A poo in my field!!

[monkeymad]

I have worked in A&E for many years, so used to seeing strange things, and I tend to forget/delete unpleasant images from my mind. However, I can remember giving a small and eldery patient an enema, and my God, what she passed has scarred my mind for life!! The faeces was larger than her torso - everyone in the department came to look at the offending tree-trunk sized poop and many photos were taken for "training purposes" (yeah of course, you pervs!!). The human body never ceases to amaze.....

 

[Darbs]

Rather worryingly I am back with my second story of this thread.

A long time ago, while doing my A Levels I worked at Texas Homecare (that went on to become B&Q). Fairly regularly we had people poo in the toilets in the bathroom displays in the shop. We used to draw lots on who was going to scoop it out (it obviously couldn't be flushed as there was no water, nothing was connected up).

In their defence (!) while we never saw anybody actually do it, and it was before the days of CCTV, we think it was kids who didn't understand that the toilets were just for show, and the parents were off around the store choosing paint colours.

 

[TheresaW]

I used to work in a bathroom showroom. We quite often found poo in the display models too.

 

[Fidgety]

This thread is horrendous but I just couldn't stop reading. I now just feel strange.

It certainly rivals a MN thread, that's for sure!

 

[fburton]

Whoever/whatever it is, it sounds like they are getting their recommended daily 10 portions of fruit and veg AT LEAST! :eek3:

 

[DD]

Best thread on the forum and crying laughing. its so gross.

 

[Caol Ila]

I had a flatmate who regularly left bottom dwellers lurking, waiting to be discovered. One friend suggested finding a stick and breaking them up, but I couldn't face it. I would throw a bunch of bleach on it, shut the lid, and come back a bit later to flush it. The flatmate had lived with some other friends before she moved in with me. They said the same thing happened when she lived in their flat. Shame they didn't warn me *before* she moved in!

The following story might be an urban myth, as it's one of those "friend of a friend's brother's cousin" type of stories, but it's a good one anyway.

A girl (the friends brother's cousin) goes to a night club and meets a guy. They dance together for the whole night, chat for a while, and really hit it off. After the club closes, they go back to his place and talk late into the night and have the most amazing sex in the world. In the morning, he has to go to work and tells her that she can help herself to breakfast with whatever is in the kitchen, and not to worry about locking the door as it's a Yale lock. She is really excited about this guy. It could be the real thing.

A couple hours later, she gets out of bed, has some cereal, then goes to the loo and has a massive shight. It blocks the loo. She struggles hopelessly to flush it but it doesn't move. Thinking, she can't leave this here because she really likes the guy, she fetches a Tesco bag from the kitchen, fishes out the poo, and tightly ties up the bag. Then she goes back to the kitchen and writes a wee note saying, "Had a great time last night and it would fantastic to see you again soon. My number is xxxxxxxxx." She grabs her purse and her coat and leaves the flat, the door slamming and the Yale lock clicking behind her. At that moment, she has the terribe realization that the poo in the Tesco bag is sitting on the table beside her note.

 

[MotherOfChickens]

Good grief. I'm not sure what I'd do if I saw someone running and pooing at the same time! I can't even imagine how the logistics of that would work!!! Eeeeew ��

long distance and marathon runners and sometimes, even cyclists. Paula Radcliff was a famous one caught on camera poor thing.

 

[Asha]

I had a flatmate who regularly left bottom dwellers lurking, waiting to be discovered. One friend suggested finding a stick and breaking them up, but I couldn't face it. I would throw a bunch of bleach on it, shut the lid, and come back a bit later to flush it. The flatmate had lived with some other friends before she moved in with me. They said the same thing happened when she lived in their flat. Shame they didn't warn me *before* she moved in!

The following story might be an urban myth, as it's one of those "friend of a friend's brother's cousin" type of stories, but it's a good one anyway.

