At a cross roads- buy a horse or give up

[I don’t like mondays]

Hi
I’m after some words of advice and wisdom. Had horses all my life then had a break of 13yrs for career then kids. Bought my forever horse 3 years ago. We probably had 6 good months but things went wrong and I had probably the worst 12 months of my life (he had KS, SI and serious behavioural issues, I gave him everything, nursed him but I eventually burnt out, I also got injured several times and he never came right so was PTS). When I lost him, I was devestated, but over time a weight lifted and I realised how miserable I’d been

As you can imagine this really put me off horses so I tried to fill my life with other things (although I’m around horses every day with my kids ponies). I’ve been loving the freedom of being selfish, going to the gym and spending money on non horsey things for the past 5 months. For so long I was doing 6 days Pw rehab, worrying is he losing top line again, how long have we trotted today, how many transitions, stretches. Is he going to rear again, is he going to kick or is he having a good day. I was so miserable (and so was he). It felt like a prison sentence and not a hobby

I really thought I was over this whole horse thing (lol) so started selling my things, swore I’d never get another and just been a pony mum. Anyway, I woke up a few days ago and felt sadness out of nowhere and yearning for a (normal) horse that I could just groom, hack and do normal things with (I didn’t really have this with my late horse sadly). Because horse ownership hasn’t been normal for so long, I don’t know if it makes me happy or not.

How do you know whether to give up or buy again?

I can’t afford to buy something ready made in the current market so it would need to be an ROR type or youngster.

I’ve still got the daily commitment (and expense) of horses whatever I do because I’ve got kids ponies.

Ultimately if I had a horse I could tie up and groom, travel, do local dressage with, I think I’d love it. My recent experience has been so far from that, that I don’t think I can imagine what it could be like

thank you (esp if you got this far)

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

See if you can find a share somewhere, it may not be for you in the long run but it's a good way to dip your toe in without too much cost/time commitment - then you'll be in a better position to know whether you want to take on more or not.

 

[milliepops]

Your post is very relatable. I got completely burnt out this winter after a fairly relentless 2+ year period of nursing broken horses, various other dramas and running around after a bunch of other retirees. When my advanced horse had to retire a friend said she wanted to buy my youngster and at that point I actually thought that after 30 years I was ready for a break from trying to have anything to ride and would just tend to the crocks in the field and save some money a weight lifted.

As it happened she pulled out and I actually felt a bit crushed by the thought of keeping going, like you I have had an absolute gutsfull of all the crap side of horses, endless stress and heartbreak. My reaction told me I needed to sell him anyway, I had originally planned to back and keep him for myself but having had that weird epiphany i figured i needed to listen to my emotions and just stop fighting.

..... and then..... a friend sent me an advert for a very nice quality horse available for loan. He is not a straightforward character but he is a nice person and I felt like I had something that i wanted to put some effort into again. i am still selling my youngster because I know I don't have the support/help/time etc that I need to do a good job with him but the loan one will stay. we've had a bumpy start because he's had an abscess BUT we are getting to know each other and I am thinking about the future with him now.

I think you have to follow your gut instinct on things like this. You know the huge highs and lows you get with horses so it has to be something that *feels* right. A share is a good suggestion... it might give you a bit of care free horse time to just see if you have the mojo for another of your own. Although it's a big responsibility i think this loan is a bit the same for me - obviously i would be very sad if he went wrong and will do my utmost to avoid that happening ... but ultimately it's not going to be another millstone around my neck.

 

[Red-1]

I went through this recently, had a sporty young horse who was lovely but needed more than I could give whilst mum was ill. I sold up and wasn't even sure I wanted to ride any more. Sporty horse was out eventing within 6 weeks with her new rider, she is now having a ball. She was sound, just didn't bring me joy.

I bought Rigsby Cob, not even knowing if he would make a ridden horse. He was not sound - finishing box rest, lami, ems, borderline cushings, copd... It actually felt OK! My aim was just to do him, no expectations. I just wanted one to love.

He came good, was rideable, and that gave me the motivation and mental boost to buy the new one, 4yo straight from Ireland, unseen. He has been great too.

It is a lot easier when they are great!

