Yard drama ,need some help!

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Woodendoor12

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Hi there! I’m honestly just posting this because I need to rant to people who aren’t biased and can maybe tell me if I’m being dramatic.

So I (16 ) have been riding at my current yard for a few years (Been riding for coming on 5 years ) and last October I was put on a horse in a lesson and subsequently fell in love with him . I suffer with extreme anxiety and because of that I missed a lot of school. The stables Were a safe space for me to go when things were bad . I started to take care of said horse and eventually started hacking him out with the yard owner . Come march time we went on a hack and he spooked badly at a large vehicle and wouldn’t go past . We went back to the yard and i haven’t hacked him since due to the yard owner and manager agreeing that he needs a break from hacking . I was still taking care of him and riding him in lessons . It was all going well and I was debating on asking the yard owner to loan him , but due to anxiety I kept on freezing up when about to ask . She had previously mentioned in passing to another staff member it would be a good idea for me to loan him.

My “friend” who rode with me in lessons , after months of me trying to pluck up the courage to ask, (supposedly) asked for me and the yard owner said yes . I ended up writing a letter to the yard owner asking myself just to show that i didn’t want to ask just through the “friend” and again debated on whether or not to slip it under her door for a few weeks . I eventually did but that next day there was some drama between me and “friend” (basically slightly more beginner was riding said horse , I opened up to “friend” about feeling worried about rider and horse and “friend” twisted what I said to make it seem like I was being rude about other rider) we eventually made up but then another few things happened between us that made us fall out completely. All of this time I was waiting for a proper answer from yard owner . I eventually just messaged the yard manager saying hey is horse up for loan she said no . And I just left it was that . I was obviously disappointed but still went back to the yard. Now in the meantime (ex) “friend” had got someone’s loan horse taken off them for reasons I won’t discuss here and has apparently been running around acting like she runs the place .

After being away on holiday for a while (and having to take a break due to anxiety reasons and just now not enjoying riding. ) I finally ended up riding horse for the first time in a month yesterday and for the first time felt like I actually enjoyed riding again since I got rejected. I discover that (ex)”friend”is now in the running to loan said horse. She’s only done flatwork on him and ridden him under 20-30 time whereas I have jumped ,hacked and done flatwork and properly taken care of him when I’m at the yard for the last 7 months .
Horse is over 16hh and strong to jump and she’s only 4,11-5ft and younger than me .

Theres a waiting list for loans as the yard and I’m on it apparently. I feel very very betrayed by the yard owner who up until I got into drama with (ex) “friend” seemed very keen for me to loan him. I just feel that (ex) “friend” swooped In when I was away and couldn’t ask again now that he’s supposedly up for loan again .
I’m just wondering why i haven’t been offered him when I’ve shown I’m capable with him and shown interest in loaning him in the past .

Also please don’t slate me in the comments, reading this back it sounds a little nutty and bitchy but I just needed to hear what people think 😭
 
It's okay to want to vent about it, I understand that it likely all feels very emotive.
I would take a step back, and look at the bigger picture. Yes you love this horse and you have put a lot into building a relationship with him, but there will be other horses in time and other horses you may get to loan one day, there are lots out there at all sorts of yards. So perhaps rather than get involved in whatever drama your friend may be up to, just take a step back and still say hello to the horse you really like but perhaps speak to your parents and see if you could put an advert on Facebook or something for a horse to share outside of the riding school? It may give you a new start and some more space to build a relationship with a horse where there isn't so much drama at play :)
 
Sorry you are struggling with your anxiety and MH. I'd just try bite the bullet and write down in a brief letter to the YO about how you feel about said horse and you'd be very keen to loan him. She can only say no again but if you maybe explain that you are young and weren't really sure how to approach the situation she may have a rethink.

You need to pick your friends better if they are willing to throw you under the bus like your friend has done. There are some mean and spiteful people in this world sadly but the issue is with them and not you. Stay strong.

Hope you get it sorted
 
Two very good lessons here, that "friend" is a snake, and you should just ask for what you want.

I also have problems with anxiety so I get it, but if you don't ask then you will miss out sometimes and that's just the balance we have to live with when we let the anxiety brain rule things. I wouldn't bother feeling betrayed by the yard owner, if you are on the waiting list you are on the waiting list. If you weren't on it as soon as you might have been because you let Snake handle things, then that just is what it is, yard owner won't have known your level of interest until you told her. If you feel like that hasn't already been made clear then make it clear now that you're interested.
 
smolmaus said:
Two very good lessons here, that "friend" is a snake, and you should just ask for what you want.

