WWYD - moving from a friend's yard

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Ceridwen

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I've created a new userid for this question, just in case anyone who knows me reads this, forgive the paranoia but I really don't want to upset anyone!!

My horse is currently on full livery at a friend's yard, and my friend has been really good to both me and my horse. My friend is great, really helpful and generally a "good egg", and the other liveries at the yard are really nice people too; everyone helps each other out. I have no qualms in the usual sense whatsoever with my horse being there. BUT it's almost an hour's round trip for me to get there and back, and with working full-time (miles in the opposite direction to the yard) as well as having three children to take to and from school/nursery and generally look after, it means I can very rarely get up to the yard to see my horse. Additionally my horse isn't backed yet, my friend is due to start her backing in the spring, but this means my friend will be developing the bond with my horse that I should ... but I simply haven't got the time to get up to the yard often enough to have a hand in the process myself.

However. I've discovered that there is a small almost-private yard (following the discussions over "what is a private yard" yesterday :) ) literally 3 minutes from my door, with great facilities - floodlit school, really lovely airy stables, hacking straight onto a common, cameras in the stables!, great grazing - and what's more, it's owned by a parent that I know of from my daughter's school; we have several friends in common (it's a small school, everyone knows or knows of almost everyone!). I drive past her house/yard twice a day taking my daughter to and from school. It's perfect; I could pop into the stables at any time, as it's so close to home, and I could get a trainer in say once a week to help back my horse, while I can then carry on what the trainer does for the rest of the week in between the trainer coming out. I could go in every day with virtually no impact on family life because it's so close. Cost-wise it's actually slightly cheaper too, even though my friend had offered me what I thought was a really cheap deal, with the caveat that she could then use my horse for lessons, riding herself occasionally, etc once my horse is ready for riding. At the new yard nobody else would be riding my horse, but obviously I would then be close enough that I could ride, once she's ready, every day if I wanted to. I would then have the bond with my horse that I want, as I could be there as much as possible, even if just to groom, chat, give treats to etc, which I can't do at the moment.

I don't know what to do! The new yard is perfect, and the lady that owns it is lovely; but I also don't want to hurt my friend. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't HAVE a horse; I never intended to own one of my own, she rather talked me into it, and I'm glad she did. If I leave it might also make things a bit difficult financially for my friend, as she's struggled to get liveries in, and I know that two who have joined recently have also been on 'mate's rates' as they're friends of hers (also lovely people).

What would you all do?? I've been mulling this over for days, but I can't see the best answer.
 
If you move, are you experienced enough to back your horse with only occasional help?

If there are any doubts about that, I'd leave him with your friend for backing and reevaluate afterwards. ..

Fiona
 
blackhor2e said:
I think I would move, if you want to spend more time with your horse that seems to be the only way. All feelings aside.
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I agree - much as you don't want to upset your friend, you aren't keeping a horse *for her*, you are keeping it for YOU, so I would say the new yard appears to meet your needs far better. There's no need to fall out, if you just explained that the travelling time makes it really difficult for you then a good friend will understand your position.
 
Fiona said:
If you move, are you experienced enough to back your horse with only occasional help?

If there are any doubts about that, I'd leave him with your friend for backing and reevaluate afterwards. ..

Fiona
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I'm not, no, and I know it - but the trainer I'm thinking of is fairly local, and if she came out once a week every week, I'm hopeful I could just keep going with whatever we were working on for that week, IYSWIM. Also the lady who owns the yard IS experienced at backing, and she would help out if needed. There's also that I really want my horse backed bitless (no shouting, please :) ), and my friend won't do this, she will only back the traditional way. The trainer I'm thinking of is a specialist in backing horses with bitless methods.

But it's more that I want to be able to create a bond with my horse and as it stands, I'm lucky if I can get time to get up to the yard every couple of weeks, whereas at the closer yard, I could be there almost every day.

You do make a good point, though!
 
So long as, like Fiona said, you can back the horse yourself with the help of a professional I think I would move.

It's difficult when you're friends but the other yard sounds more suitable for your life at the moment. An hour is a long way if it's out of the way for everything else you need to do during the day (pick the kids up etc). A horse is for enjoying, if you don't have any time to spend with it then it's a very expensive accessory! And likelihood is, once you see your horse being ridden you'll want to do it more yourself.

