Are horses making you delay starting a family?

[MissMincePie&Brandy]

Saw a TV programme recently about women leaving having children until an older age and even with all medical advances it still means reduced fertility and a higher percentage of risk of having a child with a disability, if you can conceive in the first place.

What was the type of age they were talking about on the programme?

 

[jendie]

I'm sure horses and kids can be done with a bit of organising. Horse, kids and a demanding job would be a bit more difficult to juggle. It is best, and easiest to have babies in the 20s or early 30s, after that fertility tends to drop off. But I don't think there is any great necessity to have children. If you are not 100 per cent sure then it is best NOT to become pregnant and possibly resent a child who is preventing you from fulfillling your dreams. There are plenty of humans on the planet and you don't need to add yours!

Childbirth is do-able and a lot less painful than some nasty falls. It is the caring for the child that wears you out!

 

[trina1982]

What was the type of age they were talking about on the programme?

If it's the one I saw, then the doctors were urging women that definately wanted children to have made a start 'trying' by 35. Most doctors won't refer you to a specialist until you've tried for at least a year with no luck. Then you get referred for diagnostics and then treatment, possibly clomid for 6 months, then itra-uterine insemination (his 'stuff' squirted in you with a catheter) then IVF. They won't do IVF over 40 (on the NHS) as a rule, which by the time all the above has occured you will be getting close to that. Leaving it later than 35 will vastly reduce your chances of help if you find you have a problem.

The other thing to consider, for those wanting to wait, is that the older you get the more likely you are to have twins (because your ovaries start to go a bit haywire and release more than one egg!).

Anyone trying at the moment - i send my best pregnancy vibes your way. Good luck

Trina x

 

[Sandylou]

The other thing to consider, for those wanting to wait, is that the older you get the more likely you are to have twins (because your ovaries start to go a bit haywire and release more than one egg!).

Sounds good to me - get 2 out in one go = Job done!! My OH's grandmothers on both sides were twins, does that increase the chance of twins too??

 

[MissMincePie&Brandy]

Sounds good to me - get 2 out in one go = Job done!!

ha ha, I was just thinking that too . Only one lot of organising someone to ride the horses for 9 months - how sad am I?

 

[Sandylou]

ha ha, I was just thinking that too . Only one lot of organising someone to ride the horses for 9 months - how sad am I?

Not sad at all!!
The word convenient springs to my mind!

 

[Ladylina83]

This crosses my mind too - I really want to have kids ideally before I am 30 and I am 28 now ....eek - OH says not before we have our own house ! So we are moving into his folks at the end of this month to save up a deposit. ASAP

To fit round my horses it would be ideal if I could get pregnant now as my old girl is quite happy being left to her own devices and I have her son who turns 1 next week - however I have a great long term contract (ie no maternity pay package) at the moment set to take me through to 2013 and it pays well so will help with the house plus I love it !

I know that if I wait then I will have set up a better life for my future family - although this might not be the best route education wise for my little man I will find a way around it Lots of people cope !

 

[KerslakeEquestrian]

I never wanted kids but after falling pregnant "by accident" I am glad I now have my 9.5 month little boy. He is my world and I wouldn't want to be without him now. I def. would recommend having kids to everyone. Don't worry about childbirth - once it's in there it has to come out regardless and there is nothing you can do!

I have 1 mare who I am re-training at present. I rode up until 7 months and was back on the day after my 6 week check up! In between my Instructor rode her once a week. I still ride between 3 and 4 times a week including a weekly lesson so it is do-able as well as working full-time. However, I have a very understanding and supportive OH and wouldn't find myself able to do what I do without him.

