Zero confidence

Mrsmurphy

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Hello all, as title really, I have lost all confidence in riding, and its now affecting my handling too :(
Im in my late 30's, 4 kids, 3 1/2 horses (pony), and work full time. I have had a few painful falls within a 2 yr period, but nothing horrific. I am embarrassed and devastated that it has now come to the fact I am hiding under another name, attemptiing to get help from others, when i should be enjoying my free time and riding!
Last week, dd nagged me to jump her mare, it couldnt have been higher than 1ft9 - she video'd it.... I am mortified at what i have become. I was so scared of falling that I was completely hunched over, the poor mare only went over because she is so good, nothing to do with me sitting there like a sack of spuds.
Ive tried lessons, at first i thought they helped, then I struggled to get school horse into canter, and fell apart (imagine the horses surprise to have a sobbing, wet mess on its back).
Any advice would be gratefully received, I can see this sliding into something more sinister, as i am currently avoiding going up as ppl keep asking when I am riding!
 

3OldPonies

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Mrsmurphy - I really, really feel for you on this one. The main thing is that you have admitted your fear and now you can start to tackle it! I also feel your pain, having been in a similar place to the one you are currently not so long ago. I don't have a magic answer for you I'm afraid, but what helped me the most was having a helpful friend and her rock steady totally amazing horse who encouraged me rather than belittling my baby steps to get back to where I once was. Nagging will only make your feelings worse. I went back to real baby steps, almost like learning all over again, my first hurdle was getting on! Having had a bad fall when P bucked and took off while I was tightening the girth really knocked my already fragile confidence and it took some doing I can tell you to get me going again (still working on cantering in an open space :( ). So I would say, ignore those around you, don't feel like you have to ride, and go right back to basics (in a school if you have one). It's not easy, but if you really want to do it, hang on in there and you will in time. Only do as much as you feel comfortable with at any one time and once you get the urge to do more, do more! Even if one day it is just getting on then another day getting on for a bit longer or moving off, going up the road, or round the school, just do as much as feels right for you. Lastly, keep on this board! When I was a totally nervous nelly and having trouble ignoring those who kept nagging me or making me feel useless (excluding helpful friend and her brilliant horse of course), support from people on here helped me keep on the right track and going in the right direction.
 

Meredith

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You are not alone in having confidence issues Mrsmurphy. After injury I found riding nerve racking. I was helped by an understanding instructor who let me work at my own pace. This included a whole lesson of walking and chatting. Remember we have horses for enjoyment, so for the moment do what you enjoy, even if it's only cuddling your favourite horse and telling him your worries. Don't be pushed into doing more than you want to or setting unrealistic goals. Also you have no need to justify what ever you to do to anyone else. At the moment my horse is poorly and I know when we begin again I will have regressed, but hey, who cares it's my fun and I'll do it how I please. Best Wishes and Good Luck
 

Mrsmurphy

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Thankyou both, it is a comfort knowing that I could ride again. Its just causing so much friction... we arent rich, nor do I own my own land, so paying so much for something Im not 'doing' is not easily understood by non horsey husband. Im frustrated, so not a nice person to be around, and generally miserable!
If he says 'well, have you actually ridden today' I may lose it completely!!
 

Antw23uk

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I feel your pain and you are not alone. Having let my friend ride my very safe horse round the field last night and seeing how totally rock bottom she was with her confidence. She kept asking me to hold him and at one point we are chatting away (trying to distract her) and the next minute she's sobbing her heart out :(

I've also been through a stage of having my confidence knocked and no amount of 'pulling yourself together and just getting on with it' helps! You just have to go at your own pace ... you do have to push yourself a little further each time though but you know that already :) eventually little by little you get braver and feel a bit more confident and so on.

