this tissue, wipe your eyes and smile. Enjoy uni life x

 

[poiuytrewq]

Going to Uni is a massive scary thing. Go easy on yourself, give yourself time.
You’ll have a great time when your there and it sounds like you get to keep the horses so you’ll have weekends and holidays to catch up with them. Your going to have the best of both worlds. I’d say it’s very normal to feel how you are. X

 

[Widgeon]

Change, and big decisions, are frightening. I think your feelings sound pretty normal - have a cry if you need to, talk to some you trust and try not to bottle it up, then as others say once you get there and settle in after a couple of weeks (I found the first couple of weeks to be SO hard but once I had two or three friends I was away) you'll be right into a new routine. You'll probably be so busy you don't have time to miss home (and the horses) too much.

It will also take some time to adjust and settle in to the new routine when at uni so you may continue to feel like this for a little while, I think that's why so many people quit uni in the first term, but keep at it and it will soon be life and you will feeling much better in your new routine.

This is so true - the first term might be really hard but if it is, grit your teeth, be as sociable as you reasonably can, and it will almost certainly improve. And remember that chances are, other people are feeling the same. Try to seek them out if that helps. It's how I found my first University Friend in halls - we were both quiet and shy but once we'd teamed up things got much easier! We're still close fifteen years on.

 

[SO1]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are.

1. You have two horses. Most young people cannot afford one horse let alone two especially young people who are not working.
2. You have a place at a top university that many people could only dream of attending. This will look good on your CV and give a step up the career ladder that many young people will not get.
3. You do not have to sell your horses in order to attend university.
4. Your university is near enough for you to return every weekend to see your horses.
5. During the week you can concentrate on your studies and if you want socialise without having to worry about trying to fit this around looking after your horses.
6. University holidays are very long and this will give you months to spend with your horses uninterrupted.

Yes you might feel a bit homesick at first but many people would love to have the opportunities you have.

My pony was sold went to university I was in tears it was awful but I meet some amazing friends at uni who I have had great times with over the last 32 years and who have supported me during difficult times.

I didn't have the funds to get another horse until I was 35. After owning him for 15 years I had to have him put down aged 20 I was devastated you still have your two horses I don't even have one at the moment.

Really your life is not so bad think about all the positives in your life.

 

[spotty_pony]

You’ll be ok. As others have said it just takes some adjusting to. At least you will be home at weekends and if you have someone to look after your horses for your whilst away then you are very lucky. Embrace it, it isn’t something that you will be doing forever and as long as the horses are being looked after they won’t mind doing a bit less work.

 

[Widgeon]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are....Really your life is not so bad think about all the positives in your life.

I think this is unkind. Just because someone is privileged doesn't mean they aren't ever allowed to feel overwhelmed or frightened. I don't think the OP is complaining - rather I read the title of her post as meaning "why do I feel so upset when everything is going so well".

 

[Abacus]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are.

1. You have two horses. Most young people cannot afford one horse let alone two especially young people who are not working.
2. You have a place at a top university that many people could only dream of attending. This will look good on your CV and give a step up the career ladder that many young people will not get.
3. You do not have to sell your horses in order to attend university.
4. Your university is near enough for you to return every weekend to see your horses.
5. During the week you can concentrate on your studies and if you want socialise without having to worry about trying to fit this around looking after your horses.
6. University holidays are very long and this will give you months to spend with your horses uninterrupted.

Yes you might feel a bit homesick at first but many people would love to have the opportunities you have.

My pony was sold went to university I was in tears it was awful but I meet some amazing friends at uni who I have had great times with over the last 32 years and who have supported me during difficult times.

I didn't have the funds to get another horse until I was 35. After owning him for 15 years I had to have him put down aged 20 I was devastated you still have your two horses I don't even have one at the moment.

Really your life is not so bad think about all the positives in your life.

