As requested... Our stories.

[Surreydeb]

Absolutely loving this!

 

[caithness_1]

Thank you Mrs C, yes a wonderful relationship but certainly the most challenging one, but isn't that always the way with the one. In any context the one is someone who can and does make you feel every kind of emotion possible, to extremes sometimes... but they are the ones who make you feel whole, or rather less complete when you contemplate or experience their loss.

What a beautiful definition. I don't often comment, but I, like many others, have been captured by your story. Looking forward to the next part.

 

[Queenbee]

What a beautiful definition. I don't often comment, but I, like many others, have been captured by your story. Looking forward to the next part.

thank you when Im rich and famous you can 'quote' me

here is a bit more of our bumpy journey and the next instalment is being worked on as we speak...

So I bought a sedate mare, when I purchased her she was living off hay and no grass, living out, infrequently ridden and only ever along the same track at walk and trot, she had been allowed to get away with murder. Since I paid for her and moved her she had repeatedly blown her brains, jumped out of stables and fields due to separation anxiety, broken down stable doors too, ditched me repeatedly mainly with spooks and stops but also due to damaging her back through a catastrophic accident whilst away being trained by someone who should have known better, she was unstableable and hated travelling. I had hurt my back, so had she. She had been a cow over being trimmed, and shod and having her hooves picked out… She had learnt to jump, and learnt it hurt when she clouted a jump. She had learnt to canter and work in an outline, although working in an outline was never simple… you always had to invite her with open and low arms as you would a youngster then pick her up.

Things were never easy with her, but looking back we had come a hell of a long way from the day I met her, I often wished that I had found her earlier, she would not have been so set in her ways and so lacking in confidence, we could have taken it slowly, just as we did but we would have had less ‘issues’ I think. But we didn’t meet earlier, and we did have issues, and we now had a new one… confidence over jumps.

The hunting season was swiftly approaching and those three ponies that I had mentioned… they arrived. I was told about them… they belonged to a pretty notorious dealer who was on his way to prison and his stock was due to go for meat. I was being begged to go up to the yard and see this little black Dartmoor filly and give her a home. I was in great conflict, I already had three girls taking up my time, my mum unable to ride anymore, my sister had unfortunately just lost interest… the idea of having a horse far more entertaining than having one. I knew it would be irresponsible to say yes. Two nights before the sales my mum asked me what was wrong, I told her about this filly. The next morning armed with all the cash that my mum and I had in our wallets, my sister and I drove to the dealers yard to see the filly, and to buy what we could with the money. I remember it like it was yesterday (corny I know, but I do) It was graphic and broke my heart. I had mentally prepared and detached myself, knowing that I was going to a not so nice dealers yard and all that that entailed. We looked around the yard, an appy knee deep in mud in a barn, and in the bigger barn every stable was leaking urine and masticated bedding… there were some gorgeous horses there and I wept for them, but I did hope that at the sales some of them would be snapped up and given good homes, and the rest would hopefully meet a swift end which was better than their current situation. Then we were outside the door of the stable…

There were two in the stable, she caught my eye to begin with… a proper mini diva, fluffy and covered in god only knows what, she was right at the door looking, interested and curious. She was jet black and another proper show stopper… you could see it. Next to her was an Exmoor x type, a couple of inches bigger than her, curious, but a bit more timid, she looked gentle. The Dartmoor had been bred by Diana Coaker and the Exmoor x had been running with a 13 .2 appy stallion. They were like fish in a tank, that’s how I remember them… steady and watching but one move of the hand and they scattered running around the stable.

I have sometimes, deep feelings, when I just ‘know’ something. Like the time I was in the local pet shop, looking at tropical fish. I had been in this pet shop a hundred times before, and never had there been a cat…but I just ‘knew’ there was. She is sat upstairs on my bed now, after at the age of 21 I sat on the floor of the Pet Shop in protest until my dad leant me the money for her. Im looking at these two fillies and I knew there was someone else there, he wasn’t ‘cowering’ but he was right at the back of the next stable, a tiny little thelwell, bay with a star the size of a tennis ball on his head… a head that was down, everything about his body language showed that he was trying to make himself invisible. He looked up to me and again there was warms but such timidity. I was not leaving without them all.

We watched as the three ponies that I purchased for £75 were herded up the gangway into the loose box, they were scared enough of humans, but still every time they turned around they were given an alcothene pipe across the face. I remember telling my sister not to say anything or we wouldn’t get them out of that god awful place. We stiffened our resolve, and I told myself that what happened here, stayed here, their lives begin when that trailer door closes. I handed over the money, and got in the car and off we drove with Maddison (the Dartmoor), Harvey (the Thelwell) and Connie (the Exmoor x)

So suddenly, three became six, I probably won’t go into too much more detail on these, we worked with them and rehomed them, I remember seeing Harvey following a six year old girl around an open field on the leadrope like a puppy, all his world focused on her and my heart bursting, a week later they had a saddle on his back, and this little girl was riding him and had renamed him star, and I felt my goal was achieved, to give these ponies a chance. They will however pop up in the story from time to time, especially maddie who was with us for the longest.

So, clipped out and smartened up for winter, Ebony and I decided to take on the hunting in earnest… we were not entirely successful with this, because by now ebony had got a taste of hunting and she was rather enthusiastic. It was all rather embarrassing to be honest, I never turned up at the hunt looking decent, It took two people to saddle her up, once her tack was on she would calm only enough for you to get on her back and then there was the meet ‘inward groan’ excitement got the better of her and I learnt that my mare could perform the most spectacular and controlled rear… full up. Once we were underway, all was peachy as long as we didn’t need to stop or anything, the jumping was good, the confidence was second to none… but after about three hunts that season… I just couldn’t face the ‘she devil’ that Ebony became when she knew she was going out hunting. So it was back to hacking in earnest and jumping logs etc out on the hack. Then one day, I walk into the field it must have been about November time, she is rugged and I put down her feed for her, and she coughs… and there is murkey phlegm. Ebony never coughed, she never had phlegm. I ran into the house holding my trouser leg out so I didn’t loose my sample, put it in a sample pot that my mum has (she is a Health Visitor and always has such things). Took ebonys temperature, checked her gums and rang my vets. I got the antibiotics and they got the sample. The results showed nothing, but her hacking cough persisted, the phlegm slowly eased but the cough stayed, a second course of antibiotics and I was warned that if she wasn’t clear by the end of this then she would be sent away for investigation. It broke my heart as I knew that what I should do was stable her, but for her that was the first thing I should do. I always dreaded the idea of ever having to box rest her, I knew it would be too dangerous.