My lowest point was jumping. My boy loves it but he's a hunter so his job is just to point and get over it and it scared the life out of me. I also had a few bad falls because I was worrying him as well (no mean feat, he is as brave as a lion) Very recently I've joined a RC and been to a group jumping lesson for nervous riders and by the end of it we jumped a course of jumps. Om Saturday just gone I went out to clear round jumping and took him successfully round cross poles and then a 70cm course and that 2nd round was by far the best we've ever jumped together and im still buzzing from the experience now. Your confidence will return, you just have to dig a little deeper, take your time and don't care what others around you are saying. You will get there :) Best of luck x
 

russianhorse

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Gosh, you are not alone at all

I've struggled with my confidence - especially jumping. We are still working on getting me over 1.9. :/ It didn't help that I've got a bucking into canter unbalanced 6 year old. Was just getting upset about my 26 year old and how I haven't appreciated how amazing he is, as I feel I've wasted him after losing my confidence when I had kids

Like you I have 4, and honestly I think it's a self preservation thing. Just take things slowly and get a sympathetic instructor - they really are worth their weight in gold xx
 

[100323]

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As the others have said, just do what you are comfortable with. It does not matter if you cannot do today what you did yesterday, it may happen tomorrow. If all you want to do is walk, fine. Do not be dissapointed if you set yourself a goal, and do not achieve it, Things will improve slowly, with maybe the odd set back on the way. Do not try and do what others are pushing you to do, go at your pace. I am slowly getting my confidence back after a bad fall. I am winning, and I am now hacking out on my own sometimes. If you do not want to ride for a few days, that is fine, spent time with your horse, take him for a walk, work him from the ground, it all helps with the confidence. Remember you are not alone, there are many of us on here who have or have had confidence issues, so they know what you are going through. See if you can find somebody either online or somebody you know to help when needed. I have someone on line to talk to. It helps to share those little achievements, and set backs. You will get there in your own time.
 

canteron

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Look I have been there and it's so difficult, but there is a way through. I think you have to handle it on a 3 pronged approach. Firstly, your riding skills, maybe look at something very methodical like the Ride with you Mind or a mechanical horse. Then there's you, these things tend to have a knock on in other areas of life, maybe take up a breathing hobby (learn to sing/ do yoga) and an agressive hobby ( I used tennis) or/and maybe hynotherepy - particularly good if you have certain incidents which hang around in your brain.

Finally, and msot importantly, there is the taking time to re-build your relationship with your horse. There is a little book called '28 days to perfect happiness with your horse' that is well worth a look.

Good luck, it can be done, but if you decide to tackle it and use it as a spur to learn new/ different things, surprisingly, it can be a beneficial experience in the long run and make you into a really good horse person!!!!
 

Sukistokes2

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Never think you are alone and that you are the only one. I lost my confidence a few years back and it got to the point where I was having panic attacks if my horse cantered. It was a long road getting my confidence back and now I have had it shook again by 14 hands of naughty youngster
<<<<<<<<<<<<<

First thing it is important to remember is that having horses is about much more then riding, I am sure that your OH doesn't really understand what you do there anyhow, so if he is the sort to poo poo what you do just don't tell him. If he is supportive you might want to say whats going on.

I got my confidence back by going for lessons and have a revaluation of my position and improving my balance etc. I also had supportive friends and sister who nannied me and pushed me until I felt better.

As soon as I felt myself wobble on my new boy I called out my instructor and we have been doing small steps again, That is the key really, do little things, I have even been lead around the school before now. Who really cares, not the pony, not the friend who did the leading. Positive steps forwards.

I belong to a lovely Facebook group called Confident riders, its all about support.

Just take your time and be kind to yourself you have a lot to deal with without beating yourself up ! :)
 

digitalangel

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I hold my hands up here!

After retiring my boy from jumping in 2012 i spent most of the 3 years after concentrating on dressage. I jumped a couple of times but both times were disastrous. I began to miss jumping - the liveries were always out at weekends jumping and i was just grooming for them or staying at home.

I decided to take on a few project horses and turn them around to fatten up by bank account so i could buy something that had ' been there done it ' . and i did and i bought a lovely mare 2 weeks ago.

It wasnt until i got her home i realised how badly id lost my nerve for jumping - and worse still my new mare jumped completely differently to my old one who needed strong riding into every jump - she was the opposite.

i went with another HHO'er to a confidence clinic which helped loads and last weekend we competed our first course at 70cm.

We have been asked by the RC to be a reserve on the Hickstead teams for Sj so going to aim to be competing 85cm by August. small goals seem to work well.

i am still not confident tbh, but she is a schoolmistress, a ' made' horse that knows her job. and thats exactly what i need.

maybe you can find something similar?
 

Antw23uk

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I hold my hands up here!

After retiring my boy from jumping in 2012 i spent most of the 3 years after concentrating on dressage. I jumped a couple of times but both times were disastrous. I began to miss jumping - the liveries were always out at weekends jumping and i was just grooming for them or staying at home.

