WWYD - Livery personality problem

[Lissie2]

Ester are you diagnosed? I recieved ny AS diagnosis from the CLASS clinic in CAMBS. Everyone at my yard knows I have As. It's important(to me) that I tell people so that I'm never misconstrued. I get on well with people at my yard and they leave me alone. But one to one we all get on fine, I just can't do groups or chit chat and they all know that. But they are just as likely to ask me for, and return, yard duty favours. I guess I'm lucky x

 

[ester]

Yes, recentlyish. But as I managed 32 years pretending to be 'normal' and frankly doing a darn good job of it even if I do say so myself I don't feel everyone needs to know now as I haven't changed and the people that put up with me pre diagnosis will continue to do so and those that don't don't really matter anyway . I would rather keep it on a need to know basis at home, on the yard and at work at the moment. It has taking some getting my own head round let alone explaining it to others when I wasn't sure what my thoughts on it were. I've just come to realise why doing such a good job of it is pretty knackering and for me the only real importance is it's effect on my mental health which I am definitely not getting into with random people, it might scare them .

My YO knows as she is my landlady too and lives next door/we both live on the yard and needs to know not to worry too much if I don't make it into work or meltdown days etc it's easier for her to know than me have some one fussing. My good friend no the yard knows too because I know she would worry about me on dodgy days and I socialise with them off the yard/go to comedy shows etc so they know sitting at the edge is normal not moving in the interval around a throng of people is normal behaviour too and nothing to worry about and that being late for things is problematic. There is one other I might tell as box out hacking to random places together quite a bit and sometimes it would sort of come up in general chat.
I'm pretty tolerant of other people's quirks, I work in a very quirky environment so I guess I rather expect a bit of tolerance from other too. And seriously, who is bouncing and chatty before 7 am when we are all doing our horses anyway .

 

[Lissie2]

Similar. I was only diagnosed at 36 after finally admitting it to myself. Was a very hard shift x

 

[ester]

I guess in summary I am saying that it isn't a secret but it is my information to tell, I wouldn't want anyone else advising/warning or any of those other words some else without my explicit permission.

 

[indie1282]

I'm a reasonably friendly person ;-) and I will always say hello if someone is on the yard but if that person wasn't overly chatty back then it wouldn't bother me in the slightest! I go to see and spend time with my own horses but luckily my yard mates are all nice and we get along just fine.

If I thought that someone never spoke and was always quiet then I would just think that's how they are and wouldn't push to be chatty with them.

I would always help someone if they needed or asked for it though.

I livery B is actually the problem - SHE may be a bubbly person but that doesn't mean everyone else should be. We are all human beings at the end of the day and we all have our own personalities, habits, quirks and ways of doing things.

I mean if we were all the same......imagine how boring this forum would be!! :-D

 

[ester]

same if we all agreed

 

[KittenInTheTree]

I reckon that the YO needs to reassert her boundaries with the lot of them, tbh.

Stop allowing anyone to monopolise her time - never mind who or why.
Ban everyone on the yard from gossiping about/criticising one another - crack down heavily on anyone who flouts that rule.
Ignore anyone* pulling sad faces in the corner - it's a livery yard, not a nursery school.
Give the husband something productive to do - there's bound to be some sort of messy or heavy tasks needing done somewhere on the yard.

Once the YO has them all thoroughly cowed (use of blue pipe optional), she can finally relax with a nice glass of gin, and all will be well...or at least they won't risk pestering her again!

*Unless it's a horse pulling sad faces. Don't ignore that; it might be sick.

 

[JillA]

Similar. I was only diagnosed at 36 after finally admitting it to myself. Was a very hard shift x

How did you get a diagnosis? My livery's 30 something daughter clearly has problems empathising and relating to people, but her father refused to even consider something like autism, her mother is at a loss how to deal with her and I think a diagnosis would make all the difference. But where to start once she is out of the education system?

 

[Lissie2]

JillA it's a long answer!!! There's one online diagnostic test which is recognised by professionals as evidence. I think it's called The RAADs test. Do it, print results and take to GP along with evidence from life and family history. Know your facts. The GP will (possibly) refer you to your county's central Triage point for mental health. They did a phone interview with me then from that sent me three lengthy questionnaires which give an initial idea/screening. After they read those they referred me through to Autism Clinic for diagnostic tests. A day of interviews and tests, plus it's compulsory to provide a witness for your formative years who can say how you developed 0- 5 years. It needs to be provided in writing and possibly by phone. Was diagnosed on that day and a detailed report sent out after. All in all took about 6 months x

 

[Achinghips]

If livery A is effecting livery owners business, she needs to go, especially if she's bitching to the Yo and adding to her stress. That's not loyalty, it's arrogance.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

I reckon that the YO needs to reassert her boundaries with the lot of them, tbh.

Stop allowing anyone to monopolise her time - never mind who or why.
Ban everyone on the yard from gossiping about/criticising one another - crack down heavily on anyone who flouts that rule.
Ignore anyone* pulling sad faces in the corner - it's a livery yard, not a nursery school.
Give the husband something productive to do - there's bound to be some sort of messy or heavy tasks needing done somewhere on the yard.