I think this is unkindly phrased and somewhat biased by personal experience. That said there is some value here in remembering those good points listed. OP you will settle into university life. You might even find a uni competing team that you could join in. Personally I would consider not going home every weekend - you might miss out on so much that is a once in a lifetime chance, of socialising and living away from home. But you can decide on this as you go. Congratulations, and also well done for caring so much about your lovely horses. Timing in life is never quite right - never a good time to leave home, go to university, move house, have a baby… especially when you have horses. There are always compromises to be made in realising one dream - you leave others behind. It’s sad and also totally normal.

 

[TealH0rse]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are.

1. You have two horses. Most young people cannot afford one horse let alone two especially young people who are not working.
2. You have a place at a top university that many people could only dream of attending. This will look good on your CV and give a step up the career ladder that many young people will not get.
3. You do not have to sell your horses in order to attend university.
4. Your university is near enough for you to return every weekend to see your horses.
5. During the week you can concentrate on your studies and if you want socialise without having to worry about trying to fit this around looking after your horses.
6. University holidays are very long and this will give you months to spend with your horses uninterrupted.

Yes you might feel a bit homesick at first but many people would love to have the opportunities you have.

My pony was sold went to university I was in tears it was awful but I meet some amazing friends at uni who I have had great times with over the last 32 years and who have supported me during difficult times.

I didn't have the funds to get another horse until I was 35. After owning him for 15 years I had to have him put down aged 20 I was devastated you still have your two horses I don't even have one at the moment.

Really your life is not so bad think about all the positives in your life.

She’s 18 (presumably) just going off to uni. It’s completely normal to feel the way she does. This message was unnecessary and many people don’t do well with ‘tough love’ and reminders of what they have.

If I, someone who has never been able to afford my own horse, having to go into an extremely stressful line of work for it to even be a consideration in the next few years, can feel empathy for her, I’m sure you can considering your own privilege.

 

[Winters100]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are.

The problem with this type of thinking is that on this basis no one on this forum would ever have the 'right' to feel sad or overwhelmed about anything. It is a bit like being told to eat your vegetables, because there are children in Africa who would love to have them. Compared to millions of people we are all incredibly privileged, just in having enough to eat and medical care, let alone an education and other things. When your horse was sold because you left for university you said it was awful. I don't suppose that someone telling you that you were privileged to have had a horse and to be going to university would have helped you cope.

Of course no one likes to hear young people complaining when they are in fact lucky, but I do not think that OP was doing that. S/he was simply expressing how s/he feels and asking for help in coping with it.

OP, go off to uni with an open mind. It will be a wonderful experience for you, and you will have holidays to spend with your horses. As others have said change can often be a worry, but it can also be very positive. Good luck.

 

[NikkiQ]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are.

1. You have two horses. Most young people cannot afford one horse let alone two especially young people who are not working.
2. You have a place at a top university that many people could only dream of attending. This will look good on your CV and give a step up the career ladder that many young people will not get.
3. You do not have to sell your horses in order to attend university.
4. Your university is near enough for you to return every weekend to see your horses.
5. During the week you can concentrate on your studies and if you want socialise without having to worry about trying to fit this around looking after your horses.
6. University holidays are very long and this will give you months to spend with your horses uninterrupted.

Yes you might feel a bit homesick at first but many people would love to have the opportunities you have.

My pony was sold went to university I was in tears it was awful but I meet some amazing friends at uni who I have had great times with over the last 32 years and who have supported me during difficult times.

I didn't have the funds to get another horse until I was 35. After owning him for 15 years I had to have him put down aged 20 I was devastated you still have your two horses I don't even have one at the moment.

Really your life is not so bad think about all the positives in your life.

I feel this is really unkind. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed by big life changes. I never had a horse or pony of my own, I didn’t have the most supportive upbringing, I dropped out of A Levels and college due to mental health issues and soon ended up an unemployed single parent… I’m in a completely different place now and looking to buy my first horse but I would never use my life experience to diminish someone else’s!