I would say to go view a few. Find one that grabs you. Find one where you really want to buy. If you don't, you don't. The right horse makes it fun.

 

[Bernster]

I’d explore the share or loan route first. Not easy to find I get, but a good way to dip your toe back in and assess how you feel. In doing that it might make things clearer for you as it sounds like you know what ownership involves (but it does bring with it some added risks ofc!).

 

[Tarragon]

It was always my dream to go out riding with my children - as it was, despite having 3 girls, none of them caught the riding bug.
I think that what you need is a sensible no-nonsense gentle soul that enjoys hacking that will allow you your own horsey time and also let you accompany your children out riding when they have got to that stage, you can exercise their ponies riding and leading, and in the fullness of time, you will probably find that the children will start riding your horse!
Go for it

 

[Leandy]

Well if you aren't sure you want your own then I wouldn't. Horses cost too much to get one you don't really actually want! Follow your gut instinct as others have said. Having said that, I've done the pony thing with mine. Kids grow FAST! Depending slightly on your size and shape, you will rapidly find you can ride your kids ponies/horses. As soon as my child was 12 and we got her first 14.2hh, we had something big enough for me to ride again. Then she had a 16 hander and I was very happy stealing that sometimes. Now she has a rather sharp 17 hh youngster which I'm currently too wimpy to get on but no doubt will do once it is tamed! There was overlap with all these so generally we have had two going and I could hop on one if I wanted and we ride together. So what I'm saying is you may well shortly get to being able to ride your kids' hand-me-downs!

 

[Birker2020]

I could have written your post, I have the horse with the SI and the possible KS and the hocks and everything in between, had him 5 months, ridden him 8 times. Heartbreaking especially as I really enjoyed the first few rides, I feel everything is against me, he's on box rest for the third time now. Was undoubtedly without full disclosure when I bought him, probably previous owner had gone through all I'm going through now, maybe she was at the start of the journey, maybe she just suspected. Either way I was an idiot falling for him but we are where we are and i can't turn the clock back sad as it is. And would I really want to? Do love him in my own way.

I've already decided (after having 4 months of release from stress, financial burden and heartache) after losing my lovely 24 year old horse in June last year that if he doesn't work and I do manage to sell him to someone with full disclosure I won't be having another horse until such time I can comfortably have one in a few years. I actually found myself enjoying myself, buying clothes, going to the gym more, going out for meals, it was quite nice.

I've thrown everything I can at this new one but I'm fast losing interest if I'm honest. Nobody seems to get where I'm at or understand how I feel. I tell people that I'm not interested in being nurse or doing anymore long term rehab and they look at me like I'm disgusting for even saying this. But the enthusiasm of constant rehab has worn me down, the dreams dashed the hopes knocked away. Yes, it would be great if a loan horse came up, but in reality they are very few and far between, especially round by me.

I hope you find something, if you do go ahead and buy another one and sorry about your previous horse, I'm so hoping mine doesn't end up going the same way.

I'm wondering if you are feeling like you want another horse as the nights are getting longer, the weather warmer and we are approaching the spring when everything looks and feels more positive.

 

[Jules111]

Could you do something with your children's pony? If pony isn't big enough for you to ride could you try driving? My daughter's 13hh pony will be outgrown in the next year or so and I'm absolutely rubbish at selling them on so I had him broken to drive last year. He's a star and very steady so it was quite easy. I never imagined my self driving but I actually love it, with the right pony is very relaxing and something I can imagine doing long after I'm too old to drag my old bones onto to my 16hh+ horses.

 

[Widgeon]

Depending on how tall and heavy you are could you find something like a large NF youngster to back in a year or so and ride on? That way you'd have your own project that might turn into a nice riding pony for you and maybe even one of the kids (down the line) - and if not, you'll have added some value and can sell on without feeling guilty.

 

[Identityincrisis]

I had 5 years of misery with my previous horse. He was just awful, biting/rearing/breaking free/barging awful behaviour, despite me being no pushover. I had decided to sell him when he went lame, tw*t! I rehabbed him for 2 years, he was more awful than before, i thought he was finally coming right when he went bilaterally lame. I PTSat that point. I was traumatised! I,like you, couldn't remember why i had horses, i was mentally and physically drained and decided to quit. That lasted a week!