Miraculously, she started to pick up, the cough went and her appetite returned properly, we were out of the woods and having stressed and worried myself to tears for the last few weeks I was so relieved. There must have been some lasting legacy from that cough though because for the rest of her life she always had to clear her throat once when being ridden, and twice in latter years she had low grade pneumonia and had to be put on sputolosin to shift the gunk. Understandably, once again, all plans were put on hold, Ebony was given some time off and spent the winter in light work. I was proud of her, and she had done well, she deserved to rest.

 

[Tammytoo]

I am absolutely glued to this - my poor horses will be having a late tea!

 

[JGC]

What a lovely story, can't wait to hear more!

 

[Queenbee]

With six horses and ponies to feed, we decided to look for somewhere else to ‘branch out’ and moved that winter to rented fields up the road with 7 acres and stables should we need them. We rested the land at the house as back up if needed. This place was only a mile or so away, and situated on one of my favourite canter paths, just down from White Alice, and the moors. During the dark winter months, I could ride up the canter path and out onto the moors without touching a road.

During the next 12 months or so, a lot happened. I never really made it to any shows, the opportunity never presented itself and I was so busy I didn’t really have any inclination. I worked with the babies. Connie, who had been in foal aborted, the vets think it was the Hep Virus… a perfect little colt foal… but she couldn’t carry to term, a classic case of irresponsible breeding. Harvey really came out of himself and he was so wonderful, until the day that we caught him trying to hump the shire, and the shire was bending her back legs for all she was worth trying to let him… he was sectioned of in a separate field and castrated the same week. We got in a rider to help me with Annie the cob, she was a daughter of one of the vets, and she eventually moved on and bought a cob herself, Annie then had another rider who seemed perfect, but after buying her and moving her away, she asked we buy her back as away from home she just never got on her back… so Annie returned to the fold. K and Lorrae would come out with me on Annie and we spent our time hacking around the countryside. Eventually Connie and Harvey were sold to new homes and I felt the need to get on with Ebony so we moved to prospect farm.

By this time I had pretty much had my fill of my sister not pulling her weight, I had always committed to caring for Annie and helping my mum, but I was exhausted, I had four horses to care for, and It was always me going to see them, me paying for the feed and the rugs of a bleeding big shire… so when I moved I had it out with my sister and explained that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I loved the shire, she was gentle and sweet, but she was hard work and she wasn’t mine. She moved the shire to prospect but paid full livery and it was like a breath of fresh air for me.

At prospect, Ebony was stabled… the nightmares were not over, but we made it as easy as we could for her. She had a fantastic big stable, and understanding her temperament she was allowed to share the stable with Maddison, she was on a calmer and had a bar across the top of her stable… the edge was taken off her stabling issue slightly. Sian, started to ride Annie, and I was so pleased for her, she adored Annie, Annie adored her and adored being back in work. I had a sand school with polly jumps and was in my element, hacking, schooling and jumping Ebony and teaching Annie all about coloured poles. Unfortunately, as we had made the decision to sell Annie, she was just too good to not do much with us, and she went of to Dorset to a mother and daughter for a 6 month trial. Maddison became quite the favourite with everyone, and a bond between her and Sian grew, Sian continued her handling and training and when we left prospect Maddison stayed with Sian, she was bought by the Yard Owner and Sian worked for the YO to pay for her. So it worked out for Maddie too. Unfortunately, my sister became ‘slack’ again, and I grew tired of knowing that I would be asked to get her to call… the wonderful yard became a quagmire in the winter, like nothing I had ever experienced before. Ebony would come in from the field with her tail clumped together 2/3rds deep in mud. It was just a case of too many horses too little space, and combining that with the stress of my sister, it was too much. If I recall correctly, at this time my sister put her shire on loan to someone at another yard, and I moved to a yard with Ebony.. Slowly I was getting back to how it should be and able to spend some real quality time with my girl.

The new yard was fantastic, Ebony was not perfectly calm there but she was better in the stable… still, during her time there the the owners lovingly nicknamed her the boss and the devil Lorrae was there with Ollie too for a short while, although I can’t recall why they left… I think he went off on loan for her to start her family.

Schooling and jumping were on the agenda and local shows were once again a possibility and a goal. Unfortunately, or not as the end case may be, Annie came back to us, it was a heartbreaking decision for the mother and daughter who had her on trial, but the mother was not as confident as the daughter, she saw that the daughter had really bonded with Annie but they couldn’t afford 2 horses and whilst she was very fond of Annie, she was just nervous with her and they needed one that they could both enjoy. It worked out well, Lorrae had a sharer (Tamar) who is a fantastic rider, we paid her to ‘produce’ Annie, she took on full care of Annie, and for the first time our Cob really looked like a cob, we clipped her legs out hogged her and Tamar schooled and schooled her and lovingly produced her for the show ring, I remember the day before her first show and Tamar was riding her in the arena, Lorrae and I were sat on the side and she was tweaking her hands and thus altering Annies head carriage asking which position suited her best, she really paid attention to detail. I was so happy, Ebony was still stressy in her stable but no longer tried to jump out, she was schooling and jumping better than she ever had and I had finally cracked her fear of lunging too… Life was damn near perfect.

Then a few thing happened at once, I can’t quite recall the exact order but, my sisters loan fell through on her shire and she asked me if there were any spaces at my yard, there were but I said it was for her to deal with and was very specific with both the YO and my sister that the shires care was nothing to do with me… I didn’t resent the shire, I loved her but I couldn’t deal with my sister not pulling her weight. So the shire came to the yard, all three girls were back together. Annie went to the first show and absolutely nailed it, she came third against some pretty fine cobs in her first show ever. We were all so proud, and we had started to advertise her. Around that time I ordered some hay and straw, the woman told me she would send her son out and the start of a relationship that lasted over five years, one throughout which Ebony proved even more of a lifeline to me than I ever conceived possible.

Amazingly, by this time I had owned Ebony for about five years, and I realise I made an error, since my ex and I split it was six years until I fell in love and let someone in, or even met someone that really turned my head. On many levels looking back I wish I had ordered shavings and haylage from the local farm supplies instead! I didn’t however, I met X.

The first year was spent in relative bliss, he didn’t put me high on a pedestal like my previous partner, which was good, I juggled him and horses, we started going out, he was a farmer and I would spend endless hours with him in his tractor or just curled up on the sofa with him, out on the town or at parties I was very happy.