I decided to take on a few project horses and turn them around to fatten up by bank account so i could buy something that had ' been there done it ' . and i did and i bought a lovely mare 2 weeks ago.

It wasnt until i got her home i realised how badly id lost my nerve for jumping - and worse still my new mare jumped completely differently to my old one who needed strong riding into every jump - she was the opposite.

i went with another HHO'er to a confidence clinic which helped loads and last weekend we competed our first course at 70cm.

We have been asked by the RC to be a reserve on the Hickstead teams for Sj so going to aim to be competing 85cm by August. small goals seem to work well.

i am still not confident tbh, but she is a schoolmistress, a ' made' horse that knows her job. and thats exactly what i need.

maybe you can find something similar?

And we did have an awesome morning out didn't we :)
 

SadKen

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Lots of good advice above.

Just wanted to say that I've been there too. After my old boy chucked me a couple of times, the thought of getting on him literally made me hyperventilate. I got my girl about 20 months ago (steady sweetheart who's not afraid of anything).

It took me four months to willingly ride for half an hour. It took me five months to canter more than once on each rein. It took a year to hack out alone. It took until two months ago to have a canter in the field.

In March we did our first dressage test and came 2nd! I jumped a bit and got quite comfortable at 2'6", but then I fell off again last August (my fault) and that has really set me back, but I've done it before and I know I can do it again. So can you. It just takes time, and putting pressure on yourself doesn't help.

My top tip is get a mate down whose company you really enjoy. Get them to walk round the school with you, and chatting to you. Like horses, people like to listen to a chatter, it's relaxing! Also I like to think about my position on the horse, which takes up brain space I'd otherwise use to worry.

Good luck! You CAN do it!
 

BentleyBelly

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I completely understand. I have never been super confident but since having my daughter my confidence has nosedived, as has my riding ability and balance to a certain extent. I have found confiding in people that understand and are happy to help you at your own pace very helpful. My sister and I have been going on short little hacks and building up gradually adding in more trot, open space, places that I know my pony can get silly in very slowly. I also have someone riding my pony for me and coming out with me on a bike and coaching me through his silly moments. My issue is that I don't completely trust my pony as 90% off the time he is a kick along plod and then when something triggers him he completely changes into a tense, joggy idiot. I have found going out early in the morning, even before 7am, he is much better and there is no one else around so I can go completely at my own pace. The best thing for me is an understanding hacking buddy, who if nothing else talks ten to the dozen to distract you from having a wobble.
 

Red-1

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Please do not think you are alone! I am happy to report that I am confident, but have realised that sometimes that means I am confident to say "I don't want to do that at the moment!"

I coach people, and specialise in confidence coaching. Some of my clients had not ridden for years, but by taking baby steps we worked from what we were happy with and expanded it, learning what missing links there were and filling the techniques, muscle memory, body alignement, understanding.... etc in as we went. All of the people have ended up not only riding but enjoying it.

People have gone from (often hidden behind sympathy) mocking them to wanting to know how they long rein so well, or do the exercises they do. It IS about baby steps, about being enthused to learn how to make things better, and feeling in charge of your destiny.

Mostly I find if people become more knowledgeable, better aligned and strong on the horse, and have techniques to defuse a situation then they feel happy to take on the world! Even if their knowledge and understanding leads them to declare, with confidence, "I don't want to do THAT today!"
 

Christmas Crumpet

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You are so not alone!! Riding is supposed to be fun and if its not and you want to carry on doing it, you need to find out a way to make it fun again. Take the pressure off and do as much as you feel you can cope with.

Riding with someone else is a great idea.

I go on epic rides at the weekend with Doormouse on here. We find ourselves chatting non stop and we are totally relaxed as are the horses. I am sure it has done our confidence the world of good with our new horses (mine is new and hers is quite recently broken). If either of us were worried about something, we just wouldn't do it. There is no point in scaring yourself silly - only do what you want to do.

There are a lot of us who have been in your position - its far more common than you think. But it is possible to come back from it and be happy and confident again.
 

showaddy1

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Now I'm feeling emotional too!! It's comforting to know I'm not alone.
My friend who I did ride out with (she also lost her nerve) has actually just hung up her jods, but she is 20yrs older than me and suffers with medical complaints.
I know I have to push myself, and find an understanding instructor (daughter has monthly lessons, but her instructor is great, but too technical for what I need right now).. Fingers crossed I'll be back by the real summer!
 