 

[DuckToller]

If it's the one I saw, then the doctors were urging women that definately wanted children to have made a start 'trying' by 35. Most doctors won't refer you to a specialist until you've tried for at least a year with no luck. Then you get referred for diagnostics and then treatment, possibly clomid for 6 months, then itra-uterine insemination (his 'stuff' squirted in you with a catheter) then IVF. They won't do IVF over 40 (on the NHS) as a rule, which by the time all the above has occured you will be getting close to that. Leaving it later than 35 will vastly reduce your chances of help if you find you have a problem.
x

I would say that early thirties is the latest you should leave it. The cut-off age for NHS IVF is 36 in most areas, and as you say it takes a good year to get through all the cheaper stuff they try first, so if you didn't start trying until 35, you are unlikely to get IVF within a year and by then you are conveniently over their age limit.

Fertility drastically declines after the age of 36. Some lucky people are fertile until their 40s, but most are not - you won't know until you try, and then it may well be too late.

I was never maternal, loved my horses, and then suddenly realised time was marching on. Luckily I fell pregnant the first time. I wanted a few years gap between children, so didn't try for no. 2 for a while - by which time my ovaries had pickled and it wasn't an option.

With hindsight I wish I had started a few years earlier. As several have said, you don't always realise how much you will enjoy having a child and being a parent - it's totally different to having to put up with other people's. Having my daughter is the best thing I have ever done - way over any achievement I might have had with a horse. We've had such fun over the years, hacking out, going to little local shows, joining Pony Club (which opened up a whole new friendship group for me too), then affiliating etc.

I was happy to be her groom and enjoyed her successes more than if they were mine. I have a wall full of photos of places we have been, and got far more enjoyment watching her compete at amazing places, than if I had done it myself. Now she is older I have bought myself a horse and booked a few lessons and may start competing again - and I bet she will offer her services as my groom and chastise me for forgetting the course/not using my legs/losing my gloves etc

 

[nikCscott]

Love this thread. It's made me realise I'm not the only one
I'm sure if it happens I'll be over the moon, and I'll find a way to cope with my horses, dog, work, house keeping, baby... I’ll just have to juggle and put more effort into time keeping, probably not spend half my 'work time' on HHO, etc. I just hope I'm able to keep it all together - emotionally and physically.

I think the worst is the fear of the not knowing; before you have something you don't know what you’re missing, and it's hard to imagine how something that will change your life so dramatically will work out.

Don't worry about keeping it together. Having horses is actually a good taster towards having children and once you be come a Mum you become a machine and it is amazing what you can achieve in a day- I sometime wonder what I was doing with all my time before.

I've got 2 young girls, 2 horses, 2 dogs and my husband works abroad for 6 weeks at a time and is only in uk for 60 days a year, so have some serious juggling - usually the only that slides is the housework but it'll still be there the next day! The girls and I have a fab busy life

 

[Moo Wills]

I have always wanted children and OH and i have agreed that after we're married (next summer) we'll start trying - by that point i'll be almost 28.

I'm very much a glass is half empty person so have always thought that there might be problems/ complications so have wanted to start in my late 20's

We own 2 horses who are both 12 and they will not be sold unless there is no other possible way on earth. OH loves them as much as me and will be happy for me to carry on with tasks as long as i'm comfortable and safe (otherwise we'd both go insane!!)
It's nice to hear that couples do manage with children and horses. I can't wait to be pushing a pram around the yard or in a field poo picking however, i won't be pushing them in to horses (i was and hated it for 10 years!)

I have a friend who didn't think she wanted children but unfortunately changed her mind when it was too late

 

[Horses24-7]

I always think that nobody really regrets having their children only people regret not having them!

I've done it the other way round, had my first at 21 and just had my 2nd at 25. I met my husband when I was 15! so we decided to have a family young so we can have our freedom back more when were in our 30's!

Just another way to look at it! Worked for me! Kept my horses the whole time and was back on board within a fortnight. It is hard juggling a baby and a horse but it is doable

And the best bit is now my eldest is 4 she has her own pony and we go to the yard together. It great seeing jeer enjoying it as much as me. Ijust feel sorry for my OH... A horse mad wife and daughter he's hoping our 6 month old daughter will like mountain biking! Lol

 

[Sandylou]

so we decided to have a family young so we can have our freedom back more when were in our 30's!

I've already said that I wished I'd had children early. The further into your twenties you go the more you enjoy your time, money and horses and so it becomes harder to give it up! You're very smart Horses24-7!