I also have problems with anxiety so I get it, but if you don't ask then you will miss out sometimes and that's just the balance we have to live with when we let the anxiety brain rule things. I wouldn't bother feeling betrayed by the yard owner, if you are on the waiting list you are on the waiting list. If you weren't on it as soon as you might have been because you let Snake handle things, then that just is what it is, yard owner won't have known your level of interest until you told her. If you feel like that hasn't already been made clear then make it clear now that you're interested
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(sorry still getting used to H&H layout idk why it wants me to reply twice)
smolmaus said:
Two very good lessons here, that "friend" is a snake, and you should just ask for what you want.

I also have problems with anxiety so I get it, but if you don't ask then you will miss out sometimes and that's just the balance we have to live with when we let the anxiety brain rule things. I wouldn't bother feeling betrayed by the yard owner, if you are on the waiting list you are on the waiting list. If you weren't on it as soon as you might have been because you let Snake handle things, then that just is what it is, yard owner won't have known your level of interest until you told her. If you feel like that hasn't already been made clear then make it clear now that you're interested.
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she does have her own issues but i wouldn’t call her a snake that’s quite harsh, she’s just a kid who’s still learning but unfortunately she causes a lot of drama around the yard and that pits a LOT of people against each other sadly. But I’m hoping within time she’ll grow to be a better person, for her own sake . I don’t hate her , but she needs to learn .

Honestly I’m not sure if the yard owner saying yes to her is true or not or if she’s saying to wind me up , she has a history of lying to upset people (another way she has hurt me in the past)
 
Woodendoor12 said:
(sorry still getting used to H&H layout idk why it wants me to reply twice)

she does have her own issues but i wouldn’t call her a snake that’s quite harsh, she’s just a kid who’s still learning but unfortunately she causes a lot of drama around the yard and that pits a LOT of people against each other sadly. But I’m hoping within time she’ll grow to be a better person, for her own sake . I don’t hate her , but she needs to learn .

Honestly I’m not sure if the yard owner saying yes to her is true or not or if she’s saying to wind me up , she has a history of lying to upset people (another way she has hurt me in the past)
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If I am being too harsh fair enough, but I wouldn't want to be involved either way. Sounds like a lot of hassle.
 
SEL said:
Could your parents speak to the YO about loaning the horse? Face to face can often help.
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Honestly I don’t want them involved, I’m luckily hopefully in a position (after summer ends) where I can pay for the loan myself . My parents are supportive in of the fact that that they are willing to pay for lessons and everything else that I need to ride . We did agree that if I was to loan I would need to pay myself, which I am very happy with , I think the responsibility of that is good for a teenager to learn (they have agreed to spot me if needed , but life lessons need to be learned with money)
Really I need to suck it up learn to speak for myself.
 
smolmaus said:
If I am being too harsh fair enough, but I wouldn't want to be involved either way. Sounds like a lot of hassle.
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Oh no you’re fine , but I need to keep a professional mind when it comes to her as I’m hopefully going to be doing an apprenticeship or starting a weekend job there. I’m a forgiving person and sometimes that comes to my detriment unfortunately.
 
smolmaus said:
If I am being too harsh fair enough, but I wouldn't want to be involved either way. Sounds like a lot of hassle.
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To be honest this was my first reaction too. A lot of livery yards and riding schools are glorified playgrounds filled with adults who should know better. But there are some lovely yards out there too, I would concentrate on finding a loan or share at a yard where you're not dealing with drama. Life is too short, and horses are supposed to be fun.

Woodendoor12 said:
Honestly I don’t want them involved
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Try thinking about it the other way. You've said you are 16 and I absolutely wouldn't consider loaning a horse to a child (sorry to be blunt) whose parents I had not met or who didn't appear to be fully on board and involved. I would want to know the parents were wholeheartedly around to supervise and supportive in terms of emotional support and financial support.
 
94lunagem said:
To be honest this was my first reaction too. A lot of livery yards and riding schools are glorified playgrounds filled with adults who should know better. But there are some lovely yards out there too, I would concentrate on finding a loan or share at a yard where you're not dealing with drama. Life is too short, and horses are supposed to be fun.