Once the YO has them all thoroughly cowed (use of blue pipe optional), she can finally relax with a nice glass of gin, and all will be well...or at least they won't risk pestering her again!

*Unless it's a horse pulling sad faces. Don't ignore that; it might be sick.

^^^ This!!!

IMO and as a YO, give me every time a good loyal livery that's been on the yard since the year Dot and pays up sweetly and on time, even though she's a funny old stick and walks round the place with a face like a slapped arse; they're worth keeping on, preferable to a flippety-gibbet that's swanned in and only been there five minutes, stirs the pot so vigourously it overflows, demands this and that, upsets Livery A, and then flounces off.

Livery A sounds like she may have some degree of Autistic spectrum which may explain her behaviour: FFS so what, others need to get over themselves and live with whoever they have to rub shoulders with, be that livery yard, work, school, family or wherever.

Give OH a glass of Gin and tell him not to worry about the yard and go enjoy it........ better still encourage him to take up golf or summat??

 

[JillA]

JillA it's a long answer!!! There's one online diagnostic test which is recognised by professionals as evidence. I think it's called The RAADs test. Do it, print results and take to GP along with evidence from life and family history. Know your facts. The GP will (possibly) refer you to your county's central Triage point for mental health. They did a phone interview with me then from that sent me three lengthy questionnaires which give an initial idea/screening. After they read those they referred me through to Autism Clinic for diagnostic tests. A day of interviews and tests, plus it's compulsory to provide a witness for your formative years who can say how you developed 0- 5 years. It needs to be provided in writing and possibly by phone. Was diagnosed on that day and a detailed report sent out after. All in all took about 6 months x

THank you

 

[ester]

JillA mine occurred via a slightly different route, had contact with mental health services for 6/7 years, sent for yet another assessment as not right and normal help not 'sticking' and that person had a hunch (finally!) and referred me. Not all areas have adult diagnostics so sometimes you have to go out of area. It wasn't on my radar at all before that although my GP is lovely so am sure would have referred me if I had thought of it.
Forms sent out and filled out,
pre meeting to check you roughly might fit.
2 diagnostic interview (DISCO) meetings, one with my mum (as the important point is that it has to have been there forever and I was always a bit concerned that the anxiety would make me tick a lot of the boxes)
I also had an ADOS test with someone else which is tasked based.
Then a conclusions meeting.
it was 4 months post referral to first meeting and then we had a big gap until the diagnostics.

It seems to happen a bit differently in various ways. It isn't necessarily compulsory to have a witness from your younger years as obviously that isn't possible for everyone as we get older but it is preferred and they can just fill a form in rather than attend (although I think lots of things came up 'in converation' that wouldn't have done otherwise).

 

[JillA]

Thank you, I have passed both replies to her mother to pursue. Given the current state of mental health services it might prove to be challenging, and mother isn't as, shall we say, tenacious (aka bloody minded!!) as I would be.

 

[ester]

I think sometimes you have to suggest it to people for them to even consider it.
I spent 2 years with a fantastic therapist who didn't pick up on it (but was still fantastic IMO!) Having spoken to him more recently as I thought he might be interested he said that adult services were only really educated on it pretty recently, and he happened to miss that because he was dealing with substance abusers at the time. So I think unless you come across someone who has an interest or experience in it, particularly in females, and particularly in adults it isn't likely to get picked up for what it is.
I don't think anyone who knows me in general life, even those with experience of it, would have considered it a possibility although when told a few can see it latterly. Turns out we can be very good at using intellect to work out how to act, thing is you rather presume everyone does it like that! and it isn't until that trips up that problems start to emerge.

 

[Lissie2]

Yes Ester not many can tell that I'm AsD. Managed for so many years without diagnosis that I learn to hide it/cope. On good days I'm chatty etc...if I'm tired then I can't act and that's when it really shows I.e. No eye contact, no conversation etc, unable to track.the meaning when people talk . I expect I can appear quite aloof and/or rude. My close family are a few friends are the only ones who know the true extent of it because at home I don't hide it.

 

[SO1]

These situations are tricky I have someone who works for me who is like this - a very hard worker, rarely makes mistakes, reliable and very competent but unfriendly, in that if someone says hallo in the morning she won't reply and we have now given up saying hallo to her. She looks and seems very miserable but when I have questioned her on this she says she is fine just like to be left on her own to do her job in peace and that she is different to everyone personality wise as she is a reserved private person. Because she never talks to anyone she is super efficient and always leave on time and rarely gets a backlog of work.

My colleague does make people feel that she does not like them, and to be honest she probably does not like us as she has nothing in common with us and it is hard for her to be in a situation where she feels very different to everyone else and that she does not fit in.

Could it be Livery A feels she is different from everyone else and does not fit in and this makes her feel insecure? It sounds like she is kind hearted though if she always comes to help when people really need it.

I think when new liveries arrive you just explain that Livery A has been at the yard for 10 years and looks after horse well and is kind hearted and has helped people in need but not a sociable extravert person and that if she does not say hallo or get involved in conversations then don't take it to heart. Possibly a bit of a chat with Livery to say you know she likes to keep herself to herself but by not saying hallo back to people it can make people upset. It may be that Livery A is a genuine kind person then she may not realise the impact her behaviour is having on others.