You friend should understand that you have a busy life and want to spend more time with your horse.
 
I would be honest with your friend - that you are struggling with the distance from home to yard and you just want to spend more time with your horse. Thank her for the amazing care, and make it clear that it's just logistics affecting your decision. I would think that she may be sad to see you go, but I doubt her feelings would be hurt.
 
I'd just be honest with your friend & say that you've absolutely no criticism about the yard or her care, just that you've found dead a yard much closer to home allowing you to see and ride more.

As she's a friend, I'd probably get a leaving gift from you & the horse thinking her for her help, so you are 100% leaving on good terms :)
 
I'd move. Even if she did push you into getting the horse, the horse is yours and you need to be happy with the whole situation.
She might be a bit upset but you have a good reason to leave.
 
I have just been in exactly the same position as you... until 2 weeks ago. My horse was on full livery at a yard owned by someone I consider to be a good friend. She had been there for 5 yrs, it was a lovely yard with lovely liveries but it was a 45 min drive from my house, in the opposite direction from my office (45 mins drive in the opposite direction). Meaning I could only ride at weekends and I was relying on other people to keep my horse ticking over during the week.

It got to the point where I was so demotivated about riding that I didn't even want to go at the weekend. I decided I needed a big kick up the backside as I was on the verge of giving up - which I really didn't want to do, I have had my horse since she was a 2yr old and she is now 15.

So I decided to start looking for a yard locally and through word of mouth found a lovely yard 10mins drive away. I felt awful at the thought of moving her but I was just very open and honest about how I felt. I appreciated everything my friend had done for me and if I lived closer to the yard I wouldn't be moving. My friend understood completely and gave me her full support. She also said I would be welcome back anytime.

My horse has settled really well at the new yard and I go up and ride almost every day (work permitting!) and I have got a new found enjoyment reconnecting with my horse.

So I say go for it! :-)
 
I think the answer is easy here! Keeping your horse where it is means it's not really like having your own horse at all - move to the new yard and enjoy your own horse in the way you should or you would be better off just going to a riding school once a week and save yourself the time and money xx
 
wispagold said:
I have just been in exactly the same position as you... until 2 weeks ago. My horse was on full livery at a yard owned by someone I consider to be a good friend. She had been there for 5 yrs, it was a lovely yard with lovely liveries but it was a 45 min drive from my house, in the opposite direction from my office (45 mins drive in the opposite direction). Meaning I could only ride at weekends and I was relying on other people to keep my horse ticking over during the week.

It got to the point where I was so demotivated about riding that I didn't even want to go at the weekend. I decided I needed a big kick up the backside as I was on the verge of giving up - which I really didn't want to do, I have had my horse since she was a 2yr old and she is now 15.

So I decided to start looking for a yard locally and through word of mouth found a lovely yard 10mins drive away. I felt awful at the thought of moving her but I was just very open and honest about how I felt. I appreciated everything my friend had done for me and if I lived closer to the yard I wouldn't be moving. My friend understood completely and gave me her full support. She also said I would be welcome back anytime.

My horse has settled really well at the new yard and I go up and ride almost every day (work permitting!) and I have got a new found enjoyment reconnecting with my horse.

So I say go for it! :-)
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This is really great to hear, thanks - and thank you to everyone else for your encouraging comments. Would it make any difference to say that I've actually only had my horse since November, so she has only been on my friend's yard for just over 3 months ... it's another reason I feel bad about potentially moving her!!

(By the way, sorry for tardy replies; because this is a new userid, all replies from this account have to be moderated first :) )
 
I would move and explain why , and give a lovely leaving present.
Actually friend using my young , newly backed horse , to give other people lessons would be a big no for me.
Horses cost a lot to keep and you are not getting enough out of it at current yard.
 