People came and went, trying to purchase Annie, and none of them were suitable, they were all novice. Despite expressing that she was not a novice horse, all people saw was ‘COB’ and they thought of riding school. She was a genuine and loving horse but she was not this, and as we turned people away we started to despair that we would find the right person. Keeping two horses on livery and paying for one to be produced is not easy and at that time it was not achievable for me even with the support of mum. After a lot of thought I made the heartbreaking decision to advertise Ebony, and stop advertising Annie. We thought that Ebony would produce for us a better class of purchasers and she was at a level where most of her quirks were solved and if we got the right competition home for her, then we would find a more appropriate purchaser for her. This was the last thing I wanted but it would seem that there was no other option at that point.

 

[Queenbee]

Two things stick out at that time for me. The first is what a very close call I had, I very nearly lost her and I dread to think what would have happened to me had I given her up knowing what an awful turn my life was going to take. With or without the bad times that came I would have forever regretted it if I didn't keep her by my side as I did. We had a mother bring her daughter out to see Ebony, they flew over the jumps, and the daughter looked to me like all her Christmases had come at once, they jumped about 3ft Ebony just on fire and loving it. The daughter was at the time 15 I think and they were looking for a competition horse for her, they decided that Ebony may be just a bit to hot for the daughter, although at a later date, they all said how wrong this decision was and how Ebs would have been perfect… as I said, lucky escape, although I would never have had a moments worry about her wellbeing had she gone to live with them. The other thing is that we received a call for a viewing, I got on and rode Ebony for the woman, she had just finished uni and was looking for a horse… Ebony felt possibly a bit tense, but she started to relax under me so once she relaxed the viewer got on. I have never ever been so mortified, Ebony, my fizzy but non dangerous horse bronched around the school and ditched the woman riding her. I was shaken to hell because I knew that what I was looking at was not hi jinx, this was what I must have had to sit when she had her bad back, something was wrong with Ebony, but she had been too sweet natured to try and ditch her mummy. The weirdest thing is that only a week had passed between the other girl riding her and jumping her fine, and this. Dread was seeping over me because I knew that something was wrong with Ebony, but also I was so mortified, I would never put anyone on her if I thought they may get hurt, I felt awful. I immediately apologised and said that she wasn’t for sale, that something must be wrong. Somehow, we got onto the topic of Annie, and that she was the one who was originally for sale. I couldn’t believe that this woman would want to try another one of our horses after the fall she had just had. The rest is history Annie moved to a new home with this woman, she competes her and wipes the floor with all the big TBs on this little mean machine 14.3 coblet, she loves her and cares for her dearly. There is a thread on here that is titled ‘Who says cobs can’t jump?’ its in picture gallery. That is Annie and her owner

At this point I decided to give myself a break, to enjoy my new found love and put Ebony into foal, we could both have a break and her legacy could continue. We got the vet out, and it appeared she had an infection in her uterus, he suspected that this was what caused her ‘session’ and god knows how she got it as she was only with mares but we had it treated, and decided to try the following year to put her in foal… although that never happened, I didn’t try and things were getting dark for me the next year.

So now I was down to one horse, and a new relationship that was going at that time pretty well. My sister who kind of got up to her own tricks again eventually put the shire out on loan and later gifted her to K, who doted on her, she finally had the happy home and love and attention that she deserved. In my sisters defence, I now know what a difficult personal time she was going through with her husband who many years later when she found the strength would become her ex husband. But it was the right thing for all involved.

More and more of my time was being taken up with my relationship, I spent most nights there, and found myself caring for someone else. It was not something that I minded at this point, we were happy and it gave me a sense of happiness in a different way to have the dinner waiting when x came home from a long hard day in the fields, and to keep a nice house. We had moved in together the first two weeks had been hell, I was ignored, not spoken to and had a back turned on me every night, I confronted the issue (he didn’t want to share his space, even though unofficially he had been for months!)and I decided it was best to move out although that didn’t happen because with the threat of that things got better and went back to good and after a while, for convenience Ebony moved there too so that I could juggle home life, work, horses and a social life. It was a special very happy time for a few months, I could look out of the kitchen window, see my mare grazing happily in the field with the neighbours pony as a companion. Walk my dog in the fields. Curl up with the man I loved in front of the fire at night. He didn’t like the dog or the horses but it was a concession he made grudgingly, knowing that they came with me… we were a package deal, not understanding how I felt about them but knowing this was how it was.

 

[Queenbee]

Once again, I'd like to thank everyone for reading this, of course I wouldn't be posting it if you weren't enjoying it, but its lovely that you are.

I just want to take a moment to add a side note to the story.

I have noticed that throughout this story, I have occasionally got some events muddled up in the time line. For example certain things that happened at certain locations in fact happened at the previous location, but I felt them important in our story, and the story is essentially the same.

The next part of the story is pretty harrowing for me, and I will not be including some of its extremes, it would not make nice reading, and it is hard to admit that it went on for so long. There are some on here that will remember me talking about leaving my OH years ago, but it only really and truly ended recently. Some people say that it is not a weakness to stay around when times are really bad, they say it is a strength. I don't know about that, I felt pretty weak at times, and at others fiercely defiant. but for four years or so, I stuck with a bad deal, leaving and being sucked back into a toxic and dangerous relationship. I will at times, be posting parts of it, to show what what going on, how it affected me and my beautiful girl. Sometimes we dont see whats going on, sometimes we do but we make excuses or refuse to acknowledge. Sometimes we have hope and a belief that it may, just may get better, and other times we know of no other way than to try and survive what we are going through and don't see any other possible options available. I know all of these feelings. So the next part of our story is full of ups and downs, for both me and Ebony. Not because of her behaviour which was exceptional but because of me, and my relationship. So please bear with me, it can get a bit hard sometimes to think of just how long I wasted my life and what happened to me, and how this affected my time with Ebony. But I want to be honest about it, covering it up would not be the true story of my darling girl and I

 

[hrimfaxi]

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us.

When things go wrong with horses sometimes I wonder why we have them, why we do it to ourselves when it is so painful to lose them. But then I wonder what I would have done without them! It's lovely to read this, with hindsight we can take the bad a little easier with the good.

 

[cally6008]

I'm still reading and loving it.
You have captured us all in this,

 

[ELFSBELLS]

Hooked, x

 

[Jenna1406]

This is my morning read now

 

[Emilieu]

A wee hug to help you when writing the hard bits.x

 

[Luci07]

Never apologise for past actions when you have resolved them and they are behind you. The person you hurt was yourself. The person who got you out was yourself. I would dearly love to turn the clock on one of my relationships and eradicate it completely. However, it is part of life, you learn from mistakes and you ( hopefully) do not repeat them. Keep up the story telling...!

 

[Lea1985]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww god I have loved reading this, got a lump in my throat. you are truely amazing queenbee

 

[E13]

What a wonderful story, I have been following avidly. Can't wait for the next installment!