A girl (the friends brother's cousin) goes to a night club and meets a guy. They dance together for the whole night, chat for a while, and really hit it off. After the club closes, they go back to his place and talk late into the night and have the most amazing sex in the world. In the morning, he has to go to work and tells her that she can help herself to breakfast with whatever is in the kitchen, and not to worry about locking the door as it's a Yale lock. She is really excited about this guy. It could be the real thing.

A couple hours later, she gets out of bed, has some cereal, then goes to the loo and has a massive shight. It blocks the loo. She struggles hopelessly to flush it but it doesn't move. Thinking, she can't leave this here because she really likes the guy, she fetches a Tesco bag from the kitchen, fishes out the poo, and tightly ties up the bag. Then she goes back to the kitchen and writes a wee note saying, "Had a great time last night and it would fantastic to see you again soon. My number is xxxxxxxxx." She grabs her purse and her coat and leaves the flat, the door slamming and the Yale lock clicking behind her. At that moment, she has the terribe realization that the poo in the Tesco bag is sitting on the table beside her note.

ive just woke my dog up laughing out loud at that. Hilarious, don't care if its true or not. brilliant

 

[DD]

ha-ha-ha-ha-ha brilliant

 

[cally23]

I worked in a well known shop, (think silk, embellishments and lots of Accessorize) Two of us had been helping a family decide on a wedding dress, they left saying they couldn't make up their minds. After a while, my colleague went back to the fitting rooms to check it was tidy etc, and there was a Poo!!!!! Unbelievable! Why didn't they put it in their embellished bag?

 

[cally23]

Also as someone who is on a yard with NO facilities, have a guess how I manage? ..........I don't poo in the field, to many stingies!

 

[fburton]

The following story might be an urban myth, as it's one of those "friend of a friend's brother's cousin" type of stories, but it's a good one anyway.

That reminds me of something I heard when I turned on my car radio while driving home the other night. It was David Sedaris reading one of his humorous short stories/memoir pieces. Usually these make me laugh out loud, but on this occasion I ended up cringing and wishing I could un-hear it.

Anyway, the story was called Big Boy (!:eek3 and anyone who dares can read it here...

http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/a129/sedaris-big-boy-1199/

 

[peanut]

Also as someone who is on a yard with NO facilities, have a guess how I manage? ..........I don't poo in the field, to many stingies!

The mind boggles!

 

[lrw0250]

The following story might be an urban myth, as it's one of those "friend of a friend's brother's cousin" type of stories, but it's a good one anyway.

In a similar vein there is the story of the true Scotsman best man who lifted his kilt to have a photo taken of him sitting on the bride's knee and left a brown pooh mark down the front
of her wedding dress!

 

[Equine_Dream]

This thread......I can't breathe

 

[little_critter]

Also as someone who is on a yard with NO facilities, have a guess how I manage? ..........I don't poo in the field, to many stingies!

No facilities at our yard either, luckily in the few years I've been there I've not needed a poo...yet.

 

[Annagain]

The following story might be an urban myth, as it's one of those "friend of a friend's brother's cousin" type of stories, but it's a good one anyway.

A girl (the friends brother's cousin) goes to a night club and meets a guy. They dance together for the whole night, chat for a while, and really hit it off. After the club closes, they go back to his place and talk late into the night and have the most amazing sex in the world. In the morning, he has to go to work and tells her that she can help herself to breakfast with whatever is in the kitchen, and not to worry about locking the door as it's a Yale lock. She is really excited about this guy. It could be the real thing.

A couple hours later, she gets out of bed, has some cereal, then goes to the loo and has a massive shight. It blocks the loo. She struggles hopelessly to flush it but it doesn't move. Thinking, she can't leave this here because she really likes the guy, she fetches a Tesco bag from the kitchen, fishes out the poo, and tightly ties up the bag. Then she goes back to the kitchen and writes a wee note saying, "Had a great time last night and it would fantastic to see you again soon. My number is xxxxxxxxx." She grabs her purse and her coat and leaves the flat, the door slamming and the Yale lock clicking behind her. At that moment, she has the terribe realization that the poo in the Tesco bag is sitting on the table beside her note.

