Amusing Comments From Instructors?

Think the ex army instructor in question borrowed it from someone else but still was very very funny (apologies if offensive to those who are religious).
Taking a girl who was beaming with pride at riding a circuit of canter to one side the said instructor then yelled:
"If Jesus has rode his donkey the way you have just ridden that horse he deserved to be crucified"

Other favs included:
1.Who gave you permission to dismount (when anyone fell off)
2. One side of this partnership is lazy, not listening to commands and is basically un-trainable ...the other is a horse.
 
Why did you throw yourself off over that perfectly good jump?

Also have had the steptoe them tune hummed at me as i walked in the arena for my lesson .

There were loads and loads more but I can't remember them now.
 
"For god's sake, stick your tits out" - a common one by the sounds of it!

"How many times have I told you to sit up-I might as well bang my head against a brick wall and I'd get more response"

As I went up a grid - "Look up, look up, look up-for f**ks sake bloody well look up, the wind might change and then you'd be stuck looking like a retard....."
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not very PC.....
 
"Nipples east & west"

"You know, the think that mare is actually into s&m"

And my favourite, at a stressage clinic witha well known rider said in a thick german accent - "Put your hands closer to your muff"...he was actually reffering to my sheepskin halfpad!!
 
Ohh I forgot one - my favourite actually.

A group of Instructors at the yard I used to work at were having a stage 4 lesson - we had all been there for about 9 months and had recently passed our stage 3.

He called us all round and said to me "you were the worst rider here when you came, absolutely rubbish - no natural talent at all, and now you are the best - if you lot had worked as hard as she has you would be out doing Grand Prix by now"

I could just about manage a Novice test at the time!

I think it was meant as a compliment - very will disguised though!

I think PG will be able to work out who said that!
 
This is a great post.

Some of the comments shouted at my daughter:

"Don't P1ss me off"

"Oh I can see I've got a smart 4rse on my hands"

"elbow, elbow, elbow - how many times do I have to mention your effing elbow" (Instructor actually tied her arms down with baling twine one week to stop her poking her elbow out).

"What is the effing problem with your diagonal"

"If you don't like it, you can get out of my lesson"

There have been loads over the years, too many funnies to remember.
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I used to work for and have lessons with a rather eccentric dressage lady,
there are many random comments she used to come out with but the best was

**said in a very plummy voice**

'girl you have fat thighs, I used to have fat thighs but then I had my children, have you considered having a baby '

being 18 and just about to head off to Uni I didn't think my parents would appreciate that tactic to improve my riding!
 
I have a Robert Pickles one too!! Last year in a private lesson he was riding my horse (who I thought had gone quite well for me) when he said "Yes, I spend a lot of my time unblocking horses for middle-aged women who have made them stiff in the neck". Um, I'm 42, do you think he meant me?
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In a side saddle lesson

"Headlights to the front!" and "Are you married? Imagine you are with your husband!".

Having fallen heavily and painfully from rather large horsey,

"Who said you could have a F***g rest, get the f***k up!"
 
'Boss is like a dodgy jumbo jet- at the moment he's flying and you could get over anything but one day he's going to crash and it could be disasterous'
 
LOL great thread!
Quite often get 'stick your boobs out and sit on your a*se' and 'its ears wont fall off if you stop looking at them!' (i blame my trainers, they both look down
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), and last week i got 'turn your boobs to the ouside so i can't see them anymore' to which i replied 'you shouldn't be looking at them anyway'.
when it goes wrong i get 'crap, that was b*llocks, do it again' x
 
From my current instructor who is obsessed with the perfect position and is constantly manipulating me to get me sitting right: "You don't mind if I keep poking you do you?"

Also - "That was crap, do it again. Better, do it again. That was ok, do it again, gooooood .......... do it again. That was perfect. *long pause* do it again"

Also whilst cantering a 15m circle with my instructor in the middle - "look at me, look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!!" then me, pleading "If I don't look forwards I might crash into the wall" Instructor "it's a horse your driving not a car - it's got eyes, you won't crash!!"


The most stupid thing an instructor has ever done to me was around 12 years ago I was having a lesson on my mare who was in season and playing up a bit. At the time I had a really bad habit of tipping forward in trot and the instructor said "imagine you have a stick down your back, keeping you in a straight position" She then had the bright idea to go get the yard's brush and proceeded to stick the broom handle down my back underneath my jacket. I then had to ride around for 5/10 minutes with the broom shank down my back and a brush behind my head. The worst part about this tale however - it could have ended so differently. About 2 minutes after she took the broom shank out, something scared my mare and she took off across the school (it was an outdoor school) and bronco'd with me until I was thrown against the brick dwarf wall at the end. I fractured my cocxix - if I had still had the broom down my back I've a feeling I wouldn't be sitting typing this now.
 
Heard during a jumping lesson.........

"Funky chicken, praying mantis" a reference to elbows I believe!
 
...unlike others I had : you are the girl with two backs! (I don't have a lot in the booby department, but there is no need to comment!!)
 
Brilliant post!

I was on a mare that suddenly bolted with me in the arena and as I was flying around at 150mph the instructor shouted to me " ooops never mind! Heels down and BREATHE Amanda......she will stop soon I am sure!"
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Then a friend once whispered under her breathe as I went flying past her out on a hack "Bye see Ya wouldn't wanna be Ya!"
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Not exactly comforting words I thought!

I don't get tanked off with often honestly
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In fact I think that was the only two times.
 
After a recent lesson when horsy had been a bit naughty my instructor said "i thought you were going to be wallpaper" She also says my horse does not know its position in the food chain!
 
Lol, I love this thread! I've had a few...

"...the one with the short fat hairy legs...oh, and the pony!"
"Have you ever considered taking up golf? Or knitting perhaps?"
"Absolute boll*cks...do it again"
 
Ive never really had dodgy comments, not that I can remember. The only thing I always remember was from some Dutch dressage guy who would scream at the top of his lungs (in a very Dutch accent) "LIFT THOSE DAMN HANDS", he would say it over and over and over and over and over again! No other trainers have told me to lift my hands.......

Otherwise Ive had the occasional "you're lucky you have such an honest horse", "jeez, you really are blonde aren't you?" and "what the hell was that?!"
 
Well the other week I got.. " your horse needs to lift up through his back...you need to lose weight" said very matter of factly
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Terry Allen lessons

" Sit on your sex! Siiiiit on yooooooour seeeeeeeeeeeeeex!"
"You stupid *****!....Oh well done! Well done clever girl!"

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at the BRS when cantering in pairs out on the round canter (we had headphones to hear instructors) Mr Sparkes was saying very calmy to me 'Chloe, you are going approx 40mph, Frileux can go faster, I suggest you try to stop' (when I was swinging off the back as hard as possible, and Miss D was yelling through her mouthpiece 'FEET AND HANDS ON THE DASHBOARD CHLO,') and then when I had lapped my mate I heard Miss D say 'Hold tight, shes coming past!'
 
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