 

[Queenbee]

What a wonderful story, I have been following avidly. Can't wait for the next installment!

A warning to readers... this part is not quite so wonderful, its pretty dark



I suppose that things started to slowly creep up on me, without me knowing, as they so often do. We often choose to ignore that dark curling alien feeling in the pit of our stomach, known to many as a sixth sense that things aren’t quite right. Years later I was to realise that it wasn’t me, it wasn’t the relationship, it was inherent to the man I was with. When I met him, I wasn’t allowed to put a hand in my pocket for anything, I used to have to wait for him to go to the toilet before buying a round, or else he would stop me from doing so, and I want to stress, what a lovely person he was during the first months. I wasn’t naïve, he really was good then, but I suppose that is the honeymoon period so to speak.

So many little things began happening, and for the most part I chalked them up to us just settling into our new life. I met up with the mother (S) of the daughter who had so nearly purchased Ebony out on the town one night and we started to go out on the odd girlie nights, either without the men or meeting up in town with our men, soon I was being encouraged to do this more often and meet him in town. I kept coming home to find the door and the garden gate wide open, and arguments ensued regarding the safety of my dog, he kept encouraging me to send her back to live with my parents, which in the end I did, fearing for her safety so close to the road. A dark side of me that I kept quashing knew the ‘gate’ incidents were deliberate. At this time there was nothing untoward going on behind my back, but his dark side was showing, and it was becoming clear that in some way I was being punished for my animals through my animals. Ebony and I were back to hacking, having no schooling facilities, and looking back I can see that by this time I was not so wrapped up in him, as I was low, we got out when we could, but some days, looking out the window and seeing her was as much as I could muster. Still there were still the really good times, when the clouds lifted, and we were good, but the bad kept seeping in like smoke under the door.

It was may, Flora day and I had gone out on the town to watch the dancing and have a couple of drinks, X finished cutting the fields and came into join me. I was really excited because a year before had been such a fun time with him, one of our first ‘proper dates’ and I had been so happy. I was in the pub and he rang and told me that he couldn’t get in, there was a big cue and he was going next door. I explained that I would finish my drink and meet him, something he was not happy about. When I caught up with him, he was in a foul mood, so I went home, locked the door and went to bed. At this point I will explain that I have a form of narcolepsy and I sleep like the dead… quite literally. Being a bit tiddly I had jumped into bed with underwear on (thank god) and was out for the count…

I sat here for a full five minutes trying to work out how to explain what happened next, to get across the shock and brutality…the first and only thing I knew and felt was something grabbing my wrist and dragging me sideways, I hit the floor, a lot of the rest is confused as I was just waking up and in shock, he was dragging me down the stairs telling me to get out, that I had locked him out of his house and he had had to break the door down… I hadn’t heard the phone ringing. I was half way down the stairs when I managed to persuade him to let me get dressed, there were two other people in the kitchen. I was then thrown out of the house, falling back so hard I hit my head, got all amounts of cracks, scrapes and bruises. Upon hitting my head he freaked out and asked his friends to help me up but I wouldn’t let anyone touch me. I am ashamed to say I lost the plot at this point, adrenaline and anger getting the better of me and I picked up a plant pot and hurled it at the window. This was the first time I left him.

My mother picked me up, and I sobbed all night, I was frightened for my horse on his land, hollow that of all the things that I believed him capable of, this I had never ever envisaged. I looked like a stranger in the mirror and a multicolour stranger at that and my whole body ached from being pushed and pulled around. I was horrified and mortified that not only had it happened, but there had been witnesses. And my heart was breaking


I can’t remember who it was that he messaged, me or my father but he told me not to worry about Ebony, that I was under no pressure to move her straight away, she could stay there as long as necessary, and if I felt more comfortable I could keep her on his other fields somewhere else. I have to say that I took him at his word, I needed to sort my head out, collect my thoughts and form a plan for myself. A week later he asked to meet me, I remember shaking as I saw him, he was mortified, and apologetic, he knew that I slept deeply, he was drunk. In the beginning he was ashamed, remorseful and repentant… five years on, it was never his fault! So, I moved back, Ebony stayed and for a fair few months there were arguments but nothing to that degree, although none of it was excusable and he agreed to go to counselling, he went once and towards the end of the summer we booked a holiday to Portugal for the end of October, deciding to get away from everything and try to find the good stuff. Things were often tentative, but they weren’t bad, but looking back I realise that they were bad, I was just learning to be grateful for the morsels of ‘mediocre’

We had discussed at length how the one field could not be fertilised, they were already rich and Ebony and her companion had a sectioned off area with grazing muzzles on part of the day. He had agreed to this, as weight management was difficult on his already lush fields. I came home to find the fencing had all been taken down, I put it back up and thought nothing of it, assuming that someone had just driven through the field. A week later I discussed this with him and was informed that the fields had been fertilised. I knew this was deliberate when I saw a smirk on his face, and my heart absolutely broke that he could inflict this hurt on me through endangering the wellbeing of my animals. The grazing muzzles were left on 24hrs a day, the grazing they had restricted to a very minimum and within a week, they were moved to S’s livery yard, the day S’s husband picked them up the pony was laminitic.

The pony was immediately seen and treated by a vet and farrier and with care and management got better, it was then returned to its owner, as Ebony being at a livery yard no longer needed a companion.

I had grown close to S and she had become a friend and a confidant, she knew my struggles, and her family embraced me and Ebony, her daughter who now had her own horse, still rode Ebony occasionally, and they were such a pair, to see someone clicking with Ebony and them getting the best out of her was a warming and welcome sight. Not too long after I moved to the yard I decided to advertise for a sharer, I found, through H&H forum, a wonderful woman known to all on H&H as Twizzle, Ace photographer, rider and friend extraordinaire! We took it slow with Ebs and Twizzle, it was her first loan, and getting the best out of Ebony was a technique you had to learn but slowly they were hacking and schooling and jumping. X and I went off to Portugal and had a fantastic holiday, it really was like old times, no tension, no friction, no worries. I came back overjoyed and went to sit the dogs for a week at my parents house whist they went away.

