WWYD- coming back after a nasty accident

[Moodymare88]

Hi All,

So i find myself facing quite a huge dilemma. I have had my mare who will be 7 this year from an unhandled 3 year old, she was professionally backed at 4 (came home just before the first lockdown!). In January 2021, i unfortunately suffered a nasty accident when i was leading her and she reared and bucked and kicked me in my right eye...resulting in several fractures around my eye socket (one nearly severed my optic nerve), sinus and cheekbone. Lots of visits to the hospital and 2 weeks after i was admitted for surgery to have a plate inserted to repair my cheekbone.

Whilst this was going on, my instructor at the time kept her in work for me for 8 weeks and then i gradually got back into riding. Hacking has always been something my mare has been anxious about, she is brilliant in traffic but can get anxious, panic and spin (i used to manage this and still do if needed by jumping off and leading her past whatever scared her and then get back on). Last summer we had some lovely hacks and i thought we had cracked it.

In the summer we were really flying over 85 cm courses but then we had issues where she kept doing dirty stops and i would come off, eventually knocking my confidence to the point i had stopped jumping her for now. I suffer with PTSD, depression and anxiety due to the accident which i am still trying to work through using everything i can think of as i don't want to give up yet. Generally, she is really well behaved, she is a lovely mare and we have done so much together.

i have come up with a plan as i want to event, where my instructor is going to jump her and school her once a week and continue to do a few competitions to get her going, so hopefully when i am ready i can take the reins back, but i will still be in the saddle as much as possible (she is also a mindset coach as well).

Unfortunately, yesterday i tried to take her for a short hack to the end of the road and back (something she has done loads of times around one of the fields we can ride on) and something freaked her out, she panicked, i tried to regain control to jump off and she bolted home, resulting in me coming off and landing on the road.

A lot of people are telling me to sell her which i know makes sense, but i don't want to admit defeat and give up. We generally have a good relationship, it is just a couple of things we need to iron out and i think this time of year they are all a bit sharp and fresh! She is only fed a balancer and chaff which hasn't changed in years!

HAs anyone experienced something similar and been able to carry on with some professional help with the same horse? My head is saying one thing and my heart another. I think because of what i am currently working through, i don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it.

 

[Tarragon]

Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you!
I haven't experienced anything like this, so cannot advise.
If you don't have anyone, like partner, who is telling you not to risk it, and it is really just up to you, then I would trust your gut instinct. You will need nerves of steel and true determination to succeed, and be prepared to spend time getting there, for this to work. So yes, it could work out for you... but you have to be sure you want to try!

 

[Moodymare88]

Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you!
I haven't experienced anything like this, so cannot advise.
If you don't have anyone, like partner, who is telling you not to risk it, and it is really just up to you, then I would trust your gut instinct. You will need nerves of steel and true determination to succeed, and be prepared to spend time getting there, for this to work. So yes, it could work out for you... but you have to be sure you want to try!

Thank you. It really is a hard decision as i feel like i want to do everything i can to try, even working with my instructor to take the pressure off me a bit. I do need to make a decision this year though really as to what i am going to do. My other mare wasn't easy by any means, but then i didn't suffer any nasty accidents or trauma with her either and that was over 11 years ago, my confidence and self belief has taken huge knocks. It is tricky coming up to a jump when you are having flashbacks as well...even on my friends horse i was having lessons on a few weeks ago to builid my confidence.

 

[paddi22]

The older I get the more I realize that if things are complicated in my life, then I need my horses to be simple. Horse ownership is supposed to be enjoyable, and if you have a lot going on in your life, then having horses as a relaxing outlet is a wonderful thing. But if you are trying to get over a traumatic event, then retraumatising yourself every time you get on your horse isn't a good thing for you (or the horse). and some horses can't handle tension in a rider.

It's awful hearing the phrase 'admit defeat' with anything. it's not a defeat a lot of the time. there is nothing wrong with a relationship ending, what's worse is to keep going with both parties unhappy. It's not defeat to say 'i tried my best but this is just not the best match for either me or this horse'.

it's a tough decision to make, but you have to silence your ego and pride, temporarily forgot about the time you've invested or what potential you view, and sit and be honest with yourself and ask yourself do you actually enjoy riding the horse? there are plenty of horses out there that you can hack safely and have fun eventing on without needing a professional to school for you. at the end of a day, you have to take care of yourself and enjoy yourself.

