WWYD Husband doesn't want me to jump anymore

I just wish my husband was as concerned for my health. I has a fall out hunting last year and was knocked out. I phoned my husband asking him to come and drive the car and trailer home as I had concussion and felt awful. He was just leaving home to visit his boat and he didn't want to changes his plans so I called a friend. One friend drove us back to yard and sorted my horse then another friend drove me home and I got a taxi to A&E!

My worst ever accident I wasn't actually riding. I was found in horses field with a broken leg and severe concussion, not a mark on me and I have no memory of what happened. That time my husband did come to yard after YO called him and he came with me in the ambulance to A&E. Or so he tells me as I can't remember any of it.

Personally I think life is too short to avoid risks but I'm an adrenaline junkie with no children.
 
pennyturner said:
The problem I have with this kind of emotional manipulation is that it seems so very reasonable, but really, it is such a small step from 'i don't want you jumping', to 'I want you to get rid of the horse', or even 'I don't want you driving/travelling without me/going out on the town' etc. etc.
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No, that's a silly assumption.

OP does a high-risk sport with two very young children, and her husband obviously and naturally doesn't want her to get hurt. I can't think of anything more normal than that.
 
SpringArising said:
No, that's a silly assumption.

OP does a high-risk sport with two very young children, and her husband obviously and naturally doesn't want her to get hurt. I can't think of anything more normal than that.
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Why is this "naturally" ? I would agree it is natural for you to not want your partner to be injured however it should be natural to want to support your partner in their life choices. Not to use emotional blackmail to try and force them into changing their life to suit you.

As pennyturner said it is the top of a slippery slope.

I'd rather you didn't jump (after a minor injury) as next time you could be seriously injured.
I'd rather you didn't hack out, the traffic round here is just too dangerous, there was someone killed on the road.
I'd rather you didn't have the horse, there was someone killed just getting it in from the field.

Followed with we have two young children, what would we do if you were killed or seriously injured, means that if you refuse the request you can then have the comment "well if horses are more important then the children" thrown at you.
 
I think its a real shame if your husband puts you off and requests you stop doing something you really want to do. Where does it stop? I understand riding is dangerous, eventing probably more so but then if you fall off at home is he going to then ask you to stop riding full stop? My OH would rather I didnt ride / compete, but then he rides a motorbike so I dont see why I should stop my "dangerous" hobby when he wont stop his. I think this seems to happen quite a lot when kids are involved, sometimes the dad seems to think the mum is more important so she has to be ultra careful and not do anything remotely risky whereas he has a free pass to continue doing anything he wants. You have to live life still, kids IMO shouldn't stop that. Perhaps I sound selfish, but I dont see why mothers have to throw in the towel when they have kids. I would say Im more sensible in my choices of horses these days though, I mean I still have sharp, competition types and do back my own still but I wouldnt for example get on a known problem horse these days or have a dirty stopper or anything. Im lucky my horses are always sensible jumpers and none of them have any quirks. So I guess now I have a child (and one on the way) then I am more responsible these days in trying to minimise the risk.

If it were me, then Id be quiet about it for a while. He's probably just had a shock today and may well have chilled out about it given a few days.
 
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stormox said:
Personally I think you are more likely to get injured hacking out with all the idiot drivers around these days!! And I have just had a crasher of a fall in a stable yard when a plastic feed sack blew and got caught to my horses leg setting her off broncing!! (neither of us hurt and just a freak accident)..... Accidents can happen in any situation at any time, not just jumping.
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Exactly! I bet statistics would show that there are far more accidents just at home around horses than eventing for example. I know my biggest injuries and near-misses have happened at home.
 
Durhamchance said:
I had an accident this weekend. I ride for a friend and we were at our first ODE (UA) Everything was going fine until the cross country, when the pony seemed to have had enough and threw in a dirty stop halfway round. I came off into a solid table and I've broken my finger. We're looking into what's wrong with the pony, getting the checks done and having him tested for pssm, but that's another story.

My husband has asked me not to jump anymore. The accident has shook him up more than me and I guess it wasn't much fun for him and my friend to hear them requesting medics over the walkie talkie. I can't ride for a bit now anyway as my finger needs to stay in a splint, but I did have every intention of giving it another go, I'm working towards a personal goal of taking part in BE eventually.

He's put his request in a very emotive way, asking that I consider our young children, likening it to him going out and buying a motorbike for his commute to work. He doesn't want me to put myself in unnecessary risk. I appreciate his thoughts and can't argue with his logic I guess, but it means I've got to give up what I want to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do I just suck it up and learn to love dressage?
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Have to say I'm with your husband but not in a way that means you have to end all the fun. Worry about my husband every time he takes a long car journey or is ten mins longer than his usual walk out with the dogs and generally fret and hate him doing even simple things that come with risk. I'm murder and neurotic and know it but only because the worst thing that could happen it two police officers rock up at my front door asking to come in :(

He's not a horsey person although happily puts up with my love for them to a point but puts his foot down about me not going up to the farm in the dark / alone or riding out by myself and without letting him know.

He came with us to Burghley last year and was quite shook up when Paul Tapner fell cos we were just beside the jump and it was the first time my husband had ever seen a horse fall like that. Bothered him all day and he said later that's what he envisages every time he thinks I've gone gallivanting out on my own.

That's fair shout. I have my little neurotic ways and worries about him being injured or killed and he at least checks in and lets me know he's OK and puts up with me being a mental cow so I respect his little worries and wishes.
 