 

[Kelpie]

Great thread!

I'm 34 next month so although I don't feel like I want kids now, it does worry me that I might suddenly have a desire to when I'm in my 40's and then find I can't. But what to do - have kids now when I don't really feel I want them, just because I might want them later? That doesn't sound right either?

Also, what if (heaven forbid!) I had a kid that didn't like horses!!! How does anyone cope with that?!? (if ever I do see a kid and think "ah, maybe that would be nice" it's only ever really a because I've just seen a little girl being cute with her pony - most of the time I see kids I generally want to lock them in a sound proof room and run away from them!)

 

[Christmas Crumpet]

I'm 34 and 5 months pregnant due in November. OH and I got married last year. I've spent the last god knows how many years hunting all winter and working full time and doing what I want to do when I want to do it!!!

I don't have an acute sense that my biological clock is ticking but I did realise that time was of the essence and this baby was in the plan of things we wanted to do.

I am already worrying about how I'm going to keep horse fit to hunt when we have no family near us to help with childcare but as OH says, where there's a will, there's a way. After all, I have managed to exercise a horse before work every day throughout the winter in the dark. We have just moved house and riding not so good but again - I'm sure I'll find a way. We are lucky to live in a very quiet area so hopefully should be ok to ride in the gloom!! As long as I'm home by 8 a.m - we'll be fine!!

I'm sure my priorities will change once baby is here but OH is adament that I keep my horse and go hunting on a Sat when he'll have baby and if I don't want to go then he will!!!

I know life is going to change 100% but am looking forward to it and am sure it will do me good to not be thoroughly selfish and me, me, me!! Guess it means I'll enjoy my day's hunting even more as I will appreciate the me time!!

 

[Magister]

I was absolutely convinced I didnt want children.
Then age 39 I got pregnant by accident. To begin with I was very put out,then gradually came round to the idea until I was very enthusiastic.
Then I had a miscarriage and realised how much I really did want a child. I was lucky and fell pregnant straight away again and now have a beautiful little girl.
I cant believe how close I came to missing out on something amazing.
Having said all that If I hadnt got pregnant by accident in the first place I dont think I would be bothered now if I didnt have kids if that makes sense.
Yes it did bring my competing to a dead halt and riding these days is a huge luxury but I am patiently waiting until she is old enough that we can ride together!.
If you have helpful babysitters/relatives then it is very doable. I dont have any help with babysitting but have no regrets. (Apart from odd moments when they throw up in the back of the car!!).

 

[trottingon]

I didn't deliberately put off having children- the opposite in fact, I've been broody since I was a teenager, all I ever wanted was to get married and have children (not in a desperate way, I just blindly assumed it would happen to me at some point but then time ran away with me). However I never seemed to meet any decent men I wanted to settle down with, and by the time I met my OH I was mid-thirties, so by the time we decided we were serious enough to stay together and think about a family I was late-thirties, I'm now approaching my mid-40s and have never managed to get pregnant. This leaves me feeling emotionally absolutely devastated, part of my reason for living hasn't been fulfilled. I'm struggling to hold back the tears as I type this. (OH won't consider adoption or fostering, and I've been working on him for some time now). There's nothing better than spending time with friend's children, and the children who come down to the yard, but if a baby comes within 20 feet of me I have to walk away as I'm overcome with hurt and envy.

If it wasn't for me being able to spend my time nurturing my youngster and my dog I honestly don't know how I would cope with my feelings. So horses haven't delayed me starting a family, but they are helping me to cope with my life without one.

My advice - don't let anything delay you starting a family, if you've met the right person and you know you will want children with them at some point, make sure you give yourself plenty of time just in case it takes longer than you think.

 

[peaceandquiet1]

I was never maternal but OH wanted kids and although it was hard when they were little the time passes really fast. Now, with two pony mad daughters aged 12 and 7 and a lego mad son aged 10 our whole life still manages to revolve round horses. The three of us ride in the school together now and I have never had so much pleasure as watching them ride and compete. I tend to compete in the winter and take a back seat in the summer to let them go to shows, pony club etc. And I would agree with the person who said children are a gift not a right. All those people who talk about whether or not they want kids should remember that there are no guarantees.

