“It’s an expensive way to be miserable”....I need a chat please.

NooNoo59

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oh god reading this and thinking this is me, just put similar post up!! Had a great horse for 10 years did everything with him. Then was given a cob who was 12 and anxious, but I cracked on but he was nervous out hacking and never reached that confident stage with him before he went wrong at 15. Now got a welsh d, very green (i know i know!!!) and not feeling it with him atm. Supposed to be getting on this afternoon with the instructor already feeling a bit sick!!!
 

Sarahkinks

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Totally agree with what others have said, your instructor was completely out of order to blame it on you! It wasn’t your fault and if possible don’t let her comments dent your confidence even further.

I would be looking for a different instructor off the back of an incident like that. There are loads of great supportive ones out there so no need to keep going with one that makes you feel that way. You need positivity and encouragement, and it sounds as that you’re not getting that from her.

Exciting news about the foal - great idea 🤗
 

Caol Ila

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I should add that "It's an expensive way to be miserable" were my exact words when I quit showing dressage. My horse is a lovely, kind mare who never put a foot wrong at a show, but my scores were crap and I wasn't moving up the levels, and no matter how good we were in the warm-up, I froze up and rode like a plonker when we stepped into the show ring. I guess I'm not a natural athlete and always struggled with the coordination and body awareness you need in order to move past Second Level (or Elementary-Medium-ish in British money). Anyway, I would come home with my collection of mid-to-high 50s%s, maybe the odd 60%, while all my barnmates were well above 65%. The worst one was a show at my barn, and everyone's score was posted on a board, so all my fellow liveries could see how terribly we did. And it could be a competitive, bitchy barn where people would eyeball someone schooling a horse and say to one another, "I don't like *her* riding." And no one was Charlotte Dujardin, so no one was *that* good. Yet I could only imagine what they were saying about my 55% on First Level Test 3 but it most assuredly wasn't anything nice. I think that was the last time I ever rode a dressage test at a show. I was mad at and frustrated with myself and irrationally mad at my horse, which is sort of crazy and stupid -- I didn't go to the barn for like two days -- and I thought about what I was doing with my life. But not overnight. There were options -- I couldn't afford the gazillion dollar dressage horse, but I could have sold Gypsum and bought something else. Or loaned her and then loaned a dressage horse. Or put her in full training with someone who could move her up the levels.

Not long after, I put my horse on a short-term full loan and traveled to Ireland for three months and had no transport there, so I didn't ride. The long-ish break made me realize that competitive dressage was becoming an expensive way to be miserable, and there were so many other ways to enjoy my horse that weren't. And I realised that I just wanted to have a nice time with my horse and not put her in training or loan a more talented horse or sell her or any of those options. Saying f**ck competitive dressage seemed easier, cheaper, and more fun. And if the rest of my barn was eyeing me askance because I had become a trail riding bum, f**ck them too.

I guess you have to figure out what equestrian activity or lifestyle makes you happy. Even if it's not riding. Or not competing. Or driving. Or being an owner while someone else rides. Or breeding rare breeds.
 
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Pippity

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I agree with others, I don't see how your nerves could possibly have affected Scrappy.

I also think putting her in foal is an excellent idea, albeit with the usual caveats about appropriate facilities, risk to the mare, etc. It gives you more time without feeling pressured to make a decision about selling; it gives Scrappy a chance to mature; it gives you a foal who may turn out to be exactly what you want, and it gives the world another rare breed horse.
 

Clodagh

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When I lost my nerve I bred a foal. I really enjoyed the whole process (in between stressing!) and although I was then not brave enough to ride the result either I did enjoy watching other people do things with him.
 

blodwyn1

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This was not your fault! In contrast my instructor led my pony till she was settled and I then got on. She led me up the road and the pony did spook at something behind her but between us we got her under control and my instructor was full of praise for me. Whereas i felt i had gone to jelly and into foetal position!!The right person is needed for you and scrappy!
Is Scrappy a fully registered.clydesdale? I thought she was part bred. Do think about the potential market for the foal but you may get a real pleasure from breeding.
 

cblover

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She has a Clydesdale passport as a grade up filly. She has shire in her, like you remember. Her sire is a premium Clyde stallion and she’s dna tested in her passport.