 

[Red-1]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are.

1. You have two horses. Most young people cannot afford one horse let alone two especially young people who are not working.
2. You have a place at a top university that many people could only dream of attending. This will look good on your CV and give a step up the career ladder that many young people will not get.
3. You do not have to sell your horses in order to attend university.
4. Your university is near enough for you to return every weekend to see your horses.
5. During the week you can concentrate on your studies and if you want socialise without having to worry about trying to fit this around looking after your horses.
6. University holidays are very long and this will give you months to spend with your horses uninterrupted.

Yes you might feel a bit homesick at first but many people would love to have the opportunities you have.

My pony was sold went to university I was in tears it was awful but I meet some amazing friends at uni who I have had great times with over the last 32 years and who have supported me during difficult times.

I didn't have the funds to get another horse until I was 35. After owning him for 15 years I had to have him put down aged 20 I was devastated you still have your two horses I don't even have one at the moment.

Really your life is not so bad think about all the positives in your life.

I too feel this is unfair. The difference is that you have half a lifetime more experience to draw on to (hopefully) put things in perspective. I would think that by the time you are 50, you will have left home and be happy with your independence. It is different for OP.

I understand that you are grieving for your lost horse, but think it is unfair to take that out on OP.

OP, it will be scary, cry if you have to. Go and give it your all, I'm sure that after a few weeks you will be buzzing.

 

[SO1]

Sorry if it seems harsh, maybe loosing my own horse recently has made me less sympathetic. I do understand it is hard to be parted from your horse.

I just felt OP may feel better by looking at the many positive things she has in life.

If you feel down it is often can be a good starting point to list all the positives you have in life. It is very easy to focus on the one negative thing on what appears on the surface to a wonderful life.

I do understand some people can have wonderfully privileged lifes and still suffer from anxiety or worry.

My parents when we were children used to tell my sister and I on almost a daily basis that we were lucky we had food to eat when so many children had so little so I have grown up with that mentality.

OP if you feel really unhappy being parted from the horses during the week and not being able to ride when you want to, there maybe other options like Open University which can be done from home. There may be solutions to the problem if you do find it unbearable, hopefully you won't and everything will be ok.

I think this is unkind. Just because someone is privileged doesn't mean they aren't ever allowed to feel overwhelmed or frightened. I don't think the OP is complaining - rather I read the title of her post as meaning "why do I feel so upset when everything is going so well".

 

[claret09]

bless you. i really understand how you feel. i stayed at uni during the week and then went home at weekends. i needed to be able to ride and see the horses - so i do understand your anxiety. i did miss out on some of the events which went on at uni - however, i went to uni in london so many of my friends also went home at weekends. see how you go - don't put pressure on yourself to stay at weekends if you feel you want to go home - however, you might absolutely love having the opportunity to experience something different. the horses will be happy at home and will love seeing you when you get home. i really hope you have a great time.

 

[Wizpop]

The thing is, OP, when we imagine ourselves in a new, future situation where so much is different from our current, happy and secure present situation, we can only imagine how we will feel and it can seem overwhelming and the anxiety creeps in.
The more we think about the future and it’s unknowns,the bigger the picture gets, the more daunting it looks and the scarier it can feel. So, at 5his m9ment, my advice to you is to live more in the “now” and not to think too much or look too much at the future as once you are actuall6 there at uni and “living it”, the reality will feel and look a lot different. Just know that you will handle it and you will have a fantastic time! Good luck and enjoy ?

 

[ponynutz]

I went through this last year and I'm here to tell you that there's plenty of ways to get involved at uni with horses and as you've said you'll be coming home to ride.

After fresher's week life at uni becomes hell for about a month because it feels a bit lonely and overwhelming. I'd advise NOT coming home in the first month otherwise you might decide to just stay.

It's horrible but these feelings will always come with a big change... you've got this!

 

[AntiPuck]

It's so normal to grieve the way things are/were when you have big life changes to deal with - but that doesn't mean that what you're changing to won't be amazing.