After too much time spent on this forum I'm always slightly cynical of what I read so feel free to disregard my negativity but... How good a friend is this person to you? I suspect you are about to find out!
If they are a good friend they will be pleased that you have found a great new situation that works better for you, although you can understand them being disappointed that you'll be leaving them and not getting to spend as much time with you.
I can see what this person gets from the arrangement if they're not a great friend though: a horse to keep virtually as their own, to use as their own but paid for by someone else and being paid to look after it in exchange for occasional visits. As you were persuaded into having this horse and it is being set up as perfect for her to teach lessons on I'd wonder about how honourable her intentions were.
My only caveat to this is; are you sure you could manage to continue the education of a youngster with only weekly input from an instructor? What would you do if you had a lesson on a Saturday and a problem arose on the Sunday? Waiting a week to rectify it if you weren't sure of the best action could be detrimental.
Whatever you do, good luck!
 
abbijay said:
After too much time spent on this forum I'm always slightly cynical of what I read so feel free to disregard my negativity but... How good a friend is this person to you? I suspect you are about to find out!
If they are a good friend they will be pleased that you have found a great new situation that works better for you, although you can understand them being disappointed that you'll be leaving them and not getting to spend as much time with you.
I can see what this person gets from the arrangement if they're not a great friend though: a horse to keep virtually as their own, to use as their own but paid for by someone else and being paid to look after it in exchange for occasional visits. As you were persuaded into having this horse and it is being set up as perfect for her to teach lessons on I'd wonder about how honourable her intentions were.
My only caveat to this is; are you sure you could manage to continue the education of a youngster with only weekly input from an instructor? What would you do if you had a lesson on a Saturday and a problem arose on the Sunday? Waiting a week to rectify it if you weren't sure of the best action could be detrimental.
Whatever you do, good luck!
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Thanks .. I hope that this isn't the case; my horse isn't a youngster to begin with, she's almost 10, and my friend does have other horses she could use to teach on, although none the size of mine.

As to managing to continue the education with just weekly input, well to be honest, I've asked for the advice of the trainer I have in mind to see whether she thinks it's feasible. I'm not completely sure it's doable yet, but I'm hopeful, and just trying to work out all the angles in case it does turn out to be something I can do. But to be honest, even if I can't do it myself, even if I have to pay for someone else to come in more regularly to train my mare, at least I'd still be able to see her every day, interact, groom her, etc and build up that bond so that when she is ready, I'd be able to ride her and the bond already established. My hope though is that the two of us can learn together.

Definitely appreciate everybody's points of view though, thank you!
 
Very difficult - personally I would stay with your friend as you say - you are very happy there and that .... trust me is a very hard thing to find anywhere.

If you do decide to leave I would be very honest with your friend and very honest that you might come back!
 
I would sit down for coffee with you friend and very honestly say why you are going to move ,be positive and say you are looking forward to be able to start your horse your self .
Say you will miss her so much but the not having to do the long drive means you will able to use your more etc etc .
Then when you more buy her a really nice present and be sure to stay in touch .
If she's a nice friend it will be fine
 
From the description you've given us, I'm pretty sure you've made up your mind you want to move but don't want to upset your friend!

As long as you are able to give him the education he needs (and aren't currently running away with the fairytale of having him so close) then go for it.

I'm sure your friend will understand x
 
Ceridwen said:
I've created a new userid for this question, just in case anyone who knows me reads this, forgive the paranoia but I really don't want to upset anyone!!

My horse is currently on full livery at a friend's yard, and my friend has been really good to both me and my horse. My friend is great, really helpful and generally a "good egg", and the other liveries at the yard are really nice people too; everyone helps each other out. I have no qualms in the usual sense whatsoever with my horse being there. BUT it's almost an hour's round trip for me to get there and back, and with working full-time (miles in the opposite direction to the yard) as well as having three children to take to and from school/nursery and generally look after, it means I can very rarely get up to the yard to see my horse. Additionally my horse isn't backed yet, my friend is due to start her backing in the spring, but this means my friend will be developing the bond with my horse that I should ... but I simply haven't got the time to get up to the yard often enough to have a hand in the process myself.

