Queenbee
Well-Known Member
....
As requested... Our stories.
- Thread starter Queenbee
- Start date
Queenbee
Well-Known Member
The 15th came around and I remember clearly that it was a Friday, as I exited my car I was greeted by a couple of heart-warming whinneys from my darling girl, she had eaten all her grass, some of her hay and most of her chaff and mix, she looked a shadow of her former self, I dread to think what her actual weight was, she was normally around 500kg, and whilst the weight tape showed she was 390kg, she was definitely, skinnier than when it had said that a couple of weeks earlier. After discussions with Alex that morning, I had a little more hope but it was also a very beak diagnosis, I knew that, he had spoken with Liverpool Vets, and they had two possible diagnosis, one was neoplasia
cancer, not something I wanted to think about. The other was what I had been seeing on my screen and reading about for weeks now
Malabsorption Syndrome, there is sometimes some hope in such cases by placing the horse on a course of steroids for a month, to try and kick start things and weaning them off them slowly, things have to be managed very carefully because with the weight loss the viscosity of the blood is such that Laminitis could occur, and we were to look into feeding her a very minimal daily wormer dose, to ensure that there was no way worms would settle and aggravate her stomach wall
this was the plan, the only one available that could offer any sort of chance to save Ebony, a chance that would be very slim for a cure, most causes of the syndrome are fatal, one cause was in fact Neoplasia, but there was a slight chance, and I would take that. So we decided to keep her comfortable, and start her treatment on Monday. She seemed more perky that morning but quickly tired throughout the day
. I said goodbye to Alex, and bid him good weekend off, my god with just the dedicated work that he had done with Ebony, he deserved it! I had the Farrier coming to remove her shoes, I just didnt see the point in them being on.
Late afternoon came and I was still up the stable with Ebony and Ben, afternoon was running into evening and the farrier was running late. We had walked in hand, grazing, had our daily groom, I had cried repeatedly into her mane wrapping my arms around her, begging her to fight, I had curled myself around ben thanking him for his patience and good behaviour at being stabled so much during these long torturous weeks. Another livery came up, and whilst we were talking I could hear this occasional knock I realised that Ebony was tiring and her knees were knocking on the door of the stable this happened a few times before I realised what the noise was, I called the farrier and told him to come in the morning, she would not have been able to hold her legs up for him  We went away from her stable door to give her a bit of peace, so she could rest, it was like she was making an effort to be sociable, I kept having that niggling feeling should we go on with the fight? When we came back she was lying down in her stable. The very first week she fell ill, we caught her doing this a few times, to explain the significance of this I have to harken back to a younger, healthy Ebony, she never lay down more prone to box walking or rearing full up in her stable when she was being ignored than lying down, I was never able to rug her because she got so hot under her collar she would sweat up, but here we were, in the middle of summer, double rugged, heavily fed on high calorie feed and so bone tired that she was lying down in her stable and not even jumping up when she saw me. That really hit home, my heart just clenched and wouldnt release.
It has always been a dream of mine to go and cuddle a horse when its lying down like others have been able to do, that has evaded me all my life, and of all the horses that I have been in contact with, the possibility of sharing that moment with Ebony was always the least in my mind. I asked the other livery to take some photos for me of such a precious moment. I slid the bolt on the door, and she looked at me but didnt move, I never believed that our relationship could be more loving or intense than it had been but the absolute trust there blew me away, and I knew she was peaceful and calm, although she was so ill, there just are no words for how humbled I felt then, to be able to share that moment with her, to have played a part in this beautiful ladies life I walked in slowly, smiling at her and whispering I know I was saying something to her because I remember noting that it was hard to talk because I was crying but I couldnt for the life of me tell you what, probably, I love you so much you are wonderful, beautiful, special or words to that effect. I knelt down and we had the most precious moment I have ever felt, I stroked her, cuddled her, kissed her, and the tears rolled down my cheeks as I cried silently, and I made the hardest and easiest decision, it was enough, she couldnt go on, she was tired, I knew that this was where it ended, I loved her and this was the greatest act of love I could give her. I remember looking at her and feeling that sinking feeling as this decision swept over me, it was like my love for her made this decision steam roller over me, there was just no questioning it. I left Ebony to relax for the night, with buckets of food, more hand picked grass and every bit of love I had.