Change is scary, that's why there are sayings like 'better the devil you know' etc. but ultimately it is these experiences that grow us as people and enrich our lives, and you have that to look forward to. I hope you have a fantastic time!

 

[Barton Bounty]

I think youv every right to feel scared, wary, excited and nervous all at once You will do absolutely fine, I wish you the best of luck at Uni! And youll treasure your time at home even more with your ponies ? you just knuckle down and study and enjoy your home time

 

[My_breadbagel]

It's a huge milestone and a big change to life too, you are bound to be emotional, so please do be easy on yourself!

It will also take some time to adjust and settle in to the new routine when at uni so you may continue to feel like this for a little while, I think that's why so many people quit uni in the first term, but keep at it and it will soon be life and you will feeling much better in your new routine.

With everyone at home calling me “brave” for going to uni and moving away from home… it pushed me over the edge. “I can’t believe you’re doing all this…” me neither!

 

[My_breadbagel]

You’ll be ok! Once you get to university you’ll be too busy working and having fun to be upset. You’ll still be able to ride at the weekends and you could always get a sharer in the meantime so you know they’re getting some love in the week.

Change is incredibly scary, but this is going to be a great time for you. Congratulations on getting into a Russel group.

Thank you so much for the congrats and kind words! I’ve planned to cram 2 hours of pretty chill riding into my weekends (I used to do this pre-2020). Just some basic schooling, hacking and low-level, Sunday dressage competitions if I see any. Nothing too strenuous! I’ve chosen to not share him as I have him going nicely, and I’m one of those rabid horse owners who can’t share- lol.

 

[My_breadbagel]

Going to Uni is a massive scary thing. Go easy on yourself, give yourself time.
You’ll have a great time when your there and it sounds like you get to keep the horses so you’ll have weekends and holidays to catch up with them. Your going to have the best of both worlds. I’d say it’s very normal to feel how you are. X

Thank you. I’m so glad my mum agreed to keep them for me- I’m an only child so it’ll probably keep her busy while I’m gone, as I feel bad about that too as we do everything together. I’m just going to miss my old boy so much

 

[My_breadbagel]

I think youv every right to feel scared, wary, excited and nervous all at once You will do absolutely fine, I wish you the best of luck at Uni! And youll treasure your time at home even more with your ponies ? you just knuckle down and study and enjoy your home time

Thank you for the kind words. With everyone calling me brave, lucky, smart, I started to feel awful. I didn’t get the grades I aimed for (AAB instead of AAA*- even though my offer was ABB) and felt bad about that. Then I Got over that and I don’t know, it hit me properly; I’m leaving the horse who I poured my soul into as a dumb teen, before school took over. The horse I worked with until he wasn’t a danger anymore. The horse who got me through the darkest time in my youth. For five years I’ve worried that my hard work will relapse and come undone- whenever we’ve had a regression, the heartbreak tore me apart as I pieced him back together. I don’t know- it just mounts up. I was so focused on fixing my best friend and keeping him whole that I didn’t see the end of the road sneak up on us like this.

 

[iknowmyvalue]

You’ll get through it.

this might sound weird, but you’re also allowed to be miserable! Don’t overdo it with putting pressure on yourself to make it the best time ever. If it’s just getting through the week to see your horses at the weekend that’s fine, if you find you’re enjoying it and want to miss the odd weekend day to see your friends that’s fine too! University is a great opportunity, you’ll learn lots and hopefully make lots of new friends, but it’s also ok if that isn’t your experience.

I say this as someone who not too many years ago, was in a similar-ish situation to you (except I was halfway up the country so it was a 5-6hr journey to come home on the train, so wasn’t doable every weekend). Put so much pressure on myself to enjoy it, and make myself someone I wasn’t that I ended up entirely miserable and suicidal.