However. I've discovered that there is a small almost-private yard (following the discussions over "what is a private yard" yesterday :) ) literally 3 minutes from my door, with great facilities - floodlit school, really lovely airy stables, hacking straight onto a common, cameras in the stables!, great grazing - and what's more, it's owned by a parent that I know of from my daughter's school; we have several friends in common (it's a small school, everyone knows or knows of almost everyone!). I drive past her house/yard twice a day taking my daughter to and from school. It's perfect; I could pop into the stables at any time, as it's so close to home, and I could get a trainer in say once a week to help back my horse, while I can then carry on what the trainer does for the rest of the week in between the trainer coming out. I could go in every day with virtually no impact on family life because it's so close. Cost-wise it's actually slightly cheaper too, even though my friend had offered me what I thought was a really cheap deal, with the caveat that she could then use my horse for lessons, riding herself occasionally, etc once my horse is ready for riding. At the new yard nobody else would be riding my horse, but obviously I would then be close enough that I could ride, once she's ready, every day if I wanted to. I would then have the bond with my horse that I want, as I could be there as much as possible, even if just to groom, chat, give treats to etc, which I can't do at the moment.

I don't know what to do! The new yard is perfect, and the lady that owns it is lovely; but I also don't want to hurt my friend. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't HAVE a horse; I never intended to own one of my own, she rather talked me into it, and I'm glad she did. If I leave it might also make things a bit difficult financially for my friend, as she's struggled to get liveries in, and I know that two who have joined recently have also been on 'mate's rates' as they're friends of hers (also lovely people).

What would you all do?? I've been mulling this over for days, but I can't see the best answer.
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The first thing I thought when I read this post was - gosh, this lady is expecting to do an awful lot with the few minutes she's going to save each day. Your post says that it takes almost an hour to do the round trip.So I'm taking that to mean almost an hour in total, there and back. How much time are you going to realistically save? 40? 45 minutes? That doesn't seem at lot. Could you groom, tack up, ride, untack, and put horse out/bed down in that time? I'm not convinced that you will be saving enough time to do all that you want. Think of this - your life (aside from horse stuff) will be exactly the same. You will still be working full time. You will still have 3 kids. Everything will be the same. You will just be acquiring an extra 40 - 45 minutes a day. Working full time and having a horse is hard. Working full time, having a horse, and having 3 kids is flippin near impossible! Will this new yard be able to supply full livery like your current one? With the backing thing - don't worry about any "bond" your horse may develop. It won't. Horses get sent away for starting for several weeks, all the time. They don't develop bonds. They (hopefully) learn to trust and respect their trainer, but that's all. The new yard sounds really nice, and very tempting. I can see why you're interested. But can they offer all that your current yard can? I do have to say though - I really would not like someone using my young, newly backed horse for lessons, and I'm surprised that your current YO would be suggesting that. I don't think you should be worrying about your friend's finances - if she chooses to charge mates rates to liveries, that's her problem - not yours. Tough decision this. It would have been easier if your horse was older and rideable. Whatever you decide - it has to be what is best for you, your horse, and your family.
 
Unlike most others, I would stay.

You are on a happy yard and your horse is happy (I assume). This is a rare thing not to be messed with!

A round trip of an hour isn't much. If the current one is a round trip of 20 mins, you're only saving 40 mins as someone pointed out. It's not really much and won't make a huge difference. Also, if you find a trainer to break in your horse, it's going to cost a LOT to get the same level of training that someone on site, your friend, could provide - I guess weigh up the costs and how well you think your friend will train your horse. You don't want to leave, only to end up having to send the horse away for breaking in after all.
 
I know on the face of it it doesn't seem a lot but there's a massive difference between a 20 minutes round trip and an hours round trip. I've done it and I wouldn't willingly go back to it.

If she's a real friend she'll understand but sometimes things like this are when you find out what people are really like.
 
Sussexbythesea said:
I know on the face of it it doesn't seem a lot but there's a massive difference between a 20 minutes round trip and an hours round trip. I've done it and I wouldn't willingly go back to it.