It was slightly off, but not as bad as it had been when we got back from Portugal, I had asked if we could go out on the town for Halloween, but he didn’t like the whole dressing up, and so I stayed in with Twizzle and another livery, we had wine, and pizza. At at three in the morning, I woke up feeling sick, not with overindulgence but with dread, something was very wrong and my heart felt like it was being crushed. All I wanted was to be with him, to get in the car and drive to him. I couldn’t however, as I had Twizzle staying and I had had a drink. The next day, I found a blonde hair in our bed and a witches hat in our livingroom… Although I couldn’t for the life of me get the truth out of him, it was his friend bringing back a woman apparently. This I didn’t believe at all but I needed complete facts. I kept a fair distance from him but we didn’t separate and three weeks later, S approached me at the yard ashen, and told me he was seeing someone. I drove home and had it out with him not allowing him to respond, I got in the car left, knowing that he was going out of the country to see his children and I would have some peace. He promised me he would finish it, and I had confirmation that it had begun on Halloween. He did finish it, and then I had a 21 year old threatening to brick our window in saying she thought she was pregnant, but by this time I had taken him back, and I resolved with myself that this had happened before and should not affect the now. I stood by him, whilst this was sorted out, and although the dynamics of our relationship shifted we became better for it, for a while.

 

[Queenbee]

During all this time I rode when I could, when I felt up to it, and Twizzle, god love her, shared Ebony and enjoyed hacking her. S’s daughter rode occasionally and competed her in the school showjumping team. My ‘caring’ role had stopped with x, he could sort his own washing and dinner. I would be on the computer most nights and he would be asleep on the sofa. My dog was back with us and he knew better than to mess with that. We had however, found a happy medium, strange though it may seem, because I had started to become harder and more selfish, putting my needs first, I also for a time became less caring about faithfulness on my part, why should I be faithful when he so obviously doesn’t extend such a respect to me. So I kissed a few frogs, left him spending the night alone at the hunt ball and went into town and partied, eventually it was out of my system, he was told everything when it happened and then calm started to descend between us.

Ebony was in her element, and whilst still a teasy box walker she was for the most part blissfully happy. Another livery turned up very early in the morning and she would actually eat her breakfast for the first time in her life, she was fit and healthy and she was my rock. I had the best day of my life on her during that time, we went out hunting with the farriers meet, and I felt free of any worries, my heart bursting, with pride, exhilaration and happiness. We had found that Ebony was less agitated with the Cury hunt than the Four Burrow, so Cury it was. Flying and Speeding, or just wandering aimlessly on the back of my girl was where I felt completely carefree and peaceful. The only time x and I ever really had a problem back then was when we went out, and I would end up with some form of bump scrape and bruise, so I didn’t go out, everytime it would end in disaster, and I would end up curling myself around Ebony, clinging on to the only thing that made me feel normal and kept me from falling in a world that made no sense to me. During these years, she was everything to me, and I often neglected her, by saying that I mean I neglected to ride her, I just had no energy, S was brilliant and she knew when I was down and I would turn up and find her mucked out for me, or I would be in the house with S putting the world to rights, or shutting the bad world out and leaving it behind for a few precious hours.

It was a really hard time for me, at times it felt like he had the world believing that I was the problem when we were out, but behind closed doors, or around our families, he was the man I loved and being with the man I loved was important to me. I understood that he had different beliefs and thought processes and different things were important to him, there are many of us who think that he may also suffer from a mild form of aspergers. I made so many allowances for the differences, because I loved him. That summer I fell pregnant. I had come off the contraception and we had used ‘other forms of protection’ since his dalliance because I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t do that again. I am not going to go into details but I didn’t have the baby, it would not have been right for me at that time, and I would not want him as a father to any child of mine, I knew that. Children were never a ‘want’ for us, and for me there was a great risk because the child had not been planned, still, I wasn’t given time to think things over properly for myself, I was harrased, brow beaten, and rail roaded. So I put some space between us, saying that we were not over but whilst ‘going through the procedure, I needed distance, and we would sort things out when I was done. It was a matter of days… the night it was done, he slept with someone again. I forgave him, putting this down to ‘stress’ but by this time it was one week together, two weeks apart. My head was a mess, the violence had been going on bit by bit over time and it had become the norm. By this time I had a six inch scar on my ribcage, my parents had found me having my head smacked on the floor, me feigning unconsciousness to try and get him to stop, I had been locked in a bedroom and jumped out of a second story window to try and escape, and had spent a lot of time in long sleeved clothing. I had black outs where my brain must have just shut down and shut out what I couldn’t face, god only knows how I held on to my job, but it wasn’t without being completely honest with my work about what was happening. I kept waking at random times always at 3am in the morning, and I would always find out that he had indeed been with someone. I was being systematically destroyed and whenever I tried to leave, my family, friends and I would be contacted, call after call after call, text after text after text, he would turn up at home, work or my yard and I had nowhere I was safe from him. I still loved him, but going back was always the same no matter what he promised, and now it was never his fault, it was always mine. Work became an escape, and from 9 to 5 I could bury myself in it and close the world out, and horses remained my solace, Twizzle had moved on from Ebs and I decided I needed my own home, safety and my own space and I moved to a lovely little one bedroom cottage with six acres, I didn’t tell him where…


P.S. Have just checked and it is running to page 24 in a word document now! 19'000 words!

 

[Tammytoo]

You poor thing - what a horrible time.

 

[Queenbee]

Initially I had found the cottage after an agreement that we move in together somewhere new and start a fresh on equal terms, believing that some of our problems stemmed from it being ‘his house’ and that living their was not an option, but he had after that discussion reneged on the idea and shown no interest whatsoever not even wishing to look at the cottage, and his attitude darkened once again. So it was me that moved in a new cottage out in the sticks, cosy and warm and mine. A select few, close family and friends knew my location and Ebony was delivered to me, and telephone reception was awful so although I received calls and texts, I wasn’t plagued by them unless I was outside the house so I could enjoy peace and freedom and Ebony. Daisy too, had acres and acres to run on. Half of my land was pure grazing and the other half was croft land, with a style leading out onto the moors. I contacted the old owner of Ebony, such extensive grazing was too much for my girl alone and Herman the Ardennes and Ebony were reunited along with three more of her horses, to help get the grazing manageable, at which point she would remove whatever was needed in order for it to be maintained. The year was 2009, so it had been a good eight years since they had been part of the same herd, but the reunion really was like old friends. Herman by now was a bit grey around the edges, but with a huge carcinoma the size of a football on his back leg. It was benign but inoperable and very vascular, he came to me for a bit of R&R, as did sunshine who had just had her foal weaned. They would come and check on their horses, but for the most part that was my role, I fed them, kept them watered and enjoyed the tranquillity of having a happy herd outside my door, Ebony reunited with long lost family, woods to walk in with daisy, and timmy our new found lurcher rescue to keep her company, whom daisy distained because he could run faster than her, and now she was the hunted, and who drove me to despair taking up my sofa and demanding a share of my bed! And for a while, my cosy little cottage off the beaten track surrounded by woods, moors and those dearest to me was everything it should have been.