 

[Slightlyconfused]

Has she had a work up with a good vet, physio and saddle fitter?

If she has been back professionally and you have had her her entire ridden life i would suggest that you see if there is any pain response first.

And then i would take things right back to basics.

Hows her confidence? This also seems like she hasn't got much confidence and only knows how to "react" rather than.think about it. So i would recomend some good ground work for both of you that focuses on confidence and spooking/worrying. TRT Method or a natural horsemanship trainer who deals with moving of the horses feet and teaching a "settle".

If you get the right ground work teacher it can also be done from the saddle.

What area are you in?

Someone might be able to recommend someone.

 

[Abacus]

I don't have a precisely similar example, but have certainly had horses that worried me and knocked my confidence. Of these (offhand I can think of four that were spooky, tense or didn't really match me in wanting to do the same things I did, like jumping) I have only persisted with one, and he did come good. As you are doing, I used a good rider to keep working him and he did improve with age. Fundamentally he was a thoroughly good nice horse, but very spooky. But he didn't have me off many times, and no bad accidents. The other tricky horses, I chose weren't worth risking myself over, and sold them honestly to good homes. One was pts for physical issue which were certainly related to his behaviour.

One thing that helped me, then and now, was also having my beloved old horse (now 25) who is saintly, and he has restored my confidence whenever I have needed it. I know that I can get on him and relax, and so ride as well as I am capable of without fear or tension, which does to an extent transfer when I then get back on the more difficult one.

I feel for you. My overall inclination, and it's always easier from a distance, is to suggest that you don't risk further injury with her - as well as further diminishing your own confidence each time something happens. It's also so frustrating to spend a lot of time managing behaviour when you really want to be cracking on with training and improving. But, this is easy for others to say and you obviously have a deep bond with her which you may feel is worth the persistence.

 

[Moodymare88]

Has she had a work up with a good vet, physio and saddle fitter?

If she has been back professionally and you have had her her entire ridden life i would suggest that you see if there is any pain response first.

And then i would take things right back to basics.

Hows her confidence? This also seems like she hasn't got much confidence and only knows how to "react" rather than.think about it. So i would recomend some good ground work for both of you that focuses on confidence and spooking/worrying. TRT Method or a natural horsemanship trainer who deals with moving of the horses feet and teaching a "settle".

If you get the right ground work teacher it can also be done from the saddle.

What area are you in?

Someone might be able to recommend someone.

Yes she has. She had her hormones and ovaries scanned last year and was on Regumate due to a hormonal imbalance and we are going to re-test. She has regular saddle fitter, osteo and physio etc. I have also had a groundwork person come out to help with the hacking...lets just say that she tried to have me trotting away from home, my mare had a panic mode and i ended up jumping off and she said in hindsight she shouldn't have made me do that!

 

[Slightlyconfused]

Yes she has. She had her hormones and ovaries scanned last year and was on Regumate due to a hormonal imbalance and we are going to re-test. She has regular saddle fitter, osteo and physio etc. I have also had a groundwork person come out to help with the hacking...lets just say that she tried to have me trotting away from home, my mare had a panic mode and i ended up jumping off and she said in hindsight she shouldn't have made me do that!

Nope, that was a crap groundwork person.

I mean someone like Mia Rodley - Heart of Horsemanship, Sean Coleman, Jason Webb.

Those trained western but with a different spin on it.

My sister has lessons with Mia and its been brilliant for her worries 7 yr old. He was having issues being confident leading and settling to stressors after having a huge emotional upheaving and moving yards twice in a month. He was backed using the TRT Method and Mia just helped see and do things from a slightly different view that suited him and compliemented the TRT.