Try thinking about it the other way. You've said you are 16 and I absolutely wouldn't consider loaning a horse to a child (sorry to be blunt) whose parents I had not met or who didn't appear to be fully on board and involved. I would want to know the parents were wholeheartedly around to supervise and supportive in terms of emotional support and financial support.
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That’s true, I didn’t consider that, i probably didn’t explain well enough in my last reply , we agreed that I would pay but since I’m hopefully working there after the summer doing an apprenticeship there , the money would mostly be going to hopefully whatever horse comes up for loan or if I end up not doing the apprenticeship I’ve been offered a weekend job and my parents have agreed to pay for the loan if I don’t do the apprenticeship. It’s currently up in the air due to MH which I’m doing . I love that yard , they’ve done a lot for me and for the most part, everyone is lovely. The reason i want to loan there is because I have other (true) friends who I adore who loan there and the idea of loaning elsewhere honestly terrifies me 🤣 I don’t want to spend time building relationships with people when I have a large group of friends who are right there who I could hack with . Sorry for not properly explaining
 
Woodendoor12 said:
Sorry for not properly explaining
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You don't need to apologise :)

If you're certain this is the right yard for you and you definitely want to give loaning this particular horse another shot, I would still just have a further think about approaching the yard owner including your parents. To me (and hopefully the YO) this would show that you are coming at it from a mature, sensible and committed point of view, with the right support network in place given your age. And while I appreciate what you say regarding funding it yourself, I would also make sure you properly understand from the YO what costs you would be expected to pick up as the loaner. I've loaned out one of mine in the past and have paid for vets bills but the cost of hay, hard feed, shoeing, maintenance (dentist and physio etc) was the responsibility of his loan home. I'm assuming YO wouldn't ask you to pay livery?! If you haven't already, do some research as to what this costs and make sure you're comfortable your apprenticeship or weekend job covers what you'll need. Horses aren't cheap! I'm not intending to sound negative, but having been through having horses funded by my parents (albeit 20+ years ago) and then them being my financial responsibility when I turned 18, it can be quite a shock!

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

As for the other girl, if it were me I would be pleasant and civil and otherwise don't give her a second thought. Make the most of the group of friends you have there who you enjoy spending time with. I know these things can feel all consuming when you're young and living it day to day, but when you get a bit more life experience behind you you'll realise she wasn't worth your anxiety or space in your head.
 
Woodendoor12 said:
she does have her own issues but i wouldn’t call her a snake that’s quite harsh, she’s just a kid who’s still learning but unfortunately she causes a lot of drama around the yard and that pits a LOT of people against each other sadly. But I’m hoping within time she’ll grow to be a better person, for her own sake . I don’t hate her , but she needs to learn .

Honestly I’m not sure if the yard owner saying yes to her is true or not or if she’s saying to wind me up , she has a history of lying to upset people (another way she has hurt me in the past)
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Sounds to me like a very kind and mature response to the "friend's" behaviour and indeed also to your agreement with your parents.

Perhaps it might be helpful for you to approach the yard owner directly for clarification (non-confrontationally) as to whether the horse is going on loan to someone else, and if so, what might have influenced the decision. Who knows, she might even have a different horse in mind to loan to you.

In any event, I hope it all works out well for you when the time is right
 
94lunagem said:
You don't need to apologise :)

If you're certain this is the right yard for you and you definitely want to give loaning this particular horse another shot, I would still just have a further think about approaching the yard owner including your parents. To me (and hopefully the YO) this would show that you are coming at it from a mature, sensible and committed point of view, with the right support network in place given your age. And while I appreciate what you say regarding funding it yourself, I would also make sure you properly understand from the YO what costs you would be expected to pick up as the loaner. I've loaned out one of mine in the past and have paid for vets bills but the cost of hay, hard feed, shoeing, maintenance (dentist and physio etc) was the responsibility of his loan home. I'm assuming YO wouldn't ask you to pay livery?! If you haven't already, do some research as to what this costs and make sure you're comfortable your apprenticeship or weekend job covers what you'll need. Horses aren't cheap! I'm not intending to sound negative, but having been through having horses funded by my parents (albeit 20+ years ago) and then them being my financial responsibility when I turned 18, it can be quite a shock!