 

[tallyho!]

Horses aren't delaying starting my family - lack of husband & too much work is though

If someone said to me tomorrow, lets get married and have kids, I'd be like - see ya horsey!

 

[trina1982]

I didn't deliberately put off having children- the opposite in fact, I've been broody since I was a teenager, all I ever wanted was to get married and have children (not in a desperate way, I just blindly assumed it would happen to me at some point but then time ran away with me). However I never seemed to meet any decent men I wanted to settle down with, and by the time I met my OH I was mid-thirties, so by the time we decided we were serious enough to stay together and think about a family I was late-thirties, I'm now approaching my mid-40s and have never managed to get pregnant. This leaves me feeling emotionally absolutely devastated, part of my reason for living hasn't been fulfilled. I'm struggling to hold back the tears as I type this. (OH won't consider adoption or fostering, and I've been working on him for some time now). There's nothing better than spending time with friend's children, and the children who come down to the yard, but if a baby comes within 20 feet of me I have to walk away as I'm overcome with hurt and envy.

If it wasn't for me being able to spend my time nurturing my youngster and my dog I honestly don't know how I would cope with my feelings. So horses haven't delayed me starting a family, but they are helping me to cope with my life without one.

My advice - don't let anything delay you starting a family, if you've met the right person and you know you will want children with them at some point, make sure you give yourself plenty of time just in case it takes longer than you think.

I feel so sad for you and your circumstance I have friends who have had to accept it won't happen for them and although on the surface they have put on a brave face, i can't help but feel there is a lot of heartache behind closed doors. It's a huge thing to come to terms with.
I'm glad you have your horse to help you through. They are amazingly therapeutic.

Trina x

 

[Vickijay]

I didn't deliberately put off having children- the opposite in fact, I've been broody since I was a teenager, all I ever wanted was to get married and have children (not in a desperate way, I just blindly assumed it would happen to me at some point but then time ran away with me). However I never seemed to meet any decent men I wanted to settle down with, and by the time I met my OH I was mid-thirties, so by the time we decided we were serious enough to stay together and think about a family I was late-thirties, I'm now approaching my mid-40s and have never managed to get pregnant. This leaves me feeling emotionally absolutely devastated, part of my reason for living hasn't been fulfilled. I'm struggling to hold back the tears as I type this. (OH won't consider adoption or fostering, and I've been working on him for some time now). There's nothing better than spending time with friend's children, and the children who come down to the yard, but if a baby comes within 20 feet of me I have to walk away as I'm overcome with hurt and envy.

If it wasn't for me being able to spend my time nurturing my youngster and my dog I honestly don't know how I would cope with my feelings. So horses haven't delayed me starting a family, but they are helping me to cope with my life without one.

My advice - don't let anything delay you starting a family, if you've met the right person and you know you will want children with them at some point, make sure you give yourself plenty of time just in case it takes longer than you think.

Thats awfully sad. At least you have the animals to help you get through it x


When I first read this thread my instant thought was that yes the horses are putting me off. Although reading through it all and thinking more about it I dont think it is the horses as if I didnt have them then I think I still wouldnt want to have a baby.

I just dont think Im overly maternal and Ive never really known that many children and I wouldnt really know what to do with one!! My OH does want to have one, one day. Fingers crossed I do too by that point or we will be in a pickle!!!

 

[Milanesa]

Hey what a great thread. I am so glad other people feel the same as I do!!! I do want to have kids but the horses are putting me off, I am 30 next year so have said to oh we can try next year and he is happy with this. However I have 3 horses we both work full time 6-7 days a week in horsey jobs so it would mean alot of things changing for us should we have kids. Great to hear others experience of it working though x I look forward to being a mum one day x

 

[DuckToller]

Thats awfully sad. At least you have the animals to help you get through it x


When I first read this thread my instant thought was that yes the horses are putting me off. Although reading through it all and thinking more about it I dont think it is the horses as if I didnt have them then I think I still wouldnt want to have a baby.