My sisters horse has completely lost his confidence hacking since he moved here a year ago so she just backed off riding him.out and got his foundations settled and we will go bavk to hacking in the spring. He just does in hand walks or ride and lead. Or i ride mine and she leads hers. Takes the stress off etc

 

[paddi22]

we get horses surrendered here and a lot of them are very stressed hot reactive types. slightlyconfused's advice about groundwork is a great one. at the moment it sounds like you and the mare are feeding off each other negatively due to tension. a break from riding and doing proper inhand groundwork and long-lining etc could really help break the cycle of tension. trt and strightness training do online courses, and there's a ton of books and online videos to help.

for any dangerous hot horses we get in, we just take steps backwards and find a base situation where both me and the horse are happy and working well. even if it's only carrot stretches and massage or stuff from something like the kelly marks perfect manner books. then you slowly increase the interactions you do and broaden it out to inhand. the most important concept is that you both are starting to interact in that work with no pressure, and relaxed. and then slowly a % at a time build on what you are doing.

 

[Nicnac]

Honestly? Sell her. You have now had two issues, the first horrendous and the second could have been worse. If you already have PTSD and depression from the first incident that, coupled with anxiety, don't make for a harmonious relationship with a sensitive flight animal. You are not admitting defeat. You and she just aren't on the same page for whatever reason and it doesn't matter what that reason is. Life is too short and horses too expensive to spend time with one who isn't going to make you happy, relaxed and smiley at all (well almost all) times.

How much more money are you going to plough into her to maybe not get what you want at the end of it? Sorry if these words offend you but a close family member experienced something very similar and both that person and said horse are doing brilliantly, just not together.

 

[Fransurrey]

I agree with Paddi, using the words 'admit defeat' doesn't really apply, here. Two things jump out for me:

1) You are not the same person who bought this mare. 100 % understandable that you are more cautious/anxious/worried. You'd have more than a screw loose if you didn't feel that way. However, what this means for you both is that the partnership isn't the same as if you hadn't had such a nasty accident. Your needs have changed to something that will GIVE you confidence, not suck it out of you.

2) Whilst she sounds talented, she also sounds anxious. Firstly, that's not an ideal combination if you're also anxious and secondly, she doesn't sound like she'll ever enjoy hacking.

Nowhere near the same level, but my own mare was very anxious out hacking. After a number of accidents that killed my confidence, I found that I was getting off more than riding due to what ifs. I retired her and we are both much happier for it!! I still ride my other horse, but the anxiety is more manageable.

In a nutshell, I would either full loan to someone who isn't bothered about hacking, or put her up for sale. You could focus on groundwork for now, or even try a new lower stress (ha!) discipline, like Trec.

 

[AmyMay]

You’re not admitting defeat. Not every horse suits every rider.

You’ve had a few lucky escapes, next time you may not be so lucky.

Sell.

 

[Bionic Boy]

If you do want to sell her it is not admitting defeat it is recognising you are not right for each other. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Ambers Echo]

Fear arises when we combine an awareness of danger with lack of confidence in our ability to deal with it leading to a sense of vulnerability.

Pros might ride very tricky horses - but they have confidence in their skills. So they can manage the danger effectively.

Confidence/mindset is relevant if you overestimate the danger, underestimate your ability or both. Ie the fear is irrational or exaggerated.

Your fear is not irrational. Your horse can behave in very dangerous ways at times, and at those times, you don’t have the skills to manage her. So you are genuinely vulnerable. Fear, in that context - is helpful. There isn’t a
mindset coach in the world who could (or even should) try to help you ‘overcome’ that fear.

This horse isn’t right for you right now. With lots of input from others perhaps she can come right in the end. But is it worth the risks involved in finding out?

Only you can decide what to do but agreeing this is not a good match is not a ‘defeat’, it’s a recognition that riding is risky at the best of times, and stacking the odds in your favour with a suitable horse is plain common sense.

Really sorry you’re going through this.

 

[PeterNatt]

My advice would be to sell her and find yourself a nice safe horse horse that you are happy to ride in all situations and will not put you in to any danger.

 

[Goldenstar]

In this follow your head not you heart .
I really liked my little chestnut he was fun to train and a lovely size not soon after I got him he bucked me off in the school jumping forgave him that and learnt not to jump him to fresh .
A year passed and he bucked again when a horse spooked in a field as I jumped a course right at the end of a jumping lesson and I was being a bit slack off I came .
I broke my hip .
Came back from that got going and he took a naughty buck as I went forward to trot in the field no excuse , that was it I sold him to a pro I know the next day.
He was not the right horse for me at my stage in life he bucked with the pro too I felt better after that .
No matter how much you love them if they are wrong for you they are not the one .
It’s your sixth sense telling you to get out while you are still ahead no good comes of not listening to it .