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

As for the other girl, if it were me I would be pleasant and civil and otherwise don't give her a second thought. Make the most of the group of friends you have there who you enjoy spending time with. I know these things can feel all consuming when you're young and living it day to day, but when you get a bit more life experience behind you you'll realise she wasn't worth your anxiety or space in your head.
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I’ve had discussions with other people who have previously loaned and currently loan their, they all say the same thing about how each loan contract is structured, eg pay for loan, 3-4 rides a week, pay for separate lesson as well, then once a year contribute to physio. So that’s all ok ! But yes completely hear what you are saying about the other stuff , honestly Im not overly fussed about the other girl , someday someone will teach her how to be a good friend or person. Honestly I was scared to be completely slated on here 😭 so thank you for being kind , I know forums aren’t always the nicest places
 
94lunagem said:
You don't need to apologise :)

If you're certain this is the right yard for you and you definitely want to give loaning this particular horse another shot, I would still just have a further think about approaching the yard owner including your parents. To me (and hopefully the YO) this would show that you are coming at it from a mature, sensible and committed point of view, with the right support network in place given your age. And while I appreciate what you say regarding funding it yourself, I would also make sure you properly understand from the YO what costs you would be expected to pick up as the loaner. I've loaned out one of mine in the past and have paid for vets bills but the cost of hay, hard feed, shoeing, maintenance (dentist and physio etc) was the responsibility of his loan home. I'm assuming YO wouldn't ask you to pay livery?! If you haven't already, do some research as to what this costs and make sure you're comfortable your apprenticeship or weekend job covers what you'll need. Horses aren't cheap! I'm not intending to sound negative, but having been through having horses funded by my parents (albeit 20+ years ago) and then them being my financial responsibility when I turned 18, it can be quite a shock!

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

As for the other girl, if it were me I would be pleasant and civil and otherwise don't give her a second thought. Make the most of the group of friends you have there who you enjoy spending time with. I know these things can feel all consuming when you're young and living it day to day, but when you get a bit more life experience behind you you'll realise she wasn't worth your anxiety or space in your head.
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IME loaning from a RS has been a fixed price with X number of rides per week rather than taking over full costs and horse is still used in the school

OP if you are thinking of apprenticing there I think you need to sit down and have a chat with the YO about it all.
 
Colivet said:
Sounds to me like a very kind and mature response to the "friend's" behaviour and indeed also to your agreement with your parents.

Perhaps it might be helpful for you to approach the yard owner directly for clarification (non-confrontationally) as to whether the horse is going on loan to someone else, and if so, what might have influenced the decision. Who knows, she might even have a different horse in mind to loan to you.

In any event, I hope it all works out well for you when the time is right
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Thank you , I try to be open minded, we all have our own issues . Fingers crossed a loan will come up there . “Horse “ is a sweetheart and if I’m not the right person for him I hope somebody else ( who isn’t ex friend ) gets him . He deserves the world. I just want to see him happy. He adores hacking and doesn’t get out enough due to not being suitable for everyone to hack .
 
ester said:
IME loaning from a RS has been a fixed price with X number of rides per week rather than taking over full costs and horse is still used in the school

OP if you are thinking of apprenticing there I think you need to sit down and have a chat with the YO about it all.
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Yep your on point with how loaning works at my yard !

Yes absolutely. We’ve all talked just in the process of setting things up. But as I said due to MH it makes it a little more complicated.
 
Lucky Snowball said:
Have you thought about sharing a private horse? Might be worth keeping an eye out and see what’s about. Hope whatever you do turns out well.
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I could theoretically, but I have an established friend group and would prefer to loan at current yard. I don’t know of any horses suitable for me currently around down here . I’m 5,9 ish, (actually currently not sure what I weigh , but I need to diet a little to loose tummy fat ) so would probably want something 16 h+ . There seems to be a lack of sane 16h’s around me 🥲 also especially to move yards, which is what I’d want to do due to timing .
 
Woodendoor12 said:
Honestly I don’t want them involved, I’m luckily hopefully in a position (after summer ends) where I can pay for the loan myself . My parents are supportive in of the fact that that they are willing to pay for lessons and everything else that I need to ride . We did agree that if I was to loan I would need to pay myself, which I am very happy with , I think the responsibility of that is good for a teenager to learn (they have agreed to spot me if needed , but life lessons need to be learned with money)
Really I need to suck it up learn to speak for myself.
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I certainly wouldn't want to loan to an under18 without the involvement of her parents. Apart from anything else, the contract has to be signed by an adult.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
I certainly wouldn't want to loan to an under18 without the involvement of her parents. Apart from anything else, the contract has to be signed by an adult.
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I never said it was completely with them uninvolved, they want me to do the asking then they can sign whatever paperwork is needed . But I would be doing most of if not all of the payment .
 
Could you arrange a meeting with YO and your parents to discuss it. Then try and lead yourself, but you know theyre there to offer support if needed and you may find the mere thing of having them there makes you more confident to be able to get your point across.