Eventually stopped trying to force myself into “typical” uni life, encountered some more like minded people and started enjoying it more. I didn’t love it like some people do, but I did enjoy my last few years, and I needed it to do the job I so desperately wanted. I graduated 3 years ago, I love the job I do and am fairly happy with my life, and am so relieved I stuck it out.

 

[Ratface]

But it isn't "the end of the road"! It's a new adventure! Well done for getting excellent grades and getting into university. That's a great achievement and you should be very proud of it.
Your horse will be safe and well cared for by your mother, you can go to university and try to take this new experience a day at a time. Stay in the moment and enjoy it. You have put so much time, effort, love and commitment into your horse, he's hardly going to regress because you aren't there all the time.
Good luck, and hang on in there!

 

[Soap On A Rope]

I’m heading off to uni in a few weeks, to a great university (Russell Group) , close to home, with my dream dorm room, and I was feeling pretty chuffed. I’ve been crying on and off, feeling a bit dreary about leaving my two horses behind (admittedly, I’m crying most my over my beloved first horse, who I’d had for five years and have one of those deep connections with). I’m coming home every weekend, but will have to ride less. Anyways, today I was organising my trip to drop my things off, completing forms, and I was feeling so incredibly great about it. Then, about an hour ago, i realised I wouldn’t be able to ride today and started crying. I don’t know why. Someone please help me out and make me feel better… please?

My daughter chose a uni that she could take her horse to

 

[Winters100]

My daughter chose a uni that she could take her horse to

I'm not sure what you mean by this. I hope I am wrong, but to me it reads a little as if you are saying that OP is not committed to the welfare of his/her horse because s/he has chosen a university that suits his/her academic needs more than the ability to accommodate a horse. The horses will be fine, s/he has made arrangements that they will be cared for. Horses are a lovely hobby, but an education is the only thing which can not be lost or taken from us, and with my own children I would be horrified if they did not put academic issues first when choosing a university.

 

[ponynutz]

I'm not sure what you mean by this. I hope I am wrong, but to me it reads a little as if you are saying that OP is not committed to the welfare of his/her horse because s/he has chosen a university that suits his/her academic needs more than the ability to accommodate a horse. The horses will be fine, s/he has made arrangements that they will be cared for. Horses are a lovely hobby, but an education is the only thing which can not be lost or taken from us, and with my own children I would be horrified if they did not put academic issues first when choosing a university.

This ^
Sometimes, like OP, uni feels overwhelming and I wished I'd used my uni savings to buy a nice horse and go and become a rider/groom.

But as u say education is vital and horses will always be there - even more so if you have a job that can support them.

Soap, saying something like this when OP is already on the fence but most likely is wanting to go to university probably isn't 100% helpful.

 

[Caol Ila]

I hope the OP enjoys uni and finds things she loves to do and people she wants to hang out with when she can’t see her horse. Says me: I took my horse to uni. Across the country, then across the ocean. Not everyone can. Or wants to. You find new passions and hopefully make the best out of it.

But I get pissed off by these threads because people are always like “you need to experience new things and enjoy it and meet people and yadda, yadda, yadda.” I spent a lot of time around universities. Most of my life. So many people didn’t enjoy it. So many struggled. So many dropped out. And there’s so much damn pressure to fit into the paradigm of what uni is, or what people think it ought to be, that people who find themselves trapped outside of that nice little box feel weird, sad, wrong, in the wrong place. And university education is so standardized in the UK - there are no Hampshires or Bryn Mawrs or Mount Holyokes - that if you can't find your place in the ecosystem of effectively a big state university, you don't really have alternatives.

If you can't take the horse, but you feel desperate for contact with horses, then you can join the uni riding club, or you can catch ride or share a local horse. And it's okay to want that. I am down with that. You don't have to jettison your pre-uni life and try every bloody club/society in the place. If that suits you, great, but I get annoyed when people say that's what university should be. It should be something that works for you, and you should do whatever makes you happy enough to study and stay sane.