 

[eahotson]

The older I get the more I realize that if things are complicated in my life, then I need my horses to be simple. Horse ownership is supposed to be enjoyable, and if you have a lot going on in your life, then having horses as a relaxing outlet is a wonderful thing. But if you are trying to get over a traumatic event, then retraumatising yourself every time you get on your horse isn't a good thing for you (or the horse). and some horses can't handle tension in a rider.

It's awful hearing the phrase 'admit defeat' with anything. it's not a defeat a lot of the time. there is nothing wrong with a relationship ending, what's worse is to keep going with both parties unhappy. It's not defeat to say 'i tried my best but this is just not the best match for either me or this horse'.

it's a tough decision to make, but you have to silence your ego and pride, temporarily forgot about the time you've invested or what potential you view, and sit and be honest with yourself and ask yourself do you actually enjoy riding the horse? there are plenty of horses out there that you can hack safely and have fun eventing on without needing a professional to school for you. at the end of a day, you have to take care of yourself and enjoy yourself.

That 100%

 

[Green Bean]

On my return to horses after a 24 year gap, I bought a 7yo KWPN that I adored. However, she systematically broke my confidence after breaking my collarbone and badly bruising my SI joint. These were 'I meant to get you off' moments. Reluctantly, I sold her and bought another mare. My confidence was in reasonable tatters, but not having gone through as much as you. New mare was a right royal challenge, BUT, she did not make me nervous. We would argue, sure, but we went on a trip together to see how we could be a good fit. Although I didn't do the traditional groundwork others have mentioned, I spent a lot of time hand grazing her, grooming her, talking to her, sitting in her stable while she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder and we bonded incredibly well. However, this is relevant to you only if you can find your inner peace with your horse. Otherwise, I would do what I did with my first horse and find a right fit for her with someone else. There is no shame in realising that she can be all she can be with someone else

 

[Winters100]

I really feel for you, and I am sorry about the situation that you find yourself in. Paddy 22 sums it up very well - "horse ownership is supposed to be enjoyable".

No one can tell you what you should do, as every situation is different, but for what it is worth I can tell you my experience of a similar situation. I had a wonderful and talented horse, kept on a yard with a full time pro who rode him 6 days a week if I was not riding, and trained with me if I was. The problem was that the horse was just sharper than I liked, and with me not suited to hacking as he would constantly spook and spin. I had an accident, but was determined to get back to riding him after, which I did for about a year, but never felt really confident on the horse. Finally I had a serious accident, at which point I asked the pro to sell him. He went to a very confident owner, a more skilled rider than me, who I told everything, good and bad. When I contacted him some weeks later he told me that the horse was great, and that he thought I had exaggerated his spookiness - in his words the horse was 'great in the forest, just not always the bravest'. Basically the message that the horse was getting from me was 'yes, it is scary, be on high alert' while the message he got from the new owner was 'nothing to see here, stop being such a big silly'.

I do understand what you say about feeling that it is admitting defeat, but really it is not. It is putting the best interests of both the horse and yourself first, above any emotional response that you might feel. There is absolutely no shame in recognising that you and a horse are not a good match, even if you once were, and finding a good new home for them where they can be really appreciated.

For me selling was the right decision. Once I was recovered from my accident I mentioned to the buyer that I was considering riding again and looking for a new horse. He had a schoolmistress, who he had said that he would never sell, but he was happy to sell her to me. I remember being almost frozen with fear when I first got up after a year off riding, but he was such a kind man, told me to take her for 2 months, and then either return her or keep her. This horse is a saint. Carried me safely every day and did not put a foot wrong while she rebuilt my confidence. She is no plod, responsive and always ready, but always gives exactly what you ask for. I have since gone on to buy 2 more, they are more powerful than my schoolmistress, but I would never have got to enjoying these without having a schoolmistress to get my confidence back.