I slowly and quietly started looking, nothing felt right for a couple of months, then i saw a horse at a dealer who was just wow but an Arab, knob horse was an Anglo Arab and i swore i wouldn't get another! He was also younger than i wanted, i wanted to get going straight away, he had just been backed, anyway, 3 years on I'm pleased i took gamble as he is the most wonderful horse and TOTALLY restored my faith that horses are fun!! It took me a long time not to flinch when a horse nuzzled me as i always expected teeth to follow but gradually the trauma fades and you relax into it again

DO IT!!!

 

[Cortez]

It is entirely possible to ride and mess about with horses on an occasional basis without owning one.

 

[I don’t like mondays]

Your post is very relatable. I got completely burnt out this winter after a fairly relentless 2+ year period of nursing broken horses, various other dramas and running around after a bunch of other retirees. When my advanced horse had to retire a friend said she wanted to buy my youngster and at that point I actually thought that after 30 years I was ready for a break from trying to have anything to ride and would just tend to the crocks in the field and save some money a weight lifted.

As it happened she pulled out and I actually felt a bit crushed by the thought of keeping going, like you I have had an absolute gutsfull of all the crap side of horses, endless stress and heartbreak. My reaction told me I needed to sell him anyway, I had originally planned to back and keep him for myself but having had that weird epiphany i figured i needed to listen to my emotions and just stop fighting.

..... and then..... a friend sent me an advert for a very nice quality horse available for loan. He is not a straightforward character but he is a nice person and I felt like I had something that i wanted to put some effort into again. i am still selling my youngster because I know I don't have the support/help/time etc that I need to do a good job with him but the loan one will stay. we've had a bumpy start because he's had an abscess BUT we are getting to know each other and I am thinking about the future with him now.

I think you have to follow your gut instinct on things like this. You know the huge highs and lows you get with horses so it has to be something that *feels* right. A share is a good suggestion... it might give you a bit of care free horse time to just see if you have the mojo for another of your own. Although it's a big responsibility i think this loan is a bit the same for me - obviously i would be very sad if he went wrong and will do my utmost to avoid that happening ... but ultimately it's not going to be another millstone around my neck.

Thanks Milliepops, gosh sounds like you’ve been through a lot too. How exciting about your new loan horse. My heart is saying try again but my gut is saying be careful because you could end up with a broken horse again :-(

 

[ycbm]

I adore my current one but if he goes wrong I don't think I can face going through the heartache all over again and he's likely to be the last I own. While I'm still a capable rider I will try to loan in future.
.

 

[MuddyMonster]

I'd try sharing or lessons/hacking from an EC to see if you want to up that involvement or are happy with riding once or a few times a week

If you want to do more then you can look to buy from there, if you're happy with some involvement then it might be perfect but it's also easy to walk away from it without sorting the logistics if your heart isn't in it.

 

[throwawayaccount]

Quite a few months ago, I started to feel disillusioned with almost 2 years of rehabbing with my mare to have her seemingly retired.I gave her 8/9 months off and switched vets: I owed her everything as she’d pulled me out a dark place and I love her to pieces. I missed riding though and always felt left out.
I then found a lovely gelding to full loan and fell in love.
My mare, under my new vet, began a new course of medicine and came as “right” as she ever will; she can withstand some hacking at current. She’s so happy going down the road and really enjoys it and I do too.
my gelding I can do considerably more (ie school) and am bringing him into fitness. I’m now going to buy him.
So life works in strange ways, I think you should look for a share or loan to dip your toes in and see where that takes you. X

 

[SEL]

I have three walking vet bills in the field (& already had one PTS in Jan). The last one was a pony I took on over lockdown who had just weaned her foal and the plan was just to have fun and enjoy her before finding a decent child rider. Poor pony has had nothing but problems but the three months we had last year before she damaged herself made me realise how much I miss the riding and the just having fun. Now two of them are on rehab and it is completely soul destroying.

I've already decided that once I can't feel heat in her ligament any longer she's getting turned out and if she's happy in the paddock then that's fine - I have my own land so can accommodate that. If she does herself more damage then I can live with the consequences.