I’m putting her to a full Clyde called Collessie Redcastle Hallmark and if she has a filly, it’ll be registered as a full Clyde and added to the stud book. If it’s a colt, it can’t be entered into the stud book. I’m happy ether way.
 

Clodagh

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She has a Clydesdale passport as a grade up filly. She has shire in her, like you remember. Her sire is a premium Clyde stallion and she’s dna tested in her passport.

I’m putting her to a full Clyde called Collessie Redcastle Hallmark and if she has a filly, it’ll be registered as a full Clyde and added to the stud book. If it’s a colt, it can’t be entered into the stud book. I’m happy ether way.
So exciting! When is she off to stud? Is he local? Natural cover? So many questions, and I need a pic of Dad to be
 

Pearlsasinger

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I really don't see how the trainer could possibly think it was your fault that the horse she was riding - and supposed to be giving confidence to - got upset by a tractor. I would find a different, better, trainer.

However I don't see the sense in putting Scrappy in foal. If you want to leave her a field for a year, fine, do that but what will you do with a foal after weaning?
 

Snowfilly

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Stud is dapple stud at Tow Law near Darlington. Just under 2 hours away from me in Cumbria. Stallion covers in hand and here’s a pic.
He’s a cracking stallion and they produce some decent foals that do well in hand and in harness. Clydes are so scarce that any decent well handled youngster will sell itself, even if it’s not registered. My boy wasn’t eligible for papers, but it only knocked us out of Kilmarnock ridden and BD draft classes, everything else was ok.

If I won the lottery between now and her foaling, I’d be tempted!
 

cblover

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Pearlsasinger - I’m not sure what my intentions are for the foal, if we get that far. I feel it would sell no problem but bottom line is I haven’t totally decided what I’ll do. I’m currently having a conversation with my daughter about the reasons to put her in foal or not. She’s making me think.....so that’s always a good thing. Can always depend on her to be rational and practical.
 

SatansLittleHelper

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I think you have to really decide what putting her in foal will actually achieve from YOUR pov. Will it make you more confident about riding her..?? While a foal is a dreamy idea, I guess you need to know if it is just delaying tactics on your behalf. Scrappy looks incredible and you have done a fabulous job with her....maybe selling or loaning her on to someone with the right amount of confidence etc would be the last really good thing you could do for her..?? With that said, I very much doubt she's going to mind if you just had her sat there looking pretty for another year.
If your cob is more your type could you loan Scrappy as a brood mare to a really good, knowledgeable stud..??
 

cblover

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SLH - you make several valid points and I appreciate your input. In some ways I think I am using this opportunity to delay making a decision about whether or not I should sell her. It might be a better idea to look for another instructor who will build my confidence instead of wrecking it. I was so looking forward to this fortnight but I’ve been so disappointed
 

SatansLittleHelper

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As I said in a previous post to you...you have had so many things going on in your life, things that would beat up anyone's confidence to be fair.
A new trainer is a definite regardless but remember to go easy on yourself, you have done Scrsppy proud and selling her would not be a terrible thing. Confidence is so fragile, there is no point at all and nothing to be gained by forcing yourself into anything.
Hugs, it's tough at times xx
 

Clodagh

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I think of you go for the foal option you have to look at it as a seperate project for you and Scrappy and not to try to overthink it. Do you want to breed a foal? If yes, and you can afford it then do it. Live for yourself, its 18 months, you can sell the foal at weaning if you wish and crack on with whatever is next. Carpe diem!
 

cblover

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I’m trying to take a deep breath and stop, relax and chill. You have made me think about the long term plans I’d have for this foal and I’m undecided now. I think the best thing to do when you feel undecided...is nothing. I’m one of life’s fixers and I’m always looking for answers...either to help me, family or friends. I’m trying to slow down a bit.
 

cblover

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So I’ve taken a bit of control back today. I haven’t gone to my last agreed training day with my horses, too hot for one thing but I just wasn’t happy to go. So I’ve got two very hot but happy girls at home. I’m happy too.

I’ve made a decision not to send scrappy to stud, instead I’m going to source an appropriate instructor to help us both in a way I’m happy with. These decisions feel good and I’m happy with them. Your input, all of you, has been massively appreciated and given my the strength to pull my socks up.
 