Annagain

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I too have been a gibbering wreck on the back of a horse. For years I'd been going to an instructor who is very well thought of and he is very good on the technical side of things. His teaching style didn't really suit me but because he was 'the best' I kept telling myself it was me and making myself persevere with him. My old boy - a bit of a nutter but a jumping star - was put down as "just a hot pony" and I was told "you'll never change him so don't try." This was probably true and changing him wasn't necessary in my eyes anyway. At the time I was teenager and it was water off a duck's back. It was only years later, with my next two horses I realised how it had affected me (I realised I was a passenger, not a rider)

My next horse was a wrong'un in his eyes and "wasn't good enough" for me. He did put in horrible stops, which we now know was because he was in pain, but we did have good times too, but my instructor never let me remember the good times, just the stops. My current horse is a darling. Calm and a little bit lazy but very genuine so jumps whatever I ask him to and then goes back to sleep. Now, I'm not good enough for the horse and he's "wasted" with me. I can't win.

All of this, (plus my natural lack of confidence) made me think I was useless when it comes to jumping. I'm not frightened, just think I'm a passenger and am not doing anything to help the horses I ride. I started jumping less and less and would use any excuse not to do it. My boy landed awkwardly after a fence and was lame for about 2 minutes before it wore off and he was fine. I didn't jump for 6 months! Then I decided enough was enough. I went to a new instructor, burst into tears as I said hello admitted the problem I had and then had one of the best lessons ever. By the end of my 2nd lesson with her I was jumping a metre, which I hadn't done for about 2 years. She is just so positive. I may not be brilliant, but at the moment she knows I need to hear about what I'm doing right, not what I'm doing wrong. She also creeps the fences up when I'm not looking so I come round a corner and all of a sudden there's a meter fence in front of me, rather than whacking 6" on them every time and saying "Right lets see what you make of this" like I'm expected to fail.

When you're ready I would find a really good instructor that you trust and can work with. Until then make arrangements to ride with people you trust and don't want to let down so you can't back out - that really does help!
 
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Annagain

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Now just made the crucial mistake of using real account ^^ oh well, so now you know!!

Actually I hadn't twigged you were the same person, I thought it was just someone else joining in. Although as Ant said, it doesn't matter at all. Nobody is judging you - hopefully you can see that by the number of "me too" posts.
Admitting there's an issue is the first step to dealing with it so you're on the right path :)
 

SadKen

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My current horse is a darling. Calm and a little bit lazy but very genuine so jumps whatever I ask him to and then goes back to sleep. Now, I'm not good enough for the horse and he's "wasted" with me. I can't win.

Mine's totally 'wasted' with me! She's a county level WHP, but that's why I got her, so she could do the jumps and I can be a passenger. She jumps at her best when I simply give her the order of the jumps, and don't interfere. I don't see it as a waste though; she has a difficult job reassuring me and sorting herself out to make up for any mistakes I make, and I needed a seen it/done it/quietly walked to the podium and collected a prize in a dignified fashion sort of horse.

My next goal is kiddie clear round at a show. I don't give two hoots that it's 1ft. I haven't jumped a clear round in years, and I'll probably cry when I get my rosette (my girl tells me I just need to stay on to get this!).
 

Annagain

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Mine's totally 'wasted' with me! She's a county level WHP, but that's why I got her, so she could do the jumps and I can be a passenger. She jumps at her best when I simply give her the order of the jumps, and don't interfere. I don't see it as a waste though; she has a difficult job reassuring me and sorting herself out to make up for any mistakes I make, and I needed a seen it/done it/quietly walked to the podium and collected a prize in a dignified fashion sort of horse.

This is exaclty why I love mine so much. The weird thing is every time my instructor told me this I would reply quote forcefully that no horse doing as good a job for his rider as he was for me is wasted and he doesn't lie awake at night lamenting the fact he never went to Badminton. Although I'd say this out loud to my instructor and laugh it off with anyone else, underneath it was really affecting me. I'm quite a confident person anywhere but on the back of a horse so although I can't always cover up my lack of confidence, I can usually cover up how much it bothers me.
 

B&J

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Sorry if I repeat anyone as I've not read all the replies

Very very small baby steps were the key to me. I set a goal each day that was achievable. Tell the people on your yard so that they are aware and they can help you then if they know there is a problem.