Today the weather is lovely and a hack after work would be just what I need. I have some money coming in from an insurance claim so that is going into the horse fund so I can try and enjoy horses again rather than just have all the hard work and expense!

In your situation I'd buy the horse

 

[milliepops]

Thanks Milliepops, gosh sounds like you’ve been through a lot too. How exciting about your new loan horse. My heart is saying try again but my gut is saying be careful because you could end up with a broken horse again :-(

Honestly considering it's all first world problems I can't even begin to process everything that has happened over the last 6 months between work, horses and personal life, it's been absolutely brutal. Which is why i think a low- or no-strings horse is the right thing for me at the moment. the next one i will have is my homebred who I am ridiculously attached to, I needed to get myself back on an even keel and just let everything settle down and just rekindle the love for it all before getting on that rollercoaster.

I think it's hard to put things into perspective though. I have had many years of fun times with horses. it is just bad luck that I've been in a rut recently. it's not normal. So there's nothing to say that the next one will be plagued with issues.
It's worth casting about locally for some riding/share/loan opportunities to see if that helps you to remember that it can be just FUN maybe then you'll feel ready to buy the next one.

 

[Highmileagecob]

How old are your children? Is it likely that a mother and daughter share could work in the near future? I agree it seems to be a total minefield buying horses at the present time, and economy with the truth appears to be the norm. The number of people posting on this forum with heartbreaking loss of soundness issues soon after purchase has surprised me. Good luck. I hope the right horse finds you!

 

[Birker2020]

I have three walking vet bills in the field (& already had one PTS in Jan). The last one was a pony I took on over lockdown who had just weaned her foal and the plan was just to have fun and enjoy her before finding a decent child rider. Poor pony has had nothing but problems but the three months we had last year before she damaged herself made me realise how much I miss the riding and the just having fun. Now two of them are on rehab and it is completely soul destroying.

I've already decided that once I can't feel heat in her ligament any longer she's getting turned out and if she's happy in the paddock then that's fine - I have my own land so can accommodate that. If she does herself more damage then I can live with the consequences.

Today the weather is lovely and a hack after work would be just what I need. I have some money coming in from an insurance claim so that is going into the horse fund so I can try and enjoy horses again rather than just have all the hard work and expense!

In your situation I'd buy the horse

I'm sorry SEL, its really hard. x

 

[Birker2020]

I think it's hard to put things into perspective though. I have had many years of fun times with horses. it is just bad luck that I've been in a rut recently. it's not normal. So there's nothing to say that the next one will be plagued with issues.
It's worth casting about locally for some riding/share/loan opportunities to see if that helps you to remember that it can be just FUN maybe then you'll feel ready to buy the next one.

I think years ago when horses weren't so diluted with so much rubbish and they were proper 'horses' and we didn't know as much as we know now in terms of diagnostics, life was a lot more fun.

I remember hot summers of galloping around fields and jumping hay bales, going to fun rides, hacking for four hours at a time, shows, XC rounds, FUN, FUN, endless fun.

Now the only fun I have in my life is managing a dip in the jacuzzi at the gym

 

[milliepops]

I'm not sure it's even that - my horse that has just retired had the most stellar year just a few years ago, we did so many fun things together and that was after a previous spate of endless diagnostics and niggles with the one she replaced, so it's not that I was ploughing on ignorant to the things that can happen. Its just luck sometimes. Though I do think that when you've had things like that happen, the good times seem all the sweeter. it's just how you put that sense of impending doom out of your mind

 

[L&M]

A share or a loan/lwtb so you can always 'hand back' if it goes wrong? It sounds to me that you still 'want' a horse but are trying to protect yourself from another horse related trauma, which is totally understandable.

I was at this point a few years ago, having had a run of difficult horses coupled with running a livery yard, so was sick to the death of horses. My son was still interested though, so bought him a 5 yr old 15hh cob x connie, only for a few mnths down the line for him to lose all interest. So I hopped on to prepare him to sell and and 10 yrs later he is still with me, and has become my horse of a lifetime.

However as he has proven so perfect, I have already decided he will be my last horse, as would like to end my time with horses on a good note. I am also looking forward to the day he retires and becomes a field ornament and haven't got the pressure of the riding element, so can enjoy him just as a pet and spoil him rotten.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.

