Anyone else just think they can't do this?

I'm glad you're feeling more positive and have made some decisions, I was worried about you last night, I'm sure everyone was.

A practical idea, could you suggest to your MIL that she take in a livery without charge in return for them looking after her horse Mon-Fri. That seems reasonable to me, there must be plenty of people who would look after another horse in return for free stabling and grazing. You could suggest it would be like having her own private groom and it wouldn't cost her anything! That way you could do your girlie and your OH's horses with his assistance when he's off work. It would also give you some company during the week, I think that would help make the work less of a chore if you had someone to chat to and have fun with. I hated being on my own all the time!
 
Dump him, dump his mum, dump their yard. Get out and find your feet. I have been in an abusive relationship, it took the police to eventually get rid of him and even that wasn't straight forward. Even now, years on I have moments where I think I still love him... but then I remember how he made me lose my horse and quickly recover from my insanity!! Yes, whilst I was with him I couldn't imagine life without him, but I haven't looked back since leaving. I am now fully independant of any man and have a gorgeous horse no one can take away from me! :D

If he sends your horse back, good. It means you can get out, sort yourself out and get it on loan on your own terms elsewhere :o

Good luck xx
 
Cedars, I just wanted to add a little something

I am not going to outright say whether or not you should leave, that can only be your decision and you should not be influenced by others.

You say that he is the main earner and you feel indebted to him to pay your way. Now I'm not saying you should be a free loader.... but my husband is by far the main earner in our house. I basically pay for my horse, my car and any left over money goes towards luxuries we want. My husband pays the mortgage, ALL the bills, holidays etc etc. I am self employed and sometimes I won't even earn enough to pay for what I am meant to. However, I in no way feel indebted to him. I do sometimes feel I am blatently spending "his" money just to enjoy myself without him, like going to HOYS/Olympia, but I don't feel guilty. He is happy for me to go. At the moment, we have no children, but this is what we decided together to do when we got married. I assume he supported you in your decision to go to Uni? I do do nearly all of the housework, but sometimes it doesn't all get done and he may help me out and he works 12 hours + a day. What I trying to say is that I know my husband loves me and would never try and make me feel I have to earn my keep. That is not how a loving relationship works.

Anyway, I hope you understand what I am trying to say. :)
 
Shygirl said:
A practical idea, could you suggest to your MIL that she take in a livery without charge in return for them looking after her horse Mon-Fri. That seems reasonable to me, there must be plenty of people who would look after another horse in return for free stabling and grazing. You could suggest it would be like having her own private groom and it wouldn't cost her anything!
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But isn't that the situation at the moment? Cedars is getting free livery for her horse in return for looking after MILs horse.
 
Cedars said:
I do talk to him - and all I get back is a load of 'well you don't pay for anything' 'i'm sending your horse back if you wont do mine' 'we wont be together if you wont do the horses' 'you're so ungrateful, my mother houses your horse for free'.
...
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Cedars said:
I am unbelievably lonely, because I never have any time for friends! Any time I would spend with friends gets a 'well you could have spent that time poo picking'.
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Cedars said:
Nope - he won't propose - 'we're too young'.
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Cedars said:
... and when we're happy we're amazing, but this isn't working for me with all of the rest of my life so in turmoil too. So something has to change.
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Cedars said:
... apart from this, we ARE pretty perfect. ..
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Hmmm.

You are painting a very different picture of him from the one you usually paint of how caring and supportive he is. Odd that he should have changed so much.

It is pretty clear that

a) he and his mother are bullying you
b) you are unhappy
c) the two of you are not perfect at all
d) he will never ask you to marry him

I am amazed you were able to write so much and so coherently when you have the flu. Most people just collapse in bed.
 
*waves back*

So it's been going on for over a year? Clearly Cedars has no intention of doing anything about it then!

Much easier to come on and seek a bit of attention on here than be proactive and sort herself out! :D
 
I feel very sorry for the position you find yourself in and can well appreciate your strong relationship with your horse.
However, your boyfriend and his mother sound as if they are taking total advantage of you and this will not change.
Neither is the situation you find yourself going to put you in the frame of mind of studying and completing your course.
If you want to free yourself from all this then you are going to have to walk away from the entire situation you find yourself in.
Find yourself some alternative accomodation and move out and have no more contact with them.
You can then get on with your life - complete your studies - and get a worthwhile job.
 
Sidesaddle said:
Hmmm.

You are painting a very different picture of him from the one you usually paint of how caring and supportive he is. Odd that he should have changed so much.