Rewinding a bit to earlier that year, in June, X and I had been to a barbecue with friends. Absently I had been window shopping for youngsters, that may be suitable in years to come to take over from Ebony as she headed towards retirement. I suppose to one extent it was filling a gap… nothing to do with the whole pregnancy issue, rather that my life didn’t feel whole because of my relationship and burying myself and losing my troubles in horses was what I knew. I had not searched in earnest, it was just a vaugue idea, I hadn’t seen or called about any youngsters. The woman hosting the barbecue, said she had something to show me…We took a walk leaving the men chatting, and wandered off with her two children, she grabbed a scoop of feed and we stood at a gate while she called the horses over. I remember the children were climbing on the gate as the mare and her 2 week old foal came cantering up. So bold was he that he walked up to the gate, sniffing the children without an ounce of wariness. I adored him, and his mother, an iron grey Connie x TB. ‘It’s a colt foal, if it was a filly we would have kept it and bred it, but he is for sale if you want him’ I told her I would think about it. My window shopping had not been broadcast to anyone, I think perhaps x was aware, although I can’t recall. He melted my heart, but I knew that in reality, a foal was hard work, and I had a lot to deal with, I was pregnant then and there was the whole x issue, it was totally the wrong time, but in my heart there was a nagging feeling, being someone who wholeheartedly believes things happen for a reason. But as we drove away, the blood drained from my face, and the thought of having the foal made me feel sick, he was meant for me, but he became tainted and dirty as x said ‘If you want him I will buy him for you if you get rid of it’. I was venomous, that he could bargin like that. I knew already he didn’t want the baby, and I knew already what my decision was, but he just wouldn’t let up and trust in me and my decision, and how on earth could I have this foal, now that it had been tainted by him.

I often look back on the next bit and think it just wasn’t worth it, but then I wouldn’t have what I have now. The calls and texts had started to die down a bit, and I was relaxing, starting to enjoy myself, it had been no more than three weeks since I moved, but I was starting to sleep better at night, I was ‘living’ not ‘existing’ as had so often been the case in the past. I had a good routine, and I was starting to ride again, really ride, waking up or coming home and wanting to go out on Ebony and having the emotional energy to do so. Suddenly the tack changed. The texts and answer phone messages were focused around ‘did I want the foal’ he needed to know because he had bought it for me and he didn’t know where to have it delivered or if he should sell it. I spoke to the people selling the foal, and it was eventually arranged that I would pick the foal up, X had in not paid for it, but that was by the by, the money was provided by him, to my father and by that time I had my anger and fighting spirit back and was damned if all I had suffered at his hands was for nothing, and in my head this foal was the reason, so yes he could buy it and he could go to hell, the sellers did at one point deliver him to me but, I had nowhere to securely put him inside, needing to put a gate on the shelter so they took him back and we arranged to pick him up. The foal safely ensconsed with me, was a joy, such a bundle of promise, fluffy and cuddly and fun, I watched him for hours. I was on speaking terms with x by now, but only via phone and text. Ebony, adored Ben, she tolerated his ways but was a firm leader and teacher for him. He was only six months old, but he would come out on the lead rein for walks with Daisy, Timmy and I, I could groom him, fuss him, cuddle him. I had a cute little baby, and I can’t express how in awe I was of Ebony and how she had taken to the role of matriarch so well, elegant as always, even when she was telling him off, so was being back in touch with x, and the next load of darkness worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Because I have Ben, and he is wonderful in himself and I am so very proud of him, but now he is also the place where I feel closest to Ebony and where I feel she still exists.

Days after Ben arrived, I was driving home from work, down a country lane to my cottage, and there he was driving towards me. I was late home from work having been chatting with a colleague for half an hour and I can remember thinking that I wish I had talked for a couple of minutes longer, then I wouldn’t have seen him, and he wouldn’t have seen me. I floored my car, desperate to make it home and inside my house, door locked before he could get to me, but he was there, and I was trapped in my car, doors locked, frantically looking at my phone with no reception I couldn’t call my family for help. I was blocked in and I don’t lie when I say his fingers were clawing at the top of my window, trying to get to me, begging me for another chance. I didn’t even think to call 999, and for a moment, I considered flooring the car in reverse and mashing his car, but I didn’t. It wasn’t even his desperation at this point, or my love for him that made me crumble, it was exhaustion. It was always like groundhog day, and dealing with his behaviour when he didn’t have me, was almost worse than dealing with what he did when we were together. So that was it, my sanctuary was shattered, and he was back in my life, although I know in my heart that even without Ben, he would have found a way. He agreed, to only visit me at my house, and to take it slow, and on my terms. I felt like I had no choice, no energy or fight to say no, and I agreed. It was still better for me, than it had been. I was in command of my own space, I found myself manufacturing excuses so that I didn’t have to see him that often, and when I did see him it was fun and quite good. I kept up the riding, and the dog walking and the playing pony with baby Ben, and x was allowed into my life. Then having been invited over to see him (something I always said no to) I decided one day to just turn up. He wasn’t there, but there was a childs bed made up in the spare room, someone elses stuff in the house and Facebook left on, showing some messages, you can guess what they were. I engineered a situation where by I picked him up from a night out, he stayed at mine, and I dropped him home, and she was there. I told her she could keep him, but she would know damn well when he came back to me begging for yet another chance, I assumed and hoped that this would be enough of a threat. It wasn’t, and that was the first time I called the police, and I kept my promise, I let her know, not out of any sort of moral decency, but to hurt him.

I loved my cottage, and though it was out in the sticks, the police did the occasional drive by. My door was locked at all times and I just tried to get on with my life. I never got this luxury for long. After my six month tenancy was up, I decided enough was enough and moved Ebony back to ‘S’s yard, and ben went to Croft William (still owned by my sister and her then husband)to await gelding.

 

[Queenbee]

I was by now a much harder person. I cried rarely, having grieved and hurt enough, my tactic for dealing with x’s behaviour had changed and I had long since found a switch to stop the hurt most of the time, for the most part I managed to keep my distance from him, but on the rare occasions he saw me, out on the town, or even driving past him, it triggered him. On the plus side, people were beginning to understand, to see that it was not me, it was him. My close family and friends all knew this but the wider population did not. But he always managed to suck me back in, and the next tactic was that he had built stables for me, close to home so that I could have my dream. ‘Live together and have your horses outside just how you’ve always wanted’ was how he put it. Actually the wind had blown the roof off the old dairy and that was why he built stables, I knew this, but I also knew that I could have my babies there, a stream running through the bottom of the field, my own little paradise once again. In my head I reasoned that there was nothing this man could do to me to hurt me that he hadn’t already done, and it would never hurt me like it had, because I was far more emotionally detached from him than I ever had been. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved him, I know when I stopped, but at this time, I still loved him, I didn’t excuse his behaviour anymore, but I had the smallest sliver of hope, because I knew, that there is some part of him that wanted the happily ever after, what I have since accepted is that whilst this is true, he cant deal or face what he is and has done, and he will continue to do this to whoever he is with.

