Amusing Comments From Instructors?

Couple of my favourites:

"Stop flapping your arms like a chicken" (rising trot witout stirrups on the lunge!)

"Capital A not C " (from my instructor when i slouch!)

"Stop gazing at him in awe - he's a horse" (having a lunge lesson, apparently i was just staring at him!!! I had only just got him in my defence!)
 
"Your horse looks somewhat like a camel. However, you could argue that some racing camels are extremely valuable." (i'm not sure exactly how she looked like a camel but hey)

"So when exactly did you become a grade nine ballerina?" (toes pointing down when jumping)

"Oh just give him a good slap. He LOVES a good slap." (Donald Kear lol)

"Wow, she's actually starting to look vaguely like a horse."

instructor: "Oh god. Get off, right now!! Quick!"
me: "O_O why?!?" (Daisy was going really well, we were in a group lesson and all cantering in open order, and she was being extremely sane)
instructor: "you need to check her temperature!! She's actually in control!"
me: "X_X Thank you."

Oh and in another group lesson, this time out on part of the cross country course in spring, first time for all the horses since summer last year, so you'd imagine they'd be a bit hyper...well my mum came to watch, and my instructor goes "did you bring your camera? You'll get some really good action shots today!" my mum was like "O_O my poor daughter...!!"

Then later, in the lesson:

instructor: "I'm impressed, your horse is definitely the most relaxed one here today!"
And exactly 5 seconds later....PANIC!!! Rear, buck, rear, spin, bolt, buck, spin....
me: "you were saying?"
 
"Bend at the elbow, lighten the hand - look just pretend you have a broken arm!!! and left it hang free"

"Did you drop something???? then why are you so fascinated with the ground"

"You know its just like flying a plane, there are so many buttons and you really just have to find the right ones to press"
 
Years ago trained with Geoffrey Hatton FBHS who had recently left the army and was used to people doing exactly as he said..
One day he marched into the lesson in the arena and said he was going to wake us all up...
All nine of us rode into the jump field (none of us includng his wife had much jumping experience) and he proceeded to send us round the XC course Now one of his pupils was eventing at quite a high level so those training fences were BIG.
We got over most until a post and rail fence of arund 3' 6". the first 8 all refused including his then wife who turned to him and said she was leaving the lesson.
Me going last was bloody terrified of him so did my utmost to pesuade the horse to jump.
I approached at speed, the horse stopped dead then proceeded to jump the fence from virtually a standstill. This pitched me onto it's bum on landing and it executed a series of fly bucks, me going high in the air then landing completely winded on the rock hard ground.
As I lay there wondering if I were dead or not, a male voice came bellowing across the field "And who gave you permission to dismount!"

Years later I cringe at that fall even now..I wonder what happened to GCH, last heard of he was wearing Jesus sandals and had given up horses..
 
I was told my pony was like the crazy person in the old energy adverts that climbed over the aisles in the supermarket rather than going up and down them. Also 'she looks like a really tough ride, she's harder than she looks'
'Harri, have you ever thought about taking up stunt riding?'
 
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Yes I've had the 'stick your boobs out' comment too, followed by 'pretend you're a page 3 girl!'

sam x

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Me too - stick out your boobies. And in order to keep my hands still - pretend you have a vodka in your hand
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My instructor is great !!!
 
Daft comments:

Headlights ON! - oooo sorry LIGHT SWITCHES!
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Are you a gorolla???(sp) - NO! pick up thoses reins!

Penguins live in South pole on your horse!!

best for getting meduim pace -

Think shake the bottle of champers, and squeeze cork out - NOT do a blooming Grand prix job!!

Kick-on - You're left your brain at work tonite!!! lets have a chat intead
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My best one was 'Its amazing how you've got dressage points' he promptly stood there in embarressment while I was falling about laughing. He had meant to say it was amazing how they all added up so quickly but it came out wrong (or so he tells me!
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One I couldn't resist making to a friend who was learning to ride whilst I was coming back to it after 25 years out.

Friend asked instructor "How does maniscorse sit so still at canter?" I yelled out "Vaginal suction", friend turned to me, "what - not really, how does that work?" and the instructor practically fell over laughing.