I've heard this story too. I have a feeling it might have been a 'confession' on Simon Mayo's Radio show. That doesn't mean it's true though just the product of a very odd imagination. I mean, if it was you (either the girl or the boy)why would you ever tell anyone?

 

[Clare85]

This thread is weirdly addictive, I keep coming back to read more - and I've also just realised I have another poo story.

Hubby was in the pub with a friend, watching the football. He went to the bar to buy a round and found that someone had left an empty pint glass, containing a large turd, just sitting on the bar!!!

No wonder I prefer equines to people most of the time!

 

[highlandponygirl]

Haha at all these.

We had a phantom pooper at my old work too, big logs that could have come from an elephant. It took whole bottles of bleach and several buckets of water to dismember it enough to flush. On a couple of occasions I also lifted a toilet seat to find a long worm wriggling around the bottom I shudder to think how they got there, that actually made me feel I needed to go lie down to recover from the boakiness.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

Last school, we had wooden stairs with big spaces underneath. Massive lumps of obviously human poo kept being left in the corner by the stairs. Then one was left in the corridor space between my room and another. It looked like they'd been carefully placed rather than produced there. Gross, the poor caretaker!

When the OH worked in London, the offices shared loos with the other companies in the building. Every day, there was poo on the floor and the associated toilet roll in the bin alongside the loo. Some cultures aren't meant to sit on the loo, rather squat, there was a weird pic of how to squat on MN the other day.

And just to lighten the tone: https://www.facebook.com/streetartglobe/videos/2021182661438483/?pnref=story

 

[highlandponygirl]

Last school, we had wooden stairs with big spaces underneath. Massive lumps of obviously human poo kept being left in the corner by the stairs. Then one was left in the corridor space between my room and another. It looked like they'd been carefully placed rather than produced there. Gross, the poor caretaker!

When the OH worked in London, the offices shared loos with the other companies in the building. Every day, there was poo on the floor and the associated toilet roll in the bin alongside the loo. Some cultures aren't meant to sit on the loo, rather squat, there was a weird pic of how to squat on MN the other day.

And just to lighten the tone: https://www.facebook.com/streetartglobe/videos/2021182661438483/?pnref=story

Solid globs of rocky road

 

[dozzie]

I had what I think was a human poo left by my gate. It was wrapped in tissue. Probably my exhusband. But worse than that was the dog poo which started appearing outside the gate to my field. It just got worse and worse. it was everywhere. The gate way is shared and I spoke to the other person about it, asking if he could perhaps talk to his tenant as clearly his tenant was allowing his dogs to c**p in the gateway. He told me he had talked to his tenant and it wasn't him. So we discussed cctv etc but to cut a long story short, a week or so later, the paper round van saw someone in the gateway at 6am, reported it to the "other person" immediately. He went straight up and found it was someone, from out of the area, who was bringing their dog up to do its business every morning, then taking it home again!!!! They weren't even local! Other person told them they had to clear it all up or he would clear it up and leave it on their doorstep. They cleared it up and didn't return. But honestly! Some people!

 

[Llewellyn]

I used to work in a house that had a back drive entrance a good distance from the house. You went through a gap in the hedge, the drive swung up and to the left flanked by hedges and went on a couple of metres before you met the back gate. Basically many cyclists thought it was a good place to 'drop trou' hidden by hedges. What they didn't realise what the whole property was covered by CCTV live into the kitchen and we had an intercom so we could see who it was before we opened the gate. Nothing more entertaining than watching a MAMIL (middle aged man in Lycra) get off his bike, sneak up the drive a bit, 'drop trou' and then be the disembodied voice saying 'this is private property- pull up you shorts and leave!' Or words to that effect. Oh the joy!

 

[Achinghips]

Thirty five years ago when I was in school, I remember going into assembley and the Headteacher was there looking very stern. Apparently, someone had left a poo on the very stage he gave assembly on ...... and the cleaners were refusing to work until it was removed. At the time, Tiswas, a Saturday child's programme had a character called the phantom flan flinger. Thereonin, the culprit became known as The Phantom. His identity still remains a mystery to this day .... The stuff of legend. The phantom of Ynysawdre Comprehensive school.

