Why am I in such a state?

[Red-1]

With everyone at home calling me “brave” for going to uni and moving away from home… it pushed me over the edge. “I can’t believe you’re doing all this…” me neither!

I have an analogy for you. I go open water swimming. Getting in is awful some days. But, once in, the water feels great, even on the days when the water is very cold.

It is the change.

On days when it is cold weather but the water is not so different from the air temp, it is easier to get in than days where the water is warmer but the weather is a lot warmer still.

It is the change.

I go for a swim and, some days, I dither at the edge, can't seem to get in. But I do. I splash a little water on my arms, creep a little further, stop to acclimatise. Some days I swear never again! But, once in, the change is done and after a few strokes, I acclimatise and start to really enjoy myself.

I am quite a visual person, and maybe it would help you to think of the analogy of being at the water's edge. The cold of the water can be overwhelming, overpowering, all in (because you can't swim half in!). But keep putting one foot infront of the other, have a splash in the shallows and keep creeping forwards until, fully immersed, you acclimatise and are able to enjoy the experience.

Horses are a lovely hobby, but an education is the only thing which can not be lost or taken from us, and....

I disagree with this sentiment. I didn't go to university. I feel I had something just as important instilled into me, that I have not lost and cannot be taken from me. It is attitude: resilience to work hard and bounce back from adversity; ability to learn throughout life; a sense of fairness; optimism; a fair dollop of emotional intelligence, with a side order of sense of proportion and kindness.

Of course, you can go to university and have these things, and will be best placed for life if you do. However, I have seen plenty of people with degrees who seem to lack the other qualities and, in their case, a degree is of little use.

 

[stangs]

The best advice I can give - and it may well be awful advice - is to tell yourself that there's no avoiding this, and then just allow yourself to be miserable. Your mood will be all over the place as you move towards this life change; all you can really do is ride the wave.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

If it doesn’t work for you, you can always change it. Nothing is set in stone.

I’ve lived in three different cities in South Africa which were plane flights apart, New Zealand, Spain and Denmark - and here in the UK. Being somewhere new is terrifying but exhilarating, and you get the opportunity to choose what elements of yourself you want to bring with you. For example, as a child I was always told that I was clumsy and therefore was too afraid to try sports, and physical things like hiking etc. When I moved to New Zealand, no one knew that about me so I started mountain biking in the forests, hiking on weekends, swimming in the sea. It was only me holding myself back.

So go, give it a shot, and be whoever you want to be, without expectations and history following you. And then come back on the weekends, and ride your lovely horse. And if you’re not enjoying being away, then change it.

 

[Winters100]

I disagree with this sentiment. I didn't go to university. I feel I had something just as important instilled into me, that I have not lost and cannot be taken from me. It is attitude: resilience to work hard and bounce back from adversity; ability to learn throughout life; a sense of fairness; optimism; a fair dollop of emotional intelligence, with a side order of sense of proportion and kindness.

Of course, you can go to university and have these things, and will be best placed for life if you do. However, I have seen plenty of people with degrees who seem to lack the other qualities and, in their case, a degree is of little use.

I actually agree with this, common sense and resilience are incredibly important. Perhaps I phrased my statement wrongly, because of course it is possible to receive an education from life experiences. It does seem to me however that there are less and less good opportunities to earn a decent living for those without a university education than there were in the days when a lower proportion of school leavers had/took this option. Of course it is still possible, but it is harder. It is even worse in the US, where for many companies an MBA is seen as 'standard' for even mid-level professionals.

I feel quite sorry for this generation, because with zero hours contracts and a smaller manufacturing sector things can be very hard. It seems to me that you need a lot of luck to succeed. 6 years ago I recruited one of my best colleagues from the stable, she was working as a groom but wanted to change after having a child. She has bags of common sense, good language skills and is a hard worker, but she says herself that without having luck that I needed someone in the company at that moment she would have taken a job in a shop. Nothing wrong with that, but she would be earning less than 25% of what she earns today.