When I got up and walked out of the stable, the other livery could see something was different in me, I told her what I had decided and the colour drained from her face as it had from mine it was the one thing none of us had wanted to face. It was time to say goodbye to Ebony. I went home and got suitably drunk on white wine, and jumped online for some moral support. I was feeling miserable, heartbroken and drained. Surprisingly I slept well, waking up early to go and meet the farrier. It was very important to me to have these shoes off, beforehand if she was well enough, I couldnt tell you why, I suppose I just didnt want it done afterwards and I wanted her last set to keep. As usual she had noticeably more energy after her nights rest, but now she wasnt eating at all, her glands were swollen and it was almost like she was too uncomfortable to eat with her head down. We tied her feed bowl to the door, manufacturing a door manger and filled it to the brim with mollichaff. The farrier was on time, he had been our farrier since I bought her, and even before that with her previous owner, he didnt charge me It was a very sombre moment.
I went back home and rang the vets, eager to get hold of them as soon as they opened. I was worried that they may want me to wait and keep her comfortable until Monday for Alex as he was the one who knew her case, but they were great, I explained that I knew Alex was off this weekend and I didnt mind who came out from the practice, but that she was tired, and it was time. They told me that they would get a vet to call as soon as one was finished with their current appointment. Next on my ticklist was to ring K, the friend who had with her daughter C lived with me for a while, I needed her to be there. I text my YO, and the two liveries to let them know what was happening and rang my ex, who I had been in touch with throughout this time although always at arms length and took him up on his offer, I told him it was time, and that he needed to collect her this afternoon she was to be buried on his land. Then my phone rang
I think I cried when I heard the voice at the end of the phone, I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible, but it was so small and it felt so hard to talk, relief washed over me It was Alex, he was calling from home, I explained how she was, and he said he was coming out, he just had to go to the surgery to get what was needed. I think I must have thanked him 1000 times, It felt right that he was coming out, as he had been with her throughout this pretty much, and he knew her and me. I felt really weird, almost like I was being cheeky when I asked that we use the injection and relaxed beyond measure when he told me it was the only method the practice supported anyway. He would be at my yard in an hour
A week or so before this day I had come up with my plan on how I would handle this day, what my decisions were and how it would happen Now I was so glad I had, I was able to float along inside a weird bubble and just tick the necessaries off in my head.
My mother begged me to let her come, I didnt want her there, I didnt want anyone there that I may have to comfort, I just wanted to be everything for my baby girl, the liveries were there and I asked them to stay with Ben, no one understood that I needed them to leave me and Ebs alone, I didnt want them, but I felt cruel saying that.
Late afternoon came and I was still up the stable with Ebony and Ben, afternoon was running into evening and the farrier was running late. We had walked in hand, grazing, had our daily groom, I had cried repeatedly into her mane wrapping my arms around her, begging her to fight, I had curled myself around ben thanking him for his patience and good behaviour at being stabled so much during these long torturous weeks. Another livery came up, and whilst we were talking I could hear this occasional knock I realised that Ebony was tiring and her knees were knocking on the door of the stable this happened a few times before I realised what the noise was, I called the farrier and told him to come in the morning, she would not have been able to hold her legs up for him  We went away from her stable door to give her a bit of peace, so she could rest, it was like she was making an effort to be sociable, I kept having that niggling feeling should we go on with the fight? When we came back she was lying down in her stable. The very first week she fell ill, we caught her doing this a few times, to explain the significance of this I have to harken back to a younger, healthy Ebony, she never lay down more prone to box walking or rearing full up in her stable when she was being ignored than lying down, I was never able to rug her because she got so hot under her collar she would sweat up, but here we were, in the middle of summer, double rugged, heavily fed on high calorie feed and so bone tired that she was lying down in her stable and not even jumping up when she saw me. That really hit home, my heart just clenched and wouldnt release.
It has always been a dream of mine to go and cuddle a horse when its lying down like others have been able to do, that has evaded me all my life, and of all the horses that I have been in contact with, the possibility of sharing that moment with Ebony was always the least in my mind. I asked the other livery to take some photos for me of such a precious moment. I slid the bolt on the door, and she looked at me but didnt move, I never believed that our relationship could be more loving or intense than it had been but the absolute trust there blew me away, and I knew she was peaceful and calm, although she was so ill, there just are no words for how humbled I felt then, to be able to share that moment with her, to have played a part in this beautiful ladies life I walked in slowly, smiling at her and whispering I know I was saying something to her because I remember noting that it was hard to talk because I was crying but I couldnt for the life of me tell you what, probably, I love you so much you are wonderful, beautiful, special or words to that effect. I knelt down and we had the most precious moment I have ever felt, I stroked her, cuddled her, kissed her, and the tears rolled down my cheeks as I cried silently, and I made the hardest and easiest decision, it was enough, she couldnt go on, she was tired, I knew that this was where it ended, I loved her and this was the greatest act of love I could give her. I remember looking at her and feeling that sinking feeling as this decision swept over me, it was like my love for her made this decision steam roller over me, there was just no questioning it. I left Ebony to relax for the night, with buckets of food, more hand picked grass and every bit of love I had.