So by the time Ben moved from Croft William down to his land (a mere ½ mile distance) we were trying to muddle along, and I have to say not doing too badly, the violence had stopped. There were some nice moments, and we had started living together. Ebony was still at S’s yard, and the vet was sorted for Ben. I was juggling, work, 2 yards and a relationship, but by this time, I had my priorities and my relationship came last. I came home when I was done, when I had ridden, when I was ready and I answered to no one, I was fiercely protective over what was important and vital to me and what I wanted. Timmy had had to be rehomed, unfortunately he was just too much of a handful and he really needed mental stimulation, I had found a fantastic home with a dog agility woman and whilst I am sure things weren’t a bunch of roses in my relationship (they never really were) I was content, because my horses and my dog were close to me and I was enjoying them.

Once Ben was castrated, he and Ebony were reunited once again, she came to the stables and for me it was like making home all over again I took pride in my perfect beds, and my tack room. I recall that for the first time in years, I was keeping and maintaining a traditional muck heap, banking it up at the sides, these are my creature comforts. True to his word, despite whatever else went on, my horses wanted for nothing, haylage and straw was provided, all I cared about was their happiness. I was still attentive and loving as a partner, but I knew that the way I felt and saw the world was not the same as the way x did, so I flipped my switch and threw myself into my horses. The best thing is that with Ben at her side, Ebony for the very first time in her life was truly content in her stable, never bunny hopping at the door, no box walking, when I came to turn her out in the morning, there was a patch where she had been lying down at night. That made me really happy. Ben was good as gold whenever we left for our hacks and for a while, I really was quite content, and considering the bad times I had experienced with my ex, things really as far as I can recall were quite good.

By now we are into 2011 and the day after Flora day, so May again. It was a Sunday if I recall correctly, and I had been invited to a barbecue at S’s, I rang x and told him gave him my love and said I would see him when he finished work the next day as I would probably stay at S’s for the night. 3am again I woke up, I rang and rang and rang, no answer until his phone was switched off. I was up all night and got in the car after tossing and turning at 6 am and headed home, the house was empty and then he drove home, caught red handed he admitted he had been with someone else, someone he had met on Flora day. There were no tears, or admonishments from me, I put the few things I had in the house in my car, I don’t think I was deflated or hurt. I was just bored of the same old. I told him that I would arrange to move my horses, he said there was no need, that that was for me to use. I seem to recall I snorted and laughed, that he couldn’t see just how that was NOT going to happen. I believe if I felt any kind of emotion at that point it was disgust.

S as ever was a rock, and they moved heaven and earth to fit my two in. I hired a transporter (actually the husband of my current YO) to help move my horses and we were back at S’s. My mobile number was changed, the landline blocked from his calls, and I had a month of bliss, without even hearing his name. I was back in the saddle, schooling, hacking S’s younger daughter often accompanying Ebony and I on hacks, during which time my teenage devil horns miraculously appeared and we were speed freaks, galloping and jumping wherever we could, just like when I had pickles.

I can’t change what happened, but I know what an unsteady time my girl had, being moved from pillar to post all the time. There were many times when caring for her, was just one more thing I felt I couldn’t deal with, and days when I just wanted to bury myself in my bedding and wake up the next day, but she never wanted for care, and love and having a reason to get out of bed and leave the house everyday was so important for me in all those years.

In June, it was S’s birthday, and I rallied myself to go out on the town, something I had abstained from incase I saw x. It was Royal Cornwall Show and knowing he spent all his time up there, I reasoned that he probably would not be out in town that night. However, he was. He did try talking to me, but I kept my head about me and I enjoyed my night with my friends and my new found freedom. I hoped that when the morning came, he would realise that his behaviour was stupid and focus on his new relationship.

 

[Queenbee]

The same old, same old happened, this time he intruded into my space at the yard and followed me out on a ride on foot when I refused to talk to him. By the time the ride was drawing to a close and he had said his piece he got in his car and drove off. I remember walking down the lane towards the yard, my back firm and straight not glancing back as he drove away and then I slowly crumpled into Ebony’s mane, my tears falling and I let her take me home, she was in control and she cared for me then more than she ever had, there was nothing left in me at that point, I was sick and tired of having my lovely world intruded on and destroyed, my time with my girl was sacred to me and he had just violated that.

He had talked about marriage and weddings and a whole load more, which to be honest is all a blur, but things he thought I wanted, and by the end of the ride, I didn’t care what I wanted, I didn’t care what he wanted, I didn’t have the strength to care, I was pretty much a zombie. The next thing I knew I was being used to explain to the ‘new girlfriend’ that it was over between them, there was a ring on my finger and I was just ‘existing’ again, I wasn’t living with him, I would spend some time there and then at my parents, I kept finding things that weren’t mine there but I didn’t have the strength to even stop and look down at my life and alter it.

During this period of me ‘giving up’ on control of my own life, there was suddenly a hand that reached down and grabbed mine to pull me out of the mist and help me regain myself, my strength, focus and put my priorities in place, or should I say one ‘hoof’. I have tried to search for the link but it appears that H&H have done some archive management. It wasn’t that I walked away and never looked back, but I was suddenly the person who had other priorities and who had to ignore all the bad, because there were others that were more important, and I had responsibilities. Later that year, we started to look at Ebony, and she looked ‘large’ and there was movement. She was always a gassy mare, with stools like cow pats when she got stressed, but we really started to believe that she was pregnant, she had blown up, her demeanour had changed and ensuring that she was taken care of was my priority, I spent hours at the yard when I wasn’t at work, it was a fantastic escape for me and I couldn’t have cared less about my relationship, despite protests that he was being faithful and loving me, and wanted to get married, the ring didn’t feel right and rarely made an appearance on my finger, to wear it was an admission that I was his to be hurt by him as he saw fit and I couldn’t accept that.