It is pretty clear that

a) he and his mother are bullying you
b) you are unhappy
c) the two of you are not perfect at all
d) he will never ask you to marry him
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SS; sharp as always (in more ways than one!). I think you're spot on ;)
 
Spring Feather said:
But isn't that the situation at the moment? Cedars is getting free livery for her horse in return for looking after MILs horse.
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Yes but she is looking after 4 horses and that is too much, especially with the poo picking. If her MIL's horse could be looked after by someone else and that person help with the picking, other general yard chores etc then I feel it would make it less onerous on Cedars and give her some company. It doesn't sound much like her MIL would be likely to employ someone to help so this might be a solution? Looking after 4 stabled horses and poo picking fields with no assistance every day on top of trying to do a full time course really is a lot.
You make it sound like she is just looking after her MIL's horse in return for livery which would be fair, but she's also looking after the other 2 which are her OH's so it's caring for 3 that aren't her own.
Cedars, you are her daughter in law in effect, you should be treated as part of the family. My parents would never charge my OH livery (that is if he liked horses....) as he's part of our family.
 
Shygirl said:
Yes but she is looking after 4 horses and that is too much, especially with the poo picking. If her MIL's horse could be looked after by someone else and that person help with the picking, other general yard chores etc then I feel it would make it less onerous on Cedars and give her some company. It doesn't sound much like her MIL would be likely to employ someone to help so this might be a solution? Looking after 4 stabled horses and poo picking fields with no assistance every day on top of trying to do a full time course really is a lot.
You make it sound like she is just looking after her MIL's horse in return for livery which would be fair, but she's also looking after the other 2 which are her OH's so it's caring for 3 that aren't her own.
Cedars, you are her daughter in law in effect, you should be treated as part of the family. My parents would never charge my OH livery (that is if he liked horses....) as he's part of our family.
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The BFs horses have nothing to do with Cedars looking after the MILs horse in exchange for free livery. That's a seperate deal that Cedars has made with her BF whereby he pays for most of the bills in exchange for Cedars looking after his 2 horses. I'm confused how can you say that someone else would be happy to have free livery for their horse in exchange for looking after 3 horses .... but when that person is Cedars it's not acceptable? :confused:
 
amymay said:
No Ceders is getting free livery for managing a yard of four horses. There is a big difference.
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If that's how you see it fair enough. The way I see it is Cedars gets free livery for looking after MILs horse and she gets free board and lodgings for herself for looking after BFs horses. All mighty strange but if that's the understanding Cedars has come to with these people then it's up to her to change things if she no longer finds it acceptable.
 
Spring Feather said:
I'm confused how can you say that someone else would be happy to have free livery for their horse in exchange for looking after 3 horses .... but when that person is Cedars it's not acceptable? :confused:
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I didn't say anything of the sort, I said if someone looked after her MIL's horse in return for livery and left Cedars to do her own and her boyfriend's 2. I think free livery in return for looking after 1 horse is fair but not, as amymay said, managing a yard of 4 horses and being worked into the ground.

You are right that it's a very strange arrangement though, I can't imagine anyone in my family acting like that - ever! I just don't get why she's being required to work for her livery in the first place, this woman is her MIL who took her in!!!
 
Shygirl said:
I didn't say anything of the sort, I said if someone looked after her MIL's horse in return for livery and left Cedars to do her own and her boyfriend's 2.
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My apologies, I did misquote you. I find it all a little too strange. Bartering is great so long as it works for everyone involved.

galaxy23 said:
to me, if they are in a serious commited relationship neither she nor her OH should be looking at it this way. Just my opinion, but I don't think that's how successful, loving relationships work.
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I agree it's quite a strange setup.
 
OK, great that you have had a thrash out with the OH but…
these two people are actually quite hideous so don’t underestimate them. You come across as quite firm after your chat with your OH, but actually these people have walked all over you. You going ‘boo’ to them is unlikely to scare them off for long or change them in the long term.

Cedars said:
On the weekend, I expect not to be responsible for her horse for 3 half days. As she should be doing at the very least Sat night, Sun morning and Sun night.
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What happened to Saturday morning? I can already see a gap for the hideous pair to slither through. You don’t buy a horse and keep it at home then expect someone else to pick up the slack

Cedars said:
She also needs to learn how to do her own horse. No more excuses-I expect her to be capable of bringing her own horse in from the field, changing it's rugs and picking its feet out as a very minimum. Im not expecting her to be able to tack the mare up because she IS difficult, but I am certainly not babysitting her any more.
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If you telling her to do it will make her do it then I will eat my hairnet.

Cedars said:
However on his day off he needs to step up and do some jobs.
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This is where I will eat my second hairnet.

Cedars said:
I've also decided that I will be using the school, il learn to grade it properly so that i dont damage it, and that's final-I have a youngster, she needs time in the school, end of.
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Right on. It is a school, it can take threequarters of a ton of horse jumping up and down on it, subzero temperatures and torrential rain. It is going to stand a wee slip of a girl whizzing round on a quad. It is a school not a piece of fine china.

I hope I don’t sound too negative, these two will take some steamrolling over so don’t leave even a chink of a compromise up for grabs. Remember to value yourself.
 
Guys... I think we all have to understand that families are different from one another. If my father had stables, he wouldn't just give away free livery even to my OH...

After reading all of this, I started thinking about the whole arrangement differently. You have to think of how much grooms actually get paid (the ones that work for riding schools, etc.). In my understanding, not much. Then, you have to look at how much it actually costs to keep Cedars horse and her lodging, etc. If it's about the same, I guess the arrangement should work.