When I got up and walked out of the stable, the other livery could see something was different in me, I told her what I had decided and the colour drained from her face as it had from mine it was the one thing none of us had wanted to face. It was time to say goodbye to Ebony. I went home and got suitably drunk on white wine, and jumped online for some moral support. I was feeling miserable, heartbroken and drained. Surprisingly I slept well, waking up early to go and meet the farrier. It was very important to me to have these shoes off, beforehand if she was well enough, I couldnt tell you why, I suppose I just didnt want it done afterwards and I wanted her last set to keep. As usual she had noticeably more energy after her nights rest, but now she wasnt eating at all, her glands were swollen and it was almost like she was too uncomfortable to eat with her head down. We tied her feed bowl to the door, manufacturing a door manger and filled it to the brim with mollichaff. The farrier was on time, he had been our farrier since I bought her, and even before that with her previous owner, he didnt charge me It was a very sombre moment.
I went back home and rang the vets, eager to get hold of them as soon as they opened. I was worried that they may want me to wait and keep her comfortable until Monday for Alex as he was the one who knew her case, but they were great, I explained that I knew Alex was off this weekend and I didnt mind who came out from the practice, but that she was tired, and it was time. They told me that they would get a vet to call as soon as one was finished with their current appointment. Next on my ticklist was to ring K, the friend who had with her daughter C lived with me for a while, I needed her to be there. I text my YO, and the two liveries to let them know what was happening and rang my ex, who I had been in touch with throughout this time although always at arms length and took him up on his offer, I told him it was time, and that he needed to collect her this afternoon she was to be buried on his land. Then my phone rang
I think I cried when I heard the voice at the end of the phone, I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible, but it was so small and it felt so hard to talk, relief washed over me It was Alex, he was calling from home, I explained how she was, and he said he was coming out, he just had to go to the surgery to get what was needed. I think I must have thanked him 1000 times, It felt right that he was coming out, as he had been with her throughout this pretty much, and he knew her and me. I felt really weird, almost like I was being cheeky when I asked that we use the injection and relaxed beyond measure when he told me it was the only method the practice supported anyway. He would be at my yard in an hour
A week or so before this day I had come up with my plan on how I would handle this day, what my decisions were and how it would happen Now I was so glad I had, I was able to float along inside a weird bubble and just tick the necessaries off in my head.
My mother begged me to let her come, I didnt want her there, I didnt want anyone there that I may have to comfort, I just wanted to be everything for my baby girl, the liveries were there and I asked them to stay with Ben, no one understood that I needed them to leave me and Ebs alone, I didnt want them, but I felt cruel saying that.
Queenbee
Well-Known Member
Alex arrived and we walked down to the grassy paddock, Ebony and I had a few minutes together, me pulling grass for her to eat because she couldn’t put her head down and telling her everything she meant to me and everything she meant to me, trying to pack it all into the precious few minutes we had left. The sun literally poked its head through I had had my cuddles and was stood infront of Ebony, but set back so she could see my, talking to her and stroking her face… As I saw Alex come around with the injection… I recall dampening down the urge to stop what was happening, but I looked back into my wonderful girls eyes and told her I loved her… As her legs started to buckle and her head dipped I remember whispering ‘Oh god, oh god, oh god…’ and shaking head to toe feeling sick, the ‘oh gods’ some how changed to ‘I love you’s over and over and over, as I kept stroking her face, pausing only as she fell, then dropping to my knees to continue, holding her head and her close for as long as I could. It was at that point that K pulled into the yard, If there was fire and broken glass, she would have run through and over it… she enveloped me and held me and my girl tight, covering Ebony’s eye while we waited and waited for Alex to say she was gone, that her heart had stopped beating, when it had, she lifted her hand and Ebonys eye, once a clear and sparkly dark brown was a cloudy opaque… and I felt I could leave as I knew she had. We walked back to the yard, to where the other liveries were waiting with Ben, and I collapsed into my chair… unable to cry any more and feeling a completely empty shell. It was how everyone felt…
I had spent some minutes with Alex thanking him, he had said goodbye to ben and he had told me how it was so much harder to get a vein today, there was no doubt that the time was right and he had left. It was so surreal, we were sat there, feeling empty drinking tea, and reminiscing about the good days, the days before she got ill. K and the other liveries, had gone down to cover her over with rugs and got some mane and tail for me… another thing that I couldn’t face doing before she was gone.