 

[Crazy_cat_lady]

Last school, we had wooden stairs with big spaces underneath. Massive lumps of obviously human poo kept being left in the corner by the stairs. Then one was left in the corridor space between my room and another. It looked like they'd been carefully placed rather than produced there. Gross, the poor caretaker!

When the OH worked in London, the offices shared loos with the other companies in the building. Every day, there was poo on the floor and the associated toilet roll in the bin alongside the loo. Some cultures aren't meant to sit on the loo, rather squat, there was a weird pic of how to squat on MN the other day.

And just to lighten the tone: https://www.facebook.com/streetartglobe/videos/2021182661438483/?pnref=story

I think that video has just traumatised me more than this entire thread �� he actually eats the unicorn poo �� now tempted to look on amazon at said squatty potty as bet there are some funny reviews but don't want it coming up in my suggested items!
Agree with others this is one of those threads you can't stop reading.

Wasn't there an epic mums net one linked on here once about a cube of poo or something?

 

[Achinghips]

Two tramps sitting on a park bench together. One says to the other "there's a terrible smell around here. Have you pooed in your pants ?" The other says "of course I haven't". They carry on drinking and the smell doesn't go away ..... "are you sure you haven't pooed in your pants?" " look I've told you, no, now leave me alone to enjoy my cider". The smell continues ....... Finally unable to put up with it any longer the original questioner jumps up, and pulls down his friends trousers to reveal a pancake poo in his breeches. "There", he says "I knew you'd pooed your pants , yet you kept denying it" ..... Standing there, cider in one hand, pants around his ankles, the old boy replied ... "Oh, I thought you meant TODAY"

 

[3OldPonies]

I used to work in a house that had a back drive entrance a good distance from the house. You went through a gap in the hedge, the drive swung up and to the left flanked by hedges and went on a couple of metres before you met the back gate. Basically many cyclists thought it was a good place to 'drop trou' hidden by hedges. What they didn't realise what the whole property was covered by CCTV live into the kitchen and we had an intercom so we could see who it was before we opened the gate. Nothing more entertaining than watching a MAMIL (middle aged man in Lycra) get off his bike, sneak up the drive a bit, 'drop trou' and then be the disembodied voice saying 'this is private property- pull up you shorts and leave!' Or words to that effect. Oh the joy!

OMG - if they weren't already in the act I would think the sudden 'voice of god' out of nowhere would have the effect of making them poop themselves!!!!!!!!

I wonder if Ant and Dec could pull a stunt like that on Saturday Night Takeaway? It'd be a winner for sure.

Did anyone else on here see the Guy Martin in India programme - it featured a campaign run by the government called 'Take Pooey to the Looey', aimed at getting people to stop pooping in the street and use the public toilets instead. It would appear from a lot of the posts on here that perhaps we should have the same campaign in this country!!!

Loving this somewhat yucky thread, it's horrible yet compelling at the same time.

 

[Christmas Crumpet]

Just remembered a poo story... was in local pub having lunch and my friend and I went to pay. I trod in something which felt very squishy by the bar, realised it was poo and rushed off to the loo to wash my NEW shoe. Friend apologised profusely because clearly it was his dogs...

I realised when washing my shoe (and retching) that it smelt more like human poo than dog poo. Went back out to the bar where friend was scratching his head as to how either dog could have done a poo in that place as their leads didn't stretch that far. Then OH came back from the mens loo to say there was poo all over the floor. Then we realised that the old man who'd been having lunch with his carer had clearly done a poo and it fell out the bottom of his trouser leg - they went to the loo then they sort of shuffled out very quickly.

We all felt very sorry for him. I have not worn those shoes again.

 

[Auslander]

I think I've figured it out OP. You have a sloth problem...
http://mentalfloss.com/article/81922/baby-sloths-giant-poops-defy-physicsall-decency