Will have to sell my horse - Major life changes

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Fruddy

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This is awful news and I'm sitting here crying as I type this, but I really don't think I have any alternative but to sell my beloved pony.

My 18 year marriage has been going though a bad patch for a very long time, and without going into too many details, the essential "spark" that makes a marriage work has been missing now for the best part of five years. Despite a romantic holiday to the Gambia at the end of November, nothing has improved, and I now seriously feel that I need to move on and build a new life for myself whilst I am still young enough to do so. Nothing has been agreed or discussed as yet, but I know that Lee is as miserable as I am, we don't communicate, and our sex life is absolutely non-existent, so I've got to be strong about this. My mum (who's dead now) always used to say "Life is not a Dress Rehearsal" - we only have one shot at it, and I can't in all honesty imagine living this miserable existence for another 30 years or so (im 37). If this goes on much longer, one of us will end up having an affair and then we will just end up hating each other and I want to try and avoid that, for Gemma's sake (my 15 year old daughter).

The heartbreaking thing about my decision is Banjo. There is absolutely no way on earth that I will be able to afford to keep him on full livery and support Gemma and myself independently of Lee. I earn a good salary, but my livery bills are very expensive and he is a luxury that I am not going to be able to afford to keep. I know that Lee will be financially responsible for Gemma's maintenance, but even with this, I cannot afford to keep him, when we divorce. I have a sharer, but I still will be unable to continue with his upkeep, plus the fact that for a while I won't have a car, so won't even be able to get to the yard, which is 15 miles away from where I live. I work very long, erratic hours, so putting him on diy really isn't an option for me. I have thought about full loaning him, but he has some health problems - he's an ex-laminitic and has ringbone, so I don't know successful this course of action would be. He's 13 years old.

This is the end of my whole life as I know it. I know that I have to be strong - everyone of my friends has told me that I WILL come out of it the other side and things will get better, but I can see that I am going to have a very difficult and heartbreaking few months ahead of me, all said and done.

I'm going to have to rely on my on-line friends on different forums to help me though this, as a lot of my friends are also Lee's friends, so it won't be easy for me to be open and honest about this, plus the fact that I will be the one instigating the breakup, so I may well also lose some of them too.

Sorry for the depressing post.
 
I do think there is a potential loan home out there, as long as you are open about the problems your horse has. I would hesitate to sell as you can't be sure that future owners would have an awareness of them.

You may find though that other solutions present themselves, it is early days yet to be leaping into courses of action.
 
What a sad post,sorry you are considering this.I have been married for 35 years and life is not the same as it was years ago but companionship is worth a lot.Sorry you have grown apart.
Your pony is not going to be easy to sell with its health problems .I hope you decide to go down the loan option or you and your sharer can work something out.
Good luck
 
dont lose hope. You will get through it, you will manage in many ways, go for the loan option before doing anything drastic just be sure on a good loan home.

I swore my affidavit at the court yesterday for my divorce in my musto hat smelling of horse wee and my wellies, it gave me great satisfaction as my ex hated horses!!!

You are right and "life is not a rehearsal" is a major motto of mine too. You know you are doing the right thing, stay strong and PM me if you need to vent xxx

Meant to also say that since going through that, 3 years ago met my current wonderful man who is lots younger than me and lovely, a horse lover and brilliant in every way. I never thought I'd be so happy, EVER, its not worth living a miserable existence life is too short.
 
Sorry to hear life isn't all rosy. Don't make any hasty decisions regarding your husband or your horse.
He's not going to be easy to loan or sell with his problems, the horse that is, so bide your time and see how you can manage.
As for Lee, talk to him and then talk some more. You never know, he may be happy to have a sexless marriage. If you don't despise him and still have love for him, then definitely ask him how he feels.
 
I was sat where you are about 18 months ago, the world had stopped spinning and I could see no way out.

My divorce is very very nearly finished and the one thing I thought would go was my horse and my daughters pony but there are still ours and yes we have had to make cut backs, down to one lesson a month not going to as many shows etc but we are just about keeping heads above water. We will not have a hoilday this year so my daugter can go to camp. My parents help out instead of giving her pocket money she has a new pair of boots or a rug.