I had been worrying myself sick for weeks that if/when this happened I would reject Ben, resent him for not being her. One look at him and I knew that I didn’t have to worry about that, he was in his stable and looking so bewildered, it was time for him to see her body, I led him out and I thought my heart would break all over again, he was coming apart in front of my eyes. As he rounded the corner he saw her body and I thought he was going to bolt for it and bank 4 ft into the paddock, but he just about held on and managed to hear my voice, I unclipped him and he ran through the gate to her… It was the most heartbreaking sight… he looked so lost, and I immediately loved him 100 times more, he needed me and he was hurting with his loss. Once ben had said goodbye and come to terms with the fact that she was gone he went back in his stable, he was as much of an empty shell at that point as I was… he was thoroughly washed out. ‘X’ arrived and with the help of my YO hoisted her onto the flat bed trailer… apparently even he was shocked, funnily enough, throughout our years of being together, his cheating and violence, no matter how much that affected me, I looked a million times worse that day, and at that very moment I would have given anything for him to hold me tight, despite everything he had done, but in truth, he was so shaken by how I looked he was frightened to touch me, so he took her away, to do what he knew he could do for me, and he buried her.
After that, I went home, and sat in front of the computer, watching endless messages coming from people I had never met, but who were truly shaken by that days final even… the people who had kept me strong throughout our fight, without the people on Horse and Hound, I don’t know how I would have made it to that day or through it. It was that night that someone posted a poem, and at that point I did cry, I felt every word of that poem and it killed me, it felt so true…
God's Foal
I'll lend you for a little while
My grandest foal, He said,
For you to love while she's alive
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be one or twenty years,
Or days or months, you see.
But, will you, till I take her back,
Take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have treasured memories
To bring solace in your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But, there are lessons taught on earth
I want this foal to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
With trust I have selected you.
Now will you give her your total love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come
To take her back again?
I know you'll give her tenderness
And love will bloom each day.
And for the happiness you've known
Forever grateful stay.
But should I come and call for her
Much sooner than you'd planned,
You'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And someday understand.
I drank wine and kept reading it and breaking, crying my heart out. Life was so cruel.
Over the next few days I spent hours and hours with Ben, he despised being out, he went out in the paddock alone, but it took effort just to get him out he would walk so slowly and when he got there he would relax if I was there and eat, but go frantic when I left, then he would just stand there not eating. He was moody and put his ears back and try to kick at the other liveries horses, outside of the yard area… the only time he was relaxed was when he was in his stable or when I was with him. I didn’t have any time to grieve, though my pain was there it was worry about him that occupied me, he was hurting, he was missing her and he felt alone. Since he had been weaned, she had always been there for him, and now she was gone, it was devastating to see the effect it had on him, how haunted he looked, no longer the fun loving carefree baby, he had had a huge introduction to how harsh the world could be. His loss of Ebony affected me more greatly than my own and it took priority it was then that I decided, to give him a couple of weeks to adjust, then send him away for backing, to clear out from the yard and all its painful memories for both of us, and to contact Aunty G and see if she had any spaces… he would move in there when he came back to me.
Thank you all for reading this… There will be one more instalment which I will try to tap out this weekend, it will be entitled ‘six months later’
I had spent some minutes with Alex thanking him, he had said goodbye to ben and he had told me how it was so much harder to get a vein today, there was no doubt that the time was right and he had left. It was so surreal, we were sat there, feeling empty drinking tea, and reminiscing about the good days, the days before she got ill. K and the other liveries, had gone down to cover her over with rugs and got some mane and tail for me… another thing that I couldn’t face doing before she was gone.
I had been worrying myself sick for weeks that if/when this happened I would reject Ben, resent him for not being her. One look at him and I knew that I didn’t have to worry about that, he was in his stable and looking so bewildered, it was time for him to see her body, I led him out and I thought my heart would break all over again, he was coming apart in front of my eyes. As he rounded the corner he saw her body and I thought he was going to bolt for it and bank 4 ft into the paddock, but he just about held on and managed to hear my voice, I unclipped him and he ran through the gate to her… It was the most heartbreaking sight… he looked so lost, and I immediately loved him 100 times more, he needed me and he was hurting with his loss. Once ben had said goodbye and come to terms with the fact that she was gone he went back in his stable, he was as much of an empty shell at that point as I was… he was thoroughly washed out. ‘X’ arrived and with the help of my YO hoisted her onto the flat bed trailer… apparently even he was shocked, funnily enough, throughout our years of being together, his cheating and violence, no matter how much that affected me, I looked a million times worse that day, and at that very moment I would have given anything for him to hold me tight, despite everything he had done, but in truth, he was so shaken by how I looked he was frightened to touch me, so he took her away, to do what he knew he could do for me, and he buried her.
After that, I went home, and sat in front of the computer, watching endless messages coming from people I had never met, but who were truly shaken by that days final even… the people who had kept me strong throughout our fight, without the people on Horse and Hound, I don’t know how I would have made it to that day or through it. It was that night that someone posted a poem, and at that point I did cry, I felt every word of that poem and it killed me, it felt so true…
God's Foal
I'll lend you for a little while
My grandest foal, He said,
For you to love while she's alive
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be one or twenty years,
Or days or months, you see.