 

[Pmf27]

Going to uni is absolutely huge, because it's so unlike anything most of us have ever done before.

I graduated a few years back, but I still remember the sadness on the day that my mum dropped me off. She was driving home along the motorway in tears and I wasn't much better!

Apologies if this has already been suggested, but one thing that could help is joining a riding society. This is one of the best things about uni, all the societies! My advice to a fresher is to join one, I waited until the end of my second year and, as a result, everyone had already 'gelled' and it just wasn't easy to get involved with.

Uni riding societies will often compete at varsity or other competitions, so definitely worth a look and will also give you your horsey fix when you're missing your own.

Best of luck with it all, I'm sure you'll have a blast!

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Just think of it in the way that you are attending uni to improve your chances of getting those top salaries, which mean you can go part time or retire early and do whatever it is you like with your horses for the rest of your life.
Short term pain for long term gain.
You'll be alright, it's normal to feel how you're feeling but once you're there and settled you'll get into the swing of things, and if you do hate it there is no pressure to stay - there are many other avenues to a successful future.

 

[SEL]

Thank you for the kind words. With everyone calling me brave, lucky, smart, I started to feel awful. I didn’t get the grades I aimed for (AAB instead of AAA*- even though my offer was ABB) and felt bad about that. Then I Got over that and I don’t know, it hit me properly; I’m leaving the horse who I poured my soul into as a dumb teen, before school took over. The horse I worked with until he wasn’t a danger anymore. The horse who got me through the darkest time in my youth. For five years I’ve worried that my hard work will relapse and come undone- whenever we’ve had a regression, the heartbreak tore me apart as I pieced him back together. I don’t know- it just mounts up. I was so focused on fixing my best friend and keeping him whole that I didn’t see the end of the road sneak up on us like this.

Sometimes other people mean well without realising how much their supposed kind words are stressing you out.

Just remember if it doesn't work out then there is always another road to go down. Give yourself time to settle in and allow yourself to be homesick. If you are still feeling that way at the end of the term then that's the time for a re-think about whether you've chosen the right path.

Join the Uni riding club. Even if you don't want to ride during the week its nice to find some like minded people. When I was in my 3rd year at Uni we had a lovely and very, very homesick 1st year join. We persuaded her to come along to one of the combined training trials and she rode beautifully - no replacement for her horse at home but getting on random RS ponies was a fair distraction!

Above all allow yourself to feel nervous, scared, excited and all those other emotions. Its normal and its ok

 

[My_breadbagel]

I am sorry to say this but you are incredibly privileged and I think possibly not appreciating how lucky you are.

1. You have two horses. Most young people cannot afford one horse let alone two especially young people who are not working.
2. You have a place at a top university that many people could only dream of attending. This will look good on your CV and give a step up the career ladder that many young people will not get.
3. You do not have to sell your horses in order to attend university.
4. Your university is near enough for you to return every weekend to see your horses.
5. During the week you can concentrate on your studies and if you want socialise without having to worry about trying to fit this around looking after your horses.
6. University holidays are very long and this will give you months to spend with your horses uninterrupted.

Yes you might feel a bit homesick at first but many people would love to have the opportunities you have.

My pony was sold went to university I was in tears it was awful but I meet some amazing friends at uni who I have had great times with over the last 32 years and who have supported me during difficult times.

I didn't have the funds to get another horse until I was 35. After owning him for 15 years I had to have him put down aged 20 I was devastated you still have your two horses I don't even have one at the moment.

Really your life is not so bad think about all the positives in your life.

I’m sorry that was your experience, but that doesn’t make my journey feel any easier. As much as I am very incredibly lucky (and so incredibly grateful- hence why I’m in such a state), I worked incredibly hard both on my horse and academically. I’m very aware of how lucky I’ve been, and I don’t take it lightly, but I’m also leaving behind my both my ridden horse and rescue, so I’m also aware of the impact it will have on them.