You could ahead of the meeting, write YO a letter saying how you feel about loaning him, why you think youre the right person, what you'd like to do with him, how it would benefit both him and the RS, the ways your parents would be supporting you etc

It then gives some topic points ahead of the meeting she can discuss with you if she wishes, almost like an agenda
 
Woodendoor12 said:
Honestly I don’t want them involved, I’m luckily hopefully in a position (after summer ends) where I can pay for the loan myself . My parents are supportive in of the fact that that they are willing to pay for lessons and everything else that I need to ride . We did agree that if I was to loan I would need to pay myself, which I am very happy with , I think the responsibility of that is good for a teenager to learn (they have agreed to spot me if needed , but life lessons need to be learned with money)
Really I need to suck it up learn to speak for myself.
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I completely understand that you want to be independent, but its very possible that your YO doesn't want to set up an arrangement with a minor, so your parents may have to be involved, regardless of who pays the bills.
As a YO, I wouldn't have any sort of contract with someone under 18. I don't care who pays the bills, as long as they're paid.
 
Woodendoor12 said:
(sorry still getting used to H&H layout idk why it wants me to reply twice)

she does have her own issues but i wouldn’t call her a snake that’s quite harsh, she’s just a kid who’s still learning but unfortunately she causes a lot of drama around the yard and that pits a LOT of people against each other sadly. But I’m hoping within time she’ll grow to be a better person, for her own sake . I don’t hate her , but she needs to learn .

Honestly I’m not sure if the yard owner saying yes to her is true or not or if she’s saying to wind me up , she has a history of lying to upset people (another way she has hurt me in the past)
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You sound like a very kind person.

I can guarantee that YO will be fully aware that ex friend is a trouble maker, and is choosing to deal with it in their own way.

And as said up thread, always speak up and ask for what you want.

As for everything else, it's just 'stuff'. Keep your head down, enjoy the experience of riding other horses and give yourself some distance mentally from all the goings on at the yard.
 
So sorry you are in this position OP. I work with students who have "additional needs" so I totally understand where you are coming from.

It feels like your "friend" is anything but TBH....... you obviously feel a sense of betrayal at the way she has behaved, and you are obviously feeling hurt from it. Might I respectfully suggest you might benefit from walking away from this "friendship" - there are other young people your age who you could maybe try to seek out, who wouldn't treat you like this. Someone else on here has described her as a "Snake". I would tend to agree. You do not need a negative self-seeking "friend" at the moment, you need true friends who can encourage you & build you up, and make you feel good about yourself, that is what true friends do, not this one who is making you feel bad.

Re. the loan horse situation & the YO. I am a YO - and what I am going to say you probably won't like, and I'm sorry if it isn't what you want to hear - but I would not be happy for someone who is your age to be coming onto my yard with a loan-horse. Sorry if this sounds blunt, but I wouldn't. I have both loaned a horse out, AND had a horse loaned (and eventually gifted) to me, and as a YO have had owners with loan-horses on my yard. So I have fully experienced the "loaning" thing from every angle. The problem with someone like yourself who is "under-age" (i.e. under the age of 18) is to do with two main issues: namely insurance, and also safeguarding (which is basically about putting processes in place to ensure that YOU are safe). Practically, these two issues are ones which don't come with easy solutions I'm afraid! As a YO I wouldn't accept anyone your age on my yard anyway, or anyone your age coming with a loan horse. If something goes wrong then the YO can be held responsible. An example of this is where I have recently been trying to find a sharer for my own horse, and someone under 18 approached me about it - sadly I had to say "no". So if you are feeling that you are being deliberately disregarded, please try to see that this is NOT personal, they are not trying to deny you the chance of the loan horse, or being deliberately unkind, but there will be genuine reasons why it may not be possible for you to take on a loan horse at your age.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I am trying to explain (as a YO) the reasons "why" you may not be considered for this loan-horse at this time. Hoping this helps.
 
This isn't how riding school 'loans' work though, as said earlier it is just paying a certain amount to have X rides per week on a certain horse that is still used the rest of the time in the riding school. She wouldn't be coming onto your yard, it's still a riding school horse and hence all insurance etc is covered. They also don't tend to have 'contracts' that adults have to sign.
 
Woodendoor12 said:
I never said it was completely with them uninvolved, they want me to do the asking then they can sign whatever paperwork is needed . But I would be doing most of if not all of the payment .
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You said "I honestly don't want them involved"
U nfortunately, your parents will have to be the ones who officially loan the horse for you, because a) you can't legally sign a contract and b) you can't be chased for non-payment, as an adult can be. So no-one is likely to.loan to you without your parents involvement.
 
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