But, will you, till I take her back,
Take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have treasured memories
To bring solace in your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But, there are lessons taught on earth
I want this foal to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
With trust I have selected you.
Now will you give her your total love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come
To take her back again?
I know you'll give her tenderness
And love will bloom each day.
And for the happiness you've known
Forever grateful stay.
But should I come and call for her
Much sooner than you'd planned,
You'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And someday understand.
I drank wine and kept reading it and breaking, crying my heart out. Life was so cruel.
Over the next few days I spent hours and hours with Ben, he despised being out, he went out in the paddock alone, but it took effort just to get him out he would walk so slowly and when he got there he would relax if I was there and eat, but go frantic when I left, then he would just stand there not eating. He was moody and put his ears back and try to kick at the other liveries horses, outside of the yard area… the only time he was relaxed was when he was in his stable or when I was with him. I didn’t have any time to grieve, though my pain was there it was worry about him that occupied me, he was hurting, he was missing her and he felt alone. Since he had been weaned, she had always been there for him, and now she was gone, it was devastating to see the effect it had on him, how haunted he looked, no longer the fun loving carefree baby, he had had a huge introduction to how harsh the world could be. His loss of Ebony affected me more greatly than my own and it took priority it was then that I decided, to give him a couple of weeks to adjust, then send him away for backing, to clear out from the yard and all its painful memories for both of us, and to contact Aunty G and see if she had any spaces… he would move in there when he came back to me.
Thank you all for reading this… There will be one more instalment which I will try to tap out this weekend, it will be entitled ‘six months later’
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Nicnac
Well-Known Member
Ooo day off today and 2 new 'chapters' to catch up on. Need an alarm to let us know when the thread is updated!
Is writing about it making it any easier QB? It should make you realise what a fantastic job you did with Ebony - so much easier to have given up, but you didn't.
If you don't update before, have a fantastic holiday
========================================================================================
Wrote the above too soon as you were posting the last 2 bits while I wrote. Now sitting here with very leaky eyes (from someone who doesn't 'do' crying...... Can't imagine how you were writing that..... Hug Ben from me x
Is writing about it making it any easier QB? It should make you realise what a fantastic job you did with Ebony - so much easier to have given up, but you didn't.
If you don't update before, have a fantastic holiday
========================================================================================
Wrote the above too soon as you were posting the last 2 bits while I wrote. Now sitting here with very leaky eyes (from someone who doesn't 'do' crying...... Can't imagine how you were writing that..... Hug Ben from me x
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sophiebailey
Well-Known Member
Thanks for sharing QB, shouldn't have read the last two posts at work, made a fool of myself by having to explain why i'm crying my eyes out.
You're so brave, Ebony was so brave. I can't put into words my admiration for you and your beautiful mare.
xxxx
You're so brave, Ebony was so brave. I can't put into words my admiration for you and your beautiful mare.
xxxx
emma.is
Well-Known Member
beautifully written, I'm honestly crying for you both x
Equilibrium Ireland
Well-Known Member
Oh geez, that should have had a tissue warning. I'm so sorry QueenBee. I'm so glad I "met" Ebony through you. I catch myself thinking of you and her story now and again. FWIW, I had to have a 3 1/2 week old foal put down after an accident. I will never forget how her mother grieved for her. We had to leave her with the dead foal for a bit but after 6 hours of not grazing or drinking and just standing over her now dead foal, we had to take her away. It broke my heart to see her that way. I don't care we are not supposed to put human emotions on horses, that was grief. We also had a client mare and foal on the place. That foal used to run up to Stella in her small paddock whinnying. I told my husband to move them somewhere else because it was driving Stella mental.
Thank you for sharing.
Terri
Thank you for sharing.
Terri
Ventus
Active Member
Queenbee, my heart is sore for you. Your story is truly beautiful but equally heart-breaking. She sounded like an amazing girl, and the partnership you shared is something I hope to have with a horse one day. Take care of yourself, and remember the amazing times you had together. x
MrVelvet
Well-Known Member
When I was planning for the end - that was my chosen poem too. Truly beautiful words.
xxxxxxx
xxxxxxx
janei
Well-Known Member
A truly amazing partnership you had with her, a wonderful horse, thanks for sharing your story. x
Piccy
Well-Known Member
Queenbee, I am sitting at my desk my lunch un touched tears streaming down my face, my heart breaks for you but holds together for the love you had for her and her for you...
Gracie21
Well-Known Member
QB I'm pouring my eyes out, I've had to stop reading because I couldn't see the screen. You are a wonderful writer. I have never felt love from a person to another creature like this, it's amazing
Queenbee
Well-Known Member
Six months on...