Confidence is a funny thing, but it can be rebuilt. Only you can say if it is possible for you to rebuild confidence with this horse, but you should know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with making changes if things are not working.

I really do wish you good luck with this, whatever you decide.

Edited to add that keeping my 3 now costs the same as it used to cost to keep 1 who needed so much input from the pro!

 

[eahotson]

My advice would be to sell her and find yourself a nice safe horse horse that you are happy to ride in all situations and will not put you in to any danger.

Very good advice.

 

[Sealine]

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. It sounds tough but I would echo what others have said above. Over the years I've seen a few friends (and an instructor) struggling with horses and damaging their confidence. One friend persisted until years later she had the horse PTS (unrelated to their issues) but the others sold and moved on. All of them were so much happier with the right horse. The friend who persisted for years has changed beyond recognition now she has the right horse. She is not only a more confident rider but a happier and more confident person. Never forget it's a hobby and it's supposed to be fun.

 

[maya2008]

I think the two of you are perhaps not the best fit. The accident was horrendous, and however much you love her, your instincts are now NOT to trust her. So try as you might, you have underlying nerves, which she then picks up on and feeds off.

Horses are meant to be fun. Loan her if you cannot bear to sell, or sell to a nice competition home so you can both get over your fears. Find yourself a horse you feel safe on and around, one you can trust.

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

I had a similar but not quite so serious incident to you that I am still recovering from over 2 year later. I am still waiting on back surgery that cant be done until both hips are replaced and my recently broken arm is fixed. Mine was an the ground accident too, putting one very big strapping 17.3 horse out and I think my mare who was in the field at the gateway actually lunged at him, resulting in them both charging over me and ending up unconscious in a heap in the middle of the yard. I still cant remember exactly what happened, but it isn't important in the grand scheme of things.

I had only had my big handsome horse less than two years he was my horse of a lifetime that was my 70th birthday present to myself. Luckily the lovely young lady I bought him off took him back to look after him for me until I was fit to ride again, but it soon became apparent that would be at least 2 years. I still want to ride again, he was as safe as any horse I have ever owned to ride and bomb proof with even heavy farm machinery on narrow lanes. However when I went to visit him I found myself feeling very, very nervous standing next to him and it slowly dawned on me I would probably never have the nerve to happily handle a big horse like him again. My nerve with him had gone he could be rude when handled and I was always very firm with him, he got away with nothing, but I had bags of confidence and it was never an issue before the accident. But I recognised my new lack of handling confidence with a big opinionated horse like him would only end badly, he would pick up on that and would push the boundaries and I do not have the strength or confidence left to deal with that sadly.

I still feel a bit shaky even now when I use that gateway into one of the fields, so avoid it if possible, even when just my old mare and the donkeys are being brought in and out. Luckily his ex owner was happy to buy him back of me but it still broke my heart as he was such a joy to ride and so safe. But as so many others have said we are supposed to enjoy this crazy hobby and life is too short wasted on even the most beautiful horse if neither of us is the right fit. So, if I am ever able to ride again I shall be hunting for a shorter, less stroppy version of the big chap and hopefully get back to enjoying the riding and the handling as I did before the accident.

I would definitely sell if I were you. I am assuming you are probably a lot younger than me. Find something to regain your confidence and start to enjoy many more years of happy stress free riding and ownership.

 

[eahotson]

I had a similar but not quite so serious incident to you that I am still recovering from over 2 year later. I am still waiting on back surgery that cant be done until both hips are replaced and my recently broken arm is fixed. Mine was an the ground accident too, putting one very big strapping 17.3 horse out and I think my mare who was in the field at the gateway actually lunged at him, resulting in them both charging over me and ending up unconscious in a heap in the middle of the yard. I still cant remember exactly what happened, but it isn't important in the grand scheme of things.