SEL

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So I’ve taken a bit of control back today. I haven’t gone to my last agreed training day with my horses, too hot for one thing but I just wasn’t happy to go. So I’ve got two very hot but happy girls at home. I’m happy too.

I’ve made a decision not to send scrappy to stud, instead I’m going to source an appropriate instructor to help us both in a way I’m happy with. These decisions feel good and I’m happy with them. Your input, all of you, has been massively appreciated and given my the strength to pull my socks up.
I've just read your thread and think this sounds like a good call :)

I was being babysat by a 24yo bombproof pony last week when a tractor carrying an odd yellow box came past. He crawled past but apparently bombproof doesn't include large yellow boxes so my babysitter had a huge wobble. Neither of us blamed the other - just congratulated ourselves on calming our horses down and continuing our ride. I wonder whether the incident rattled your instructor and sadly some people feel the need to deal with that by turning on other people. Onwards and Upwards.
 

Nasicus

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I’ve made a decision not to send scrappy to stud, instead I’m going to source an appropriate instructor to help us both in a way I’m happy with. These decisions feel good and I’m happy with them. Your input, all of you, has been massively appreciated and given my the strength to pull my socks up.
I believe that is the best course of action for you! :)
 

Pearlsasinger

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So I’ve taken a bit of control back today. I haven’t gone to my last agreed training day with my horses, too hot for one thing but I just wasn’t happy to go. So I’ve got two very hot but happy girls at home. I’m happy too.

I’ve made a decision not to send scrappy to stud, instead I’m going to source an appropriate instructor to help us both in a way I’m happy with. These decisions feel good and I’m happy with them. Your input, all of you, has been massively appreciated and given my the strength to pull my socks up.

A wise decision imho!

I hope you can find a new, good instructor to help you before too long.
 

MyBoyChe

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Can I make a couple of observations. I would definitely change your trainer, to blame you for something that really wasnt your fault is not the remark of an understanding trainer. She was in cintrol of the horse that sparked the incident and to be fair, your horse was reacting to the herd, its one of the reasons I dont like riding in company, I prefer my horse to listen to me and not react to another horse, its a very strong instinct for them to do so and not at all easy to stop them. I have no idea if this may apply to you but given your age, could you possibly be in the early stages of the menopause (and apologies if this is completely off the wall, no intention to offend). If it could be though, google anxiety and the menopause, apparently it is a well known fact (although I didnt know it at the time) that the onset of the change can trigger/heighten anxieties and turn a normal sane woman into a nervous nelly. Ive never been a massively confident rider but I was struggling to ride my Highland, who has the temperament of a saint and is almost bullet proof! Magnesium works for some horses and also some women, it certainly helped me to settle things down again. Just a thought, but definitely dont ne so hard on yourself, youve done a damn good job on the Clydie and if you never ride her, who gives a damn...as long as you do enjoy looking after her x
 

cblover

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MyBoyChe - I literally said to my daughter last night that I can’t seem to be able to make a decision. I either don’t feel strongly enough about things or I’m a bit overwhelmed by a situation. Also I don’t seem to trust my gut anymore....and I used to have a great gut feeling about certain things.

I’m just pleased I took the time to ask for help, talk to people and slow down with my decision making. I feel empowered today taking back a little control. I’ll make future decisions as and when I want to. I think having my hubby very ill with Covid19 has exhausted me, together with issues with my mam and sister from last year hasn’t helped.

Thanks for your advice.
 

MyBoyChe

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It may be nothing to do with your age at all, but Im 58 soon and the last few years I have been quite overwhelmed, at times, by my feelings. I just didnt seem to be me anymore, I became forgetful, unable to remember things on an hour by hour basis, quite unable to do more than one thing at once (very unwomanly) and anxious about all sorts of stuff, some important and some not. Apparently, when you hit the other side, life is fabulous :) You have been through an awful lot in a short space of time and had a lot to come to terms with, I would just relax a bit if you can, if you are coping with looking after the horses and still enjoying that side of things, just go with it for now x
 

splashgirl45

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well done for making a decision...just remember there is no pressure from anyone to ride, do it because you want to not because you feel you ought to, the horses will be happy being pampered by you and will not care if they are never ridden. you have done a great job with scrappy, although her name doesnt now fit the beautiful horse she has become, so be very proud of yourself...:)
 
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