Once ben was packed up and sent off to boot camp, my body physically relaxed, it had been a hard year and what had really struck me was how I woke up the day after I had said goodbye to Ebony, and there was another day, a normal day… life went on, just as it always had… it was quite surreal. Ben left for boot camp in the second week of July and with that we said goodbye to the yard, we would never have to look at that stable, the tack room, the paddock, the lane she would graze… those painful triggers. All her tack and her show gear she never got to wear was put away to be dealt with when I was strong enough, as was her rugs… the rugs she had worn when I said goodbye to her.
I had, six whole weeks without horses, to just be me for a bit, People were wonderful and kept offering me horses to ride, but I declined… I needed my first ride to be on Ben, it was the only right thing for me. As it was, my horse holiday was short lived, Ben was a wonderful student and was back with me sooner than planned. Three weeks to the day that I sent him away, he walked into the trailer like a saint and unloaded at his new yard… Aunty G’s, and he was so perfectly happy, I had back my baby boy and he wasn’t a little lost soul anymore. That was on August the 1st.
Its hard to finish this tale off, without jumping from topic to topic, Ben means so much to me in so many different ways, he is to me, despite not being bred from Ebs, a lasting part of her because of all the time she spent with him, teaching him, playing with him and chastising him and then putting up with his relentless throwing of his space hopper into her stable in the middle of the night. He is entirely different to her, in so many ways, but just like her, you can’t help but want to do best for him, be the best for him. Without him, I would have given up riding and never got back on a horse again on June 16th, but he gave me a reason to continue and he is the reason I enjoy continuing. He is enthusiastic and cheeky, a proper little boy and I look forward to seeing him everyday. It is a totally different relationship with him, I will have to teach this lummox his strides when jumping, whereas Ebony needed to find her own. Yesterday after work it was freezing cold and hailing, I went to open the trunk with all the rugs in and steeled myself for the sight of the mark todd medium weight which to me had become such a symbol of my loss, I had resolved to get rid of it, not being able to consider putting it on ben, he had his own moth eaten medium weight rug anyway further down in the trunk… when I opened the trunk, there it was and suddenly, nearly six months on I realised, its ok for him to wear it now, it is the best quality rug, the warmest and the nicest, and he absolutely deserves it. So I picked it up and put it in his stable so he could have a sniff of it, he seemed fine with it so on it went, and I actually felt so warm and fuzzy, very content, turning him out in my old girls special rug, the rug that had kept her warm when she so needed it, was now keeping him warm.
They say everything happens for a reason, and I am a true believer in that. Although I wish there was no reason for Ebs to have to have left me so early I do not believe that I would have any horse now if I hadn’t seen Ben that day that x and I went for a barbecue at a friends, and quite possibly if we had been more content, I wouldn’t have got Ben anyway. Without Ebony the world for me is a poorer place, but it is rich in that I have my boy, a wonderful horse at the start of his life, to see his enthusiasm for learning is infectious. For a while x and I drifted along, but after losing Ebony, my heart was cold to him and my tolerance for people who didn’t deserve to be in my life was low… beyond low. After yet another idiotic violent tantrum thrown by x a while back it truly hit me, that I couldn’t stand him anymore, I couldn’t stand him near me, I didn’t want to see him and I certainly didn’t love him, I realised that I was wasting my life, and I had already wasted far too much of it. I went home, and have refused to acknowledge any contact since. The morning after this I woke up so happy. Now I have a new job, a fantastic horse, memories of the most amazing horse that ever breathed breath on this earth and I am going to look at a house to buy tomorrow morning before I jet off on holiday for some much deserved R & R, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for one more ride on my gorgeous girl, but that is not possible, I thank her for all her time with me, for the memories, the love and for everything I have become because of her. I feel positively blessed and very humble that of all the people in all the world… I should have been the lucky one to be able to share my life with her.
Thank you to all who read this and thank you once again for all your support during Ebonys illness. You really will never know how much it meant to me.
X Em X
Once ben was packed up and sent off to boot camp, my body physically relaxed, it had been a hard year and what had really struck me was how I woke up the day after I had said goodbye to Ebony, and there was another day, a normal day… life went on, just as it always had… it was quite surreal. Ben left for boot camp in the second week of July and with that we said goodbye to the yard, we would never have to look at that stable, the tack room, the paddock, the lane she would graze… those painful triggers. All her tack and her show gear she never got to wear was put away to be dealt with when I was strong enough, as was her rugs… the rugs she had worn when I said goodbye to her.