I am on diy so a lot cheeper but dont give up keep hold of your horse for as long as you can things have a funny way of working themselfs out. You dont know whats around the corner or who may turn up in your life and want a horse just like yours on loan.

Keep your chin up and smile then the ex never knows what you are up to and always talk to your daughter about things she will understand more that you think and thank you for treating her like a grown up
 
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Sorry to hear life isn't all rosy. Don't make any hasty decisions regarding your husband or your horse.
He's not going to be easy to loan or sell with his problems, the horse that is, so bide your time and see how you can manage.
As for Lee, talk to him and then talk some more. You never know, he may be happy to have a sexless marriage. If you don't despise him and still have love for him, then definitely ask him how he feels.

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Quirky, whilst it may be that Lee is entirely happy in a sexless marriage, I'm not. I can't go on living my life like this much longer, because sooner or later I am going to end up having an affair and I really don't want to deceive him in this way. Plus which I'd be absolutely useless - I'm a hopeless liar and the sneaking around would drive me mad.

I love Lee very much, but i'm sorry to say that these days we are almost like brother and sister who share a house and this isn't enough for me anymore. Of course I don't despise him - but I am trying to think about the best future for the both of us, before we end up not being able to speak to each other civilly. We have a daughter to consider.
 
Hi, I don't think you should make any decisions just yet. Yes, it's a very sad situation you are in and I really feel for you. You and I are the same age and my husband and I have been together for 18 years but I consider myself extremely lucky because I still love him and he I very very much.

For you, you need to make one decision at a time. Can you not do a search and see if there are any places closer to you where your pony can go? Are there any farmers or stables near you?

I think you are doing the right thing in ending your relationship if it is dead, there really is no point in staying together just for the sake of it because you only get one go at this life and you need to be happy.

I'm sure I am not alone in saying that if you need someone to talk to, there are plenty of ears that are willing to listen.

Take care and stay strong, am thinking of you.xx
 
Fruddy, it seems terrible that you would have to sell your beloved pony. Try and get another sharer for the interim. If you had two sharers I am sure you could work something out. I am always reading about people needing sharers so maybe put an ad up at your yard and local papers etc.Maybe your sharer could suggest someone or take over more responsibility for you for a while. I am sure you'll be able to sort something out without resorting to selling him (which like a few people have said might not be easy). Someone might need a companion though? There are lots of options for him without selling, where are you?
 
If its the sex side and closeness that has gone then talk to him,he may be tired ,sounds like you both are.Have one weekend a month to yourselves .Spice things up ,get some help .
It is a VERY big decision you are making on here and if you are considering your daughter first then REALLY take your time .She is at an age where it really affects them [well it always does]
Work at it ,you still have feelings for him and that should be enough to relight the fire.
He may have medical problems that he doesn't want to talk about, try hard to sort things out ,it doesn't sound too late
 
I'm sorry to hear that you're having to consider this - it might be helpful to do a full statement of affairs to work out all your incoming and outgoings so you have the full financial picture from which to make a decision. There may well be other things you can cut back on that are less important to you than your horse.

Take time to consider all the possibilities - other yards, cheaper livery options, another sharer, possible loan etc.

All the same, it may well be incredibly difficult to juggle so many balls at such a stressful time. You're going through a period of change, but that doesn't necessarily mean for the worse.

It will be heartbreaking if you have to sell him, but who knows what things will be like further down the line. Maybe when things are more settled you could look into loaning a horse.

Is your daughter horsey at all? (intersts, not looks
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Whatever you do, don't make any rash decisions.
 
I am sorry to hear your news. I have just gone through a split with my husband, your age and can level with you. I managed to get a job with a company car and find a farmers field with stables to rent, this all took time but can be done.

I think you have to decide what you are going to cope with first and work down the list. I sorted out job, new place for horse, put house up for sale, then split with husband.

If you can remain friends for your daughters sake and work together on splitting up in a reasonable manner it helps so much. I appreciate this is'nt always possible and mine turned very sour at the end.

When you look at the whole picture, its mind recking and you just dont know which way to turn. If you could split everything into smaller sections, write down your objectives and then solutions will come.

Good luck, we are all here for you.
 
Thanks to everyone for their replies and your advice and encouragement.