 

[My_breadbagel]

Just think of it in the way that you are attending uni to improve your chances of getting those top salaries, which mean you can go part time or retire early and do whatever it is you like with your horses for the rest of your life.
Short term pain for long term gain.
You'll be alright, it's normal to feel how you're feeling but once you're there and settled you'll get into the swing of things, and if you do hate it there is no pressure to stay - there are many other avenues to a successful future.

Thank you for the nice outlook, I really love it! The reason I’m going to uni is so I can’t always provide for my existing two, and have a comfortable life, as well as pursuing both of my greatest passions- I love your outlook, I think I’ll pursue that too!

 

[My_breadbagel]

You’ll get through it.

this might sound weird, but you’re also allowed to be miserable! Don’t overdo it with putting pressure on yourself to make it the best time ever. If it’s just getting through the week to see your horses at the weekend that’s fine, if you find you’re enjoying it and want to miss the odd weekend day to see your friends that’s fine too! University is a great opportunity, you’ll learn lots and hopefully make lots of new friends, but it’s also ok if that isn’t your experience.

I say this as someone who not too many years ago, was in a similar-ish situation to you (except I was halfway up the country so it was a 5-6hr journey to come home on the train, so wasn’t doable every weekend). Put so much pressure on myself to enjoy it, and make myself someone I wasn’t that I ended up entirely miserable and suicidal.

Eventually stopped trying to force myself into “typical” uni life, encountered some more like minded people and started enjoying it more. I didn’t love it like some people do, but I did enjoy my last few years, and I needed it to do the job I so desperately wanted. I graduated 3 years ago, I love the job I do and am fairly happy with my life, and am so relieved I stuck it out.

Thank you- I’ll remember that. I’m so focused on being happy that I’m making myself unhappy- I should just focus on getting through it to start with, and hopefully the rest will come

 

[My_breadbagel]

My daughter chose a uni that she could take her horse to

I wish I could have, but both of my horses are so happy on our own yard- let alone the cheap rent which I can’t pass up on!

 

[Barton Bounty]

Thank you- I’ll remember that. I’m so focused on being happy that I’m making myself unhappy- I should just focus on getting through it to start with, and hopefully the rest will come

Listen, your situation is only temporary, your going to suffer temporarily to better yourself! Look at how quick these last three years have gone! It will be over before you know it . There are lots of uni breaks between to give you time to enjoy your pony ?

 

[cobgoblin]

You're just a bit torn in two. One the one hand you have the home and horses that you love, and on the other the big unknown that is university.
When you settle in at college and make some friends everything will fall into balance. You can take the best from both worlds no problem.

 

[rosiesowner]

Hello OP. I'm about to start my final year of uni. I began in 2020 and retired Chills as the timing was right. She went to someone her owner knew and I suddenly went from her being my entire life to simply uni and my part-time job. The combination of not seeing her, commuting to uni then doing it online, meeting nobody, feeling lonely and struggling to make friends made me SO miserable. I really wondered why I had bothered doing it and came close to giving up.

BUT just over a year ago, Chill returned to her owner's place, I've been able to see her whenever and just hang out with her. I have also made some fantastic friends I am living with this year. This is all to say, the change will probably be very uncomfortable and feel awful. You're going to have to get used to so many different things. However, it will become your new normal. Give it a few months and you'll be able to get into a good routine.

I'd say maybe for freshers week don't go home at the weekend. However, after that depending on how much of a party town your uni is in, there'll be plenty of chance for nights out and socialising over the week days. Who knows, you may make some friends who'll want to come to your place to meet your horses.

Coming from someone who is now 24, please don't let this stop you from enjoying uni as much as you can and completing your degree. One of my biggest regrets is taking the slightly longer route in education as I really deprived myself of a lot of opportunities, which I am having to make up for now. Though of course, if you are struggling, you should speak to someone.

Best wishes. Enjoy these last few weeks of summer and let yourself be EXCITED about what is to come.

 

[rosiesowner]

You're just a bit torn in two. One the one hand you have the home and horses that you love, and on the other the big unknown that is university.
When you settle in at college and make some friends everything will fall into balance. You can take the best from both worlds no problem.