I had, six whole weeks without horses, to just be me for a bit, People were wonderful and kept offering me horses to ride, but I declined… I needed my first ride to be on Ben, it was the only right thing for me. As it was, my horse holiday was short lived, Ben was a wonderful student and was back with me sooner than planned. Three weeks to the day that I sent him away, he walked into the trailer like a saint and unloaded at his new yard… Aunty G’s, and he was so perfectly happy, I had back my baby boy and he wasn’t a little lost soul anymore. That was on August the 1st.
Its hard to finish this tale off, without jumping from topic to topic, Ben means so much to me in so many different ways, he is to me, despite not being bred from Ebs, a lasting part of her because of all the time she spent with him, teaching him, playing with him and chastising him and then putting up with his relentless throwing of his space hopper into her stable in the middle of the night. He is entirely different to her, in so many ways, but just like her, you can’t help but want to do best for him, be the best for him. Without him, I would have given up riding and never got back on a horse again on June 16th, but he gave me a reason to continue and he is the reason I enjoy continuing. He is enthusiastic and cheeky, a proper little boy and I look forward to seeing him everyday. It is a totally different relationship with him, I will have to teach this lummox his strides when jumping, whereas Ebony needed to find her own. Yesterday after work it was freezing cold and hailing, I went to open the trunk with all the rugs in and steeled myself for the sight of the mark todd medium weight which to me had become such a symbol of my loss, I had resolved to get rid of it, not being able to consider putting it on ben, he had his own moth eaten medium weight rug anyway further down in the trunk… when I opened the trunk, there it was and suddenly, nearly six months on I realised, its ok for him to wear it now, it is the best quality rug, the warmest and the nicest, and he absolutely deserves it. So I picked it up and put it in his stable so he could have a sniff of it, he seemed fine with it so on it went, and I actually felt so warm and fuzzy, very content, turning him out in my old girls special rug, the rug that had kept her warm when she so needed it, was now keeping him warm.
They say everything happens for a reason, and I am a true believer in that. Although I wish there was no reason for Ebs to have to have left me so early I do not believe that I would have any horse now if I hadn’t seen Ben that day that x and I went for a barbecue at a friends, and quite possibly if we had been more content, I wouldn’t have got Ben anyway. Without Ebony the world for me is a poorer place, but it is rich in that I have my boy, a wonderful horse at the start of his life, to see his enthusiasm for learning is infectious. For a while x and I drifted along, but after losing Ebony, my heart was cold to him and my tolerance for people who didn’t deserve to be in my life was low… beyond low. After yet another idiotic violent tantrum thrown by x a while back it truly hit me, that I couldn’t stand him anymore, I couldn’t stand him near me, I didn’t want to see him and I certainly didn’t love him, I realised that I was wasting my life, and I had already wasted far too much of it. I went home, and have refused to acknowledge any contact since. The morning after this I woke up so happy. Now I have a new job, a fantastic horse, memories of the most amazing horse that ever breathed breath on this earth and I am going to look at a house to buy tomorrow morning before I jet off on holiday for some much deserved R & R, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for one more ride on my gorgeous girl, but that is not possible, I thank her for all her time with me, for the memories, the love and for everything I have become because of her. I feel positively blessed and very humble that of all the people in all the world… I should have been the lucky one to be able to share my life with her.
Thank you to all who read this and thank you once again for all your support during Ebonys illness. You really will never know how much it meant to me.
X Em X
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councillor
Well-Known Member
Queenbee I missed most of your posts when you were going through your fight to keep you girl going, but I just wanted to say your story deserves to be told and you have done so beautifully.
Im sure Im not the only one who can relate to so many things you have gone through. I lost my boy, who was my greatest love, three years ago after he and I went through very difficult times together and I still miss him with every breath I take.
You are very brave and a credit to every horse lover for giving such unconditional love to Ebony, well done and I wish you every luck and great joy for your future with Ben xxxx
Im sure Im not the only one who can relate to so many things you have gone through. I lost my boy, who was my greatest love, three years ago after he and I went through very difficult times together and I still miss him with every breath I take.
You are very brave and a credit to every horse lover for giving such unconditional love to Ebony, well done and I wish you every luck and great joy for your future with Ben xxxx
Queenbee
Well-Known Member
Im not going to post her photos of her poorly, they can be found on this forum but they are not necesarry wasn't able to post this picture earlier, as I couldn't get on facebook... this is our last photo... it was waiting for me the day after we said goodbye...
it is by my bed xxx
it is by my bed xxx
Cheiro1
Well-Known Member
I am not sure what to say.
Your bravery in writing down such painful memories is testament to you, Ebony was a stunning girl and she will be proud of how Ben and you are getting on x
Your bravery in writing down such painful memories is testament to you, Ebony was a stunning girl and she will be proud of how Ben and you are getting on
xridefast
Well-Known Member
Oh Queenbee your story has touched me in a way I can't describe, I had to comment even though I have no words...