If she's a real friend she'll understand but sometimes things like this are when you find out what people are really like.
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Exactly this. It may not seem much, an extra hour in the day, but it's the difference to me of being able to go and see my horse, and not. Even if just to groom her, having that extra hour means I will be able to see her virtually every day, whereas as it stands at the moment, I'm lucky if I can get up to see her once every other week. I know it may not sound much of a deal, but it really is. It is an hour's round trip; if I want to pop in to see her on the way home from work, I can at the new yard - the new yard is literally 3 minutes away from my house - but I cannot where she is now. If I'm working at home, I can go spend a good hour plus with her, whereas where she is now, I can't, as it takes me that entire hour just to get there and back. The bond thing does concern me; where she is now, I can only go so infrequently, she won't know me from Adam. Being 3 minutes away, I can go in pretty much every day, so she will know me!

She would be on full livery exactly the same at the new yard, yes.

However, those who've pointed out that she (and I) are happy at the current yard, and this is priceless; you're not wrong, and it's also something to be considered. Although I'm not happy inasmuch as I can't see my horse very often!

Thank you everyone for the pros and cons, it's really helping!
 
Ceridwen said:
Exactly this. It may not seem much, an extra hour in the day, but it's the difference to me of being able to go and see my horse, and not. Even if just to groom her, having that extra hour means I will be able to see her virtually every day, whereas as it stands at the moment, I'm lucky if I can get up to see her once every other week. I know it may not sound much of a deal, but it really is. It is an hour's round trip; if I want to pop in to see her on the way home from work, I can at the new yard - the new yard is literally 3 minutes away from my house - but I cannot where she is now. If I'm working at home, I can go spend a good hour plus with her, whereas where she is now, I can't, as it takes me that entire hour just to get there and back. The bond thing does concern me; where she is now, I can only go so infrequently, she won't know me from Adam. Being 3 minutes away, I can go in pretty much every day, so she will know me!

She would be on full livery exactly the same at the new yard, yes.

However, those who've pointed out that she (and I) are happy at the current yard, and this is priceless; you're not wrong, and it's also something to be considered. Although I'm not happy inasmuch as I can't see my horse very often!

Thank you everyone for the pros and cons, it's really helping!
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I think it depends. I AM on a yard 35 minutes from home, and 30 minutes from work.

But for me it is the right yard, with the right turnout, care, hacking, and environment.

For ME this is worth the extract driving, and because I trust staff I don’t need to go everyday, and I am able to go as often as I can, but don’t need to go and provide the basics.

In an ideal world I’d have the life and work flexibility to be DIY and in an ideal world I’d have a really close yard.

But there aren’t that many yards with good turnout ALL YEAR, good 20x60 school, good, safe, varied hacking, safe facilities and good standards of care such that I don’t have to go every day.

I’ve found moving off DIY 15 minutes away, to part livery 35 minutes away to be giving me MORE time for riding.

But I don’t have children, and I appreciate you are moving from full livery to full livery.

I would do your homework to check new yard will be as good as you think.

Then I’d move.
 
Just be honest with yourself and your friend.

I think the move is what you want and would be better for you.

Even though you are friends you are still paying for a service so you have a right to cancel it with the correct notice.

Good luck, I know it's scary but you have to think of what's best for you and your family.
 
I could not be happy owning a horse I only saw once every two weeks unless it was at youngstock or retirement livery. Like abbijay I am wondering about your friends motives in persuading you to buy the horse. A better deal for you would be if your friend had your horse on full loan. With her paying for and carrying out all the care herself. It could be written into the loan contract that you would come up to ride once every two weeks. In your shoes I would move to the closer yard. You will find a way through any problems with the breaking in process I am sure :)
 
Ceridwen said:
Thanks .. I hope that this isn't the case; my horse isn't a youngster to begin with, she's almost 10, and my friend does have other horses she could use to teach on, although none the size of mine.

As to managing to continue the education with just weekly input, well to be honest, I've asked for the advice of the trainer I have in mind to see whether she thinks it's feasible. I'm not completely sure it's doable yet, but I'm hopeful, and just trying to work out all the angles in case it does turn out to be something I can do. But to be honest, even if I can't do it myself, even if I have to pay for someone else to come in more regularly to train my mare, at least I'd still be able to see her every day, interact, groom her, etc and build up that bond so that when she is ready, I'd be able to ride her and the bond already established. My hope though is that the two of us can learn together.

Definitely appreciate everybody's points of view though, thank you!
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Unbroken at nearly 10 what has she been doing? Is she an ex broodmare ?
 
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