We also used to get the "headlights on full" and "pretend you're a page three girl" comments.

Actually there were several rudies.

One girl was having trouble sitting upright - she kept tilting her pelvis back and when she was yelled at to stop messing about and sit up she said "I can't, it hurts my piercings". She stopped having lessons shortly after and "Sit forward, go on, rub those piercings" went into standard yard language.
 
When I was about 12, I was at PC camp and had been bucked off my devil pony for the umpteenth time:
'Have you ever thought about selling your pony?!'
Thing was, the instructor's horse was even more of a lunatic than mine!
 
I've had:

Stick your chest out like a page 3 girl!

Stop saddle sha**ing

Did I say you could dismount? (when I fell off
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Stop f****ng swearing!
 
LOL - I haven't had any comments from instrtuctors, but the horse I did JRN on was a complete nighmare in the dressage - as he had showjumped and to him, car horn or bell menat "Jumping" so I ahd some fairly hillarious comments like - "Well Sat" "Go and enjoy the jumping" anf the best one ever..............."I hope he is better at jumping than he is at dressage"

I'm sure its called Character Building!

JB xx
 
- Do you have children? me - yes. I could tell you are a mum by the way you nagged your horse all the way down to the school

- You call those spurs (my dummy ones) these are what you call spurs (shows me his) a la crocodile Dundee

- Your whip is not this season’s must have accessory, use it, it is not a handbag, in fact I bet you use your handbag more than the whip, why don’t you just put it on your mantelpiece as decoration
 
Many years ago my friend (who is now a rather decent dressage rider) went for a lesson with Robert Pickles. At the end of the lesson, he said (she was expecting things to work on at home) "I suggest that you sell your horse and take up something you would be better suited to - like breeding guinea pigs".

Still makes us crack up to think of it and whenever she has a bad day she says she's going to follow his suggestion!!
 
This thread is brill!
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My instructors fave to me is 'stop ruddy clucking at him, you aren't a chicken and neither is he!'
One lad at college was considered to be being a wimp by instructor and he got shouted at him'(name) stop riding like a w****r' It was funny because she was such a quiet gentle instructor and usually doesn't speak above a whisper.
 
do you have elbow joints? use them

i think you've got the concept of jumping wrong - you're meant to go over it not through it

stick youre bum in, you look like a duck! xxx
 
Trot on ... Wind in the hair - Flies on the teeth
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A girl on the yard went to a neighbour to try a pony out which proceeded to p!ss off with her up the lane. The owner said "Tell your mother to buy you a poodle instead"
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The latest ... Helen, do you have Turrets? Well, why do you keep swearing over X?
 
Whilst having a flatwork lesson instructor told us to take away our stirrups and stretch our legs long.

Then said "Right then, all you girlies...grab that flabby bit at the top of your legs and pull it out the back...there....now they lie better, don' they?"

Also "sit up STRAIGHT! Pretend you've got a broom handle stuck up your a*se!"

And because I am rather large chested, when doing sitting trot..."For Gods Sake! Buy yourself a good sports bra before you give yourself a black eye with those things!" (this was my best friend...heavy on the WAS!)
 
"Ride like you've got ****'s boobs" - oh and I was riding with said friend at the time
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"For the 10th time, change your ******* diagonal"

"No pain, no gain" as I had my arms tied together with plaiting cotton
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"Vicky, you are riding a half horse, half cow - he is and I repeat NOT GOING TO take off with you"

"That was utter crap - you know it was crap, I know it was crap then why are you letting yourself ride to that bad a level - GO DO IT AGAIN" - all over just 1 canter transition
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Many years ago my friend (who is now a rather decent dressage rider) went for a lesson with Robert Pickles. At the end of the lesson, he said (she was expecting things to work on at home) "I suggest that you sell your horse and take up something you would be better suited to - like breeding guinea pigs".

Still makes us crack up to think of it and whenever she has a bad day she says she's going to follow his suggestion!!

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that's classic Robert

I can't remember what he said to me, but it wasn't complimentary as pony tanked off for the 4th in same lesson
 
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