Am I a total bitch?

See this is one reason I don't use Facebook or like it I think in this situation the person needing help would be better off ringing a few trusted friends for help, they then are not putting themselves out there for people to judge and have an opinion about it, maybe it's because I am quite a private kind of person and don't really understand why people feel the need to advertise such things in there life I don't know perhaps it's old fashioned or that I don't really get the whole social media thing.
 
I think OP has been told she wasn't as kind as she could have been enough now. Maybe it's time to let it go or we (and I include myself here) risk being unkind ourselves.
 
I think I once heard someone say something along the lines of ‘don’t offer advice that would require the person who’s asking to find themselves a time machine’

I think this is one of those situations where this applies - yes, she’s been optimistic/bordering on negligent (?), but she’s trying to do the right thing for her/the horses during the shitshow that is 2021/21.

I wouldn’t get involved..
 
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
 
I'm sure she also now realises she might have needed back up plans for the back up plans. but just telling someone they are an idiot doesn't really solve the problem ;) maybe she will use this time to sort a few things in case it happens again, but it sound like she was posting because assistance was needed *now* not when she had had a chance to reflect on past decisions.

It's nice to see that so many HHOers are kind enough to muck in when they can :)
 
JulesRules said:
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
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You can stand by your view and actually I agree with the view.

Voicing it to someone in difficulty is what has got you the responses you have had on this thread. If you can’t see that then maybe one day you will be in a position yourself where you do appreciate it.
 
JulesRules said:
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
Click to expand...

Your view- fine. But it neednt have been posted on FB. It sounds things are bad enough without bitchy posts making poster feel guilty. Please be kind, too many people are having a really awful time ot the moment.
 
JulesRules said:
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
Click to expand...

So what's you backup if your household are all laid up with covid?
 
stormox said:
Your view- fine. But it neednt have been posted on FB. It sounds things are bad enough without bitchy posts making poster feel guilty. Please be kind, too many people are having a really awful time ot the moment.
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Exactly this. I think few people would argue against it being a good idea to have contingency for looking after horses. The point of debate seems more about whether its necessary (or useful) to point it out to someone you don't know very well at their point of difficulty. On that I'd argue probably no its not necessary and unlikely to be helpful.
 
JulesRules said:
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
Click to expand...

Things happen.
Our nearest and dearest die.
Our friends become sick, disabled.
Cars break down. Plans go awry.

Be kind - and if you can't manage that, be quiet.
 
Anything can happen even if you have a backup plan, for example recently if I hadn't been able to do my horses my backup plans would have failed as all the people who I would normally ask have been isolating and another snowed in on a road with bad access so I could have easily found myself trying to sort something out.
Also, I think we should try and be kinder to people as we don't know what people are suffering with and what toll it takes on their mental health.
 
One thing in life you can be sure of is that someone somewhere disapproves of you. lots of people disapprove of me because I have my horses on full livery yet have facilities at home and refuse to rent them out (I am therefore a rich bitch) you disapprove of someone asking for help when the world has got on top of them, but she probably disapproves of herself for not giving her horses the care she obviously deems necessary, thus kicking a person when they are down and so I disapprove of your behaviour ... I feel sorry for her cos she’s the only one who disapproves of herself which is a tough place to be... but i think this world needs to be much kinder to people who ask for help as next time she might be scared to and the horses will suffer because of it. To quote Boris, grow up.
 
JulesRules said:
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
Click to expand...

I don’t disagree. But they have asked for help ??‍♀️

And presumably you’re one of those people offering help.
 
JulesRules said:
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
Click to expand...

Why did you bother asking then?

Maybe her back up plan was to get a lift but she can’t share a car due to Covid. Maybe a friend let her down. Maybe she had to use her car savings on a vet bill or whatever. I don’t suppose a year ago any of us who a,ready had horses were thinking that we’d need to plan for lockdown, social distancing or isolating.
 
The way I see it a lot of neglect is caused by people not asking for help when they need it. And a lot of the time the reason that people do not ask for help is because they are ashamed of being in the position of needing a hand, and they fear being judged and found wanting. No one here is saying that it is not necessary to have back up plans, but are all of our back up plans 100% fail proof? Mine are not. Sure my horses are on half livery, but what if the grooms got sick at the same time as me? YO would not be able to do anything beyond the absolute basics for that many horses, and what if he was also sick.

This lady may, as others have said, have had several plans, but they may have failed for other reasons. All you have done by posting these comments on fb is to humiliate her in public and discourage her from asking for help should she need it in the future. These are very difficult times for many people, and some are facing difficulties that they could not have reasonably anticipated. It is not your views that we must have plans in place that I object to, what I find unkind is your assumption that this lady did not have any plans and your willingness to kick someone when they are down by posting on a public forum.

Really we are all just human. We don't know if she made a mistake or was just unlucky with her plans going awry, but asking for help is not a crime, and I believe that most of us here would gladly help in such circumstances.
 
Amymay said:
I don’t disagree. But they have asked for help ??‍♀️

And presumably you’re one of those people offering help.
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This!

Yeah, sure, maybe she should have had a backup plan. But equally, maybe she did have a backup plan but that fell through because her normal groom is isolating or can't get there. It's actually quite tricky if you rent a field and rarely use services to have a freelance groom on standby to step in at any moment, as mostly they prefer to have regular work. Either way, she is clearly trying to sort something out now, it's not like she's just planning to abandon the horses for 10 days.