This isn't a problem that has just emerged however, things haven't been right for a very very long time, starting with our sex life suffering initially about five years ago. That in itself isn't necessarily an insurmountable problem, I agree, but we have talked endlessly and tried to find ways in which we can recover the closeness that we once had, but it just isn't there any more. It's not all one sided - Lee has admitted to me that his feelings have also changed - whilst he loves me, he doesn't desire me any more, there is no physical attraction there any more, which makes me feel very unfeminine, despite attempts to rekindle the flames, it just hasn't happened. to be blunt, and I do apologise if the following comment offends anyone, but when we do have sex now, which is very very occasionally, the last time was in October, it is totally soulless, and very much "going through the motions."

I know that Gemma is at a vulnerable age but she is actually suffering more, I think, at the moment living in a house where there is so much unhappiness and tension. She actually said to me the other evening, unprompted, that if her dad and I were so unhappy, why didn't we go our separate ways.
 
Tears for you all,hope you can find a nice loan home.Someone on here maybe able to help but you will need to give an area where you live for someone to offer help.Think you pony may be difficult to sell but I wish you health and happiness in your life.
xx
 
Hi I am with The_Carthorse here .....
I would have been married 32 years this year and I think you should think so very very deeply about splitting from your Husband as you will never ever forget him, and indeed with a child then that complicates things even more ..... I have always said that unless you hate them or they are horrible to you then it really is worth trying .... and things can work out
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... this sounds a bit confusing but believe me try and stick with it, after all this time, if you still love each other
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You still haven't got in touch.......

Please don't pass him on then find you could have held onto him after all. He needs careful looking after. Are you sure you could find someone to take over and ensure his health issues are kept under control? I just might know someone he'd suit even shortish term. Just don't be hasty.
 
No one can tell you whether to stay or whether to go. We do not know your situation - nor his - and none of us can see the future for you.

However, you mention repeatedly how close you are and how much you care for each other. This does not mean you are meant to stay married (or together or however you want to define the terms) but it does - or should - mean you do not wish each other unhappiness. Yes, many relationships end "badly", in acrimony and unforgivable behaviour, but it doesn't HAVE to be that way. Especially if you both agree at the outset that circumstances have changed but the two of you are not now different people, all of a sudden enemies. Not to offend anyone (I don't know anyone else's situation so cannot judge) but people giving you advice from unpleasant situations may not be giving you the best advice for YOU. In some cases it might be necessary to hide things or take an adversarial stance but nothing you say suggests that's your situation right now. Please try and deal with this person you still love openly and honestly, for all your sakes.

You will have many difficult, sad conversations ahead. (Even if you do, by some stretch, decide in the end to stay together.) You will need to talk about all the things that are important to you and those conversations have to include your horse. Okay, you may not be able to keep things exactly as they are. You MAY have to sacrifice. But from what you say it's not a forgone conclusion that you have to be a martyr. People do divorce and keep their horses. Just because some people are not that lucky doesn't mean you aren't or don't deserve to be. Surely your husband knows how important the horse is to you? I understand that you cannot expect him to pay towards it but are you sure HE wants you to simply get rid of it. (I'm not being rude, I'm just changing the terminology for effect.) Are you sure that's what your daughter wants? This situation affects ALL of you and it might seem "right" for you to give things up but perhaps it's not essential? And even if it is it must be discussed - you are not in a position to make unilateral decisions which affect all of you. (Yes, I know the horse is yours but any conditions of separation affect all three of you.)

People only know what you tell them. Hard conversations are wretched and scary but often they are the only way forward and, as you say, denying them only puts off the inevitable.

Talk. Be honest. Tell both your husband and your daughter that your horse is important - not MORE important than they are - just important to you. Let them help you find a solution. Or at least peace with your decision. I'm not saying this is easy - easiest would be for you to just decide - but it is FAIR. On you and on them. Look for options.

Good luck in all of this. Maybe you will find a road that works for you - it can happen. Keep moving forward but don't try to guess the future, it will come soon enough.
 