I've lost confidence more times that I will admit to. The worst was 18 months ago I wouldn't stand next to a horse. Now I have 2 (1 retired) and am just starting to hack alone so yes it can be done, you can get it back!

I found being lunged was very good, I could concentrate on my balance without worrying about steering the horse. Once my balance was sorted I felt secure and that helped enormously. A decent instructor is essential I found.

Set small achievable goals that are within your limit and stick to them. If you decide that 1 lap of canter is your goal, stick to that and end on a high. If you achieve 1 loop then call it a day at that, don't try and push yourself to 2 loops over your goal as I found if the second loop wasn't good then I lost confidence straight away.

Riding regularly also helps immensely. If I don't ride for a week then I regress several steps and it becomes a big deal again. I had to force myself to climb aboard for the first few months but eventually you end up looking forward to it.

There is a group of FB called Confident Riders - it is brilliant - a wealth of experiences and support on there.
 

OWLIE185

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What you are describing is quite normal.
Most my riding friends from years ago have stopped riding and from our original crowd there are probably only a very few of us left that still ride.
Unfortunately as we get older we loose our confidence and rubber content.
I do still love riding and am in my 60's now but I only plod these days staying at a relaxed walk!
Unfortunately due to the loss of my last horse I had to buy myself a new horse a couple of years ago so I bought myself a nice laid back horse that is quite happy to just trundle about.
 

Slightlyconfused

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And we did have an awesome morning out didn't we :)

Was that at quaintion? Was there with sister and friend who were riding. Big ginger thing and big bay thing :D


Someone recently to,d me confidence is to be nurtured not pushed. If you are happy getting on walking three steps getting off do that until you can do four, five, six or a circuit of the yard. Don't push or let others push you.
 

Slightlyconfused

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This is exaclty why I love mine so much. The weird thing is every time my instructor told me this I would reply quote forcefully that no horse doing as good a job for his rider as he was for me is wasted and he doesn't lie awake at night lamenting the fact he never went to Badminton. Although I'd say this out loud to my instructor and laugh it off with anyone else, underneath it was really affecting me. I'm quite a confident person anywhere but on the back of a horse so although I can't always cover up my lack of confidence, I can usually cover up how much it bothers me.

People have said some of ours are wasted with us but I don't care. Not any more. I used to and the newly backed boy has some talent in him but I will be developing that for me and him, might do a few shows, no one else. He doesn't care if he gets ridden or is in a feild to eat.
 

Gentle_Warrior

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Me to. I have resorted to riding in secret. Had a couple of confidence knocks 18 months ago with h bucking. He then showed arthritis in lh hock. Perfect excuse not to ride. I am petrified of riding out or being asked to ride with someone. We where always the confident pair, fit and able to handle anything. H is now 22 so have become overly protective with lameness.

However in my own time I have decided I am ready to give it another try. He is not ready to retire fully yet. He still has years in him and got sad that I might be making the decision to soon .

All I can say is do it in your own time and at own pace. I am planning a huge 20 minutes round the block very early Saturday with the hubby on foot just in case.

Let me know if you find any tricks that work for you! !!! Walking in hand works for me. Makes you handle and chill with them. Mine was feral for 18 months.

Small steps.
X
 

Noodles_3

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I feel for you, I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Young me was fearless, got on crazy nutty ponies and jumped for fun. Older me - confidence = shot to pieces. I did have an accident which contributed to this and I am slowly slowly getting better but in turn it has made me feel like a rubbish rider. I actually seem to ride like a wobbly beginner at the minute (currently having lessons to improve myself again) but because I am concentrating on 'staying on' I don't have the greatest balance and am so embarrassed by the silly mistakes I keep making.

In addition to this, I have lost my confidence on the ground with horses too. I am quite nervy deep down. Never used to be! I am slowly getting there though spending time with two ponies who belong to a lovely lady. She is just happy for me to be there and help with odd jobs. I feel a twit sometimes though as I lack confidence in my ability to do stuff so bad that I act like I'm clueless lol. Why is losing your confidence so damaging in many ways? I could kick myself I act like this but can't help it!
 

SadKen

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Y'know, over in the Clubhouse we have a diet thread. It's been really good to share highs and lows with others in a similar situation. I wonder if we could have a 2015 Confidence Thread? Post your hopes and plans for where you want to be by the end of the year, challenges you're facing, your small confidence goal for the weekend, successes, tips etc?
 
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