The owner of my share horse had a horrific accident in August and was airlifted to hospital. She also rents a field and goes every day, rain or shine, and never uses services so doesn't have a groom on standby. Since she was in hospital unconscious, myself and two other friends stepped in and did the horses for her for the best part of a month. Yeah it was a pain and it meant I was doing a lot of driving, but sometimes things happen and people need help.

Either way, if you don't like the way she is trying to find help, maybe the best thing would be to stay out of it instead of trying to make her feel worse.
 
I do get what you’re saying jules

if those horses didn’t have auto water then 9 days is a long time without water for 3xample
 
Frumpoon said:
I do get what you’re saying jules

if those horses didn’t have auto water then 9 days is a long time without water for 3xample
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As I understand the field owner can offer limited support - I am sure that food and water is included in this. I don't think this is a case where there is no care at all that can be provided - just that the owner is in difficult circumstances and needs a hand.
 
It's good to see #bekind is still with us ?My mum is/was my back up, unfortunately she is unable to drive due to a sudden onset medical condition and will be without a license for atleast another 12 months.

A week after this happened we had to isoalte whilst waiting swab results and of course we waited almost 72 hours. Đuring this time I had to rely on the goodwill of others to help me out so this could very easily have been me!

I would keep out if you've got nothing helpful to add she probably feels shit/stressed/harassed enough.
 
If they are near me I am happy to help.i have been in this situation many times and habe been let down by life and my back up plans have gone awry..usually saved by a regular poster here till.she disgracefully dared to sell up and booger off 3hrs away??...I have a mini garage of 5 vehicles various tasks/efficiency...currently only 2.5.could get me there..even been stranded with 0 working..(popped a few off rd to cut costs)garages get overworked..busy/ill. .parts don't arrive..even having 2 on road vehicles isn't foolproof hence the collection..grooms get broken/comit to work..life happens..friends emotionally crash with their own stuff.

Think op.of fb and post here both suitably bashed now..hope you are both ok.pm me if she is in Somerset mendip area
 
JulesRules said:
Just seen an acquaintance ( who is a fb friend) posting on FB. Not a particular friend, someone I used to be on a yard with in the past.

Gist of the post she had had a bit of a bad start to year, due to circumstances (loss of transport) she is unable to get to the field where her horses are for 9 days.

Horses are kept in a private field, just her horses there. Apparently the owner of the field can "help out a bit" but has her own committments. FB acquaintance is looking for someone who is bored in lockdown to help her out with horses.

I've basically replied saying that if she's in a field on her own she should have a backup plan in place in case she can't get down and that her horses are reliant on her.

Part of me is fuming because she's basically saying she can't get to her horses for 9 days unless she gets a taxi which she can't afford. Not a day or so...9 days! What was her plan if she caught COVID and had to self isolate?

Part of me feels like I'm a cow for knocking her when she's down.

Am I a horrible person, or would you all be thinking the same?
Click to expand...
Might think it but wouldn’t say it - and would maybe offer to do a visit.
 
JulesRules said:
I stand by my view.
If you choose to keep your horses in a field on their own, have one car and no other way of getting there if the car is out of action for any reason, it's pretty reasonable to have thought through a back up plan.
My car broke down last week and I was without it for 5 days but I still got to my horses twices day. I've walked to the yard and back in deep snow before when I haven't been able to get my car there.

As horse owners we need to be more responsible.
Click to expand...

How many cars do you think she should have?

She does have another way to get there, a taxi.

She does have a back up, the field owner.

The options are not the best, so she is asking for help. No suggestion the horses will be abandoned. She is asking for help and someone may well jump at the chance. Either because they are at home, bored, or simply because they are kind and can help.

Frumpoon said:
I do get what you’re saying jules

if those horses didn’t have auto water then 9 days is a long time without water for 3xample
Click to expand...

As I understand it, the owner of the field is able to step in short term, but is too busy to want to do 9 days. No suggestion that the field owner won't do the entire 9 days, and it sounds like the poor woman is simply doing the right thing and not taking advantage of the field owner's good nature.

I agree with others, this year was unprecedented.

I am glad that my FB friends are actual friends. I wonder if there is a spot of jealousy in someone having a different set up than a livery yard at play here?

I am also interested as to what happens at the end of 9 days? Is the car mended? I know that car repairs are taking longer in our area due to isolation/distancing.

Are you still a FB friend, do you know? If that had been on my wall, the comment would have been deleted and the 'friend' de-friended pretty quickly! My FB is full of nice people and anyone who detracts from my life is removed.
 
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This is quite a sad thread really, with some nice kindness in some of the responses. It does highlight the different ways that people see and use FaceBook. I personally wouldn't dream of using it to reach out for help, but I know many do and think this is normal.
To answer the question posed
I don't think it is unreasonable to expect people to have back-up plans
I can also understand a cultural difference in being surprised at the use of Facebook
However, I would never belittle anyone who was in trouble and reaching out for help. I'd either offer to help (if I can) or I would scroll on past (and feel sorry for their situation).
There is too much judgement and not enough understanding in the world just now...
 
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