The hours we doted on Ebony S and I, sitting on the wall of her stable, midnight coffees by torchlight. I got berated on here for not getting a vet out to see her, but I knew my mare, she had always bloated in the summer and if she was just bloated then this was just a bit more ‘bloated’ than normal. She was happy and healthy and I was loving caring for her. She had been moved down to the bottom yard, where it was quieter and calmer for her, and room had been made for Ben next door to her. Those pictures posted earlier of her looking out over the stable door, sunlight streaming down were taken then. I may well have been wrong in not getting the vet out, but it was not wrong for us, she would always tell me when she was poorly or in pain, and she was so happy, and I didn’t want our ‘hope and possibility bubble’ burst. Eventually it all came to nothing, we went way past the due date and as the nights drew in her waistline shrank back to normal, she moved back up to the top yard with Ben and we started riding again, hacking, schooling and having fun by now she was 17 and I had owned her for over 10 years.

That November 2011 I stopped loving X, there is I am sure a part of me that still loves him, although I don’t know how deep if at all it is buried, I am certainly no longer in love with him. He was at mine asleep in bed after a night out and his phone beeped with a message, the dread uncurled in me rearing its ugly head again. I read the message and responded, it transpired that from about a week after I had taken him back in June, he had started another affair with an older woman, who knew about me and didn’t care a toss. It was the revelation, that this man who had caused me untold hassle in my life had bought me an engagement ring whilst doing this. I never moved back after that, that morning I had hands around my throat and a threat on my life before he left, the cheater had never left but the bully and the violent man was back. The police were called and a statement given by myself and my mother. Understandably they took the issue seriously, but I didn’t press charges, it was left that if he came near me, I would dial 999, my name would flag up and they would come running to my aid. Disappointingly, on new years eve that assistance never happened and he was thrown out of a number of pubs and caused a fight before I was able to leave in a taxi. It took a further 9 and a bit months to get him completely out of my life. Despite my insistence that I wanted to be on my own it was something he failed to accept or hear and whilst I stayed in control and kept him at a distance, we did occasionally see each other and he continued to insist we were together and ignore my wishes. It was only this month when I was out that his violence was shown in front of family members, and now I know that he will stay away or that I can turn to them to control him if he tries to see me.

So, living back at home at the age of 31 at the turn of the new year I found a lovely little yard just down the road from home, and despite x playing a part in my life during the majority of this year, he remained to me of as little consequence and as much irritation as a fly buzzing around the room, so for the much of it my life was really my own for the first time in years. The yard remained top secret from x for a long time, my sanctuary with my horses once again. It was small and private with one and then two other liveries. Ben was growing up into a big handsome boy, and Ebony was as fit and well as she had ever been. Tamar who had ridden Annie the cob had long since moved away to Dorset but was now a trained sports massage therapist and started to come down regularly to Cornwall. In full work again and going spectacularly well, I was aiming in earnest for some showing this year, fully focused and certain that we would achieve great things, I set about preparing Ebs and myself, buying a show saddle, a Jeffries bridle, beautiful new show jackets, show browband in bottle green and gold, cavallo boots, no expense was spared, I was so focused on putting things right with my horses, achieving my dreams, but my dreams for her. Tamar to work on Ebony for me and her head carriage dropped inches after just the first massage and she was so much looser and balanced by the next one six weeks on. Show dates were hilighted on the calendar and money was being saved up for Ben to be backed in June. With the swiftly approaching shows in May, funnily enough Flora Show, the YO cracked on with building our stables, to get them finished so I could stable her for shows.

 

[Queenbee]

During the time from January to then we were hacking some of the best hacks I have ever had. She was responsive and fun, we were teenagers with devil horns again, hacking through beautiful national trust land, through acres of woods and bluebells, past the Loe bar, up our favourite canter paths. We rode out through the park and into town, stopping at the traffic lights by Aldi, the people on the coaches waving at us as we went past them. I kept reflecting on what a perfect horse in every way she had become, all her deamons put to rest. She was now foot perfect in everyway and it was wonderful. We had also been out on our first hunt in three years, joining the Boxing Day meet in the middle of town and riding out. Life was as near to perfect as I could have it, things were in perspective, priorities were in order and she was everything I ever dreamed she could be, and I knew we were going to hit the show scene for the first time in years and come back with the firsts she so well deserved, she was looking and riding that well, there was no doubt in my mind.

I can honestly say that I had some fantastic times with my mare, but 2012 was the time when I cherished her more than I ever had, I was fully aware that throughout my owning her, she had been the reason I dragged my but out of bed, and seeing her so complete and happy and with Ben at her side, her teaching him the ropes and how to be a ‘horse’ filled me with such a sense of wellbeing. Riding her, was like being given the greatest gift on earth to me, and it was knowing what she had been, how difficult and challenging and what bumps in the road we had faced so many times, that made me feel all the more humble, wealthy beyond limits and privileged to be allowed on her back and to experience her then. She was still fun and fast and could take any horse she wanted, her mother had been a racehorse and she lacked nothing in speed, but she was also honed and schooled and confident, she was a fully fledged schoolmistress.

When Tamar came to do her the second time, I looked at her and noted that she was a little lean, the grazing in the field was fairly low, she was being supplemented and fed, and I recalled that worming was due. It was that moment where you frown slightly, but know its nothing serious. She was still, fit and healthy and happy in herself. I was not concerned at all, we were having bad weather, the grass was taking its time to come through, she never looked fat coming out of winter. I recall being aware that the show wasn’t far away and that I would up her food, worm her and at that point there was no shadow that passed over me. The stables were just about up, and she started to come in, feed and hay was plentiful and she was wormed with Equest, as was Ben.

 

[kchappers]

Ive just read all from page 1! A fantastic story, your writing is wonderful, definitely publish! Wow

 

[BeanyG]

dont comment often but have been reading all of your story, i remember reading the is she/isnt she in foal posts with interest,so sorry to hear all that was going on with your personal life through the years, i think you have been one very strong lady xx

 

[pogface]

Still hooked.

X

 

[Queenbee]

Still hooked.

X

Sorry guys I can't multiquote for some reason, but thank you. It would not have been Eb's true story if I hadn't told some of mine too, as I am sure you realise we are not that far from the end of our 11 years. I may take a break or I may plough on and get it over with. Im not sure yet but stay posted

 

[emma.is]

Please just plough on

 

[Ladyinred]

You are very brave to write all this, I know it can't be easy for you. I hope that it helps you to have it all in the open and I hope that you soon find real contentment and happiness with a person who actually deserves you.

I don't need to tell you that you had a special relationship with Ebony. You know that already, but I believe she was sent to you for a purpose, and that purpose may well have been to save your life and your sanity.. Looking forward to the rest but also sad in that I know what it brings xx

 

[Big Ben]

I have just read through this thread from the start and it is a thoroughly captivating read. Thank you for sharing your life, and it's ups and downs with us. It would make a book for sure.