Mike007 said:
From another man , Is he for real ! A broken finger ! I usually get slated for lack of concern. (though fortunately it seems that no one has twigged that I always take time out to go with "A" for BE and xc schooling )
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Please don't underestimate a broken finger. My daughter broke her little finger yesterday when she "punched" her mare's neck saving herself when she put in a stop xc. She is cast up to her elbow and booked in for emergency surgery tomorrow to pin together what the doctor described as a bag of bones in her finger. She will be out of action and in plaster for 6 to 12 weeks depending on how if goes, with extensive physio after. It would probably have been better to have hit the deck and bounce along on her air jacket!
 
StableMum said:
Please don't underestimate a broken finger. My daughter broke her little finger yesterday when she "punched" her mare's neck saving herself when she put in a stop xc. She is cast up to her elbow and booked in for emergency surgery tomorrow to pin together what the doctor described as a bag of bones in her finger. She will be out of action and in plaster for 6 to 12 weeks depending on how if goes, with extensive physio after. It would probably have been better to have hit the deck and bounce along on her air jacket!
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Ditto this. I had a spiral fracture of my little finger. First on the operating list the next day, woke up in finger to elbow cast and had weeks of physio, took weeks before I was able to go through physio without being laid out because I was close to fainting. They may be little bones, buy by heck do they have an impact on what you're able to do.
 
Get a divorce with hubby and with the money buy another horse? :D

*joking, joking, joking!*

I haven't read all the comments but you mentioned he has a boat - that's dangerous too - so maybe have a frank discussion about why you love horses and riding and why it is so important for you.
 
i'd be tempted tyo google the amount of accidents that happen doing housework and print it out. I'd say i'd cut down jumping if I also cut down the dangers of hoovering, cooking and driving errands
 
I haven't read all the thread but I'm very surprised how many people are agreeing with your husband!! However you couch the concern its controlling. Bringing the children into it is worse!

If YOU are concerned for your health, bearing in mind all aspects like money/work, child care etc then fine do back off, BUT you are are married in sickness & health so its up to YOU to decide what risks to take, he doesn't like it then he doesn't have to be there. He should be supportive not controlling.

There's plenty of things that suck the joy out of life without voluntarily giving them up. I can't believe that a loving partner would even ask their OH to give up something they love, that gives joy to their life.

I know there's been a lot of joking about divorce, but I for one, wouldn't be able to stay with someone who tried to control me or influence my decisions and life.

I hope you get this sorted OP however you decide, softly bringing him round might be the easiest way, but the decision is yours to make and yours alone.
 
Counterpoint said:
I haven't read all the thread but I'm very surprised how many people are agreeing with your husband!! However you couch the concern its controlling. Bringing the children into it is worse!

I know there's been a lot of joking about divorce, but I for one, wouldn't be able to stay with someone who tried to control me or influence my decisions and life.

I hope you get this sorted OP however you decide, softly bringing him round might be the easiest way, but the decision is yours to make and yours alone.
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Seeing replies like this, and there have been others in a similar vein, makes me wonder why some folk get married. Marriage is a partnership, and a good partnership needs communication and a degree of compromise on both sides. I do not see anything 'controlling' about the scenario described by the OP.

OP's husband had just seen his wife catapulted into a fixed fence by a dirty stop. Similar falls can have tragic results (think Christopher Reeve). Understandably he was upset. However, some folk are getting full of self righteous indignation that he should dare to voice his concerns and to ask her, (ask her, not tell her), not to jump again.

By all means be a fiercely independent individual who answers to no one. But if you are in a long term partnership, especially if there are children invovlved, both sides should be prepared for some give and take.
 
My husband asked me to stop riding a livery's horse because I mentioned she had reared and flipped over backwards with a couple of people. She had never done anything wrong with me when I rode her. But he wasn't happy that I rode her again after I told him that, and so I didn't ride her again. Her owner was completely understanding. I do think that in a marriage, you should not do something which causes stress or worry to the other.
 
Oh bless him. Youre v precious to him and he is genuinely concerned that something worse may happen in future. You have to respect that. My husband rides a motorbike (not all the time) and I absolutely hate it with a passion ! whenever he rides it i tell him i love him and to be careful. he always reminds me that he is careful, but I always explain that it not his driving Im worried about - its just other people not seeing him and hitting him. Scares the bezeesus out of me. Saying that, I have never asked him to sell his bike as he loves it. I just have kittens when he is on it. The day he hangs up his helmet and gloves is the day that I will breathe a huge sigh of relief ! re the horses, I dont jump - I do dressage. But if i did jump and he asked me not to, I would understand and would look to reach a compromise.
 
It is fine for hubbie to say "I don't know how you do it it absolutely terrified me" and even in this instance "are you sure riding x's horse is the right thing to do" but to make the request in an emotive way to pressure the OP into doing something that they don't want to do is a slippery slope.

So the discussion is fine and a compromise is fine but to me the emotional argument and pressure is not. Being married and having children does not mean that you have to become just a wife and mother. Compromise is a two way street, so not jumping that particular horse again or at least until you have had chance to school it would be an acceptable request, but applying emotional pressure to stop jumping full stop is a sign of a marriage that is not a partnership anyway.
 
Despite being involved in some high risk sports my wife has never asked me to stop. I've never asked her not to do something either.
Only time we had a similar conversation was when our son was airlifted of a race track following a kart incident. She was adamant he wasn't going racing again. I had to point out that I had spent a week sleeping beside our daughters hospital bed following a riding accident and that if son had to stop due to risk then so did daughter. We agreed they should both carry on with their chosen sports.
The issue was, she understood horses and the risks. She didn't understand or have any involvement in Kart racing and so in her mind the danger was greater than reality. It is the imagined risk that has to be tackled in these situations rather than the actual risk.
 
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