WWYD- coming back after a nasty accident

[vhf]

So sorry to hear this, you've clearly invested a huge amount of yourself in this mare.
First off, if you really, really want this mare to come right for you, give it all you've got. But, be aware it may take everything you have in terms of personal resilience and finance and still not succeed (or it may be a huge success story. Who knows). If that's what you want from your horsey life, then that's what you do.
Second off. You've invested a lot in this mare, so you've had an interesting journey, learned a load and and made some memories. So whatever happens next, it's not failure, giving up, or defeat. It's moving to the next phase.
Thirdly. Life is short. Horses are expensive. You owe it to yourself to enjoy your hobby. Do whatever makes that possible.
Fourthly. consider the horse as well as yourself it if helps. Will the horse ever be a happy horse doing what you want of her, with you? If deep down the answer is 'no', then you have to consider that in your plans. It's only fair. I recently made a tough decision along those lines, and rehomed one who was never going to be happy doing what I wanted, or me doing what she wanted. I was gutted in so many ways and there's been some compromising, but a few months on it's worked out for the best. I get pleasure from knowing she's finally happy in her work and have a new one to play with who will hopefully enjoy the things I want to do.
I wish you luck and good decision-making!

 

[Deleted member 163966]

I'm so sorry to hear about your accident, and am reading and following with interest, as I too have had a bump (not horse related, but bad enough) and am in a recovery, and in a similar position of having a lovely, but "opinionated" horse (yes, another mare) to deal with. The big decision about whether to get back on or not is one only you can make, but there is some great advice here and it has helped me enormously to read it in the light of my own experience. I hope it is helping you too OP.

I am coming to the conclusion that it is really is a matter of weighing up the potential risks or handling/riding a horse, against the benefits. This riding/horse ownership business is not something we have to do. It's a voluntary hobby and there are other things in life which can be just as much fun, just as fulfilling and just as exciting, without the associated risks of either injuring yourself all over again, or aggravating an existing injury. The points made above about the horse's future are also very valid.

I'm erring towards selling and retiring from ridden work but that's what works for me and my issues with a potential second injury (serious bump on the head!). You need to weigh everything up and do what is best for you and your horse: this is not admitting defeat, just being realistic about your own, and your horse's future.

 

[estela]

Sadly I would also suggest selling as I was in a similar situation years back and even with professional assistance it still didn't really work. It's not a failure, there will be somebody out there who will really suit your mare. I bought a lovely young horse after and have had so much fun with him and, as LaurenBay says, life is too short not to enjoy them. Plus you don't need any further injuries. Good luck and I hope you make a full recovery.

 

[Red-1]

Fear arises when we combine an awareness of danger with lack of confidence in our ability to deal with it leading to a sense of vulnerability.

Pros might ride very tricky horses - but they have confidence in their skills. So they can manage the danger effectively.

Confidence/mindset is relevant if you overestimate the danger, underestimate your ability or both. Ie the fear is irrational or exaggerated.

Your fear is not irrational. Your horse can behave in very dangerous ways at times, and at those times, you don’t have the skills to manage her. So you are genuinely vulnerable. Fear, in that context - is helpful. There isn’t a
mindset coach in the world who could (or even should) try to help you ‘overcome’ that fear.

This horse isn’t right for you right now. With lots of input from others perhaps she can come right in the end. But is it worth the risks involved in finding out?

Only you can decide what to do but agreeing this is not a good match is not a ‘defeat’, it’s a recognition that riding is risky at the best of times, and stacking the odds in your favour with a suitable horse is plain common sense.

Really sorry you’re going through this.

I like this post. I also like @Goldenstar 's (I think it was) who says you are not the person you were when you bought the horse. You have had a couple of bad experiences leading to PTSD and depression.

I have another perspective. I was hit from behind with a horse, by a drink driver. We went over the bonnet, through the windscreen and were tossed into the air. We went high, landed on the road and bounced down the road together. We were both injured, his were minor, mine a bit worse in that I couldn't stand and needed to be stretchered away, taped still.

6 weeks later though, we were both fit to ride. I had counselling, the man likened it to a car accident where he would recommend selling the car. I was angry about that, pointed out that it was an animal not a car and refused to sell.

The next summer we had a good event season. Completed BE Novice, for both out first times. There was nothing 'wrong' with either of us. But, I struggled to get over it, was very angry, had flashbacks.

I then had to sell, due to other life matters. 5 months later, I could buy again. The man was right, I had a happy time with a new youngster. The old horse had a lovely time with the new rider too, they went to BE Intermediate. He was right as the old horse triggered flashbacks, even though the accident wasn't his fault. The new horse did not.

Unfair. But true.

 

[oldie48]

I had a very bad accident cross country schooling, it was many years ago and the horse was very new to me. It took a lot of courage to get back on him but I knew the accident had been my fault, I had over checked him coming into a fence and then got in front of the movement so when he slammed the breaks on, he stopped and I didn't. I had him until he died aged 28 and although I had other horses, getting back on him was like putting on a pair of old slippers! However, basically I knew he was a safe predictable horse, it was me that had to learn to ride better. I don't think this is the case with your horse so my advice would be to sell, not because you are "giving up" but because you deserve to ride something that is confidence building, not confidence sapping. Good luck and I am sorry you've had such a horrible accident.

 

[Trouper]

You're dealing with a horrible situation and a legacy of two accidents. You can get all the help you can and spend hours of time working with the mare to try to re-build confidence in both of you but............

..............will you ever really trust her again? I think after what had happened to you it would be very difficult to really trust her not to react to a frightening situation if she met one.

It would not be admitting defeat but drawing a line under something which just has not worked out and which needs to change. Maybe another horse - a quiet gelding - would be the way to make a completely fresh start?