I had only had my big handsome horse less than two years he was my horse of a lifetime that was my 70th birthday present to myself. Luckily the lovely young lady I bought him off took him back to look after him for me until I was fit to ride again, but it soon became apparent that would be at least 2 years. I still want to ride again, he was as safe as any horse I have ever owned to ride and bomb proof with even heavy farm machinery on narrow lanes. However when I went to visit him I found myself feeling very, very nervous standing next to him and it slowly dawned on me I would probably never have the nerve to happily handle a big horse like him again. My nerve with him had gone he could be rude when handled and I was always very firm with him, he got away with nothing, but I had bags of confidence and it was never an issue before the accident. But I recognised my new lack of handling confidence with a big opinionated horse like him would only end badly, he would pick up on that and would push the boundaries and I do not have the strength or confidence left to deal with that sadly.

I still feel a bit shaky even now when I use that gateway into one of the fields, so avoid it if possible, even when just my old mare and the donkeys are being brought in and out. Luckily his ex owner was happy to buy him back of me but it still broke my heart as he was such a joy to ride and so safe. But as so many others have said we are supposed to enjoy this crazy hobby and life is too short wasted on even the most beautiful horse if neither of us is the right fit. So, if I am ever able to ride again I shall be hunting for a shorter, less stroppy version of the big chap and hopefully get back to enjoying the riding and the handling as I did before the accident.

I would definitely sell if I were you. I am assuming you are probably a lot younger than me. Find something to regain your confidence and start to enjoy many more years of happy stress free riding and ownership.

Good advice.

 

[mustardsmum]

I think that when people come onto this forum with stories like yours, its because deep down they know what they need to do and it helps to hear others who have been through similar. I think I have said before, I kept an unsuitable horse for four years because I did not want to admit defeat. But its not about defeat. Its about acknowledging what is right for you and the horse; and that may not be the same thing. I too had an awful accident, hospitalised and off work for months. That time is wasnt even his fault, but when I got back on my horse after the accident and I knew, he had to go. He took every ounce of my confidence and he knew. He went back to his old owner who luckily was happy to take him back. He is the only horse that hasn't stayed with our family until the end of his days. He is also the only horse I did not shed a tear for when he went, nor have I ever missed him. That sounds harsh but he took four years of my life and drained my confidence to a level where I thought I would just give up. Dont be me, riding is supposed to be fun and its ok to say this isnt working. Have a horse that makes you smile after every ride. Not one that makes you cry.

 

[irishdraft]

Sorry to hear this OP so upsetting & disappointing when this happens with horses, unfortunately an all to familiar situation for us equestrians. Even if the hacking issue was sorted it still sounds like the mare is a dirty stopper, I have had one of these and it eventually undermines your confidence & riding and once they have that in them it's extremely hard to get it out if them especially when under pressure as in a new place etc so if you really want to event you do need a reliable jumper so for that alone you probably need to move her on xx

 

[LeneHorse]

I had a very similar accident to yours just over a year ago. My horse got a fright coming in from the field and knocked me over then caught me in the face with a back hoof as she took off. I also suffered a fractured eye socket and permanent damage to my right eye which thankfully could be corrected by a special lense in my glasses. I'm still in constant pain from the nerve damage around my eye.
So I can totally sympathise with you. I have definitely changed after the accident and am much more cautious about situations where I might get hurt again - such as bringing in time when they are all crowding around at the gate.

In my case the horse is elderly and I've had her 20 years and the accident was completely not her fault. Your situation sounds different and it sounds as if selling her would be the right thing for you to do, hard though it would be.

Hope you have now recovered physically from your accident, and maybe a different horse may help you recover your confidence too.

 

[Midlifecrisis]

I met someone once who said her horses read her mind and if she visualised being calm when being turned out or brought in..the horses were calm. If she wanted them to…errs..walk by bins without spooking they would..that sort of thing. So perhaps , even though you are dealing and coping with your loss of confidence your horse knows how you are really feeling and isn’t feeling confident in you…hence spooking and running. Maybe you are too tuned to one another and getting another with whom you have no “history” would be the way forward for you both.

 

[ycbm]

It's no more a failure or a defeat for you to sell this horse than it was for me to sell a wonderful cob who was too steady. Horses are supposed to be fun, and you and your horse are a mismatch. Sell her, buy another, put the smile back into your riding.
.

 

[LaurenBay]

Honestly I would sell. Sounds like she is a lovely Horse for the right person. But you are not the right person for her, nor she is the right Horse for you. Horses are supposed to be fun, life is too short to not enjoy them.