I just dont think Im overly maternal and Ive never really known that many children and I wouldnt really know what to do with one!! My OH does want to have one, one day. Fingers crossed I do too by that point or we will be in a pickle!!!

Vickijay - when I go down to see my horses, and one of them whinnies or whickers, I feel a little tug and I want to give a cuddle or stroke. If someone else's horse does that, I think it is sweet, but it doesn't have the same effect.

It's the same with children - x 100. Other people's just don't do it for me. The whinging brats in the supermarket leave me cold and I never have an urge to hold someone else's baby - urgh. However your own, that's a different matter. The maternal thing often only kicks in once you have one - its all to do with hormones at the start, and then damn it the little person just gets right under your skin.

 

[Sandylou]

I'm so glad that I started this thread, it's helped me no end and has given me serious food for thought.
In 3 days I've gone from feeling alone and confused to feeling positive and excited that I do want kids. I showed hubby the thread, he's learnt loads from it and it forced me into having 'the conversation' with him which is something that I avoid like the plague! I didn't exactly say this to him but I've decided that for the next 6-12 months I'm going to throw myself into my horse & work super hard to get him to a level where, if circumstances force it, I can loan him out as a confident well schooled gentleman. When I'm happy with his progress I'm going to go for it and try for a baby. ooooooooohhhhhh - scary but exciting!
Big hugs to all those that can't have children and have been brave enough to tell us all about your experiences and how you're feeling - thank you xx

 

[Winklepoker]

The thing that worries me most is how on earth will I afford it all. I could absolutley not afford my horse if I didnt work so how I would afford a child and horse with no job is beyond me... any ideas?

 

[Sandylou]

The thing that worries me most is how on earth will I afford it all. I could absolutley not afford my horse if I didnt work so how I would afford a child and horse with no job is beyond me... any ideas?

If you have a full time job and have worked at the same place for more than 26 weeks then you're entitled to maternity pay. When that stops then it's time to go back to work either part time or full time - whichever you can.
Someone on this thread said that they have made small sacrifices elsewhere to enable her to keep her horse.
Money is tight for everyone at the moment but the economy can only get better now (that's what I keep telling myself anyways, I'm no financial expert!) and so things will get easier sooner or later.
My OH will be working weekends when neccessary too

 

[fine_and_dandy]

Interesting thread. I am in a bit of a pickle at the moment.

I am not maternal and I don't want kids; this I have known for years [I'm now 26]. OH knew this and was in the same boat; however he has recently said to me that we need to chat about our future as he has decided that he does want kids [I jokingly replied, "who with?!"].

The problem I have is this. Aside from the normal things like being terrified of pregnancy and labour, even if those things could be overcome, I still wouldn't have kids. I just don't WANT them.

The other issue is that I have, and still do is that I battle an eating disorder. I cannot bear the thought of getting bigger. OH seems to think that it would all be ok and I wouldn't do anything stupid because I would have a baby in me. But that is just it! Anorexia is not a rational way of thinking. I know it is stupid but I can't get out of it. I would associate getting bigger with being fat and my way of dealing with that is to deprive myself of food. I know it is incredibly difficult for someone who has not had experience of this before to try and understand the way my mind works - and the honest answer is I don't think you can, because why would you understand ultimately starving yourself??

I have told OH this time and again and he just seems to think it can be sorted whereas I am very worried. He says he wants to have his cake and eat it - i.e. be with me and have kids with me, but he can't - I can't guarantee my mind will change and I most certainly will not promise him that at all, it would feel like a death sentence tlo me. When I say he will have to decide what he wants more he won;t answer and won't face up to it. I can't just change my mind because it suits him when I've been open with him about it from the off.

He fails to understand that children initially, have a bigger effect on the mother [as I see it], both physically, mentally and in terms of giving up hobbies, work etc either temporarily or permanently. I am working hard to get the career I want, and I'm working hard to keep Bailey and am at the point where we are about to start our ridden time together. I don't want to to give that up.