I do feel for you, having been there myself. You are making life-changing decisions, so take your time. Only you and and your husband know about your marriage and daughters are extremely resilient (I have one myself) and as long as you include her in any decision-making, I am sure she will come through it. As regards to Banjo, I really wouldn't sell him - keep him on DIY if you can (horses don't care if they don't have luxiourious surroundings), or put him out on loan for a year or so. Once you have come through this difficult time, you might well want him back and get really involved with horses again, or you might well decide that you want to go off in another direction, but don't do anything hasty. I took things one day at a time, there were good days and bad days but it wasn't long before the good days outnumbered the bad days. I have been with my new partner 15 years, we have been married for 5 and I now have 2 grandchildren. Things have a habit of working out and life really is too short to be unhappy.
 
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Put the horse on DIY - perfectly affordable.

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She has already addressed that -

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have a sharer, but I still will be unable to continue with his upkeep, plus the fact that for a while I won't have a car, so won't even be able to get to the yard, which is 15 miles away from where I live. I work very long, erratic hours, so putting him on diy really isn't an option for me.

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Or were you thinking of a way around that?
 
Most DIY yards do assisted livery - so they will bring the horse in or put it out for you if necessary.

She has a sharer who presumably contributes financially and physically.

A car costs pennies.

As a woman with kids separated from her husband she may well ultimately be better off financially than she was before - with all the state handouts she could get, plus the maintenance her husband will have to pay for her, and quite probably the mortgage too.

Just a bit sick of reading these types of posts to be honest.
 
A multitude of sympathies. I can see your dilema but I have to say I think I'd be going for a loan option as if things turn out better than you expected in 6 months or so you would at least then have the option of taking him back. And also if he has such severe health concerns you have a duty to ensure he is well looked after.

I hope you find a workable solution.
 
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Just a bit sick of reading these types of posts to be honest.

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Don't then, just let it pass you by ....

Some people maybe can't/won't speak to somebody face to face and feel supported by fellow online users.

Did you hear the story behind the woman's body found on the M3? Well maybe if she'd had somebody, allbeit strangers to reach out to .... just maybe it need not have come to that.
 
Having been and with still with my hubby of 25 yrs, i understand where your coming from, all i can say is if its come to that, why not try a trial seperation, to see if it is really what you both want, you would be throwing away a lifetime of memories and what sounds like alot of happiness..yes it helps if the marrige is good in all ways, including the bedroom, but life doesnt work like that, the bedroom is usually the first place to go..but what you are left with is a trustworthy companion, if you leave the marriage because of the bedroom, yes the next one will be thrilling for a while, bu it will soon wear off, it always does..i think before i ended it id be inclined to maybe try sex therapy as a couple to try and spark a bit of life, and then try a trial seperation.. im not being judgemental honest...just think that there is alot more in a marriage than what goes on in the bedroom, is it worth throwing it all away.. maybe for a guy thats great in the bedroom, but hits you, or you cant talk too..ect..
 
I really do feel for your situation - I was where you are 2 years ago.

I didn't have children so the decision was alot easier but I too was in a marriage with no intimacy and just so miserable!

End of the day I'm sure you'll make the best decision by your child and yourself - at the end of the day, no matter how harsh it sounds a horse is a horse is a horse!

There are ways around keeping him if that's what you really want...
 
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Some people maybe can't/won't speak to somebody face to face and feel supported by fellow online users.

Did you hear the story behind the woman's body found on the M3? Well maybe if she'd had somebody, allbeit strangers to reach out to .... just maybe it need not have come to that.

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I don't believe this situation is the same.
 
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I don't believe this situation is the same.

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Very probably not but a liitle understanding of a fellow human's emotions wouldn't go amiss.

Try it sometime, you might surprise yourself
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My ex husband and I split up 13 years ago, it wasn't a considered decision (well not on my part) it came as a bolt from the blue. Had 2 children aged 6 years and 18 months at the time. Please do not make any hasty decisions re your pony, I would try and find another sharer. Whilst my standard of living dropped considerably I managed to keep my animals (easier for me as I have a bit of land at home).
As you and your husband are obviously able to talk I would really discuss the financial situation with him. Also try and keep your daughter fully aware of whats going on, it is going to be hard for her I am sure. Another reason perhaps to keep the pony if he is part of her life too.
Sending you hugs, I really do feel for you.
 
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