ELFSBELLS
Well-Known Member
Thankyou so much for having the courage to write this, and so beautifully, I wish you many happy years and memories with Ben xx
Big Ben
Well-Known Member
I'm glad that your story ends with new beginnings, it is the way, Ebony took you on a journey, and gave you the strength to take the next steps after she had to leave you.
I managed to read quite far before I cried, but strangely it was giving Ben her rug that made me cry at last.
The horse that captured the biggest past of my heart was a little colt, who I didn't particularly want, I wanted his dam and the little man just came with. We only had him a few short weeks before he died after a very short illness, but he left a huge hole in my life and my heart.
After him we had many foals born here, but none got to wear my little boys halter, until Angel was born last year, then it became time to hand it on, and she wore it well.
I'm glad that you had Ben there to wear her blanket.
I managed to read quite far before I cried, but strangely it was giving Ben her rug that made me cry at last.
The horse that captured the biggest past of my heart was a little colt, who I didn't particularly want, I wanted his dam and the little man just came with. We only had him a few short weeks before he died after a very short illness, but he left a huge hole in my life and my heart.
After him we had many foals born here, but none got to wear my little boys halter, until Angel was born last year, then it became time to hand it on, and she wore it well.
I'm glad that you had Ben there to wear her blanket.
HappyNeds
Well-Known Member
Beautiful story, very moving from start to finish. I did follow your other thread, and I can't believe it's been 6 months already. Thank you for sharing all this with us, very touching xxx
And have a great well-deserved holiday
And have a great well-deserved holiday
Nicnac
Well-Known Member
Thank you for sharing this x
(and so glad you got rid of your x!)
(and so glad you got rid of your x!)
wallykissmas
Well-Known Member
It's been lovely to read your story , ebony sounded an amazing horse and its lovely to hear about Ben, I'm sure he will turn into a wonderful guy after all ebony's help.
I'm a,so glad you got rid of x, he sounds like a right pig who could suck the soul out of a rock.
I hope you have a wonderful holiday and can't wait to see pics of your new house.
I'm a,so glad you got rid of x, he sounds like a right pig who could suck the soul out of a rock.
I hope you have a wonderful holiday and can't wait to see pics of your new house.
Nannon
Well-Known Member
Oh QB I'm so glad you wrote this, it's just beautiful and I'm so glad you shared it with us all - I didn't want to read the end as I followed the thread when Ebony got ill - cried my eyes out at the end of that and this.
Thank you for sharing and I hope you have many happy years with Ben
Thank you for sharing and I hope you have many happy years with Ben
thehorsephotographer
Well-Known Member
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I hope that in some way sharing it with us on here has helped. xx
YasandCrystal
Well-Known Member
Thank-you for sharing. You so write from the heart - please write a book, it will be a bestseller.
So extremely moving x
So extremely moving x
chels
Well-Known Member
I've sat here and read 21 pages, and bawled and bawled and bawled.
What an amazing mare, you were so lucky to have found each other.
And such a beautifully written story, even the yucky bits, you are very very talented xx
What an amazing mare, you were so lucky to have found each other.
And such a beautifully written story, even the yucky bits, you are very very talented xx
BillyBob-Sleigh
Well-Known Member
Bless you QB, this is so moving. I have cried my eyes out reading this. I have never yet had to put a horse down but it's something we all have to prepare ourselves for - it's part of animal ownership. Massive ((hugs)) and enjoy your holiday, my god you deserve it girl! xx
Emilieu
Well-Known Member
Oh QB I just caught up with your last few posts. That pic of you and ebs made me cry again as it did the first time I saw it.
I hope you have a wonderful holiday and look forward to the Ben updates xxx
I hope you have a wonderful holiday and look forward to the Ben updates xxx
pogface
Well-Known Member
Well done for writing all this down. I have followed your story from early this year, and have felt for you all the way. I am so glad you have made such progress with Ben and in life generally. I look forward to reading more updates and seeing photos of him.
Ebony was lucky to have you x
Ebony was lucky to have you x
Queenbee
Well-Known Member
Thank you everyone, so glad you enjoyed our story, there are a lot of words in this thread written by me but in reality, words can't even describe how much she meant to me and what a wonderful impact she had on my life... Well Ben is in his big sisters mark todd and all toasty back in Cornwall being looked after by aunty g and I am now in buckingham with my sister having dropped off my nephew and neice who stayed with me for half term... Up in the middle of the night to drive to gatwick and jet off for 5 star spa pampering luxury and sunshine in turkey... Can't wait, but will probably be online during hols as the wifi is free in the hotel will think of you all freezing in uk xxxx
will think of you all freezing in uk xxxx