Cobgoblin managing to say, very succinctly, what I was trying to!

 

[My_breadbagel]

Hello OP. I'm about to start my final year of uni. I began in 2020 and retired Chills as the timing was right. She went to someone her owner knew and I suddenly went from her being my entire life to simply uni and my part-time job. The combination of not seeing her, commuting to uni then doing it online, meeting nobody, feeling lonely and struggling to make friends made me SO miserable. I really wondered why I had bothered doing it and came close to giving up.

BUT just over a year ago, Chill returned to her owner's place, I've been able to see her whenever and just hang out with her. I have also made some fantastic friends I am living with this year. This is all to say, the change will probably be very uncomfortable and feel awful. You're going to have to get used to so many different things. However, it will become your new normal. Give it a few months and you'll be able to get into a good routine.

I'd say maybe for freshers week don't go home at the weekend. However, after that depending on how much of a party town your uni is in, there'll be plenty of chance for nights out and socialising over the week days. Who knows, you may make some friends who'll want to come to your place to meet your horses.

Coming from someone who is now 24, please don't let this stop you from enjoying uni as much as you can and completing your degree. One of my biggest regrets is taking the slightly longer route in education as I really deprived myself of a lot of opportunities, which I am having to make up for now. Though of course, if you are struggling, you should speak to someone.

Best wishes. Enjoy these last few weeks of summer and let yourself be EXCITED about what is to come.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience- it helps so much, and I’m so happy for you and Chill! What did you study at uni?

 

[My_breadbagel]

Listen, your situation is only temporary, your going to suffer temporarily to better yourself! Look at how quick these last three years have gone! It will be over before you know it . There are lots of uni breaks between to give you time to enjoy your pony ?

When I saw how little I’d be there- 12 weeks, a month off, 12 more weeks, a month off, 6 weeks, then summer, I was thrilled ? I suppose I’ll just miss out on the let down that autumn always it, and the sugar rush in early spring ?

 

[Barton Bounty]

When I saw how little I’d be there- 12 weeks, a month off, 12 more weeks, a month off, 6 weeks, then summer, I was thrilled ? I suppose I’ll just miss out on the let down that autumn always it, and the sugar rush in early spring ?

It will fly in .. ?

 

[Annagain]

I only went to uni an hour down the road and even so close to home I was terrified. I soon realised everybody was though and that helped a lot.

My horse was on loan but stayed at the yard we'd been at for a few years with a younger teenager. I was full of coming home at least every other weekend to ride and see him and had prepared his loaner for this. As it happened, I was having such a great time (and knew he was being cared for) that I didn't come home until Christmas. Then at Christmas I was so busy catching up with old school friends, going out and working at the local pub to fund it all I barely rode. I still loved him dearly (and had him back after uni until he died when we were both 27) but my priorities had changed at that point in time (they changed again after uni when he was my escape from a very responsible for my young age job and became a huge part of my world again). Uni was brilliant - the only time in my life I had no responsibility to anyone or anything other than myself. I wouldn't have changed that for the world.

 

[Mary3050]

I went through this last year and I'm here to tell you that there's plenty of ways to get involved at uni with horses and as you've said you'll be coming home to ride.

From your twos experiences and what my friends daughter is going through deciding what to do with her horse. I really think there should be a site where uni students can find other students wanting a part loan for there horse . My friends daughter would love if she could find another uni student who wanted to ride her horse a few day a week , not at weekends or in the holidays would make you feel more at home having a horse to ride a few days !

OP what university are you going to ?

 

[rosiesowner]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience- it helps so much, and I’m so happy for you and Chill! What did you study at uni?

No problem. I study psychology with a focus on counselling, hoping to move on to postgrad to open a few more doors jobs wise.
I'm sure you'll be moving very soon. Best of luck and ENJOY. You'll never have another time in your life with such adult freedom but little adult responsibility. Make the most of it, try new things, it'll be over before you know it. xx