 

[BlackHorseNemo]

I am another who would love to buy a new horse for all the great times that they can bring so I know exactly how you are feeling OP. I trawl the For Sale ads but cannot take the plunge as I am now entirely risk averse!

Like you and so many others, I have the awful memories of a year long rehab with my chap in a sodden winter with very limited facilities. Money draining away on all that rehab entails including a specialist farrier, physio, huge vet bills etc - a horror story.

I am terrified of being ripped off and sold a pup so I am resisting starting the whole sorry saga again. Maybe time is a healer and I will go for it when the bad memory has faded but I don't have the luxury of too many years ahead.

Good luck OP and let us know what you decide. There must be some lovely Safe and Sound horses out there somewhere!

 

[Bernster]

I totally empathise with folks who’ve had long rehab and vet issues. It’s very draining. I had this over a period of 3 years, successive issues, multiple insurance claims (thank god for NFU!) and finally I felt that me and the horse needed a break. She’s now semi retired and very happily living under the care of Auslander, and I got another horse (and then another!).

 

[McGrools]

I think years ago when horses weren't so diluted with so much rubbish and they were proper 'horses' and we didn't know as much as we know now in terms of diagnostics, life was a lot more fun.

I remember hot summers of galloping around fields and jumping hay bales, going to fun rides, hacking for four hours at a time, shows, XC rounds, FUN, FUN, endless fun.

100%. as a kid no one on our yard had ever heard of rehab. All horses/ ponies lived out 24/7 in big herds, got tack slapped on and blasted around woods for 2hrs at a time when it suited the riders. Never any issues. No remedial farriers, phsyios etc.
Either we have bred the soundness out of them or we overcomplicate their care. Or both. I think the invention of the surfaced arena was a step backwards for horse care, we used to just hack everywhere as kids and canter or gallop on every bit of ground soft enough. Ponies were fit and happy. If we went competing it was always on grass at summer shows. Cant remember a single venue on a surface back then xx

 

[Birker2020]

If we went competing it was always on grass at summer shows. Cant remember a single venue on a surface back then xx

Yep. I used to hack an hour to a showground, spend all day there and hack back before I had the luxury of my trailer.
I did the same with the riding club XC, only that was more like a 3 hr round trip hack and two blasts flat out XC rounds!

 

[McGrools]

Yep. I used to hack an hour to a showground, spend all day there and hack back before I had the luxury of my trailer.
I did the same with the riding club XC, only that was more like a 3 hr round trip hack and two blasts flat out XC rounds!

I think horses were much fitter back then. I know horse owners now that barely ever canter. Certainly not outside the arena anyway. Folk have become scared of hacking with the increase in traffic which is a massive detriment to the horse x

 

[Birker2020]

I think horses were much fitter back then. I know horse owners now that barely ever canter. Certainly not outside the arena anyway. Folk have become scared of hacking with the increase in traffic which is a massive detriment to the horse x

Yes so sad. In the era I'm thinking about (1995-1998) my friends and i were at livery in south Birmingham and although in the countryside still surrounded on three sides with suburbia unti we'd ridden a mile or so. We used to ride along all the roads, even down a B and A road, all through parks, waste grounds, pasts pubs and shops, down streets and lanes, ford, cross over bridges, gallop up steps called the donkey steps and i can remember doing a pretend dressage test on a football pitch once.

The amount of traffic and do gooders these days, we wouldn't get very far lol.

 

[McGrools]

Yes so sad. In the era I'm thinking about (1995-1998) my friends and i were at livery in south Birmingham and although in the countryside still surrounded on three sides with suburbia unti we'd ridden a mile or so. We used to ride along all the roads, even down a B and A road, all through parks, waste grounds, pasts pubs and shops, down streets and lanes, ford, cross over bridges, gallop up steps called the donkey steps and i can remember doing a pretend dressage test on a football pitch once.

The amount of traffic and do gooders these days, we wouldn't get very far lol.

Snap, the riding school i used to ride at as a kid used to hack over a motorway bridge to get to the woods! Nobody would dream of doing that now!
Well maybe the traffic will subside again now no one will be able to afford fuel!