Sorry for the ramble. This thread hit a nerve and I didn't realise hwo much this has been eating me up [no pun intended] until I let it all spill out. Never straightforward huh?

ETA I fell pregnant two years ago [despite being on pill and using normal pre-cautions] and I literally went mental, I was absolutely terrified. I had a termination but for me and OH it was the right thing [at that time he said it made his blood run cold at the thought of having a baby]. There was not one bit of me that welcomed it and I felt sick at the thought of having the baby inside me.

 

[Magister]

I didn't deliberately put off having children- the opposite in fact, I've been broody since I was a teenager, all I ever wanted was to get married and have children (not in a desperate way, I just blindly assumed it would happen to me at some point but then time ran away with me). However I never seemed to meet any decent men I wanted to settle down with, and by the time I met my OH I was mid-thirties, so by the time we decided we were serious enough to stay together and think about a family I was late-thirties, I'm now approaching my mid-40s and have never managed to get pregnant. This leaves me feeling emotionally absolutely devastated, part of my reason for living hasn't been fulfilled. I'm struggling to hold back the tears as I type this. (OH won't consider adoption or fostering, and I've been working on him for some time now). There's nothing better than spending time with friend's children, and the children who come down to the yard, but if a baby comes within 20 feet of me I have to walk away as I'm overcome with hurt and envy.

If it wasn't for me being able to spend my time nurturing my youngster and my dog I honestly don't know how I would cope with my feelings. So horses haven't delayed me starting a family, but they are helping me to cope with my life without one.

My advice - don't let anything delay you starting a family, if you've met the right person and you know you will want children with them at some point, make sure you give yourself plenty of time just in case it takes longer than you think.

Virtual hug coming your way now. Keep thinking about the adoption route as it takes several years for it to happen and with gentle encouragement your OH may come round to it.We discussed it after my miscarriage and would definately have persued that route.

 

[Sandylou]

The other issue is that I have, and still do is that I battle an eating disorder. I cannot bear the thought of getting bigger. OH seems to think that it would all be ok and I wouldn't do anything stupid because I would have a baby in me. But that is just it! Anorexia is not a rational way of thinking. I know it is stupid but I can't get out of it. I would associate getting bigger with being fat and my way of dealing with that is to deprive myself of food. I know it is incredibly difficult for someone who has not had experience of this before to try and understand the way my mind works - and the honest answer is I don't think you can, because why would you understand ultimately starving yourself??

I have told OH this time and again and he just seems to think it can be sorted whereas I am very worried. He says he wants to have his cake and eat it - i.e. be with me and have kids with me, but he can't - I can't guarantee my mind will change and I most certainly will not promise him that at all, it would feel like a death sentence tlo me. When I say he will have to decide what he wants more he won;t answer and won't face up to it. I can't just change my mind because it suits him when I've been open with him about it from the off.

He fails to understand that children initially, have a bigger effect on the mother [as I see it], both physically, mentally and in terms of giving up hobbies, work etc either temporarily or permanently. I am working hard to get the career I want, and I'm working hard to keep Bailey and am at the point where we are about to start our ridden time together. I don't want to to give that up.

Sorry for the ramble. This thread hit a nerve and I didn't realise hwo much this has been eating me up [no pun intended] until I let it all spill out. Never straightforward huh?

You are NOT stupid and you don't need to apologise for rambling cos you haven't!!
I have struggled with an eating disorder and so can understand how you feel. I am better now but still have issues with my body. I'm not sure how I would've felt about getting bigger through pregnancy when i was at my worst but it doesn't worry me now.
Big hugs to you x

 

[aimeetb]

My husband has wanted children for years but I havent been ready, I am worried about money as we have just bought a house and I have a yearling but I am also worried that if I wait until after I have backed her I will put it off more.

Just want to say thanks for all these experiences, after reading them all I have just text my husband to say - lets get pregnant!!!

EEK! xxxx