The question really is... Would Cedars be prepared to move out, pay for her own flat and the livery? She'd have to get a job for that... One where working hours may just be the same as her current yard duties...
 
galaxy23 said:
Cedars, I just wanted to add a little something

I am not going to outright say whether or not you should leave, that can only be your decision and you should not be influenced by others.

You say that he is the main earner and you feel indebted to him to pay your way. Now I'm not saying you should be a free loader.... but my husband is by far the main earner in our house. I basically pay for my horse, my car and any left over money goes towards luxuries we want. My husband pays the mortgage, ALL the bills, holidays etc etc. I am self employed and sometimes I won't even earn enough to pay for what I am meant to. However, I in no way feel indebted to him. I do sometimes feel I am blatently spending "his" money just to enjoy myself without him, like going to HOYS/Olympia, but I don't feel guilty. He is happy for me to go. At the moment, we have no children, but this is what we decided together to do when we got married. I assume he supported you in your decision to go to Uni? I do do nearly all of the housework, but sometimes it doesn't all get done and he may help me out and he works 12 hours + a day. What I trying to say is that I know my husband loves me and would never try and make me feel I have to earn my keep. That is not how a loving relationship works.

Anyway, I hope you understand what I am trying to say. :)
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This is very very well put and I do think Cedars that you should read this and take it on board.
True love does not make you feel like you are freeloading or you have to repay their "kindnes" with slave labour.
If it were me....I would go home to Mum and Dad for a day or two and see what they say.
Good luck.
 
Wow this is a very long and in depth post! I wish I could read every single post but I THINK I have got the jist of things.

I think everything has been covered that could be, but basically, like most have said your BF has no right to use your horse, his horse, whatever....A horse as blackmail to make you work, or what I see it as, slave labour. It sounds like they've taken you under their wing and made an illusion that they have done a lot for you when really...you're doing a lot for them. If it wasn't for you who would look after the horses? I think you're really doing it for the horses sake, not theirs because I know who I would rather do it for.

Just think if this was a job you were at. Seeing to the horses every day for no pay just to live there, you're right in thinking it isn't right because you just wouldn't do that! You could go somewhere and be employed by someone to be a groom but you would get paid, receive rides and probably be much better treat.

As for the relationship side of things, it is entirely your decision but....there's plenty more fish in the sea.

Good luck with things and I hope the "talk" goes well. Keep us informed :)
 
Sidesaddle said:
*waves back*

So it's been going on for over a year? Clearly Cedars has no intention of doing anything about it then!

Much easier to come on and seek a bit of attention on here than be proactive and sort herself out! :D
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I've also just remembered something....didn't Cedars leave because the OH found out about the thread in Soapbox when she was being somewhat negative towards him....?

I guess that lesson went out the window then!
 
Can't go home to mum and dad but I appreciate the sentiment.

Still feel totally rubbish today, but feeling clearer and the situation is still the same as I see it. I can't carry on doing the level that I do with the horses. And I love my OH to the bottom of my heart and back again, so I'm not going to give up on him. So something has to change. I can't see ME suggesting to my mil that things change will work, but my OH certainly can talk to her about it.

I love him, I love our life and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and being his-but I'm just at a breaking point with this now!

WHW ringing me back tomorrow so thats good.

Fingers crossed we can persuade his mother!! I'm sure we can. At the end of the day if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Right?! These things always work themselves out. Xxx
 
I have only read the first page, but it looks to me that the BF and his mother are taking advantage of the situation and treating the OP as a skivvy. Yes, I do think it is fair for the OP to look after the horses as it allows the others to work and therefore pay for accommodation for both horses and humans. It is NOT fair for them to use this as a tool to blackmail the OP.

You are obviously a very unhappy person, OP. Please find someone or something that makes YOU happy - life is too short!
 
Sometimes all you need to do is talk, but at the end of the day's it's your life and you are responsible for it.

It's often harder to walk away than it is to stay.
 
Sorry I haven't read all of the replies but I feel really sorry for you. :( Your OH and his mother sound horrible tbh!! Sounds to like they are taking advantage of you and you need to show them you are not prepared to let them walk all over you. Glad to see you have contacted the WHW about your horse, hopefully they will be able to sort out changing it over to your name so she is properly, seeming as you look after her all of the time and pay for her anyway! As for looking for somewhere to live, if your at Uni, couldn't you rent a flat near to your Uni or something? If i were you, I would get you and your horse out and away from your OH and his mother asap. Good luck and keep us updated. :)
 
Cedars said:
I love him, I love our life and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and being his-but I'm just at a breaking point with this now!

WHW ringing me back tomorrow so thats good.

Fingers crossed we can persuade his mother!! I'm sure we can. At the end of the day if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Right?! These things always work themselves out. Xxx
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This is going to sound harsh but I think you are deluded and attention seeking. All of this is your life and your descicion to make but having read some of your previous posts about various things it feels like you cry wolf - a lot - so don't be surprised when you really need help there is no one there to help you:o
 
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